Dreaming of my dream home

I'm sitting here gazing out at the ocean, watching the waves roll into the shore.  I think I could enjoy this view for the rest of my life.  The blue/green colors in the water sooth my soul.  The sound of the waves breaking on the shore lull me into a peaceful state of mind.  The white foam against the beige sand and the spray rising from a cresting wave reinforce the feeling of strength in mother nature.   I am drawn to the vastness of the sea intrigued to see what lies on the far side of the horizon.

I started writing this post while I was on vacation in Daytona Beach.  Unfortunately my internet connection was too poor to finish the post and get it on the blog at that time.  So now I'm sitting at my desk in my office.  The "window shaker" air conditioning unit is buzzing so loud I can barely hear myself think.  And all I can think about is the view from my hotel room at the beautiful Atlantic Ocean.

I can practically hear the ocean and smell the breeze.  This view restores my soul.

I've never felt this way before.  I lived most of my childhood in the same house in a southwest suburb of Chicago (yay BlackHawks!).  When I moved out of my parent's home I moved about 15 miles away to live just inside the city limits to work in the hospital I was born in.  Then I married my husband and moved into his house.  During my marriage we moved from place to place always finding a house we could easily resell.  If we were very lucky, we lived in Navy housing.  Every place we lived was a nice place, but I would never have called any of them my dream house.

I live in a lovely house.  You've seen a bit of the outside of my house if you read any of my Irene posts.  In fact, I have a much nicer deck on the house now.  Thanks to Irene.  Even though I have a lovely house, in a lovely neighborhood, I've never like living here in the mid-Atlantic region in the area I live.  It's fairly rural.  They say it's becoming a bedroom community of Washington DC.  However, I don't thing living 80+ miles from the city is very suburban.  AND, I live on a peninsula between the Patuxent River and the Potomac Rive.  Let's just say that water is very isolating.  You don't "accidentally" end up driving through my area.  If you are here, this is where you were going to or else you are SUPER lost.  Long story short... I don't live in my dream house.

Is Daytona Beach my dream location?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I like visiting there.  I like that it is somewhat urban.  It's not as urban as I would like, but there is a downtown area.  I found a building I would like to live in.  It's on the beach.  So, it's not in the downtown area of the city.  Oh, I think I should back up a minute here.  I've decided I don't want to live in a house anymore.  I'm ready for apartment living.  I know there are crazy high condo fees and I won't have my complete privacy.  I know there is a good chance I may see someone in the elevator and I'd have to say hello, but I think I can do that now.  Now you know, my dream house is an apartment, not a house.  Anyway, I found a building that is across the street of a grocery store, bank, and drug store.  Everything I would need on a day to day basis is withing walking distance.  I love that.  AND, it's on the beach.  I love that.

This is my new reality.  I sit at work and I daydream about my dream house.  I go on Trulia and look at pictures of apartments in the building I like.  I daydream of sitting on the balcony and gazing over the ocean.

I wonder if any of this will make the time I need to spend at work go by any faster?  I wonder if I'm just torturing myself?  It doesn't matter, because this is where I am in my life right now.  It sort of feels like waiting and hoping and dreaming.  I've never felt like this before.  Typically I'm the type of person that is satisfied just where I am, doing just what I need to do, but now I've found myself becoming a dreamer.  I can't decide if I like it or not.

313.  Lunch date with my son
314.  The bus family is rolling away from my area
315.  Daydreaming about my future
316.  Watermelon
317.  The quiet of a building empty of people who are burning "use or lose" leave
318.  Co-worker that is becoming more of a friend every day
319.  Window shopping for apartments on the internet

The importance of a name

What's in a name?  I just started a study of the names of God.  I was asked to consider how a name defines a person.  I have an old name.  My name is a very uncommon name these days.  If you ever hear someone with my name, chances are they are over 50.  Yep, names come in and out of fashion.  The first of the many names of God that I'm going to look at is the name Jehovah.

YHWH / YAHWEH / JEHOVAH: “LORD” (Deuteronomy 6:4; Daniel 9:14) – strictly speaking, the only proper name for God. Translated in English Bibles “LORD” (all capitals) to distinguish it from Adonai, “Lord.” The revelation of the name is first given to Moses “I Am who I Am” (Exodus 3:14). This name specifies an immediacy, a presence. Yahweh is present, accessible, near to those who call on Him for deliverance (Psalm 107:13), forgiveness (Psalm 25:11) and guidance (Psalm 31:3).

(I found the above definition here.) 

I learned a lot of, what may be considered, trivial stuff about this name for God.  First, the name YHWH was so holy it was not spoken aloud.  Secondly, when scribes were copying the bible and they got to this name, YHWH, they stopped writing.  They took a bath.  They got a new pen.  They wrote the name.  Then they threw the pen away.  This is how holy the name of God was to them.  Btw, this name of God, YHWH, is in the bible just under 7,000 times.  (that is a lot of baths and pens)

Hearing about the reverence there used to be (and maybe in some circles, still is) is inspiring to me.  I have to admit, I use the Lord's name in vain more than I like to say.  Can you believe that many of us use this holy name as an expression?  We say it when we are surprised.  Shame on us.  There was a time (way back in the olden days, when I was in my 20s) that the name of God could not be used as an expletive or a word of surprise or swearing on t.v.  Seriously.  I'm not kidding.  It used to be considered improper television content.  With more than half of the shows on t.v. being "reality" shows, we hear the lord's name used in vain constantly.  AND, the writers on scripted television have no qualms about writing the lord's name, to be used in vain, into the script.

I am going to stop it.  I may not learn a whole lot from this study (although I hope I do), but I am going to let this study stop the way I speak.  After all, you don't hear anyone on t.v. or in the movies say, "Oh my Allah!" or "Buddah, damn it!"  AND, I'll bet you would get kind of sick of hearing your boss use your name as an expletive all day long.  ("What?  You weren't calling me?")  Why is the name of the God I serve any less precious?

I'd like to share this meditation about this name of God, I Am who I Am.  I know it's gotten me through some difficult times.  These difficult times were often when I was regretting the past and fearing the future. 

