Finding my way in this new land

I have to admit, I'm lost.

I haven't found a routine or schedule or goal or whatever motivates one when they don't have a job outside the home and they don't have children to care for.

I used to think I was a "self starter," but now I'm not so sure.  It's funny (read, kinda sad) that I let little things stop me in my tracks.  The first thing I allowed to keep me from jumping into my new way of life was the hurt I felt from the way I was "let go" from my job.  It took me almost three weeks to pick myself up and dust myself off.  Now that I've got a bit of distance and I've let go of any ownership I felt about my work I can look at things objectively.  The first thing I've come to accept is that they fired me.

There, I said it.  Out loud.  On the internet (so it's out there forever).  Those people (jerks) that I worked for for 11 years, fired me.  Yeah, they did me dirty.

Ok, now I can move on.  But then..., my computer broke.  Seriously, I can't do anything without my laptop.  Here I am finally blogging again.  AND, I'm blogging on my brand new MacBook Air.  Yeah, I thought I was going to get a Pro, but I decided to go with the Air.  It cost less and it has everything I need.  I LOVE IT.  It is light as a feather.  Seriously.  I can take this thing EVERYWHERE.  I'm going to have to get some kind of sleeve or protector for it.  Since I CAN take it everywhere, I DO take it everywhere.  I've banged it against the car door more than once.  I don't want to break it.

I still haven't taken all my files off my old MacBook yet.  That bad boy is still sitting in the front hall.  Maybe I'll finally get to that little chore today.

Then, sadly, two of my former co-workers (ones that I truly liked, but cannot call friends because, well, are we ever REALLY friends with co-workers?  after all, we only know each other because we work together and when we don't work together anymore we don't really have time or opportunity to see each other.) have had tragedies occur in their lives.  One of them had a mini stroke (she's only 35 years old!) and the other lost her 22 year old son (she discovered he had passed away when she got home from work).  These two events stopped me dead in my tracks.  All I could do, that felt productive, was to pray (and, unfortunately, worry).  These things give me opportunity to reevaluate the way I look at the difficulties I have in my life. 

I have the opportunity to get a little perspective.

I'm out of work..., but I can look for a job and maybe even find one.
My son is out of work..., but he is still capable of working and he's looking for a job.  (at least that is what he tells me.)
My husband doesn't have job..., but he is on the last chapter of his dissertation and, fingers crossed, will finish in November.
My mother is losing her mind..., but she is 80 years old, still has her physical health, and her condition is not as difficult at this time as it will become.
My father is has become very bitter..., and become the best example of what I NEVER want to become.
My favorite millennial blogger has become a mommy blogger instead of being the voice of her generation (of the entitled)..., but I can find a more uplifting blog to read. 

I'm still searching for a routine.  I long for a schedule in my life.  I need to find some discipline and get myself together.  I know I can do it.

And I will.  But not until after my back feels better.  (I fell down the stairs the other day.)

501.  New laptop
502.  Heating pad
503.  My health
504.  My son's health
505.  My husband's health
506.  My father's health
507.  My mother's health
508.  Time in prayer
509.  Time in God's word
510.  Hope

Rockie Mountain high, in Lake Tahoe

It is so great to get away from home and be somewhere that is completely different than where you live.  I guess this is one of the reasons I love Lake Tahoe so much.  There is just something about the air in the mountains that make Lake Tahoe a such a great vacation spot.  When I'm there, I'm reminded of a scene from my husband's favorite movie, Groundhog Day.

"Phil: I think people place too much emphasis on their careers. I wish we could all live in the mountains at high altitude. That's where I see myself in five years. How about you?
Rita: Oh, I agree. I just like to go with the flow. See where it leads me.
Phil: Well, it's led you here.
Rita: Mm hmm. Of course it's about a million miles from where I started out in college.
Phil: You weren't in broadcasting or journalism?
Rita: Uh unh. Believe it or not, I studied 19th-century French poetry.
Phil: [laughs] What a waste of time! I mean, for someone else that would be an incredible waste of time. It's so bold of you to choose that. It's incredible; you must have been a very very strong person."

When I'm in Lake Tahoe I'm thinking this is what the people there are like.  I think the high altitude and thin air makes them less likely to focus on the mundane things of life like career and education and more likely to focus on the beauty of the area and their dreams and just "going with the flow."  I don't know if this is why I notice so many artsy crafty places or if this is because so many people vacation there.  (I don't know anyone that actually lives there all the time.  So I don't know if this line of thinking has any actual truth to it.)  I love finding "cool" places to eat and drink coffee or tea or kombucha or carrot juice.  Even though I can't walk two blocks without being winded (because of the altitude and the fact that I am incredibly out of shape), I feel younger when I'm in Lake Tahoe.  I know it's delusional, but it's how I feel.

Seriously, look at this view.

And this one.

See that little island out there.  There is a little stone house that was built by someone as her "tea house."  She had her servants row her out to the island and make her tea so she could sit, sip tea, and enjoy the view.  I'm sayin', that is living.  :)

I can't leave you without sharing this view, too.

While we were there we took the gondola ride to the summit of Heavenly Mountain.  Isn't that a perfect name for a mountain with a view like this.

It was a wonderful ride to the top.  Then I got off the gondola and had to walk around the trails/ski runs up there.  Needless to say, I huffed and puffed my two block walk and then sat down in a chair and soaked in the sunshine.

