My friend had the biggest smile and the strongest hope

Yesterday I went to the funeral of a friend.  In reality, she was much more than a friend.  She was a sister in Christ.  Actually, she was more than a sister in Christ.  She was my Titus 2 woman.  She was a woman I looked to for spiritual guidance.  Especially for spiritual guidance in my role as a wife and a mother.

Evidently I wasn't her only friend.  The church was packed.  The funeral was standing room only.

My husband and I looked at each other.  We didn't even have to say it.  We knew what we were each thinking.  There was no way either of us could fill a church with friends like that.  Linda was a special person.  Even the minister was struggling to keep it together as he read the verses from the bible that give us hope for eternity.  Even though he was full of the knowledge that our friend was in heaven with her king, the pain of losing her, as a friend on this earth, was too great.

You might think, "my, this woman must have been a perfect woman."  You may think she was goodness personified.  She wasn't, you know.  She was a normal, flawed human being.  She had struggles in her life.  I remember when my son was young, I went to her for support and sympathy.  So often we christians have a tendency to act as if we have it all together.  My friend, Linda, let me see her cracks.  She had been divorced and was now remarried.  She struggled with this.  She knew God hates divorce, but she knew God loved her.  So even though she had been through tough times in marriage, she could share with me how special and important the sacrament of marriage was to her.  I was at a difficult time in my marriage.  I had a husband that was working A LOT.  And added to the extra working hours was a 20 hour a week commute.  My son is severely dyslexic.  Schoolwork was such a struggle.  Needless to say, I found myself overwhelmed at times.

My friend was there for me.  She shared the tough times she had been through and how she had squeaked through them by hanging on to hope and praying.  She reminded me that God keeps his promises.  She reminded me that God will restore the days the locusts devour. (Joel 2:25)  (she had a sense of humor.  do you see how she compared children and needy husbands to locusts?)  There were two things my friend always had to give me, her smile and hope.  Her smile was the biggest and brightest anyone could have.  Her hope was firm and never-ending.  Her hope was in Jesus.

Our friendship was broken for a few years.  This is the weird thing about "church friends."  It seems that sometimes we can only be friends with people in certain arenas.  Linda was my church friend.  When I stopped going to the church she was going to, we lost touch.  If I saw her somewhere else in the community, we were always glad to see each other, but it wasn't the same.  She was busy and involved with her church and I wasn't a part of her church.  That's just how things go sometimes.  But, when I came back to her church, she was the gladdest to see me of all the people at that church.  She made me feel as if I had come home.

She was sick when we reconnected.  She was very sick and I think she knew she wasn't going to get better.  Cancer is such an ugly disease.  I hate cancer.  The treatment for cancer is almost worse than most other diseases you can get.  It's a violent treatment.  My friend never lost her smile or her hope.  She may have lost her appetite for food (I had to put something in this post about food or I just wouldn't feel right linking to Emily's blog), but she never lost that beautiful smile on her face.

She was taken home to our lord too soon.  She was only 69.  I know many of you reading this may think 69 is a good time to die.  It's not.  It's too soon.  This life on earth is a good one.  I know heaven is perfect, but this life with our loved ones is a good life.  I checked her facebook page.  My friend had 69 facebook friends.  That just shows what the caliber of a facebook friend is.  Linda had THOUSANDS of friends.  She had tens of THOUSANDS of friends.  So all you people with a thousand plus fb friends... well, let's just see how many of them crowd together to say farewell to you at the end of your life.

Thanks for letting me take a moment to share this tiny tribute to my friend.  I miss her.  I don't know why I thought she would just get better and we'd be together, like it was when I was younger.  I guess I knew she was very sick, but her hope in God's love made me have hope that God would give her more time with us.

I'm linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.

196.  Hope in the promises of God
197.  Friends (even church friends)
198.  Restored health (yay!)
199.  Eating food without fear (because that nasty virus is DEAD)
200.  Being reminded that smiling is a good thing to do
201.  Having my purse returned to me when I was forgetful enough to leave it behind (I was at a church, but still...)
202.  Signs of Spring EVERYWHERE

Chinese Dim Sum, yum yum

I've been gone for a few days.  I thought I'd share a little bit of what I've been doing.  One thing I did while I was away was to try something I've always wanted to try.  (I almost said, "checked an item off my bucket list," but I don't really like that expression)  I went to a dim sum restaurant while I was in Philadelphia.  It was called the Dim Sum Garden and it was delicious.

First things, first.  The most important item in a dim sum restaurant are the soup dumplings.

Soup dumplings, aka Shanghai steamed pork juicy buns

There were eight of these dumplings, to start, but we were so excited to get them we dove right into them before I could snap the pic.  You eat these dumplings by peeling them off the parchment paper into your spoon and then lifting the spoon to your mouth.  Take a tiny bite of the thin won ton and slurp the broth out of the dumpling.  Watch out!  They are very hot.  Then, drizzle a little ginger sauce on it and proceed to finish the dumpling.  There is a little pork meatball inside.  Delicious.

We went to the Dim Sum Garden for the juicy buns, but my favorite thing was the Cold Cucumbers.

Cold cucumbers

These cucumbers were so good.  They were marinating in cilantro and vinegar.  I guess I'm in love with anything with cilantro in it.  So good.  I've got to learn how to make these.

We each had a bowl of soup and shared an order of scallion pancakes.  I had the Chilli Cabbage Shredded Pork soup and my friend, Carol, had the Seaweed and Egg soup.  We finished off the meal by sharing a plate of Pork with Sauce Noodles.

