Finding my way in this new land

I have to admit, I'm lost.

I haven't found a routine or schedule or goal or whatever motivates one when they don't have a job outside the home and they don't have children to care for.

I used to think I was a "self starter," but now I'm not so sure.  It's funny (read, kinda sad) that I let little things stop me in my tracks.  The first thing I allowed to keep me from jumping into my new way of life was the hurt I felt from the way I was "let go" from my job.  It took me almost three weeks to pick myself up and dust myself off.  Now that I've got a bit of distance and I've let go of any ownership I felt about my work I can look at things objectively.  The first thing I've come to accept is that they fired me.

There, I said it.  Out loud.  On the internet (so it's out there forever).  Those people (jerks) that I worked for for 11 years, fired me.  Yeah, they did me dirty.

Ok, now I can move on.  But then..., my computer broke.  Seriously, I can't do anything without my laptop.  Here I am finally blogging again.  AND, I'm blogging on my brand new MacBook Air.  Yeah, I thought I was going to get a Pro, but I decided to go with the Air.  It cost less and it has everything I need.  I LOVE IT.  It is light as a feather.  Seriously.  I can take this thing EVERYWHERE.  I'm going to have to get some kind of sleeve or protector for it.  Since I CAN take it everywhere, I DO take it everywhere.  I've banged it against the car door more than once.  I don't want to break it.

I still haven't taken all my files off my old MacBook yet.  That bad boy is still sitting in the front hall.  Maybe I'll finally get to that little chore today.

Then, sadly, two of my former co-workers (ones that I truly liked, but cannot call friends because, well, are we ever REALLY friends with co-workers?  after all, we only know each other because we work together and when we don't work together anymore we don't really have time or opportunity to see each other.) have had tragedies occur in their lives.  One of them had a mini stroke (she's only 35 years old!) and the other lost her 22 year old son (she discovered he had passed away when she got home from work).  These two events stopped me dead in my tracks.  All I could do, that felt productive, was to pray (and, unfortunately, worry).  These things give me opportunity to reevaluate the way I look at the difficulties I have in my life. 

I have the opportunity to get a little perspective.

I'm out of work..., but I can look for a job and maybe even find one.
My son is out of work..., but he is still capable of working and he's looking for a job.  (at least that is what he tells me.)
My husband doesn't have job..., but he is on the last chapter of his dissertation and, fingers crossed, will finish in November.
My mother is losing her mind..., but she is 80 years old, still has her physical health, and her condition is not as difficult at this time as it will become.
My father is has become very bitter..., and become the best example of what I NEVER want to become.
My favorite millennial blogger has become a mommy blogger instead of being the voice of her generation (of the entitled)..., but I can find a more uplifting blog to read. 

I'm still searching for a routine.  I long for a schedule in my life.  I need to find some discipline and get myself together.  I know I can do it.

And I will.  But not until after my back feels better.  (I fell down the stairs the other day.)

501.  New laptop
502.  Heating pad
503.  My health
504.  My son's health
505.  My husband's health
506.  My father's health
507.  My mother's health
508.  Time in prayer
509.  Time in God's word
510.  Hope

Day 2 of life as I now know it

Don't be afraid.  I won't be chronicling my life day-by-day from this time forward.  I am quite sure I will settle into a boring existence that will be of little interest to anyone but myself.  But for now, I need to take a moment to examine my feelings (haha, I don't believe that will take very long), my plans and hopes for this new way of living day-to-day.

Yesterday was a day of decompression.  I spent the day recovering from being unceremoniously dismissed and treated as dangerous person (story still to come).  Tequila was involved.  My husband assured me that, even though my dismissal was done with a heavy hand, these people did me a favor.  I was done with them and the thought of being lured back with money was repulsive, even to me.  So, that was yesterday.

Today I awoke, without the assistance of an alarm clock, at 8:30 a.m.  LOVE IT!  I hadn't slept well the past two nights, so I was very tired.  At about 10:30 last night a GIANT thunderstorm blew through.  There was lightening and thunder and rain... you know, a thunderstorm.  This did not help me fall asleep.  However, the little oblong ambien pill did just fine.  Twenty minutes later I was dead to the world.  Sadly, I snored during the early portion of my slumber thus keeping the husband awake.  (I'm sorry)  So, this was his excuse for sleeping until 10:00 a.m.  Since I don't really know what he typically does all day (being I was typically at work and I just have to take his word for it) I'll take responsibility for the late awakening and subsequent late start to his day.  (yeah, sure... fool me once)

I was pretty happy with myself.  I got up and took a shower and brushed my teeth (it doesn't seem necessary to spell all of this out, but yesterday wasn't a great day for me and today is starting off much better).  I got dressed and started reading blogs and updated my fb status.  Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good.  I typically play with my laptop while I sit on my bed.  Since my husband was still sleeping and he has taken over the bedroom we have set up as an "office" room, I decided to move my laptop to the kitchen table.  After all, if I'm going to blog, sell on Craig's list and eBay and fb, I'm going to need a place to work.

I completely get that this house has been his domain for the last year and a half.  I am the intruder.  So far, he's allowed me to move about the house fairly freely.  I have been warned that I am not allowed to laugh too loudly.  He does not want to be alerted that I think something is funny that he doesn't know about and then has to run down from his office area to see what is so funny.  I will do my best to comply with this request.  (he cracks me up.  no worries, I covered my mouth so my chuckle sound waves would not escape)

This morning, after carrying my laptop down to the kitchen table and setting up my little work space, I went to the coffee machine and pressed the button to initiate the warm-up process.  I returned to my laptop to await the warming of the coffee machine.  No worries.  I know how to make coffee.  While I was typing away on this blog post my husband came down from the bedroom. He was dressed and ready to begin his day.  He let the dog out.  Evidently his morning routine is to come down from the bedroom, let the dog out, warm up the coffee machine, put food in the dog's bowl, let the dog back in, make coffee.  I didn't know anything about this routine.

Everything was going well with his morning routine until he pressed the button to warm the coffee machine.  This button is the same button that needs to be pressed... again... to begin the coffee making process.  The machine sprung to life.  My husband jumped back and said something I won't type here.  Fortunately, no coffee had been inserted, so there was no waste or water spraying on him.  He disagrees, but I claim that he raised his voice to me and recommended that I not screw with his routine.  We are going to be together 24 hours a day and we aren't on vacation.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to screw with his routine.

After a bit of discussion we decided the routine was going to have to be screwed with.  Yes, there will definitely have to be some screwing inserted into the routine.  Literally.  (after all, it's good for his health. :))

451.  A good night's sleep
452.  Acceptance of my situation
453.  A delicious latte in the morning
454.  The kernel of a plan for my new way of life forming in my mind
455.  Time spent in prayer before I started my day (I would like to make this a daily habit)
456.  Grateful that I sleep in a house and not outside during stormy weather
457.  The ability to disagree without be disagreeable
458.  My husband's wisdom of all things employment related
459.  Old co-worker checking up on me
460.  Sister-in-law reading my blog and assuring me that it wasn't just me that gets treated poorly

It was worth waiting 20 years for an answer to my prayer

1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, "pray without ceasing"

This is easier said than done.

I have a story of a 20-year old prayer that I have seen answered by God in the most amazing way.  I'm going to start by telling you that I've always believed that God answers prayer.  I've been taught that God answers all prayers.  I've been taught his answers can be "yes," "no," or "wait."  I'm going to tell you that when God answers a prayer with "wait" it can be a long wait.

I've shared the joy I've experienced watching my son take the huge step of living independently.  This, my friends, is the answer to a 20-year old prayer that I had no idea would be answered in the way it was.

I'm on vacation this week.  I'm in Daytona Beach, FL.  My husband and I drove down here to enjoy the sun, surf, and sand.  One of the pleasures of that 14 hour drive is the opportunity to talk with each other.  Sure, I do most of the talking.  Yet, I'm smart enough to know that if I allow my husband to take a turn at leading the conversation, I can learn a lot about him.  So, I let him talk.

And I listened.

