For better or worse, but not for lunch

There is a saying (and I think there are even books with the title) I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.  This is something I've heard said in my association with my friends that are reaching retirement age.

Retirement, they say, can be rough on a marriage.

In my experience... they are right.

I remember back, waaaaay back (in December 2011), I saw a facebook status of a young mother claiming she wished her husband didn't have to go to work, EVER!  I took a few rough comments on this blog post, as well as getting blocked on facebook by the woman that posted the facebook status.  Well, let me tell you, it's not as great as you think it will be. 

First of all, believe it or not, your spouse is living their own life.  They are not hanging on a hook waiting to see what you would like them to do.  I only mention this because I think this would have been news to the woman that posted the facebook status. 

In my experience my husband left his job a year and a half before I lost my job.  He no longer calls himself a retired person.  He now calls himself a full-time student.  Anyway, the point is that he was home, by himself, quite a while before I was home, all day, with him.  He had settled into a nice little routine.  When I started being home, all day, with him he didn't adjust to the disruption of his schedule very well.  Sure, the first few weeks were fine.  I'd even go so far as to call them fun.  I applied for unemployment.  He didn't think I would qualify.  I did qualify.  He was surprised.  That gave us something to talk about for a week or two.  We interacted.  He spent a little time with me.

Then..., he wanted to get back to his routine.  And..., he wanted me to get a routine.

And I didn't have one yet.

On Monday my husband told me my vacation was OVER and I needed to start DOING something.  Hilarious.  He said a bunch of other equally hilarious things that weren't very nice, but meant to motivate me.

I think he forgot that, just like him, I'm living my own life.  Unfortunately for him, my life includes spending time blogging, reading blogs, working on the bible study I'm putting together for my small group, and... sometimes watching Real Housewives.  I think it was the housewives that put him over the edge.  I try to watch more CNBC than Housewives, but sometimes I just gotta have me some Housewives.  The other thing, I think, he has an issue with is my development of a sedentary lifestyle.  He wants me to exercise.  So, as I said on Monday, I broke through that barrier and started walking around the neighborhood.  It's a start.

For better or worse, I love my husband.  We will learn to spend our days together in the same house.  I know we can do it.  I don't need to talk to him all day.  I don't need him to help me do the things I need to do each week, like look for a job.  I don't need him to shame me into exercising.  My friends that have retired have told me that it's important to watch out for weight gain.  Being home all day can allow someone to be a little too close to the refrigerator.  Dangerous.

So, for better or worse, I will learn to be home all day with my husband.  I will look for two jobs each week, and I will go for walks around the neighborhood 4 (or 3) times each week.  I can do this thing.

For better or worse

547.  Working in the garden
548.  Going to lunch with a friend
549.  Hot tea when I feel the sniffles coming on
550.  Having a husband who loves me enough to accept me for who I am
551.  Looking forward to trick or treaters

Stages of retirement (and accepting it)

I'm struggling with this new phase of my life.  After all, I'm really not old enough to be retired.  I checked.  I called my pension fund manager and they told me I cannot collect anything from my pension until I'm 62.  I'm not 62 yet.  I've got a few more years to exist before I become 62 years of age.

So what am I if I'm not retired.  Am I just unemployed?  Am I between jobs?  I feel like I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I'm still trying to figure out what I want my day to look like.  Even though I continue searching for work, I can tell you, I'm not all that excited about going back to work.  After all, yesterday was a $5000 day in the market. (go AAPL!!)

Even my husband won't call himself "retired" anymore.  He calls himself a "full-time" student.  He's still writing his dissertation.  (I cannot believe how long this is taking)  There is just something about being labeled as a retiree that doesn't sit right with me.

I've heard there are stages of retirement.  I think the first stage consists of dreaming about retirement.  I know what that is like.  You hear a tease on the news about The Best Place to Retire segment and you stay tuned to hear where that place may be.  Some people have countdown calendars to their retirement date.  They watch the days tick away until the big day comes.  They may even know where they would like to live when they retire and maybe have made the purchase.  (I think they are awesome)  I guess my husband and I got this "dream time" cut short.  After all, my husband quit his job when the stress and management style became detrimental to his health and I got fired at an age where finding a new job isn't an easy task.

When one finally retires.  When that great date arrives.  Or, when you are pushed out of the workplace.  One enters the go-go stage.  This is the stage I find myself experiencing.  I'm young.  I'm healthy.  I still want to do stuff.  I love to travel.  I still want to earn money, but I don't want to be a slave to "the Man."  I want to work for myself, but I don't know exactly how to do that.  Since I want to travel and "do stuff" I need to earn money.  After all, when you are too young to draw off your pension, the money has to come from somewhere.  And if you are anything like me, it just doesn't feel right to spend all your savings.

The next phase is the slow-go stage.  I guess this will come after I'm old enough to begin drawing my pension.  I guess this means that since I'll be older I won't want to "do" as much stuff.  Ok, I get it.  I'm guessing this will work out pretty well since less money may equal less travel.  We will see.

Finally people move into the no-go stage.  At this time I will be at an age when my health may be failing.  Or, if I'm like my mother, my mind will go.  I'm guessing I'll be spending more money on my health than I will spend on travel or "doing stuff."  Hopefully I'll have considered this stage of my life when I choose where I want to live at this stage of my retirement.  Hopefully I'll have planned for access to health care and access to shopping and access to family.

I feel a bit gypped in the "dreaming of retirement" stage of my life.  However, even though I didn't spend a lot of time dreaming about my retirement, I do have an idea about where I'd like to live.  I have saved money and I'm still managing it and I do know of places I would like to visit before travel becomes too difficult for me.

Who knows what plans God has for me at this new stage of my life?  All I know is that I need to be watchful and aware of His presence in my life.

