I've got nothing to do today but smile

I am now retired.

I feel good and bad at the same time about this turn of events.  No one is more surprised by these conflicted feelings than I am.  I'm learning so much about myself.

I remember that in June 2012 I told myself I would work for one more year.  I loved the way I told myself that story.  It made me happy.  It gave me something to look forward to.  Every time I completed a task on the annual calendar I would tell myself, "Hooray, that's the last time I'll ever have to do that."  It felt like I was checking a box.  And being the strong ISTJ that I am, checking a box feels like success.  I continued through the fiscal year completing task after task, just waiting for June 30, 2013 to arrive.
 
June 30, 2013 arrived and I didn't quit.  Nobody was more surprised about this than I was, but there were extenuating circumstances.  I wrote about some of them here and here and here.  So there is no need to rehash this whole mess.  Oh, btw, the college I USED to work at is still accepting applications for fall 2013.  (classes begin on September 3rd.  hurry up all you slackers, there is still a place for you this overpriced public institution.)

I am happy.  I mean, I've finally stopped hitting myself with a hammer.  I'm out of a situation that was pretty toxic for me.  I really was never able to buy into the mission statement and mindset of the institution.  I tried to appease this in myself by just doing my job and not getting involved in the culture of the institution.  I wasn't able to keep my feelings completely to myself and ended up not winning any popularity contests.  There just weren't enough conservative capitalists on campus for me to hang around with.  (there were a couple, and we were friends.  hi girlfriend!)  I worked for a guy that believed that making money and talking about how you do that, was vulgar.  Making money in the stock market, on eBay, and renting real estate were my favorite hobbies.  (btw, it was ok to chat about killing birds, his hobby.  not gross at all.)

I am happy.  Now I can do all the things at home I wished I was doing while I was at work.  My lifestyle isn't going to change because I don't have this job anymore.  (well, sadly, I am going to let my house cleaner go today.  it would just not work for someone to come and clean my house while I'm at home.) 

So, you may ask, why am I not so happy I cannot stand myself?  I guess the first reason is because of my ISTJ personality type.  Yep, I'm my own worst enemy.  I'm a duty fulfiller.  It would have been easier for me to have a couple weeks to tie up all the loose ends of things I was working on.  Instead and because I had already submitted a letter of resignation with a date of August 8th as my last day, they accepted my resignation yesterday and gave me 2 weeks pay in lieu of 2 more weeks of notice.  I need to accept that those things I was working on that I hadn't finished yet, aren't my job anymore.  They don't want me to finish them.  I need to give up the ownership I feel for the work I did.  I don't work there anymore.

My husband tells me he went through this same process when he retired from his job.  He's an ESTJ.  I know it will pass.  Today is just the first day.  The way that my resignation was accepted was done in a strange way.  (I really need to write about that, but I think I need a day or two of distance because it was done in a pretty hurtful way.  a couple days may help me see the humor in it.)

So I'm turning a page.  I'm walking through a new door.  I'm entering a new phase of my life.  I've gone from being a child, to becoming a college student, then a working single adult, to a Navy wife, which turned into a stay at home mother, to a working mother, and then a working empty nester, to what I have now become... retired.  Thank you to all that have held me in prayer during this transition.  I'm ready to do this retired thing the best way I can.  I am accepting any and all suggestions, cyber hugs, real hugs, and hope, strength and experience out there.

To quote Paul Simon, “I've got nothing to do today but smile.”

I'm linking with Emily today at Imperfect Prose because I'm happy, but scared. 

441.  Waking up without an alarm clock
442.  Drinking coffee in my pajamas on a Wednesday and I'm not on vacation
443.  Writing my blog at home
444.  Thinking about my future
445.  Hearing people tell me they will miss me (for a little while)
446.  Thinking about what I want to call this stage of my life (I'm not sure I want to call it retirement just yet)
447.  Allowing myself to feel these feelings (it's not something I typically do)
448.  Being encouraged by my husband
449.  Not having to plan a going away lunch for Sleeping Beauty (his last day is a week from Friday)
450.  Trusting that I am in the center of God's plan for me

Love, you just KNOW it

I read a question on an MBTI forum the other day.  It was from a guy and he said he was an ISTJ.  He asked how you know when you're in love.  His question was flooded with responses from all the personality types out there and the most common answer was, "When you are in love, you just KNOW it."

I listened to a radio show on a christian radio station last night, as I was driving to my small group bible study.  It was about parenting your adult daughter and how to deal with her strong feelings of love and desire to marry whomever she has these feelings for because, "When you are in love, you just KNOW it."

I remembered a day, 23 years ago, I was having a conversation with my brother.  He was about to be married and I wasn't going to be able to attend his wedding.  I was ill with Bell's Palsy and I lived 2000 miles away from where the wedding was to be held.  I told him I may be able to get myself to Chicago to attend the wedding, but I was in a lot of pain and I couldn't guarantee I would feel well enough to leave my hotel room to attend the wedding once I was there.  I told him I would have plenty of opportunities to spend time with his new bride and get to know her.  My brother was upset about this and said, "Oh HappyGirl, you just don't know what it is like to be in love."

