While the garbage taker outer is away...

I clear clutter.

My husband is out of town for the week.  He's visiting his family in the mid-West.  His nephew is getting married.  It's his second marriage, so we didn't think it was necessary for me to use vacation time and go along with him.  He decided to drive.  It's 1000 miles.  Since it's a long drive he decided to incorporate a visit to his aunt's lake house and visit his aunt and his cousins.  It's on the way and he loves it there.  He spent much of his youth visiting his aunt and uncle and cousins at that house in the summers.  It feels like home to him.

While he's gone I have to take care of the dog and the house and do the chores he typically does.  One of those chores is taking out the garbage.  This is an opportunity to put things into the garbage that often get taken out when the regular garbage taker outer takes out the garbage.  This is what I hear at these auspicious times.  "Hey!!! Why are you throwing THIS away?"  Yeah, when the regular garbage taker outer isn't here, I don't have to hear that.

So I'm taking advantage of this time.

Since I'm telling you all of this I thought I would share a little something something I found on the internet about decluttering.  This is from a post from Colleen Madsen of 365 Less Things. (the comments are mine)
1. Stop the Flow of Stuff Coming In. Decluttering is a waste of time if you simply replace the old stuff with new. Determine today to buy less. Trust me, you won’t regret it.  You've seen the TV show Hoarders, haven't you?

2. Declutter at Least One Item a Day. Decluttering does not have to be a mad frenzy that disrupts your entire household.  She says one item a day.  I like to use the biblical number of perfection and throw out seven items each day.  You can do what you like, but throwing things away is a good thing.

3. Declutter the Easy Stuff First. There is no need to make things difficult by trying to declutter the hardest things first.  Yep, baby steps.  Start with the things that are cluttering up the inside of your drawers before you start getting rid of the furniture.

4. Put a Disposal Plan in Place. Make a plan for your junk.  eBay, Freecycle, Craigslist, and our local thrift store are my favorite disposal options.

5. Decide to Not Keep Things out of Guilt or Obligation. Your home should only contain the things you love or use. You don't have to keep that ugly painting your sister-in-law gave you as a wedding gift. Seriously, throw that kind of stuff away.

6. Do Not Be Afraid to Let Go. The urge to hold on to items you think you might need someday can be eliminated simply by being realistic about what need really is.  When you think about it (or watch Hoaders) and you think you may use something you find in your closet or garage or junk room (oh please, if you have a junk room you are in desperate need of this blog post) throw it out.  That's what stores are for. Stores are for buying things you need, right now.  Not later.

7. Gifts Do Not Have to be Material. Give clutter-free gifts. Encourage people to follow this concept when buying gifts for you. Cash is a great gift.  And if you are cleaning out a drawer and you find cash, put it in your wallet.

8. Do Not Over-Equip Your Home. You don't need enough kitchenware and bedding to supply the 7th fleet.  Buy what you need.  Not more.

9. Do Not Declutter Things that are not Yours Without the Owner’s Permission. Everyone should have a choice about their own belongings, even small children. Honor them by allowing them to choose. You can encourage hoarding tendencies in others by ripping things away from them before they are ready to let go. (actually, this surprised me.  I'm sharing it with you even though I'm tossing stuff while my husband is away.  I can't imagine asking him about every little thing.  that being said, I would never toss something that I knew was dear to him without asking.)

10. Do Not Waste Your Life on Clutter. Don't let your stuff control your life.  Your stuff has needs.  It needs to be cleaned, fixed, insured, moved, etc., etc.  Spend you life with the people you love.  Spend your life doing what you love to do.  Get rid of things that are barriers between you and your life.

391.  Spellcheck
392.  Texting
393.  Photoshop
394.  Google maps
395.  Gmail private messaging
396.  Scanning
397.  Blogs
398.  Bloggers
399.  YouTube
400.  The Internet!!!

2013..., business as usual

I'm back at work and getting back in the swing of things.  I've got to tell you, I'm struggling.  There is always a bit of a learning curve when returning to work after having a week and a half off, but this time there is an extra added bonus to help flatten that curve.

During the break the IT department at the school I work at migrated our Microsoft Office Outlook to Google gmail.  I know, I know, gmail is GREAT!  (I think I have to say that since I'm using Blogger for my blog.)  None the less, change is never easy and change for my boss, who doesn't want to have to think about things like, sorting emails and scheduling meetings, is even more difficult.  But, you gotta do what you gotta do when the Powers That Be make up their minds to make a change.  It's all going to be just fine and pretty soon we will barely remember how Outlook worked.

