Does everyone hate themselves? Just a little bit?

I hate myself.  Maybe it's just me, but I don't think so.  I even say it out loud sometimes.  I try not to say it out loud at work, because it does sound a little crazy when someone else hears the words.  It doesn't sound crazy to me, at all.  I'm used to hearing the words in my head dozens of times each day.  But when my husband hears me say it out loud he looks at me like I may be a little crazy.  Or maybe he's just sad for me.  I don't think my husband ever hears those words in his head.

I try to figure out why I'm so tough on myself and I hardly ever let myself off the hook.  I mostly blame my parents.  I mean, isn't it your parents that really screw you up?  I think my kid thinks this about me sometimes.  I tell myself that I'm over my childhood.  I'm an adult and I'm responsible for my own feelings and thoughts.  My parents did the best they could with what they had.  I was a rebellious child.  I'm sure I made it tough on them.

I feel it is insulting to God to tell myself that I hate myself when I know how much he loves me.  I've been told it is the devil that is always in my ear, telling me I'm not good and I don't deserve self-love.  It's such a struggle.  That negative voice is SCREAMING in my head and the voice of God is still and soft.  I know I am to be accountable for every word I utter.  I know Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount that hating my brother is the same as murdering him.  So when I say I hate myself am I committing suicide?

It's such a dilemma.  I don't hate myself enough to allow myself too much discomfort or pain.  I'm not keeping creature comforts like too much food and a soft bed and too much idleness from being in my life, but then I am so disappointed and loathing of myself because I've done those things.  When have I been good enough?  Which day will I have accomplished enough to tell myself, "well done?" 

There are bible studies devoted to having biblical self esteem.  Maybe I was born in the wrong time.  Maybe being born in this time when having high self esteem was the most important thing one could have makes it so noticeable that I'm different.  I certainly am not part of the YouTube generation.  I know I can't do anything.  I know that if pride is a sin, then pride is something done in a shoddy manner must be worse than a sin.

I'm searching for the cure.  I'm looking for the balance between loving myself and not indulging myself.  The balance between striving to do better and hating myself when I don't meet my own standard.  I can't get this self-appreciation from outside of myself.  I'm going to have to pull it out from within myself.  I've made some inroads to recovery by focusing on the things I am grateful to have in my life.  But even that is a double edged sword.  If I can't think of something I'm grateful to have immediately, I think of myself as being selfish and ungrateful because I know I am so blessed.

One thing I know for sure is that because I have the Holy Spirit living in my heart, I will be able  to find this love of self.  Maybe I can learn to accept this feeling of self-loathing and then remind myself I am completely loved and accepted by the creator of the universe, so what I think of me is much less important than what he thinks of me.  I don't want to set my bar lower.  I see too much dumbing down and acceptance of mediocrity to lower my standards.

What have you done to be an overcomer of this condition of self-hate?

I'm linking with Emily today at Imperfect Prose on Thursday. 


210.  Anticipation of meeting up with old friends
211.  Seeing sunshine after a gray, dreary day yesterday
212.  Daffodiles
213.  Forsythias
214.  The color yellow (it's such a happy color)

My friend had the biggest smile and the strongest hope

Yesterday I went to the funeral of a friend.  In reality, she was much more than a friend.  She was a sister in Christ.  Actually, she was more than a sister in Christ.  She was my Titus 2 woman.  She was a woman I looked to for spiritual guidance.  Especially for spiritual guidance in my role as a wife and a mother.

Evidently I wasn't her only friend.  The church was packed.  The funeral was standing room only.

My husband and I looked at each other.  We didn't even have to say it.  We knew what we were each thinking.  There was no way either of us could fill a church with friends like that.  Linda was a special person.  Even the minister was struggling to keep it together as he read the verses from the bible that give us hope for eternity.  Even though he was full of the knowledge that our friend was in heaven with her king, the pain of losing her, as a friend on this earth, was too great.

You might think, "my, this woman must have been a perfect woman."  You may think she was goodness personified.  She wasn't, you know.  She was a normal, flawed human being.  She had struggles in her life.  I remember when my son was young, I went to her for support and sympathy.  So often we christians have a tendency to act as if we have it all together.  My friend, Linda, let me see her cracks.  She had been divorced and was now remarried.  She struggled with this.  She knew God hates divorce, but she knew God loved her.  So even though she had been through tough times in marriage, she could share with me how special and important the sacrament of marriage was to her.  I was at a difficult time in my marriage.  I had a husband that was working A LOT.  And added to the extra working hours was a 20 hour a week commute.  My son is severely dyslexic.  Schoolwork was such a struggle.  Needless to say, I found myself overwhelmed at times.