My name is "I AM" He paused, I waited, He continued:
'When you live in the past with its mistakes and regrets, It is hard.
I am not there. My name is not I was.
When you live in the future with its problems and fears, It is hard.
I am not there. My name is not I will be.
When you live in this moment, It is not hard,
I am here. My name is "I AM."

271.  My husband and his birthday
272.  The color yellow (it just screams SPRING)
273.  Bumblebees (they just shouldn't be able to fly)
274.  Coming into work an hour late (wink, wink)
275.  Getting caught up on my work
276.  Learning more about myself and starting to like myself more because of it
277.  My name, Judy  (I knew you wanted to know it)

Snow day!

I read this blog from Barbie about taking care of herself.  She said she didn't have time to take care of herself because she was so busy with all all her responsibilities, like her full-time job and taking care of her husband and teaching her children.  She was putting herself last on her to-do list.  She was finding that most days (oh, let's not kid ourselves), every day, she wasn't making it to the bottom of her to-do list.

Even before I read her post I have been thinking about all the things I wish I would do for myself, but I don't because I'm too tired.  My list isn't even all that decadent or self indulgent.  In fact, most of the things on my list of things I wish I would do for myself are good things.

I want to:

• floss my teeth every night
• use retin A two or three nights a week
• use my masque two or three nights a week
• use lotion on my skin every night (the tamoxifen is so drying)
• exercise my body, just a little 
• read my bible every day, just a little
• write on my blog four or five times a week

Today I had a snow day.  (it isn't snowing, but the school is closed anyway, BooYah!)  I woke up at 4 a.m. and saw that it had not snowed, so I wasn't expecting this gift of time.  This time is a godsend, in the true definition of the word.  So far this morning I have use my masque, slathered lotion all over myself and I'm writing my blog.  You can't even imagine how good this makes me feel.

Lately it's been very busy at work.  And, I've been sick (again).  I got whatever was going around the school a second time.  Crummy.  It's just not the same being home sick and being home not sick.  I feel like I can get something accomplished.  I'm one of those weird people that think I can get things done at home, even when I'm sick.  I can't, of course, but I think I can and then I'm disappointed in myself. 

Since I didn't really plan for this snow day I didn't run to the store for all the staples.  (you know, vodka, olives and brie)  Since I'm home with no junk food, I'm going to have to eat healthy today.  I've got more than two dozen eggs, so I see a quiche in my future.  My son wants me to hem the sheers he bought for his sliding glass door, so I see sewing in my future.  My husband reminded me we are going to Old Town Alexandria for the weekend and we only have plans for Saturday night.  Since we are going up on Friday I suggested we call some friends we haven't seen in a couple years and see if they can have dinner on Friday.  (yay! they can)  You cannot believe how good this makes me feel.  I am an introvert and making the effort to see friends can be a real effort for me.  I'm proud of myself for thinking of it and then actually making the call.  She's a teacher, so I guessed she was having a snow day, too.

I'm going to read a chapter in Job after I publish this post.  I love reading Job and being reminded of keeping faith, even when things aren't going my way.  I love reading about who God is.  Speaking of reading the bible, there is a special 5-part series on the History channel called The Bible.  It's very good.  I've only seen the first part of the series.  I'm looking forward to watching the whole thing.

I am inspired by Barbie's post to take time for self care.  I think Steven Covey called it "sharpening the saw."  I need to make my tiny list a priority for each week and not just on a snow day, but I'll take any time for myself I can get.

Look for me to comment later today to see what I accomplished on my snow day.  If you're having a snow day, enjoy yourself and let's be careful out there.  (so Hill Street Blues.  look it up.)

203.  The gift of time
204.  My restored energy and being healthy
205.  Leftover Italian wedding soup for lunch
206.  Super deal on The Walking Dead Compendium 2 on Ebay
207.  Praying for people I've only met on the blogs
208.  Old friends
209.  Blog friends

Why saying "no" isn't a bad thing

NO is a word that is fast becoming obsolete in this nation.

Parents don't want to say "no" to their children.  They want to be the parents that say "yes" to every request.  They don't want to deny their children anything.

Workers won't say "no" to their bosses.  They want to say "yes" to the extra projects and late nights at the office.  They want to do whatever they think will keep them in the job.  Denying their personal life for what they think is job security.

Doctors won't say "no" to patients who want to use the most advertised medications on tv.  They won't turn down a nose-job or a boob-job, even if they patient is a minor.

Girls won't say "no" to boys when asked for sex or "sexting" or whatever they desire from them at the time.  They want to be loved and accepted and they believe that saying "yes" to the boy will get them what they want.

The list of those that won't say "no" goes on and on.  (I'm talking to you, John Boehner)

What can saying "no" do for you?

Saying "no" can save you money. 
There is nothing wrong about saying you don't want to spend the money.  Parents need to know that saying "no" to many kid requests will save them money and teach the kids to postpone pleasure.  Teaching austerity isn't a bad thing.  What kind of adult will they be if they've never learned to accept the word "no?"  I'm going to guess they will be an adult with a large credit card balance.  (yeah, we've got a lot of them right now)

Saying "no" can lead to better opportunities.
Just think if that employee says "no" to his boss's request to absorb the work of a vacated position.  Just think if that employee puts the time spent with his family above the needs of the boss.  Just think if that employee looked for another job and could possibly give him the respect for a personal life that his current job isn't providing.  Hanging on to something good could be denying you something better.

Hearing the word "no" could be good for you.
A child that hears the word "no" can learn to put off immediate gratification for delayed gratification.  Delayed gratification teaches will power, self-control, patience. and impulse control.  These are all attributes of character that are highly desirable in adults.  A boy that hears the word "no" from a girl when asked to perform for him, sexually now has the opportunity to learn to respect women.  These boys can grow up to have higher regard for the needs of their wives and daughters.  They can become men with self-control and integrity.

Saying "no" can give you the time, money, self-respect, and so much more.  I think saying "no" needs to be regarded with the empowerment and positivity it can give.

