I would love to have a friend like my younger self

I wrote this letter to my 32 year old self about six months ago.  It gave me perspective on what a truly quality person I was then and that I am now, and YES, I would certainly be friends with my younger self.  Granted, my younger self is 32 years old and not 16 years old.  After all, I'm a 55-year old woman and I can barely remember what my 16-year old self was even like back then.  I'd have to have more time to go that deep into the memory banks to retrieve those gems.  I linked to my letter, but I copied it below, as well.  It was fun to read this again and remember how I was back then.  I didn't sweat the small stuff and I was always willing to try anything new and adventurous.  I loved being a navy wife and the times when my husband and I lived in the same state were magic.  We made the MOST of those times.  And we still do.  :)

Hi Sweetie,

Welcome to Monterey, CA.  You are going to have a blast here.  Thank you, Navy, for putting us up in this rockin' duplex at the top of the hill in La Mesa.  (fyi, boy this website makes it look so much different than it did when I lived there.  if you look at the map, my house was on revere rd.)  This is such a cute little (read, tiny) house.  I think it's great that you fit all our furniture in this house and I really don't care that you're using our kitchen table as an end table in the front room.  I think it looks just great like this.  We will eat in the kitchen on a tiny plastic table with our son, sitting in his high chair.  This is going to work out just great.  The kitchen is so little, you'll be able to wash the floor in five minutes with a cup of water.  You will LOVE it.

It's great to be here at Post Graduate school.  I'm happy the husband decided to get a masters degree and not go to war with all his friends.  I know this is the kiss of death for his naval career, but you'll be glad to have him here with you and our 2 year old son.  It's cool to see old friends from Italy here, too.  It's too bad we will only be here a year and a half, but this is better than never have gotten to live here at all.

I know it was a bummer to get Bell's Palsy right after you got here.  I know it was a shame you had to miss your brother's wedding in Chicago.  Being sick and in pain isn't fun.  Good thing the pain only lasted for a month.  The five more months of paralysis sucked, but you'll get better and you'll hardly remember how crummy it was.  Good for you to get out and still make an effort to meet new people and start an Avon business with your face half frozen.  Wasn't it amazing to see how much of that stuff you sold.  You really put forth a lot of effort.  Good for you for not being so self-conscious and vain that you thought all that people cared about was how your face looked or how short your hair was.  Good for you for acting like an adult.  After all, you are 32 years old and the mom of a two year old.  It's good that you are able to get out and meet people and make friends.  You are doing the right thing by not waiting for your husband to get home and entertain you or take your child off your hands.  He's busy and he has homework.  Getting a master's degree in a year and a half is hard work.  This hard work is something he will be able to take with him when he leaves the navy.  You will be able to look back at this time of your life and remember how good it feels to be a strong woman.

You are going to love that you were supportive of your husband and his schoolwork.  It's great that he bought an Apple 2E computer.  It was worth all the money.  I know you had to eat popcorn and hot dogs for a month to make the payments for that computer and the Volvo.  (I'll bet you didn't know you were going to drive that Volvo for 17 years.)  But it was worth it to make sacrifices for your future.  It's good that you were able to put off your immediate gratification to save for your son's future and the future of your family.  (and, you learned to appreciate Apple and it's founder Steve Jobs.  that is really going to pay off in the future.)  You know, your husband is going to appreciate you typing all his papers for class.  Isn't it amazing that back then we wrote our papers in longhand and had to have someone read that chicken scratch and type it up!  I'm glad you put forth the effort to do this for your husband.  He's going to remember things like this when you need to take time for yourself.

Finally, I know that the earthquake you experienced was a terrible thing.  I know you were scared out of your mind because husband and son were away from the house.  I know those 15 seconds were the longest 15 seconds of your life, but you endured.  I know that seeing your husband come home on his bike and wondering what all the fuss was about was the happiest moment of your life.  And, I know that giving away any extra blankets or food or kitchen equipment or money or whatever you could give to help those who had more damage than your family never caused you to bat an eye or feel a pang of resentment.  I want you to know, that when that phone rang, and it was your mother, and you got the opportunity to tell her you were all ok and then the phone died and didn't start working again for a week, yeah, that was God.  (amazing how we managed before cell phones and email and the internet)  You are never going to forget that moment.  You know what you're going to remember the most?  You're going to remember getting all the families on the street together to bar-b-que, because none of us had electric or gas for a week.  You're going to remember, because you gave up most of your summer to do the HUGE vacation bible school music and program, so many of the families in the neighborhood knew you and were happy to help your family just the way you were happy to help their families.  You're going to remember how much this time in your life felt like community and the best way navy families support each other.

