Clap along with the Dutchies Being Happy

I know it's been a long, long time since I've been on the blog..., but I just ran across this video and it is great.  Happy people dancing to Happy in Amsterdam.  I love it.  Btw, you don't have to watch all of it in one sitting.  I mean, even though I'm still out of work and have nothing BUT time I didn't watch it all at one time, but I listened to it while I was on the treadmill.

Have a HAPPY day and clap along.  :)

Confessions of a hater

I think it's time I started working on a problem I have.  I have a tendency to exhibit some self-loathing.  I sometime have hateful thoughts about myself.  Sometimes I actually say these thoughts out loud.  I am not proud of this.  I really want to stop it.  I know annoys my husband.  These thoughts come to me as soon as the alarm sounds on work days.  I'm able to push them out of my head while I'm at work, most of the time.  Maybe this is a form of compartmentalization on my part.  However, if I make an error, the negative thoughts come rushing back to my mind.  On the weekends I struggle with negative thoughts if I am not completing all the tasks I have set for myself.  The thoughts that swim around my head are always the same ones.  The list is short, but brutal. 

• I hate myself
• I am a failure
• I'm no good
• I don't deserve...(this one can be very difficult)
• Everybody hates me
• I'm ugly 

When I started this blog I was hoping it would help me combat some of this self-loathing.  I even started a Happy Thoughts page to turn the negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  So far, not so good.  I'm going to do a re-start on this project of treating myself better. 

I've always wondered how those people with such incredibly high self esteem, yet are average or even marginal at whatever they do,  manage it.  Do they feel great about themselves all the time?  Do they have moments when they question their sense of self worth?  Do they have moments when they say to themselves, "I'm a failure."  I know I don't always feel these feelings of self-hatred.  Sometimes I feel just fine.  Sometimes I'm proud of myself.  It's those moments of self-loathing I want to eliminate.   

I found a list of things to do to work on this problem.  (dontcha just love the internet?)

• I'm going to start treating myself the way I treat my friends.  I forgive their shortcomings.  I need to forgive my own shortcomings.
• I need to interrupt the negative self-talk.  I need to stop.  Breath.  Maybe turn myself around.  Anything to break the pattern.
• I'm going to talk back to myself.  Especially if I say something negative about myself out loud.  If I say, "I'm a failure" I'll reply to myself, "I'm pretty darn good."
• I need to exaggerate my worthiness.  Maybe I need to take 5 minutes out of my day to praise myself.
• I'm debating whether or not I need to search for the reason I have this self-loathing.  I don't know if it is worth the effort.  The list says to write down reasons, but I think I know.  I'm in the business of being forgiving, not looking to blame.
• Remind myself why this negative self-talk is bad for me.

I saw a cartoon in the New Yorker.  A woman was holding a lamp.  She says to her friend, "It's so me, but I hate myself."  It's good to know I'm not alone.

I grew up in Italy

Every morning I post a quotation about "being happy" as my facebook status on my Happy Girl page --->  Btw, if you click the Like button you can like my fan page and see my daily quote.

This morning I posted this quote by Bertrand Russell; "Italy, and the spring and first love all together should suffice to make the gloomiest person happy."  This quote brought my thoughts back to living in Italy.  I was so happy there.

I moved to Italy in April of 1984.  I had been married for 20 months.  My husband had been out to sea for 10 of those 20 months.  Before I married my husband, I lived with my parents.  I didn't go away to college.  I did go to college and I graduated, but I lived at home, with my parents, while I attended college.  I moved out and was on my own for three years after I graduated, but I lived close to my parents and visited often.  Now you have the Reader's Digest condensed version of my life before I moved to Italy.

Moving to Italy was the most exciting thing I had ever done in my life.  I was so excited.  I had traveled to Europe at other times, but I'd never LIVED outside of the US and I'd mostly spent my life, thus far, in Illinois.  I had not lived a very exciting life.  But all that was going to change.  I was going to live in Italy.