My husband and I were chatting about the work that needs to be done on my son's house, the cost involved, and whether or not I'll be able to quit working in June.  This is important stuff in our lives.  It's also busy work.  It's the kind of work that can keep us so busy that we don't check into the deeper feelings we have about life.  And then he said this..., "you know honey, this whole thing with our son's house and my retirement and where we are in our lives right now is all divine intervention.  You know I couldn't have planned this all out.  Things just fell into place.  It has to be God directing this, because it turned out so perfectly."

Me, (silence with mouth agape).  When I was finally able to speak all I could say was, "yeah."

For 20 years I've been praying for my son.  When he was 3 years old I was told he had learning disabilities.  At this time they couldn't give his disability a name.  They called it everything from ADD to ADHD to aspergers to pervasive delay disorder to executive function disorder to depression to dyslexia.  I medicated him.  I gave him therapy.  I hired tutors.  I brought him to psychiatrists, to psychologists, to doctors, to therapists and specialists.  I wanted to fix my son.  And all the while I prayed to God to heal my son.

Elementary school was a nightmare.  My beautiful son couldn't read.  The school couldn't teach him.  We held him back in first grade.  At the end of second grade he still couldn't read.  I took him out of school and taught him to read at home.  And I prayed, "God heal my son."

We sent him back to school in sixth grade.  The school told me they would have to hold him back.  I fought back.  I made them put him in seventh grade.  I told them if he didn't move forward he would be 16 before he entered high school and the chances of getting him to go to high school at all would be slim.  They would be creating a high school drop out and I wasn't having it.  The school agreed and allowed him into the seventh grade.

Middle school was a challenge, but we lived.

High school was the nightmare that made elementary school look like a walk in the park.  And I continued praying, "God heal my son."

My son was not being healed.  In fact, all of the experts told me my son could not be healed from his disability.  It just was who he is.  We were told he would most likely live with us for his whole life.  We needed to accept this.  I continued to pray, "God heal my son."  I was losing hope.

He was in a youth group at a church, and they just didn't know what to do with him.  It broke my heart.  I didn't expect the people in a public high school to accept my son.  I knew life would be tough for him there, but I thought he would be safe in a church youth group.  I was wrong.  They just aren't equipped for special needs kids in churches.  But it broke my heart.  And I continued to pray, "God heal my son."

I'm going to have to tell you, I was getting angry with God.  Seriously, it was going on 15 years of praying this prayer.  My son was not getting better.  I was pretty sure my son was going to be living with us for the rest of his life.  We tried to have him take college classes at the community college.  This was a dismal failure.  He didn't go to class.  He didn't even take the books out of the shrink-wrap.  He just lived in the basement and lied to us about attending classes.  Not only did I think God was ignoring my prayer, but I thought he may have been making things in my son's life worse.

And I continued to pray, "God heal my son."

At this same time my husband was becoming increasingly unhappy at his job.  His company was not appreciating the work he was doing.  It was odd, because his work was bringing money into the company at a time when finding clients was becoming a tougher and tougher thing to do, but there you have it.  They didn't think the work he was bringing in was of the caliber they believed the company wanted to have done.  After a year of defending himself and his work, everything came to a climax with an Obama Chia Pet.  (God works in mysterious ways)  One day my husband went to a luncheon with a bunch of people from his office and a woman who had left the company.  It was a fine day in January.  They woman had received an Obama Chia Pet as a "white elephant" gift at a Christmas party.  She thought my husband would enjoy it.  After the lunch he carried it into his office and the janitor, a black man, saw him carrying it into his office.  The janitor was offended.  He wasn't a little offended.  He was SUPER offended.  In fact, he was unable to continue working that day because he was so offended.

Now, not only is my husband not doing the type of work his bosses believe the company should be doing, but he has offended the janitor by carrying an Obama Chia Pet into his office.  So what happens?  My husband's boss calls him into his office and asks him what he thinks they should do in response to the janitor in the office being SUPER offended.  One suggestion from the assistant office manager was for Sensitivity Training in the office.  My husband was incensed.  My husband is not a racist.  This Obama Chia Pet was an item sold in any Walmart in any city in this nation.  My husband did not create this object.  All he did was carry it into his office.  My husband didn't mince words.  He told his boss, in no uncertain words and with some pretty course language, that Sensitivity Training was not needed in the office.  In fact, if they needed to blame someone to save their butts, they could say they fired him because he was retiring.  They could have 2, 3 or 4 weeks notice, whatever they needed, but he was done.

I continued to pray, "God heal my son."  But, I quit going to church.  I continued to have hard feelings against God.  I was losing hope.  This, in no way, looked like I was being blessed or even looked after by God.  I was feeling abandoned by God.

In the year that followed we had to evict the crappy tenants we had living in our rental house.  I've written about that mess, here.  It wasn't easy to get them out, but we did.  Then we had to clean up the mess.  These tenants trashed the house.  They broke everything.  They lived in our house the way pigs live in a sty.  (there was no way anyone could see this as a way that God was answering my prayer)

It was a this time my husband believed the best thing we could do was to fix the house and offer to sell it to our son.  (who would think the answer to my prayer would come through my husband)

Together my husband and my son worked to fix the house.  Of course, my husband worked harder on the house than my son did, but he still did quite a bit of work.  They washed walls and ceilings.  They ripped out carpeting.  They painted and scraped and cleaned and replaced appliances and repaired plumbing and worked and worked and worked.  As my son worked on the house he began to get more and more on board with the idea of purchasing the house and living in it.  When we first approached him with the idea of living in the house and having roommates to assist him in paying the mortgage and utility bills,... He... Was... Terrified.  After putting sweat equity into the house, he was feeling much better about the whole thing.  In fact, he was seriously getting on board with the idea and even getting excited about it.

My son bought the house from us last December.  He moved into the house in February.  His first roommate moved in the house in March.  He now has three roommates and he is loving life.  He is feeling confident.  He is taking a college class at the community college.

My son is still dyslexic.  My son is still on the autism spectrum.  My son is living independently.  God heard my prayer.  God answered my prayer.  God may not have answered my prayer the way I thought it should be answered, but he answered it the way it needed to be answered.  If I can say anything about what I learned while waiting on God it is this... don't give up on God.  God is faithful.  God answers prayer.  And, God's time is not my time.

But, God is good.  All the time.

290.  The beach
291.  The ocean
292.  Feeling very small and insignificant when looking over the vastness of the ocean and yet knowing how special I am to the creator of that same ocean
293.  Seeing old friends
294.  Time alone and away from the typical stresses of life and reconnecting with my husband
295.  Resting
296.  Reading
297.  Taking the time to relive this story of answered prayer in my own mind
298.  Sleeping late
299.  Going on a sea cruise

Controling my thoughts

Last week I wrote about one of my difficult truths about myself.  I wrote about a struggle I have to love myself, here.  It was tough to write it out.  Thank you to those who commented in commiseration, and I feel for you because I know how much it hurts, and to those who commented in encouragement by reminding me and reinforcing my knowledge of God and my relationship with him.

I learned a lot about myself and where I fall on the "normal" scale by publishing that post.  I was happy to receive feedback and I can accept it and learn from it.  I wonder, however, if there were readers that didn't comment, but understood my feelings.  Of course, I'll never know for sure.

I've been giving a lot of thought to my thought process lately.  First of all, it's a shame that I don't think about myself more highly than I do.  Yet, nobody out there is going to be able to accuse me of being conceited or big-headed about myself.  Secondly, I don't believe we can sin in our thought life.  I believe we have to act on our thoughts in order to actually sin.  I have never acted out against my body or myself in regard to my loathsome thoughts about myself.  And, even though I may think that I hate myself at least once a day, I am still fully functioning in my life.  I'm going to work.  I'm taking care of my family.  I'm interaction with society.  I am a person that needs to check myself now and again to be sure I'm not sinking into a depressed state of mind.  After all, I'm on Tamoxifen and Tamoxifen has been known to cause depression in some people.  Finally, I know that our thoughts can lead to actions and those actions could be sinful actions.

