I'd love a little cheese with my whine

Any kind of cheese.  Seriously.  I'm hungry.

I started WW on line last week.  I lost a pound and a half.  (can you believe I'm measuring by half pounds?  nuts.)  I was so hungry and that was it.  One and a half pounds.  Pitiful.

Our tenant was supposed to be out of the house yesterday.  She's still in the house.  She asked us to do her a favor and give her more time.  Why wouldn't I do her a favor?  Let's see...  Maybe I won't do you a favor because you haven't paid up all the rent you owe me.  Maybe I won't do you a favor because you've never paid me back for the DOZENS of times I've paid MetCom to turn your water back on because you didn't pay your bill.  Maybe I won't do you a favor because you have completely trashed my house.  You've made those houses on Hoarders look good to me.  You've used the back yard of my house like a city dump.  You've been storing trash in the garage.  And, I don't think you've done the dishes in a year.  So, why wouldn't I do you a favor?  You've certainly done so much for me.

Stress.  Stress.  Stress.

So now I have to go to court and have you evicted.  Btw, you want to hear how great eviction works out for the evil landlord?  I've got to go to court and file the paperwork to get you out.  Then the court assigns me a day to come back to court (read, take a day off of work) to say, "Judge, I want my tenant out of my house.  They have stopped paying rent to me."  Then, at the convenience of the county police department, an officer with an eviction notice will stop by the house and let them know they have 48 hours to leave the premises.  (I'm betting they don't answer the door.  just guessing, but what do you think.)  This may take a while.  Finally, they will accept the eviction notice and have 48 hours to clear out their stuff.

What does this mean to the evil landlord?  They aren't going to take their stuff.  Their stuff is mostly garbage.  Now the county will take their stuff and haul it out to the curb.  (I'm guessing there won't be anyone that wants to touch their stuff, but we will see.)  Guess what?  If, by some chance someone hauls the crap out to the curb, I have 48 hours to get the crap off the curb or the State Highway Association will give me a hefty citation for littering.  (I am not even kidding about this.)

Do we want to start a pool to find out when those deadbeats will be out of my house and I can start making them a distant memory?  Thanksgiving?  Christmas?  Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday?

Stress.  Stress.  Stress.

To relax, we thought we would watch some football last night.  During the game, I have to hear the political campaign commercials.  One particularly annoying commercial is Obama's "47%" commercial.  It uses the sound bite of Romney in a closed-door conversation with donors saying he isn't worried about the 47% of Americans that receive entitlements, they aren't going to vote for him, anyway.  This is played with images of working people, mostly white people, insinuating that Romney does not care about working people.  It made me sick.  It made my husband's blood pressure rise.  So much for a relaxing evening watching the game.

The stress of this situation is spilling into all areas of our lives.  I'm a stress eater and I'm on a diet.  We went out to dinner Saturday night with another couple.  Two of us (not me) got our dinner (after a considerable wait).  FORTY minutes later, the other two of us got our dinner.  During those 40 minutes of waiting I complained about the bad service to our dining companions.  I was told there was nothing we could do and just enjoy the conversation.  I tried, but evidently I was unable to put on my "happy face."  I apologized for my bad attitude and made an effort to enjoy the meal.  I wasn't successful.  I was hungry.  (btw, my husband called the restaurant when we got home and asked to speak to the manager.  he told him what happened and the manager asked him what the problem was.  evidently serving the diners at a table in two shifts is perfectly acceptable service.  who knew?)

My husband was mad at me.  I was mad at the restaurant.  We are not having a good time at our house.

If you are inclined to pray, we'd love some prayer over this situation.  And if not the situation, please pray for our attitudes.  Also, we are both huge fans of imported brie cheese.  We like most cheese, but I'd say brie is our favorite.  Just sayin'.  :)

605.  Forgiveness
606.  Friends
607.  A sense of humor (I know there is one in here somewhere)
608.  Salad
609.  Hey, I lost a pound and a half.

It's always about my weight

I don't want to believe this, but I do.  No matter what success I find in my life.  No matter what accolade I receive in my job.  No matter if my witness of Jesus moves someone to accept the grace.  No matter what, it's all about my weight.  My size.  Always.