All that being said, if any of you savvy techie types out there have any tips or tricks for me when it comes to using gmail apps, I'm open to any and all suggestions.  I know a lot of you have your favorites.

I had a wonderful break.  I know you didn't hear a peep out of me during the break.  I took a vacation from the computer.  Granted it wasn't a complete vacation, but computer time was cut back quite hard.  It was wonderful.  I read books.  I watched movies.  I rested.  In fact, even I feel a bit guilty about the lack of work produced by me.  My husband and my son were working so hard on the house we evicted the renters from.  They were fixing windows and tiling the kitchen and bathrooms and fixing toilets and repairing plumbing and installing a new dishwasher, stove and refrigerator.  They supervised carpet and vinyl installation.  I still haven't been allowed to see the interior of the house.  All the interior doors need to be stained, trimmed and hung.  I think my son is waiting for those last few items to be finished before he allows me to view the Big Reveal.

It is impressive to see how much work my son and my husband have accomplished in that house.  I'm excited to do a post about it and share pics.  In less than two months they have transformed a dwelling that, literally, had everything in the inside and on the outside broken, stolen, or in complete filth and turned it into a home.  I've watched some folks drag a project out for years.  I think there is a lot to be said for momentum and stick-to-it-iveness.  I can't wait to see it.

It makes me so proud to hear my husband talk about the way my son is working and learning home repair and maintenance.  I can see it's hard for my son to work this hard.  He's gotten used to having a part-time job and living in our home.  He has very few chores and spends a lot of time gaming and watching Netflix.  Hard work has never been his best friend.  Yet, during this process he has learned what hard work is and how to do it.  His goal is to be living in the house by February 1st.  I'm excited for him AND for me. 

Our family is saying "Hello" to 2013 with the promise that all this hard work will pay-off and we will be able to enjoy the fruits of our labors sooner than later. 

Just a little note to the Congress and Senate and President of the United States; for most of us it's easier to cut back on our spending than it is to generate more cash.  Just because you get your money from us, the working, tax-paying people of the USA, give us a break.  Cut back on the spending.  Try a little austerity.  We should all tighten our belts.  There really isn't all that much people should be entitled to have.  Be brave.  Make the tough cuts.

10.  A hardworking husband
11.  A job
12.  A thrifty nature
13.  A lesson learned that hard work usually solves more difficulties than throwing money at a problem does
14.  A willingness to learn new things
15.  A willingness to say "I don't know" when I don't know
16.  Another opportunity to share 1000 gratitudes with you guys (I only made it to 782 last year)
17.  Watching my son take giant steps into adulthood
18.  Being willing to see my son falter in this new-found adulthood, and not freak out
19.  Having so many blessings to count

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose

"Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, ..."  Sing it, Janis!  I hope I've got this song stuck in your head.

Lately I've had this song stuck in my head.  I've been feeling very anxious about clearing the clutter and, just plain STUFF I have in my house.  I'm falling asleep at night and waking up in the morning with this one thought on my mind.  "I've got to get rid of all this stuff."  It's starting to choke me.  I'm feeling weighed down by my stuff.

Yesterday I went to the store because I needed new pants and shirts for work.  Can you believe I couldn't find any black pants?  Well, I couldn't.  So, I'm wearing my old black pants.  I could, however, find a brown pair of pants, so I bought them.  I also bought three new shirts.  Yay.  When I go home I threw away three old shirts and an old pair of brown pants.  Gone.  I don't need extra stuff.  The reason I went to the store was to get new clothes because the old pants and shirts were looking shabby.  I am not saving shabby clothes.  I don't need "clean the house" clothes or anything of this sort.  And, no one wants my worn out shabby clothes.

I need to start emptying drawers and cupboards.  I need to have less stuff.  I've always felt I needed to sell my old stuff.  Now I'm beginning to think I need to get rid of the stuff.  I tried to toss some things away last week.  I was thwarted in my efforts by both my husband and my son.  They saw the stuff in the garbage and they said, "hey, who's throwing my stuff away?"  Mind you, the stuff I tossed had been sitting on a table in the spare room for no less than three years.  Seriously!  Three years!  But it was precious to them.  My new way of getting rid of stuff will be to double bag it and THEN toss it in the trash.  No way will I allow them to garbage pick it back out.  Stuff HAS to go.

The next things going out of the house on eBay will be collectibles that no longer have any value whatsoever, to me.  Btw, they have no collectible value, either.  Gone will be Lladros, Nao by lladro, Longaberger baskets, etc.  If you like any of this kind of thing and you don't follow me on Twitter or my Facebook page, you'd better start now.  The stuff has to go and it has to go soon.