My friend was there for me.  She shared the tough times she had been through and how she had squeaked through them by hanging on to hope and praying.  She reminded me that God keeps his promises.  She reminded me that God will restore the days the locusts devour. (Joel 2:25)  (she had a sense of humor.  do you see how she compared children and needy husbands to locusts?)  There were two things my friend always had to give me, her smile and hope.  Her smile was the biggest and brightest anyone could have.  Her hope was firm and never-ending.  Her hope was in Jesus.

Our friendship was broken for a few years.  This is the weird thing about "church friends."  It seems that sometimes we can only be friends with people in certain arenas.  Linda was my church friend.  When I stopped going to the church she was going to, we lost touch.  If I saw her somewhere else in the community, we were always glad to see each other, but it wasn't the same.  She was busy and involved with her church and I wasn't a part of her church.  That's just how things go sometimes.  But, when I came back to her church, she was the gladdest to see me of all the people at that church.  She made me feel as if I had come home.

She was sick when we reconnected.  She was very sick and I think she knew she wasn't going to get better.  Cancer is such an ugly disease.  I hate cancer.  The treatment for cancer is almost worse than most other diseases you can get.  It's a violent treatment.  My friend never lost her smile or her hope.  She may have lost her appetite for food (I had to put something in this post about food or I just wouldn't feel right linking to Emily's blog), but she never lost that beautiful smile on her face.

She was taken home to our lord too soon.  She was only 69.  I know many of you reading this may think 69 is a good time to die.  It's not.  It's too soon.  This life on earth is a good one.  I know heaven is perfect, but this life with our loved ones is a good life.  I checked her facebook page.  My friend had 69 facebook friends.  That just shows what the caliber of a facebook friend is.  Linda had THOUSANDS of friends.  She had tens of THOUSANDS of friends.  So all you people with a thousand plus fb friends... well, let's just see how many of them crowd together to say farewell to you at the end of your life.

Thanks for letting me take a moment to share this tiny tribute to my friend.  I miss her.  I don't know why I thought she would just get better and we'd be together, like it was when I was younger.  I guess I knew she was very sick, but her hope in God's love made me have hope that God would give her more time with us.

I'm linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.

196.  Hope in the promises of God
197.  Friends (even church friends)
198.  Restored health (yay!)
199.  Eating food without fear (because that nasty virus is DEAD)
200.  Being reminded that smiling is a good thing to do
201.  Having my purse returned to me when I was forgetful enough to leave it behind (I was at a church, but still...)
202.  Signs of Spring EVERYWHERE

Praying properly

I don't think I pray the right way.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't pray properly.

Prayer is a tough thing for me.  If I think about it long enough, I'd have to say I've never been very good at prayer.

If I pray at all, it usually happens when I close my eyes to fall asleep.  This is when all my biggest fears rise to the forefront of my consciousness.  Then I go into begging mode.  God, please do this...  God, please do that...  God, please don't let this happen.  God, help me not to be afraid.  I'm not sure this is the way we are supposed to pray.

I know Jesus gave us a model for prayer when he taught the disciples the Lord's Prayer in Matthew 6:9-13.  I try to pray the model.  I try to pray by recognizing who God is and all the power he has and that he is my creator.  I try to pray by remembering that God is listening to me and just by the very act of prayer, I am honoring him.  I try to remember to confess my sins.  I know having unconfessed sin in my life can block my access to the almighty, but I don't always remember to do this.  In fact, I almost never remember to do this.  As far as asking for my daily bread, well... I usually ask for a whole lot more.  I know asking for and receiving my daily bread, should be enough for me.  I shouldn't be greedy and ask for more than I need each day, but I do.  I'm worried about my future, sometimes.  I'm worried about my son's future, almost all the time.  So I pray for more than my daily bread.  I pray for security.  I think this is probably not what I should be praying for.  I want security on this Earth.  I know this is not what we are supposed to desire, but my flesh wants a house and food and clothing (btw, I'd like wifi, health care, and an occasional vacay, too).  And I want it for the rest of my life.  I pray to be a good person.  I don't want to sin against God, but I do.  And, when I pray not to sin, I'm already thinking, "you know, I'm gonna sin.  I just know it."  I pray for God to heal people.  And then I sometimes couch it with, "guide the surgeon's hands." 

This is the struggle.  I want to pray the way Jesus wants me to pray, but I want to pray for the things I want, too.  I want people I love to get better, not suffer, and all that good stuff.  I want people I don't like to, well...  I want them not to suffer either, but I'm not as emphatic.

As I consider my prayer efforts and whether or not I'm "doing it" right or not, I consider this; I'm praying.  I believe God is hearing my prayer.  I may not always believe he is answering my prayer, but I believe he hears it.  I believe he forgives me of my sins when I remember to confess them.  I believe he wants me to confess all my sins, but he knows how forgetful (and full of rationalizations) I am.  As I consider what prayer is, I consider this; prayer is my opportunity to honor God.  When I do it, I'm acting in faith.  When I don't, I'm acting on my own.

