Tamoxifen sucks

I haven't written about Tamoxifen for a long long time.  Maybe the reason I've been silent on the subject is because of what I learned from Mr. Rabbit.  (you know, Thumper's dad.  you remember, in Bambi.)  Anyway, Mr. Rabbit told Thumper one morning, and then Mrs. Rabbit reminded Thumper later that same day when Thumper was telling everyone he didn't think Bambi walked all that well, "if you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all."

I haven't got anything nice to say about Tamoxifen today.  So, (following my movie quote theme) I'm going to quote the beautiful Clairee Belcher in Steel Magnolias when she said, "if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!"

Please sit right down and join me.

I'll start with telling you that I AM TIRED.  I haven't slept a full night through in more than two and a half years.  I am sure that by now I have a serious sleep debt.  My energy level is super low.  It has come to a point where the effort of sitting erect for nine hours, five days a week is exhausting to me.  Who would have thought that sitting in a chair can become exhausting?

I am so tired that the thought of doing any exercise at all seems completely out of the question.  Everyone tells me that if I do some exercise it will improve my energy level, but where does one find the energy to exercise when they are so tired?  This is what is known as a Catch 22 (another movie reference).

One of the reasons I can't sleep is the horrible terrible really bad night sweats.  (trust me, there are no movie references about this.  even the scariest horror movie would not mention the dreaded night sweats.)  The tremendous variation in comfort, going from boiling hot to freezing cold is a rude awakening that happens at least once a night.  And, the fact that this has been going on for two and a half years... my mattress is shot.  There is no point in purchasing a new mattress since I have two and a half more years to be on the stuff.  Dang Tamoxifen!!

Another reason Tamoxifen sucks was reinforced at my house last night.  Every night, or pretty much every night, at 9:00 p.m. I have a hot flash.  I'm not exactly sure why it is called a flash?  It isn't over in a flash.  It usually takes a good 45 minutes to an hour to recover from a particularly strong hot flash.  This isn't too bad, if I'm home alone, or even with my husband (because after my bout with menopause and the first two and a half years of Tamoxifen, he is used to the dreaded hot flash.  he gives me room.).  In this case I typically strip out of my shirt and either go outside or stand in front of the open freezer, whichever is cooler.  Last night I couldn't do either... my son was over.  Last night my son was visiting and he wanted my attention.  He wanted me to look at a Walking Dead video game on YouTube.  He knows I am a WD fan and typically I would enjoy this.  Simultaneously, my husband was texting me and asking me to find the link for my blog about WWII love to share with his cousin.  All I had was my phone and blogger reader makes searching for a blog post in the detail portion of blogger nearly impossible.  Add that to my frustration of being a sweaty mess and feeling like I may burst into flames at any second and my son giving me crap for not looking at his YouTube video, well... I spoke with a tone in my voice.

The tone was an unpleasant tone.  I even texted my husband with an unpleasant tone.  Everyone (my son and my husband and since my husband was on the texting end of my unpleasant tone, he was affected at a lesser degree.) thought I was angry when the truth of the matter was that I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

My son was hurt.

I told him I was having a hot flash and I was uncomfortable.  He asked me what a hot flash was.  I told him to come near me.  He did.  He sat next to me on the couch and said, "wow, you're hot."  (not in a good way)  I agreed.  I said I was hot and I would appreciate it if he would open a window.  He did.  He asked if it was better.  It wasn't, but I said it was.  This went on for about 15 minutes.  I told him it was going to be a while until I felt better.  He said he was leaving and going back to his house.  I hope when the day comes, and I really hope that day comes for him, that he has to be comforting and tolerant of a woman in the throws of a hot flash, he will remember this moment.  He probably won't.

Tamoxifen sucks.

Enjoy the movie scene of Catch 22. 

410.  Tamoxifen is, so far, keeping me from breast cancer
411.  I haven't had any of the very scarey side effects of Tamoxifen
412.  I got to use both affect and effect in this blog post and I used them correctly
413.  Thinking about the movie Steel Magnolias always makes me smile
414.  I have a new book to read on my kindle
415.  AAPL has been up HARD this week
416.  Another beautiful fall-like day in mid August
417.  Talking to my husband on the phone this morning (I woke him up)
418.  Crepe myrtles blooming everywhere
419.  Finding my boss's iPad mini for him (he's grateful to me, that's a good thing)
420.  Tomorrow is Friday

Tamoxifen, two years done and three to go

I'm still taking Tamoxifen every day.  I've haven't talked about it for quite a while, but that doesn't mean taking it every day and living with the side effects has gotten any easier.  They just started having the HAZARDOUS label attached to the pill bottle.  And, what the heck is that red four circle Biohazard symbol on there for?  Every morning I open the bottle and take a pill that is labeled Biohazard and ingest it.  If that doesn't wake you up in the morning, I don't know what else could.

As far as the side effects go...  They are not abating.  I still have a HUGE hot flash every morning between 7:30 and 8:00 a.m.  Right after I finish showering, blow-drying and flat-ironing my hair, getting dressed and hurrying out the door, WOOSH, the hot flash hits.  Fortunately it's winter, so I can crank down the window of my car and get a bit of relief.  Another regular hot flash hits about 12 hours later or right after dinner.  I find myself soaked to the skin and I'm not sure I could feel more uncomfortable.  The other super fun side effect is the night sweats.  I still wake in the middle of the night freezing cold because the sheets, my jammies and my hair are soaking wet with sweat.  I haven't had a good night's sleep in two years.  I'm very, very tired.