When I read the question from the ISTJ young man questioning the status of his relationship, I understood him completely.  Not all of us just KNOW when we are in love.  Not all of us are overwhelmed by intense feelings of love.  I know when I met my husband and was involved in a relationship with him, I kept waiting for the feelings that would let me know I was in love with him.  I wondered what they would feel like.  I liked my husband, a lot.  I looked forward to his calls and talking to him on the phone about nothing, really.  I looked forward to my trips to Jacksonville, FL to visit him and I looked forward to his visits to Chicago.  I remember thinking to myself, before my husband asked me to marry him, that this guy would be a good guy to be married to.  I thought we could have a good life together.  I thought we had a lot in common, but enough differences to keep life interesting.  Is this what "being in love" feels like?  I didn't know.

I've always wondered about the feelings of love.  I love my parents.  I've listened to people who have lost their mother or father and they are devastated.  I wonder, to myself, will I be devastated at the loss of my mother?  I talk to her on the phone, every day.  Will I be grief stricken because I love them so much?  If I'm not grief stricken, will that mean I didn't love them that much?

ISTJ's as lovers.  ISTJs are committed, loyal partners, who will put forth tremendous amounts of effort into making their relationships work. Once they have made a commitment to a relationship, they will stick with it until the end. They gladly accept their duty towards fulfilling their role in the relationship. ISTJs are generally willing and able to do anything which they have defined as a goal. So, if maintaining a good relationship is important to the ISTJ, they are likely to have a good relationship. If they have not added this goal to their internal "list" of duties, they are likely to approach the relationship in their "natural" state, which is extremely practical, traditional, and structured.

This is how I love.  I have to say, on paper, this looks pretty boring.  I love in a practical, traditional, and structured way.  I wanted to answer the ISTJ guy's question and tell him he is in love if he decides he's in love.  When he decides he's in love, he will just know it, because he's made the decision.  I wanted to tell the mom that her daughter sounds like a feeler and feelers do things with no contextual basis.  They just DO stuff.  I wanted to tell my brother, 23 years ago, that I DO know what it's like to be in love.  I am in love with my husband.  I had been married to my husband for seven years and we had a two year old son.  I knew what love was.  I was living it.  I'm lucky, I'm married to an ISTJ, so neither of us expect any great outbursts of feeling, happy or sad.  We adore doing things we have asked each other to do.  We don't mind if there is no big surprise or outpouring of emotion.  In fact, that would probably make both of us pretty uncomfortable.

So, you will never see my fb status say, "I wish my husband didn't have to go to work, EVER!"  I don't get jealous and I'm not clingy.  In fact, I wonder if he wonders the same things I wonder, like, "what does he see in me?" and "what does he love about me?"  Maybe we all, secretly, wonder this sort of thing.

Counting my gratitudes every day
374.  Being accepted for who I am
375.  Being understood for how I am
376.  Being loved for just being me
377.  Knowing Jesus is the same MBTI type as me
378.  Knowing my feelings are there, I just don't have to let everyone know about them

I'm not God, but I work for him

I typically think of myself as a good worker.  I like to do a good job and get things done just for the sake of getting them done.  This pleases me.  I makes me feel good about myself.  I adore organization.  I love nothing more than organized files and a calendar that makes perfect sense.  I love to follow through on an agenda.  I love to get my bills paid and invoices filed.  I like an empty in-box at the end of the day.  I am thrilled when my "to-do" list is completely checked off at 5:00.  I don't like to think about work, when I'm not at work, because I haven't left loose ends hanging about and ready to fray.  I'm not a fan of clutter and disorder.  I despise undone chores.  I struggle to understand people who say they are going to do something, and then never seem to get it done.  Listening to people say they need to do the same work over and over again completely frustrates me.  I always think, to myself, make a plan and get it done.  This is how I am. 

When I see these things written down it makes me wonder who it is I work for.  Do I work for myself?  Do I get enough satisfaction out of a job done well and getting paid for it?  When I am working, do I do things well because I like them done well?  Or, do I work for my boss?  Do I work well to keep from getting reprimanded or, worse, fired?  Or do I work for my family?  Do I earn money and carry insurance to keep them safe and secure?

This week I'm on my own, at work.  You know what they say about vacations at work?  If you don't, I'll tell you.  They say, you get two vacations at your job:  your vacation and your boss's vacation.  Anyway, my boss is on vacation.  Yet, I have a deep need to do a good job and not slack off (too much) while he is away.  It just doesn't feel right.  It's just not who I am.