I'm back home and back to the regular routine.  I'll tell you a secret I haven't told my boss yet, ...I'm going back to Lake Tahoe in March.  I don't know if you remember, but my husband went skiing there right after he retired.  I stayed home and went to work.

This is not happening without me again.

See, it's even pretty in Lake Tahoe with snow.  Even though I don't ski anymore, I love the snow and being around and in it.

I hope you enjoyed my vacation pictures.  I know they are a lot more fun than listening to me rant about terrorist bomb threats and the killing of a U.S. ambassador and the fire bombings of embassies in Libya and Lebanon.  I know they are more fun that listening to me complain about our weak foreign policy and our president whining at Google for allowing a YouTube video to be uploaded and available for viewing.  Seriously, our president whines at Google instead of responding to the terrorists with force?  How weak does this make our country appear to the rest of the world.  Anyway, the vacay was wonderful and I hope you enjoyed the pics.

I'm doing what I can to get in better shape so I can walk around the mountain in March and not pass out.  :)

557.  Crisp fall air
558.  Memories of a fun trip
559.  Talking to my brother on the phone
560.  Anticipating the iPhone 5
561.  Enjoying the last of summer's tomatoes

Ten habits I will develop

I tried to title this post Ten habits I need to will develop, but Blogger won't allow me to do the cross out thing in the post title.  haha  Even Blogger is keeping me in a positive frame of mind.  Gotta love it.

I've gotten in some pretty bad habits, of late.  I wonder why it is so much easy to slip out of the good habits of exercise and eating right and into the bad habits of sitting on the couch and eating and drinking too much.  Hmmm?

I want to:

1. Go for a walk every day with my husband
2. Do the stretching exercises for my plantar fasciitis
3. Floss daily
4. Resume selling on eBay (anybody want to buy a Lladro nativity set?)
5. Do some core work daily (sit-ups or planks or crunches, something)
6. Cut back on my alcohol and snack consumption (inversely, drink more water)
7. Do 100 squats every day at work
8. Start clearing the crap off that table in the office room of my house
9. Moisturize my skin every night
10. Eat my dinner at the table and not on the couch

There.  These are 10 things I want to develop as habits.  Is this too much?  I lie to myself so much.  I tell myself I want to do these things and then I slack off and sit on the couch and play Scramble With Friends with my husband.  I sit on the couch and watch three episodes of The Killing and laugh at how many scenes show it raining in Seattle, WA and remembering that my friends moving back to Seattle tell me Seattle has great weather and it really doesn't rain that much.  I avoid going for the walk with my husband because I know my foot is gonna hurt like a m***a when I get home and I'll barely be able to walk to the bathroom in the morning.  I avoid doing the exercises because... they're boring and they hurt.  I haven't done any selling on eBay because I'm tired on the weekends and I have just enough energy to do my chores and then I'm done (stick a fork in me).  I don't floss and moisturize because I've sat on the couch until it is so late and I'm so tired I barely have the energy (and sobriety) to brush my teeth and put my jammies on, let alone floss and moisturize.

I've heard that no one changes their lifestyle until the pain of remaining where they are becomes greater than the pain caused by changing.  These changes will be painful.  There is no doubt.  I know you've heard me whine about this before.  I'm a yo-yo dieter and exerciser.  I do it for a while, then I quit.  Well, it appears I'm back to doing it for a while.  Wish me luck... and perseverance.  :)

368.  Second chances in life
369.  New study starting in my small group... the gospel of Mark
370.  A husband willing to walk with me, if I'd only agree to it
371.  Time to see if doing the plantar faciitis exercises work before I make a doctor appt and see if I need surgery
372.  The goal of having pain-free feet for a trip to NYC in Feb. 2013
373.  The experience of knowing that if I do the ab work and walking, my energy level will increase 

The shoe no longer fits

There will be no more cute shoes for me in my lifetime.  I will never wear kitten heels or flip flops or strappy sandals or stilettos or ballet flats or sling backs again.  I have officially joined the ranks of women with "old lady" feet.  This is certainly one of the saddest days of my life.  I will never enjoy and look forward to shoe shopping again.  From now on, shoes with be functional and, hopefully, non-noticeable. 

My new work shoes (Sketchers)

If you are wondering why this is such a sad day, you aren't a woman.  Shoes and shoe shopping are one of the most fun things a woman can do.  Shoe shopping is the ultimate in impulse shopping.  We never NEED the shoes, we LOVE the shoes.  (men, if you are trying to relate to this, just think about the last time you were in a grocery store without a grocery list)  There is just something about shoes that can make you so happy.  We women have even been known to have special shelves built to hold and DISPLAY our shoes.  The best line I ever heard, in a movie, about shoes was in the movie In Her Shoes.  The character played by Toni Collette says, "When I feel down, I like to treat myself. Clothes never look any good, and food just makes me fatter, but shoes always fit."  If you want to understand women and shoes, rent this movie.  It's cute to watch.  And, of course, there is always Sex in the City.  Nobody loved a shoe like Carrie Bradshaw loved a shoe.  I'm going to miss shopping for shoes.  I'm going to miss it, a lot.  