Next week I go to the Breast Clinic and have my yearly exam and mammography.  I'm hoping for good news.  My fingers are crossed.  I have been faithfully taking the meds and stoically abiding the side effects.  I hope, the least thing Tamoxifen can do for me is prevent me from getting breast cancer.  I guess I'll know, for sure, in about a month.

Now, on the positive side, I haven't had any of the dangerous side effects.  I don't seem to be depressed and I have no bleeding (a sign of uterine cancer that can be a side effect of Tamoxifen).  I thank God for this.

76.  Medications that keep me healthy
77.  Doctors who know their stuff
78.  Cold air when the going gets tough
79.  My flat iron (my son gave it to me for Christmas.  I think it was my favorite gift)

Blogging perk

One of my readers sent me a bunch samples of her skin care line after reading this post about Tamoxifen and my skin.  I was so surprised to receive an email from a reader offering help for my sad, sad skin.  Maryclaire Mayes is the founder of Alabu skin care.  Maryclaire has no idea I'm sharing her skin care line with my readers and hasn't given me anything more than an envelope full of samples of her product.

My favorite product was her Almond Body Lotion.  The lotion was absorbed into my skin so quickly and the scent of almonds was lovely.  I love the fact that the product is truly natural and nothing artificial is used.  Another product Maryclaire shared with me was a bar of her Goat Milk Soap.  It doesn't dry out my skin as much as the commercial soap I was using prior to using the samples of her product.  My skin is much less dry and the crepe paper-like texture has much improved.  The Shea Body Butter is another luscious product.  I used it on my feet every night of my vacation.  It kept my feet looking "sandal ready" throughout the trip.  Lastly, and most surprisingly, I loved the Replenish Facial Moisturizer.  I was surprised I liked it so much because when I opened the packet I discovered the product was an oil.  I didn't think I would like it.  I thought it would make my face look oily.  I was so wrong.  My skin drank in the product and there was no oiliness on my face.  When I was thinking about how this worked, it made perfect sense to me.  Other moisturizers add water to their product and Alabu does not.  When you think about it, why do I want to pay for water?

This post is my thank you note to Maryclaire Mayers for reading my blog and for sending me the samples of her wonderful product.  Click here and check out the Alabu skin care line.  I think this girl is on to something good.  :)

317.  Wonderful readers
318.  Felling better in my skin
319.  Supporting small businesses
320.  Sharing things I love

Tamoxifen is taking its toll on my skin

I've been on Tamoxifen for 15 months.  I only have 45 months to go.  Oh my goodness that looks daunting.  How am I going to survive 45 more months?  I know I have to take Tamoxifen and I know I will survive it, but it's tough.

Today I'm complaining about my skin.  Tamoxifen is changing my skin into "old lady" skin.  My skin is becoming so dry.  It's becoming like tissue paper.  My skin is becoming thin and crinkly on my arms and legs.  It's horrible.  I never used to have to put lotion on my skin.  I've always had the loveliest, most supple skin.  It's always been soft and smooth.  It's been taut and youthful.  Now it is just the opposite of all this.

The skin on my arms is becoming so thin and dry that it can be scratched open with a very minor bump or scratch.  I need to take better care of my skin.  Skin is the largest organ of the body.  It's job is to protect the body, regulate the temperature of the body, store lipids and water, allow the body to feel sensations, and act as a water resistant barrier.  My skin is beginning to fail at many of these functions.

I'm guessing my skin is no longer great at storing the lipids and the water.  I'm guessing lipids and water make skin plump and smooth.  My skin has become crepe-like and, well, not as smooth as it used to be.  I don't have alligator scales yet, but I may be on my way.  My skin has become quite thin.  I remember being a little girl and sitting next to my grandma and holding her hand.  I was fascinated by them.  I could see the veins right through her skin.  And the coolest thing yet, I could move them around under her skin.  I thought this was WONDERFUL.  My hands are turning into my grandma's hands.  Hell, they are turning into my mother's hands.  The view of my veins through the skin on the back of my hands it getting clearer and clearer every day.  AWESOME, not.

My skin is still doing a wonderful job of keeping water out of my body.  I'm pretty sure I'm not absorbing water like a sponge.  After all, as I mentioned before, I'm dry.  Sometimes I wish I could soak some of the wet stuff into my skin.  I'm trying to find the bright side.  So on the plus side, my skin is still acting as a water barrier.  :)

On the subject of regulating my body temp.  Let's just say this, this is probably the reason my skin has become so thin and warn out.  I have so many temperature fluctuations during the day my skin is most likely exhausted.  Hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold... it's never ending.  I wake up soaked in sweat.  (on the positive side, sweat glands are working GREAT) Then I immediately begin to freeze as the sweat starts to evaporate from my body.  (another positive, goosebumps still work)  Get in the car and drive to work, hot flash.  (begin sweating)  Turn on AC to ice cold.  (commence shivering)  Repeat throughout the day, as needed.  Fun.