521.  Taking steps to rectify a situation that was wrong
522.  Accepting encouragement from my husband
523.  Making myself available to be there for a friend
524.  Watching the leaves change color and taking the time to enjoy it
525.  Culling clutter from the house
526.  Finding purpose for the day

No laughing aloud allowed

I have never felt like a stranger in my own home.  Even now, that I'm home all day and not spending 10 hours away from the house five days a week, I belong in this house.  It is my home.

I'll tell you a funny story.  My husband has been super supportive of me quitting my job and being home, with him, all day.  SUPER supportive.  You may remember that he quit his job back in February of 2012.  He doesn't have to go to work, EVER!  In the past year and a half he has gotten pretty used to having the house all to himself.  He liked it.  I think, while he was here all on his own and I was at work all day, he thought the house was his.  He had a routine.  He told me I'd develop a routine, now that I'm home all day, (but it better darn well fit into his routine).  He didn't really say that last bit out loud, but his actions and words to me around the house this past week have, sort of, indicated to me that this is how it's gonna work.

I don't really know my husband's routine and I haven't developed a routine yet, so we're just stumbling around trying not to piss each other off.  So far, so (pretty) good.  From what I can tell, the three tvs in the house are his.  There is a tv on each floor of the house.  While the market is open, the channels are all turned to CNBC.  After all, everything you need to know about what is happening in the world can be discovered on CNBC.  AND, now that neither one of us has a job providing outside income, we need to make our own money.  CNBC has all the information.  All tvs, while my husband is in the room, will be programmed to CNBC.

I do admit to enjoying watching CNBC, sometimes.  And, sometimes, I admit to enjoying Real Housewives of whatever city they happen to be filming this time.  And, just about ALL THE TIME, I enjoy watch those crazy housewives sit on two couches with Andy Cohen inbetween them and listen to them fight and watch them cry.  It is confrontation at its best.

Since I am now home all day, I was given some spoken expectations and I've been catching on to some of the unspoken expectations.  One of the spoken expectations, (and this is the funny part of this story, gee, it took me forever to get here and I've gone off on a horrible CNBC vs. RHOC trail to get here) is that I'm not allowed to laugh too loud.  Really, he said these words to me.  He told me he doesn't want me laughing too loud about anything.  Nope, no laughing.  If I find something funny during the day, I better keep it to myself.  He told me he doesn't want to have to tear himself away from working on his paper or paying bills or making a stock trade or whatever he happens to be doing at the time of my outburst of laughter to come to where ever in the house I happen to be to learn what it is I'm laughing about.  OoooooKay... whatever you say.

Seriously, even he can't believe he said this, out loud, to me.

I'm telling just about everyone I meet that this is what he told me.  I love it.  He believes this statement should be recorded in the husband annals of Things Husbands Should Never Say to Their Wives.  I'm sure it would be right up there with, "those pants make your butt look fat." 

I"m going to get used to the spoken expectations of life here in my own home.  I'm sure I'll even learn to tread the minefield of unspoken expectations.  I'll find my routine.  I'll even learn to fit into the thing my husband calls his routine.

I'll watch CNBC and look for the next BIG thing.  (why, oh why didn't I buy Tesla?  but, really, who'da thought those electric cars would end up being sexier than a Jaguar?)  After all, neither one of us is old enough to start drawing money out of our retirement accounts and we've both gotten quite attached to eating every day.  :)

476.  Having someone to run boring errand with, if I ask very nicely
477.  Green juice while watching Squawk on the Street
478.  The love of an old dog
479.  My son telling me he misses living with me (shocker)
480.  Saving LOTS of money on gas
481.  No phones ringing
482.  Discovering what I really like to do
483.  Did I say, getting up without an alarm... I love this part of it

Don't let the door...

I'm ready to tell the story of how I discovered I no longer had a job.

I am much more into to the idea of not having a job to go to each and every morning than I was last week. In fact, Monday mornings when you do not have to go into work are WONDERFUL. REALLY GOOD.

I thought I would find humor in the unceremonious way my resignation was accepted and the last day of my employment after being with the organization for 11 years. I haven't totally grasped the humor of it, but there have been some moments that made me chuckle.

Let's begin the story last Monday, August 19th. I was a bit late for work that morning, as I knew my boss was taking leave that day to assist his school-teacher wife in her move back into her classroom. I was doing my job and culling through his emails. I saw one email with the subject line of my name. My old boss was asking my new boss to meet with him to discuss me. A short time later my old boss's secretary called to set up a meeting. I told her it would have to happen the next day, so we set it up for Tuesday, August 20 at 9:00 a.m. Awesome. It appeared that a decision was going to finally be made. Part of the back story is from this blog, Why I'm still working.  This portion, in particular, sums up where I stood, employment wise, at this moment.

On Wednesday, July 31st  I carried my letter of resignation UPSTAIRS to my old boss.  I now work down in the basement and my new boss had not been hired yet.  Anyway, the date I put on the letter as my last day was August 8, 2013.  I was DONE!  When my old boss took the letter he was not happy.  He asked if this had anything to do with the fact that I had asked for a raise in January, written up a new PD and duty list in March, and he had said he would move forward on this and then had done nothing at all.  (oh, did I tell you he got a $100k raise in his new position? awesome.)  I said yes.  Yes it did.
He asked me if I would wait a couple days and he would go to HR and see what he could do about my raise.  Fine, I said.  So I waited...  A week later I'm told that HR told them they could not reassign my position in a way that would allow me to get a raise.  BUT..., would I continue working for 3 or 4 more weeks until the NEW HR director they just hired is on board and in place.  Looking at my job description and seeing about my raise would be the first thing this person will do.  My NEW boss said he would make this his TOP priority.

