Why I'm still working

I had put a countdown clock app on my iPhone.  The title of my countdown clock was "I Quit."  I was totally and completely ready to quit my job and I had decided that June 30, 2013 was going to be the day.

I'm still working.  Even I need to take a minute to sort out why I'm still working.

If I think about it, it all started back in April.  In April the college I work at discovered the new student enrollment for fall '13 semester was going to be 1/3 less than they had budgeted for.  Another way to say this is, they were $3.5 million short.  There was PANDEMONIUM.  What were they going to do?  Where were they going to find the money?  Why did this happen?  Were they going to have layoffs?  Were they going to ask for early retirements?  So many questions...

I stayed through all this HOOPLA because of one thing.  If there were going to be offers of early retirements there were going to be cash bonuses to take the early retirement.  I thought it would be silly to miss the opportunity to get a bonus and just take the early retirement.  So I waited...  The early retirement thing did not pan out.  Bummer.

While I was waiting to see if the bonuses panned out, a better job opened up and I was qualified for it.  So I applied.  This job paid a 1/3 more than I am making now and it had fewer responsibilities.  My fingers were crossed.  If I could make more money, I'd have an easier time getting up for work in the morning.  After all, isn't money the reason we go to work?  I told my boss I was applying for the job and I asked for a reference.  I figured a reference from my boss (who had just been promoted to CFO of the college and was in the capacity of Acting President) would carry a little weight.  So I waited...  I waited quite a while (more than 2 weeks) and then discovered they didn't even offer me an interview.  Evidently, in their eyes, I was not qualified for the job.  I WAS PRETTY DARN ANGRY.  In fact, I was so irritated that I sat down and wrote my letter of resignation.  I wrote it.  I printed it.  I signed it.  And, I carried it upstairs and handed it to my old boss.

Ok, I need to take a couple minutes to update you on a few things that were going on at the same time all this waiting and whatnot was going on.  First, they fired the president of the college.  And then they fired the VP for Admissions at the college.  Who else was going to fall under the axe?  Also, I told you my boss had been promoted, so I don't currently have a boss.  We are in the interviewing process for finding my boss, but they haven't hired anyone yet.  Oh, and btw, one of the candidates for my new boss is a co-worker of mine who is extremely qualified.  But, no, they didn't just want to promote him.  They wanted to spend thousands of dollars to fly in possible candidates from hither and yon.  Then, they hired my co-worker.  I have a new boss.  Finally, while this was all going on, they asked me to move out of my office and move into the basement.  (sounds a lot like Office Space, doesn't it?)  They told me this on a Friday and my move date was the following Wednesday.  Awesome.

That's why I had to say I carried my letter of resignation UPSTAIRS to my old boss.  I now work down in the basement and my new boss had not been hired yet.  Anyway, the date I put on the letter as my last day was August 8, 2013.  I was DONE!  When my old boss took the letter he was not happy.  He asked if this had anything to do with the fact that I had asked for a raise in January, written up a new PD and duty list in March, and he had said he would move forward on this and then had done nothing at all.  (oh, did I tell you he got a $100k raise in his new position? awesome.)  I said yes.  Yes it did.

He asked me if I would wait a couple days and he would go to HR and see what he could do about my raise.  Fine, I said.  So I waited...  A week later I'm told that HR told them they could not reassign my position in a way that would allow me to get a raise.  BUT..., would I continue working for 3 or 4 more weeks until the NEW HR director they just hired is on board and in place.  Looking at my job description and seeing about my raise would be the first thing this person will do.  My NEW boss said he would make this his TOP priority.

Too late to make a long story short.  This is why I'm still at work.  I can tell you this whole evolution has been quite a roller coaster.  I have been left exhausted and wrung completely out with all this rigamarole.  The only good thing I can say about this is that either way it goes, whether I stay and have a raise or a quit and stay at home, I will get exactly what I want.

I think I'm in a very good place... even if it is the basement.

337.  I like my new boss
338.  It's super air conditioned in the basement.  I'm wearing a sweater
339.  Being in the basement helps me focus on the positive
340.  My favorite blogger is blogging again
341.  Tomatoes are EVERYWHERE
342.  BLTs
343.  Surprisingly balmy weather for the end of July and beginning of August
344.  Dreaming of traveling to Prince Edward Island (and seeing where Anne of Green Gables lives)
345.  Smiling just a little more

A day on Lake Tahoe

My husband and I took a cruise on Lake Tahoe today.  I took some pics today and made an attempt at photo blogging.  I don't have a cool camera, but I'm learning how to find the light.  I hope you enjoy this.

The lake was like glass, but it was foggy

Fortunately there was alcohol available

The fog began to lift

Emerald Bay

Historic home (I can never see this house from the scenic overview on the highway)

Now that the fog lifted you can see why they call it Emerald Bay

247.  A gorgeous day on the water

248.  Thinking about the end of my vacation and being ok with going home

249.  Remembering that this is the day we remember our lord died on the cross

250.  Knowing that Jesus knew everything there is to know about me and still died for me

Controling my thoughts

Last week I wrote about one of my difficult truths about myself.  I wrote about a struggle I have to love myself, here.  It was tough to write it out.  Thank you to those who commented in commiseration, and I feel for you because I know how much it hurts, and to those who commented in encouragement by reminding me and reinforcing my knowledge of God and my relationship with him.

I learned a lot about myself and where I fall on the "normal" scale by publishing that post.  I was happy to receive feedback and I can accept it and learn from it.  I wonder, however, if there were readers that didn't comment, but understood my feelings.  Of course, I'll never know for sure.

I've been giving a lot of thought to my thought process lately.  First of all, it's a shame that I don't think about myself more highly than I do.  Yet, nobody out there is going to be able to accuse me of being conceited or big-headed about myself.  Secondly, I don't believe we can sin in our thought life.  I believe we have to act on our thoughts in order to actually sin.  I have never acted out against my body or myself in regard to my loathsome thoughts about myself.  And, even though I may think that I hate myself at least once a day, I am still fully functioning in my life.  I'm going to work.  I'm taking care of my family.  I'm interaction with society.  I am a person that needs to check myself now and again to be sure I'm not sinking into a depressed state of mind.  After all, I'm on Tamoxifen and Tamoxifen has been known to cause depression in some people.  Finally, I know that our thoughts can lead to actions and those actions could be sinful actions.

Proverbs 4:23, "Above all, be careful what you think because your thoughts control your life."

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Even the eastern philosophers knew that our life is controlled by our thoughts.  If you correct your mind the rest of your life will fall into place.  Lao Tzu

It's hard to do this.  Yet, because I've been reborn and have the Holy Spirit in me, I know it is possible.  There are tangible things I can do to change my thought process.  I searched the internet and found some ideas, both by secular psychologists and by theological teachers.  I wrote a few suggestions down and I plan to use this list to work through my mind altering process.

• Don't dwell on the past.  Everyday is a new opportunity to make great things happen.  Dwelling on past actions, after asking for forgiveness and making amends, keeps a person from living in the present.