I can still feel sensations with my skin.  Let's put this in the positive column, as well.  (seriously, this is the beauty of blogging.  if you would have asked me if there was anything positive to say about my skin, the answer would have been, NO!) 

I'm guessing the answer to my dry skin problem is lotion, lotion, lotion.  I'm not used to using a lot of body lotion, but I think this is going to change.  Another thing that's going to change is the love of the hot shower.  I believe I'm going to be leaving this behind, as well.  I've heard of people who quit showering and do a thing called "dry brushing."  I don't know if I can give up showering, altogether, but this may be a solution.  The one thing I know is certain is that I need to stop taking my skin for granted and start taking better care of it.  I'm not sure, but I think drinking more water may help with dry skin.  I'm open to any and all suggestions.  What's blogging for if not free advice.  Thanks guys.  :)

96.  Peppermint scented body lotion
97.  Surprise lunch outing with my husband and son
98.  Trader Joe's portabello stuffed ravioli
99.  A chilled drinking fountain just outside my office door
100.  Being reminded of a weekend getaway I forgot all about
101.  The opportunity to vote for the candidate of my choice
102.  Tamoxifen

More about Tamoxifen

I just put a request for a refill of my Tamoxifen prescription into the pharmacy.  Doing this reminded me I haven't posted about my Tamoxifen journey in a while.  I guess I haven't posted because not much has changed.  I'm into my second year of the five-year Tamoxifen adventure.  I've become bored with the scenery.  I still have the regular hot flashes.  I'm sort of getting used to them.  I don't like them, but they are expected and they do not disappoint.  I wish hot flashes burned calories, but I don't think they do.  I feel like I've put a bit of weight on, of late.  Bummer.  I need to turn this around immediately or my "big girl" pants won't keep looking so good on me.  :)

So, hot flashes and night sweats continue.  My annual breast exam and mammogram were uneventful, and that's just the way I like them.  Normal.  Normal.  Normal.

I'm sleeping a  lot better.  This is good news.  I think I'm sleeping well because this winter hasn't been too cold.  It doesn't feel like ice is forming on my sheets if the air happens to hit them.  I've learned I have to use a LOT of body lotion, since I'm becoming a raisin, now.  If any younger women happen to be reading this post, this is scary stuff.  I'm gonna tell you.  It is horrific to find the wrinkles on your face.  When I brush my teeth in the morning and see my mom in the mirror, it scares me EVERY time.  I have to admit, I've kinda been expecting the lines on my face.  If I have to sell a few shares of AAPL to get something done about them, I will.  I'm not too proud and I am a bit vain.  The wrinkles that really scare me are the ones I find on my forearms and calves.  WHAT THE HECK?  I didn't expect to see those.  Scary, crepe-paper skinned forearms and calves make me cringe.  I look down at my arms and I see my grandma's arms.  It freaks me out.

This aging thing is not for sissies.

I'm not feeling depressed.  This is good.  I remember this was something my doctor worried about for me.  I went to a therapist for about six months and felt this wasn't something that was a benefit to me.  Sure, I have my moments of being anxious about my husband's retirement and our future.  And, yes, I have my moments of being anxious about my son's future and ability to support himself.  I think these are normal fears.  They do not keep me living my life to the fullest.  I have the occasional nightmare about them, but that's the worst of it.  I no longer take benadryl  to help me sleep.  I was told it was contraindicated for people on Tamoxifen.  I do still have a couple cocktails every night.  I've found if I only have one or two I sleep much better than if I've had three or four.  Another good reason to be moderate in my drinking.  Also, the less I eat in the evening, the better I sleep.  Another good reason not to overeat.  Everything is good in moderation.

I'm sure exercise would be very helpful.  I plan to start going to the gym at work beginning on Ash Wednesday.  No 40 days of yoga for me this year, but I'll get back on the treadmill.  (I just took a peek back to my post a year ago.  I'm still wearing the pants I bought then.  I don't need a new size, but I think an updated pair is in order.)

I'm wondering how I will react to having my husband home when I get home from work?  I'm wondering how I'll react to less money?  I'm wondering how I'll react when I'm getting ready for work and my husband is still in bed?  I'm wondering so many things about this new phase of my life.  I am entering this new phase with my old frenemy, Tamoxifen.

Let the adventure continue.  :)

Cell with estrogen receptors blocked by tamoxifen and helper proteins.

A - estrogen receptor

B - tamoxifen

C - estrogen helper proteins

D - tamoxifen helper proteins

E - cell nucleus

F - DNA (genetic material) inside cell nucleus

2011, you flew by so fast

January
I quit the church.  I quit the church lady bible study.  I wanted to quit my job.  Tried to get back into an exercise routine.  Started taking Tamoxifen and started blogging with the purpose of seeing my thoughts in black and white and seeing what I could do to become a happier girl.

February
I became introspective about my responsibility for my own happiness.  I decided to change negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  I had a confrontation with my boss about his responsibility to back me up in some of the decision making I needed to do to do my job, properly.  I struggled to adjust to the lousy side-effects of Tamoxifen.

March
I began a 40-day yoga exercise.  I discovered I'm not a huge fan of yoga at this point in my life.  I decided to forgive the church ladies.  I forgave them for me, not for them.  I later discovered, they weren't quite done with me.  Maybe I'll tell you about it some time.  My mother-in-law passed away.  I think this is when the year started getting super tough for our little family.