I have had an issue with my body ever since I can remember.  In fact, I'll tell you the first time I can remember just HATING my body.  I was eight years old.  I know!  How in the world can an eight year old hate her body?  I'll tell you.  I was at a rollerskating party for girl scouts.  I wasn't a great roller skater.  I wasn't great at any sports, but I really wasn't a good skater.  I was wearing a dress at this party.  I know!  But back in those days girls wore dresses to school and they wore dresses to parties.  I remember this dress very well.  This dress was a dress that buttoned up the front, from top to bottom.  It was horizontally striped with mostly red, but also gold, green and brown stripes.  The buttons were gold.  It was sleeveless, so I wore a white mock turtle neck underneath.  There was no definition of a waist in this dress.  It was straight up and down.  It matched my body.  No waist.  Just chubby, up and down.  I was skating with my friends and having a pretty good time.  Then, the worst thing happened.  I fell on the skating rink.  I fell and every button on this dress opened up and I was trying to get up and hold my dress shut, ON SKATES.  In my mind, EVERYBODY in the roller rink saw me standing there in my white mock turtle neck and underwear with my dress unbuttoned.  I wanted to die.

How is it that a 55 year old woman can remember an incident from when she was eight like it was yesterday?

When I was 14 years old I remember my mom making me stand on the scale and telling me I was fat.  I remember looking down on the numbers on the scale, 138.  I remember my mom telling me that I should have definition in my arms.  My arms were rounded and had no definition.  I had an hourglass figure.  I never had an athletic figure.  I could have dressed up as Marilyn Monroe every day, and pull it off.  I had boobs.  I had a butt.  Are you getting a picture?  I don't think my parents were happy with my shape.  I remember my dad encouraging me to run around the neighborhood and following me in his car to make sure I did it.  I know he wanted my chest and hips to shrink into a tomboyish 14 year old body.  It just wasn't going to happen. 

I was so confused about my body.  My best friend was tiny.  She was petite and thin and my parents told me I should look like her.  But they also told me I shouldn't be friends with her.  She was Catholic.  (my dad had some kind of issue with Catholics) 

My whole life has been one diet after another.  I lose the weight.  I gain the weight back.  It's been a constant struggle.  When I was 25 years old I weighed 150 lbs on my wedding day.  I wanted to weigh 130, but it didn't happen.  I think I look pretty in my wedding pictures.  But every time I look at one, I remember, I weighed 150 lbs.  Isn't this awful?  I wish I remembered how happy I was on that day.

The battle has continued every day since then.  The other day I was thinking to myself that it was a shame there aren't many pictures of me.  No one can avoid a camera the way I can avoid a camera.  I've been known to toss pictures of myself in the trash as soon as they come to the house.  Now, with digital photography, it's so much easier to delete.  And I delete A LOT.  I catch myself people watching sometimes.  While I watch them I try to compare my size to their size.  Are there more people out there larger than me or smaller than me?  The funny thing about this is that I can't really tell.  There must be something wrong with me or with my eyes.  It is difficult for me to see my actual size.  Sometimes I look at my reflection and think, "I'm huge!  I can't go outside and let anyone see me."  Other times I think I'm ok, but need to lose some weight.  If you lined up a group of women of different sizes in front of me, I'd be hard pressed to pick out the one closest to my size.  This must be some kind of mental disorder.

So, I'll try again to lose weight.

My blog-friend Emily has written a book that has just been released about her struggle with and success at conquering anorexia.  It is called Chasing Silhouettes.  I've got it on my kindle.

I know this is the opposite of my story, but I think all eating disorders, whether anorexia or overeating, have a similar root.  I don't want to define myself by a number on a scale.  I don't want any woman or girl to define herself by a number on a scale.  We women are much more than a number on a scale or a dress size.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator of the universe.  He knew everything about us before we were even born and LOVED us.  We need to love ourselves back.

596.  Choosing to focus on the positive today
597.  Being happy my husband is going out without me tonight instead of resenting it
598.  Sunshine streaming in my window
599.  Going to bed earlier and feeling better rested
600.  Enjoying the success of others

25 things everyone should know

1.  If you don't have any money, you can't spend any money.
2.  To lose weight you have to expend more calories than you take in.
3.  It doesn't cost anything to be nice.  Compassion is a wonderful quality.
4.  If you borrow something, you should return it before you are asked to return it.  
5.  Please and thank you go a long way in relationships.
6.  When you make a promise to someone, keep it.  
7.  If something is too good to be true, it's not true and it's not good.
8.  There is always a winner and a loser and everyone in between.  Not everyone can be a winner.
9.  Being habitually late or keeping people waiting is a sign of arrogance, nothing less.
10.  A good night's sleep does wonders for your well being.  
11.  Drinking water is one of the best things you can do for your body. 
12.  Pay yourself first.  Make saving money a priority.
13.  Get some exercise.  It'll make you feel better and have a better attitude.
14.  Treat other people the way you would like to be treated.
15.  Pick up after yourself.  Don't leave your mess for someone to clean up behind you.
16.  It's a good idea to keep most of your opinions to yourself.  Opinions are like noses.  Everybody has one.
17.  Don't comment on facebook when you are drunk  
18.  Chew your food with your mouth closed and don't talk while you have food in your mouth.
19.  Telling the truth leaves less to memory.
20.  It's rude to text while you are talking to someone face-to-face.
21.  Be generous.  Give to charity or at least, pick up the check once in a while.
22.  Saying "I'm sorry" is a gift to yourself, as well as the person you say it to.   
23.  It's not a conversation if you are doing all the talking.  God gave us two ears and one mouth.  Use accordingly.   
24.  It's good to have a sense of humor about yourself.  It makes you more fun to be around. 
25.  You really are as happy as you decide to be.