20.  Peppermint scented body lotion and hand soap
21.  Home made turkey and gnocchi soup
22.  Losing some of the holiday weight (because I'm saying "no" to sweets)
23.  Kind comments from blog readers
24.  Brach's butterscotch hard candies (make me remember my grandpa)
25.  Noticing the days getting longer
26.  Hand sanitizer (everyone around this place is coughing or sneezing)
27.  An IT department that is super helpful during this Google transition
28.  Going to the farm to get fresh vegetables, even in the winter
29.  Having a new flat iron (a Christmas gift from my son)  It is the best thing ever

2013... Here I come, ready or not

2013 is going to be a great year.

I'm going to do what I love ('cause life is too short to do anything else)

I'm going to believe in my ideas ('cause if I don't, who will?)

I'm going to take calculated risks ('cause anything worth while is worth taking a chance on)

I'm going to juggle well and do it with a smile ('cause when you smile you keep them guessing)

I'm going to trust others ('cause it means I'm taking a risk)

I'm going to say NEXT to the naysayers ('cause I don't need that negativity in my life)

I'm going to be proud of my failures ('cause it means I'm trying)

I'm praying 2013 brings you everything your heart desires. Keep pushing yourself and keep believing in YOUR ideas. You owe it to yourself.....you deserve it!

Happy New Year!

1.  A week of intense rest and relaxation
2.  Making new friends
3.  Staying home on New Year's Eve with my favorite people
4.  Time to read BOOKS
5.  Reading Christmas cards from old friends
6.  Hope for a very good 2013
7.  Peace in the knowledge that God is in control
8.  Love for my God and my neighbor
9.  Being happy with myself

Who is the failure?

Last night my son was eating his dinner at the kitchen table, I was sitting on the couch watching the RHOBH and sipping on a vodka and tonic, and my husband was sitting on the couch playing with his iPad.  Then my son says to me, "I think, you think I'm a failure."

I'm going to guess that many of my readers are thinking I must have been devastated by these words.  To be completely honest, I wasn't.  (just a minute, let me pull this knife out of my chest and get a tissue for all this blood.)  I will say, however, it stung a bit.

This summer has been a HUGE learning opportunity for me.  You know what God Oprah says, "The universe (aka God) is always trying to get your attention. Sometimes it starts out -- any major problem you encounter -- as a whisper. By the time it gets to be a storm, you've had a pebble knock you upside the head; you've had a brick; you've had a brick wall; you've had a house fall down. And before you know it, you are in the eye of the storm. But long before you are in the eye of the storm, you've had many warnings, like little clues."

The first thing about whatever it is that I'm supposed to be learning began with the trip to MN to visit my parents and ALL the family.  This was a big learning opportunity.  I learned that no matter what I do I will never please my father.  Seriously, even if I do exactly what he asked me to do and I do it completely successfully and I do it better than even I could imagine it being done, it isn't good enough.  Even if I (and my brothers) take the money my father insisted with use to form an investment group.  Invest the money and actively try to grow this investment.  Even if the purpose of giving us this money was to try to control his children and force them into having to interact with each other as adults, whether we wanted to do this or not and believe me it hasn't always been easy but in the end we have figured out how to get along and manage the money and our relationships and it only took 15 or so years.  And we Did It!  And, he's not happy about it.  No "good job" or "you did it" or "you are great kids" or even "you didn't screw this up."  Nothing.  Silence.  Well, not silence, because I've heard some snide comments, but you know what I mean.

My husband wonders why I always consider myself a failure or find the problems in anything I do or say, even if it seems like I was successful.  I can always find my mistakes or find things I think I could have done better.  I have to tell you, these overwhelming feelings of failure don't just come a couple times each week.  They come over me any time of the day.  I can be walking into the bathroom to get ready for work and I see knik-knaks sitting on the windowsill that I've thought to myself, "you know, you should sell that stuff on eBay" and then I'll see the things sitting there, not being sold on eBay and I'll think to myself (and sometimes even say out loud), "I'm a failure."  This happens so often during a day, even I can't believe it.  For some reason I have convinced myself that anything I think I should do is something I should do and if I haven't done it and if I haven't done it better than I think anyone could do it, I'm a failure.

I don't think my son is a failure.  I told him, "I don't think you are a failure."  He hasn't failed at anything, yet.  I told him he hadn't really done anything yet either, but he was still young and had time to succeed or fail at whatever he chooses to do.  Somehow I have been a great success at reflecting my father's opinion of me onto my son.  I continued trying to be encouraging to my son and tell him over and over that I don't think he is a failure.  While I'm trying to say encouraging things, my husband is translating what I'm saying to my son, so he can hear it in a positive tone.  (is the irony of my screen name and blog name showing?)  Who knows if my son can even hear anything encouraging or positive from me anymore.  Maybe after 25 years of listening to the sound of my voice, maybe "pass the salt" sounds like "you're a failure" to him when it comes out of my mouth.

I believe God is showing me the how and why of my personality and showing me clearly, that I need to work on positivity harder and stronger than I've been working on it.  I thought I was getting more positive.  And, maybe I have.  Maybe I wouldn't have noticed how negatively my father behaves if not for becoming a more positive person.  Maybe my son wouldn't have had the courage to say those words to me if not for noticing I've become a more positive person.  Maybe...  maybe...

I know I don't want to get to the point of being in the eye of the storm.  I don't even want my house to fall down on me (I've been close enough to that when the tree fell on my house).  Those words from my son's mouth last night were definitely a pebble hitting me in the head.  Yeah, it hurt a little.  It hurt enough to get my complete attention.  Being encouraging.  Being positive.  Being Happy.  These are the important things to be.