At 9:00 a.m. on Tuesday, August 20th my boss went upstairs to the meeting about me.  He returned at 9:35 a.m.  He didn't look at me.  He didn't speak to me.  He hurried into his office and got on the phone.  He managed to spend the 25 minutes he was stuck in the office with me talking on the phone and then left, at 10, for a 2-hour walk around the campus.  He used the entire two hours.  He returned and told me he was going to lunch.

Really?  He wasn't going to say ANYTHING to me about the meeting about ME?

As he was walking out the door, I called him back.  I asked him what was the result of the meeting that morning?  What had they decided to do about ME?  He got a funny look on his face and told me that he and I had a meeting scheduled in HR at 3:00 p.m., and it wasn't going to be a good meeting.

Really?  Not a good meeting?  What was going to happen?  Were they going to FIRE me?  I mean, that wouldn't be bad.  I was ready to go.  If they fired me I would be able to collect unemployment for 99 weeks.  I'd be good with that.  So I asked, what's going to happen at 3 o'clock?

He told me since I had submitted a letter of resignation, they were accepting my resignation at 3 o'clock.  They wanted me off campus immediately.

Really?  It was noon and they wanted me to keep working until 3 and then they wanted me to leave.  Huh?  I began to clean out my inbox and download all my personal files to my flashdrive and began to clean out my desk.  Then my phone rings... it's my boss... he's decided to tell me I can clean out my desk and leave now.  There's no need to wait until 3.

No kidding there's no need to wait until 3.  I'm outta here.  I told my boss that this was not a bad thing, for me.  I had put in my letter of resignation weeks ago.  I wanted to leave.  I was only here because I was doing a favor for him.  He had ASKED me to stay a few more weeks.  He was working on getting me a raise.  (evidently, he didn't work very hard at it.)

I packed up my stuff in a box and I carried it out to my car.  On the way to my car, I passed my old boss (the new CFO of the college) on the path.  I said "good-bye" to him.  He said "good-bye" to me.  It was 1:00 p.m.  It wasn't the end of the day.  I was carrying a box.  He knew what was happening.  Neither he, nor my current boss thanked me for 11 years of service.  Nothing.  I don't expect my phone to ring and be invited out for lunch either.  This was an incredible display of classlessness on the part of the upper administration of the college.  I shouldn't have expected anything more.

The thing that has made me chuckle in this whole evolution occurred last Friday.  On Friday evening my husband carried the mail into the house.  Included in the mail was a manilla envelope with a DVD of the movie Office Space in it.  No note.  Just the DVD.  (I had loaned the DVD to my old boss when he moved my office into the basement.  He, of course, didn't understand why I would make a reference to this movie.  I asked him if he had ever seen the movie.  He, of course, confused it with the tv show The Office.  I told him that Office Space is a classic comedy about business management and the corporate working world.  I have no doubt that he did not watch the movie.  But at least he had enough class to ask his secretary to mail it back to me and not steal it from me.  He's AWESOME!  not).

I am able to laugh about this.  Now, does anyone want to take any bets on whether or not I get a good-bye lunch?  Hahahaha

 

467.  Levis 505s for $10 for my son (I have to hem them)
468.  Time to hem the jeans
469.  Neighborhood picnic (fun to catch up with neighbors I don't see very often)
470.  A new goal (earn enough $$ by selling stuff to buy a new laptop)
471.  Friends that are truly happy for my new state of unemployment
472.  Advice to take it slow and not commit to anything for a month or two
473.  Feeling absolutely great about this decision
474.  Happy that I have enough to do to occupy my time and not have to "twiddle my thumbs" while my husband works
475.  My son's resume is being forwarded for a part-time IT position  (please pray God's will be done on this.  my will is that he gets the job.)

Day 2 of life as I now know it

Don't be afraid.  I won't be chronicling my life day-by-day from this time forward.  I am quite sure I will settle into a boring existence that will be of little interest to anyone but myself.  But for now, I need to take a moment to examine my feelings (haha, I don't believe that will take very long), my plans and hopes for this new way of living day-to-day.

Yesterday was a day of decompression.  I spent the day recovering from being unceremoniously dismissed and treated as dangerous person (story still to come).  Tequila was involved.  My husband assured me that, even though my dismissal was done with a heavy hand, these people did me a favor.  I was done with them and the thought of being lured back with money was repulsive, even to me.  So, that was yesterday.

Today I awoke, without the assistance of an alarm clock, at 8:30 a.m.  LOVE IT!  I hadn't slept well the past two nights, so I was very tired.  At about 10:30 last night a GIANT thunderstorm blew through.  There was lightening and thunder and rain... you know, a thunderstorm.  This did not help me fall asleep.  However, the little oblong ambien pill did just fine.  Twenty minutes later I was dead to the world.  Sadly, I snored during the early portion of my slumber thus keeping the husband awake.  (I'm sorry)  So, this was his excuse for sleeping until 10:00 a.m.  Since I don't really know what he typically does all day (being I was typically at work and I just have to take his word for it) I'll take responsibility for the late awakening and subsequent late start to his day.  (yeah, sure... fool me once)

I was pretty happy with myself.  I got up and took a shower and brushed my teeth (it doesn't seem necessary to spell all of this out, but yesterday wasn't a great day for me and today is starting off much better).  I got dressed and started reading blogs and updated my fb status.  Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good.  I typically play with my laptop while I sit on my bed.  Since my husband was still sleeping and he has taken over the bedroom we have set up as an "office" room, I decided to move my laptop to the kitchen table.  After all, if I'm going to blog, sell on Craig's list and eBay and fb, I'm going to need a place to work.