Chili cabbage shredded pork soup

Scallion pancake

I didn't get a pic of the pork with sauce noodles.  Sorry.  This meal was delicious and we were both stuffed.

The decor of the Dim Sum Garden is nothing to write home about, but the food it delicious.  Our waitress was so helpful. She made wonderful suggestions to us for choosing our food, as neither of us had been to a dim sum restaurant before.  She also explained that the Dim Sum Garden was a Chinese dim sum restaurant.  This type of dim sum is much different than a Cantonese dim sum restaurant.  In a Cantonese restaurant the popular way to dine is to arrive at 11 o'clock a.m. and have a brunch-like meal.  The waiters roll carts around the restaurant and the diners take plates of dim sum off the carts until they can eat no more.  They usually stay until around 3 o'clock p.m.  They make an event of the whole meal.

Btw, this was very economical meal, as well.  That may explain why the place was fill with college students.

 

 

110.  A couple days with an old friend
111.  Spending time in an urban environment, it feeds my soul
112.  Husband safely home from a skiing trip in Maine
113.  The first snowfall of the year
114.  Sunday morning in bed, with coffee

I was created to be in community

And you were, too.

Hebrews 10:24-25 says, "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

And Proverbs 27:17 says, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

I think most people think these verses mean we should go to church, because that's where all the christians are on Sunday morning.  I think these verses mean much more than "go to church."

Yesterday I wrote a bit about feeling a little lonely because my husband and I have been spending so much time apart.  This feeling came on me during my winter break from work.  I had been off work for a week and a half.  I learned that I need to be around people a bit more often than two or three times a month.  I need to be in community.  Now I'm back at work and the phone is ringing and the co-workers are asking for stuff and my boss is talking to me.  My conversation tank got filled up in a day and a half.  I'm ready for the quiet again.

I don't know how things are world-wide, but I know here in America we have a tendency to isolate.  We are a nation born in a system of rugged individualism.  After WWII we, as a nation, believed in pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps.  This attitude of personal independence can lead to isolation.  We can isolate ourselves into a feeling of loneliness.  Even people with busy lives and even with computers and all the social networking we've got going on, loneliness, by not having a true connection with other people, can result.  Some people fill this loneliness with "STUFF."  People with overspend and over collect and maybe even become hoarders while attempting to feel better about themselves.

God created us to live in community.  Remember back in Genesis when there was Adam and all the animals.  Well, Adam wasn't alone, was he?  No, he had all the animals around him.  Yet, he wasn't in community with another human being.  We were created to be in community.

It is great if one can find themselves plopped down smack in the midst of a loving group of people.  Most of us call that group we find ourselves born into, a family.  Unfortunately, that doesn't happen for everyone.  And, lately, more than half of the families in America find themselves broken and pieced together in some form or another, or maybe not at all.  The government wants schools to take over the roll of community that the broken American family has seemed to have dropped the ball in doing.  But, we all know the government isn't really good at managing money or people.  In fact, government is a proponent of the two-income household.  That way they can tax both mom and dad.  Another circumstance that makes keeping the community of the family from being a viable option is the job market.  Many of us find ourselves having to moving far away from extended family to find work.  This can cause many to become isolated as they move to places with no friends or family waiting for them.

This is why, for many of us, community has to be intentional.  We have to seek it out.  Even if we are introverts and can go for days without having a conversation.  We have to look for friends.  We have to take risks.  This is why churches were such a great way to find these relationships.  But, even church is becoming a tougher place to make this happen.  Churches want to get BIG!  So they have two or three or four or more services on Sunday or Wednesday or Saturday.  They have multiple ministers and ministries.  It's hard to develop a relationship with someone you may or may not see again, because of all the worship options.

I know we can find community in a card playing club or a sports team or a hobby club.  These are great ways to meet people.  And if you are a real risk taker, you may find a way to delve beneath the the surface of the people you meet in these clubs and make a real friendship.  Whether it's in a church or a club or school, we are meant to put ourselves inside a community of other humans.  We need relationships.

We need friends.  I'll even go so far and say we need a best friend.  Things in life are never as scary when you've got a best friend.  Alone, ideas and fears and worries can grow large and looming.  When you are with a friend and you speak these fears aloud, they lose their grandeur.  We can look at them for what they are.  A friend can then ask the question, if this is true, then what?

We need to nurture the friendships and family relationships we have.  They are vital to our well-being.  We were created to be in them.  I encourage you and me to go out and take a risk.  Go to church.  Smile and look inviting (not in a creepy way) and risk getting into a conversation with a person.  Who knows?  You may make a friend.



Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.  Our cue was Create.

70.  Emily's blog and the opportunity to find new blog friends
71.  A free sandwich for lunch
72.  Balmy days in January
73.  Ski club meeting tonight (maybe I can make a friend?  I'll try)
74.  Having a best friend

The power of Facebook

Happy Facebook Friday everyone.  Who's buying into the IPO today?  I know I'm not, but I'll bet a TON of people will.  Facebook will open at $38 per share today.  Hundreds of Facebook employees will become millionaires today.  Hundreds of Facebook employees are gathered in Hacker Square in Menlo Park, CA for the opening of the Facebook IPO.  The opening bell rings and the joy is palpable.  This is creativity and ingenuity and the manifestation of the American spirit in the greatest sense of the words.  The rest of the world watches in awe as they see the young Zuckerberg ring the bell that opens the days trading and he becomes a multi-billionaire.  Are you proud or jealous?