Christian Louboutin

Jimmy Choo

Manolo Blahnik

Aren't they beautiful?  Yes, yes they are.  These shoes will never again be on my feet.  You cannot put an orthotic device in those shoes.  I, can now, no longer wear a shoe without putting the orthotic insert in the shoe.  If I do go without the orthotics, I will pay dearly, ...in pain.  I have resigned myself to a future of New Balance (or Sketchers) running shoes and oxford style leather dress shoes.  Neither of these look good with skirts or dresses.  I don't think I can ever feel pretty again.  I'm just going to have to get used to it.  I'll find handsome pantsuits and coordinated slacks and tops.  This is my future.  Now you know what they mean when they say, "Getting old isn't for sissies."   

357.  Orthotics
358.  Cortisone shots in my heels
359.  Running or walking shoes in black
360.  Memories of cute shoes
361.  The feminist movement?  (at least I'm allowed to wear pants)
362.  Every day my feet don't hurt

I wonder how long I'll continue to work

It's only Tuesday and I feel as if I've worked an entire week.  It's like this in the days and weeks before a trustee meeting.  My boss is the king of procrastination.  He's so funny, and by so funny, I mean he's not funny in any way, when he finishes a report and emails it to me and then asks me if "I'm done."  Seriously, all I have to do after he gives me reports is proofread them, convert them to pdfs, put headers and page numbers on them, and compile them into one document.  I guess he thinks that takes a nanosecond.  Regardless, I'm a secretary and that's what I do.  I format.  I type.  I file.  I answer the phone. 

I went to Human Resources today to look at my health benefit package.  One time a year we are allowed to revise our package and if you miss it, too bad for you.  I wanted to check into two things.  The first thing I wanted to check was the coverage for my son.  I am very fortunate to be able to provide my son's health and dental insurance until he it 26 years old.  After that, he is on his own.  This year will be the final year of health insurance coverage by me, his dear old mom.  I pray he finds a job with benefits soon.  (this is the first hint needed to answer the question how long I'll continue to work)  The second thing I wanted to check was the process for getting my husband on my company's insurance.  He's retired now.  With this retirement came a cancellation of his company's insurance coverage.  I got my answers and now I know exactly what I need to do.

We know we don't want Obamacare.

Today I got a sliver of the feeling my husband had all these past years of employment.  All these years my husband has been carrying the weight of providing for his family on his shoulders.  My job always provided the "extras."  It provided some extra income.  It provided some extra benefits, like free tuition, had my son wanted to take advantage of this.  He did not.  Now, I am the provider of benefits.  I feel the responsibility of it.  This just gives me even more respect for my husband.  How was it that I was completely unaware of this feeling while I was a sahm.  I'm sure it had a lot to do with being the primary care giver to our child.  I wonder if my husband ever feels the responsibility I was feeling while I was doing the "mom-thing."  You see, now he is home when my son is home from work and I am not.  Isn't life funny sometimes?

I wonder how long I'll continue to work?  People ask me this a lot.  People ask my husband this question a lot.  I guess the answer is, for sure a year.  I like working toward a goal.  Maybe my goal will be June 25, 2013.  How does that sound?

121.  A job that provides health insurance
122.  Doctors willing to use the health insurance my company provides
123.  Dental insurance
124.  A healthy husband and son
125.  The ability to let insensitive comments roll off my back
126.  A small space heater under my desk for these cooler spring days after they've turned the heat off in my building
127.  Knowing there are leftovers in the refrigerator at home when I know I'll be too tired to cook
128.  Good discussion on ethics and how to work toward changing the world for God
129.  Church-wide bible study
130.  Opportunities to serve others in the name of Christ

Never say never

Let me tell you a story of why it can be dangerous to be in pretty good shape.  This is a recounting of something that I experienced about two and a half years ago.  Back then I had been working pretty darn hard at getting into better physical shape.  I was spending every lunch hour at the gym.  I was on the treadmill and doing weight training.  I was eating salads.  I was focused on getting healthier and stronger.  Even though I was in my early 50's, I was beginning to think I could do some pretty physical things.  I was thinking I was pretty strong.  I thought I could GO FOR IT.  So, what did I do?

I thought I wanted to do the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu.  I'll wait for you all to stop laughing....  You done?  I'll give you another minute....

Of course I knew I wouldn't be able to start out hiking with Machu Picchu.  I'm not that naive of my physicality.  I had a plan.  I thought I would start out with hikes around my area.  I thought I would go hiking while on vacations.  I planned to hike the Grand Canyon.  I thought I would be ready for the big hike after that.  There's that thing I've heard said about the best laid plans.  What was it?  Give me a few minutes to remember what that is....

Oh yeah.  We make plans, God laughs.  It's good to bring laughter to the world.  I hope God enjoyed this one.  I think he did.

You may remember how much I enjoy going to Reno, NV for the Tailhook convention.  I've posted about it before, here.  This event is held the weekend after Labor Day.  It's still pretty hot in Nevada and Reno, NV is at 4500 feet altitude.  I spent some time in the hotel's fitness room on the treadmill and you can, no kidding, feel the altitude in your breathing.  I could handle it.  In fact, I had heard that training at high altitude increased your cardio endurance.  I was feeling pretty strong.  I looked on the internet for some hikes to take in the Reno area.  I thought it would be great training for my husband and me to take a hike in the morning before all the tailhook events began on Thursday.  I made a plan to take a nice 5 mile hike up a small mountain, go around the summit and come down the other side.  I even found a map.  I figured if we began our hike at 8:00 a.m. we would be finished and back at the hotel by lunchtime.  I made a plan.  I chose the hike called Hidden Valley.  It sounded lovely.