I want to be free.  I want to be free of my stuff.  'Cause freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.  I've been watching my co-worker freeing herself of all her belongings and I've never seen her look happier.  I want to feel the feeling of only possessing things I use all the time or things I love.  I want to focus my time and energy on the people in my life, not the things.  I'm ready to let it go.

I've discovered a lot of bloggers in the "less is more" genre.  Leo Babauta and Matt Baker and Beth Dargis are a few of my favorites.  These blogs encourage me to live more with less.  Leo and Matt may be a bit hard core in the minimalism.  Matt has taken photographs of all his stuff.  He doesn't have much.  Leo, from what he says, has very few possessions.  I don't think it's necessary to go quite this far,  but you can learn a lot from them.  I am encouraged by Mariza.  She went from a huge single family home to living in an RV.  She does it with such style.  I'm not sure I could make it to this level, but the desire is burning in my soul.  Who knows, maybe I can do this, too.

168.  Encouragers in the quest to live with less
169.  Bloggers showing me how to live with so much less
170.  Bloggers living with less, yet living with style
171.  For having more than I need and yet wanting to live with less

Retirement and me

It's been a little more than a month of retirement for my husband.  The first three weeks of his retirement I was sick.  Really sicky sick with quite a few days home from work.  I don't think I was able to get a very good view of what living with a retired guy was going to be like.  I was too focused on myself and my breathing.  I really didn't even notice he was home.  Then we had a week of me going to work every day, although I was still pretty weak and had no voice or energy when I returned home in the evening.  Sadly, I was still quite focused on myself, but I did notice my husband was home.  Further, I noticed my husband was home when I got home from work.  Since he usually returned home about two hours after me, this was a significant difference.  I noticed.  Last week my husband went on vacation without me.  I absolutely noticed this.  I was completely recovered and no one was home when I got home from work.  It was a little lonely, but I was so busy at my job I really enjoyed the down time when I got home in the evening.

This week my husband is home from vacation, I am healthy and he is still retired.  I'm getting a good look at what this retirement thing looks like.  So far, I can tell you, it seems very good.  In the morning I make juice for all of us for breakfast and I leave the dirty juicer on the counter.  When I get home in the evening the juicer is completely clean and ready for me to use again for dinner.  This is a wonderful thing.  I love being cleaned up after.  This has not happened for me since I was nine.  I discovered my husband knows how to use a washing machine.  He told me he used it twice while he was on vacation.  He told me he came home from vacation with all clean clothes.  I am so tempted to test him with this new knowledge at our house.  I'd love it if he did the towels and the sheets.  This would be a big help.  I'm tempted, but I haven't asked, yet.  (I am aware he often reads my blog, so he may see this)  People have asked me about the cooking.  I'm not thinking about this.  Sure, it would be nice to come home to a cooked dinner, but I don't think cooking is something my husband wants to do.  I don't think he should have to do too many things he doesn't want to do.  After all, he's retired.

I do have a few hopes and dreams for his time while he's retired and I'm working.  I'd love to get our bathroom tub area re-tiled and get the faucet and stuff updated.  I'd like to paint the front hall and the living room.  I LOVE to have the garage emptied out and the basement emptied out.  I know I have to do a lot of work around the house, myself.  I want to get rid of all the lladros and baskets and books and crap scattered all around my house.  My dream is to move out of our house with nothing but suitcases in our hands.  I know it's a dream, but a girl's gotta dream, doesn't she.

All this dreaming aside, we have to keep the priorities straight and do first things.  My husband has to finish his dissertation.  This is the priority.  (btw, if you would like to add anything to your prayer list, this would be a great one)  I know he wants to complete his PhD.  This is very important to him.  Secondly, I know he wants to fix up our rental property.  This will be a big job, as well.  Maybe I'll have to keep working to pay some of these bills?  We will see.

I have a coworker in the same situation I as mine.  Her husband retired and she is still working.  They've already bought their retirement home in another state.  He's already moved down there.  She's got their house in this state for sale.  I think the moment it sells, we will see her last day of work.  Wouldn't it be funny if we both quit on the same day?  Yeah, I think it would be hilarious.  :)

103.  My son is getting an A in his college class, so far
104.  Finishing a big work project
105.  Time to relax when I get home from work
106.  The anticipation of a weekend getaway
107.  Lots of great advice from readers for my dry skin
108.  Sacrifices we made when we were young to provide for opportunities now
109.  Coffee (have I said this before?)
110.  Smart phones (iPhone)

Sexy  ;)

2012, the secret to living well

I was hoping to blog about my New Year's resolutions and changes I want to make in my behaviors, etc.  Instead, I'm going to write about the lessons I learned from falling in the shower this morning while getting ready to return to work after my 10-day break.

