Does everyone hate themselves? Just a little bit?

I hate myself.  Maybe it's just me, but I don't think so.  I even say it out loud sometimes.  I try not to say it out loud at work, because it does sound a little crazy when someone else hears the words.  It doesn't sound crazy to me, at all.  I'm used to hearing the words in my head dozens of times each day.  But when my husband hears me say it out loud he looks at me like I may be a little crazy.  Or maybe he's just sad for me.  I don't think my husband ever hears those words in his head.

I try to figure out why I'm so tough on myself and I hardly ever let myself off the hook.  I mostly blame my parents.  I mean, isn't it your parents that really screw you up?  I think my kid thinks this about me sometimes.  I tell myself that I'm over my childhood.  I'm an adult and I'm responsible for my own feelings and thoughts.  My parents did the best they could with what they had.  I was a rebellious child.  I'm sure I made it tough on them.

I feel it is insulting to God to tell myself that I hate myself when I know how much he loves me.  I've been told it is the devil that is always in my ear, telling me I'm not good and I don't deserve self-love.  It's such a struggle.  That negative voice is SCREAMING in my head and the voice of God is still and soft.  I know I am to be accountable for every word I utter.  I know Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount that hating my brother is the same as murdering him.  So when I say I hate myself am I committing suicide?

It's such a dilemma.  I don't hate myself enough to allow myself too much discomfort or pain.  I'm not keeping creature comforts like too much food and a soft bed and too much idleness from being in my life, but then I am so disappointed and loathing of myself because I've done those things.  When have I been good enough?  Which day will I have accomplished enough to tell myself, "well done?" 

There are bible studies devoted to having biblical self esteem.  Maybe I was born in the wrong time.  Maybe being born in this time when having high self esteem was the most important thing one could have makes it so noticeable that I'm different.  I certainly am not part of the YouTube generation.  I know I can't do anything.  I know that if pride is a sin, then pride is something done in a shoddy manner must be worse than a sin.

I'm searching for the cure.  I'm looking for the balance between loving myself and not indulging myself.  The balance between striving to do better and hating myself when I don't meet my own standard.  I can't get this self-appreciation from outside of myself.  I'm going to have to pull it out from within myself.  I've made some inroads to recovery by focusing on the things I am grateful to have in my life.  But even that is a double edged sword.  If I can't think of something I'm grateful to have immediately, I think of myself as being selfish and ungrateful because I know I am so blessed.

One thing I know for sure is that because I have the Holy Spirit living in my heart, I will be able  to find this love of self.  Maybe I can learn to accept this feeling of self-loathing and then remind myself I am completely loved and accepted by the creator of the universe, so what I think of me is much less important than what he thinks of me.  I don't want to set my bar lower.  I see too much dumbing down and acceptance of mediocrity to lower my standards.

What have you done to be an overcomer of this condition of self-hate?

I'm linking with Emily today at Imperfect Prose on Thursday. 


210.  Anticipation of meeting up with old friends
211.  Seeing sunshine after a gray, dreary day yesterday
212.  Daffodiles
213.  Forsythias
214.  The color yellow (it's such a happy color)

Why I despise a liar

"Watching the debate tonight will be like watching a televised meeting of the Pathological Liars Club."

"The second episode of "Half Truths, Lies and Damn Lies" tonight! Must see TV."

These are both facebook statuses from ministers to their flocks.  Maybe this is why we've moved lying from the SIN category to the IT'S OK category.

There is something about being lied to that hurts in a way that pales to the pain of a punch in the nose or a slap in the face.  It takes so much longer to recover from being lied to.  

Consider the respect given to the office of the president of the United States.  The statements from those ministers would not have been uttered, let alone, written down prior to the Watergate scandal and the resignation of Richard Nixon.  You would think we, as a nation, would have learned one thing from that whole affair.  The one thing we should have learned was that committing the crime is one thing.  Lying about it after you are caught only makes it worse.  But we didn't learn, did we?  Enter Bill Clinton and his sex scandal with an intern and the "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, ..." finger wagging admonition on national television which resulted in his impeachment.  Watching the downfall of two powerful men as a result of their lies should teach each and every one of us a lesson.  But it doesn't.

I'm thinking this must be some sort of mental disorder.  I can tell when I'm being lied to.  Don't misunderstand me, it's not because I think everybody lies.  (actually, I do think this, but that isn't what I mean here)  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.  When someone tells me something about themselves, I usually believe them.  That is, until it doesn't make sense anymore.  Let's face it, most liars think they are smarter than the people they are lying to.  There is some sort of superiority complex going on in their minds.  I don't completely understand the psychology involved.  