Let me tell you, Bertrand Russell is correct, Italy can make the gloomiest person happy.  I lived in Naples, Italy.  As far a places to live in Italy, Naples is not considered the choicest of cities.  Too bad for those that think this way.  I loved it.  The first night I spent on Italian soil gave me the experience of 30 to 40 tremors (little earthquakes).  I spent most of the night sitting on the curb outside my hotel room, in my pajamas, with the other new arrivals.  Welcome to Italy.  I didn't care.  I loved it.

My husband had to go to work immediately upon arrival, so finding an apartment fell to me.  I didn't have a job, I didn't speak or read the language, but I had time.  I couldn't wait.  I found a friend (we weren't friends yet, but we came to be life-long friends) to take me around and show me the different areas of the city.  After a couple weeks of looking and learning the lay of the land I found an apartment.  I negotiated the rent, in Italian, and signed the lease, written in Italian, and paid in Lire (this was prior to the EU).  Our apartment was in Arco Felice near Pozzuoli.  I loved it.  I Google Earthed our old apartment.  It's still there, but the area around it looks quite different.

This was just the beginning of my life in Italy.  I woke up happy every day I was there.  Every day there was the adventure of communicating with people.  Every day there was the adventure of discovering a new place to visit.  I immersed myself in the culture.  I shopped in the markets.  I used public transportation.  I visited the coffee shop every morning and practiced my language.  I loved it.

I grew into the person I am today because I lived in Italy at this very formative time of my life.  I had no contact with my parents or old friends.  There was no phone in my apartment.  Al Gore had not invented the internet yet.  Steve Jobs was still building computers in his garage.  I had to get out there and just Do It.  I had to be brave and overcome my shyness and PARTICIPATE in life.  I learned I could make mistakes and be ok.  I could make incredibly embarrassing mistakes in language and customs and not die of embarrassment.  (remind me to tell you about ordering a plate of policemen for dinner, some time)  I was 27 years old and I was making decisions and choices in my life without having to get confirmation from a parent or a friend or ANYONE.  My husband was working very hard at a challenging time for our country and needed to be able to trust me to take care of our home and take care of myself.  He didn't have time to coddle me and I didn't wish he didn't have to go to work, EVER, because it was his job that was providing this wonderful opportunity.

I agree with Bertrand Russell, if you can't be happy when you are in Italy, then there is just no way to make you happy.  Because even the gloomiest of people should be able to find la dolce vita in Italy.  If you find yourself feeling gloomy, grab your first love and rush to Italy in May.  You will find the happiness you seek.  

What makes you Happy?

I thought I'd take a couple minutes to think about things that really make me happy.  A few things came to mind immediately.  It was funny, but they were all birds.  It makes me happy to see goldfinches on my bird feeder.  It makes me happy to see hummingbirds flitting around my flowers and feeder.  It makes me happy to see a bluebird sitting on the basketball backboard in the morning.  It makes me happy to see a heron in the pond in my back yard.  Such simple things and they make me smile. 

It makes me happy to accomplish a task I've been planning to do and to do it when I planned to do it.  *sigh*  Like making tomato sauce on Sunday from all the tomatoes I froze over the summer months.  It makes me happy to floss my teeth at night before I go to bed.  It means I'm not so exhausted I'm unable to properly care for myself.

It makes me happy to know my husband is pleased with me.  To know I've helped him in some way.  It makes me happy to watch my husband laugh at something that just tickles him.  It makes me happy to see my son happy.  I love seeing my son laugh.

It's funny, if you would have asked me years ago what I thought would make me happy I think the answers would have been quite different.  I think the answers would have involved trips or gifts or outings, but now the things that make me happy are much simpler and smaller.  I'm glad they've become simpler and smaller.  I'm glad because they are easier to attain.  My happiness comes much more often now.  I can find it in my kitchen or outside my window.  I don't have to look very far to find happiness.