• Don't think negatively anymore. This seems almost impossible to me.  Yet, it's what I want to do.  I want to think positively.  If I begin to think a negative or loathsome thought of myself or someone else, I can remind myself to think of a positive.


• Put my focus on the future.  Put my focus on what I want to do.  Believe that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).  I need to keep reminding myself of what can be accomplished and stop focusing on failures.


• Meditate on the positive.  Pray prayers of thanksgiving for all the blessings I have.  Meditate on the promises of God.  Do as Paul said in Philippians 4:8 and think about the pure, the lovely, and the commendable things of this world.


• Give up the word failure from my vocabulary.  There is success and learning opportunities.  There is no failure.


• Keep trying.  Don't give up on this process of changing my thought pattern.  I can correct my mind.


• Think big.  Give myself over to God's use.  Don't minimize what I think God can do with me just because I'm not thinking big enough. 


• Pay attention to my thought process.  Notice the frequency of adjusting my negative thoughts to positive thoughts.  Note the frequency of thinking or meditating on positive future events versus remembering negative past events.  Take time after meditation and prayer to notice the effort it took to pray prayers of thanksgiving over prayers of confession and humiliation.  Pay attention to my thoughts.  They are what control my life.

*An added note to this post shows what a slow learner I am.  I found this post I wrote back in January '12.  It's basically this same post all over again.  When, oh when will I get it?

220.  Knowing when my will and God's will are in line, there is nothing I cannot accomplish
221.  A beautiful weekend in Old Town Alexandria and wonderful conversations with old friends
222.  Watching my son continue to grow into a competent and confident man
223.  Having a plan to change my life
224.  Serving a God of second chances (and third and forth...)
225.  Looking forward to my small group bible study and friends that love me for who I am

I'm a Titus 2 older woman

Here I am, the Titus 2 older woman.  Even I can't believe I'm here.  My whole adult life I thought of myself as the Proverbs 31 woman.  I guess one can be both, but that's asking an awful lot of just one woman.  Even though the bible doesn't speak of the women as often as it spotlights the men, the verses directed towards us are chock-full of action items.

Here is a condensed version of what the Proverbs 31 woman is.  (this is the model God has for us girls.  ladies, hold on to your hats.)

The character of the Proverbs 31 woman is to be:  confident, courageous, dignified, diligent, an early riser. faithful, generous, industrious, influential, kind, moral, not lazy, observant, organized, prudent, reverent, sensible, one of strength, trustworthy, well groomed, and wise.

Her skillset is to include the textile arts, where she is to be creative, know handspinning, be knowledgeable in textiles, and have sewing skills.  She is also to be skilled in the culinary arts as the purchaser of choice foods and supervising meals.  Her management skills should include:  attention to detail, common sense, knowledge of home businesses, being a wise investor, observant, organized, taking the role of the overseer, being philanthropic, prepared, realistic, showing stewardship, being successful, teaching, and just all around wisdom.

Finally, her relationship with her husband should be one that shows appreciation for him, has his best interests at heart, be one of trust, full of praise for him, and be one of unity.

This, my friends, is a full-time job.  Oh?  What is that you say?  You have a full-time job outside of the home, too?  Just remember to take your vitamins.  Your going to need the energy.  Luckily, or not (depending on your point of view), you get seven days off each month to sit in a tent or cave on your own while you have your period.  (I hope I didn't offend anyone by saying "period,"  Especially Richard, the fb ranter of maxipad commercials.  check it out.)

One day you will wake up and discover you have become the Titus 2 woman.  Just when you got a handle on being the Proverbs 31 woman, wham, life takes a turn.  I can tell you, the day comes (about 25 years into your marriage) when the relationship with your husband has become such a close partnership that each and every one of the recommendations in Proverbs becomes as natural as breathing in and out.  You notice that you've gotten a handle on the home management thing, too.  (especially now that those sticky handed toddlers and non-driving teenagers have left the nest.)  You think you've checked the box.  But, No.  God has a new job for you.

Titus 2:3-5  "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the Word of God."

This is my new biblical admonition.  If, by any chance, you find yourself in my shoes and have discovered you are now a Titus 2 woman, remember this; just because we are able and capable to train the younger women, that doesn't mean they're going to listen to us.  And, if by any chance, you are a younger woman doing your best to follow the Proverbs 31 model; take a moment to ask a Titus 2 woman what she thinks or how she handled some of marriage's, motherhood's and general life living situations and struggles.  Believe it or not, things have not changed that much and there may be some wisdom between those older ears.

God knew what he was doing when he wrote these two passages.  Iron sharpens iron.  Experience is an excellent teacher.  One great thing about being in fellowship with other christians is to seek out wisdom and life long experience of walking this life with Jesus and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us instead of the latest parenting trend or following the lifestyle trends of the Hollywood set.

Allow me to introduce myself as one of the newest Titus 2 women on this earth.  I know God has said (and I paraphrase), "You have not, because you ask not."  Feel free to ask me anything.  :)

Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.

619.  Loving in a long marriage

620.  Raising a loving son

621.  Walking with Jesus for many years

622.  Being forgiven much

623.  Learning from Godly older women

624.  Caring about the next generation of christian women

Best of my blog: Can you play Monopoly without tears?

I’m still taking a little break from writing this week.  Here is another rerun of a favorite post you may have missed.  I watched a documentary on Monopoly called Under the Boardwalk: the Monopoly story.  There wasn't too much crying or name calling and it was very entertaining and informative.  I learned that my family isn't the only family reduced to fighting and tears in a Monopoly game.  It streams on Netflix if you want to check it out.  I'm not completely caught up on my work, so enjoy another oldie, but goody.


Not at my childhood home.  No way could a game of Monopoly go to completion without tears.  Sometimes the tears were mine.  Sometimes the tears were my brothers'.  Sometimes the gaming board was tossed and the money scattered.  Competition.  I grew up in a competitive family. 

I'm a competitive person.  I like to win.  Of course, I'm not a sore loser anymore.  I'm a grown-up now.  But, I know the feeling of Wanting To Win.  What's the point of playing the game if you don't want to win?  I know it's "just a game," but everyone wants to win.  Don't they?

I think they do.  I know some people say they don't care if they win or not.  (btw, we aren't just talking about Monopoly now)  I don't believe them.  I think it's an excuse for losing.  Or an excuse for not trying their best.  I think these same people often quit trying.  They may not scatter the money to the floor, but they walk away.  They won't play anymore.  They stop trying.  They quit.  And you know how the old saying goes, "quitters never win."

I'm reading a book recommended to me by a reader (hi Lynn).  The book is Born To Win by Muriel James.  It is full of exercises to guide you in focusing on the roles we unconsciously play out in our day to day lives.  It is teaching me about the way I relate to people without thinking and then helps me focus on my thoughts and behaviors when dealing with other people.  It is teaching me to think like a winner.  I haven't finished reading the book yet.  I will keep you posted.