Most of us bloggery types love Facebook (I know some of you don't, but most of us do) and understand the power of Facebook.  Facebook gives us the false sense of popularity most of us crave.  We can have hundreds and hundreds of friends.  We can have hundreds and hundreds of fans on our fan pages.  We can post YouTube videos of ourselves saying odd things about pimples on our nose or complaining that our children are being brats.  We can post pictures from our family vacations that, in the past, we couldn't have paid people to come over and view.  Yet, in the privacy of our bedroom or office we will spend HOURS perusing our 2nd grade boyfriend's family pictures from Disney World.

Facebook users can allow themselves to feel like the sages they wish they were by commenting on fb statuses of people they are often too timid to speak to face-to-face.  Most often the contrary comments are posted on the walls of individuals they will have no chance of seeing in person at any time soon.  There is a feeling of hightened confidence that whatever they post as a comment is wise and needs to be communicated to, not only the person on whose wall they are posting, but all the friends of this person.  I will name this new-found bravado as "facebook muscles."  Seriously, if all Facebook users spent as much time exercising as they do on Facebook the obesity epidemic in this country would be eradicated.

Another power the Facebook affords an individual is the false sense of control they believe they have in their lives.  They may not be able to pay their mortgage.  They may not be able to excel in their jobs.  They may not be able to educate their children.  Their lives may, literally be crumbling around them, but they will have those precious "friends" that "like" everything they post on Facebook.  This sense of false appreciation is internalized and becomes TRUTH to them.  They don't understand that it takes no more thought than it does to burp to click the Like icon.  On the other hand, if one of their "friends" points out the flaws in the ideas pontificated on the Facebook page or makes a suggestion other than "like" let the UNfriending begin.  This is an AMAZING arrogance of power that Facebook provides.  Most women will lie to their hairdresser about a haircut from another salon, rather than tell her they aren't happy with their last haircut.  I think this is a power Facebook allows women to have, moreso than men (men are so much better at severing mutually unbeneficial relationships).  We now have the power to let people know we don't like them without having to utter a word.  We now have the power to break a relationship without having to act like a grownup.  We can UNfriend.  If the "friend" was not an individual we had a real relationship with, the person will, most likely, never even notice.  However, if this "friend" is a real friend or thought they were a real friend, the UNfriending will be taken as the passive aggressive "slap in the face" it was meant to be.

The ultimate sense of power Facebook can give its user is a sense of controlling their lives lies by blocking individuals from their Facebook world.  Blocking, in Facebook, allows an individual to live their lives as if the blocked individual does not exist.  A worse delusion the blocking of an individual on Facebook can provide is the false sense of invisibility this provides.  Most intelligent people know they are not invisible.  Most intelligent people know there is no such thing as invisibility.  However, some people (people who think they only really exist if they are on the internet) believe if you can't see me on Facebook you can't see me at all.  Blocking a person on Facebook is, by far, the most childish of all the Facebook controls.

Welcome, Facebook, to the NASDAQ.  Welcome, social media, to the world of corporations and big business.  You don't build anything.  You don't sell anything.  Your genre didn't even exist 10 years ago.  Today, we cannot imagine living without you.  You've changed the world.  You've changed the way we relate to each other.  What did we ever do without you.  (oh yeah... we talked to each other)  Good luck and I can't wait to see what you do in the market today.  I'm guessing you'll close at $74.50.  :)

252.  New York style bagel shop across the street
253.  A double shot latte
254.  A cloudless sky on my last day of beach vacation
255.  Enough vacation to make me long for home
256.  Did I say sunscreen before?  I'm still thankful
257.  Vacation friends

I call people on their stuff

I call people on their sh*t.  Yep, I don't pussyfoot around.  You know exactly where you stand with me.  When I see stupid, I hand them their sign.  I've been told by some people, I'm not nice.  I don't really know what "nice" is, I guess.  If nice is always agreeing with every un-thought-through idea someone utters.  I'm not nice.

Last night, I was reminded, by a member of my small group bible study, that I tell people what I think.  (our study is on ethics.  it's Chuck Colson's study called Doing the Right Thing)  Let me tell you, this is ground littered with landmines for a person like me.  We were discussing Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Letter from Birmingham Jail and the decision by Dr. King to participate in civil disobedience although he had great respect for the law.  We talked about the difference between Dr. King's response to, what he believed were, unjust laws of segregation and the current Occupy protest regarding the economic situation our county and the EU find themselves.  In order for civil disobedience to work Dr. King adhered to three main principles.  Dr. King was open and transparent about his reasons for disobeying the law of the land, he encouraged the demonstrators to remain non-violent and reminded them they would have to be willing to accept the consequences of their actions.  This non-violence and the horror of the repercussions to the demonstrations were the very things that broke through the walls of segregation in the 1960's.  I think the Occupy protesters do not have the focus we saw in the civil rights movement.  I don't think the occupiers are willing to suffer the consequences of their actions.  I think many of the protesters are unsure of their purpose.  I think the decision to remain non-violent is more difficult than most of the protesters have the capacity to achieve.  This is the condensed version of our discussion last night.
 
I love this kind of discussion.  I love to look at a difficult issue from all sides and figure out what I think about it.  I love listening to what other people think about issues, and why they think the way they do.  It's fascinating to me.  So, what's my problem?   After the discussion I was reminded, by a fellow group member, that nobody need ever wonder where I stand on an issue.  Ouch.  He said this in a laughing manner, but it stung a bit.  It's true, I'm very opinionated.  However, I don't share my opinions with everyone I meet.  We are in a group discussion.  Right?  Isn't this the place to share opinions and argue them?  Isn't this the place to set personalities aside and find out what we believe and why?  This is what I thought it was supposed to be.  Maybe I'm taking an off-hand comment a bit more to heart than I ought. 