480.  My son and his honesty
481.  My son and his love for me
482.  My son and his trust in me
483.  My son and his faith in God
484.  My husband for translating my words and tone for my son to hear

Mark Stivers 2004

Everything looks easy

Everything looks easy when you watch someone who knows what they are doing, doing it.  Baseball looks easy when you watch the pros play.  But it's not easy to hit a ball or throw a strike.  It takes talent and practice and sacrifice of other things to do more practice.  Taking pictures looks easy when you go to a gallery and see pictures hanging on the wall.  But it's not easy to capture the most beautiful image.  It takes talent and patience and an eye for beauty.  A beautiful image comes from taking hundreds and hundreds of pictures and learning from your mistakes.  Baking a cake looks easy.  But it's not easy to bake.  It takes patience and practice and measuring and technique.  Everything looks easy until you give it a try.  Then you discover the work it takes to do a thing well.  Then you discover the talent people have who can perform or produce or bake or build.  Everything looks easy when you watch.  It's the doing that is hard.  It is the follow through that is hard.  It is the practice something takes to do well.  It is the discipline it takes to do well.  It is the education it takes to do well.  It is the investment of time, energy, and talent.  It is the sacrifice of leisure for study.  It is the sacrifice of sleep for practice.  It is the effort put forward that allows an activity to look effortless.

Living in a free nation seems easy.  Going to sleep at night without fear of bombs seems easy.  Walking to the store or getting on the bus to go to work without the dread of a bullet seems easy.  Anticipating an election and the possibility of a change of leadership without fear of a military presence to allow this to happen, seems easy.  But it's not.  We can thank the men and women of the Coast Guard, Air Force, Marines, Navy, and Army for the ease we feel in our nation.  Happy Memorial Day everyone.  I hope you had an opportunity to thank a service member and pray for the families of those members serving you today.

301.  The talented men and women serving our nation abroad
302.  The talented men and women serving our nation at home
303.  A day to honor those men and women that gave the ultimate sacrifice
304.  Freedom
305.  The police, fire, and emergency responders serving in our communities every day.

Life begins at...

Conception?  Birth?  Puberty?  Adulthood?  Marriage?  After the birth of your first child?  When?

When did your life begin?  This isn't a pro-life piece, although I am pro-life and anti-abortion (aka anti-choice).  Lately I've been wondering what stage of life people consider their life to be THEIR life.  The first reason for thinking about this is because I've been thinking a lot about my son and his future.  He will turn 25 this June.  I wonder if he considers the life he's living as HIS LIFE.  I mean, he lives in his parent's house.  He lives in his room.  Because of his living situation he is compelled to follow our rules.  If he chooses not to follow the rules of our house, he cannot live in our house.  My question is this, is he living his life or is he still living a part of my life? 

I've heard questions similar to this being broached on the blogs.  Am I living my life if I'm not doing what I DREAMED of doing?  Am I living my life if all I'm doing is working a job that pays the bills and raising a family?  And if I'm not living my life, who's life is it that I am living?  They want to be rich and famous.  They want to do what they LOVE to do (not work), but make LOTS of money doing it (not work).  The 9 to 5, Monday through Friday workweek is for suckers, not them.  They are free spirits and they deserve better than this.  Where, in the rulebook of life, does it all say we get what we want?

I've also heard mommies complaining about losing themselves in the needs of their children.  They find themselves living their lives for their children and their desires get pushed to the side.  I've heard from men and women who've found themselves living in this "lousy with strip-malls" community that is neither a town nor the country and 80 miles away from anything resembling civilization.  They find themselves living their spouse's life and struggling to find a life for themselves in this place.  Unless their dream is to be a teacher or working at Walmart or Target, they are out of luck.

Does life begin when you are living your dream?  Does life begin when you are paying your own bills?  Does life begin when you are raising the next generation?  We are all different.  We all find our own sense of self.  I think it can come to each of us at any age.

For me, my life began at 14 years old.  I know that sounds young, but at 14 years of age I started taking steps to move away from my parents and be on my own.  Of course, my parents wouldn't let me move out, but all I could think about was getting out.  I got a 20 hour a week job and freed myself from my mother's choice of clothing and entertainment.  In college I worked full time.  I needed to live at home, but I paid my parents rent in order to free myself from their rules and questions.  After graduation, I moved out on my own.  All I could think about was having my own life and living it the way I wanted to live.  Freedom.

I don't have an answer for this question.  I had dreams of being a scientist.  I had a dream of being a mom.  I had dreams of traveling the world.  I kinda, sorta, did some of these things and I'm sure I'm going to do even more in the future.  I think my biggest dream was to be independent of my family of birth.  I think my dream was to not be beholding to my mom and dad in any way (particularly financial).  Even though my life has been intertwined with my husband's life and my son's life and the United States Navy, I've been able to live my life and fulfill my dreams within the web of the lives of those I love.

147.  A wonderful life with dreams small enough to be fulfilled, yet big enough to give me something to strive for
148.  Three bottles of Patron Silver (with my $200 gift card)
149.  A summer's worth of margaritas
150.  A return of wonderful spring weather
151.  Family saved from the swath of tornado activity in the mid-west
152.  Faith in God to comfort those families that were not spared
153.  The opportunity to talk with my husband on a four hour drive up and back from AC

Sorting my thoughts

I was going to call this post scattered thoughts, but I think I'm really sorting through my thoughts and attempting to find some kind of order.

I realize my train of thought has been all over the place this month.  First I blog about confrontation and my inability to people please.  Then I blog about Groundhog Day and the transformation from self-absorption to generosity of spirit.  Then I swing over to prayer and wonder if saying "I'll pray for you" has any meaning behind it or not.  Finally, I find myself back to admitting I am opinionated and have a tendency to "call people on their sh*t." 

I'm evidently doing a bit of soul searching.  This is something I love about blogging.  It allows me to see exactly what is going through in my head, typed on the computer screen.  It's the age-old push and pull between being assertive and being a doormat.  Between being liked and asserting my will.  Between being who I am and being who I should be.  Between being a strong woman or being a good girl.  Between acting like a Christian or not.

I feel like I've been sorting through a lot of stuff in my head.  I think most of what I'm thinking about stems from my recent visit with my parents.  I struggle with how much of my father I see in myself.  I struggle with the fear of my needing to be RIGHT to go so far as to disregard actual facts.  I sometimes have thoughts go through my head that make me think to myself, "dang, that's just what my father would think or say."  Since I think my dad is acting more curmudgeonly and more curmudgeonly, this scares me, A LOT.