My husband thinks like a winner.  Here is an example of his winning thinking.  If you've read my blog, you know we like to go to Atlantic City every now and then.  There are some very bright lights in AC that are paid for with money from losers.  Yep, LOSER'S $$.  People go to places like AC every day of the year with the attitude of losing.  They say to themselves, "I'll bring $100 (or any amount) to gamble with, and when it's gone, I'm done."  This is the attitude of a loser.  They are planning to lose.  They don't even consider winning.  They are setting themselves up to fulfill the prophesy they predict for themselves as they put the money they plan to lose in their wallets.

Winners don't think like this.  They plan to win.  Of course, it's still gambling, so there is no guarantee of winning, but they plan to win anyway.  Winners plan to gamble with a certain amount of money, as well.  Here is where the similarity stops.  Instead of gambling mindlessly, a winner will watch the fluctuation of the "luck of the draw."  They will bet more when the luck is on their side of the table and bet less when the luck has moved away.  They are playing to win.  They have an attitude of a winner.

Losers always think the winners are beating them.  Losers don't get the fact that they are defeating themselves.  No one is a born loser any more than anybody is born to win.  Losers blame and winners take responsibility.  There will always be competition in the world, but the most important place we need to play to win is in the way we live our lives.  Think like a winner.  After all, every loves a winner.

 

Btw, if you think this post is about you, it is.  Stop being such a loser.  :) 

520.  My small group bible study is just... wonderful
521.  Leftover eggplant parm, so I don't have to cook tonight
522.  Talking to my mom and hearing about a nice dream she had
523.  Continuing to catch up on work
524.  A job to have work to catch up on 

Who is the failure?

Last night my son was eating his dinner at the kitchen table, I was sitting on the couch watching the RHOBH and sipping on a vodka and tonic, and my husband was sitting on the couch playing with his iPad.  Then my son says to me, "I think, you think I'm a failure."

I'm going to guess that many of my readers are thinking I must have been devastated by these words.  To be completely honest, I wasn't.  (just a minute, let me pull this knife out of my chest and get a tissue for all this blood.)  I will say, however, it stung a bit.

This summer has been a HUGE learning opportunity for me.  You know what God Oprah says, "The universe (aka God) is always trying to get your attention. Sometimes it starts out -- any major problem you encounter -- as a whisper. By the time it gets to be a storm, you've had a pebble knock you upside the head; you've had a brick; you've had a brick wall; you've had a house fall down. And before you know it, you are in the eye of the storm. But long before you are in the eye of the storm, you've had many warnings, like little clues."

The first thing about whatever it is that I'm supposed to be learning began with the trip to MN to visit my parents and ALL the family.  This was a big learning opportunity.  I learned that no matter what I do I will never please my father.  Seriously, even if I do exactly what he asked me to do and I do it completely successfully and I do it better than even I could imagine it being done, it isn't good enough.  Even if I (and my brothers) take the money my father insisted with use to form an investment group.  Invest the money and actively try to grow this investment.  Even if the purpose of giving us this money was to try to control his children and force them into having to interact with each other as adults, whether we wanted to do this or not and believe me it hasn't always been easy but in the end we have figured out how to get along and manage the money and our relationships and it only took 15 or so years.  And we Did It!  And, he's not happy about it.  No "good job" or "you did it" or "you are great kids" or even "you didn't screw this up."  Nothing.  Silence.  Well, not silence, because I've heard some snide comments, but you know what I mean.

My husband wonders why I always consider myself a failure or find the problems in anything I do or say, even if it seems like I was successful.  I can always find my mistakes or find things I think I could have done better.  I have to tell you, these overwhelming feelings of failure don't just come a couple times each week.  They come over me any time of the day.  I can be walking into the bathroom to get ready for work and I see knik-knaks sitting on the windowsill that I've thought to myself, "you know, you should sell that stuff on eBay" and then I'll see the things sitting there, not being sold on eBay and I'll think to myself (and sometimes even say out loud), "I'm a failure."  This happens so often during a day, even I can't believe it.  For some reason I have convinced myself that anything I think I should do is something I should do and if I haven't done it and if I haven't done it better than I think anyone could do it, I'm a failure.

I don't think my son is a failure.  I told him, "I don't think you are a failure."  He hasn't failed at anything, yet.  I told him he hadn't really done anything yet either, but he was still young and had time to succeed or fail at whatever he chooses to do.  Somehow I have been a great success at reflecting my father's opinion of me onto my son.  I continued trying to be encouraging to my son and tell him over and over that I don't think he is a failure.  While I'm trying to say encouraging things, my husband is translating what I'm saying to my son, so he can hear it in a positive tone.  (is the irony of my screen name and blog name showing?)  Who knows if my son can even hear anything encouraging or positive from me anymore.  Maybe after 25 years of listening to the sound of my voice, maybe "pass the salt" sounds like "you're a failure" to him when it comes out of my mouth.

I believe God is showing me the how and why of my personality and showing me clearly, that I need to work on positivity harder and stronger than I've been working on it.  I thought I was getting more positive.  And, maybe I have.  Maybe I wouldn't have noticed how negatively my father behaves if not for becoming a more positive person.  Maybe my son wouldn't have had the courage to say those words to me if not for noticing I've become a more positive person.  Maybe...  maybe...

I know I don't want to get to the point of being in the eye of the storm.  I don't even want my house to fall down on me (I've been close enough to that when the tree fell on my house).  Those words from my son's mouth last night were definitely a pebble hitting me in the head.  Yeah, it hurt a little.  It hurt enough to get my complete attention.  Being encouraging.  Being positive.  Being Happy.  These are the important things to be.

480.  My son and his honesty
481.  My son and his love for me
482.  My son and his trust in me
483.  My son and his faith in God
484.  My husband for translating my words and tone for my son to hear

Mark Stivers 2004

Keeping my eyes open for Jesus in my life

I've been toying around with the idea of starting a meme or link-up or whatever you want to call it about sharing how we have seen or had contact with Jesus in our week.

So, what do I mean by this and why does it interest me?

I've shared about being in a small group bible study now and in the past.  To be perfectly honest, I've been in a lot of bible studies.  I like them, but lately, I'm not finding them very satisfying.  I want to be challenged to be living my christianity and not just reading about it.  This hasn't been the easiest thing for me to do, since I went back to work, full time.  I remember back when I was a sahm and I taught adult sunday school classes on Sunday morning.  The class was mostly couples with at least one spouse working and sometimes both.  The working members of the class were never prepared.  Typically, they had never opened their bible.  They expected to show up and just share their thoughts without any prep.  This used to annoy me.  (remember me, the rule following ISTJ)  Now I'm the one working 40 hours a week and struggling to get my lesson done.  However, getting my lesson done isn't the thing I miss most about my walk with christ since working full time.  I miss noticing how Jesus was working in my life on a daily, or at least, weekly basis.  Back then, I was looking for answers to prayer or doing faith based service work or just plain, hanging around with other christians.  Now, not so much.