Wednesday evening my husband and I had dinner with our friends at the hotel.  It's great to spend this first evening together.  We chat, catch up with what we've been doing since we last were together and look forward to a fun weekend together.  This time the dinner conversation turned to one of the guys reminiscing about his and his wife's trip to the Grand Canyon.  He recollected about a helicopter sightseeing adventure they took there.  It sounded lovely.  I mentioned we were planning a trip to the Grand Canyon, but instead of taking a helicopter trip (I said there was no way you'd get me in a helicopter) we were going to hike in and out of the canyon.  There were some chuckles, but I didn't mind.  We told them about our plan to go hiking in the morning.  We told them about where we were going and, laughingly, said if we were not back by dinner to send out a search party.

In the morning we packed a backpack with eight bottles of water, slathered on the sunscreen, grabbed the map and cell phones and off we went.  It was a gorgeous day.  We got to the base of the trail at 8:00 a.m. (doncha just love it when a plan comes together?)  The trail was wide and looked well traveled by ATVs.  There were horses all around and the grade was moderate.  We made it to the summit in two and a half hours.  I was a little tired, but ok.  My husband had surprised me by bringing the hotel chocolates from our pillows in the backpack.  They were a melty, messy treat.  Life was good.  When we began to look for the trail to go around the summit and descend back to our car we noticed the ATV tracks went everywhere.  We pulled out the map and made our choice.  As we were making our descent we notice the "trail" seemed more like a flash flood runoff.  The trail was very rocky and steep and I needed to hang on to my husband's shoulder to walk down.  I didn't want to twist an ankle up here on the mountain.  I wasn't going to be THAT damsel in distress.  We made it down the trail.  We started walking along, what we thought was, the trail to the base and where we had left our car.  Unfortunately, we had made a wrong turn.  We weren't too worried.  The valet who parked our car told us as long as a trail was heading downhill, we would end up back in Reno.  Our trail was heading downhill.  We walked for two more hours.  It was 100 degrees.  We were in the desert.  There was no shade.  I wasn't in as good of shape as I had believed myself to be.  I was starting to get scared.

It is now about 12:30 p.m. and we are in the desert.  There is NOBODY around.  My husband has figured out where we went wrong and we are now walking in the right direction.  I'm not having the easiest time anymore.  We walk for another hour.  I'm having a more difficult time in the hike.  I don't want to drink water anymore.  It's making me sick.  But, I keep going.  It's amazing all the crazy things people do in the desert.  I must have seen every size of shell casing for every weapon legally available for purchase laying on the ground.  I saw every type of trash item that could be used as target practice.  I saw so many shot up tvs and monitors, I couldn't believe it.  Just thinking about all the people that come out into the desert gave me a little hope, but we didn't see anybody.  My husband started to walk ahead of me to encourage me and tell me we are almost there.  I'm starting to have to sit down a lot.  There aren't any mountains anymore, but every rise in the trail is sucking the life out of me.  We walk another hour.  We come to a pile of rocks in the desert and I tell my husband I don't think I can make it.  I'm throwing up every sip of water I take.

Then, surprisingly, we see a guy driving a motorcycle in the distance.  We are screaming and waving our hands.  I am so desperate, I take off my pink shirt and wave it in the air.  He doesn't see us.  And we watch him drive away.  It's a moment of great despair, for me.  I tell my husband, we have to call 911.  I can't make it and he can't carry me.

This isn't something my husband wants to do, but he sees, I'm toast.  I pull out my Motorola Razor flip phone.  The battery is dead from searching for a signal.  (do you think this is when God starts laughing?)  My husband scrambles up the rock pile and pulls out his Motorola Razor.  He has one bar of both battery and signal.  He dials 911.  They answer the phone.  Hallelujah!  They ask for landmarks.  My husband starts describing what we can see.  I remind him to tell them we are on the Hidden Valley trail I found on the internet on the Reno hiking trails site.  His phone battery dies.  Silence.  We don't know if they heard him or not.  My husband reminds me that we are going to be ok.  Even if they don't find us, we can rest and it will get cooler as it get later in the day.  We can walk out then.  This gives me a little more hope.

Suddenly, we see a helicopter flying above us.  My husband attempts to use his watch to reflect the sun light to help them find us.  I, again, take off my shirt.  (I have obviously lost my mind, at this point)  The helicopter sees us and searches for a place to land near us.  It lands.  I, amazingly, find enough energy in myself to hurry toward the aircraft.  The co-pilot gets out to help me aboard.  I hug him so hard.  Where was all this energy when I needed it?  I literally JUMP onto the helicopter.  I'm going to live.  My husband climbs aboard and we lift off.  I look out the window and soon I see green grass, houses and a park.  They land the helicopter in the park.  Then I see a firetruck, ambulance, mountain rescue vehicle and two police cars.  All for us.  Well, me, really.  I get off the aircraft and they sit me under a tree and bring me a sports drink.  They remind me to drink it slowly.  They check my vitals and ask me if I want to go to the hospital.  I'm so embarrassed.  They remind me how much happier they are to rescue living people from the desert instead of searching for the dead.  It helps me feel better about the whole thing.  The police drive us to our car and tell us to have a lovely evening.