April
Silver prices soared to a long-time high price and I started selling silver.  I sold silver for my husband and for my father.  I made a few shekels and maxed myself out of my favorite hobby, eBay.  I got a handle on my job and became much more content at work, even though there were no raises for us again this year.  (5 years without a raise.  yuk)

May
Osama Bin Laden was eliminated.  I continued my struggle with the side-effects of Tamoxifen.  I struggled with the testing for possible uterine cancer.  I went on vacation to Daytona Beach.  I learned a lot about myself this month.  The biggest thing I learned was that I treat myself cheaply.  I decided to make a change in this regard.  I am important and deserve to be considered in all decisions I make.

June
I continued selling silver on eBay.  I became more accepting of myself and my body.  I accepted the hot flashes and night sweats.  This is my new normal.

July
I went to San Diego, CA for the 4th of July.  It was a great vacation.  I decided I want to move to San Diego when we retire.  It was HOT in the mid-Atlantic.  REALLY HOT.  I continued on my self-acceptance journey.  I, kinda, love this.

August
I froze peaches and made pickles.  Our family traveled to Indiana to lay my mother-in-law to rest.  Things didn't go smoothly with the siblings, but in the end, we came together and did the thing just right.  I finished the long ordeal of testing for uterine cancer and learned I was cancer-free.  :)  We suffered a tree through our roof and my son's car was crushed by a tree as a result of Hurricane Irene.  :(

September
I went to Reno, NV for the Tailhook convention.  We struggled with the insurance company and contractors to get our home and car repaired.  This took up most of the month.  Sorry.

October
We continued the house repair.  My job became extra challenging.  Mold caused two residence halls to be shut down and the college hired a cruise ship to house the students.  I learned more about maritime law and mold than I ever wanted to know.  My son totaled his car by hitting a telephone pole a mere two weeks after getting it back from being repaired from having a tree land on it.  But, grandma had left him a green mustang convertible and he wasn't injured too bad.  Lucky.

November
I started going to church again.  I got involved in a small group bible study.  I reconnected to my faith and I'm starting to trust church people again.  I've always trusted God, but his people make me nervous.  Most of the house repairs are complete.  Just one window replacement to go.   We went to Williamsburg, VA for Thanksgiving.  All three of us.   

December
I prepared for and celebrated CHRISTMAS.  I mean, if you are the mom of the house, what else do you have time to do?

It's good to see the highlights of the year on one page.  I see it's been almost a year since I've been with my parents, so I better schedule a trip to Illinois.  Yes, 2011, you were a challenging year.  I learned a lot about myself and my family.  I learned when the going gets tough, our family can handle it.  I'm very proud of us.  I think 2012 is going to be great.

What I've learned from blogging

As I wrap up this first year of "blogging with a purpose" I'm taking a moment to reflect on this process.  What have I learned by blogging?

One thing I learned about myself is I can be disciplined.  I looked back at this year and I see I was pretty darn consistent.  My desire was to discipline myself to write a post four or five times each week.  I wanted to do it, and I did it.  This is very encouraging to me.  It shows me when I put my mind to do something, I can do it.

Another thing I learned about myself was my journey on Tamoxifen went better than I thought it would.  It was good to have a place to write down my feelings about how my body and my thought process was being effected by the drug.  I was told Tamoxifen can cause depression in some people.  I think seeing my feelings and complaints written down in black and white kept me from letting thoughts BLOW UP in my mind to a degree much greater than they actually are in reality.  I think the writing process allowed me to vent some feelings into the void and not sit and stew in them.  It also gave me a time-line to follow my progress on the drug.  I think this not only helped me, but it helped me relay my side effects to my doctor and, I feel, blogging improved the level of health care I received.

I discovered some very kind people out there in the blogosphere.  I have some very faithful readers and I've received much encouragement through their comments.  I've had family reading my blog and received a couple compliments.  (this is a bigger deal than you may think.  my family is not known for complimenting each other.  not the greatest way to interact, but this is the way we are.  I'm making efforts to change this in myself.)  I've met a couple bloggers in person through this process and my life is richer for it.  I've found blogs and bloggers through this experience that have taught me much.  I don't think I would have found their blogs had I not become a blogger myself.

I grew in my faith through bloggers I discovered through blogging.  It was good to find other bloggers with a strong faith.  Bloggers working through tough things that can happen any one of us as we walk this earth and reading about them leaning so hard on Jesus through it all.  They inspire me.  It was so good to find believers not looking for what they could "get" from a church (read; beg for money) and looking to "give" through church.  These bloggers gave me a sliver of hope for the church in the world today.

I've become a better writer through blogging.  The discipline of nearly daily writing changed the way I think about my writing.  I added more detail.  It forced me to look at the situations I was writing about from, not only my point of view, but the point of view of my reader and whether or not I was making myself clear in my writing.  Since I don't have images on my blog, I need to make my words tell the story.  I need to be descriptive.  I think it helped my proofreading, too.  If need be, I'm going to use this as a training exercise for my job.  :)

Writing this blog has been a very positive experience for me.  It's been wonderful to be open and "out there" with my feelings, the good feelings and the bad feelings.  Nothing good can come from hiding in your house and only sharing with sycophants and children.  I took the risk and shared my thoughts with ANYONE who chose to read my words.  I learned from both the criticism and the compliments, alike.  I can't think of anything I would have done differently or wish I wouldn't have written.  My only desires would be to learn to take better pictures, get more tech savvy and keep improving my writing skills.  These are all doable.  I am so looking forward to 2012.