Proverbs 4:23, "Above all, be careful what you think because your thoughts control your life."

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Even the eastern philosophers knew that our life is controlled by our thoughts.  If you correct your mind the rest of your life will fall into place.  Lao Tzu

It's hard to do this.  Yet, because I've been reborn and have the Holy Spirit in me, I know it is possible.  There are tangible things I can do to change my thought process.  I searched the internet and found some ideas, both by secular psychologists and by theological teachers.  I wrote a few suggestions down and I plan to use this list to work through my mind altering process.

• Don't dwell on the past.  Everyday is a new opportunity to make great things happen.  Dwelling on past actions, after asking for forgiveness and making amends, keeps a person from living in the present.


• Don't think negatively anymore. This seems almost impossible to me.  Yet, it's what I want to do.  I want to think positively.  If I begin to think a negative or loathsome thought of myself or someone else, I can remind myself to think of a positive.


• Put my focus on the future.  Put my focus on what I want to do.  Believe that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).  I need to keep reminding myself of what can be accomplished and stop focusing on failures.


• Meditate on the positive.  Pray prayers of thanksgiving for all the blessings I have.  Meditate on the promises of God.  Do as Paul said in Philippians 4:8 and think about the pure, the lovely, and the commendable things of this world.


• Give up the word failure from my vocabulary.  There is success and learning opportunities.  There is no failure.


• Keep trying.  Don't give up on this process of changing my thought pattern.  I can correct my mind.


• Think big.  Give myself over to God's use.  Don't minimize what I think God can do with me just because I'm not thinking big enough. 


• Pay attention to my thought process.  Notice the frequency of adjusting my negative thoughts to positive thoughts.  Note the frequency of thinking or meditating on positive future events versus remembering negative past events.  Take time after meditation and prayer to notice the effort it took to pray prayers of thanksgiving over prayers of confession and humiliation.  Pay attention to my thoughts.  They are what control my life.

*An added note to this post shows what a slow learner I am.  I found this post I wrote back in January '12.  It's basically this same post all over again.  When, oh when will I get it?

220.  Knowing when my will and God's will are in line, there is nothing I cannot accomplish
221.  A beautiful weekend in Old Town Alexandria and wonderful conversations with old friends
222.  Watching my son continue to grow into a competent and confident man
223.  Having a plan to change my life
224.  Serving a God of second chances (and third and forth...)
225.  Looking forward to my small group bible study and friends that love me for who I am

Praying properly

I don't think I pray the right way.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't pray properly.

Prayer is a tough thing for me.  If I think about it long enough, I'd have to say I've never been very good at prayer.

If I pray at all, it usually happens when I close my eyes to fall asleep.  This is when all my biggest fears rise to the forefront of my consciousness.  Then I go into begging mode.  God, please do this...  God, please do that...  God, please don't let this happen.  God, help me not to be afraid.  I'm not sure this is the way we are supposed to pray.

I know Jesus gave us a model for prayer when he taught the disciples the Lord's Prayer in Matthew 6:9-13.  I try to pray the model.  I try to pray by recognizing who God is and all the power he has and that he is my creator.  I try to pray by remembering that God is listening to me and just by the very act of prayer, I am honoring him.  I try to remember to confess my sins.  I know having unconfessed sin in my life can block my access to the almighty, but I don't always remember to do this.  In fact, I almost never remember to do this.  As far as asking for my daily bread, well... I usually ask for a whole lot more.  I know asking for and receiving my daily bread, should be enough for me.  I shouldn't be greedy and ask for more than I need each day, but I do.  I'm worried about my future, sometimes.  I'm worried about my son's future, almost all the time.  So I pray for more than my daily bread.  I pray for security.  I think this is probably not what I should be praying for.  I want security on this Earth.  I know this is not what we are supposed to desire, but my flesh wants a house and food and clothing (btw, I'd like wifi, health care, and an occasional vacay, too).  And I want it for the rest of my life.  I pray to be a good person.  I don't want to sin against God, but I do.  And, when I pray not to sin, I'm already thinking, "you know, I'm gonna sin.  I just know it."  I pray for God to heal people.  And then I sometimes couch it with, "guide the surgeon's hands." 

This is the struggle.  I want to pray the way Jesus wants me to pray, but I want to pray for the things I want, too.  I want people I love to get better, not suffer, and all that good stuff.  I want people I don't like to, well...  I want them not to suffer either, but I'm not as emphatic.

As I consider my prayer efforts and whether or not I'm "doing it" right or not, I consider this; I'm praying.  I believe God is hearing my prayer.  I may not always believe he is answering my prayer, but I believe he hears it.  I believe he forgives me of my sins when I remember to confess them.  I believe he wants me to confess all my sins, but he knows how forgetful (and full of rationalizations) I am.  As I consider what prayer is, I consider this; prayer is my opportunity to honor God.  When I do it, I'm acting in faith.  When I don't, I'm acting on my own.

I've got to tell you, it's tough being a Calvinist.  There are so many "right ways" and "wrong ways."  One Sunday I listened to a sermon that essentially said, if you don't end a prayer "In Jesus name, Amen," God will not hear your prayer.  There must be something in the bible about praying in Jesus' name.  Should I kneel?  Should I raise my hands or fold them?  Should my eyes be closed or can I keep them open?  Between the actions of my body and the desires of my heart and the thoughts in my head, I find myself wondering how to pray. 

I know prayer isn't like making an incantation or a recipe for success.  I know if I don't do it right, God's will will still be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.  Maybe the adage, practice makes perfect, fits with prayer.  Maybe the more often I pray, the better I'll get at it.

Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.  Our cue was Believe.

130.  Accepting God's forgiveness and allowing myself to be forgiven
131.  Getting a good night of sleep
132.  Believing God is watching over my son, now that he lives on his own
133.  Feeling the Holy Spirit drawing me back to attendance in a church on Sunday mornings
134.  My health (I really need to stop taking this for granted and get a little exercise) 

What has happened to personal responsibility?

"We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions."  Ronald Reagan

Personal responsibility.  There's a concept from the past.

The tragedies of this month have again brought out the question, who is to blame?

Who is to blame for the bad things happening in this country?  Is it the parent's fault?  Is it the school's fault?  Is it the fault of the NRA and the legality of assault rifles?  Is it the fault of the makers of violent video games?  Is it the fault of the doctors and professionals in the field of mental illness?  Is it the fault of vaccines and the possibility of their relationship to autism?  Is it the fault of neighbors and friends not seeing the signs of trouble?  Is it the fault of the high divorce rate and the crumbling of marriage in the US?  Is it God's fault?  Is it the church's fault?

Taking personal responsibility has, for the most part, disappeared.

We want to blame the NRA for lobbying to keep guns available for legal purchase. 

We want to blame McDonalds for the rise in obesity in the US.  I don't know about you, but in order for me to eat McDonalds fries I have to go there and get them and then put them in my mouth and eat them.  Nobody has a gun to my head.

We want the government to take care of our birth control for us, so we don't have to worry about our sexual promiscuity.

We want government to take responsibility for the raising, education and feeding of our children.  

We want our health care paid by the government while we continue to overeat, under-exercise, smoke, drink and use recreational drugs.

We want to retire comfortably without saving money during our working years and preparing for the future.

We want to give the responsibility for all these things, and more, to an institution that has proven itself to be very bad at managing anything and especially bad at managing money.  Why oh why to we continue to look to the government to take care of us.  They have showed us who they are.  We need to stop begging for them to do a better job.  It can't be done.

Personal responsibility.  If you need to depend on someone to help you with a problem area in your life, look for a mentor.  You can find mentors in your life through older family members or friends, neighbors, spiritual leaders, community leaders, the networks of your friends and colleagues.  People like to be asked for help, but they don't want to do it for you.  Don't depend on these mentors to do your work for you.  Take personal responsibility for yourself.