I'm dissecting my actions and statements from last night's dialogue.  I know part of what I would like to accomplish in this group is to make friends with the other members.  I want to be nice.  One thing I've noticed about myself is my ability (or disability) to listen to what people say.  I'm much better at hearing and understanding the words being spoken than I am at reading the unspoken body language and tone in what is being said.  Because of this, I notice when people begin to backtrack and contradict themselves when they are trying to make a point.  I know it is not always necessary to bring this to the speaker's attention, yet, if I feel I must, I try to do it with kindness.  Also, I make every effort to present difficult points with self deprecating humor.  Seriously, it is one thing to say you know the right thing to do and another thing, completely, to say you always DO the right thing.

I think I'm making progress in relating to other people and cultivating friendships.  I certainly don't want a replay of the church lady group.  And, I'm smart enough to know, if it happens again, shame on me.

Please enjoy Bill Engvall.  He cracks me up.

An angel colors my hair

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.  Hebrews 13:2

I've been studying angels.  It is an interesting and enlightening subject.  Guardian angels, angelic hosts, warrior angels, strangers as angels, there are a LOT of angels.  I think my hairdresser is an angel.  If she's not an angel, she is the next best thing to an angel.

The day before yesterday (Wednesday) I had to have a root canal procedure.  It was a BIG root canal.  Four roots.  An hour and a half in the chair not counting the time it took to become numb with whatever numbing stuff they use these days.  I also had a hair appointment scheduled two hours after the root canal.  My hope was I would be able to get my hair appointment and get colored and cut before the Novocaine wore off.  Unfortunately, this was not to be.  Instead, my hairdresser said I could come in the next day for cut and highlights.  I was grateful.  So, instead of getting my hair done, I went home and made dinner for my family before the Novocaine wore off.  Good.  I then swallowed the maximum amount of Tylenol allowed and crawled in bed.

When I arrived at my appointment yesterday the shop was dark and empty.  I was sure I had screwed up.  I remembered this day was Thursday.  My hairdresser closes her shop on Thursdays.  As long as I've been going to her, the shop has been closed on Thursdays.  I guess when it's a week with a holiday on Monday and you're talking on the phone while driving your car just after you have finished spending two hours in a dentist chair having him scrape and poke and drill and generally mess around with the inside of your mouth, you can forget what day it is.  And, I did just that.  I forgot this day was Thursday.  I forgot.

The art gallery next door to the salon was open and an artist was sitting at a desk.  She said, in her exotic Portuguese accent, the salon had been closed all day.  I knew, just at that moment, I had misunderstood the time and day of my appointment.  Darn.

Just then, my hairdresser stepped through the door.  She had come into her shop just to do my hair.  And not only did she come in just to do my hair, but she brought me a sweatshirt to wear under the smock because she knew it would be cold in the shop.  The shop had been closed all day with the thermostat scaled back to 58 degrees.  She is an angel.  She opened her shop, just for me and thought of my comfort.  She is definitely an angel.

We chatted while she foiled my hair and we waited and we drank wine and she washed and she cut and she styled my hair.  All during the time it took to cover all my gray and make me feel pretty again, I kept thinking, "she did this all for me."  I can't explain how special it made me feel.  It was such a gift.  During our chat she asked if I ever wrote about her in my blog.  I said I thought I had once, a while ago, but I wasn't sure.  I want to be sure next time she asks if I ever write about her in my blog.  I'll be able to tell her, YES.  I wrote about you and I wrote that I believe you are an angel.  I pray for God to bless you, Bren, and send his angels to gather around you and protect you from every bad thing.

If you ever find yourself in the mid-Atlantic and desire to meet the very best hairdresser and colorist, go to the Salon and meet Bren.  She's an angel.  :)

Making friends

Am I a good friend?  I sit with my coffee cup warming my hands and wonder if I am a good friend to  the people in my life.  My struggle is with being myself to those around me and wanting to be liked.  How are the two held in balance?  I have no advice for myself. 

I remember the golden rule.  Be kind.  Treat others as you would like to be treated.  People like to be around cheerful people.  What if I'm not cheerful this day.  Am I fake if I put on a happy face?  Maybe I should warn my friends, "I'm sad today."  Then watch them back away.

A smile is contagious.  Are tears contagious, too?  What about truth?  Do these pants look good on me?  Or is saying nothing at all the better choice.  "Words fitly spoken are like apples of gold in pitchers of silver."  This is what the plaque over the buffet in the dining room said.  Are the fit words flattery or truth or... what? 
 
Am I a good friend?  I've lost some friends this past year.  I haven't been able to be who they wished me to be.  I didn't measure up.  On a good day I'll tell myself we just weren't a good fit.  On a different day I'll blame them for their selfishness.  On any other day I'll tell myself I failed.  What makes a friend?  Acceptance?  Appreciation?  Similar interests?

My coffee is cold now.  I haven't found an answer. 

I will continue to be the best me I can be and we will see if others are drawn to me.  It's all I can do.

My small life

I've been reflecting on this year of blogging as 2011 is drawing to a close.  As I think about it, I realize, I live a pretty small life.  By this, I mean, I have pretty small wants and desires.  My dreams for my life are pretty small.  I don't think a small life is a bad thing.  In fact, I think if I were to choose the life I would have, I would choose this life I'm living with very few changes.