My break, from work, begins tomorrow.  I, most likely, will not be posting until after the new year.  Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Tamoxifen, the first year

It's my Tamoxifen anniversary.  Today I went up to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center.  Isn't that a mouthful.  It used to be Bethesda Naval Medical Center, but no more.  Walter Reed Army Hospital on Georgia Ave. is closed and has been completely integrated into the NEW Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda.  Anyway, today was the day for my annual check-up.  I'm sure my older lady readers know what I am talking about.  Fun stuff.

One year on Tamoxifen down and four more to go.  Oh boy. 

To be completely honest, it's getting a little better.  The 9 p.m. hot flash has stopped being an every day occurrence and dwindled to about three times a week.  I still have the 7:30 a.m. hot flash every morning on my drive into work.  However, I do have the option of cranking the AC in the car to North Pole and it does help quite a bit.  Since it's December and the climate in my neck of the woods has become seasonal, I just open the window.  Sweet relief.

However, the night sweats have not diminished one little bit.  They are the bane of my existence.  There is nothing worse than finding your entire body on fire in the middle of the night, whipping off the covers to discover your body's fire department called in your sweat glands to work overtime.  Now you have a soaking wet nightie and frigid air and a wet spot on the bed that feels like ice.  Gee, I hope you don't have any trouble falling back to sleep after this episode.  You do?  Gee, that's a shame.  I had been taking benadryl and it had been helping, but my doctor told me benadryl reduces the effect Tamoxifen has on the estrogen receptors on breast cells.  And since the whole point of taking this medicine is for it to be effective, No More Benadryl.  Bummer.

I think my doc is going to look for something to help me sleep.  She seems to be acting like she cares about me a bit more lately.  Or, maybe the giant bags under my eyes have convinced her I'm sleep deprived.  Whichever, I'm going to get some help.

All in all, I'm finding my days on Tamoxifen going a bit better.  Oh, and I lost 5 lbs. without really trying.  This is always good.  So, only four more years on Tamoxifen... It looks worse when I see it written down like that.  :)

I'm a winner

I am a winner in my life.  This year I have done a complete 180 in my attitude about my job.  This year I have become accepting of the next four years of my life on Tamoxifen and its side effects.  This year I have become focused on being positive in my life and being a positive influence on others.  This is why I am a winner.  Jim Tressel shared 10 tips for leading a successful life.  These tips can give you the encouragement and be a guide you need to become a winner in your own life. 
 
1.  Decide your purpose and set your goals

• Success at any endeavor is not in the trappings of awards or trophies.  Success is found in the peace of mind attained by knowing you have done your very best to become the best you, you are capable of being.  Success is internal.

2.  Develop an attitude of gratitude

• Count your blessings.  Stop whining about what you don't have and focus on what you have.  I've been continuing to add to my gratitude list and it really does make an impact on how I view myself.

3.  Create your own enthusiasm

• We all know the law of inertia in physics.  A body in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an outside force.  Enthusiasm for yourself provides that forward motion.  Of course there is always the possibility of being acted on by an outside force, but when you provide your own enthusiasm, you provide your own forward motion.

4.  Discipline is a daily decision

• Every day is a new day.  Every day you can decide to do what you need to do and do it for just that day.  No matter what the activity.  Whether your activity is exercise, or study, or smiling, or cleaning house, or whatever, decide you will do this activity each day and focus on each day as its own entity.

5.  Be your best where you are

• Focus on the moment.  This breaks the daily decision of discipline into small increments.  Focus on the moment you find yourself and be your best.  Just for that moment.

6.  Pursue excellence

• I've posted that doing anything for 10,000 hours will make you successful at it.  Don't settle for mediocrity.  Strive for excellence.  Put in the time.  Put in the effort. 

7.  Have faith and believe

• Trust in something bigger than yourself.  Have a faith in a higher power.  Have a belief in your purpose.  Having a faith and believing in your purpose is not about what you can accomplish.  Faith is the foundation of who you are.  Belief is the outward expression of that faith by what you do.

8.  Learn from failure

• Be persistent.  Don't give up.  Winners don't let failure stop them.  Winners learn from their failures and try again.  Quitters are never winners.

9.  Be prepared for adversity

• Adversity is not a question of "if."  Adversity is a question of "when."  Adversity will come our way.  If our attitude is negative and we become defensive when faced with criticism, we will blame others and miss our opportunity to advance.  Embrace the obstacles on your path to success.

10.  Love

• Love isn't about receiving pleasure from a person or pursuit.  Love is about how much we want to give to a person or a pursuit.  If we love something or someone, we want to give back.

Tamoxifen is my friend

Yes, those words tasted pretty bad, but they are true.  I haven't posted about Tamoxifen and me for a while.  Since it's October and all the manly American NFL players are sporting pink on any part of their uniform that will not interfere with the recognition of their team colors, I will ponder my 10th month on Tamoxifen.