When someone asks me why I believe that Jesus is my savior or why I'm a christian (and this hardly ever happens, but once in a while it does) I'd like to give a personal answer and have a recent encounter with Jesus to share with them.  I don't want to spout bible verses or theological dogma.  I want to share experiences of Jesus working in my life or changing me or convicting me or blessing me.  I don't want to get up in everyone's business.  I don't want to know what horrible sins they've been forgiven from or what horrible situations they want their husband or wife freed from.  I mean, I'll pray for people's needs, but I don't want to be a voyeur into their lives.  But, I guess I do want to know how they feel freed and empowered by forgiveness of sin.  I want to know about a situation containing a struggle with making the ethical choice over the easy choice came about.  I guess I want to hear and be encouraged by people choosing to do What Jesus Would Do over what they would typically do.  And, more to the point, I want to notice when Jesus intervenes in my life during the work week and I make a decision that is a decision or action Jesus would have made over one I typically would have made.

Do any of you think this is something that would be interesting and uplifting and encouraging to people that read blogs?  I read blogs from people that seem to see Jesus in their lives every day.  I'm just trying to find a way I've let Jesus have a hand in my life once a week.  Do you think I'm alone in this search?  Do you think there are other christians out there that have too much World in their lives and not enough Jesus?  Maybe I'm way off and this isn't the way Jesus works in people's lives.  I'm open to any and all suggestions

I was thinking of calling it Finding Jesus Fridays.  Maybe I'll try it for 10 weeks and see what happens.

445.  Meeting with my small group bible study and seeing some good friends off as they return to their home
446.  A relaxing weekend with movies and without golf on tv
447.  Looking forward to my husband coming home on Friday
 

I can't be the only one who burps when they drink beer

Friday, after work, I had to have a drink with my boss and two other co-workers to "celebrate" the completion of three days of intensive meetings about master planning at the college I work at.  Why do I call it "celebrating" and not celebrating?  I'll tell you.  Nothing says, "I appreciate all your hard work these past two weeks" like staying an hour after quitting time on a Friday and drinking beer with your boss and two co-workers.  I'll tell you, I would have rather been allowed to leave an hour early.  Oh, did I tell you, I had to go out and buy the beer and snacks on my lunch hour.  Yippee!  I was tempted to use my boss's credit card to buy my lottery tickets, but I can't do something like that.  (but I thought about it and I did buy 10 tickets and I didn't win anything)

So, we are sitting outside on a Friday afternoon (evening, it's after 5 pm.) drinking Heineken and munching on Chex Mix.  (I'm fancy)  We chat about how great everything went this week.  We are super awesome hard workers.  (wow, this is SO much better than getting a raise)  We are a great TEAM!  And then the chat turns to personal stuff.  I hate talking to my work people about my personal stuff.  I just don't want them to know too much about me.  I don't like feeling judged if what I'm doing sounds stupid to them and I don't like being snubbed if what I'm doing sounds like I'm "showing off" or living beyond my means.  Seriously, you cannot win in these conversations.  Anyway, my boss said he was going to a club on Sunday to listen to a group called Asleep at the Wheel (free plug.  I was not paid for this link in any way) and suddenly I had to burp, but I didn't want to burp so I tried to hold it in, but it came out of my nose in a *snort*.

Now, as background info for all of you that have never met my boss, I'll give a quick description.  My boss:  stick in the mud, super up-tight, absolutely unaware of any popular culture, VERY east coast pseudo-intellectual, outdoorsy in a bird-hunting and fishing kind of way, and he sails.  Do you get the picture?

We're drinking Heineys, for pete's sake.  Anyway, my boss says to me, "so Happygirl, do you have something you want to say about this?"  I don't, so I look down at my feet.  He doesn't let this go.  "Come on, Happygirl, if you've got something to say, say it.  What, don't you think I go out once in a while?  Do you think I don't like to have fun on the weekends?"  Brother, I think, I don't care what you do on the weekends.  In fact, I don't even think about you on the weekends.  I don't say any of this.  Instead, I keep looking down.  Then I say, "I burped and it went up my nose."  Really?  You've never heard a lady try not to burp before?  I can't wait to get out of there.  Embarrassing.  This is why I don't like hanging with my boss and co-workers.  Nothing good can come from this.

Has this ever happened to any of you?

I'm driving home from work after this and I'm thinking to myself, "Crap, I'm an idiot."  I should have told him to give me a minute to say "excuse me" or something.  After all, I wasn't raised in a barn.  I do have manners.  He just jumped all over me and then I felt stupid.  Yep, this is what I do to myself on the drive home.  I rehash and rehash and wish I would have thought of something clever to day and, generally, feel bad about myself.

Does anyone else do this?

And then I start thinking that none of this would have happened (and we are talking about a burp going up my nose) if I hadn't had two beers.  If I'd only had one beer, everything would have been perfect.  It's all my fault.  I'm a burping fool because I had two Heinekens.  So now I'm blowing this whole thing up in my mind and thinking I drink too much.

I know this sounds super nutty and you don't have to admit it, but if you've ever blown a little burp incident all the way up into a full-blown, I need to get into recovery because I cannot control my bodily functions when I drink two beers scenario, please let me know.

My husband came home Saturday night.  I told him about this on Sunday.  He said, "What a jerk."  The end.  After considering this evaluation of the event I decided to agree with my husband.  My boss said a jerky thing instead of just ignoring the burp.  Seriously, has he never had a beer before?  Drinking beer = burping.  Natural function.  Get over it, already.

90.  Husband home again
91.  Chatting with my mom on the phone on the way to work
92.  Relaxing weekend and getting nothing of substance accomplished
93.  The return of Mad Men (I had to wait until my husband got home to watch the season premier)
94.  Roasted turnips
95.  Sleeping with the windows open at night

You don't get a trophy for trying when you're an adult

I grow very concerned for our nation while I watch a generation come of age without the skills needed to succeed in life.  Somehow the Millennials, those born about 1980 through 1995, have come to believe that the trophy they were awarded in t-ball some how signified success.  And that success was determined by the mere fact that they participated in said t-ball.  AND, the only reason they participated in the t-ball was because their parents took them to the t-ball game and paid for the trophy.  Somehow this false sense of achievement percolated through their formative years in school and extracurricular activities.  Along with this false sense of achievement has come an increased attitude of helplessness.  When confronted with a challenging task now that they are adults, the effort isn't put forward.  And why should it be.  After all, in t-ball, all you had to do was show up.  And, if you didn't show up, it wasn't your fault.  It was mom and dad's fault.  After all, you couldn't drive yourself to t-ball.  Mom and dad had to bring you there.

This generation has been crippled in a sad way.  It is difficult for me to feel compassion for them when confronted with the whining and complaining.  Yet this really is a very sad situation.  If I push past the whining and look at the bare bones of these adults I can see some real deficiencies and indulgences.  The one deficiency that jumps out at me is the dearth of competition with their peers.  This generation had to look for their heroes and bar setters outside their classroom or team sport or other extracurricular.  Comparing kids to kids was not allowed.  This may hurt someone's self esteem.  Unfortunately, they found their heroes in professional athletes or movie stars or whatever.  Since there was NO WAY they could compete in any real way with these individuals, the competition was removed from the immediate activity.  It wouldn't be fair if one child was better at something than another.  We don't want anyone to feel bad about their performance.  After all, they tried.  Competition was removed from the equation in their formative years.  Sadly, competition has not been removed from the real adult grown-up world.  These folks are unprepared.