I know I've done a lot to make my life the small life it is.  I've decided I want to buy local foodstuffs for my family and shop in local stores.  We have a Walmart in our town.  In the 16 years of it's doors opening, I've entered this store less than a dozen times.  It's just not where I choose to shop.  There are a couple new chain department stores in my town and I haven't been in them yet.  Clothes shopping isn't my favorite diversion.  I buy all my produce at a local farm.  I buy my meat from local farmers.  I buy my eggs and cheese from local farmers.  This is a decision our family has made.

Because of the "buying local" food thing, I have to cook my meals at home.  Going out to a restaurant is a rare occurrence for my family.  It's not that we can't afford it.  It's that we choose to eat the food we have already purchased and eat at home.  I am so grateful for the internet and the various cooking blogs out there.  There are so many homesteading blogs with women choosing to can and preserve summer bounty.  I find so much inspiration out there in the blogosphere. 

I don't wear the most fashionable clothing.  This works out well for me, as I don't attend fancy parties and events.  If I do have to attend an event, I find something in my closet I have worn before and it gets another night out on the town.  I don't feel bad about this.  The reality of the situation is, the clothes I wear to work don't make me do a better job and the clothes I wear to a party don't make my personality any more sparkling than it already is.

I don't redecorate my house very often.  I'm satisfied with the furniture and decor I chose early in my marriage and have made it work for every house we have lived in throughout my husband's naval career and second career years.  It's so much fun to think back to the days when our kitchen table served as an end table and to remember the compliments we received on our various homes.

My husband wanted to expand my life this past year by traveling more.  We went on a lot of vacations this past year.  I have to say, it was a bit tough on me.  I'm not ungrateful.  I love travel and I had a great time on each trip.  Maybe if the hurricane hadn't broken my house I would have had an easier time being away from home.  I don't know.  I felt a bit disconnected and pushed for time to get my house fixed and back in order.  There are still quite a few things that need to be fixed and organized.  I'm looking forward to my Christmas break to get some jobs done around the house.  Maybe this means I'm a "homebody."  I don't know.

My hopes and dreams for my family are small, as well.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to be a contribution to society and to be generous to those in need.  I want my son to be able to live independently and to like his job.  I want to teach my son how to make his money work for him while he is working to earn his money. 

The most important people in my life are family.  I wish my mother lived closer to me, but she would probably want my father to come with her and I like him just where he is.  I have wonderful friends.  They are interesting and fun to hang around with.  My entertainment needs are small and my son has introduced me to Netflix streaming.  It's not great, but there is a TON of South Park on it.

My job is pretty small.  I'm a secretary.  And, I've recently discovered, through an "ALL STAFF" email from the president that I'm a non-essential employee.  It appears of the approximately 250 staff members where I work, only 18 of them were deemed essential and given raises.  Evidently, my boss is one of the essential employees.  Gee, I wonder if I helped him out at all?  I guess he did great all on his own.  *He's Awesome*  (sarcasm)

So, there you have it.  I love my life.  It's been fun to share a bit of it with my readers and even meeting a couple of you.  I'm looking forward to 2012.  I'm looking forward to sharing more of my life's journey with you and focusing on being happy on the journey.

kevinsmicrohomestead.wordpress.com

A wish for boxes in my brain

Compartmentalization.  What a wonderful word.  Compartmentalization of thoughts and emotions.  Boxes in your brain.  I wish there was a pill I could take to increase my ability to compartmentalize.  It would be wonderful.

Compartmentalize (verb) - to separate into isolated categories.

Men are born with brains with a high ability to compartmentalize and a low ability to multitask.  I know I'm walking the edge of political correctness here, but let's just think biologically for now.  The male brain has a high ability to control emotions and a low relational orientation.  They have high project orientation and a high ability to "zone out" or act first and think about it later when in a stressful situation.

Women are born with brains that are highly empathetic and have a low ability to compartmentalize.  The female brain has a low ability to control emotions and high relational orientation.  Female brains have lower project orientation and a low ability to "zone out."  Women have a tendency to think first and act second, a more cautious response in a stressful situation.

These are generalized descriptions of male and female brain activity, there are always exceptions. 

I read an article by Rachel G. Baldino about understanding emotional compartmentalization.  She used the example from the Sept. 28, 2006 blog, Across the Great Divide, of the Monica Lewinski scandal during the Clinton administration.  She used the example of how President Clinton was able to continue to govern the country and continue in his marriage while this scandal swirled around his presidency.  President Clinton was able to continue in his day to day activities while the nation watched this scandal and impeachment unfold.  He was able to convince himself, if not the nation and the press, that what he had with Ms. Lewinski was neither sexual, nor did it have any effect on his performance as president of the United States.  I think this is a stunning example of how one can compartmentalize.

Ms. Baldino goes on to contrast Monica Lewinski's inability to compartmentalize her emotions, wearing all her emotions on her sleeve.  Linda Tripp is also discussed as a woman with the ability to compartmentalize her emotions by being duplicitous to Monica in her phone conversations.  Ms. Tripp was sympathetic and acted as a friend to Monica while simultaneously gathering (taping phone calls) information damaging to President Clinton.  I'm not sure if Ms. Tripp is an "emotional compartmentalizer" or just, what we women call, "two faced."

The point I found compelling was how President Clinton acted during this whole event.  I know if it was me I would have been a sick emotional wreck.  I would have been in bed, sick to my stomach.  In fact, I remember Mrs. Clinton lost a bit of weight during this ordeal.  She looked GREAT.