I'm going to begin by saying, I thank God I do not have breast cancer.  I am grateful every day that I do not have this horrible disease.  I know I've been flippant about my side effects and the like regarding Tamoxifen, but, so far, I don't have breast cancer and this is the whole job of this drug.  Tamoxifen is supposed to keep Happygirl from getting breast cancer and it is doing it's job.  Thank you Tamoxifen.

I am also grateful I do not have the worst side effect of Tamoxifen, endometrial cancer.  I know I whined and complained about the many tests I endured to ensure I did not have this disease, but now that all that is in the past and I hardly remember all those doctor appointments and the invasiveness of them and the fact that I had to leave $25 on the nightstand.  I will say, thank you Tamoxifen.

Don't expect me to leave this post about Tamoxifen as being all kittens and puppies and butterflies.  Here are the hard facts.  I typically have two hot flashes EVERY day.  One occurs at 7:30 in the morning, as I drive to work.  Thank you, Tamoxifen, for the giant sweat stains under my arms every morning.  Another occurs at 9:00 in the evening.  Thank goodness it's dark at this time of the year as I typically have to go out on my front porch and take my shirt off.  (tmi, oh well)  Occasionally I will have a third hot flash during the day.  It always comes when I'm enjoying myself and usually when I'm with other people.  I love turning beet red and flowing sweat in the middle of a conversation.  (not)  The night sweats are continuing.  I am grateful it is autumn and will soon be winter and our home is heated with a heat-pump.  (read, this is not seriously considered heat)  I'm sure my husband won't mind freezing to death every night while I finally get a bit of sleep.  I do have one little ray of sunshine on the sleeping issue.  Valium.  This is great stuff.  I understand you can become addicted to it, so they won't give me very much of it, but this stuff works.  I've had a few really great nights of sleep under the influence of this drug.  Better living through chemistry, sometimes.

I will sign off with another hearty Thank You to Tamoxifen.  Also, any ladies reading, remember to get your mammogram and be vigilant with the girls.  If you forget I mentioned it, watch some football this Sunday and ask your husband why all the players are wearing pink.

I need focus

My mind is so scattered at this time.  I'm pulled between the restoration of my home, an additional 5 lbs and lack of exercise, an additional hot flash added to my day (thanks Tamoxifen), and my performance at my job.  I need to find focus and perspective.  Instead, my reaction seems to be inaction.  Not good.

My thoughts on this are swirling around.  I'm going to take a few moments and seek some clarity as I strive to untangle the mess in my head.

First of all, I'm tired.  I've been struggling to get up in the morning and make it to work on time.  *job performance suffering*  My desire is to go to bed earlier, but when I do that, I find I'm laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and watching the clock.  *frustrating*  I've begun taking Tylenol PM and it helps.  A little.

Solutions?  I'm thinking if I restart my exercise routine I will feel more tired at night and fall asleep quicker and sleep sounder.

Problem.  I'm not exercising now and getting started is the toughest part.  Ok, ok... I hear you.  Just do it.

So, if I'm looking at this stream of consciousness correctly, exercise may be a key.  Regular exercise may help me lose the weight.  Regular exercise may make me more tired and a better sleeper.  Thus allowing me to get up on time in the morning and make it to work on time.  Ergo, my job performance gets better.

I'm thinking I may need to ask for some encouragement in the motivation department.  I'm thinking about doing a challenge.  I'm still investigating exactly what a blog challenge is and how I could integrate one into my blog and real life.  So far, I think I may do something with exercise and gratitude.  I know gratitude would certainly help me with my "poor me" attitude, in regard to my house and mess.  I need shake this off.  I think some of my insomnia may have to do with the worry of fixing things and the costs involved.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.  I know people get sick of hearing about it, so I try not to talk about it too much.  Sometimes I think it's the biggest thing in my life.  But, when I stop to think about it, it isn't.  I still go to work.  I'm still a wife.  I'm still a mother.  It isn't the BIGGEST thing in my life.  It's just the messiest.  *and I've mentioned, I don't do well in mess*

Comments and suggestions are welcome.  Seriously.  I'm open.

*sigh*  None of this will help with the hot flash, however.  My new normal is at 7:30 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. I feel the heat.  Yuk.  Thanks Tamoxifen.

No cancer. But, I still hate Tamoxifen

I don't have uterine cancer.  I am very happy.  I'm not surprised.  But, I'm very happy.

I took a few minutes, yesterday, to peek at some old blog posts to see if I had shared this part of my life with you guys, and discovered, indeed I had.  Back on Memorial Day weekend, in May (duh) I posted Tamoxifen, the rest of the story.  Seriously, I've been messing around with this issue since Memorial Day?  I think this officially proves I am not a whiner. At least, I'm not a whiner on this blog.  (Oh wait, I just found this post, Tamoxifen, take three.  Maybe I am a whiner.)  To be honest, I had to have my endometrium biopsied four times.  I had one ultrasound (and I think they should have paid me for THIS particular procedure.  Quite invasive.) and four, count 'em FOUR, biopsies.  Evidently, they had a hard time getting enough tissue for conclusive testing.  This is all in the past.  I don't have uterine cancer.  I haven't developed one of the MOST SERIOUS side effects of being on Tamoxifen.  Thank goodness I wasn't seriously worried I had cancer or the stress may have been too much for me.  I have made a promise to myself that I will follow doctor's orders when it comes to me and Tamoxifen.