While I was thinking about why I am the way I am, this bible verse from Colossians 3:23-24 came to my mind.  It says, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."  I don't think these verses mean you have to be doing church work or missionary work to be working for God.  I think this has more to do with attitude, because in verse 22 Paul is talking to slaves. 

Then I remembered that Adam and Eve were given work to do in the very beginning of the world.  In Genesis 2:15, it says, "The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it."  This reminds me that we are meant to do work. 

Even more to the point is what Paul says in Thessalonians 3:10-12, "If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work but busybodies. Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their own work quietly and to earn their own living."  Boy, this makes me feel much better about my work ethic and makes me wonder why our government thinks we have to take care of all the slackers out there.  I'm not talking about the poor, I'm talking about encouraging a life-style of having a hand out begging for entitlements.

I'm doing my work and I'm doing my work to the best of my ability.  I feel good about myself when I put in a good day's worth of work.  It makes me happy to think while I am working, I'm not only being obedient to God, but I'm working with an attitude as working for God.

351.  Learning to do another part of the job (since a co-worker has left and hasn't been replaced, yet) with an attitude of interest and willingness

352.  People willing to teach me and help me when I forget what they tried to teach me

353.  Xerox service and a quick response to a broken copy machine

355.  Peace and quiet without the bosses around 

356.  Peace and quiet to focus on learning a new budgeting system

Linking with Em at Imperfect Prose on Thursdays.

 

Potential problem areas

I'm tough on myself.  I know my son doesn't believe it, but I'm way tougher on myself than I am on anyone else.  And to be perfectly clear, I've been told I'm pretty tough on other people.  For example, yesterday I arranged a farewell luncheon for my retiring co-worker.  She wanted to go to Olive Garden.  In our little burg, the Olive Garden is PACKED at lunchtime.  I called and made reservations for 11 people for a noon seating.  My reservation was accepted.  When I arrived at the Olive Garden for my noon reservation I discovered my name was not on the list.  I mentioned earlier that the Olive Garden is typically packed at lunchtime.  Today it was extremely packed, as there had been an eighth grade graduation at the local middle school.  I was very concerned.  Not only was this a party for a well-liked co-worker, but the vice president of the college had decided to join us.  The woman with the headset on her head asked me if I knew the name of the person that took my reservation.  I did not.  Instead, I asked her if the person answering the phone takes the name and information from the caller when they are requesting a reservation?  Evidently, this is not a requirement, as my name and reservation are not written on your paper.  I asked her if the procedure for taking reservations requires the caller REQUESTING the reservation to get the name of the person TAKING the reservation, then the person TAKING the reservation should be required to give their name when answering the phone.  (I was very polite when having this conversation, but I was serious)  I asked the woman with the headset on her head how long it would be before my party would be able to be seated.  I was told the restaurant was very busy and there were reservations ahead of me.  I commiserated regarding the busyness of the restaurant, but not about reservations ahead of me, as I had called and made a reservation for noon and it was, in fact, noon, and then I asked to speak to the manager.

The manager had, evidently, been briefed, but took a moment to speak with me.  I was honest with her.  I told her that I understood the restaurant was busy, which is why I made a reservation.  I needed to have my party seated.  I told her I did not want to be embarrassed in front of my boss and in front of the vice president of the college I work at.  She said she would help.  And, she did.  We were seated at 12:15 p.m.  That is not too bad considering the busyness and the lost reservation.  When my boss received the bill, he discovered a $30 deduction to compensate for having to wait.  I thanked the manager, personally, for all her help when I was leaving the restaurant.  (at the time I didn't even know about the $30)

When I got home from work yesterday a conveyed this story to my husband and his eyes widened.  Yet, he said, "good for you."  There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself.

Last night, I was reading more information about my Meyers-Briggs type, ISTJ.  This time I was reading about personal growth and where my difficult areas for growth lie.  I learned a lot.  The site gave me a list of potential problem areas.

• Excessive love of food and drink
• Lack of interest in other people, or relating to them
• Occasional inappropriate emotional displays
• General selfish "look after oneself" tendencies
• Using judgment to dismiss others opinions and perspectives, before really understanding them
• May judge others rather than themselves
• May look at external ideas and people with the primary purpose of finding fault
• May become a slave of routine and "by the book" ways of doing things, to the point that any deviation is unacceptable
• May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to anyone