So I've gone from saying I'd never get on a helicopter to JUMPING on to a helicopter in less than 24 hours.  All because I thought I was in pretty good shape.  Thank goodness, I've gained most of the weight back and I haven't been on a treadmill in months.  I'm in horrible shape.  I think being this out of shape is going to save my life.  At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

42.  My husband
43.  Search and rescue people
44.  Good friends
45.  Wonderful memories
46.  Bottled water
47.  The knowledge that my husband wouldn't leave me in the desert, alone
48.  Health
49.  Cell phones
50.  A memory of a scary, but wonderful adventure

It's really not that good of a map

TMI

Here's the thing.  Old ladies shouldn't get sick and have a cough.  I'm just saying, coughing uses way more muscles than you think.  Coughing is a dangerous activity.  I don't think there is a lady-like way to go on a coughing jag.  I pulled a tummy muscle.  Goodie, goodie, I guess I do have abdominal muscles after all.  They're just not toned in any way.  Oh, and I can tell you, I've got other muscles that aren't toned either.  And it's not pretty.  No it's not.  Tmi?  Maybe?

Yeah, this isn't the poise I need.  :)

Being happy is super important

Is it important to be happy?

I've heard some people say they don't think it is important to be happy.  I've heard people say it isn't worth the effort to try to be happy.  I beg to differ. 

Yahoo answers most popular answer says:

Happiness is the greatest sensation we can feel. Man has always striven to feel happy and almost everything we do now as a society is so that we can feel happy as individuals. Being in a sate of happiness puts less stress on our bodies and can even bring us better health. Generally, happy people live healthier and even live longer. The need to feel happy is what keeps our world in check and out of a state of total chaos and mass destruction.

I think it is pretty important to be happy.  I certainly think it's worth striving to be happy.  I absolutely believe happiness is within our grasp.  And being happy is certainly better than being unhappy.

Some misconceptions about the pursuit of happiness are that other people can make you happy.  Or, money can make you happy.  Or, things can make you happy.  I don't believe anything or any person can make you happy.  As far as distinguishing happiness from joy?  Well, I think this is an exercise in semantics.  I don't think a person who considers themselves unhappy would say they are joyful.  I think happiness is a decision I make every day.  I find happiness in my life every day, because, every day, I find purpose in my life.  I think a life devoid of purpose can be a very unhappy existence.  Maybe this is why some cannot find happiness and therefore, minimize its value.

In Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl speaks of focusing on what is possible.  He says to focus on the great things you can do and don't think about the things that are making you unhappy.  Don't focus on the haunting dark thoughts, but focus on the dozen great things that are possible for you.  These great things will be your creations.  These creations will only be possible if you create them.  You create the great things in your life.  This is one of the ways man can produce meaning in his life.  Frankl says, when the emotions work in terms of values, the individual can feel pure joy.  Man needs to have meaning in his life to feel the happiness we all desire.  Frankl's experience while imprisoned during the Holocaust taught him it was the striving and struggling towards a goal worthy of him that gave him the sense of well being that a tensionless life could not.

Being happy is good for us, physically.  We feel better when we are happy.  Laughing is good for the body, as well as the soul.  Studies have shown that happy people are less likely to catch a cold when exposed to a cold virus.  Happy people are also less likely to catch the influenza virus.  Amazing.

Happy people make the world a better place.  Happy people are less likely to be criminals.  Even happy people with weak characters or poor values are less likely to harm other individuals or engage in anti-social behavior.  If more people chose to pursuit happiness, the world would be a better place.  I think our founding fathers understood this concept.  They put it in the Declaration of Independence as an unalienable right endowed on us by our creator.

I think the Yahoo answer guy got it right.  Being happy is super important.  It's worth the effort.

No cancer. But, I still hate Tamoxifen

I don't have uterine cancer.  I am very happy.  I'm not surprised.  But, I'm very happy.

I took a few minutes, yesterday, to peek at some old blog posts to see if I had shared this part of my life with you guys, and discovered, indeed I had.  Back on Memorial Day weekend, in May (duh) I posted Tamoxifen, the rest of the story.  Seriously, I've been messing around with this issue since Memorial Day?  I think this officially proves I am not a whiner. At least, I'm not a whiner on this blog.  (Oh wait, I just found this post, Tamoxifen, take three.  Maybe I am a whiner.)  To be honest, I had to have my endometrium biopsied four times.  I had one ultrasound (and I think they should have paid me for THIS particular procedure.  Quite invasive.) and four, count 'em FOUR, biopsies.  Evidently, they had a hard time getting enough tissue for conclusive testing.  This is all in the past.  I don't have uterine cancer.  I haven't developed one of the MOST SERIOUS side effects of being on Tamoxifen.  Thank goodness I wasn't seriously worried I had cancer or the stress may have been too much for me.  I have made a promise to myself that I will follow doctor's orders when it comes to me and Tamoxifen.

Anyway, they main point is No Cancer.  This is very good.  Very positive.  I want to share the good with the bad in my little corner of cyberspace.  I also want to share this process with any women out there, reading this blog.  Taking care of ourselves is very important.  Caring for our health.  Caring for our bodies.  Caring for our mental well-being.  We women have a tendency to be care-takers of OTHERS and neglect ourselves.  Don't do it, ladies.  Take advantage of this one area of Women's Health that seems to be getting the research money.  (God knows enough money has been spent on E.D.)  Anything we can do to keep ourselves from getting breast cancer is worth doing.  Btw, self examination doesn't cut it.  In no way.  Go to the doctor.  Get your mammograms regularly.  Follow-up if you need to follow-up.  I know it's not fun.  I know it is a bit humiliating.  I know it even hurts a little.  But, you can do it.