Anyway, they main point is No Cancer.  This is very good.  Very positive.  I want to share the good with the bad in my little corner of cyberspace.  I also want to share this process with any women out there, reading this blog.  Taking care of ourselves is very important.  Caring for our health.  Caring for our bodies.  Caring for our mental well-being.  We women have a tendency to be care-takers of OTHERS and neglect ourselves.  Don't do it, ladies.  Take advantage of this one area of Women's Health that seems to be getting the research money.  (God knows enough money has been spent on E.D.)  Anything we can do to keep ourselves from getting breast cancer is worth doing.  Btw, self examination doesn't cut it.  In no way.  Go to the doctor.  Get your mammograms regularly.  Follow-up if you need to follow-up.  I know it's not fun.  I know it is a bit humiliating.  I know it even hurts a little.  But, you can do it.

This has been a public statement encouraging all women to take care of themselves and love themselves a little more today.  :)

Go Bears!

Not my best week

This has been a tough week for me.  It started off with me alone.  My husband went on a weekend adventure to AC with his buddies to play in a poker tournament.  I was lonely last weekend.  I don't know how come I've grown so attached to him of late.  Immediately after we married my husband and I left for our honeymoon.  This is normal.  Most newly married couples go on a honeymoon just after they marry.  Our trip was just a bit different.  We married in Chicago, honeymooned in Knoxville, TN and visited the World's Fair.  Do they even have those anymore?  I haven't heard of them lately.  We chose the World's Fair because it was something to do on the way from Chicago to Jacksonville, FL.  I was being whisked away from my home in Chicago to live in Jacksonville, FL.  This is where my husband was stationed.  He was in an S3 squadron called The Maulers.

You can ask me anything you'd like about that World's Fair.  I don't remember anything.  Oh, maybe I remember the China exhibit a bit.  I think they brought the terra cotta army.  But I could be wrong about this.  All I could think about was, "I'm married, and my husband is going out to sea for nine months when we get to Jacksonville."  I didn't really know anyone in Jacksonville.  I'd met a few of the wives in the squadron, but not many.  And, they had kids.  I didn't.

We made it to Jacksonville a week after our wedding day.  The next day, he left.  The end of my honeymoon was the beginning of my life as a navy wife.  This was the beginning of my life being married and on my own.  And, I was good at it.

So, a week after we kissed and said "I do," we kissed and said "good bye."  I adjusted very well to navy life.  I loved the freedom of being married, but on my own.  And, for the next 16 years of marriage I was on my own, off and on.  Sometimes it was harder to have him home than it was to have him gone.

Now, I don't like him gone.  I miss him.  So, that is how this week began.  And, I had a crummy migraine to match my crummy mood.  And, the migraine lasted for three days.  I had to take Monday off work because of it.  I didn't want to do this, but I didn't have a choice.  Ouch.  I'm going to blame this headache on Tamoxifen, just because I hate Tamoxifen and blame all evil in the world on Tamoxifen, but... it may have been the heat.  Who knows?

Anyway, the week didn't start out well.  Then I wrote the post about money.  I'm thinking, I shouldn't have done that.  This post fell flat.  Seriously.  I lost 20 fb friends.  Seriously.  I don't know why I let things like fb and whether or not my posts resonate with people effect how I feel about myself, but sometimes I do.  Btw, I'm going to blame this on Tamoxifen, too.  Anyway, I was kind of proud of the money post.  Yet, hardly anyone else seemed to "like" it.  Maybe I'm out of style.  Maybe I'm behind the times.  Maybe I'm just DOING IT wrong, when it comes to money.  Any of the ways you look at it...  I started feeling down.

So, I gave myself a little pity party yesterday and tried to get over it.  I'm almost over it.

This weekend I will freeze tomatoes for winter use.  I will freeze peaches for winter sunshine.  I will make pickles.  And, I'm going to load up my eBay page with items to sell.  I'm going to get back to myself and do what makes me feel good about myself.  Maybe I'll take a few pics and share them with you.  Maybe.

The Sunsphere

Tamoxifen, take three

Tamoxifen, blah, blah, blah...

I'm a bit frustrated with my saga of being on Tamoxifen.  But, since it is the primary reason for my blogging, I need to write about it.  I've been on Tamoxifen for six months now.  Yippee!!!  Only 4 and 1/2 more years to go.  Oh, that doesn't sound good, but whatchagonnado?

Currently I've made an appointment with a new doctor to have more endometrial testing done.  Yeah, they need more tissue.  The results of my last test were fine, but the pathology said there was not enough tissue to complete all the testing.  Therefore, back to the doctor I go.  For your information, this tissue gathering procedure is uncomfortable.  Just sayin'.
 
I'm not scared.  I'm fairly certain the results will be "no cancer."  But, I'm sick of it.  I'm not a big fan of going to the doctor.  However, I am a BIG fan of taking days off of work.  So lose/win. 
 
One thing I'm not so keen on is the reputation this new doctor, I'm planning to go to, has.  Every person I've spoken with has mentioned they didn't like him.  They didn't like his manner of speaking to them or "bedside manner" or "feet in the stirrups manner."  Whatever you want to call it.  Ok, so I know he's going to be a jerk to me.  I get that.  I so can't wait for my appointment now.  The fact of the matter is, I don't like ANY of these guys or gals, whatever the case may be.  I would like to avoid the whole thing.  However, I've committed to myself to take care of myself and do what the doctors recommend.