I completely get that this house has been his domain for the last year and a half.  I am the intruder.  So far, he's allowed me to move about the house fairly freely.  I have been warned that I am not allowed to laugh too loudly.  He does not want to be alerted that I think something is funny that he doesn't know about and then has to run down from his office area to see what is so funny.  I will do my best to comply with this request.  (he cracks me up.  no worries, I covered my mouth so my chuckle sound waves would not escape)

This morning, after carrying my laptop down to the kitchen table and setting up my little work space, I went to the coffee machine and pressed the button to initiate the warm-up process.  I returned to my laptop to await the warming of the coffee machine.  No worries.  I know how to make coffee.  While I was typing away on this blog post my husband came down from the bedroom. He was dressed and ready to begin his day.  He let the dog out.  Evidently his morning routine is to come down from the bedroom, let the dog out, warm up the coffee machine, put food in the dog's bowl, let the dog back in, make coffee.  I didn't know anything about this routine.

Everything was going well with his morning routine until he pressed the button to warm the coffee machine.  This button is the same button that needs to be pressed... again... to begin the coffee making process.  The machine sprung to life.  My husband jumped back and said something I won't type here.  Fortunately, no coffee had been inserted, so there was no waste or water spraying on him.  He disagrees, but I claim that he raised his voice to me and recommended that I not screw with his routine.  We are going to be together 24 hours a day and we aren't on vacation.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to screw with his routine.

After a bit of discussion we decided the routine was going to have to be screwed with.  Yes, there will definitely have to be some screwing inserted into the routine.  Literally.  (after all, it's good for his health. :))

451.  A good night's sleep
452.  Acceptance of my situation
453.  A delicious latte in the morning
454.  The kernel of a plan for my new way of life forming in my mind
455.  Time spent in prayer before I started my day (I would like to make this a daily habit)
456.  Grateful that I sleep in a house and not outside during stormy weather
457.  The ability to disagree without be disagreeable
458.  My husband's wisdom of all things employment related
459.  Old co-worker checking up on me
460.  Sister-in-law reading my blog and assuring me that it wasn't just me that gets treated poorly

I've got nothing to do today but smile

I am now retired.

I feel good and bad at the same time about this turn of events.  No one is more surprised by these conflicted feelings than I am.  I'm learning so much about myself.

I remember that in June 2012 I told myself I would work for one more year.  I loved the way I told myself that story.  It made me happy.  It gave me something to look forward to.  Every time I completed a task on the annual calendar I would tell myself, "Hooray, that's the last time I'll ever have to do that."  It felt like I was checking a box.  And being the strong ISTJ that I am, checking a box feels like success.  I continued through the fiscal year completing task after task, just waiting for June 30, 2013 to arrive.
 
June 30, 2013 arrived and I didn't quit.  Nobody was more surprised about this than I was, but there were extenuating circumstances.  I wrote about some of them here and here and here.  So there is no need to rehash this whole mess.  Oh, btw, the college I USED to work at is still accepting applications for fall 2013.  (classes begin on September 3rd.  hurry up all you slackers, there is still a place for you this overpriced public institution.)

I am happy.  I mean, I've finally stopped hitting myself with a hammer.  I'm out of a situation that was pretty toxic for me.  I really was never able to buy into the mission statement and mindset of the institution.  I tried to appease this in myself by just doing my job and not getting involved in the culture of the institution.  I wasn't able to keep my feelings completely to myself and ended up not winning any popularity contests.  There just weren't enough conservative capitalists on campus for me to hang around with.  (there were a couple, and we were friends.  hi girlfriend!)  I worked for a guy that believed that making money and talking about how you do that, was vulgar.  Making money in the stock market, on eBay, and renting real estate were my favorite hobbies.  (btw, it was ok to chat about killing birds, his hobby.  not gross at all.)

I am happy.  Now I can do all the things at home I wished I was doing while I was at work.  My lifestyle isn't going to change because I don't have this job anymore.  (well, sadly, I am going to let my house cleaner go today.  it would just not work for someone to come and clean my house while I'm at home.) 

So, you may ask, why am I not so happy I cannot stand myself?  I guess the first reason is because of my ISTJ personality type.  Yep, I'm my own worst enemy.  I'm a duty fulfiller.  It would have been easier for me to have a couple weeks to tie up all the loose ends of things I was working on.  Instead and because I had already submitted a letter of resignation with a date of August 8th as my last day, they accepted my resignation yesterday and gave me 2 weeks pay in lieu of 2 more weeks of notice.  I need to accept that those things I was working on that I hadn't finished yet, aren't my job anymore.  They don't want me to finish them.  I need to give up the ownership I feel for the work I did.  I don't work there anymore.

My husband tells me he went through this same process when he retired from his job.  He's an ESTJ.  I know it will pass.  Today is just the first day.  The way that my resignation was accepted was done in a strange way.  (I really need to write about that, but I think I need a day or two of distance because it was done in a pretty hurtful way.  a couple days may help me see the humor in it.)

So I'm turning a page.  I'm walking through a new door.  I'm entering a new phase of my life.  I've gone from being a child, to becoming a college student, then a working single adult, to a Navy wife, which turned into a stay at home mother, to a working mother, and then a working empty nester, to what I have now become... retired.  Thank you to all that have held me in prayer during this transition.  I'm ready to do this retired thing the best way I can.  I am accepting any and all suggestions, cyber hugs, real hugs, and hope, strength and experience out there.

To quote Paul Simon, “I've got nothing to do today but smile.”

I'm linking with Emily today at Imperfect Prose because I'm happy, but scared. 