I had a chat with a co-worker the other day.  She was saying how she wished she could be more like me and tell people exactly what she thought of them.  This comment was in the vein of letting people know when they were acting stupid or being inconsistent in their thought processes.  I didn't take it as a compliment.  I worry about this personality trait.  Don't get me wrong, this co-worker wasn't incorrect in her assessment of the situations in which she wanted to respond and let people know what she was thinking.  She was spot-on.  She chose to say nothing.  Now, maybe this was better for the individuals with the inconsistent thought process and inconsistency in their actions, but she's building an unhealthy load of resentment.  It makes me wonder.  Is my dilemma regarding my ability to speak out as unhealthy for me as the resentment that would build in me if I refrained from speaking out?   I mean, I often make these comments with a touch of humor or sarcasm, and people laugh, but they know I mean it.  Anyway, the workplace is not the area of my life I worry about.  Seriously, these are just the people I work with.  When I leave this position my leaving will have the exact same impact as the one left from pulling your finger out of a bucket of water.  There will be no trace.

I am most concerned with my ability to make and keep friendships.  I see my father and his dearth of friendships.  Granted, my dad is old and a lot of his friends have died, but not everyone.  I watch him push people as far away as possible.  I see him isolate himself at home, with my mom and resenting my mom's desire to socialize.  I don't want this to be my future.  I see my father push family away, including my brother.  I already have difficulty engaging with my son.  I don't want this to be my future.  I want a good relationship with my son.

I think I need to reinforce some of the things I know I have difficulty doing and, as the Nike ad says, Just Do It.  I need to smile more.  I need to practice kindness.  I remember at Christmastime I was really enjoying the things I was doing for the shoebox project and the families our small group supported with gifts and food.  Doing things like this really brought out my soft side.

I certainly hope I'm not fighting my DNA.  I certainly hope I can scrape away enough the curmudgeon growing inside of me to allow the gifts of the Holy Spirit shine through.  I know they are in there.

I will leave you with a link to my favorite crabby old man blog, The Problem With Young People Today.  If I knew I would age to be a curmudgeon with a wit like his, I'd be glad for it to happen.  Don is hilarious. 

Don Mills

Smiles

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world." Robert Louis Stevenson

This is the quote I've chosen to focus on in the year 2012.  The DUTY of being happy.  This is certainly a different way of thinking about happiness.  Being happy as a duty.  As a result of being happy we benefit the world.  This is a huge concept.  It certainly takes the focus off of me, doesn't it.  I always thought that being happier would benefit ME.  I would have a better life.  I would be a more positive person.  I would move through this life with a more pleasant countenance.  I never thought of it as a duty.  I never thought of my happiness being a benefit to the world.

When I first read this quote it gave me pause.  The idea of being happy to benefit others went against my idea of what happiness was.  The first thing I thought was there couldn't be any truth to this statement.  How could my happiness benefit anyone else?  I first thought of the converse of this statement.  Can my unhappiness harm the world?  The only thing that came to mind to disprove this theory was the old adage. "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized the person being resented isn't the person you come into contact on a day to day basis.  In fact, you are most likely to avoid the person you have resentments against.  And they are likely to avoid you, as well.  The people exposed to my unpleasant attitude of unhappiness haven't done anything at all to deserve being in contact with it.

I thought about people I meet who seem happy.  People who smile more than they don't smile.  These people have the ability to draw a smile out of me.  It may only last a moment, but the smile comes to my face.  I've been practicing smiling this year.  I have a little smiley face stuck to my computer monitor.  I take a few minutes out of each day, look at the smiley face and smile.  I typically start feeling a happier feeling.  Even though I'm just smiling and I've NOTHING to smile about, I feel happy.  In fact, I often remember a joke or have a recollection of a pleasant experience while I'm smiling.  I've come to the conclusion that I can trick myself into thinking I'm happy, just by smiling. 

One more thing happens while practicing this endeavor.  I enjoy practicing this smiling exercise when someone comes into my office.  I try to notice if my smiling face causes the visitor to smile, as well.  It's especially fun to see someone who was previously not smiling develop a smile on their face.  Maybe this is considered the benefit?  Maybe by encouraging another human being to smile I am benefiting that person.

This is as far as I've gotten in the experience of my happiness benefiting the world.  I'll start in my little office in a small liberal arts college in the mid-Atlantic.  I'll start smiling at a lot of people I don't feel I have very much in common with.  I'll continue the practice of putting a smile on my face.  Even though this exercise doesn't come naturally to me, I believe it is worth the effort.

Can I call myself a writer?

Look to the right.  In the margin.  See my profile?  It says "I've been blogging for a year. I'm not a writer, but I think I have something to say."  Well, I guess I consider myself a writer now.  What am I thinking?  I'm entering a writing contest being hosted by the college.  I read the requirements for the contest.  The requirements opened the contest to current students and alumni.  I was disappointed.  I wanted to enter, but I am neither a current student, nor an alum.  I crafted an email requesting permission to enter the contest as a staff member of the college.  The faculty member and judge wrote back and said, "please submit an entry.  and please talk this contest up to other staff members."  The "Assault of Laughter" contest is being hosted by the Mark Twain Lecture series.  My entry needs to be a humorous piece and it needs to be 1000 to 2000 words.  I'm thinking of fleshing out my post, In Facebook, veritas.  I'm sure I won't win, but... I certainly won't win if I don't try.  I'm stretching myself some more.  It's a little scary.  I'll keep you posted. 

Normal has returned

The final project in the restoration of my home was completed today.  It feels good to have the walls and ceilings and windows sound again.  It's good to have this all behind me.  I still have to finish putting a few of the odds and ends back into place.   But, for all intents and purposes, normal has returned to my house.  This experiences held so many lessons for me.  There is nothing like having your home, your sanctuary, invaded.  It teaches you about yourself and what you can do.