I don't know if I want to be able to completely compartmentalize my emotions and my life, but I sure wish I could do it better than I do it now.  My husband told me to "just stop thinking about it."  (whatever "it" is)  I wish I could do this.  I think my life would be so much easier if I could just store away the thoughts of my "terrible, horrible" mistake.  Or, if I could put the memory of the Great Confrontation (read, big crybaby session) I was forced to endure in a box and hide it away.  But, I'm a woman and this is not our natural disposition.  On the upside, I am GREAT at multitasking.  :)

Dependability is my middle name

I just got an email from a friend regarding a last minute trip to North Carolina and the possibility of me going with her.  I am not the first person my friend asked to accompany her on this trip.  She asked another friend and is waiting to hear back.  I completely understand the desire of having a friend with you on a trip away.  My friend's husband had to cancel at the last minute because of work and all the accommodations are arranged and it's too late to cancel.  So, she's hedging her bets.  She's asking two different friends if they can get away at the last minute.  It's a good idea.  Girls (ok, women) like doing things together better than doing things alone.  Anyway, she wrote an email to me with the dates of the trip to see if they would work with my schedule and one of the lines in the email says,

"Please still check the dates.  She is not as dependable as you are (is there anyone who is?????)."

So, I'm dependable.  I have to admit, when I saw the words written on the screen I didn't think it was a compliment.  Dependable...  Regular...  Reliable...  boring.  

I know I've posted about my Myers Briggs personality score and how I test out to be an ISTJ.  You can click the MBTI label at the bottom of the post if you'd like to look back at some of those posts.  I am the Duty Fulfiller of the personality types.  There is absolutely nothing exciting about me.  I will not rock your boat.  In fact, I'll most likely do the annual maintenance for your boat, or at least, ensure the annual maintenance is done by someone.  Boring

One of the first things I thought of when I saw this line in the email was, "am I always available?"  I had to think about this for a little while.  I like to do fun things.  I like to go out.  I need to force myself because I can very easily start getting stuck at home and wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt and drinking tequila in front of the tv and watching too much Doc Martin.  But, the answer is, I'm not too available.  I've been asked to do things at the last minute and I've been previously committed.  See, I'm duty bound to my commitments.  I guess if I was a more exciting person I'd pick the MOST FUN thing to do and dump the other, even if it was the first commitment I made.  No, I could never do that.  I'm just not that kind of girl.  Reliable.

Another thing I thought of when I read the line in the email was this.  Depends.  Aren't they some kind of pad for old ladies with bladder control issues?  I have no idea why I thought this.  Oh, maybe I do...  I had a cold last week and I was sneezing a lot.  Yeah, that may have been what put the diaper thing on my mind.  I digress.

So, I'm the second choice invitee of my girlfriend on a spontaneous trip to North Carolina.  I'm dependable, reliable, faithful, loyal, a good citizen, dutiful, obsessed with structure, honest, serious, have great follow-through, goal oriented, and "by the book."  I'm not the most exciting girl you're ever going to meet.  But,

I hope I get to go.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

If you would like to know your MBTI take a test here.

I met Joybird and it was a Happy girl's day

It's good to be home from my San Diego vacation.  Yesterday was a long day of travel.  I am so thankful for a non-stop coast to coast flight.  It sure made the travel day much easier.  I am also thankful for the white noise of a jet engine.  (Just sayin' parents of the SCREAMING 3 year old sitting behind me for 5 hours)  I don't know where to begin telling you what I enjoyed the most about this trip.  Just kidding...  I know exactly where I want to begin.  I met Joybird, from A Songbird in His Court.

Joybird came down to San Diego and we had a wonderful day together.  Joybird is the first blogfriend I have ever met in REAL life.  So, now we are REAL life friends.  I was nervous, but I had no reason to be.  My husband was so funny when I told him a fellow blogger was coming to our hotel and I was going out and spending the day with her.  He said, "What could go wrong?  It's Joybird and Happygirl going out on the town.  It's not like it's Mommy Dearest meeting the Wicked Queen."  Yeah, he was right.  We had a great day.  Joybird graduated from UCSD, so San Diego is her old stomping grounds.  She showed me places I wouldn't have found on my own and the joy in her voice as she relived the glory days of college and being young and having fun made it all the more enjoyable.

Besides the tour, it was so much fun to talk about blogging and what it means to us.  I think I had mentioned, in a comment on Joybird's blog, that we could be neighbors.  I could tell from her writing we were kindred spirits in blogging.  We both believe in sharing the heart of the subjects we write about on our blogs, but not the details.  It was so much fun to talk about how we think about what to write and why we write.  We are similar in the way we find blogging helps clarify our thoughts as we move through life.  We are different in that we are at different stages of our lives.  I'm not saying I'm old enough to be Joybird's mom, but I could have been if I had been a teen with loose morals and spotty birth control use.

I was able to share my blogging fears.  Fear surrounding the thoughts of the real life friends that read me and never say anything about what I've shared or those who tell me they're really not learning anything new about me or those who have change parts of their lives in reaction to something I've written.  I don't know which are easier to take?  It was so good to be able to commiserate on thinking of topics to write about.  I loved being able to share the process of thinking of things in a more positive way and how this process is changing the way I think about life.  I'm sure I talked way more about myself than I should have, but making this connection opened the floodgate of sharing I've been needing.

I learned Joybird is one authentic blogger.  I really did find so much I've learned about her through her blog is really who she is.  Her love of Our Lord is something that is as natural a part of her being as breathing.  I admire that so much.  Her authenticity in her writing inspires me to check my own truthfulness in my feelings about situations in my life.  We talked about how we need to FEEL deeply about something to write about.  I know, for myself, those posts that seem to resonate most with people are those posts I shared more of my emotion on the subject.