We need to grow up in this country.  Life is hard, but we aren't in it alone.  God knew life would be hard, so he sent his son to reconcile us to him.  He gave us prayer, an opportunity to speak with him.  He gave us church, an opportunity to join with fellow believers for support and fellowship in this tough, tough life on Earth.  I pray for churches to be filled during this holiday season and for people to return to the roots of faith this country was built upon.  We don't need to look any further than the bathroom mirror to discover where change needs to begin.  Let's decide we want to do better for ourselves, not have more done for us. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

  
768.  Last day of work before my Christmas break
769.  Red velvet donuts from Dunkin Donuts
770.  New carpet day in the rental house renovation
771.  Enjoying the final couple weeks of my son living with me
772.  Reading books for pleasure
773.  Reading blogs for pleasure
774.  Watching movies in the morning
775.  Going to a 9:00 p.m. showing of Lincoln and knowing I don't have to get up for work in the morning
776.  Listening of off-key Christmas carol covers  :)
777.  Thinking about the peace of Christmastime and getting all my work done so I can enjoy it
778.  Organic lettuce and baby greens salads
779.  Vodka made from potatoes
780.  Advent services at church
781.  Thinking about hanging ornaments on the tree, but ok with knowing it may not happen
782.  Three hours of administrative leave on the last day of work in 2012

Prayer is what makes it a wonderful life

Sometimes prayers get answered in such unexpected ways.

My son is buying a house.  He is buying our house.  This is the house I wrote about a while back.  This house had been a rental property of ours.  The last tenants we had in this house were members of the 47% Mitt Romney spoke about.

"There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it -- that that's an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what. ... These are people who pay no income tax. ... [M]y job is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives."  (and btw, the fact checker at CBS says Romney was right on the money when it comes to the percentage of folks paying no income tax)

If you recall, I said of the four people living in the house; the baby, the grandmother, the father and the uncle, the baby was the breadwinner of the family.  And that's the way the 47% roll.

And, if you recall, I mentioned they lived like animals.  (I'll let you pick which animal, but you cannot choose homo sapien.)  Everything in the house was broken.  Cardboard was taped over broken windows.  The stove was non-functioning and the refrigerator was full of rotting fast food in bags and styrofoam containers.  I could go on and on, but it's Christmas and I don't want to kill any sugar-plum buzzes going on out there.

Ever since we got the very bad tenants evicted from our house my son and my husband have been cleaning and painting and ripping out horrible, very stinky carpeting and replacing windows and tiling bathrooms and fixing plumbing and repairing kitchen cabinetry and replacing light fixtures.  They have been working so hard.  My son is learning how to be a homeowner in one super-crash course of home repair.

My son is becoming a man.  I've prayed for my son ever since the day he was born.  Every mother prays for their children.  But I'm now beginning to see a glimmer of an answer to prayer I had given up on God answering.  Seeing my son move toward independent living and being a homeowner is something I didn't think I would get to see.  Motivation and being a self-starter has never been his strong suit.  For some reason, and I'm not exactly sure what it is, there seems to be a huge number of adults falling into a condition I call "extended adolescence."  My son is 25, so I don't see him on the older end of this condition, because I've seen it in adults even older than he, but he has this condition, nevertheless.

I've watched the way my husband and son interact.  I've watched their relationship grow.  I think I've seen my husband become the father he wished he had.  I've seen him display patience and love and respect to my son and really show him what being a man is all about.  I've developed a stronger appreciation of the gifts of kindness and gentleness and sweetness he possesses.  I'm appreciating what he is and not focusing so much on what he is not.  My husband and I are growing as parents.

Yet, God is good and God does answer prayers.  He uses his own good time and you have to keep your eyes open.  You aren't going to be seeing me sitting back and putting my feet up and relaxing in this answer to prayer.  I'm going to keep on praying for him and for his success in living this life here on earth.  I certainly don't know what the future holds for him, but I do know he is on his way and held safely in God's hands.

I think back to the movie, It's a Wonderful Life and the scene with George's friends and family praying for him.  We hear the prayers being lifted to heaven.  I feel the power of those prayers and I believe in the power of prayer for my son, as well.

The prayer scene at the beginning of the movie.

Mr. Emil Gower: I owe everything to George Bailey. Help him, dear Father.
Giuseppe Martini: Joseph, Jesus and Mary. Help my friend, Mr. Bailey.
Ma Bailey: Help my son, George, tonight.
Bert: He never thinks about himself, God, that's why he's in trouble.
Ernie Bishop: George is a good guy. Give him a break, God.
Mary: I love him, dear Lord. Watch over him tonight.
Janie Bailey: Please, God, something's the matter with Daddy.
Zuzu Bailey: Please bring Daddy back.    

I know there was a time when I doubted God listened to my prayers.  I wondered what the point of praying was if there were no answers forthcoming.  I believed my prayers for my son were noble and should be on the top of God's list.  I was impatient.  Now I see how God used my prayers to change me and my vision of my son.  God gives us the opportunity to pray so he can use those prayers to change us.  He's not a vending machine.  No prayer is more noble than the next, but all prayer changes us to be more of what God wants us to be.

726.  Christmas movies
727.  Courage to ask for a raise (you can pray about that for me if you like)
728.  Seeing answer to a long time prayer
729.  Seeing prayers answered quickly
730.  Getting Christmas cards from old friends
731.  Poinsettias
732.  Cars with reindeer antlers on them
733.  The blessing of not having to enter the house until all the work in it is complete.  My son wants me to have the Big Reveal

Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.

The housekeeper in my building

This is the day the housekeeper at the building you work in asks for a piece of paper and a pencil and you give it to her without even raising your eyes from your computer screen or saying good morning.

She's been working in the building longer than you have, and that's a long time.  She's 70 years old and you have to say everything twice to her, 'cause she can't hear very well.  She doesn't really clean very well, 'cause she's 70 years old and can't really see the dirt anymore.  She shuffles when she walks down the hallway, so you always know she's coming.  She steals the last cup of coffee out of your coffee maker and never makes a fresh pot.  She tells you too many things about her personal life and you find it's easier to act as if you're too busy to listen than to respond with any interest.  She's the housekeeper.  She's always around.  She's kinda like the furniture.  She's always there, but easy to ignore.

She's lower in the pecking order than you are.  So, sometimes, when the workday is particularly stressful, it's easier to get frustrated with her than to be kind.  Every Christmas the building takes up a collection to give her a "Christmas bonus" and you, reluctantly, toss in $5 bucks.  After all, you don't get paid much more than she does and nobody is giving you anything.

You listen to her complain about her granddaughter and how kids these days have no ambition.  You forget she's as old as your mom and her granddaughter is the same age as your son and you forget she's probably the only one in the household with a steady job.  You forget that your lifestyle doesn't depend on the money you make at this job.  You come in every day and you always know, in the back of your mind, that if they treat you poorly today, or they don't give you the respect you feel you deserve, or if your boss gives you a look you don't appreciate, you can leave.  You can take that college degree and eleven years of administrative assistant experience and walk out.  You aren't trapped in this job.  She's been here a long time.  You don't even know how long.  She's got nowhere else to go.  In fact, now that you think about it, you've heard her say she has a second job she goes to when she get's off work here.  She cleans another office building after she cleans this building.  She's 70 years old.  She's the same age as your mom.  She's on her feet all day.  You sit at a computer screen and type and sit in a chair.  When you get home, you're exhausted.  And the 70 year old housekeeper goes to a second job.

She never does her hair.  She gets herself a new wig about every six months.  She wears it like a hat.  Sometimes, when you are feeling a little "less than" about yourself, you laugh at it.  Sometimes she talks to you about cleaning the bathrooms here, and she's gives a little more detail than you'd like to know.  But, maybe, she just wanted to talk to somebody, but you don't want it to be you, so you say "I'm busy now" and she goes away.  She's WAY TOO dramatic when she tells you there is a mouse in the other office or that she saw a snake outside the building or there is a bee in the building.  But, maybe she just wants to talk to somebody.