441.  Waking up without an alarm clock
442.  Drinking coffee in my pajamas on a Wednesday and I'm not on vacation
443.  Writing my blog at home
444.  Thinking about my future
445.  Hearing people tell me they will miss me (for a little while)
446.  Thinking about what I want to call this stage of my life (I'm not sure I want to call it retirement just yet)
447.  Allowing myself to feel these feelings (it's not something I typically do)
448.  Being encouraged by my husband
449.  Not having to plan a going away lunch for Sleeping Beauty (his last day is a week from Friday)
450.  Trusting that I am in the center of God's plan for me

Dreaming of my dream home

I'm sitting here gazing out at the ocean, watching the waves roll into the shore.  I think I could enjoy this view for the rest of my life.  The blue/green colors in the water sooth my soul.  The sound of the waves breaking on the shore lull me into a peaceful state of mind.  The white foam against the beige sand and the spray rising from a cresting wave reinforce the feeling of strength in mother nature.   I am drawn to the vastness of the sea intrigued to see what lies on the far side of the horizon.

I started writing this post while I was on vacation in Daytona Beach.  Unfortunately my internet connection was too poor to finish the post and get it on the blog at that time.  So now I'm sitting at my desk in my office.  The "window shaker" air conditioning unit is buzzing so loud I can barely hear myself think.  And all I can think about is the view from my hotel room at the beautiful Atlantic Ocean.

I can practically hear the ocean and smell the breeze.  This view restores my soul.

I've never felt this way before.  I lived most of my childhood in the same house in a southwest suburb of Chicago (yay BlackHawks!).  When I moved out of my parent's home I moved about 15 miles away to live just inside the city limits to work in the hospital I was born in.  Then I married my husband and moved into his house.  During my marriage we moved from place to place always finding a house we could easily resell.  If we were very lucky, we lived in Navy housing.  Every place we lived was a nice place, but I would never have called any of them my dream house.

I live in a lovely house.  You've seen a bit of the outside of my house if you read any of my Irene posts.  In fact, I have a much nicer deck on the house now.  Thanks to Irene.  Even though I have a lovely house, in a lovely neighborhood, I've never like living here in the mid-Atlantic region in the area I live.  It's fairly rural.  They say it's becoming a bedroom community of Washington DC.  However, I don't thing living 80+ miles from the city is very suburban.  AND, I live on a peninsula between the Patuxent River and the Potomac Rive.  Let's just say that water is very isolating.  You don't "accidentally" end up driving through my area.  If you are here, this is where you were going to or else you are SUPER lost.  Long story short... I don't live in my dream house.

Is Daytona Beach my dream location?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I like visiting there.  I like that it is somewhat urban.  It's not as urban as I would like, but there is a downtown area.  I found a building I would like to live in.  It's on the beach.  So, it's not in the downtown area of the city.  Oh, I think I should back up a minute here.  I've decided I don't want to live in a house anymore.  I'm ready for apartment living.  I know there are crazy high condo fees and I won't have my complete privacy.  I know there is a good chance I may see someone in the elevator and I'd have to say hello, but I think I can do that now.  Now you know, my dream house is an apartment, not a house.  Anyway, I found a building that is across the street of a grocery store, bank, and drug store.  Everything I would need on a day to day basis is withing walking distance.  I love that.  AND, it's on the beach.  I love that.

This is my new reality.  I sit at work and I daydream about my dream house.  I go on Trulia and look at pictures of apartments in the building I like.  I daydream of sitting on the balcony and gazing over the ocean.

I wonder if any of this will make the time I need to spend at work go by any faster?  I wonder if I'm just torturing myself?  It doesn't matter, because this is where I am in my life right now.  It sort of feels like waiting and hoping and dreaming.  I've never felt like this before.  Typically I'm the type of person that is satisfied just where I am, doing just what I need to do, but now I've found myself becoming a dreamer.  I can't decide if I like it or not.

313.  Lunch date with my son
314.  The bus family is rolling away from my area
315.  Daydreaming about my future
316.  Watermelon
317.  The quiet of a building empty of people who are burning "use or lose" leave
318.  Co-worker that is becoming more of a friend every day
319.  Window shopping for apartments on the internet

What has happened to personal responsibility?

"We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions."  Ronald Reagan

Personal responsibility.  There's a concept from the past.

The tragedies of this month have again brought out the question, who is to blame?

Who is to blame for the bad things happening in this country?  Is it the parent's fault?  Is it the school's fault?  Is it the fault of the NRA and the legality of assault rifles?  Is it the fault of the makers of violent video games?  Is it the fault of the doctors and professionals in the field of mental illness?  Is it the fault of vaccines and the possibility of their relationship to autism?  Is it the fault of neighbors and friends not seeing the signs of trouble?  Is it the fault of the high divorce rate and the crumbling of marriage in the US?  Is it God's fault?  Is it the church's fault?

Taking personal responsibility has, for the most part, disappeared.

We want to blame the NRA for lobbying to keep guns available for legal purchase. 

We want to blame McDonalds for the rise in obesity in the US.  I don't know about you, but in order for me to eat McDonalds fries I have to go there and get them and then put them in my mouth and eat them.  Nobody has a gun to my head.

We want the government to take care of our birth control for us, so we don't have to worry about our sexual promiscuity.

We want government to take responsibility for the raising, education and feeding of our children.  

We want our health care paid by the government while we continue to overeat, under-exercise, smoke, drink and use recreational drugs.

We want to retire comfortably without saving money during our working years and preparing for the future.

We want to give the responsibility for all these things, and more, to an institution that has proven itself to be very bad at managing anything and especially bad at managing money.  Why oh why to we continue to look to the government to take care of us.  They have showed us who they are.  We need to stop begging for them to do a better job.  It can't be done.

Personal responsibility.  If you need to depend on someone to help you with a problem area in your life, look for a mentor.  You can find mentors in your life through older family members or friends, neighbors, spiritual leaders, community leaders, the networks of your friends and colleagues.  People like to be asked for help, but they don't want to do it for you.  Don't depend on these mentors to do your work for you.  Take personal responsibility for yourself.