I've learned I have a strength I wasn't sure I possessed.  I'm strong enough to carry five gallon buckets of water from the attic to the bathroom all night long.  I'm strong enough to deal with insurance companies and mortgage companies who don't want to give me my money.  I'm strong enough to push my son to take action when he is paralyzed with fear.  I know I'm not the person saying quit, but the person saying persevere.  It's good to know.

I learned I'm the person who trusts my husband.  I don't have to double check his work.  I know he will do whatever is necessary to get the job done.  He spent hours (I'm not kidding or exaggerating in regard to this) on the phone with the mortgage company.  They did not want to give us our insurance money.  I think my husband learned to have confidence in me, too.

I learned I can make decisions, and then be satisfied with my decisions.  I know this may not sound like much, but for me it is.  I have a huge fear of not being to make decisions in my life.  I observed my mom and her mother, my grandmother, have difficulty making decisions in their lives.  I've had a few experiences in my life with buyer's remorse and it scared me.  I don't want to be the person that cannot make up her mind.  This experience offered opportunity after opportunity to make decisions and choices.  I rose to the challenge.  I made decision after decision without hesitation.  There are some things I'm happier with than others, but, you know what, it doesn't matter to me.  I'm not fretting over the roof being a bit lighter gray than I'd hoped.  I'm not upset the window is a half an inch taller than it should have been.  It's done.  The fact of the matter is, nobody but me will ever know the difference.

We've still got a few trees leaning this way and that way.  They will be taken care of in due time.  Normal has returned.  Life is good.

2012, the secret to living well

I was hoping to blog about my New Year's resolutions and changes I want to make in my behaviors, etc.  Instead, I'm going to write about the lessons I learned from falling in the shower this morning while getting ready to return to work after my 10-day break.

First of all, I heard this truth quite a few years ago.  Here goes, "The secret to living well into your old age is, Don't Fall Down."

This is the truth, people.  Don't fall down.  If you fall when you are a young person, it's annoying.  When you fall, as an older person, it is devastating.  Luckily, I didn't hurt myself too bad in this particular fall.  I'm not going to kid myself.  I'm going to be feeling aches and pains from this slip and fall for quite a while.  As I sit here in this cold room I can feel my lower back seizing up.  I can feel my left wrist beginning to hurt.  (and I don't really remember what I did to my wrist.  I guess I tried to catch myself.  hilarious.)  And, my butt hurts.  (tmi?)

What have I learned from this experience?  I mean, what's the point of surviving a near-tragic accident if we don't learn anything from it.

The first thing I learned is, clean up after yourself.  Yesterday, I took a bubble bath to relax.  I can't remember the last time I took a bubble bath, but there you have it.  At the end of the bath I thought it would be a good idea to give myself an invigorating scrub with a sea-salt/oil scrub I have had sitting by the side of the tub for longer than I can remember.  It seemed like a good idea to begin the new year by exfoliating all the dead cells from my 2011 body.  I rinsed off and let the water drain away.  I dried myself off and dressed for my small group bible study.  Here's where I made my first mistake.  I should have rinsed out the tub.  I should have cleaned all the residual oil out of the tub.  The slip and fall would have been avoided and I would be writing about exercise or dieting or smiling more often, whatever.  Clean up after yourself.  This is a good resolution to make for 2012.  It will save you a world of hurt and, seriously, all your family members (read - wives or moms) will love you all the more.  :)

Secondly, I learned I really need to strengthen my abdominal muscles.  I have to admit, I fell fairly slowly, as falls go.  Had I had stronger abs, I may not have fallen all the way to the ground.  I may have been able to catch myself and not hit bottom quite so hard.  So, here is the ubiquitous new year resolution, exercise more in 2012.  I think having a strong core can save a world of hurts.  It is certainly good for balance and supporting a lower back.

Lastly, function over form.  I don't have a non-slip bath mat in my tub because I've always thought they look ugly.  I depended on the slight texture imprinted on the porcelain bottom of the tub.  Big Mistake.  I will be going out shopping for a non-slip bath mat for my tub as soon as possible.  Form following function.  This is an architectural truism and I'm going to make it a credo in my life.  Ornamental foo-foo is not essential.  It has, in fact, become dangerous as I grow older.  As I write this, I see this lesson goes to another ubiquitous resolution, clearing clutter.  Form over function.  If it does not have a function in my home or my life, it does not need to be in my home or my life.  This year I will be ruthless in the quest for minimalism in my life. 

It seems this post has ended up to be a resolution post without even trying.  Happy New Year and a Blessed 2012 to you all.  Now, back to the grindstone, salt mine, get your ass in gear, get back in the saddle, or whatever work idiom you like to use.  The vacation is over.  :)

Initiative

I know I've written about "eating the frog" and getting the tough stuff done first, but developing initiative is something I struggle to have as a quality in myself and to teach to my son.

I'm currently on my winter break from work.  I work at a state college.  The state gives the staff the week between Christmas and New Year off work.  I often use this time as an opportunity to get away and visit my parents.  This year, however, I decided to stay home and reclaim my guest room and get a few more chores done around the house.

When I say I want to reclaim my guest room, I mean, I want to get all my son's stuff out of the guest room.  When a tree fell on our house during Hurricane Irene, it fell on the part of the roof over my son's room.  At that moment I told my son to hurry and get all his stuff out of his room and put it in the guest room.  I told him the ceiling could collapse at any time and if he wanted to save his stuff he had to get it out of his room as quick as possible.  After shouting in his face to snap him out of the shock he seemed to be in, he did just as I asked.

In the meantime, the drywall on the ceiling has been repaired, and painted, and the carpet has been cleaned.  Now I have two rooms in utter chaos. 

I am trying to motivate my son to get his room back in order.  In the process, I'm encouraging him to cull his possessions.  He has a serious amount of stuff.  Most of his stuff involves electronics and games.  There are a lot of wires and controllers and STUFF.