First of all, I heard this truth quite a few years ago.  Here goes, "The secret to living well into your old age is, Don't Fall Down."

This is the truth, people.  Don't fall down.  If you fall when you are a young person, it's annoying.  When you fall, as an older person, it is devastating.  Luckily, I didn't hurt myself too bad in this particular fall.  I'm not going to kid myself.  I'm going to be feeling aches and pains from this slip and fall for quite a while.  As I sit here in this cold room I can feel my lower back seizing up.  I can feel my left wrist beginning to hurt.  (and I don't really remember what I did to my wrist.  I guess I tried to catch myself.  hilarious.)  And, my butt hurts.  (tmi?)

What have I learned from this experience?  I mean, what's the point of surviving a near-tragic accident if we don't learn anything from it.

The first thing I learned is, clean up after yourself.  Yesterday, I took a bubble bath to relax.  I can't remember the last time I took a bubble bath, but there you have it.  At the end of the bath I thought it would be a good idea to give myself an invigorating scrub with a sea-salt/oil scrub I have had sitting by the side of the tub for longer than I can remember.  It seemed like a good idea to begin the new year by exfoliating all the dead cells from my 2011 body.  I rinsed off and let the water drain away.  I dried myself off and dressed for my small group bible study.  Here's where I made my first mistake.  I should have rinsed out the tub.  I should have cleaned all the residual oil out of the tub.  The slip and fall would have been avoided and I would be writing about exercise or dieting or smiling more often, whatever.  Clean up after yourself.  This is a good resolution to make for 2012.  It will save you a world of hurt and, seriously, all your family members (read - wives or moms) will love you all the more.  :)

Secondly, I learned I really need to strengthen my abdominal muscles.  I have to admit, I fell fairly slowly, as falls go.  Had I had stronger abs, I may not have fallen all the way to the ground.  I may have been able to catch myself and not hit bottom quite so hard.  So, here is the ubiquitous new year resolution, exercise more in 2012.  I think having a strong core can save a world of hurts.  It is certainly good for balance and supporting a lower back.

Lastly, function over form.  I don't have a non-slip bath mat in my tub because I've always thought they look ugly.  I depended on the slight texture imprinted on the porcelain bottom of the tub.  Big Mistake.  I will be going out shopping for a non-slip bath mat for my tub as soon as possible.  Form following function.  This is an architectural truism and I'm going to make it a credo in my life.  Ornamental foo-foo is not essential.  It has, in fact, become dangerous as I grow older.  As I write this, I see this lesson goes to another ubiquitous resolution, clearing clutter.  Form over function.  If it does not have a function in my home or my life, it does not need to be in my home or my life.  This year I will be ruthless in the quest for minimalism in my life. 

It seems this post has ended up to be a resolution post without even trying.  Happy New Year and a Blessed 2012 to you all.  Now, back to the grindstone, salt mine, get your ass in gear, get back in the saddle, or whatever work idiom you like to use.  The vacation is over.  :)

New ceilings and other updates

This afternoon I want to share an update on the reparations to our home from the damage inflicted by hurricane Irene on August 27, 2011 .  A date burned into my memory.  Good news everyone, the projects are moving along.  If you remember the last house update post I wrote after getting my roof replaced, I have a new roof!, on October 21, 2011, let you know of all the happiness I was feeling at that time.  And, as an aside, I got two or three comments on that post from roofing contractors.  They weren't the roofers I used, but roofers will take advertising any way they can get it and my roof was the prettiest roof I'd ever seen.  :)

Today I will share the news that the ceilings of my son's room, my room and the dining room have all been replaced and painted.  Also, my attic is now fully insulated with new, fresh insulation.  We are warm and dry.  I came home from work yesterday to the smell of paint.  It was a wonderful smell.  It made me feel so good I almost forgot about the three days of living in a total mess caused by having drywall replaced and having a ceiling spray-textured and having all your furniture moved into hallways and entryways and stubbing your toe a hundred times.  It's All Good.  I also want you to know the guy installing the drywall in my house was a total professional.  He did a perfect job.  It is such a joy to have honest, professional craftsmen doing work in your home.  I thanked him and I thanked God for him.  I'd show you pictures, but you would just see pictures of ceilings and they don't make fascinating subjects.  But, I gotta tell ya, they are GORGEOUS.