We need to grow up in this country.  Life is hard, but we aren't in it alone.  God knew life would be hard, so he sent his son to reconcile us to him.  He gave us prayer, an opportunity to speak with him.  He gave us church, an opportunity to join with fellow believers for support and fellowship in this tough, tough life on Earth.  I pray for churches to be filled during this holiday season and for people to return to the roots of faith this country was built upon.  We don't need to look any further than the bathroom mirror to discover where change needs to begin.  Let's decide we want to do better for ourselves, not have more done for us. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

  
768.  Last day of work before my Christmas break
769.  Red velvet donuts from Dunkin Donuts
770.  New carpet day in the rental house renovation
771.  Enjoying the final couple weeks of my son living with me
772.  Reading books for pleasure
773.  Reading blogs for pleasure
774.  Watching movies in the morning
775.  Going to a 9:00 p.m. showing of Lincoln and knowing I don't have to get up for work in the morning
776.  Listening of off-key Christmas carol covers  :)
777.  Thinking about the peace of Christmastime and getting all my work done so I can enjoy it
778.  Organic lettuce and baby greens salads
779.  Vodka made from potatoes
780.  Advent services at church
781.  Thinking about hanging ornaments on the tree, but ok with knowing it may not happen
782.  Three hours of administrative leave on the last day of work in 2012

I wonder how long I'll continue to work

It's only Tuesday and I feel as if I've worked an entire week.  It's like this in the days and weeks before a trustee meeting.  My boss is the king of procrastination.  He's so funny, and by so funny, I mean he's not funny in any way, when he finishes a report and emails it to me and then asks me if "I'm done."  Seriously, all I have to do after he gives me reports is proofread them, convert them to pdfs, put headers and page numbers on them, and compile them into one document.  I guess he thinks that takes a nanosecond.  Regardless, I'm a secretary and that's what I do.  I format.  I type.  I file.  I answer the phone. 

I went to Human Resources today to look at my health benefit package.  One time a year we are allowed to revise our package and if you miss it, too bad for you.  I wanted to check into two things.  The first thing I wanted to check was the coverage for my son.  I am very fortunate to be able to provide my son's health and dental insurance until he it 26 years old.  After that, he is on his own.  This year will be the final year of health insurance coverage by me, his dear old mom.  I pray he finds a job with benefits soon.  (this is the first hint needed to answer the question how long I'll continue to work)  The second thing I wanted to check was the process for getting my husband on my company's insurance.  He's retired now.  With this retirement came a cancellation of his company's insurance coverage.  I got my answers and now I know exactly what I need to do.

We know we don't want Obamacare.

Today I got a sliver of the feeling my husband had all these past years of employment.  All these years my husband has been carrying the weight of providing for his family on his shoulders.  My job always provided the "extras."  It provided some extra income.  It provided some extra benefits, like free tuition, had my son wanted to take advantage of this.  He did not.  Now, I am the provider of benefits.  I feel the responsibility of it.  This just gives me even more respect for my husband.  How was it that I was completely unaware of this feeling while I was a sahm.  I'm sure it had a lot to do with being the primary care giver to our child.  I wonder if my husband ever feels the responsibility I was feeling while I was doing the "mom-thing."  You see, now he is home when my son is home from work and I am not.  Isn't life funny sometimes?

I wonder how long I'll continue to work?  People ask me this a lot.  People ask my husband this question a lot.  I guess the answer is, for sure a year.  I like working toward a goal.  Maybe my goal will be June 25, 2013.  How does that sound?

121.  A job that provides health insurance
122.  Doctors willing to use the health insurance my company provides
123.  Dental insurance
124.  A healthy husband and son
125.  The ability to let insensitive comments roll off my back
126.  A small space heater under my desk for these cooler spring days after they've turned the heat off in my building
127.  Knowing there are leftovers in the refrigerator at home when I know I'll be too tired to cook
128.  Good discussion on ethics and how to work toward changing the world for God
129.  Church-wide bible study
130.  Opportunities to serve others in the name of Christ

Retirement and me

It's been a little more than a month of retirement for my husband.  The first three weeks of his retirement I was sick.  Really sicky sick with quite a few days home from work.  I don't think I was able to get a very good view of what living with a retired guy was going to be like.  I was too focused on myself and my breathing.  I really didn't even notice he was home.  Then we had a week of me going to work every day, although I was still pretty weak and had no voice or energy when I returned home in the evening.  Sadly, I was still quite focused on myself, but I did notice my husband was home.  Further, I noticed my husband was home when I got home from work.  Since he usually returned home about two hours after me, this was a significant difference.  I noticed.  Last week my husband went on vacation without me.  I absolutely noticed this.  I was completely recovered and no one was home when I got home from work.  It was a little lonely, but I was so busy at my job I really enjoyed the down time when I got home in the evening.

This week my husband is home from vacation, I am healthy and he is still retired.  I'm getting a good look at what this retirement thing looks like.  So far, I can tell you, it seems very good.  In the morning I make juice for all of us for breakfast and I leave the dirty juicer on the counter.  When I get home in the evening the juicer is completely clean and ready for me to use again for dinner.  This is a wonderful thing.  I love being cleaned up after.  This has not happened for me since I was nine.  I discovered my husband knows how to use a washing machine.  He told me he used it twice while he was on vacation.  He told me he came home from vacation with all clean clothes.  I am so tempted to test him with this new knowledge at our house.  I'd love it if he did the towels and the sheets.  This would be a big help.  I'm tempted, but I haven't asked, yet.  (I am aware he often reads my blog, so he may see this)  People have asked me about the cooking.  I'm not thinking about this.  Sure, it would be nice to come home to a cooked dinner, but I don't think cooking is something my husband wants to do.  I don't think he should have to do too many things he doesn't want to do.  After all, he's retired.