If you have a minute, please tell me what makes you

Fishing and waiting

I've been thinking about fishing lately.  I don't have much opportunity to fish.  I should correct this.  I live next to a storm water management pond that has fish in it, but I don't really think of going in my back yard as going fishing.  Maybe I should.  Anyway, I usually only go fishing when I visit my mom and dad in the summers in MN.  They live on a lake and my dad likes to fish.  I thought about fishing today because I called my mom and she said dad was out fishing.  She said he's been fishing every day, but he must be throwing them back, because he isn't bringing any fish in the house.

What does it take to be a good fisherman? 

I was thinking about this.  Every time my dad takes me fishing I catch fish.  When I go out on my own, I don't catch fish.  Why is this?  It's because my dad knows where the fish are.  It's not because he thinks like a fish.  It's because he knows where, on the lake, the fish like to swim.  He also knows what time of the day the fish like to go wherever they go.  He knows the lake.  It's fun to go fishing and catch fish.  One thing that makes a good fisherman is knowing where the fish like to hang out.

A good fisherman knows what kind of bait to use.  He knows what kind of fish he is fishing for, so he chooses his bait accordingly.  When we fish for crappy, my dad uses minnows.  Or a big umbrella-like lure thing that has a lot of hooks on it.  (I don't know much about fishing and he usually doesn't use that thing when I'm with him because he uses it when he's trying to catch a LOT of fish and fill his freezer and he doesn't need me getting in the way while he's doing this)  When he's fishing for bass he uses a popping lure to lure the fish to the surface.  When he's fishing for perch he uses worms.  So, the right bait is important.

Another thing that makes a good fisherman is patience.  My dad is a patient man, when it comes to fishing.  But really, who wouldn't be?  A nice day.  A pretty lake.  Quiet.  No phone. (unless he brings me with him and I bring my iPhone.  This makes him a little nuts so I try not to do it, but I love my phone)  Time away.  I could learn a lot about patience if I spent more time fishing with my dad.  Patience is important in fishing.  I saw a shirt that said "A bad day fishing is better than a good day at the office."  I think this was written by a person who enjoyed the time it takes to catch fish.  It's important to look at the waiting for the biting of the fish as a pleasant diversion.  Have patience.

I said I didn't know a lot about fishing.  Writing this post has reminded me of the joy of fishing.  I should do it more.  Maybe I should try that little pond behind my house.  I could take a little time and just be.  (but if I catch a fish my husband will have to take that slimy fish off the hook for me :))

It's my fault

Yeah, it's my fault.  I get it.

Sometimes God sends tiny little raindrops on your head to get your attention.  Sometimes the drops are bigger.  Sometimes He sends hailstones.  And sometimes they are BRICKS.

This is not a brick, but it is a golfball sized hailstone.  And this is the message I'm getting.  It's my fault.

The reason I can't print the Word documents you send to me, but I can print Word docs from EVERYBODY else in the office.  Yeah, it's my fault.

The reason I have a room booked in the campus center for a big meeting today, and I used your computer booking system, and I booked this room three weeks ago, and I saw all the emails saying food service was closed, but I didn't need food, and today I find out the building is closed and nobody is allowed to use it and I have to scramble to find another venue for my meeting.  Yeah, it's my fault.

The reason for family fighting, I get it.  I am not a member of the family and the sound of my voice on the phone and the configuration of my words in an email requesting information from you was galling.  I get that, even though, I've been married to your brother for 29 years and I've met all the members of your family more times than I can count, I was intruding in a private affair and my help was neither needed or wanted.  Yeah, it's my fault.

I think of the verse in The Bible, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3.  I'm examining my motives.  Yeah, I have culpability here.  I could have sent in the work request for the printing issue.  I could have connected the dots and guessed that when there is not food service the ENTIRE building will be closed.  I could have mentioned to my husband, in a nicer way, that his sister was beginning to fray at the edges and we should back off.  (I saw the signs and I told my husband she was a mean girl instead of pitying her and acknowledging her grief).  Yeah, I have a plank in my eye.