I fully expect to have many comments from all the drywall guys out there in the internets.  Feel free to comment away.  Right now, I LOVE you guys.

We are currently in the midst of having our deck replaced.  The actual decking material is back-ordered, so we will have to wait a little longer before it is finished.  Right now it is framed and the footings have been poured.  It looks like it's going to be a deck.  It looks like it's going to be a beautiful deck.

I am so positive about all the things getting accomplished at my house.  It's a good feeling, to me, to have things getting checked off my list.  I see the light at the end of this tunnel and it's getting brighter and brighter.

I copied my list from the "new roof" post and crossed a few things off.  <3 this.  :)

• Drywall - the drywall guy came today and gave me an estimate.  It was higher than the insurance adjuster figured, but we will see if we can get her to change her mind.  :)   (btw, the insurance adjuster did change her mind on the dining room ceiling and included it in the repairs.  :))
• Paint 
• Clean carpet - when we have the carpeting cleaned, we will know immediately if we need to replace it.  If there is a strong smell of mold, the carpeting goes.  *between you and me, I think there is going to be mold.  I've seen the evidence, but I'll play by the insurance rules.*  (the carpet cleaners are coming on Tuesday)
• Deck replacement - fingers crossed, this will start next week. (halfway done)
• Window replacement - just ordered the window yesterday.  It will take six weeks to come in.
• Remove all trees leaning AWAY from the house - I have no idea when we will start on this.
• Remove trees in back yard - these trees fell into our back yard, but these were trees growing on common (*read, community center property)  We will have to deal with the HOA on this.  (Oh, I'm on the board of the HOA.  It will be interesting to see how this goes.)  (it went very well.  The HOA is going to remove four of the trees)
• Have a Merry Christmas?  I hope so.  :)  (I think Christmas is going to be the BEST EVER)

Thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes in our recovery.  It's been a great feeling to have the support of my blogging friends.  You guys ROCK. (no pun intended.  get it?  sheet-rock)

I have a new roof!

I am so happy.  You just cannot imagine the happiness I feel.  A roof.  A roof over my head.  A secure roof with no broken trusses or holes.  I am smiling from ear to ear.  I know this sounds silly to say one can get so excited over a roof, but it's true.  I am thrilled.  This is the first step in the restoration of my home.  My sanctuary.  My nest.  The roof is so pretty.  It sounds funny to say it is pretty, but it is a pretty roof.

A short list of chores still to come:

• Drywall - the drywall guy came today and gave me an estimate.  It was higher than the insurance adjuster figured, but we will see if we can get her to change her mind.  :)
• Paint 
• Clean carpet - when we have the carpeting cleaned, we will know immediately if we need to replace it.  If there is a strong smell of mold, the carpeting goes.  *between you and me, I think there is going to be mold.  I've seen the evidence, but I'll play by the insurance rules.*
• Deck replacement - fingers crossed, this will start next week.
• Window replacement - just ordered the window yesterday.  It will take six weeks to come in.
• Remove all trees leaning AWAY from the house - I have no idea when we will start on this.
• Remove trees in back yard - these trees fell into our back yard, but these were trees growing on common (*read, community center property)  We will have to deal with the HOA on this.  (Oh, I'm on the board of the HOA.  It will be interesting to see how this goes.)
• Have a Merry Christmas?  I hope so.  :)

My pretty new roof

Procrastination

Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. ~ William James

True this.

I've got a few thing hanging over my head lately.  They are, without a doubt, exhausting me.  I'm not tired from doing, but I'm tired of thinking I SHOULD be doing them.  I have a list.  Maybe if I write this list and share it with all of you, I will start accomplishing SOMETHING.

But, before I write the list, I want to talk a bit about procrastination.  I want to talk about good procrastination and bad procrastination.  I've learned there are three types of procrastination.  Depending on what you do instead of working on something, you:

1. do nothing
2. work on something less important
3. work on something more important

I will suggest the type 3 individual is doing good procrastination.  He is putting off the small stuff to take care of the big stuff.  I'm going to suggest many moms fall into being the type 3 procrastinators.  I believe being actively involved with your children is a "big stuff" project, as opposed to dusting the bookshelf.  However, watching Ellen instead of being actively involved with your children or dusting is a type 1 or bad procrastination.
 