I looked at some of the other MBTIs and discovered many of these bullet points are used over and over.  Nevertheless, this list is a fair description of my problem areas.  I absolutely have an excessive love of food and drink and I do lack interest in other people.  I have to force myself to listen after I ask people how they are doing.  I don't know about the inappropriate emotional displays.  I rarely cry.  I do often have a "serious" look on my face and I have to think about smiling and remind myself to do it more often.  The selfish "look after myself" tendency, well, I'd like to say I look after mine.  I look after my husband, my son, my boss, my co-workers, my friends.  I'm very loyal.  I do have a tendency to look at ideas and people with the purpose of finding fault.  Doesn't this sound horrible?  I have often wondered why I do this.  This is ABSOLUTELY a trait I find quite distasteful  about myself.  I try, try, try to see the positive in a situation or a person, but the first thing I ALWAYS see is the fault.  Of course, I'm an adult, so I've learned to keep my thoughts to myself.  When I was a child, this trait got me standing in the corner more times than I can remember.  (Mrs. Haan, you think your drawing looks like a cat?  This was 1st grade, I could go on and on.)  Regarding the difficulty in communicating my thoughts and feelings?  Well, here I am.  I'm writing a blog about how I feel about things and how I feel about myself.  I'd say I'm getting over this one.  In fact, I've received comments from readers on posts and have been so enlightened.  I am always happy to get a different perspective on an issue.  It's always surprising (because I think I'm pretty smart and I love to depend on what I know) and it's always welcome.

339.  New shoes purchased on my lunch hour
340.  Cold coffee on a warm afternoon
341.  Looking forward to going to a community theater production of Into the Woods
342.  Wrestling with some verses in the bible regarding The Shrewd Manager (I love digging into scripture)
343.  Looking forward to a restful weekend with beautiful weather
344.  A returning confidence in the power of prayer
345.  Praying with an eye open for the answer

There is no road to happiness

People take different roads seeking happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they're lost. ~H. Jackson Browne

I saw this quote on my twitter feed this morning.  It made me think.  Our forefathers new enough to know the pursuit of happiness was an important endeavor for every person.  They believed it was so important they said it was an unalienable right in the Declaration of Independence.  Maybe it's my ISTJ (you know me, I'm all about what you do, not what you feel) personality, but Mr. Browne's quote is a tough one for me to swallow.

I might have an easier time swallowing it if the definition of happiness was a bit clearer.  I know what happiness is not.  Happiness is not pleasure.  Pleasure comes and goes.  It can slip through your fingers and fade from memory.  I know of women seeking to recreate the pleasure of the initial flutterings of love and attraction.  They don't understand where this feeling goes after 2 or 3 years of marriage and a child or two.  They look for it outside their marriage.  Only to discover they cannot hold on to the feelings.  Those feelings are not happiness.

I've heard it said that happiness itself is not a destination, but a journey.  This has to be true.  How else can we explain the finding of happiness in a job well done and finding happiness in leisure time?  Our forefathers were so wise in calling the inalienable right a pursuit of happiness and not happiness, itself.

The problem I have with Browne's quote is that people often are on the wrong road to (what they believe is) happiness and they are lost.  I've seen so many people spending themselves into unfathomable debt in their pursuit of happiness.  I don't think they found the happiness they were hoping to find.  Instead, they find themselves trapped in debt.  Not a happy situation.  I've seen people sink into addiction thinking happiness was drinking or drugging themselves away from their problems, only to find themselves trapped in their addiction.  I've seen people attempt to find happiness by moving and leaving all they have and all they know, to find happiness - out there, only to find themselves lost and lonely.  There is no happiness in these situations.

The bible tells us in Ecclesiastes 3:12, I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live and in Ecclesiastes 7:14 When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.  (I think it should say, be happy in the other, as well)

There is no road to happiness.  You cannot travel to happiness.  You have happiness in you all the time.  Happiness is not a mood, ...it's a Decision.

I'm linking with Em at Imperfect Prose on Thursdays.

332.  Knowing I can decide to be happy
333.  MBTI information and knowing I'm ok, just the way I am
334.  MBTI information and knowing there are just some people I will never understand
335.  Being fascinated by those MBTI types I don't understand
336.  The feeling of anticipation as you near the end of a wonderful story
337.  The feeling of satisfaction as I am confirmed in my prediction of how the story ends
338.  Co-workers with generous hearts

The greatest of these is love

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

These were the words the minister spoke at my wedding almost 30 years ago.  I was 25 years old.  I didn't know anything about love.  I thought love was about how I felt.  I thought I showed love by what I did for those I loved.  I thought kisses showed love.  I thought hugs showed love.  I didn't really know anything about love.  I still find I fall into the trap of doing love instead of being love.    Love is the greatest, but love is the trickiest.  

Advertising messes up our ideas about love.  Hollywood distorts what love is supposed to look like.  Everything out there makes it look like love is a destination.  The world makes it look like love is something we can get to or attain.  We forget, love is something we already have within ourselves.  And we really forget that the more love we give away, the more love we have to give.

I remember being in college and thinking about love.  I took many philosophy classes in college.  Philosophy classes can have the side-effect of causing one to think too much.  I always struggled with the idea of love.  I was afraid I was a person incapable of loving someone.  I would imagine my life without my parents or my brothers or my boyfriend and I would feel, ...nothing.  I didn't feel fear or dread or loss or anything.  Of course, this was an academic exercise, as all these people were alive and well and in my life.  But, I thought I should be able to feel something.  something.  This fear, of not being capable of love, had haunted me for much of my life.