This has been a public statement encouraging all women to take care of themselves and love themselves a little more today.  :)

Go Bears!

Tamoxifen, the rest of the story

I'm just going to start with this, I HATE TAMOXIFEN.

Ok, now I've got that off my chest (haha, chest... tamoxifen... breast cancer).

I'll start with the positive.  I'm tolerating the side effects much better.  This is a plus.

Ok, one side effect of tamoxifen is endometrial cancer.  Obviously, this is one of the more serious side effects.  Ok, I'm going to make sure I don't have this side effect.  Today.  So, off to the doc to have my lady parts examined for endometrial cancer.  I hope I haven't offended any delicate sensibilities out there in blogland.  Btw, if you are the praying kind of person.  I'd love a word or two on my behalf.

This being said...  I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend.  Fly the flag.  Thank a veteran.  If you're an American reader, be a proud American.  If you're a reader from another great country out there in blogland, thanks for reading and have a good weekend, as well.

How to become Obsessed

I've been thinking more and more about my desire to be obsessed with being healthier and having a positive attitude.  I don't think I've been REALLY obsessing about these two things.  Sure, I think about them and then I don't think about them.  This is NOT an obsession.  I know when I'm obsessing on something and this isn't what I've been doing.  The definition of obsession is - the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.  The DOMINATION of one's thoughts.  My thoughts have not been DOMINATED by the desire for a healthy body or the desire to be a more positive person.  My thoughts have flirted around the edges of those desires, not been dominated by them.  I find myself shirking the plans I've made to go to the gym or giving into the desire to eat the wrong foods or drink too many cocktails.  My thoughts are to be DOMINATED by a desire for health and fitness.  Ditto with the positivity. 


I found a few steps to help me with the development obsession.  Hopefully this will be helpful to us all.

• The More Obsessed You Become, The Greater The Positive Energy Generated 

Positive energy is fundamental to success, because it is the creative energy block which manifests your goals for you. When you are generating high levels of positive energy, you will also be manifesting like crazy. Becoming obsessed in your goal will make you more and more invested in your goal, and direct all of your energies towards its achievement as quickly as possible. This is how success works. You need to become totally engrossed in what you are doing as it increases a) positive energy and b) directs that energy to your object of obsession.


I will look forward to my fitness activities.  I will look forward to the pain I feel in my muscles.  This pain with reinforce the positive feelings I have about having a healthy and fit body.  I will look forward to preparing healthy food and eating it in the correct portion size.  I will put a smile on my face and in my voice when interacting with others.  My goal will be to be POSITIVE with as many people as possible in each day.

• Obsession Allows You To Generate More Ideas And Theories On Achieving The Goal 

When you get obsessed, you are connecting deeper and deeper into the subconscious mind. This then allows the subconscious mind to provide you with the necessary ideas and plans to make the goal come about. Connecting to the subconscious will give you greater drive and motivation as well. 


If I think about being fit and positive ALL the time it will seep into my subconscious mind.  AMAZING BUT TRUE.  We all have had the condition of being able to think about nothing else but an important event or object of desire.  This is what obsession IS.  I need to make health and positive attitude my object of desire.  Not something  I wish I could have, but something I NEED.

• Obsession Makes You Commit To Achieving Your Goals 

Getting the commitment and dedication to achieve your goals is paramount to keep your focus in the right direction. When you commit to the achievement of your goals, you go the extra mile all the time. You become as efficient and as persistent as possible. You move at top speed towards your goals, and achieve them as a result. There is always more improvement which can be made, and making the commitment to total improvement through total obsession in that improvement will work wonders. It will always keep you on track when you need. 


Becoming dedicated to my goals is going to be crucial.  Really, what else do I have to do in my life?  Being healthy and positive should be CRUCIAL to my well being. 

• Obsession Allows You To See What's Important In Your Priorities

What you are obsessed in is where your priority lies. You will always be willing to invest your time and energy in your obsession as opposed to other non-obsessive things. This is good, because it allows you to arrange your priorities effectively. You will then end up naturally investing energy in the things which are important to you.  


Activities leading to health or fitness and activities leading to a positive attitude will become my priorities.  Offhand I can think of exercise, smiling, healthy food choices, portion control, a gratitude list, ...  that's all I can think of for now.  These will be my priorities in life.  This means I cannot dwell on mistakes, can't stuff feelings with booze or food, or lay around and feel sorry for myself.  (now I'm not saying I do those things, I might, but I'm not saying it)

Here we go.  (he looked kinda cute, so I added him to my obsessions)

1st week complete, whew...

I posted earlier about doing 40 days of yoga and I'm doing it.  I'm doing it the best I can.  In the post about what I was "gonna do" I said a lot of things.  I was completely talking out of my butt.  I had NO idea what to expect.  None.  Seriously.  So, since I have week 1 under my belt I can share with some experience.  Here goes.

I'm pretty sure I'm one of the oldest people in the class and I'm certain I'm the heaviest.  (this is a hard for me to say aloud.  I don't know why, because I know I'm not invisible, but it just is, ... hard to say.)