We talked about blogger conventions.  I see how going to events like this can be so useful to bloggers.  I learned much about the technical aspects of blogging from Joybird.  She gave me some very useful tips.  I'm going to implement some of her suggestions, immediately.  One of them was using Photobucket.  I need to start using this right away.  Another was the test blog site.  SUCH a good idea.  I'm not going to share the details, but, yeah, the test site is good both artistically and psychologically.  :)

Joybird and Happygirl

Yeah, we are two good looking women.

My best friend

I met up with an OLD friend the other day.  Haha, old friend, as in long-time friend, 'cause she's the same age as me (ok, six months younger) and I'm not really old yet.  It was a great day.  I totally understand why a long-time childhood friend is one of the six friends every woman needs.  Can I say it again, it was a great day.  What did we do?  We talked.  And talked.  And talked.  Oh, and we drank.  So we could talk some more.  We walked a lot while we talked.  Can we say this was aerobic exercise?  It was wonderful to catch up on her sisters, my brothers, her parents, my parents, old high school friends, reunions that there is NO WAY we will be going to, hopes for the future and, of course husbands and children.

It is true when they say the childhood friend just "gets you."  She told me such nice things about myself.  She reminded me of the girl I was with all the hopes and dreams and promise for the future.  We remembered the days we were seriously carefree.  The biggest issue was ditching school or staying out after curfew.  I could barely remember those days, but while I was with my friend all these memories came rushing back.  Isn't it funny how we can remember the words to the songs we sang in the car while we were in high school.  We can remember crazy escapades we took when we should have been in algebra or English.  We can remember old boyfriends that dumped us or those we dumped.  But, we can't remember the difficult days with our children, now grown, or the arguments with a husband when we were frazzled by toddlers or teachers.  The memory is a selective place to visit.  It lets you travel back through some of the back passages, but blocks you from others.  I'm glad this time spent with a childhood friend opened the gates to the cherished memories of youth.

My memories of her were always the best.  She was the sweetest friend.  EVERYONE liked her.  But, I was her bestie and we always hung out together.  She always wanted to have fun and go anywhere.  She was brave enough to knock on a door of a house of people we didn't know, but had heard had a bathroom with a toilet shaped like (or hidden in) a flower pot.  We did it.  We knocked on the door.  We asked to use the bathroom AND... indeed the flower pot toilet existed.  I had the balls, she had the sweet smile that got us in the house.  So funny.

I can only hope I was as good a tonic for her as she was for me.  She told me she remembered me as smart and self assured.  I loved this.  Ever since my son became a teenager I've been told I'm not too smart.  Hee hee.  I've become a woman in my 50's and the wonderful generation of those young people in their 30's have reminded me I'm "past my prime" and really not too sharp anymore.  I work at a college, so I'm used to being around kids and being invisible because I'm irrelevant to them.  It's amazing how we see ourselves as time passes.  It was so good to hear a positive word about me.  (I'm not saying my husband doesn't compliment me, but from him, I know it's foreplay.  :))

Oh, and for anyone who read the post I wrote about my dream a couple weeks ago I have to share this little tidbit.  The valet at the hotel my friend was staying at offered to keep my car in the front driveway for me while we went out for dinner and before I would need it to drive home.  This, I hoped, would save me a little money (it didn't) and save me some time in retrieving my car when we returned (it did).  Paul from Nigeria, as his name tag read, told me I didn't need a valet ticket for my car.  He would remember me.  My car would be Just Fine.  Here's the thought bubble over my head, "What!?! No Ticket!?!  Should I give him my car keys and not have a ticket?  Am I NUTS?"  Yeah, I gave him the keys.  My car was Just Fine.  See, my dreams don't come true.

Jealous

I know it's been said before and again
these thoughts spin relentless, my wheels won't
catch purchase.  I'm stuck in rut, I'm
grinding it deeper.  These are my thoughts as
sleep avoids me.  Resisting the urge to run
screaming or drinking the last of the gin.

The mud globs I sling as I rev up my engine
in cycles as wheels spin in circles.  It sprays
everywhere, everyone in my pathway.
I'm sure they don't know I don't mean any
harm when I sting their ears and their
eyes with my barbs dipped in poison.

My pain and my fear of a life in the future
in darkness, unknown, outside of a plan. I
suffer inside force a smile to my face so
someone won't see all the junk inside me.
Your enviable life of perfection is galling.
Boys growing strong with no struggle at all.

Embarrassment floods my face with blood
leaving a stomach bloodless and sick with
lost hope of a friend in this struggle.  Life is
much harder when done with secrets, alone
and lying and hiding inside.  Open the sealed
door of my pride and spill fear to the outside.

Fear spoken aloud is a chance worth the
risking.  This cycle and circle of living, a
mystery shared by the forgivable.  We
all at incremental points on the journey.  I
trust compassion is out there for me.  Here
is my cheek, you can slap it as well.