I do have a few hopes and dreams for his time while he's retired and I'm working.  I'd love to get our bathroom tub area re-tiled and get the faucet and stuff updated.  I'd like to paint the front hall and the living room.  I LOVE to have the garage emptied out and the basement emptied out.  I know I have to do a lot of work around the house, myself.  I want to get rid of all the lladros and baskets and books and crap scattered all around my house.  My dream is to move out of our house with nothing but suitcases in our hands.  I know it's a dream, but a girl's gotta dream, doesn't she.

All this dreaming aside, we have to keep the priorities straight and do first things.  My husband has to finish his dissertation.  This is the priority.  (btw, if you would like to add anything to your prayer list, this would be a great one)  I know he wants to complete his PhD.  This is very important to him.  Secondly, I know he wants to fix up our rental property.  This will be a big job, as well.  Maybe I'll have to keep working to pay some of these bills?  We will see.

I have a coworker in the same situation I as mine.  Her husband retired and she is still working.  They've already bought their retirement home in another state.  He's already moved down there.  She's got their house in this state for sale.  I think the moment it sells, we will see her last day of work.  Wouldn't it be funny if we both quit on the same day?  Yeah, I think it would be hilarious.  :)

103.  My son is getting an A in his college class, so far
104.  Finishing a big work project
105.  Time to relax when I get home from work
106.  The anticipation of a weekend getaway
107.  Lots of great advice from readers for my dry skin
108.  Sacrifices we made when we were young to provide for opportunities now
109.  Coffee (have I said this before?)
110.  Smart phones (iPhone)

Sexy  ;)

Updates and other stuff

I finished the piece I'm entering into the Humorous Writing contest at my school.  The more I rewrote and rewrote, the less funny it became, I think.  I'm still going to enter it.  I had a few friends read it.  A couple said it was hilarious, a couple said it was funny, one said it was witty, and another said it read like a news item.  Oh well.  It's my first attempt at writing for a contest.  I don't expect to win, but wouldn't it be great if I did?

I've been juicing.  I watched a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  It was streaming on Netflix.  This guy, Joe Cross, lost a bunch of weight by going on a juice fast of only fresh fruit and vegetable juices.  I don't think I can handle JUST juice, but I'm substituting the juice for two meals each day.  The juice is really good.  I usually make it with a big handful of kale, a cucumber, a stalk of celery, an orange and two apples.  It makes about two cups of juice and it tastes really good.  I have to admit, I get pretty hungry by lunchtime.  I haven't started bringing the juice to work.  My boss and co-workers give me an incredibly hard time about the "green stuff."  I hate when they do this.

I finally recovered from a very bad bout of bronchitis.  Last week was my first full week back to work and my husband's first full week of retirement without having me at home with him while I was sick.  He likes retirement much more when I'm at work.  I don't know what I think about this.  On the other side of this retirement deal.  I got rid of all my husband's dress shirts and ties.  There will be no more tie wearing in his future.  I think he loves this.

I've got a funny work story for you.  Last week I was working on a photoshop project for my office.  I'm not a graphic designer and I'm self-taught on photoshop, so it isn't the easiest thing in the world for me to do well.  I was having a difficult time with the project and I seemed to be making the same mistake over and over again.  Added to this frustrating process were the conditions I was having to work in.  The temperature outside was in the 70's and the building had the boiler cranking the heat up into the mid-80's inside.  I had to open the window to try to catch a bit of a breeze and, unfortunately someone was smoking outside my office window.  In fact, they were chain smoking.  Then, if this wasn't bad enough, the groundskeepers decided to have a conversation.  They were yelling at each other to be heard over the lawn mowers.  ARRRRRRGGGGG.  I couldn't take it.  I couldn't concentrate.  I finally said, "This is too much.  I'm out of here."  I shut down my computer, grabbed my purse and went to lunch.  It was great to get away.  When I got back to the office I was able to focus and finish the project.  My boss returned from lunch and asked me if things were going better.  I told him that they were.  Then he told me he had heard me say, "I'm outta here."  I laughed and continued to work.  After a couple minutes I thought to myself, I'll bet he thought I wasn't coming back to work.  So I asked him if he thought I wasn't coming back and he said the thought crossed his mind.  Hahahaha.  Yeah, I've got this job just the way I like it.  :)

Lastly, my husband is on vacation in South Lake Tahoe.  He's skiing.  I'm home, working, and he's in Nevada skiing.  I chose not to go on this vacation because it was to be a "guys" trip and I did not want to end up being the maid to three guys.  Unfortunately, the two other guys dropped out and my husband went on his own.  No worries, though, he's a friendly guy and makes friends wherever he goes.  He's having a blast.  In fact, just this morning he called to tell me it was a bit windy and overcast today.  He thought he would hang out in the hot tub and then get a massage, later.  Thanks dear.  I really needed to hear this.  You have a wonderful vacation.  :)

78.  My husband is wearing a helmet while skiing
79.  People praying for my husband's safety
80.  My son is really stepping up and helping out while husband is away
81.  Friend offering to take me out to dinner
82.  Learning that my son doesn't like the taste of celery (I had always assumed he didn't like my cooking)
83.  Crisp spring days

Husband having fun in Tahoe

My husband doesn't have to go to work, EVER!!

I told you my husband quit his job.  And, in December I pondered what it was going to be like when my husband no longer worked outside the home, at this post.

Here I am.  Today is the first day of my husband's status as a retiree.  My husband doesn't have to go to work, EVER!  He is free to do whatever he wants to do, all day long.  If he wants to sleep until noon, he can.  If he wants to take college classes online, he can! If he wants to eat bon bons on the couch and watch tv all day, he can.  If he wants to be on facebook all day, he can.  My husband is retired from working hard for the last 30 years and he can do whatever he wants to do.