This is certainly the "reader's digest" condensed version of this theory, but I hope you are getting my drift.  Some of the small stuff things, like mowing the lawn, filing your taxes, grocery shopping, and the like, will eventually become big stuff problems if avoided long enough.  So even though you may have big stuff in your lives, like raising children, running a business, finishing your dissertation, writing the next great American novel, you eventually have to deal with some of the small stuff before they become big problems.

And this is where I find myself.  Lately I've been dealing with the big problem of my broken house and destroyed landscaping.  I've been hoping the roofer, we have ALREADY hired, will start replacing our roof.  I thought when this finally began my paralysis on doing other jobs, *read small stuff*, would end.  But, no roofing work has begun.  No repairs on the house are underway.  Now the small stuff is starting to build up and weigh heavily on my mind.  My procrastination must end.  I can no longer use the excuse of fixing my house to keep me from doing the small stuff.  So, back to the concept of writing down my list.

• Send in my winter CSA contract and check
• Iron all the clothes I have piled on the chair in my bedroom
• Fill out the tax forms for donations to Vintage Value
• Send church the letter telling them we have moved on to a different church
• Pull weeds and pull overgrown annuals out of my flower beds
• Wash all the mildew off the front door of my house
• Call the rancher and order my lamb
• Work with my son to sort through stuff from his room
• Go for a walk every now and then *read start exercising*

Wish me luck.  :)  Oh, while I was thinking about getting some of these things done, I rewrote Carly Simon's Anticipation to fit my post today.  If I felt ambitious I would have sung it and made a YouTube.  Maybe I'll do that someday...  When I find some time.

I don’t ever finish all the chores I have to do

But I think about them all the day

And I wonder if I'm really going to do them now

Or just wait ‘til after what Ellen has to say.

Procrastination, Procrastination

It’s making me late

It’s keeping you waiting

And I tell you how easy it is to put things off

And how right it feels to nothing at all.

But I rehashed the things I have to do last night

Then started thinking about how to avoid this work.

Procrastination, Procrastination

It’s making me late

It’s keeping you waiting

And tomorrow we might not have clean clothes

I'm no prophet, but I know we will need food

So I'll try to get out to the grocery store

I'll get to it, 'cause I'll get it done someday.

I'll get it done someday.

I'll get to it, 'cause I'll get it done someday.

I'll get it done someday.

I'll get it done someday.

I'll get it done someday.

I'll get it done someday.

  I'll get it done someday.  

 

 

I guess I should get working on that list now.  :)

When will it be normal?

Mess and disorganization are very upsetting to me.

I'm trying to figure out how to cope with the mess I am forced to live in, just now, and be happy.  I'm struggling.  I'm learning things about myself I don't like very much.  One thing I've learned is that right now and I mean RIGHT NOW, all I want to do is eat.  I want to get a sandwich and chips and eat.  It's not a meal time and I'm really not hungry, but the desire to stuff these helpless feelings down deep inside me with food is very strong.  I don't like it.  And, I don't want to eat.

Another unhealthy coping mechanism I'm using is anger.  I'm crabby and angry.  I know my house was not the most broken by Irene, by far.  I know there are many others in far worse shape than I am, but my feelings are real.  I find myself lashing out or using an unpleasant tone when I respond to others.  Especially people who are complaining about throwing out 5 lbs. of hamburger because their power was off for 2 or 3 days.  I want to tell them to Shut UP!  This is not a good thing.  I think about people I admire.  People with the ability to show grace under pressure.  People with the ability to smile in the face of personal problems.  How Do They Do IT?  I want to be like that.  I want to smile.  I just can't make my face do it right now.

And, of course, there is my good friend alcohol.  Oh friend, I don't want to spend so much time with you.  It certainly numbs me to these crummy feelings, but it doesn't make them go away.  When the soothing effects of alcohol wear off, my feelings are Right There.  Big as life.  No better than they were before I drank.  And, alcohol is fattening.  And, my self control and "noshing" go unchecked under its influence.  This is not good.