There are more than 25 things people should know, but 25 is a good place to start.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

I need focus

My mind is so scattered at this time.  I'm pulled between the restoration of my home, an additional 5 lbs and lack of exercise, an additional hot flash added to my day (thanks Tamoxifen), and my performance at my job.  I need to find focus and perspective.  Instead, my reaction seems to be inaction.  Not good.

My thoughts on this are swirling around.  I'm going to take a few moments and seek some clarity as I strive to untangle the mess in my head.

First of all, I'm tired.  I've been struggling to get up in the morning and make it to work on time.  *job performance suffering*  My desire is to go to bed earlier, but when I do that, I find I'm laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and watching the clock.  *frustrating*  I've begun taking Tylenol PM and it helps.  A little.

Solutions?  I'm thinking if I restart my exercise routine I will feel more tired at night and fall asleep quicker and sleep sounder.

Problem.  I'm not exercising now and getting started is the toughest part.  Ok, ok... I hear you.  Just do it.

So, if I'm looking at this stream of consciousness correctly, exercise may be a key.  Regular exercise may help me lose the weight.  Regular exercise may make me more tired and a better sleeper.  Thus allowing me to get up on time in the morning and make it to work on time.  Ergo, my job performance gets better.

I'm thinking I may need to ask for some encouragement in the motivation department.  I'm thinking about doing a challenge.  I'm still investigating exactly what a blog challenge is and how I could integrate one into my blog and real life.  So far, I think I may do something with exercise and gratitude.  I know gratitude would certainly help me with my "poor me" attitude, in regard to my house and mess.  I need shake this off.  I think some of my insomnia may have to do with the worry of fixing things and the costs involved.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.  I know people get sick of hearing about it, so I try not to talk about it too much.  Sometimes I think it's the biggest thing in my life.  But, when I stop to think about it, it isn't.  I still go to work.  I'm still a wife.  I'm still a mother.  It isn't the BIGGEST thing in my life.  It's just the messiest.  *and I've mentioned, I don't do well in mess*

Comments and suggestions are welcome.  Seriously.  I'm open.

*sigh*  None of this will help with the hot flash, however.  My new normal is at 7:30 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. I feel the heat.  Yuk.  Thanks Tamoxifen.

Mirrors

I have just spent the last week in hotels.  I think I'm a fan of the hotel room.  I think I should make my house more like a hotel room.  I love the minimalism of the hotel room.  I love having everything I need in a small space.  I noticed all the storage opportunities and the elegance of simple furniture.  One of the things I REALLY noticed was the plethora of mirrors.  Wow!  I have spent the last week seeing myself from every angle possible.  This was not a pretty sight.  In fact, the sight of me from every angle, at potentially any time of the day or evening really put me off my food.  All I could think about was, "oh my...  I must stop eating and lose weight."

I wonder how I am able to put off looking at myself for so long and then be shocked at the reality of myself when seeing my image EVERYWHERE I looked?  I'm thinking about putting more mirrors in my house.  BIG, full length mirrors.  I'm thinking I should put them near the refrigerator.  And maybe some more by the couch.  And, another one or two in the bathroom.  Near the shower.  Mirrors do tell the truth, don't they.  Yep, I now know what people walking behind me see.  I'm so sorry people walking behind me.  I didn't realize it looked so bad back there.
 
One thing about the mirrors I enjoyed, were the mirrors on the sitting room walls at Harrah's in South Lake Tahoe.  Because of the mirrors I could see the sunset over the mountains no matter where I stood in the room.  Breathtaking.

Sometimes I think too much

Did I tell you I had a wonderful vacation.  Yes, it was very good.  Very relaxing.  All good.  I thought about a lot of things while on this vacation.  I guess that's what can happen when you have some unoccupied time on your hands.  I know I've already shared the concept of being more generous, and by starting by using some of that generosity on myself.  So, I won't rehash that thought.  Here's thought number two.