I've got to tell you, it's tough being a Calvinist.  There are so many "right ways" and "wrong ways."  One Sunday I listened to a sermon that essentially said, if you don't end a prayer "In Jesus name, Amen," God will not hear your prayer.  There must be something in the bible about praying in Jesus' name.  Should I kneel?  Should I raise my hands or fold them?  Should my eyes be closed or can I keep them open?  Between the actions of my body and the desires of my heart and the thoughts in my head, I find myself wondering how to pray. 

I know prayer isn't like making an incantation or a recipe for success.  I know if I don't do it right, God's will will still be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.  Maybe the adage, practice makes perfect, fits with prayer.  Maybe the more often I pray, the better I'll get at it.

Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.  Our cue was Believe.

130.  Accepting God's forgiveness and allowing myself to be forgiven
131.  Getting a good night of sleep
132.  Believing God is watching over my son, now that he lives on his own
133.  Feeling the Holy Spirit drawing me back to attendance in a church on Sunday mornings
134.  My health (I really need to stop taking this for granted and get a little exercise) 

I was created to be in community

And you were, too.

Hebrews 10:24-25 says, "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

And Proverbs 27:17 says, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

I think most people think these verses mean we should go to church, because that's where all the christians are on Sunday morning.  I think these verses mean much more than "go to church."

Yesterday I wrote a bit about feeling a little lonely because my husband and I have been spending so much time apart.  This feeling came on me during my winter break from work.  I had been off work for a week and a half.  I learned that I need to be around people a bit more often than two or three times a month.  I need to be in community.  Now I'm back at work and the phone is ringing and the co-workers are asking for stuff and my boss is talking to me.  My conversation tank got filled up in a day and a half.  I'm ready for the quiet again.

I don't know how things are world-wide, but I know here in America we have a tendency to isolate.  We are a nation born in a system of rugged individualism.  After WWII we, as a nation, believed in pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps.  This attitude of personal independence can lead to isolation.  We can isolate ourselves into a feeling of loneliness.  Even people with busy lives and even with computers and all the social networking we've got going on, loneliness, by not having a true connection with other people, can result.  Some people fill this loneliness with "STUFF."  People with overspend and over collect and maybe even become hoarders while attempting to feel better about themselves.

God created us to live in community.  Remember back in Genesis when there was Adam and all the animals.  Well, Adam wasn't alone, was he?  No, he had all the animals around him.  Yet, he wasn't in community with another human being.  We were created to be in community.

It is great if one can find themselves plopped down smack in the midst of a loving group of people.  Most of us call that group we find ourselves born into, a family.  Unfortunately, that doesn't happen for everyone.  And, lately, more than half of the families in America find themselves broken and pieced together in some form or another, or maybe not at all.  The government wants schools to take over the roll of community that the broken American family has seemed to have dropped the ball in doing.  But, we all know the government isn't really good at managing money or people.  In fact, government is a proponent of the two-income household.  That way they can tax both mom and dad.  Another circumstance that makes keeping the community of the family from being a viable option is the job market.  Many of us find ourselves having to moving far away from extended family to find work.  This can cause many to become isolated as they move to places with no friends or family waiting for them.

This is why, for many of us, community has to be intentional.  We have to seek it out.  Even if we are introverts and can go for days without having a conversation.  We have to look for friends.  We have to take risks.  This is why churches were such a great way to find these relationships.  But, even church is becoming a tougher place to make this happen.  Churches want to get BIG!  So they have two or three or four or more services on Sunday or Wednesday or Saturday.  They have multiple ministers and ministries.  It's hard to develop a relationship with someone you may or may not see again, because of all the worship options.

I know we can find community in a card playing club or a sports team or a hobby club.  These are great ways to meet people.  And if you are a real risk taker, you may find a way to delve beneath the the surface of the people you meet in these clubs and make a real friendship.  Whether it's in a church or a club or school, we are meant to put ourselves inside a community of other humans.  We need relationships.

We need friends.  I'll even go so far and say we need a best friend.  Things in life are never as scary when you've got a best friend.  Alone, ideas and fears and worries can grow large and looming.  When you are with a friend and you speak these fears aloud, they lose their grandeur.  We can look at them for what they are.  A friend can then ask the question, if this is true, then what?

We need to nurture the friendships and family relationships we have.  They are vital to our well-being.  We were created to be in them.  I encourage you and me to go out and take a risk.  Go to church.  Smile and look inviting (not in a creepy way) and risk getting into a conversation with a person.  Who knows?  You may make a friend.



Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.  Our cue was Create.

70.  Emily's blog and the opportunity to find new blog friends
71.  A free sandwich for lunch
72.  Balmy days in January
73.  Ski club meeting tonight (maybe I can make a friend?  I'll try)
74.  Having a best friend