What I know, intellectually, is that my house is fixable.  It's going to take a long time to get the insurance adjuster out to my house, but in the end, my house is fixable.  I'm going to need to get my roof fixed.  Maybe I'll feel better when I have a better patch on the roof than a piece of plastic.  Maybe.  I know I will have to pay a hefty deductible to get everything that needs to be fixed, fixed.  I struggle with the amount of the deductible and the cost of the work that needs to be done.  Btw, we can all thank Katrina for the change in the insurance standards and the amount of the deductibles now being 2-3% of your property value.  I know I will need to re-insulate my attic.  I know I will have to have the drywall replaced in my son's room.  Btw, drywalling is super messy.  I know I will have to have the carpet replaced in my son's room and probably the hallway.  I hope I can get it to match the carpet that won't be replaced.  I will paint, clean, get new drapes, get new light fixtures, redecorate... get back to normal.  And this is just INSIDE THE HOUSE.  Let's chat about my yard.  The tree guys we hired to remove the tree from the roof, dropped the tree on my deck.  I really hate that deck, but... another mess.  I have 20 trees either on the ground or leaning.  These have to be cut and removed.  Sorry husband, there is NO WAY we need that much fire wood.  All the trees on the ground came out of the ground.  The root balls are GIGANTIC.  I don't need ten new water features in my yard and I can tell you, dirt is expensive.

These are all the things I know.  I'm a smart cookie.  But, I have feelings.  And I hate my feelings right now.

I know, intellectually, my feelings do not control me.  My feelings are not facts.  My feelings are not reality.  However, my feelings are very strong.  I'm having difficulty overcoming my feelings.  I don't want to use food or alcohol or hostility to people around me to make myself feel better.  But, right now, I'm at a loss.   I didn't feel this way yesterday, but today I do.

Let me tell you a little story I feel may be contributing to my poor attitude.  Monday I went to work.  There was really nothing for me to do at home.  The tree guy was coming to remove the tree from the house, and my husband agreed to take the day (morning) off to be home for that.  Really, guys like cranes and ropes and chainsaws and those things really do nothing for me.  So, I went to work.  I drove through our neighborhood.  It's not easy to drive through my neighborhood.  There are trees leaning, branches piled up on the shoulders of the road, branches sticking out into the road.  It makes it hard to concentrate on driving because your eyes are drawn to the devastation all around you.  But, I get out to the main road and away from my neighborhood and things begin to look normal.  I get to my office, and it looks normal.  Sure, there is some damage and some of the lights are out, but it's not too bad.  So I work.  I focus on what feels normal to me.  Work.  Then my hairdresser calls and asks me if I would like to come in for color.  (she canceled me me on Friday, before the storm, to do her own hurricane prep)  I agree to come in.  I need the color.  While driving to her salon I notice all the devastation on Rt. 5, north of the college I work at.  There are areas with power lines on the ground.  So many trees are down, I can even begin to count them.  There are SMECO trucks everywhere.  I get to my friend's salon and things seem normal.  We chat.  We tell storm stories.  It all feels so removed from me, like the hurricane is something that happened to someone else, as I sit in the chair and she colors my hair.  We finish and I pay.  I now know things are NOT really normal, because I didn't even think to make my next appointment.  Normally, I would.  (maybe this misstep is more telling than I first thought)  I drive home.  I enter my neighborhood.  And I am shocked by the look of it.  I was just there this morning.  Nothing has changed.  Why am I shocked?  And this was just the first time I struggled through these feelings.  It keeps happening to me.  Every time I look around my yard or my street or my neighborhood, I'm shocked at the devastation.  It doesn't feel normal to me.

So, I know what my desire is.  My desire is to get back to normal.  My normal.  But it's a long way from now to normal.  The trick is to learn how to make the transition in the most healthy way.  *Sigh*  Now this is off my chest.  I know it sounds like a big whine.  (yeah, pass the cheese)  I needed to do this.  I don't feel like eating anymore.  I think this is good.  Thanks for letting me share.  It feels good to talk about it.  I may need to do this again.  :)

Less is more. It's happiness.

"To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness."  Bertrand Russell

This was my fb status today.  Everyday I post a quote from a philosopher, poet, celebrity, or artist with the word "happy" or "happiness" in it.  Some of them are quite silly.  Some of them are quite deep.  Today's quote is really making me think.  This quote is contrary to what most Americans believe, in my opinion.  I know my son believes having "things" will make him happy.  He's a collector.  I've watched our government struggle to deal with the national debt crisis.  I've heard politicians say they are unwilling to give up programs and entitlements the country can no longer afford.  I've heard politicians say they are unwilling to ask the American people to give them more money to pay for these programs and entitlements.  I will be keeping my opinion on this crisis to myself, since I'm not a ranting political blogger.  But, I have opinions.  I've mentioned before, one of my guilty pleasures is the tv show Hoarders.  I understand this show is about people with an actual mental illness when it comes to having "things."  I know there are LOTS of people with a desire for things beyond their needs.  Can you say "self-storage centers."  By the number of those facilities I notice in my travels, we Americans should be SUPER happy.  We have so many things we can't even fit them all in our homes.