I am old.

My husband and I have been going on vacation to Daytona Beach since we were married.  You see, the first home we had together was in Jacksonville, FL.  It was easy to get to Daytona to "get away" once in a while.  We would have so much fun.  We'd play in the waves.  We'd play frisbee or catch on the beach.  We'd walk up and down the beach.  We'd ride bikes.  Fun fun fun.

Then we had a baby.  We would go to Daytona Beach because my mil lived in Ft. Lauderdale.  It was an easy trip for her to come up and visit.  We were living in Virginia Beach now.  We could drive down the coast and she would drive up the coast.  And, neutral territory, you know, just in case it was needed.  We would have so much fun with our son on the beach.  We'd play in the waves.  We'd swim in the pool.  We'd build sand castles.  We'd dig holes to China.  We'd fly kites on the beach.  We'd push the stroller up and down the beach.  We'd ride bikes together on the beach.  Fun fun fun.

Now we go to Daytona Beach, just the two of us again.  My husband plays in the waves.  My husband walks on the beach and drags me along, but we walk slowly because I'm tired.  No way will I ride a bike.  I'll sit here by the pool.  LOOK, there's a bar by the pool, let's go there!!  LOOK, the hotel has a Lazy River.  This is something right up my alley.  Where did all my energy go?  Let's take an afternoon nap, doesn't that sound fun.  Fun fun zzzzz.

Here's the third thought I had.  I want gastric bypass surgery.

I'm sick of dieting and I'm bad at it.  The more I think about food, the hungrier I feel.  I exercise, but it's more effective to consume fewer calories than burn them off.  I want the bypass and I want it NOW.  I think this may just be the thing that finally finishes this weight issue in my life for once and for all.  There.  I said it.  I've put it out into the world and there it is.  I told my workout buddy and she said, "No, don't do it.  Eat less carbs and more protein.  Eat more veggies.  Don't have those cocktails."  I need to talk to someone else.  She's no help.  I'll tell you, I've lost weight and worked out as hard as I could and I'm still too big.  And, I'm starving.  I think this is the answer.  Let the investigation begin.

Oh, yeah.  I'm tired.  I get back to work and the pile on my desk was HUGE and my inbox was JAMMED.  Welcome back.

I did the thing I didn't want to do

Yep, I did it.  I bought bigger clothes.  I really didn't want to do this.  I was hoping to diet and exercise my way back into my clothes.  I didn't do it.  They were too tight and I was miserable.  I was getting to the point of not wanting to go out of my house because my clothes were too tight.  This is humiliating to me.

(pointsincase.com)

I want to stay positive about this.  How???  I'm really going to have to do some thinking about this.  How can I put a positive spin on this huge fiasco?  Think, think, think.  (Do I sound like Winnie the Pooh?  'cause I could really use some bread and honey right about now.)


Now I can eat more.

This is the very thing I DON'T want to do.  This is the very thing I'm afraid I WILL do because I'm wearing bigger clothes. 

I can still exercise.

I can still use portion control.

I can go out and be among the people.  Now I have clothes that allow me to go out.  Maybe now that I know people can see me again I will have more motivation to diet and exercise.

I certainly feel exposed right now.  This feeling is a bit uncomfortable, but, really, anyone that is not blind can see me and knows my problem.  So, there it is.

On the positive side.  I'm way more comfortable in the bigger pants.  REALLY!

Did I fail?

Ok, I didn't get to the gym today.  I don't think I should let this lapse define me.  I can go to the gym tomorrow, or the next day, or both.  This year I will not define myself by my failures.  I know this is what I've done the past 53 years of my life, but this year is going to be different.  I'm sitting on the couch watching Biggest Loser while typing this blog.  I'm sitting on my butt.  This show has the fattest people I've ever seen on it.  If they can change I can change.  I am going to think positively about this.

I listed five items on ebay and four of them are selling.  This makes me so happy.  I'm clearing clutter.  I would like to have the beautiful homes I see in the blogs of women I respect.  I need to start shedding items in my home I no longer need, love, or treasure.  I can do this.  I read a post by a person on my newsfeed that said "if you have more than you need you are stealing from another."  Now, I don't think he was right about this.  Having more things, food, money, etc. than you need is not "stealing" from anyone.  It is, however, gluttony.  I think the shedding of excess things will go along with my shedding of excess weight.

Now, is this the road to happiness?  I don't know the answer to this.  What I do know is that good health and a clean orderly environment will open me to doing things that make me happy.