I know I am capable of loving and being loved.  I know, clearly, I'm not the type of person that dwells heavily in feelings.  I'm the kind of person who dwells in the concrete and the "here and now."  You can be pretty sure the person writing the sentiments inside the hallmark cards is not an ISTJ, like me.  I believe my duty and commitment to the people I love are evidence of my love.

When I read the 1 Corinthians 13 verses I find more comfort in them than I did on my wedding day.  Today I am more accepting of the personality God gave me.  When I read these words about love I see myself in them.  I see the way I demonstrate love in them.  When I give my word, I mean it.  I am not the clanging gong.  When I take on an obligation, I do what it takes to fulfill my duty.  I will be constant in my commitment.  When I was young, the words in these verses seemed impossible, out of reach.  Now I know these words describe the only motivation that gives worth to anything we do on this Earth.  If we act out of any motivation but love, there is no value.

I must have faith in God and in my salvation, I must have hope all is in God's hands and he will bring me home to him, and I must have love for God and my fellow humans walking this dull sod.  This is the greatest of the three.  I must love.  

I really do have a sense of humor

I know I've mentioned my Myers Briggs type is ISTJ.  I realize not everyone is quite as fascinated with personality typing as I am, but it's my blog, so there you are.  My point today is about my sense of humor.  An ISTJ's sense of humor is often described as "offbeat."  It's also been described as sarcastic humor.  My sense of humor has been described as witty and dry.  Finally, I'm fairly quick on the uptake and can come up with a clever come-back at a moments notice.  There are some types out there that just don't appreciate this type of humor.

Here are a few of the things I find funny.  I found this on fb.

I think this was the wrong story for him to cover.

I love dark comedies.  Fargo, Thank you for Smoking, Bad Santa, and the best EVER Dr. Strangelove or: How I Stopped Worrying and Love the Bomb.

Was I born with this sense of humor or did I develop it?  One time a lady told me the things I say just make her jaw drop.  I guess that means she didn't think I was funny.  :(  Too bad for her.

When in college I had an anatomy class with a cadaver.  There was a living teacher and other living students in the class, but there were also eight cadaver.  I was always respectful, but there is a certain level of humor one must have when dealing with the dead.  And, I had that sense of humor needed for dealing with it. 

Finally, this blog is HILARIOUS.  I wish I was a clever enough writer to comment on it.

If you've never seen Dr. Strangelove, quick, open your Netflix streaming and ENJOY!!

Please feel free to send your most offbeat humor my way.  I LOVE it.

Dependability is my middle name

I just got an email from a friend regarding a last minute trip to North Carolina and the possibility of me going with her.  I am not the first person my friend asked to accompany her on this trip.  She asked another friend and is waiting to hear back.  I completely understand the desire of having a friend with you on a trip away.  My friend's husband had to cancel at the last minute because of work and all the accommodations are arranged and it's too late to cancel.  So, she's hedging her bets.  She's asking two different friends if they can get away at the last minute.  It's a good idea.  Girls (ok, women) like doing things together better than doing things alone.  Anyway, she wrote an email to me with the dates of the trip to see if they would work with my schedule and one of the lines in the email says,

"Please still check the dates.  She is not as dependable as you are (is there anyone who is?????)."

So, I'm dependable.  I have to admit, when I saw the words written on the screen I didn't think it was a compliment.  Dependable...  Regular...  Reliable...  boring.  

I know I've posted about my Myers Briggs personality score and how I test out to be an ISTJ.  You can click the MBTI label at the bottom of the post if you'd like to look back at some of those posts.  I am the Duty Fulfiller of the personality types.  There is absolutely nothing exciting about me.  I will not rock your boat.  In fact, I'll most likely do the annual maintenance for your boat, or at least, ensure the annual maintenance is done by someone.  Boring

One of the first things I thought of when I saw this line in the email was, "am I always available?"  I had to think about this for a little while.  I like to do fun things.  I like to go out.  I need to force myself because I can very easily start getting stuck at home and wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt and drinking tequila in front of the tv and watching too much Doc Martin.  But, the answer is, I'm not too available.  I've been asked to do things at the last minute and I've been previously committed.  See, I'm duty bound to my commitments.  I guess if I was a more exciting person I'd pick the MOST FUN thing to do and dump the other, even if it was the first commitment I made.  No, I could never do that.  I'm just not that kind of girl.  Reliable.

Another thing I thought of when I read the line in the email was this.  Depends.  Aren't they some kind of pad for old ladies with bladder control issues?  I have no idea why I thought this.  Oh, maybe I do...  I had a cold last week and I was sneezing a lot.  Yeah, that may have been what put the diaper thing on my mind.  I digress.

So, I'm the second choice invitee of my girlfriend on a spontaneous trip to North Carolina.  I'm dependable, reliable, faithful, loyal, a good citizen, dutiful, obsessed with structure, honest, serious, have great follow-through, goal oriented, and "by the book."  I'm not the most exciting girl you're ever going to meet.  But,

I hope I get to go.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

If you would like to know your MBTI take a test here.