Yoga is hard to do when you are fat.  I'm sure it's hard to do when you are not fat, but the belly and thighs make a HUGE difference.  I'm making an enormous (haha) effort not to become discouraged.  I'm mostly attending beginner classes.  And I should ONLY take beginner classes.  However, the Sunday evening class is for EVERYONE, so they accommodate all experience levels.  Most of the people in this class are experienced, so... the yoga practice is harder.  Let me share some of my joy.  When the class begins I think to myself, boy, I hope I don't fall down.  I really don't want to fall down.  I think if I fall down, I won't be going back there.  So far, I haven't fallen down.  Booyah!!!  Then I begin to do my best at getting into and holding the poses.  It's hard for me.  I look at the girls on either side of me fold their lithe bodies and look completely at ease in the poses.  Their hair is smooth.  Their eyes closed, faces serene.  And dry.

Now look at me.  I'm in my pose, sort of.  My hair is mussy, because it will NOT stay in the ponytail I affected this morning, because my hair is NOT quite long enough to stay put so strings of hair are hanging in my face.  Obviously my eyes are NOT closed or I wouldn't be able to see what the other girls are doing.  My face is NOT serene.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I look puzzled.  I try to use the puzzled look to mask the pained look.  Oh yeah, and my face is NOT dry.  I'm SWEATING.  A LOT.

Now you have a picture of my yoga.  Not pretty.  The goal for the week was to attend 3 - 4 yoga classes and to do 1 - 2 home practices.  I attended 3 classes and did zero home practices.  I don't know any by heart yet, so...  There you go.

Meditation is also part of this class.  As I mentioned before, this is not my strong suit.  I really have no strong suit in this 40-day class, but meditation has NEVER been something I could do at all.  Well, surprisingly enough, I've been kinda OK at meditation.  So surprising.  I'm finding that focusing on my breath and my body for 5 minutes at a pop is something I can do.  We were supposed to meditate twice each day for 5 minutes each.  I did it 3 times this week.  OK, so, I didn't do it as much as I was supposed to do, but the quality of those 3 times was darn good.

Thirdly, mindful eating was a part of the program this week.  Why do I want to eat this?  How will it make my body feel?  Do I want this because I am hot?  Or cold?  etc.  etc.  etc.  This WAS fairly key for me.  It does slow down the "grab and go" eating that is a part of my existence.  I can't say I did this perfectly, but I did it often.  I'm not sure I completely understand the desire for food and the hot or cold body experience, but this seems to be an important part of the program.  I will make an effort to grasp this concept more fully.  Fyi, I've lost 2 lbs. this week.  So, ...  I'm looking at this as a positive.  Tough to do, but I think I should.

Lastly, journaling and answering "excavation questions."  Another tough area for me.  I understand journaling is one of the MOST powerful vehicles for change.  I'm trying to do it.  For some reason, blogging like this is easier for me than writing in a book.  But, I don't think you would like to hear the answers to the questions I'm being asked to contemplate.  Example, "Where in my life am I flirting with disaster?"  No one wants to hear the answer to THAT ONE.  :)

There you have it in a nutshell.  One week of the 6-week program complete.  One week to changing my way of thinking about my body, my thoughts, my interactions, my self-care.  This is all good.  Thanks for letting me share.  A little accountability goes a long way.

topexercisevideos.com

40 days of yoga

Today I am taking the first step on an odyssey, I'm afraid, will be no less perilous than that of Ulysses.  I am beginning a "40 Days To Personal Evolution" program at the neighborhood yoga center.  I'm scared.  I'm not a real yoga person.  I've taken at few yoga classes.  I've taken a couple tai chi classes.  I've taken two qi gong classes.  *and, as a side note, I pronounced it wrong.  it's pronounced chi gong.  oh really.*  I've seen all the yoga girls coming out of the yoga classes.  They're all TINY.  No chubby girls take yoga classes.  Yoga pants aren't known for their camouflaging properties.  Sure, they stretch like nobodies business, but they are, shall we say, clingy.  Oh yeah, and I don't know if you remember this about me, I'm over 50.  Not just over 50, but almost half-way over 50.  Flexibility is NOT my middle name anymore.

So, you may wonder what exactly, I am afraid of.  It can't be the fear that I may not do yoga as well as others accompanying  me on this journey.  Nope, that is a given.  ANYONE can do yoga better than me.  My dog can do yoga better than me.  Could the fear be stepping out and trying a new thing?  Well, we are getting closer.  The unknown is a scary place.  I don't know any of these people.  I don't know any of the teachers  This does give me a tiny bit of pause, but I don't think this is the biggest portion of my fear.  Will I hurt myself?  No, this isn't it.  I know I won't hurt myself.  Will I quit before the 40 days is completed?  Ding ding ding.  We have a winner!!!  This is my biggest fear.  I want to give this program my full participation.  It is all on me to take the suggested classes during each week.  It is all on me to do the homework and do the "at home practices" and do the meditations.