It just occurred to me that you may not know why I'm being so conscientious.  I'll tell you the story of the co-worker across the hall.  One day when I was particularly uncomfortable with the side effects of Tamoxifen the co-worker across the hall stopped by my office.  She asked what was wrong with me.  (I was trying to crawl out of my skin and I guess I looked a little "off" to her.)  I mentioned I was taking Tamoxifen and the side effects of my skin feeling too tight were bothering me.  She proceeded to tell me she had been on Tamoxifen after her breast cancer surgery and could understand how I was feeling.  (Yikes, she's lost a breast and smiling and telling me her story.  I'm a total wimp.)  She continued to tell me she had had some spotting while on the Tamoxifen, but since she was still a menstruating woman, she didn't think much of it and didn't tell her doctor.  (Wow, my doctor told me to tell her IMMEDIATELY if I have any spotting.  And I did.)  Anyway, she ended up having uterine cancer and having to have a hysterectomy.  Evidently, during the hysterectomy a tube, of some sort, was left in her body.  It traveled to her lung and perforated it.  She almost died.  So, almost died, uterine cancer, hysterectomy, yeah, I'm going to have more tissue taken out of me and examined.  I can tough it out.

If any of my readers have a "fun" Tamoxifen story, please feel free to email it to me.  I love stories.

Updates and random thoughts

I have an update on my ongoing romance with tamoxifen.  I have to have a endometrial biopsy.  Evidently, ladies, your endometrial layer should be 4 mm.  Mine, however, is a WHOPPING 1 cm.  So, off I go for more testing.  :)

I've become a Power Seller on eBay. What does this mean, you may ask.  One thing it means is that I've been working eBay like it's a job and not just an enjoyable hobby.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I sold a LOT of silver coins on eBay.  They're on to me.  In fact, eBay powers that be, are so "in tune" with the climate of the marketplace, they have opened a Precious Metal Bullion section of eBay.  I guess they heard the price of silver had risen.  Don't they read my blog?  I don't think I'm going to be a power seller for long.  Alas, the well has run dry.  :)

I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks.  Yeah, I'm feeling lazy and tired.  Not a good combination.  I'm going with the fewer calories in, in order to fit in my pants.  I need to turn this action around soon.  :)

I'm going to San Diego, CA in a couple weeks.  I haven't been there in 21 years.  I'm sure it's changed a lot.  If anyone wants to tell me fun things to do while I'm there, please do.  I'm staying in the gas lamp district.  I've never been there.  I've heard about a mystery dinner theater.  Is that a fun thing to do?  I'm open to suggestions.  I'll even consider going to the zoo, but it's not my favorite idea.  :)

This is my 99th post on my blog.  Wow.  99.  I know a lot of you have WAY more than this, but this is where I am.  For my 100th post I'm going to write 100 things about me.  I wonder if I can think of 100 things?  :)

Last Friday my boss asked me how to make a smiley face on the computer.  :)  I told him how and when he looked at it he said, "That's not a smiley face."  *shrug*

I read a blog about not having expectations about other people.  The example given was this.  If you ask someone to do something for you, and they say they will do it, and then they don't do it, don't get upset.  Adults can do whatever they want.  If they don't want to do something they've committed to doing, that's just the way it goes.  It was your fault for expecting them to do what they said they were going to do.  Huh?  I've got to think about this some more.  I'm just not getting something.  :)

Canada's postal system is on strike.  How can they do that?  I've got a buyer for eBay stuff and I can't mail it to them.  I guess I'll use UPS.  *rhymes*   :)

I've been having a hard time writing poetry.  I admire the blogging poets I read.  I don't know how your minds work, but it must be busy in there.  :)

I'm getting over the idea that my blog is going viral.  haha  Last month I wrote a post, I took an arrow in the chest.  I don't know what happened, but it kept getting page view after page view.  (us blogger have a dashboard that we can see these things on)  Anyway, for a month, I thought I was pretty darn popular.  Now things are back to "normal" and I'm feeling kinda down about it.  I've got to get over myself.  :)

All in all, life is good.  It's the end of the fiscal year at work.  This will keep me busy at work.  I think I'll buy a new book for my kindle.  Something entertaining and not controversial.  There's enough controversial stuff out in the blogosphere.  :)

Tamoxifen, the rest of the story

I'm just going to start with this, I HATE TAMOXIFEN.

Ok, now I've got that off my chest (haha, chest... tamoxifen... breast cancer).

I'll start with the positive.  I'm tolerating the side effects much better.  This is a plus.

Ok, one side effect of tamoxifen is endometrial cancer.  Obviously, this is one of the more serious side effects.  Ok, I'm going to make sure I don't have this side effect.  Today.  So, off to the doc to have my lady parts examined for endometrial cancer.  I hope I haven't offended any delicate sensibilities out there in blogland.  Btw, if you are the praying kind of person.  I'd love a word or two on my behalf.

This being said...  I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend.  Fly the flag.  Thank a veteran.  If you're an American reader, be a proud American.  If you're a reader from another great country out there in blogland, thanks for reading and have a good weekend, as well.