So, today the housekeeper in the building you work in asks for a piece of paper and a pencil and you give it to her without even raising your eyes from your computer screen or saying good morning.  And then you see an ambulance and police cars pull into the parking lot in front of your building.  And you find out they have pulled a housekeeper out of the river.  At first you don't know who it is, but then you find out it is the housekeeper from your building.  It's awful.  You can't imagine how she came to be in the water.  Everyone is wondering what happened.  While everyone is talking and wondering and speculating, you remember that she asked you for a piece of paper and a pencil.  You hope it doesn't mean what you are afraid it means.

And then they tell you, she left a note.

686.  I just heard that she is breathing on her own
687.  Knowing that some of my readers will pray for her to get well and recover completely
688.  Knowing that God is in this deep dark place, too
689.  Comfort from co-workers 
690.  Being able to give comfort to co-workers

Color me happy

We are fine.  Sandy came and went and didn't pack as big a wind as her sister did last year.  Relief and happiness are our middle names.

To add more happiness to the relief we felt, the schools in the county were closed on Monday and Tuesday so I didn't have to go to work.  Bonus!

It was strange to be watching the storm on tv and then to look out the window and see something completely different.  There was some wind, but I think the strongest gusts were only 65 mph as opposed to the 95 mph winds we had with Irene.  It looks as if New Jersey and NYC bore the brunt of this storm.  She was certainly huge.  Thank you all for your prayers and concern.  I felt completely covered in prayer.  In fact, my husband was amazed to watch me sleep peacefully in my bed (on our top floor) Sunday night, while he paced and watched the effect of the wind on the trees on our property.  I just felt safe.  And that was a peaceful feeling.

Today is business as usual.  I saw a few trees down on my drive into work this morning, but not many.  Almost everyone in the county has power.  Our power only flickered twice.  Amazing.  There were electric company bucket trucks everywhere you turned on Sunday night.  Those guys were awesome.

As I mentioned, I'm back at work and because of the two days off, the work is piled high and wide.  I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and let you know we are well.  God is good.

643.  Electricity.  I really, really like electricity
644.  People who evacuate the area when the authorities ask you to evacuate the area
645.  Friends checking on each other
646.  Knowing we would be ok, no matter what happened.  Everything was in God's hands
647.  Seeing the sun shining today

weren't the photoshopped Statue of Liberty pics hilarious?

I'm losing my compassion

I'm afraid I'm losing my compassion for people.  People in general, not people individually.  I've still maintained a fair amount of compassion for my friends and family, although in some cases even this is becoming difficult.

I'm afraid my heart is becoming hardened to people out there because of the attitude presented by the "so called" poor.  The date for my tenants to move out came and went.  My husband's blood pressure is dropping a bit, and that's a good thing.  The eviction is in the court system and it will happen at the snail's pace our court system functions at.  I just have to share this one thing.  They told us it is not their fault they haven't moved out.  It's not their fault.  They don't have a truck.  Nope, they don't have a truck so they can't move out.  Yep, not their fault. 

Evidently the only people able to move in this country are people that have trucks.  (my tenants, evidently, have never heard of UHAUL)  These people kill me.  (we are still talking about a family consisting of a grandmother, her two sons, ages 25 and 27, and a granddaughter.  what is up with these people?)

My compassion began waning while I was in the scary bible study with the church ladies.  There was the one "poor me" church lady that constantly had her hand out.  Her hand was out for money, for gas, for ANYTHING you could give her, but mostly, for money.  I tried to have compassion, but her attitude exuded, you should give me whatever I ask for because you have more than I have and I want what you have and I don't think I have to work or save or anything, you should just give it to me.  It was so frustrating to try to walk alongside her in her lean years.  She still wanted to go out to restaurants instead of cooking at home.  She wanted to stay home with her children and not work.  She wanted everything she wanted right now and didn't want to wait to earn or save for it.  When I loaned her items she asked for, she didn't return them.  She had to be asked over and over to give them back.  Her childish attitude did not match her adult body and adult responsibilities.

So, my level of compassion for "the poor" is waning.  I need help.

I'm seeking help and the best place I know to look is God's word.  I know God has a lot of compassion for people.  He had a super amount of compassion for the Israelites.  They moaned and groaned and even made a golden calf while they were in the desert and God was leading them (albeit in a 40 year trek) to the promised land.  I'm seeking help.

After searching God's word, I am, mostly, convicted.

Romans 12:15  Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
I can do this.  I struggle with how to weep for those who want what I have because they think it's not fair that I have more than they have.

Proverbs 19:17  He who is gracious to a poor man lends to the LORD, And He will repay him for his good deed.
Wow, this is a good one.  This one makes me remember I need to wait on the Lord and not take matters into my own hands.  This one is also one that makes me want to find another word for poor in this country.  I am happy to give to the poor.  I'm not quite as gracious to the entitled. 

1 Corinthians 12:25-26  that there should be no division in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.
This one makes me think of the church lady.  I think this was the one she used to rationalize asking every member of the church for money.  I think this was the one used to rationalize asking the church to give them a low interest loan.  I want to care for members of the body.  It just makes it hard to give when you watch some take advantage.

1 Peter 3:8  To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit;
This on is very convicting.  I'm taping it to my computer monitor right now.

Psalms 35:13-14  But as for me, when they were sick, my clothing was sackcloth; I humbled my soul with fasting; And my prayer kept returning to my bosom. I went about as though it were my friend or brother; I bowed down mourning, as one who sorrows for a mother. But whoever has the world's goods, and beholds his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? 
This is love.  How can anyone behold a brother in need and close his heart and say they have the love of God in him.  These verses are beginning to break my heart.

Luke 10:33  But a certain Samaritan, who was on a journey, came upon him; and when he saw him, he felt compassion,
And this is how I am to respond.

Job 30:25  Have I not wept for the one whose life is hard? Was not my soul grieved for the needy?
The needy will grieve my soul.  When I think of the hunger of my fellow man, the food in my mouth will taste bitter.

Psalm 51:1  Be gracious to me, O God, according to Thy loving kindness; According to the greatness of Thy compassion blot out my transgressions.
I will treat others as I wish to be treated, with kindness and compassion.

Psalm 111:4  He has made His wonders to be remembered; The LORD is gracious and compassionate.
God is gracious and compassionate.  I want to be a reflection of him.

Thanks for taking this walk through God's word and seeking his thoughts on compassion with me.  I know he is faithful and will continue to break my heart for his people.  I know those people that have taken advantage of the system and have a lazy disposition and a hand out and don't want to work will be punished.  My attitude can still be compassionate and that compassion doesn't mean I have to give to the entitled.  I need to keep an open heart to the needy and give obediently and pray that God sends my money and my efforts to the ones that truly needs help.

I'm linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday

610.  God's word available to me at any time
611.  Another opportunity to learn to trust God more deeply
612.  Learning more about prayer by praying for my tenants
613.  Learning more about prayer by praying for the church lady

How I deal with my Islamophobia

Yep, I have Islamophobia.  I admit it.  I'm not even ashamed of it, for that matter.  But, I know, I cannot and will not be controlled by it.

The biggest symptom of this, for me, flares up when I fly.  There is a tiny part in the pit of my stomach that tenses up when I see a person I perceive to be a Muslim on the plane with me.  I don't get off the plane.  I don't alert everyone that I think there will be a problem on the plane.  In fact, after the plane takes off and I get involved in my book, I don't even think about it again.  But I remember what happened on September 11, 2001.  I remember the faces of the terrorists that attacked our nation.  I remember.

And then I remember what Paul says in Romans 12:18-21.  He says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

The image of heaping burning coals on a person's head sounds like it means to cause a person pain, but it really is not. It is meant to give the image of stirring up the coals of a fire to bring it back to life after the fire begins to die down. This is to be an image to cause a person a response of remorse, when they see your kindness in the face of their meanness. Paul is saying, in this passage, we cause our enemies to be remorseful for their actions toward us, or as we say these days, "kill them with kindness."

This is the rub.  "... but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."  Waiting.  Leaving vengeance to God.  Trusting God will do what he says he is going to do.  Trusting God will do what he says he is going to do without being around to see it.  Waiting...  Trusting...  Believing...