Meditations?!?  What??  I don't meditate.  This scares me to death.  This has always been the portion of a yoga class I just don't understand.  What is supposed to be happening in meditation.  I don't know what goes on in your "mind's eye", but my mind has a grocery list, that closet in the back bedroom that needs sorting out, the three projects I have sitting on my desk in the office, the quality of the oil in my car, the state of the economy in Namibia, ANYTHING but what I think everyone else is meditating on.  I start to get nervous.  I say to myself, "Hey, stop thinking about frozen pizzas and which hot dog buns to buy this time.  Your supposed to be meditating and freeing your mind.  Ok, think about a beach.  Really, a beach...  NO, stop thinking about whether or not we should use the time-share this year or try to sell it on that travel website.  You're supposed to be meditating.  Ok, think about a mountain.  Sigh, a mountain...  Hey, did you remember to have the break fluid checked at the shop the last time?  I wonder if I'm going to have to buy new tires?  STOP thinking about that stuff...you're supposed to be meditating."  DING.  Meditation time is over.  Now I'm a wreck.  I've just added five more things to my to-do list.

I think we've narrowed down my fears to two.  Number one, having another endeavor I have paid money for and didn't complete.  Number two, meditation and focusing on my own thoughts.  I guess when I look at these fear "on paper" they don't seem so scary.  I mean, what's the worst that can happen?  I guess I'll find out.  Namaste.

image from jiggaroo.com

Tamoxifen

I've been taking the medication, tamoxifen, for a month now.  So far, all I can say is "yuk."  The simple understanding of how this medication works is that it blocks any and all estrogen receptors in my body.  By doing this it essentially rids my body of the effects of estrogen.  So, hot flashes, night sweats, super dry skin, crabbiness, dry eyes, and all the other fun things associated with the end of womanhood.  The reason I'm taking tamoxifen is because I score very high on the Gail model of risk and have a high risk for breast cancer.  Now, I don't have breast cancer.  I'm following doctors recommendations and trying this.

Some days I feel HORRIBLE.  It feels like my skin is too tight for my body and I don't want anything to touch my skin.  I don't want my clothes on and I don't want them off.  I don't have a better way to describe this feeling.  I feel itchy, but my skin is so sensitive I can't stand touching it.  Oh well, enough of that.  The other really crappy thing is the night sweats.  I'm TIRED!  This condition makes it very hard for me to sleep through the night.  And, after I wake up, I'm freezing because I'm sweaty and I can't fall back asleep because I'm SOOOO cold.  And, of course, the dreaded hot flashes.  We can call them all the cute names out there:  power surges, personal summers, heat waves.  These SUCK!!  There is nothing worse than being in a meeting with all your coworkers and find yourself drenched in sweat.  Lovely.

I've been thinking about my latest issues at the office.  I think some of it is related to this medication.  Really, my boss hasn't changed.  He's always been a non-confrontational, unsupportive, poor manager.  I, on the other hand, was a woman with estrogen in her body.  Now, we know, estrogen helps us as women to be the nurturers.  We need to be nurturers to be mothers.  I no longer have this nurturing hormone coursing through my body.  And, the fact that I'm an ISTJ doesn't make me the warm, caring person I used to be.  And, my office is in an old building has lousy heat and air conditioning.  My office sits directly over the main boiling water pipe that heats the building.  My office is almost as hot as the sun.  At the same time, I'm enjoying my own personal summer.  Booyah!!

I talked to my doctor and told her about the way this med is making me feel.  We've decided to stay on this medication another month, and to take half the dosage I was on last month.  We will see how it goes.

If anyone out there has any experience, hope or strength to share, it is welcome.

Tips for a Happier and Healthier Frame of Mind

My goal for 2011 is to be happier.  *yeah, still working on that same old thing* I thought these tips would help me, so I shared them on my fb page and I thought I'd share them here. I copied these tips from here, but I added the Bible verses myself.

1. Recognize negative thoughts as they take shape and bury them before they take root. If you feel your mood darkening again, put a stop to these dangerous musings before you succumb to them. Rule your emotions, don't let your emotions rule you.

Proverbs 4:23,  Above all else, guard your heart,for it is the wellspring of life.

2. Hang out with people who think positive as well. This condition can be quite infectious.

1 Thessalonians 5:11,  Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

3. Just as contagious is a negative mindset. So avoid people who tend to think negatively on a constant basis. After all, who wants to hang around naysayers all the time? 

Ephesians 4:29,  Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

4. Work out and eat right. If you look good on the outside, it'll be easier to feel good on the inside, too.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20,  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

5. De-clutter. Surround yourself only with the things you love and that make you feel good--framed family photos, favorite books, potted plants, works of art, or whatever else that's meaningful to you.

Luke 12:15,  And he said to them, “Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”

6. If people tell you you can't do something, take that as a challenge and prove them wrong. Chances are, they themselves can't do it or are too afraid to try and are simply bitter about it. If you show them it can be done after all, maybe they'll even be inspired by your success. You can be a living tip for positive thinking to them.

Philippians 4:13,  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

7. Just when you're about to blow your top for all the seeming misfortunes that befall you, remind yourself of all your blessings instead. This practice can be very sobering, indeed.

Psalm 136:1,  Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.

8. Be a volunteer or get involved in charity work. Not only will you realize the sheer number of people who have bigger problems than you do, but there is also such an emotional and even spiritual high to be experienced in helping others.

Acts 20:35,  In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

9. De-stress. You're more likely to be cranky if you're perpetually stressed out. So get away from it all and recharge.

James 4:8,  Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

10. Keep it up. Getting started is easy. It's the maintenance that's tricky. Make a habit out of thinking positively till it becomes an indelible part of who you are.

Hebrews 12:1-2,  Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.