This generation has also been crippled by the indulgence of ever available praise and assistance.  There have been so many programs devoted to this generation.  There were extra teachers in the classrooms.  There were reward programs geared for just "showing up" to class.  Every "disability" was viewed as a special need and more responsibility was removed from the child.  The only way a child was "special" was if there was a learning or behavior problem.  Gee, who doesn't want to be special now?

So what happens when these GenYer's grow up?  How do you feel proud of yourself when your best efforts amount to mediocrity?  How do you train yourself, as an adult, to work hard enough to achieve excellence when you've never been rewarded for doing so?  How do you train yourself to seek excellence in a world that doesn't care enough to tell you, you aren't good enough?

I guess you can get that tattoo or that facial piercing to feel special.  But, how about trying harder?  How about giving your work your VERY BEST effort?  How about trying to be the best instead of just getting by?  In the real adult grown-up world, your boss isn't "picking on you" when you don't get a excellent performance evaluation.  In the real adult grown-up world, your performance means more than promoting yourself on twitter or facebook or your website.  In the real adult grown-up world, most people DON'T get a trophy.  Only the winners get trophies.

I'm grateful for
51.  Complete recovery from my three week ailment
52.  A desk full of work to keep me busy
53.  A co-worker in the mood to bake cookies
54.  Finding a connection with my son and having a couple really nice chats
55.  Vacation planning
56.  Tulips in a vase on my kitchen counter
57.  The first paid advertisement on my blog  

Being happy is super important

Is it important to be happy?

I've heard some people say they don't think it is important to be happy.  I've heard people say it isn't worth the effort to try to be happy.  I beg to differ. 

Yahoo answers most popular answer says:

Happiness is the greatest sensation we can feel. Man has always striven to feel happy and almost everything we do now as a society is so that we can feel happy as individuals. Being in a sate of happiness puts less stress on our bodies and can even bring us better health. Generally, happy people live healthier and even live longer. The need to feel happy is what keeps our world in check and out of a state of total chaos and mass destruction.

I think it is pretty important to be happy.  I certainly think it's worth striving to be happy.  I absolutely believe happiness is within our grasp.  And being happy is certainly better than being unhappy.

Some misconceptions about the pursuit of happiness are that other people can make you happy.  Or, money can make you happy.  Or, things can make you happy.  I don't believe anything or any person can make you happy.  As far as distinguishing happiness from joy?  Well, I think this is an exercise in semantics.  I don't think a person who considers themselves unhappy would say they are joyful.  I think happiness is a decision I make every day.  I find happiness in my life every day, because, every day, I find purpose in my life.  I think a life devoid of purpose can be a very unhappy existence.  Maybe this is why some cannot find happiness and therefore, minimize its value.

In Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl speaks of focusing on what is possible.  He says to focus on the great things you can do and don't think about the things that are making you unhappy.  Don't focus on the haunting dark thoughts, but focus on the dozen great things that are possible for you.  These great things will be your creations.  These creations will only be possible if you create them.  You create the great things in your life.  This is one of the ways man can produce meaning in his life.  Frankl says, when the emotions work in terms of values, the individual can feel pure joy.  Man needs to have meaning in his life to feel the happiness we all desire.  Frankl's experience while imprisoned during the Holocaust taught him it was the striving and struggling towards a goal worthy of him that gave him the sense of well being that a tensionless life could not.

Being happy is good for us, physically.  We feel better when we are happy.  Laughing is good for the body, as well as the soul.  Studies have shown that happy people are less likely to catch a cold when exposed to a cold virus.  Happy people are also less likely to catch the influenza virus.  Amazing.

Happy people make the world a better place.  Happy people are less likely to be criminals.  Even happy people with weak characters or poor values are less likely to harm other individuals or engage in anti-social behavior.  If more people chose to pursuit happiness, the world would be a better place.  I think our founding fathers understood this concept.  They put it in the Declaration of Independence as an unalienable right endowed on us by our creator.

I think the Yahoo answer guy got it right.  Being happy is super important.  It's worth the effort.

Can you play Monopoly without tears?

Not at my childhood home.  No way could a game of Monopoly go to completion without tears.  Sometimes the tears were mine.  Sometimes the tears were my brothers'.  Sometimes the gaming board was tossed and the money scattered.  Competition.  I grew up in a competitive family. 

I'm a competitive person.  I like to win.  Of course, I'm not a sore loser anymore.  I'm a grown-up now.  But, I know the feeling of Wanting To Win.  What's the point of playing the game if you don't want to win?  I know it's "just a game," but everyone wants to win.  Don't they?

I think they do.  I know some people say they don't care if they win or not.  (btw, we aren't just talking about Monopoly now)  I don't believe them.  I think it's an excuse for losing.  Or an excuse for not trying their best.  I think these same people often quit trying.  They may not scatter the money to the floor, but they walk away.  They won't play anymore.  They stop trying.  They quit.  And you know how the old saying goes, "quitters never win."

I'm reading a book recommended to me by a reader (hi Lynn).  The book is Born To Win by Muriel James.  It is full of exercises to guide you in focusing on the roles we unconsciously play out in our day to day lives.  It is teaching me about the way I relate to people without thinking and then helps me focus on my thoughts and behaviors when dealing with other people.  It is teaching me to think like a winner.  I haven't finished reading the book yet.  I will keep you posted.

My husband thinks like a winner.  Here is an example of his winning thinking.  If you've read my blog, you know we like to go to Atlantic City every now and then.  There are some very bright lights in AC that are paid for with money from losers.  Yep, LOSER'S $$.  People go to places like AC every day of the year with the attitude of losing.  They say to themselves, "I'll bring $100 (or any amount) to gamble with, and when it's gone, I'm done."  This is the attitude of a loser.  They are planning to lose.  They don't even consider winning.  They are setting themselves up to fulfill the prophesy they predict for themselves as they put the money they plan to lose in their wallets. 

Winners don't think like this.  They plan to win.  Of course, it's still gambling, so there is no guarantee of winning, but they plan to win anyway.  Winners plan to gamble with a certain amount of money, as well.  Here is where the similarity stops.  Instead of gambling mindlessly, a winner will watch the fluctuation of the "luck of the draw."  They will bet more when the luck is on their side of the table and bet less when the luck has moved away.  They are playing to win.  They have an attitude of a winner.

Losers always think the winners are beating them.  Losers don't get the fact that they are defeating themselves.  No one is a born loser any more than anybody is born to win.  Losers blame and winners take responsibility.  There will always be competition in the world, but the most important place we need to play to win is in the way we live our lives.  Think like a winner.  After all, every loves a winner.

 

Btw, if you think this post is about you, it is.  Stop being such a loser.  :) 

Contrived

When one wants to become good at something, one is encouraged to practice.  Right?  I've mentioned that to become proficient at something you have to spend 10,000 hours doing it.

So, is it contrived to blog often?  If you are a blogger and you want to become good at blogging or even if you don't want to become good at blogging, you just want to improve your writing, you write.  If you want to write poetry, is it contrived to write a poem every day?  If you want to be a wonderful chef, is it contrived to cook every day?  If you want to be a wonderful actor or lawyer, is it contrived to tell lies every day?  (just kidding, not really, yes I am, no I'm not.)