Then letting it go and overcoming evil with good.

On a person to person level I can absolutely do this.  I can be helpful to a Muslim mother struggling with groceries and children.  I can hold a door open or do whatever kindnesses would be needed on a person to person basis.

As a group, I'm frightened of Muslims.  I know there is a faction that hates me just because I'm an American.  I know this faction preys upon the poor and uneducated in their nations and trains them in hate from early childhood.  I know that this type of hate is not born into them, but fed and nurtured and brought to full hate-filled bloom.

As certain as I am of the hate there is for me, because I'm an American, I am equally certain the images in the Atlantic Wire are true.  As certain as I am that there are Muslims doing nothing more each day than plotting and planning to harm and kill me, because I'm an American, I'm equally certain the images of the Muslims portrayed in Gawker about #Muslim Rage are true.

I can only begin to wait and trust and believe from where I am right now.  I struggled with the verses the study had us use to go through this lesson on Islamophobia.  (You can check out these verses yourself, if you so desire:  Genesis 34:1-31, Leviticus 19:1-3, 9-18, 32-37, Jonah 1:1-17, John 10:11-16, IChorinthians 10:23-11:1, and ITimothy 6:1-5)

I chose to stick with a tried and true verse I know by heart, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."  (John 3:16)

I will continue in my struggle to love others as Jesus loved.  I will continue to pray for peace.  I'm left where I started.  As a Christian I need to love; forgive as I have been forgiven; and be a reflection of Christ.  As an American, I cannot tolerate an attack on my country without repercussion.  I cannot allow attacks on our allies and threats of attacks without defending them.  So what do I do?  How do I act?  What am I to feel?  It seems if I'm to be a "good" Christian I need to act passive.  To me, this seems weak.  I hate to appear weak.  But I remember the child's song that reminds me, "when I am weak, He is strong."  I'm not a child anymore, but maybe I need to be like one, in this case.

Again, I will trust that there is true evil in the world and trust what Paul says in IITimothy 3:1-9.  "But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men."

And I'll pray, Jesus, do not tarry.

Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday

589.  Allowing God to chip off my sharp edges
590.  Reading the bible with Christians much further along in their walk than I am
591.  Learning to wait, by reading about Noah
592.  Learning to trust, by reading about Joseph
593.  Learning to believe, by reading about Jonah
594.  Learning to pray, by reading about Jesus 
595.  Being able to let myself be weak and allow him to be strong  

I'm back and what the heck is going on in the world?

I'm back.  I didn't know what in the world to blog about today.  I was going to share some amazing pics of Lake Tahoe and my vacation, but then I started getting news alerts on my computer.

• The University of Texas in Austin is evacuated because of a bomb threat at 8:35 a.m.  A man claiming to be al-Qaida says he has placed bombs all over the 50,000 student campus.  He says the bombs will explode in 90 minutes.
• North Dakota State University in Fargo receives information that there is a bomb on campus.  The dean orders evacuation of the 20,000 students from the main campus and downtown campus.
• Neither university has located any bombs or had any explosions, yet this day of classes was lost to terrorist's threats.
• Mobs attack the U.S. embassy in Tunisia.  Windows are broken.  Fires are started.  Anti-American violence swarms through the city.
• Protesters attack the German embassy in Sudan.  Fires.  Violence.
• Tripoli, Lebanon experiences mob violence when a KFC and Arby's are burned down in protest to the visit from Pope Benedict.
• The U.S. embassy in Yemen is stormed in reaction to a film considered blasphemous to Islam.
• This attack in Yemen follows similar outbreaks of violence that have occurred in Cairo, Egypt and Libya.
• All this while we watch and wait to see how Israel is going to respond to Iran's nuclear threat.

And I wanted to show you my vacation pictures.  I celebrated 100 years of Marine aviation with The Few, The Proud, The Marines.  I love Marines.  I mean, who doesn't?

I relaxed in South Lake Tahoe and breathed thin air and tried to catch my breath while walking two blocks at a 15% incline.  I am so out of shape.

I've missed reading all my blogger friends and discovering what is new in the blogosphere.  I'm going to try to catch up with everyone this weekend. 

For now, I'll pray for the students and faculty and staff in Texas and North Dakota.  I'll pray for a stopping of the violence in the Middle East and North Africa.  I'll pray for Israel and Iran to find a way to co-exist.  I'm happy to be back from vacation, but the world is going to heck in a handbasket, and right now, all I can do is pray.

Continuing my gratitude list:
551.  Sleeping in my own bed
552.  Drinking water from my own tap
553.  Driving my own car
554.  Sitting on my own couch
555.  Cooking my own food
556.  Blogging and reading blogs 

Be certain it is God speaking

A while back I wrote a post about discerning the voice of God.  I've struggled with "hearing" God speak to me.  I guess I have a problem with it because, for some reason, God's voice sounds an awful lot like my voice.  I mean, he has a Chicago accent and everything.  Sometimes, I swear, I believe God says to me, "Go ahead, you can eat that donut."  I wonder if the others who say they hear God telling them to do something hear God speaking with a Chicago accent?  I mean, God has been accused of telling people to do some crazy stuff.  I've heard of people who do horrible things under the guise of saying God was telling them to do something.  They've killed their children or raped somebody or shed someone's blood or tried to sell their house as a short sale so they could live in a bus.  I'm pretty skeptical that God was telling them to do these things.

I've watched people who are absolutely certain it is God telling them to do some crazy things (not crazy like hurting or killing someone, but pretty darn irresponsible) and watched door after door slamming in their face, but they are still certain it is God's will (not their will) to quit their jobs or move or go into debt or whatever.  I guess they really believe God wants them to put themselves into bankruptcy or jail or whatever.  Really?

I found this Story Of The Remote Employee by Sandy Gregory on the blogs while looking around for information on hearing the voice of God.  (I just finished studying Mark 1:11 And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”and Matthew 17:5 While he was still speaking, a bright cloud enveloped them, and a voice from the cloud said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!" So I know sometimes God does speak so EVERYONE around can hear him.  I wish that happened around me.  A little confirmation would be great.)  This story is so good as an analogy for discerning whether or not it is God speaking or somebody else.

Imagine you are hired to open up an office in Anchorage, Alaska. Your new boss gives you a high-tech looking two-way radio, a policy and procedure manual, and tells you that you will receive instructions once you arrive, and off you go. Upon arrival you hear your boss's voice over the radio, saying, "I will communicate to you through this radio unit. But take note: our competitors, our enemies, also have access to this channel. They will try to impersonate my voice with false messages to thwart our purposes." "Oh no!" you panic, "Then how will I know if it is you or the enemy giving me instructions?"

Your boss's voice comes back over the radio: "Three ways. First, considering the situation, check every message supposedly from me against the policy and procedure manual. Since I wrote it, I'm not likely to ask you to violate it, right? Also, if I am not talking, don't focus in on the noise, pretending that I am. If I am not speaking, let the manual be your guide. Don't let any impersonating voice mislead you, or your own overactive imagination."

"Second, since the Manual does not cover every situation, you will have to get to know my voice. I know, this will take time, and so I am not likely to ask you to do anything radical until we both have some low-risk successes under our belts. Remember, I understand the situation perfectly well, so I'll go slow at first. A time will come when I will be able to tell you to do the wildest things, and you will know it is me. In the short-term, you must be trained through low-risk experience."

"Third, over time, my overall purpose for your work will begin to come into focus. You will begin to see the grand strategy in the policy and procedure manual, and the overall pattern of my true instructions. When this happens, you'll know instantly if what you hear through your unit is 'of me', just your imagination, or enemy misinformation. False instructions will begin to appear silly to you then. So take heart, and get to work."

After reflecting on this a few moments, you hear your boss's voice again on the radio unit. "Take all of the money from petty cash and give it the next person that walks in, no questions asked." Hmmm... You look in the policy and procedure manual, and this is specifically forbidden. Besides, you know your boss wouldn't tell you to do something that risky right off. And also there was an certain "twang" to the voice, an appeal to something different within you, and a plan that was not in the long-term interests of the company. So, even though you are on a hostile channel, you are beginning to have hope that you can indeed do this job.