My son does not have a lot of initiative.  It seems he is paralyzed by the job set before him.  I can understand this paralysis, to a certain extent.  I struggle with a lack of initiative when it comes to doing something new.  Something I have never done before.  I get scared.  Even though the project may not be difficult, I find myself struggling to take the first step.

Today I am encouraging (read, nagging) my son to clear my guest room of his STUFF.  I'm trying to help him by giving him one box of stuff at a time to sort through, and then decide whether to keep or toss or sell.  So far, today is going pretty well.  (and by well, I mean we are not screaming at each other and some progress is being made)

The new project I want to start is to begin selling stuff on facebook.  I've discovered an on-line yard sale group in my area.  There are over 4000 members in this group.  I joined the group.  Now I need to start taking pictures and start pricing.  If this goes well, I can be having a yard sale every day of the week.  I'll let you know how I do.

Ps.  Another project I want to accomplish today is to make pounds of meatballs.  I bought a BUNCH of loose sausage from a local pig farmer.  I love to make spaghetti and meatballs and Italian wedding soup.  I need to make a bunch of big and tiny meatballs.  It's a lot of fun.  :)

My small life

I've been reflecting on this year of blogging as 2011 is drawing to a close.  As I think about it, I realize, I live a pretty small life.  By this, I mean, I have pretty small wants and desires.  My dreams for my life are pretty small.  I don't think a small life is a bad thing.  In fact, I think if I were to choose the life I would have, I would choose this life I'm living with very few changes.

I know I've done a lot to make my life the small life it is.  I've decided I want to buy local foodstuffs for my family and shop in local stores.  We have a Walmart in our town.  In the 16 years of it's doors opening, I've entered this store less than a dozen times.  It's just not where I choose to shop.  There are a couple new chain department stores in my town and I haven't been in them yet.  Clothes shopping isn't my favorite diversion.  I buy all my produce at a local farm.  I buy my meat from local farmers.  I buy my eggs and cheese from local farmers.  This is a decision our family has made.

Because of the "buying local" food thing, I have to cook my meals at home.  Going out to a restaurant is a rare occurrence for my family.  It's not that we can't afford it.  It's that we choose to eat the food we have already purchased and eat at home.  I am so grateful for the internet and the various cooking blogs out there.  There are so many homesteading blogs with women choosing to can and preserve summer bounty.  I find so much inspiration out there in the blogosphere. 

I don't wear the most fashionable clothing.  This works out well for me, as I don't attend fancy parties and events.  If I do have to attend an event, I find something in my closet I have worn before and it gets another night out on the town.  I don't feel bad about this.  The reality of the situation is, the clothes I wear to work don't make me do a better job and the clothes I wear to a party don't make my personality any more sparkling than it already is.

I don't redecorate my house very often.  I'm satisfied with the furniture and decor I chose early in my marriage and have made it work for every house we have lived in throughout my husband's naval career and second career years.  It's so much fun to think back to the days when our kitchen table served as an end table and to remember the compliments we received on our various homes.

My husband wanted to expand my life this past year by traveling more.  We went on a lot of vacations this past year.  I have to say, it was a bit tough on me.  I'm not ungrateful.  I love travel and I had a great time on each trip.  Maybe if the hurricane hadn't broken my house I would have had an easier time being away from home.  I don't know.  I felt a bit disconnected and pushed for time to get my house fixed and back in order.  There are still quite a few things that need to be fixed and organized.  I'm looking forward to my Christmas break to get some jobs done around the house.  Maybe this means I'm a "homebody."  I don't know.

My hopes and dreams for my family are small, as well.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to be a contribution to society and to be generous to those in need.  I want my son to be able to live independently and to like his job.  I want to teach my son how to make his money work for him while he is working to earn his money. 

The most important people in my life are family.  I wish my mother lived closer to me, but she would probably want my father to come with her and I like him just where he is.  I have wonderful friends.  They are interesting and fun to hang around with.  My entertainment needs are small and my son has introduced me to Netflix streaming.  It's not great, but there is a TON of South Park on it.

My job is pretty small.  I'm a secretary.  And, I've recently discovered, through an "ALL STAFF" email from the president that I'm a non-essential employee.  It appears of the approximately 250 staff members where I work, only 18 of them were deemed essential and given raises.  Evidently, my boss is one of the essential employees.  Gee, I wonder if I helped him out at all?  I guess he did great all on his own.  *He's Awesome*  (sarcasm)

So, there you have it.  I love my life.  It's been fun to share a bit of it with my readers and even meeting a couple of you.  I'm looking forward to 2012.  I'm looking forward to sharing more of my life's journey with you and focusing on being happy on the journey.

kevinsmicrohomestead.wordpress.com

I'm a winner

I am a winner in my life.  This year I have done a complete 180 in my attitude about my job.  This year I have become accepting of the next four years of my life on Tamoxifen and its side effects.  This year I have become focused on being positive in my life and being a positive influence on others.  This is why I am a winner.  Jim Tressel shared 10 tips for leading a successful life.  These tips can give you the encouragement and be a guide you need to become a winner in your own life. 
 
1.  Decide your purpose and set your goals

• Success at any endeavor is not in the trappings of awards or trophies.  Success is found in the peace of mind attained by knowing you have done your very best to become the best you, you are capable of being.  Success is internal.

2.  Develop an attitude of gratitude

• Count your blessings.  Stop whining about what you don't have and focus on what you have.  I've been continuing to add to my gratitude list and it really does make an impact on how I view myself.

3.  Create your own enthusiasm

• We all know the law of inertia in physics.  A body in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an outside force.  Enthusiasm for yourself provides that forward motion.  Of course there is always the possibility of being acted on by an outside force, but when you provide your own enthusiasm, you provide your own forward motion.

4.  Discipline is a daily decision

• Every day is a new day.  Every day you can decide to do what you need to do and do it for just that day.  No matter what the activity.  Whether your activity is exercise, or study, or smiling, or cleaning house, or whatever, decide you will do this activity each day and focus on each day as its own entity.

5.  Be your best where you are

• Focus on the moment.  This breaks the daily decision of discipline into small increments.  Focus on the moment you find yourself and be your best.  Just for that moment.