Tamoxifen

I've been taking the medication, tamoxifen, for a month now.  So far, all I can say is "yuk."  The simple understanding of how this medication works is that it blocks any and all estrogen receptors in my body.  By doing this it essentially rids my body of the effects of estrogen.  So, hot flashes, night sweats, super dry skin, crabbiness, dry eyes, and all the other fun things associated with the end of womanhood.  The reason I'm taking tamoxifen is because I score very high on the Gail model of risk and have a high risk for breast cancer.  Now, I don't have breast cancer.  I'm following doctors recommendations and trying this.

Some days I feel HORRIBLE.  It feels like my skin is too tight for my body and I don't want anything to touch my skin.  I don't want my clothes on and I don't want them off.  I don't have a better way to describe this feeling.  I feel itchy, but my skin is so sensitive I can't stand touching it.  Oh well, enough of that.  The other really crappy thing is the night sweats.  I'm TIRED!  This condition makes it very hard for me to sleep through the night.  And, after I wake up, I'm freezing because I'm sweaty and I can't fall back asleep because I'm SOOOO cold.  And, of course, the dreaded hot flashes.  We can call them all the cute names out there:  power surges, personal summers, heat waves.  These SUCK!!  There is nothing worse than being in a meeting with all your coworkers and find yourself drenched in sweat.  Lovely.

I've been thinking about my latest issues at the office.  I think some of it is related to this medication.  Really, my boss hasn't changed.  He's always been a non-confrontational, unsupportive, poor manager.  I, on the other hand, was a woman with estrogen in her body.  Now, we know, estrogen helps us as women to be the nurturers.  We need to be nurturers to be mothers.  I no longer have this nurturing hormone coursing through my body.  And, the fact that I'm an ISTJ doesn't make me the warm, caring person I used to be.  And, my office is in an old building has lousy heat and air conditioning.  My office sits directly over the main boiling water pipe that heats the building.  My office is almost as hot as the sun.  At the same time, I'm enjoying my own personal summer.  Booyah!!

I talked to my doctor and told her about the way this med is making me feel.  We've decided to stay on this medication another month, and to take half the dosage I was on last month.  We will see how it goes.

If anyone out there has any experience, hope or strength to share, it is welcome.

Connecting with people

This week I'm focusing on how I connect with people.  I think I usually connect with most people quite well.  I think I'm a pretty good listener and I think I'm pretty empathetic to people.

That being said, I have also been told that I can be curt.  This curtness can be perceived as unfriendliness.  I need to work on this.  Fortunately I am blessed to have a good friend willing to walk with me in this process.  She is encouraging to speak in a warmer, friendlier, more positive manner.  

This is going to be challenging for me.  I've been thinking long and hard about WHY this would be a challenge.  I'm a nice person.  I don't want to hurt people's feelings.  I believe I AM friendly.  However, I am an introvert.  Being around people or talking to people for a extended period of time, sucks the life right out of me.  It exhausts me.  I draw energy from time spent in the quiet, even solitude.  Another personality quirk of mine is that I NEED order in my space.  Disorder is very distracting to me.  I can't concentrate in disorder. 

So, what have I learned to improve the way I connect with people.  Well, I learned one huge thing.  And I'm going to share it with you, dear reader.  Sometimes a person like me, an introvert, needs a phrase to use in situations that can be difficult.  For example, when someone says something to me that I may perceive as condescending, I have a tendency to respond in a curt manner.  Now I have a phrase I can use to put a positive spin on the conversation.  I can say "WOW, that's a GREAT suggestion (or question, or idea)."  I have learned that people hear this as validation of their comment or suggestion.  This surprised me, because I don't hear this comment quite the same way.  My boss says this and I find it patronizing, but there you have it. 

I'm going to work very hard at this.  My intention is to use this phrase at least once every day.  I want this to become a natural part of my everyday banter.  Oh yeah, and I put a post-it with a smiley face and the word SMILE underneath it on my computer screen.  My old post-it said Don't Cuss.  I think I'm moving in the correct direction.

Relationships - work, church, clubs and the neighborhood

I'm still contemplating relationships in my life.  Today I'm thinking about relationships on a much more transient level.  These relationships include co-workers, neighbors, church friends, relationships formed by being in clubs together, and social networking.

This is such a surprising revelation for me, but, from experience, I know it's true.  These relationships are completely transient.  Now, I know that there is the occasional real friendship that can be formed in these relationships, but usually not.

I've had the experience of having a job for many years.  I've been close with co-workers.  I've shared personal situations.  I've spent a sizable portion of my life with these people.  However, when the time comes that I'm no longer working there or even when I go home in the evening, I'm done with them.  I've had the experience of being the only person at the hospital when one of my co-workers was having emergency surgery and bringing him or her meals and running errands for her, but I know when I am no longer working with him, we are done.  We most likely will not keep in touch.  Now this doesn't mean that I don't like these people.  It just means that our relationship is not a close, long lasting relationship.