There is the rub.  This world is a hostile channel.  You don't even have to believe there is spiritual warfare all around us.  You don't have to believe there are fallen angels seeking to tempt us and turn us from the narrow path.  You can have confidence that this weak body we inhabit wants what it wants when it wants it.  I think that may be why God sounds so much like me.  Do you think it's my will I'm listening to?  Ya think?

To get a handle on whether or not it is the voice of God you need to check the manual, often, and learn the policies.  (It's THY will be done, not MY will be done.)  Learn the sound of God's voice.  (I'm thinking this is going to take time.  Maybe this is why he waited until Abram was 75 before he told him to leave Ur.)  Finally, we need to fully grasp God's overall purpose for our lives.  Wherever you are, God has put you there. God has a purpose in your being there.

Be careful when you tell yourself you are following the will of God because God is talking to you.  There is a good chance you may be following someone else, or as Flip Wilson used to say on Laugh-In, "The devil made me do it."  (ask your parents)

499.  I can quit my job any time I want to (and today I'm coming awfully close)
500.  My computer still works (I spilled my soup on my keyboard)
501.  My mom is still fun to talk to (she didn't remember my wedding day, but that's ok, she still remembers her own wedding day)
502.  Capturing summer goodness in freezer bags and canning jars

Flip Wilson

My normal is not... normal

I'm back from a week-long vacation with my family.  I use the term, vacation, loosely.  Seriously, are there actually people out there in the world that consider a visit with their families a vacation?  Anyway, I was with my family.  I was with my mom and dad, my three brothers and their respective wives, and all the grandchildren, plus one plus one great-grandson and one girlfriend.  The only person missing, from what we could call a family reunion, but we won't, because I was told in no uncertain terms that it wasn't, was my son.  (he says he feels bad about missing this, but I assured him he had a very good end of this stick)  I'm back and I'm back to work and I'm back to blogging and I'm hoping upon hope, I'm back to normal.

My plan was to live as if I was from a planet of goodness and light and to treat everyone as if they were from my planet.  This was a good plan, and for the most part, it worked.  You know what they say about trash talking and gossipping, you improve the situation 100% by saying nothing at all.  Saying something nice or giving a compliment is a bonus.  Let's just say, for the most part, there was 100% improvement in the way my family dealt with each other this week.  It had more than it's share of pregnant pauses, but this was much improvement over criticism and sarcasm.

I wasn't able to completely live as if I was from the planet of goodness and light.  I don't know how to do this.  What I did do was make Romans 12:3 the wallpaper of my iPhone.  "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."  Even when my brother teased me about smoking and lying about it to my mom and dad when I was in h.s.  (seriously, I quit 21 years ago)  Even when my brother teased me about playing with my phone.  (didn't he know I was reading the verse over and over again?)  Even when I feel like a fatso next to my slim sisters-in-law.  Even when I second guess myself over every move I make or comment I speak.  No mater what I did I never thought of myself more highly than I ought.  I tried, oh so hard, to think that no one was thinking of themselves more highly than they ought.

I saw people pitching in and helping make food and clean up after food was served.  I saw brothers bringing water toys for all to play with in the lake.  I saw sisters-in-law sharing clean-up help and offering help wherever needed.  I saw grandchildren playing games together and accepting each other and enjoying the games without fierce or demeaning competition.  It was a huge change for me to focus on the good and beautiful and not the flaws and ugly.  It felt good to do it.  It felt good, but it didn't feel normal.

There were so many times during this week that I reflected on the way it felt to look for the good and to overlook the mistakes.  I want this to be my normal.  I was proud of myself for letting the comment of my misspent youth roll off my back.  I forgave myself for dwelling on cake-balls that didn't turn out as pretty as was hoped.  (I got over it, but it took longer than it needed to take)  I want to be that "live and let live" kind of person.  My heart broke for my niece as her idol crush was criticized by her cousins and me.  Why do we do this?  I know my sisters-in-law saw how close she came to tears.  I wanted to tell her how proud I was of her to come back to the group when we promised to change the subject.  I saw her grapple with her feelings that night and then return the next morning with a smile on her face and embrace us without any bad feelings.

I could tell my niece and her mom of the awe I felt as I could see the change of heart my brother showed to his family and siblings.  Why couldn't I say it to him?  Instead, I only spoke to him about the moments he fell short.  I want a new normal that does the opposite.  I want to praise the progress and minimize that slips.  This is who I want to be.

I have a beautiful family.  As a family, we are abundantly blessed.  There was news of a new baby on the way.  There was positive cash flow in our corporation during tough economic times.  There was laughter and hugs and graduations and college plans and new jobs.  This is all good stuff.  This is a family that is richly blessed.  I want my normal to have the blessings be my focus.  I want my normal to let the critical comments go unheard.  We all grow at a different pace.  I want my normal to be the encourager of growth and the ignorer of missteps.  I had moments of feeling how this new normal would feel, and it feels good.  I want to give up competing with my brothers and compliment them.  I want to cover flaws with love.  My dad was very quiet this week.  I'm hoping he saw a glimpse of what the new normal can be for our family and decide it's the way he wants his normal to be, too.  I hope...

405.  Pleasant visit with family
406.  Safe travel for all of us
407.  My house didn't get hit by the giant limb (about the size of a small tree) that fell in the storm on Friday
408.  A break in the dreadfully hot weather
409.  Being welcomed home by my son
410.  I still have a job (they fired two long-time employees while I was gone, 25 and 37 years each.  this place is getting scary)

Everything looks easy

Everything looks easy when you watch someone who knows what they are doing, doing it.  Baseball looks easy when you watch the pros play.  But it's not easy to hit a ball or throw a strike.  It takes talent and practice and sacrifice of other things to do more practice.  Taking pictures looks easy when you go to a gallery and see pictures hanging on the wall.  But it's not easy to capture the most beautiful image.  It takes talent and patience and an eye for beauty.  A beautiful image comes from taking hundreds and hundreds of pictures and learning from your mistakes.  Baking a cake looks easy.  But it's not easy to bake.  It takes patience and practice and measuring and technique.  Everything looks easy until you give it a try.  Then you discover the work it takes to do a thing well.  Then you discover the talent people have who can perform or produce or bake or build.  Everything looks easy when you watch.  It's the doing that is hard.  It is the follow through that is hard.  It is the practice something takes to do well.  It is the discipline it takes to do well.  It is the education it takes to do well.  It is the investment of time, energy, and talent.  It is the sacrifice of leisure for study.  It is the sacrifice of sleep for practice.  It is the effort put forward that allows an activity to look effortless.

Living in a free nation seems easy.  Going to sleep at night without fear of bombs seems easy.  Walking to the store or getting on the bus to go to work without the dread of a bullet seems easy.  Anticipating an election and the possibility of a change of leadership without fear of a military presence to allow this to happen, seems easy.  But it's not.  We can thank the men and women of the Coast Guard, Air Force, Marines, Navy, and Army for the ease we feel in our nation.  Happy Memorial Day everyone.  I hope you had an opportunity to thank a service member and pray for the families of those members serving you today.

301.  The talented men and women serving our nation abroad
302.  The talented men and women serving our nation at home
303.  A day to honor those men and women that gave the ultimate sacrifice
304.  Freedom
305.  The police, fire, and emergency responders serving in our communities every day.

God's precious truth

Truth is precious.  I think of truth like a diamond.  Truth, like a diamond, is beautiful in itself.  A diamond is the hardest natural substance known to man.  It cannot be crushed.  Other stones can be crushed into sand and powder, but a diamond remains undamaged.  Truth can be assaulted with falsehoods and false doctrines and remain standing without contrived explanations.