When I've told anyone my husband is retiring, the first thing the ask is, "what's he going to do?"  Seriously, this is a stupid question.  Ask yourself, what would you do if you didn't have to go to work anymore.  Can you answer this question?  I'll bet you can't.  I fully expect my husband to live for another 30 years or more.  I don't expect him to know what he's going to do with all that time.  I usually answer this question with, "I don't know, but I do know he's not getting another job."  I guess most people think you are defined by your job.  In my husband's case, this is not a complete picture.  He is MUCH more than a government contractor.  Much more.

It's lunch time on the first day of my husband's retirement and I'm at work.  Btw, I may not be at work all day.  I'm feeling pretty lousy with a crummy cold and I think I may be running a temperature, but that's not important.  I didn't think anyone at my job would believe me if I called in sick on my husband's first day of retirement.  Anyway, ... so far, on my husband's first day of retirement, I can tell you some of the things he has done.  First of all, he got up and dressed at the same time I did.  So, no sleeping in until noon.  Secondly, he has texted me WAY to much.  All the items sitting on my desk have been jostled around by the incessant vibrating of my iPhone.  One the plus side, this has knocked all the dust off anything on my desk that had dust on it.  I thought I would scare him away from texting me by asking him to do a household chore, vacuuming.  This didn't work.  On the plus side, he vacuumed.  LOVE this.  I'm not going to ask him to cook.  (for some reason, EVERYBODY asks if he's going to have dinner ready for me when I get home from work)  My husband has no interest in cooking.  I am completely good with this.  I don't mind cooking and when I do mind, he doesn't mind taking me out or ordering in.  Tonight I'm making soup for dinner.  I'm sick, I need soup.  I'm going to make Italian Wedding Soup.

So far today my husband has made money for our family by trading APPL options and made progress on his dissertation paper.  I call this a full day.  When you can make your old salary in the first few hours of the morning and still make progress on your PhD dissertation, I call this a very good first day of retirement.  I don't know what the rest of the day is going to bring, but I'm open to whatever he comes up with doing.

In fact, I'm open to whatever the future holds for our family.  Maybe we will move to La Jolla, CA.  Maybe we will move to Daytona Beach, FL.  Maybe we will move to Prescott, AZ.  Maybe we will buy an RV and travel around the country like the school bus family.  It's my first day in the new chapter of our life.  I'm excited to see what will happen next.

Gratitudes:
13.  Etrade account
14.  Cold medicine
15.  Tylenole
16.  Chicken soup in cans for lunch
17.  Kleenex
18.  Warm cardigans
19.  Paid sick leave
20.  Hot tea

 

More about Tamoxifen

I just put a request for a refill of my Tamoxifen prescription into the pharmacy.  Doing this reminded me I haven't posted about my Tamoxifen journey in a while.  I guess I haven't posted because not much has changed.  I'm into my second year of the five-year Tamoxifen adventure.  I've become bored with the scenery.  I still have the regular hot flashes.  I'm sort of getting used to them.  I don't like them, but they are expected and they do not disappoint.  I wish hot flashes burned calories, but I don't think they do.  I feel like I've put a bit of weight on, of late.  Bummer.  I need to turn this around immediately or my "big girl" pants won't keep looking so good on me.  :)

So, hot flashes and night sweats continue.  My annual breast exam and mammogram were uneventful, and that's just the way I like them.  Normal.  Normal.  Normal.

I'm sleeping a  lot better.  This is good news.  I think I'm sleeping well because this winter hasn't been too cold.  It doesn't feel like ice is forming on my sheets if the air happens to hit them.  I've learned I have to use a LOT of body lotion, since I'm becoming a raisin, now.  If any younger women happen to be reading this post, this is scary stuff.  I'm gonna tell you.  It is horrific to find the wrinkles on your face.  When I brush my teeth in the morning and see my mom in the mirror, it scares me EVERY time.  I have to admit, I've kinda been expecting the lines on my face.  If I have to sell a few shares of AAPL to get something done about them, I will.  I'm not too proud and I am a bit vain.  The wrinkles that really scare me are the ones I find on my forearms and calves.  WHAT THE HECK?  I didn't expect to see those.  Scary, crepe-paper skinned forearms and calves make me cringe.  I look down at my arms and I see my grandma's arms.  It freaks me out.

This aging thing is not for sissies.

I'm not feeling depressed.  This is good.  I remember this was something my doctor worried about for me.  I went to a therapist for about six months and felt this wasn't something that was a benefit to me.  Sure, I have my moments of being anxious about my husband's retirement and our future.  And, yes, I have my moments of being anxious about my son's future and ability to support himself.  I think these are normal fears.  They do not keep me living my life to the fullest.  I have the occasional nightmare about them, but that's the worst of it.  I no longer take benadryl  to help me sleep.  I was told it was contraindicated for people on Tamoxifen.  I do still have a couple cocktails every night.  I've found if I only have one or two I sleep much better than if I've had three or four.  Another good reason to be moderate in my drinking.  Also, the less I eat in the evening, the better I sleep.  Another good reason not to overeat.  Everything is good in moderation.

I'm sure exercise would be very helpful.  I plan to start going to the gym at work beginning on Ash Wednesday.  No 40 days of yoga for me this year, but I'll get back on the treadmill.  (I just took a peek back to my post a year ago.  I'm still wearing the pants I bought then.  I don't need a new size, but I think an updated pair is in order.)

I'm wondering how I will react to having my husband home when I get home from work?  I'm wondering how I'll react to less money?  I'm wondering how I'll react when I'm getting ready for work and my husband is still in bed?  I'm wondering so many things about this new phase of my life.  I am entering this new phase with my old frenemy, Tamoxifen.

Let the adventure continue.  :)

Cell with estrogen receptors blocked by tamoxifen and helper proteins.

A - estrogen receptor

B - tamoxifen

C - estrogen helper proteins

D - tamoxifen helper proteins

E - cell nucleus

F - DNA (genetic material) inside cell nucleus