I think the most surprising area that I have found this to be true is church.  I have had the experience of leaving a church and going to a different church without moving out of the area.  Even though I still lived in the same neighborhood with church "friends", they were done with me.  No calls, no lunches, nothing.  These were women and men that had shared VERY INTIMATE information.  These were women and men that were instrumental in supporting me during difficult times in my marriage .  These were men and women I have shared personal shortcomings I have only otherwise shared with God.  These are men and women, I thought, were brothers and sisters in Christ.  Brothers and sisters.  Family.

The folks I've met as neighbors, in clubs, and "friends" on facebook are certainly transient.  It's fun to have friendships with these people while we are living near each other or in the club, but, again, these are not necessarily long lasting relationships.

As I look back over what I've written about this level of relationship I see how I have contributed to the demise of these friendships.  I'm a more introverted person.  It is difficult for me to be outgoing or to initiate friendships.  I need to examine how this is working for me.  I don't see how I can bemoan my lack of close girlfriends and not be a person willing to put myself out there.

Church

I'm going to open up with an area of my life that has really been keeping me from Being Happy.  Church. 

I was raised in the Church.  I was baptized when I was an infant in a Dutch Reformed church that became a Reformed Church of America church.  Long story short, this is a church that follows the theological system of John Calvin.  Now, I had no choice in this portion of my life and education.  I followed what my parents believed and believed it myself.  Of course, I grew up and made my own choices and learned about different belief systems and other Christian denominations.  This wasn't an easy time for me.  This is often a time when kids stop believing what their parents tried to teach them.  College and my desire to rebel against EVERYTHING my parents believed was my GOAL.  Then I decided to grow up a little bit and make a well thought-out decision.  There are portions of Christianity that are harsh.  The road to God in the Christian belief system is very narrow.  It's Jesus or nothing.  Other religions are equally harsh in denying paradise until enough boxes are checked.  I made a decision for Jesus.

Again, long story short, I'm a follower of Jesus.  As far-fetched as portions of the story of redemption through Jesus is, it is the most plausible to me.  I believe that is because the Holy Spirit has revealed this truth to me.  I have loved studying the bible and learning about God's love for me through the stories in the bible.  I have loved church and the fellowship with other believers and support I got there.  Now, church has become a hard place for me to go.

Why, you may ask, has it become hard for me to go to church?

There are a couple reasons.  You have the super-duper condensed history of why I go to church.  Here's my struggle.  We moved to our home here in Maryland and found a church we liked alot.  We joined it and attended regularly and were very active in the events the church had.  We, my husband and son, were happy with the vision and direction of this particular church.  I was active in Sunday school and bible study and vacation bible school.  I was an active mom.  When my son came of an age for a high school youth group, this church let the youth group leader go and had no desire to hire anyone new.  Our family felt we had to leave this church and find another church WITH an active youth group for our son.  We just thought this was important.  In hindsight this was a very good decision.  This particular church had a difficult time making the decision for a full-time youth program and more than four years would have past before they had a youth program going strong.  You know, sometimes you just can't be part of the solution.  Sometimes you have to do what you need to do for your family.  Anyway, in the small town we live in, leaving a church caused some hard feelings.  I really never understood this, but I was hurt by some of the "church ladies". 

We started going to a church with an active youth group at this time.  This church was a church that followed the theological system of John Wesley.  This was a challenge for me, but my husband and son were happy.  My son liked the youth group and Sunday school and my husband was good with the service and most of the people there.  I made a strong attempt to become involved.  I helped with the youth group.  I sang in the praise band.  I tried.  I never really felt "at home", but I made an effort.  There was a strong push for social justice that I was never all that comfortable with.  When our son graduated from high school and became his own person, my husband and I felt we could look for a church that lined up with what we believed.  We started looking for a new church.  This time when we left the church I continued my involvement in a bible study with some of the "church ladies" from this church.  I thought it would be ok.

I was wrong.  As I continued in the bible study it was obvious my belief in the protestant work ethic and the idea of helping the "truly needy" and not social justice for all made me different from these women.  Also, I learned a lot about social networking and commenting on blogs.  One of the women in the bible study has a blog.  She would post things I thought were contrary to what we were studying and what, I thought, were contrary to what Jesus would want us to do.  I commented.  I thought we would be able to talk about these disagreements.  I was wrong.  She wouldn't talk to me.  She avoided talking TO me, but talked ABOUT me to anyone who would listen.  ouch.  One woman in the study decided to take the horns of this disagreement into her own hands by forcing the blogger to talk with me.  There was to be a meeting.  I agreed to join this meeting.  I'm happy to clear the air.  I wanted to have a conversation and remind her that we are both daughters of the King.  We can disagree and still be believers. 