Nothing can be added to a diamond to improve its quality.  A diamond is what it is, as is truth.  Nothing can be added to truth to improve it.  In fact, exaggeration of truth alters it from truth to a lie.  Nothing can be added to a diamond to improve it.  We can alter the diamond by cutting away bits of it to produce facets.  The diamond is not altered by this chipping away.  It remains a diamond.  But now we have a facet to catch the light and make the diamond shine.  We think we have improved the diamond.  We've made the diamond a shiny thing.  Now the diamond can be liked by more people and is more desirable to the eye.  We do this with truth, as well.  We chip away bits of the truth to make it more appealing to more people.  Yes, it is still truth, but now we have changed it to become a faceted truth.  When a diamond is cut and facets are formed, we don't see the diamond as well as we see the light reflecting off the facet.  Just as a diamond, in it's natural state, is not as appealing to the eye as a cut diamond, truth in it's purest form, God's truth, can be hard to take and very hard to understand.

Finding diamonds, just like finding truth, is a difficult task.  Diamonds are hidden deep in the earth.  You need to know where to dig to find the diamond.  Truths are something we seek.  We need to learn where to look for it.  We need to dig deep to find truth.  If truths, like diamonds were lying around, everyone would find them.  Searching for truth, like searching for diamonds can be a frustrating task and not every seeker is rewarded.  Some may seek their entire lives and come up empty.  They may think they are seeking in the right place, but they've wasted their time and efforts by looking where there is nothing to be found.

Not everyone can obtain a diamond.  They are available to all, but they are costly.  Not every person who wishes to have a diamond will get one.  Some will find imitations and be content and stop seeking the real thing.  Truth is available to all, but it is costly.  We have to give up our ideas of what we wish would be.  We have to give up our worldly desires.  We have to become humble and remember we are dust.  Our reward is the acceptance of truth.  We cannot be content with a falsehood and say it is truth.  We cannot be convinced that if we name it truth, this makes it so.  A diamond, in it's uncut state, may not look like what you think a diamond ought to look like.  Even though it doesn't look like what you think a diamond should look like, it is still a diamond.  It is still a valuable diamond.  Truth may not always look the way you think it should look, but authentic truth is incredibly valuable to have.  Authentic truth, like authentic diamonds, are verifiable.  We don't have to decide for ourselves, truth, like diamonds, will pass the test. 

Jesus, as he was preparing his disciples for his departure from this world prays to God in John 17:13-19, “I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them.  I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world.  My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one.  They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.  Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.  As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.  For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified."

Seek truth.  Look into God's word.  Ask God to reveal his truth to you.  Don't allow the evil one to cloud your vision and allow you to be satisfied with lies.  Seek truth and when you find truth, treasure it and hold it dear, as you would a diamond.

275.  Settling back into the old routine
276.  Preparing for summer
277.  Anticipation of a holiday weekend
278.  A backyard cleared of downed trees
279.  Giant shade trees (but not by my house)

I'm linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursdays

Persistent prayer

Luke 11:1-10  The Lord's Prayer 

Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.”  And he said to them, “When you pray, say:

“Father, hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come.
Give us each day our daily bread, and forgive us our sins,
    for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us.
And lead us not into temptation.”

And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs.  And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.

This week the small group bible study  studied prayer, imparticularly, persistent prayer.  We learned, through the verses above, to pray and pray and pray, until we get an answer to our prayer.  God promises to answer prayers.  (Matthew 7:7 Ask and it shall be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and it will be opened to you.)  Of course, we've all prayed to get a good grade on a test when we were in school, and then we didn't.  So, we know God doesn't give us what we ask for just because we pray.  In the bible it says Jesus asked God, "take this cup away from me, but not what I will but what you will."  We know God did not remove the bitter cup of crucifixion from Jesus.  He went to the cross and was crucified.  God's will was done in this instance.  This prayer thing is pretty confusing.  If God is going to do what God wants to do, what is the use in praying?  And further, what is the use in persistent praying?

The neighbor with the bread, in the story above, is in bed and does not want to get up to answer the door for the neighbor who needs bread.  Btw, these neighbors are friends, not just neighbors.  We were told we needed to put this story in a cultural setting.  Homes in this place and time were typically two story homes.  At night the family slept together in one room on the second floor and they sheltered their animals in the first floor.  Being the middle of the night, the neighbor tells his friend, essentially, go away, I'm not waking my entire family and upsetting the animals to give you bread.  However, the bread needing neighbor is persistent.  Seriously persistent.  So, the sleepy neighbor gets up and gives him the bread.

To me, this sounds like Jesus is saying God is the sleepy neighbor with the bread and if we want to get God to give us what we want, we have to bug him about it.  Does being persistent in prayer mean to be annoying?  This was a tough one for me.  After all, God knows everything, so he knows what I need and want.  And, God can do anything, so nothing I want is out of his abilities.  (btw, two churchy words for you here, omnipotent and omniscient, just sayin')  Yet, Jesus is telling his disciples God wants them to pray about the same thing over and over and over again until God answers their prayer.  This is what our group was told regarding persistence in prayer.  Pray until; 1. Your prayer is answered just as you hoped it would be answered.  2.  Your circumstances or perspectives have changed.  3. God leads you in a different direction.

I find a lot of comfort in these verses and some interesting insight.  First of all, one of the disciples asks to be taught how to pray.  This is interesting to me because these were Jewish men.  I'm sure they had all been bar mitzvahed.  They had been taught by their rabbi how to pray.  Obviously there was something different about the way Jesus was praying and the way John had been praying.  They wanted to learn Jesus' way of praying.  Secondly, we are reminded that God's name should be revered and not misused.  (this is certainly something I don't always do.)  We are taught to pray for our daily needs.  God does not grow tired and bored with our daily needs.  Neither is he bored with our request for forgiveness.  In fact, I believe confession of sins is encouraged.  God wants to forgive us and in turn, he wants us to show forgiveness to others.  This is a good practice.  I'm guessing it teaches us gratitude for what we have and compassion for others.  I think the world would be a better place if there was more of both of these attributes in people.  These verses teach us to ask to be kept from temptation.  God knows there is a lot of temptation out there.  By praying to be kept from it, we are reminded to stay away from it.  Lastly, by being persistent in our prayers we are reminded to be on the lookout for answers to our prayers.  I know I often pray and then put what I've prayed for out of my mind.  I've heard keeping a prayer journal is a good idea, but I'm not good at journaling.

Working through these verses and this study doesn't clear up everything about prayer for me.  I still have questions about why some people seem to be healed when prayed over and some are not.  One thing I can share from my personal experience is about a prayer I have been praying for a very long time.  I've posted about my son a little bit on this blog.  I like to keep his privacy intact, so I don't write about him very often.  I cannot tell you what issues, if any, affect my son as far as falling under the autism spectrum disorders or another attention deficit disorder.  There have been so many theories.  He has been diagnosed with aspergers or pervasive development disorder or executive function disorder.  He also has suffered from depression and is dyslexic.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed for him to be healed of any or all of these issues.  He has not been healed.  I have been persistent.  I have prayed daily for YEARS.  I got to the point of believing God must hate me or not be there at all.  It began to hurt my heart and harm my relationship with God.  (I've mentioned, I like God a lot.  His church, not so much, but I've always liked God.)  Lately, and I mean quite recently, I've noticed a change in my husband and son's relationship.  Lately, it seems, my son shown some desire to please my husband and to put forth effort to do what he asks him to do.  There seem to be fewer melt-downs and self-harming behaviors.  This gives me hope.  Maybe there is something to this persistent prayer.  Maybe God is answering my prayer differently than I had hoped and prayed.  Maybe he is healing my son through his relationship with his father.  Maybe God does hear my prayers.

172.  A very nice lunch out with my boss and several co-workers for Administrative Professionals Day (aka Secretaries' Day)  'cause I'm a secretary.  :)
173.  Azaleas blooming everywhere
174.  Using my imagination to see animals and people in the white fluffy cloud shapes
175.  Goldfinches turning bright yellow and sitting on my birdfeeder
176.  The feeling of hope in my heart

 

Linking with Shanda at On Your Heart Tuesdays