There seems to be a trend of thinking out there amongst the younger folks, that one is BORN being talented in some area or another.  I'm guessing, and I could be wrong, but I don't think so, this trend of thinking comes from observing teen pop stars like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift and (from the olden days) Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.  There is a trend of thinking that believes these folks were born talented and luckily, became RICH and FAMOUS.  And, the thinking continues, if it happened to these folks, it could happen to me, as well.  I mean, aren't I talented?  My high-school art teacher said I showed some talent.  And, I saved all the pictures I drew in high school and they must be worth hundreds of dollars now.  And, I play the guitar some and, even if I don't play every day, I'm still as good as any rock star and I deserve to be rich and famous, too.  I think there may be a disconnect with the fact that these LUCKY pop stars didn't graduate from high school and spent ALL their time singing or dancing or both and there was a lot of hard work involved and there were parents giving up their time and energy, as well.  But, ... who's thinking about that.

Practicing is thought of as contrived.  I guess the words or the music or the art or the cooking or the arguing is supposed to flow through a person organically.  Anything of any worth or value comes out of the person without rehearsal.  If the music or the art or the cooking or the arguing has been practiced or rehearsed, it is contrived.  In my point of view, this is just being lazy.

Practicing, especially when you don't want to do it, is what makes you proficient at whatever it is you want to do well.  It not only gives you the opportunity to do your thing 10,000 times, it teaches you to have the discipline to keep working at whatever it is you want to do, even when it becomes tough to do.

If I want to be a better writer, I need to write every day.  Even when I have a tough time thinking of a topic to write about.  Even when the topic is something that isn't so much fun to write about.  If I want to become a better writer, I need to write.

2011, you flew by so fast

January
I quit the church.  I quit the church lady bible study.  I wanted to quit my job.  Tried to get back into an exercise routine.  Started taking Tamoxifen and started blogging with the purpose of seeing my thoughts in black and white and seeing what I could do to become a happier girl.

February
I became introspective about my responsibility for my own happiness.  I decided to change negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  I had a confrontation with my boss about his responsibility to back me up in some of the decision making I needed to do to do my job, properly.  I struggled to adjust to the lousy side-effects of Tamoxifen.

March
I began a 40-day yoga exercise.  I discovered I'm not a huge fan of yoga at this point in my life.  I decided to forgive the church ladies.  I forgave them for me, not for them.  I later discovered, they weren't quite done with me.  Maybe I'll tell you about it some time.  My mother-in-law passed away.  I think this is when the year started getting super tough for our little family.

April
Silver prices soared to a long-time high price and I started selling silver.  I sold silver for my husband and for my father.  I made a few shekels and maxed myself out of my favorite hobby, eBay.  I got a handle on my job and became much more content at work, even though there were no raises for us again this year.  (5 years without a raise.  yuk)

May
Osama Bin Laden was eliminated.  I continued my struggle with the side-effects of Tamoxifen.  I struggled with the testing for possible uterine cancer.  I went on vacation to Daytona Beach.  I learned a lot about myself this month.  The biggest thing I learned was that I treat myself cheaply.  I decided to make a change in this regard.  I am important and deserve to be considered in all decisions I make.

June
I continued selling silver on eBay.  I became more accepting of myself and my body.  I accepted the hot flashes and night sweats.  This is my new normal.

July
I went to San Diego, CA for the 4th of July.  It was a great vacation.  I decided I want to move to San Diego when we retire.  It was HOT in the mid-Atlantic.  REALLY HOT.  I continued on my self-acceptance journey.  I, kinda, love this.

August
I froze peaches and made pickles.  Our family traveled to Indiana to lay my mother-in-law to rest.  Things didn't go smoothly with the siblings, but in the end, we came together and did the thing just right.  I finished the long ordeal of testing for uterine cancer and learned I was cancer-free.  :)  We suffered a tree through our roof and my son's car was crushed by a tree as a result of Hurricane Irene.  :(

September
I went to Reno, NV for the Tailhook convention.  We struggled with the insurance company and contractors to get our home and car repaired.  This took up most of the month.  Sorry.

October
We continued the house repair.  My job became extra challenging.  Mold caused two residence halls to be shut down and the college hired a cruise ship to house the students.  I learned more about maritime law and mold than I ever wanted to know.  My son totaled his car by hitting a telephone pole a mere two weeks after getting it back from being repaired from having a tree land on it.  But, grandma had left him a green mustang convertible and he wasn't injured too bad.  Lucky.

November
I started going to church again.  I got involved in a small group bible study.  I reconnected to my faith and I'm starting to trust church people again.  I've always trusted God, but his people make me nervous.  Most of the house repairs are complete.  Just one window replacement to go.   We went to Williamsburg, VA for Thanksgiving.  All three of us.   

December
I prepared for and celebrated CHRISTMAS.  I mean, if you are the mom of the house, what else do you have time to do?

It's good to see the highlights of the year on one page.  I see it's been almost a year since I've been with my parents, so I better schedule a trip to Illinois.  Yes, 2011, you were a challenging year.  I learned a lot about myself and my family.  I learned when the going gets tough, our family can handle it.  I'm very proud of us.  I think 2012 is going to be great.

What I've learned from blogging

As I wrap up this first year of "blogging with a purpose" I'm taking a moment to reflect on this process.  What have I learned by blogging?

One thing I learned about myself is I can be disciplined.  I looked back at this year and I see I was pretty darn consistent.  My desire was to discipline myself to write a post four or five times each week.  I wanted to do it, and I did it.  This is very encouraging to me.  It shows me when I put my mind to do something, I can do it.

Another thing I learned about myself was my journey on Tamoxifen went better than I thought it would.  It was good to have a place to write down my feelings about how my body and my thought process was being effected by the drug.  I was told Tamoxifen can cause depression in some people.  I think seeing my feelings and complaints written down in black and white kept me from letting thoughts BLOW UP in my mind to a degree much greater than they actually are in reality.  I think the writing process allowed me to vent some feelings into the void and not sit and stew in them.  It also gave me a time-line to follow my progress on the drug.  I think this not only helped me, but it helped me relay my side effects to my doctor and, I feel, blogging improved the level of health care I received.

I discovered some very kind people out there in the blogosphere.  I have some very faithful readers and I've received much encouragement through their comments.  I've had family reading my blog and received a couple compliments.  (this is a bigger deal than you may think.  my family is not known for complimenting each other.  not the greatest way to interact, but this is the way we are.  I'm making efforts to change this in myself.)  I've met a couple bloggers in person through this process and my life is richer for it.  I've found blogs and bloggers through this experience that have taught me much.  I don't think I would have found their blogs had I not become a blogger myself.

I grew in my faith through bloggers I discovered through blogging.  It was good to find other bloggers with a strong faith.  Bloggers working through tough things that can happen any one of us as we walk this earth and reading about them leaning so hard on Jesus through it all.  They inspire me.  It was so good to find believers not looking for what they could "get" from a church (read; beg for money) and looking to "give" through church.  These bloggers gave me a sliver of hope for the church in the world today.