Step 4 of Alcoholics Anonymous:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  I've been focused on this step from AA and I see my moral failure.  I see my need to assign blame.  I need it to be someone's fault.  And, when I am accused, I defend.  Especially when I believe I am NOT at fault.  I don't know why this is in my character, but it is.  I will work on this.  I need to learn to be ok with things "just happening."  No fault assigned.  It just IS.  And, I need to learn to move forward and not waste time looking backwards to assign blame.  There is another verse in The Bible, "Brothers and sister, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead," Philippians 3:13.

Ok, enough soul searching and self-examination.  Let's enjoy the weekend.

Ryan Gosling

It's glowing spring

I just LOVE this time of the year.  The trees are beginning to glow green.  They aren't in full leaf, but in tiny buds.  The branches just radiate spring.  The daffodils are pushing out of the dirt.  The crocuses are littering the grass with purple and white and yellow flowers.  You see them and aren't sure if they are flowers or trash.  So, you look again and smile.  A flower.  This time of year gives me hope.  Hope that I can be new and get a "do over" for all the bad choices I made after my broken resolutions.  Hope that this will be the year I'll get rid of all my clutter.  Hope that I will be a better secretary.  Hope that I will drop a few pounds and tone some muscles.  Hope, just plain hope.  And, it feels good.  I'm going to enjoy these spring days.  They are precious and few in the mid-Atlantic.  Summer can burst forth at any second, so... we have to enjoy the getting while the getting is good.  I just LOVE this time of year.

What's up with the Happy Thoughts tab?

If you've opened the Happy Thoughts tab, you've probably wondered, What the heck?  Let me explain.

One of the ways I've been working on myself in the pursuit of Being Happy is to change negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  I'm sure this is not an issue for most people, but for me it is a difficult thing to do.  I can't tell you why I have a tendency to focus on the negative.  Or, why the glass is usually half empty for me, but it is.  I haven't always seen this trait of mine as a negative.  I used to think this trait helped me find all the mistakes or flaws in a person, situation, or myself and gave me the opportunity to fix them.  Over the years I've found this tendency of mine to find the flaws or to be suspicious of the intentions people have is hurting me and reinforcing a negative view of the world. This negative view of the world and the people in it makes Being Happy harder than it needs to be.  I want to change this about myself.  I want to see the positive in people.  I want to see the positive in situations.  I want to Be A More Positive Person.

How is this accomplished?

After much conversation with professionals in the mental health biz I have learned that positive thinking is a choice.  This is so surprising to me.  I did not realize we can choose our thoughts.  I just thought thoughts happened.  I have learned to notice when I have a negative thought, I can take that thought and turn it into a positive thought.

Now, this is not going to be as easy as it sounds.  In my pursuit of Happy Thoughts I decided to jot down the positive thought that is the opposite of any negative thought I may have while I was working on my blog.  Hey, it's a start.  This, I hope, will help you understand the randomness of the Happy Thoughts.

This is a brand new concept for me, so you will have to cut me some slack in this area.  I've been Debbie Downer for 53 years.  Change isn't going to happen overnight.  But, let me tell you something that happened to me the other day.  I had a brief chat with a woman that works in my building about a conversation I had just had with a new VP in my building.  My take on the convo was to be suspicious.  This VP had just asked me what I did over my Christmas break.  Did I have family come to visit?  Where did my family live?  Am I close with them?  My brain was spinning.  What did that person want from me?  What was she trying to get from me?  what what what?  When I spoke to my friend, she said the

Most Amazing Thing.

She said the convo about my personal life was most likely an opportunity to get to know me better.  Most likely because we had gotten off on the wrong foot when she first started working in our building.  I was shocked.  This thought had not and would not in a million years have occurred to me.  This woman was just trying to be friendly.  What a concept.

Being friendly...Seeing the positive in a situation...Turning my negative thoughts about people and situations into positive thoughts.  I Can Do This.

I hope this explains the Happy Thoughts tab.