I know, from personal experience, that many people tell a lie to avoid the consequences of their actions.  I know when I was a child I did this.  At some point in my childhood I discovered that the consequences of my actions PLUS the consequences of being caught in the lie made my life more miserable.  I learned if I was going to do the crime, I was going to have to pay the price.  Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit living in me and reminding me of right and wrong.  (or a strong moral compass for you unbelieving readers)  Evidently not every child learns this lesson.  Recently I was lied to by my son.  He told us he was taking a college class over the summer, when in fact, he was not.  My husband and I knew he was lying to us.  We gave him opportunity after opportunity to tell us the truth.  (my husband said I gave him opportunity after opportunity to lie to me)  Finally at the end of August he confessed.  We were furious, but not surprised.  How could he think we were so stupid we didn't know or wouldn't find out?  He lives with us, for Pete's sake.  I have an extremely difficult time believing anything he tells me.  He's offended by this, but that's just the way it is.

I don't understand how an adult (is 32 years old considered an adult or is it still a part of the extended adolescence?) can tell everyone a lie about her family and her house for six months.  It was a stupid lie and doesn't matter to anyone.  Just because she didn't understand how a short sale works, I guess she thought no one else understood how a short sale works, either.  This seems to be part of the superiority complex that goes along with lying.  And, it is far from the first time she has lied to family and friends, gotten caught, confessed, and then lied again.  She is a self-confessed liar.  I get that.  When people tell you who they are, believe them.  Yet, she is comforted and forgiven for lying to her friends, ...again.  I wonder how long the long-suffering of her friends will last?  Maybe she is what is known as a pathological liar?  Maybe she just hasn't grown up yet?  Maybe the consequences of her actions haven't hurt enough?  I don't know.

Our tenants have lied to us, continuously.  And they know we know they are lying.  They just keep doing it.  Don't liars know that when you lie to a person it is so disrespectful?  The minute they begin to speak we know a lie will come out.  The minute they begin to speak we dislike them more.  It's like they think we are stupid or something.  Or maybe, it's just their nature.  

Then again, maybe we are becoming a nation that has been told so long to be tolerant of everybody that we've begun to tolerate bad behavior and call it a disorder or something.  This is kind of frightening.  We are a nation that tolerates killing the unborn.  We are becoming a nation that tolerates lying.  Where will this downward spiral end?  What are we becoming? 

Colossians 3:9-10:  Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Proverbs 12:22:  The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.

619.  My readers.  Thanks for missing me and letting me know you miss me and are concerned.
620.  Time to myself.
621.  People telling the truth.  I just love those people.
622.  Ministers that are not snarky.  I'm getting so sick of that type.
623.  Vodka.  (I cannot wait until this election is over)

Sometimes I can be harsh, but I'm not afraid of snakes

Evidently I can be harsh at times.  This was brought to my attention yesterday.  This was brought to my attention two times.  I can be harsh.

There are two ways I can look at this revelation.  One way would be to blame it on a bad day.  Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Maybe I wasn't feeling particularly cheerful yesterday.  Maybe there was a fragment of underdone potato that wasn't digesting properly.  (I believe this is from the book, A Christmas Carol, but I'm not completely sure.)  This would be one way to look at this observation of my demeanor.  By looking at this criticism of my personality this way, I don't have to do a thing about it.  I can stay just as I am and let it roll off my back.

Another way I could look at this revelation is to take responsibility for it and acknowledge that, indeed, I can be harsh.  I can accept that, at times, I am not careful of the feelings of others.  I, myself, do not get my feelings hurt very often.  I really don't live in a world of feelings.  I live, more or less, in a world of facts.  For me, things are or they aren't.  Feelings are very messy things to deal with in other people.  I find, often, that people with lots of feelings don't even understand their feelings and can't name them or identify them in any real and concrete way.  This is difficult for me to wrap my head around.

I am trying to figure out how to soften this part of my personality.  I guess saying nothing is a better response to someone than telling them to "get over it."

Yesterday a student, with the support of her parents, said she would not be able to sleep in her dorm room because she saw a snake in it on Saturday (it is now Monday).  She, and her parents, needed proof the snake was gone.  This proof was provided, in my mind, by the 24 sticky boards laid down along the baseboards of her room by the exterminator, for two nights and one full day.  I suggested this girl, and her parents, needed to "get over it."  My boss said this was harsh.  Of course, I didn't say this to the snake-phobic girl.  I said it to my boss.

I know this post does not paint me in a very favorable light.  I know my personality is exactly what is needed in times of stress or crisis.  I can make decisions at critical times with a calm demeanor.  I guess I want to learn to put on the "being nice" face when confronted with people sinking deep into their feelings and being controlled by them.  Even though I don't understand their feelings, I need to find a way to speak to a person in this situation without being harsh.

This is the tiniest snake I have ever seen

538.  People telling me the truth about myself
539.  Students willing to talk about their views on different current events (it's so fun to see how their minds work)
540.  Being acknowledged for doing a good job
542.  Being ok with writing this weak post, and hoping that someone will tell me I'm ok just the way I am and there is a place in this world for harsh people and sometimes people really need a person like me in their lives.  Just hoping.