This was not to be.  The blogger cried and cried and cried and cried.  She was never able to articulate her feelings or beliefs or issues.  Just tears and sobs.  This made me feel very uncomfortable.  I've mentioned that I am not much of a "feeler".  Anyway, crying gains sympathy and stoicism does not.  I didn't feel I could be part of this group anymore.

Why is it hard for me to go to church?  I'm afraid to get involved with anymore of these kind of people.  I don't want to be judged.  I'm afraid.

Good news!  I went to a church today.  I'm going to take it slowly.  I'll sit in the back.  I'll keep to myself.  I'm going to take this very slowly.  I'm scared.  If you are the praying type, please pray for me.  I want to be part of the body of Christ again.

Put it on paper

I've heard it said "Take the pressure off you and put it on paper."  I think this is a statement that needs some investigating.  I'm going to use this space to investigate this saying.  The following is my story.

Yesterday a rumor circulated around my place of business quicker than s**t through a goose (my dad used to say that).  Here's the rumor... Three long-time employees were let go.  No reason given.  No two-week notice.  Nothing.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.  Btw, this rumor ended up being true.  These 3 guys are gone.  The only rumor part is WHAT the reason for the dismissal is.

Now, I don't know about you.  In fact, I'm really not sure if anyone will see this.  But, this is scary stuff in these "tough economic times."

There are details about this situation that I won't subject the casual reader to.  However, one tiny thing is the fact that my boss is the AVP of the department these ex-employees worked under.  Now, I know I'm not informed of all business "goings on" in this business, but, occasionally, one "hears" something.  In this case, nothing.  Scary stuff.

To add insult to injury, my boss (the AVP) decides to correct me on two infractions I have committed this fine day, at the end of the day.  These infractions were small.  No long lasting problems have or will occur, but they were mistakes non-the-less.  Boy, his timing was PERFECT.  My response had a lot to be desired.  Sure I said I was sorry and would not be making those two mistakes again.  But, in my typical ISTJ manner, I had to add "Are you building a case to fire me, as well?"  Super!  Why couldn't I say sorry and leave it at that.  I've been sick to my stomach all day.  I think you can guess that this detracts from Being Happy.

What do I do?

Ok, how does one remain happy in their place of employment during this type of pressure.

It's the weekend now and I'm blogging this hoping to get this pressure off me and on to this blog.  Also, a little constructive advice would be nice, too.  Also, I talked to my husband about this issue.  He told me a management story about Type X and Type Y employees and coordinating management styles.  It is interesting to think that some managers believe that keeping their employees fearful of their employment longevity is a way to get them to work better.  I don't get my work ethic externally.  I love to do a good job and feel part of a team.  I am surprised that others don't have this motivation and only work well when watched or threatened.  But, they've done the studies, so I know it's true.  So, my guess is the managers believe all of us UN-Fired employees will start working harder so we don't become FIRED.

I'm going to go into the office on Monday, do my job, go home Monday night, and repeat this action for the rest of the week.  If Monday is my last day...  I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

And, I will pray.

All MBTI types to make a world

I have spent a lot of time and energy on MBTI this weekend.  This is a personality type indicator, if you are not familiar.  There are 16 different personality types (this is a huge generalization, but it works).  I won't go into the details because you can click the link and investigate for yourselves.  Anyway, long story short, I am an ISTJ.  To put it succinctly, I am faithful, dependable, and punctual.  I'm boring.  Evidently, the more feeling personality types think I'm kinda mean, too.  I'm pretty direct.  This is probably why I don't have a lot of pictures and flowers and buttons and "stuff" on my blog.  I want to be pretty and have all that stuff, but that doesn't get the job done.  The job is to work out who I am and how I can be authentically happy and put it out there in the world.  So, does being an ISTJ mean I can't be happy?  I know feelings aren't my strong suite.  I know I am comfortable in an organized, neat and focused world.  Is there anything wrong with that?  Can that be the extent of my happiness?  I love the fact that I am planning my vacation on a day by day basis.  I don't have every hour planned, but I have a pretty good idea of how the days should be used.  If I just let the day come as it does, I may not do anything worthwhile.  I want to hike, I want to visit the Grand Canyon, I want to do something special with my husband.

I'm struggling with the notion that my "type" is wrong.  That because my feelings and other people's feelings don't hit the top of my list in interaction, there is something "wrong" with me.  I'm working on this, but with reservation.  Is it my fault that the Fe's and Te's out there don't listen to what I say and read their own thoughts into what I say?  I don't think so.  I'll try to think about feelings while I interact with these types.  I know it will make my life a bit easier, albeit, use up a lot of my time and energy.  Oh yeah, it takes all kinds to make a world.  And, I guess, they make the world a nicer place. (maybe)

Happiness.  Boy, it's a winding and tricky road to get to it.