Bertrand Russell was a philosopher.  He investigated the concept of happiness.  One of his concepts for attaining happiness was to keep zest in one's life.  Russell equated zest for life as hunger is for food.  He said we should work for our happiness.  It shouldn't come to us easily.  Happiness is a desire that is best fulfilled when there is a difficulty to overcome.  We are the most happy when we succeed at something taking great effort to attain.  This draws me back to our political situation.  I remember the surprise and applause and general happiness sweeping through the House chamber when the Honorable Gabby Giffords entered to vote on the bill.  It wasn't whether her vote was to be yea or nay.  It was her presence in Washington after suffering a gunshot wound to the head.  It was the very fact she had overcome great hardship to be in that chamber.  This was the source of the happiness at this hour.

Russell believed the greatest deterrent to happiness was, what he called, "the disease of over self-absorption."  This is something I wholeheartedly agree with.  We, as humans, are happiest when we think of others and take the focus off ourselves.  We are social creatures and sometimes, I'm afraid, our diminishing face-to-face contact through use of social mediums, digital communication, electronic warfare, etc. is crippling us in this aspect.  The biggest danger of this disease of self-absorption is to begin to see others as objects of comparison.  This is a dangerous game to play.  Coveting our neighbor's wife.  Keeping up with the Jones'.  By interacting, face-to-face, with other humans we have a chance to develop empathy and see other as people and save ourselves from self-absorption.

Being without is the only way to develop desire.  And, not every empty space needs to be filled with "things."  Today's quote struck a cord with me and my desire for minimalism.  It encourages me to keep freeing myself of my stuff and move on with my life.

Spring Cleaning

There is nothing like a couple warm days to make me want to clean the entire house from top to bottom.  I want to get rid of EVERYTHING.  I want clear counter tops and dresser tops.  I want the floors to be clear of every last unneeded object.  I get this feeling, this NEED to clear out the junk, right in my bones.  Where does this feeling come from?  I asked my husband if he felt it too.  He said, "no I don't."  A couple days ago I had the carpets in my upstairs rooms cleaned.  I had to pick up everything from the floor.  Of course, I stashed it all.  In the bathroom.  In the closet.  On the bed.  Anywhere I could find.  Now I'm trying to get rid of all that STUFF.  I don't want to put it back in the piles previously scattered about the rooms.  I have a name for this.  I call it Pile-itis.  It is the disease of stacking stuff upon stuff.  I know I'm not the only sufferer of this dreaded disease.  I know, also, this disease is hereditary.  It is a dominant gene trait.  I know I inherited this disease from my father.  If there was a flat surface in the home of my childhood, my father piled stuff on it.  If there was a design on the floor of our basement, I couldn't tell you what it was.  My father had every square inch of that floorspace COVERED with piles of stuff.  And, don't you dare touch any of it, because he knew just what was in each pile and he needed that stuff.

Jeff Lewis kitchen

Now, as I write this, I am afraid you may think I'm talking about hoarding.  Like the show on A&E, Hoarders.  I'm not talking about ANYTHING on that level.  And, although my desire is to be free of "stuff" like the guy on the Bravo show, Flipping Out.  I don't think I'll ever reach that level either.  Although, I LOVE the look of the empty counters and tables.  So, neither my father, nor I have reached clinical levels of hoarding or compulsion.

Another thing about this condition (I don't think I should call it a disease anymore, because, I'm starting to worry myself and have second thoughts about the whole thing.  I don't have any pictures to prove this, but REALLY, I'm not a hoarder.  Really.) is that it is controllable.  I think the most important thing in controlling this condition is to NOT marry (or cohabit) with someone equally afflicted.  This can cause a problem that very well may involve having a television show come to your house.  Seriously.

I just have a BURNING desire to go home and clean up piles of stuff.  It doesn't happen often, but it does seem to happen at this time of the year.  I also have a BURNING desire to have my husband clean all the crap (See how my stuff is stuff and his stuff is crap.  How did that happen?) out of the garage.  I just hate seeing that stuff as I get in my car every morning.  I really don't like it.  Kind of hate it, but not enough to nag him about this.  Remember, I'm a dissertation widow.   He just writes and works and writes and works.

The one good thing about this urge to clean is that it doesn't seem to last too long.  It seems to last about a month.  And, if the weather turns cold, maybe not that long.  So, strike while the iron is hot.  Clean clean and clean.  This too shall pass.

Btw, in May I HAVE to wash all the windows.  Crazy, huh?