I'm not a perfect person

What is the perfect person like?  Is it the selfless caring person?  Always ready to lend a hand or help financially.  Or do we call this person an enabler?  Is this the person keeping the ones they help in "victim" status?  Is the perfect person the encourager?  Always rooting for you to "do your best!"  Or is the perfect person the guy reminding you this isn't your battle?  Reminding you to take a step back.  Cut your losses.  Is the perfect person the friend always available to hear your tale of woe?  You never need to work things out for yourself.  She has the answer or the shoulder to cry on or the nodding assent.  Or does she tell you to suck it up!  Get over it!  Don't be such a baby!  Which is the perfect response?  Is the perfect person organized and orderly?  Is the perfect person a disorganized person?  Is the perfect person great at sports?  Is he a fine physical specimen?  Or, is he average and let's you feel OK about yourself because you're average, too?  Does the perfect person accept whining?  Does she accept lying?  Does she accept "forgetting to call you back or return your book?"  Does the perfect person forget about the unpaid loan and chalk it up as a gift?  Do perfect people get crabby?  Do they say the wrong thing at the wrong time?  Do they only say the right thing at the perfect moment?  Does the perfect person earn enough money to live a perfect lifestyle?  Or does a perfect person live within his means and require his family to do the same?  Does a perfect person feel compassion for those living outside their means?  Or does he resent their greed?  Does a perfect person cook healthy meals for the family?  Or does a perfect person order pizza?  Is a perfect person an artist?  Or is a perfect person an accountant?  Can an artist be an accountant?  Can an accountant be an artist?  Which is a perfect combination?  Does a perfect person have unshakable faith?  Or does a perfect person work their faith out daily with fear and trembling?  Does a perfect person attend church every Sunday?  Or does a perfect person take a "day of rest" and rest?  Does a perfect person need other people?  Do they need to have a friend?  Or do they need to be a friend?  Does a perfect person have all the answers?  Or does a perfect person keep their mouth (and blog) shut and pose the question for consideration?  Is a perfect person real?  Does this perfect person exist?  Is there a list of qualities and characteristics for the perfect person?  I wonder.

When I went out to my car to go to lunch, just after posting this post, The Reason was the song that came on the radio in my car.  It makes you say, hmmm?

My relaxing weekend with ROCKET SCIENTISTS

So, I told you I was excited to have a relaxing "girls weekend."  Yeah, it was GREAT.  The weather was gorgeous.  Nation Harbor is a new area in the D.C. area and it is lovely.  We stayed at a Wyndham resort hotel and it was LUXURIOUS.  My girlfriend, Amy, invited me to enjoy this weekend with her friends.  I love Amy and we enjoy each other's company so much.  We've been friends for quite a few years and have been through the many ups and downs life has to offer.  Amy was a huge reason I went back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for eight years.  I was so glad I took her advice.  Even though I couldn't go back to the technical field I had worked in before I had my son, I could find employment as a secretary in higher-ed.  It has been a great change for me and I've reacquainted myself with myself.  I'm no longer "junior's mom," but ME!!!  Anyway, I digress.

Sometimes when you've been friends with someone so long and so well you begin to forget how OUTSTANDING they are.  My friend's friends on this "girl's weekend" were all ROCKET SCIENTISTS.  Here we are, sitting around, diving into the first round of martinis and the conversation begins.  These are amazingly brilliant women.  Let me tell you about being in the presence of brilliance.  It is so comfortable...  I'll bet you didn't expect me to say that.  I'll bet you thought I might have said, Intimidating..., or Unnerving..., or even, ...Daunting.  None of those words would describe the feelings evoked in this group.  The beauty of being in the presence of truly intelligent, accomplished women is the acceptance one feels.  These are women confident of their abilities and intelligence.  It was so refreshing.  It was great to be included with such a great group of women.  Don't let me mislead you into thinking this was an academic weekend.  No WAY.  Nobody can party like a Rocket Scientist.  I considered showing you photographs of all the empty wine bottles and martini glasses.  I thought about asking you if you can say Eyjafjallajokull three times fast.  (especially after 3 or 4 glasses of wine)  But what I really HAVE to tell you about is this.  Smart women, accomplished women, beautiful women, can accept other people, especially other women, for who they are and make sure they know they are accepted and APPRECIATED.  It was a GREAT weekend.

I may have to agree with this

Awakening sculpture at National Harbor

Hats are fun

Hats are lots of fun

Relationships - work, church, clubs and the neighborhood

I'm still contemplating relationships in my life.  Today I'm thinking about relationships on a much more transient level.  These relationships include co-workers, neighbors, church friends, relationships formed by being in clubs together, and social networking.

This is such a surprising revelation for me, but, from experience, I know it's true.  These relationships are completely transient.  Now, I know that there is the occasional real friendship that can be formed in these relationships, but usually not.

I've had the experience of having a job for many years.  I've been close with co-workers.  I've shared personal situations.  I've spent a sizable portion of my life with these people.  However, when the time comes that I'm no longer working there or even when I go home in the evening, I'm done with them.  I've had the experience of being the only person at the hospital when one of my co-workers was having emergency surgery and bringing him or her meals and running errands for her, but I know when I am no longer working with him, we are done.  We most likely will not keep in touch.  Now this doesn't mean that I don't like these people.  It just means that our relationship is not a close, long lasting relationship.

I think the most surprising area that I have found this to be true is church.  I have had the experience of leaving a church and going to a different church without moving out of the area.  Even though I still lived in the same neighborhood with church "friends", they were done with me.  No calls, no lunches, nothing.  These were women and men that had shared VERY INTIMATE information.  These were women and men that were instrumental in supporting me during difficult times in my marriage .  These were men and women I have shared personal shortcomings I have only otherwise shared with God.  These are men and women, I thought, were brothers and sisters in Christ.  Brothers and sisters.  Family.

The folks I've met as neighbors, in clubs, and "friends" on facebook are certainly transient.  It's fun to have friendships with these people while we are living near each other or in the club, but, again, these are not necessarily long lasting relationships.

As I look back over what I've written about this level of relationship I see how I have contributed to the demise of these friendships.  I'm a more introverted person.  It is difficult for me to be outgoing or to initiate friendships.  I need to examine how this is working for me.  I don't see how I can bemoan my lack of close girlfriends and not be a person willing to put myself out there.