I've become a better writer through blogging.  The discipline of nearly daily writing changed the way I think about my writing.  I added more detail.  It forced me to look at the situations I was writing about from, not only my point of view, but the point of view of my reader and whether or not I was making myself clear in my writing.  Since I don't have images on my blog, I need to make my words tell the story.  I need to be descriptive.  I think it helped my proofreading, too.  If need be, I'm going to use this as a training exercise for my job.  :)

Writing this blog has been a very positive experience for me.  It's been wonderful to be open and "out there" with my feelings, the good feelings and the bad feelings.  Nothing good can come from hiding in your house and only sharing with sycophants and children.  I took the risk and shared my thoughts with ANYONE who chose to read my words.  I learned from both the criticism and the compliments, alike.  I can't think of anything I would have done differently or wish I wouldn't have written.  My only desires would be to learn to take better pictures, get more tech savvy and keep improving my writing skills.  These are all doable.  I am so looking forward to 2012.

My break, from work, begins tomorrow.  I, most likely, will not be posting until after the new year.  Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Eat the frog

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."  Mark Twain

This is my new credo.  Eat the frog.

To maximize my productivity at work and at home I do the most important, most challenging, hardest, most unliked task of my day first thing in the morning.  I look at it as a test for myself.  I don't even think about the challenge, I just dive in and get it done.  Yes, I'm a GTDer.  I find, even if I don't accomplish everything on my list of things to do, I still feel a great sense of accomplishment because I've completed a difficult and important task this day.  I've started doing this at work and it has made a huge difference.

I'd like to make a new year's resolution to exercise first thing in the morning and have that be a frog on my plate.  I know, I know...  I've said a lot about exercise and haven't followed through.  I think I'm in a big club on that point.  I've often had big plans for the new year and hope to turn over a new leaf.  I'm doing it again.  I'm not giving up on myself.  

I'm going to eat the frog.  Then then the rest of my day will be cake.  Right?

www.eatthatfrogmovie.com

My small life

I've been reflecting on this year of blogging as 2011 is drawing to a close.  As I think about it, I realize, I live a pretty small life.  By this, I mean, I have pretty small wants and desires.  My dreams for my life are pretty small.  I don't think a small life is a bad thing.  In fact, I think if I were to choose the life I would have, I would choose this life I'm living with very few changes.

I know I've done a lot to make my life the small life it is.  I've decided I want to buy local foodstuffs for my family and shop in local stores.  We have a Walmart in our town.  In the 16 years of it's doors opening, I've entered this store less than a dozen times.  It's just not where I choose to shop.  There are a couple new chain department stores in my town and I haven't been in them yet.  Clothes shopping isn't my favorite diversion.  I buy all my produce at a local farm.  I buy my meat from local farmers.  I buy my eggs and cheese from local farmers.  This is a decision our family has made.

Because of the "buying local" food thing, I have to cook my meals at home.  Going out to a restaurant is a rare occurrence for my family.  It's not that we can't afford it.  It's that we choose to eat the food we have already purchased and eat at home.  I am so grateful for the internet and the various cooking blogs out there.  There are so many homesteading blogs with women choosing to can and preserve summer bounty.  I find so much inspiration out there in the blogosphere. 

I don't wear the most fashionable clothing.  This works out well for me, as I don't attend fancy parties and events.  If I do have to attend an event, I find something in my closet I have worn before and it gets another night out on the town.  I don't feel bad about this.  The reality of the situation is, the clothes I wear to work don't make me do a better job and the clothes I wear to a party don't make my personality any more sparkling than it already is.

I don't redecorate my house very often.  I'm satisfied with the furniture and decor I chose early in my marriage and have made it work for every house we have lived in throughout my husband's naval career and second career years.  It's so much fun to think back to the days when our kitchen table served as an end table and to remember the compliments we received on our various homes.

My husband wanted to expand my life this past year by traveling more.  We went on a lot of vacations this past year.  I have to say, it was a bit tough on me.  I'm not ungrateful.  I love travel and I had a great time on each trip.  Maybe if the hurricane hadn't broken my house I would have had an easier time being away from home.  I don't know.  I felt a bit disconnected and pushed for time to get my house fixed and back in order.  There are still quite a few things that need to be fixed and organized.  I'm looking forward to my Christmas break to get some jobs done around the house.  Maybe this means I'm a "homebody."  I don't know.

My hopes and dreams for my family are small, as well.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to be a contribution to society and to be generous to those in need.  I want my son to be able to live independently and to like his job.  I want to teach my son how to make his money work for him while he is working to earn his money. 

The most important people in my life are family.  I wish my mother lived closer to me, but she would probably want my father to come with her and I like him just where he is.  I have wonderful friends.  They are interesting and fun to hang around with.  My entertainment needs are small and my son has introduced me to Netflix streaming.  It's not great, but there is a TON of South Park on it.

My job is pretty small.  I'm a secretary.  And, I've recently discovered, through an "ALL STAFF" email from the president that I'm a non-essential employee.  It appears of the approximately 250 staff members where I work, only 18 of them were deemed essential and given raises.  Evidently, my boss is one of the essential employees.  Gee, I wonder if I helped him out at all?  I guess he did great all on his own.  *He's Awesome*  (sarcasm)

So, there you have it.  I love my life.  It's been fun to share a bit of it with my readers and even meeting a couple of you.  I'm looking forward to 2012.  I'm looking forward to sharing more of my life's journey with you and focusing on being happy on the journey.

kevinsmicrohomestead.wordpress.com

Is it Thanksgiving or black Friday?

I've never been a fan of the black Friday.  I don't like the crowds.  I don't like the pushing and shoving and waiting in line.  That being said, I've become a fan of the Thanksgiving midnight madness.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to participate, I want to gawk.  I have had the pleasure of strolling through the mall or outlet mall parking area looking at the people in line around the block to get into a store to save an extra 10% on an item that probably won't be appreciated and will most likely will end up costing 25% more because of the finance charges of the credit card company.  It's a spectacle that amuses me and saddens me, simultaneously.  This Thanksgiving evening, most likely, I will go and watch.  I will think about the dinner I ate this day while I walk and fool myself into thinking I'm exercising.  I will see the people in their pajamas, participating in a promotional gimmick.  I will see children awake and up way past an acceptable bedtime and observe them being trained in overspending and developing an entitlement mentality.  There will be thousands upon thousands of people participating in the madness.