6.  Pursue excellence

• I've posted that doing anything for 10,000 hours will make you successful at it.  Don't settle for mediocrity.  Strive for excellence.  Put in the time.  Put in the effort. 

7.  Have faith and believe

• Trust in something bigger than yourself.  Have a faith in a higher power.  Have a belief in your purpose.  Having a faith and believing in your purpose is not about what you can accomplish.  Faith is the foundation of who you are.  Belief is the outward expression of that faith by what you do.

8.  Learn from failure

• Be persistent.  Don't give up.  Winners don't let failure stop them.  Winners learn from their failures and try again.  Quitters are never winners.

9.  Be prepared for adversity

• Adversity is not a question of "if."  Adversity is a question of "when."  Adversity will come our way.  If our attitude is negative and we become defensive when faced with criticism, we will blame others and miss our opportunity to advance.  Embrace the obstacles on your path to success.

10.  Love

• Love isn't about receiving pleasure from a person or pursuit.  Love is about how much we want to give to a person or a pursuit.  If we love something or someone, we want to give back.

Choose wisely, Grasshopper

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck."  Dalai Lama

"A goal properly set is halfway reached."  Zig Ziglar

These quotes are two ways of looking at getting what you want in life.  They both address the same issue.  Choose your goals or desires for life thoughtfully.  Below are seven questions to ask yourself when setting and working toward what you want in life.

1.  What do you want?

Life has an abundance of opportunities for you.  You are limited by your choices.  Choose well.

2.  Why do you want that?

Check your motives.  Choices motivated by immoral or unethical foundations will not fulfill or satisfy you.

3.  What stops you?

Identify and examine the obstacles in the path between you and your choice of opportunity or desire.

4.  Why is it like that?

After identifying the obstacle, take the time to examine and obliterate it.  Often your obstacles will be internal.  You may need to overcome your fear or change your belief system about what you are able to do.

5.  How have you been perceiving this as a problem until now?

What has been stopping you until now?  Look at the path to your desire from all directions.  Maybe there is a direction you haven't considered yet.

6.  What would you like to believe?

After thinking about the obstacles in your path and after thinking about what needs to change to obliterate the obstacles, consider how your life will be without the obstacles.  Are you ready to take the actions needed?  What will you believe about yourself?  Are these thoughts empowering and positive?

7.  What would happen if you could?

Look into the future.  Imagine your life after achieving your goal.  You may find fear in your future imaginings.  You may see a fear of success.  Examine this and accept this fear.  You will be ready for it when you face it.

Good luck in choosing your goals and achieving them.  :)

Procrastination

Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. ~ William James

True this.

I've got a few thing hanging over my head lately.  They are, without a doubt, exhausting me.  I'm not tired from doing, but I'm tired of thinking I SHOULD be doing them.  I have a list.  Maybe if I write this list and share it with all of you, I will start accomplishing SOMETHING.

But, before I write the list, I want to talk a bit about procrastination.  I want to talk about good procrastination and bad procrastination.  I've learned there are three types of procrastination.  Depending on what you do instead of working on something, you:

1. do nothing
2. work on something less important
3. work on something more important

I will suggest the type 3 individual is doing good procrastination.  He is putting off the small stuff to take care of the big stuff.  I'm going to suggest many moms fall into being the type 3 procrastinators.  I believe being actively involved with your children is a "big stuff" project, as opposed to dusting the bookshelf.  However, watching Ellen instead of being actively involved with your children or dusting is a type 1 or bad procrastination.
 
This is certainly the "reader's digest" condensed version of this theory, but I hope you are getting my drift.  Some of the small stuff things, like mowing the lawn, filing your taxes, grocery shopping, and the like, will eventually become big stuff problems if avoided long enough.  So even though you may have big stuff in your lives, like raising children, running a business, finishing your dissertation, writing the next great American novel, you eventually have to deal with some of the small stuff before they become big problems.

And this is where I find myself.  Lately I've been dealing with the big problem of my broken house and destroyed landscaping.  I've been hoping the roofer, we have ALREADY hired, will start replacing our roof.  I thought when this finally began my paralysis on doing other jobs, *read small stuff*, would end.  But, no roofing work has begun.  No repairs on the house are underway.  Now the small stuff is starting to build up and weigh heavily on my mind.  My procrastination must end.  I can no longer use the excuse of fixing my house to keep me from doing the small stuff.  So, back to the concept of writing down my list.

• Send in my winter CSA contract and check
• Iron all the clothes I have piled on the chair in my bedroom
• Fill out the tax forms for donations to Vintage Value
• Send church the letter telling them we have moved on to a different church
• Pull weeds and pull overgrown annuals out of my flower beds
• Wash all the mildew off the front door of my house
• Call the rancher and order my lamb
• Work with my son to sort through stuff from his room
• Go for a walk every now and then *read start exercising*

Wish me luck.  :)  Oh, while I was thinking about getting some of these things done, I rewrote Carly Simon's Anticipation to fit my post today.  If I felt ambitious I would have sung it and made a YouTube.  Maybe I'll do that someday...  When I find some time.

I don’t ever finish all the chores I have to do

But I think about them all the day

And I wonder if I'm really going to do them now

Or just wait ‘til after what Ellen has to say.

Procrastination, Procrastination

It’s making me late

It’s keeping you waiting

And I tell you how easy it is to put things off

And how right it feels to nothing at all.

But I rehashed the things I have to do last night

Then started thinking about how to avoid this work.

Procrastination, Procrastination

It’s making me late

It’s keeping you waiting

And tomorrow we might not have clean clothes

I'm no prophet, but I know we will need food

So I'll try to get out to the grocery store

I'll get to it, 'cause I'll get it done someday.

I'll get it done someday.

I'll get to it, 'cause I'll get it done someday.

I'll get it done someday.

I'll get it done someday.

I'll get it done someday.

I'll get it done someday.

  I'll get it done someday.  

 

 

I guess I should get working on that list now.  :)