My desire is to forgo the madness.  I don't want to be sucked into the whirlwind of the holiday frenzy.  I remember a day 21 years ago.  I lived in Monterey, CA.  It was during the Gulf War.  I felt so blessed.  My husband was in PG school and not stationed on a ship in the Gulf.  He was home with me and we were celebrating Christmas as a family.  We were sponsoring an Israeli  family.  The dad was in the Israeli Air Force and the mom was a stay at home mom, like me.  They had a little girl, I had a little boy.  One day we walked into town to walk the children and have time out of the house.  There were Christmas decorations all around and Christmas music playing.  The mom asked me a pointed question.  It was her first time in the U.S and she asked me, "Isn't Christmas a religious holiday?"  I looked around.  I couldn't see any evidence of a religious aspect to this holiday.  Here I was, an American Christian talking to a Israeli Jew and I couldn't explain the lack of religious identifiers anywhere around me.  And, this was 21 years ago.  And, this was in a country at war.  My Israeli friend was worried about SCUD missiles being rocketed into her country.  The fear of her friends and family being attacked with poison gas.  It made me a little sick to think I lived in a country where so many people weren't even thinking about the war and weren't thinking about the significance of the holiday they were celebrating.

We are now 10 years past 9/11.  We have been attacked on our soil.  Our country is at war, again.  I believe we are even further into the abyss and even more intentional in our ignoring of the religious significance of the holiday we celebrate.  I'm afraid we, who believe, may be becoming quieter and quieter about our beliefs.  We don't want to upset anyone.  We want to be tolerant.  We want to blame the government and the banks for our greed and impatience.  We want what we want when we want it.  I want to stop this madness, at least I want to stop it in my house.

What do I want for Christmas?  I want my house back together.  I want a closer relationship with my husband and son.  I want a closer walk with my Lord.  I wonder if these things can be wrapped and set under the tree?  I'm going to try.  I think my next Christmas project will be to send Christmas cards to wounded soldiers.

If you would like to reach out to a wounded hero this Holiday Season, here is a great options that will ensure your card makes it to a wounded warrior who needs to know someone cares.  (IMPORTANT NOTE:  Please avoid sending anything with glitter--it tends to get everywhere, of course, even in wounds and bandages.):
Send your cards to Soldiers' Angels.  They will be included in Holiday gifts for wounded warriors and hand-delivered at major military medical centers and VA facilities across the country:

You only have a few days left for this Christmas.

Soldiers' Angels

Cards for the Wounded

4408 N. PanAm Exprwy

San Antonio, TX 78218

Trusting God is even better than sweetbreads

Trust.  Trusting.  Trustworthiness. Who can I trust?  When should I trust?  So many questions about trust.

We all know that trust is earned.  No one would trust someone they just met.  I saw a commercial on tv the other day, and, of course, I don't know what it was about because I wasn't really watching it.  It showed a guy handing a briefcase full of money to a stranger on the street and then asking this stranger to watch it for them while they went into a building for a few minutes.  The point of the commercial was this; not one of the strangers asked to watch the briefcase full of money, took any of the money.  Yet, your bank, whichever horrible untrustworthy bank, you keep your money is STEALING from you every day with fees and charges.  OK, I get it.  We shouldn't trust banks or financials anymore.  But, I don't trust strangers on the street not to steal from me, either.  I am absolutely sure I would not trust a stranger on the street and I pretty sure I wouldn't trust someone I knew, either.  Everyone has a tipping point.  Some people out there have a lower threshold of trustworthiness than others, but the bottom line is, nobody is completely trustworthy.

Jeremiah 17:5-12 says; Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord." (stuff about a shrub in the desert) “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord." (stuff about a tree near water and fruit)  The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? ...  I know there are a lot of sick hearts out there in the world.

This brings me back to the question of who to trust.  The Bible is pretty clear.  It tells me to trust God and not to trust other men or even myself.  Btw, I have lied to myself before, so I know I'm not trustworthy, even to myself.  I am supposed to trust God.  Here's the rub.  Trust is earned, right?  In order for me to trust God, I have to learn to trust God by letting God earn my trust.  I'm sure I can find many verses in the Bible telling me to trust God.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says; Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Psalm 31:14-15 says; But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand;

Psalm 118:8 says; It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.

I could go on and on with Bible verses.  My point is, at least for me, reading Bible verses does not build my trust in God.  I need to experience God's faithfulness to build this trust.  And this is a risk.  To be honest, I haven't always felt comfortable taking this risk.  Yet, I have been comfortable trusting myself or others, even when I've been let down by others and myself.  Heck, even my own eyes have betrayed me, as in, "officer, I didn't even see that STOP sign."

I think trusting God is a risk.  I know this is not the Christian way to think, but it's how I think.  I KNOW trusting God is what I'm supposed to do, but it is scary.  God doesn't (read NEVER) think the way I think.  Nor does God want the same things for me, I want for me.  This is just the way God is.  However, I'm learning even though the things I want are good, the things God wants for me are best.  And, sometimes, the things aren't exactly what I'm looking for.  I'm learning God does not cause hurtful things to happen to me when I trust him, but he allows them to happen.  Things like sickness.  Things like mental illness.  Things like hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis.  Bad things happen in the world.  Bad things happen to good people.  Bad things happen to people who do good things.  Doing good things does not mean God is going to keep bad things from happening.  (btw, sometimes good things happen to bad people, but this is another discussion)

I'm learning, in order to develop trust in God I have to start trusting God.  I have to check God out.  I need to give up my stuff to him and see how he does.  I have to give him all my stuff.  I have to give him my good stuff and my crappy stuff and see what he does with it.  This is scary stuff.  To boil it down, it goes something like this.  God created me, he knows everything that is going to happen to me, he let me be born anyway, he loves me, but he knows bad things can happen to me because I live in a sinful world, but he has overcome the world and I just have to stick with him and tell others about him and his son and then he will take me to paradise.  I think I'm going to give this another try.
 
Psalm 34:8 says; taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. 

So, I'll give God a taste.  I think it's going to be like the first time I tried sweetbreads.  I knew what they were and it didn't sound good, but they tasted delicious.
 

sweetbreads

Choose wisely, Grasshopper

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck."  Dalai Lama

"A goal properly set is halfway reached."  Zig Ziglar

These quotes are two ways of looking at getting what you want in life.  They both address the same issue.  Choose your goals or desires for life thoughtfully.  Below are seven questions to ask yourself when setting and working toward what you want in life.

1.  What do you want?

Life has an abundance of opportunities for you.  You are limited by your choices.  Choose well.

2.  Why do you want that?

Check your motives.  Choices motivated by immoral or unethical foundations will not fulfill or satisfy you.

3.  What stops you?

Identify and examine the obstacles in the path between you and your choice of opportunity or desire.

4.  Why is it like that?

After identifying the obstacle, take the time to examine and obliterate it.  Often your obstacles will be internal.  You may need to overcome your fear or change your belief system about what you are able to do.

5.  How have you been perceiving this as a problem until now?

What has been stopping you until now?  Look at the path to your desire from all directions.  Maybe there is a direction you haven't considered yet.

6.  What would you like to believe?

After thinking about the obstacles in your path and after thinking about what needs to change to obliterate the obstacles, consider how your life will be without the obstacles.  Are you ready to take the actions needed?  What will you believe about yourself?  Are these thoughts empowering and positive?

7.  What would happen if you could?

Look into the future.  Imagine your life after achieving your goal.  You may find fear in your future imaginings.  You may see a fear of success.  Examine this and accept this fear.  You will be ready for it when you face it.

Good luck in choosing your goals and achieving them.  :)