You will remember your time in Monterey, CA so fondly.  You are always going to wish you could go back.  But you know, you can never go home.  If you do get a chance to go back, just know, things have changed.  You will have changed, too.  Have fun at Cannery Row.  Enjoy the Monterey Bay Aquarium and watch the otters play.  Go down to Carmel by the Sea and Big Sur.  Check out the Dennis the Menace park and remember how much fun your little one had there.  Go down to Fisherman's Wharf and feed the sea lions.  Yeah, do all those things and remember that you didn't miss a beat while you were there.  You had the time of your young life.  I'm proud of you for being the strong, adult, navy wife you were back then.  You did yourself and your family proud.

Love,
Your 55 year old self


115.  Limping on a sprained ankle, but oh so grateful it isn't broken
116.  Two hour delay start for work after a 4-day weekend
117.  Broccoli juice (I know, but it's better than it sounds)
118.  I remembered to bring leftover Italian Wedding soup for lunch today
119.  A prompt for a blog post that allows me to reminisce about my younger days
120.  Smiling, while remembering my time in Monterey, CA
121.  Smiling, while remembering when my son was small
122.  Smiling, yeah, just smiling  (it's good for the soul)

young woman or old woman

Linking to Emily for a one-time link-up

30 years

Thirty years ago I was 25 years old and I was getting married.

We got married at four in the afternoon and it started pouring rain just after we said, "I do" to each other.

The reception was in my parent's backyard.  300 people.  Thank goodness we had a tent.

It rained so hard.  It rained for an hour.  There was a river running through the middle of the tent.

Men rolled up their pant-legs and women took off their shoes.  My father said "F**k the rain."  I'd never heard him say that word before.

I was smiling.  I was happy.  I was turning a page in my life.  I was stepping into a new chapter and I was doing this with the man I loved.

My brother held a sheet of plastic over the bartender as he served drinks.

Everyone laughed and drank and danced.  No one went home.  Then the rain stopped and the sun shone and the water flowed away.

We all ate the food and took more pictures and drank more wine and danced more dances.

This was the first day of 30 years together.

A friend asked me if I remembered all the fights and tough times and hardships.  I guess, if I think very hard, I can remember, but it isn't what I find the easiest thing to remember.  The things that come to mind the quickest and strongest is the fun we've had.  The joy we've shared.  The successes we've had, individually and together.  These are the things I can remember.  I'm so glad.  I am blessed.

This morning it rained so hard my windshield wipers couldn't keep up with the rain.  My garage flooded.  And I remembered that 30 years ago it rained so hard on my wedding day.  And I was smiling.


Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose answering the question, what does it mean to be blessed?

495.  Being married to my friend
496.  Smiling in the rain
497.  Celebrating our marriage
498.  Realizing the blessing of a long marriage

Who is the failure?

Last night my son was eating his dinner at the kitchen table, I was sitting on the couch watching the RHOBH and sipping on a vodka and tonic, and my husband was sitting on the couch playing with his iPad.  Then my son says to me, "I think, you think I'm a failure."

I'm going to guess that many of my readers are thinking I must have been devastated by these words.  To be completely honest, I wasn't.  (just a minute, let me pull this knife out of my chest and get a tissue for all this blood.)  I will say, however, it stung a bit.

This summer has been a HUGE learning opportunity for me.  You know what God Oprah says, "The universe (aka God) is always trying to get your attention. Sometimes it starts out -- any major problem you encounter -- as a whisper. By the time it gets to be a storm, you've had a pebble knock you upside the head; you've had a brick; you've had a brick wall; you've had a house fall down. And before you know it, you are in the eye of the storm. But long before you are in the eye of the storm, you've had many warnings, like little clues."

The first thing about whatever it is that I'm supposed to be learning began with the trip to MN to visit my parents and ALL the family.  This was a big learning opportunity.  I learned that no matter what I do I will never please my father.  Seriously, even if I do exactly what he asked me to do and I do it completely successfully and I do it better than even I could imagine it being done, it isn't good enough.  Even if I (and my brothers) take the money my father insisted with use to form an investment group.  Invest the money and actively try to grow this investment.  Even if the purpose of giving us this money was to try to control his children and force them into having to interact with each other as adults, whether we wanted to do this or not and believe me it hasn't always been easy but in the end we have figured out how to get along and manage the money and our relationships and it only took 15 or so years.  And we Did It!  And, he's not happy about it.  No "good job" or "you did it" or "you are great kids" or even "you didn't screw this up."  Nothing.  Silence.  Well, not silence, because I've heard some snide comments, but you know what I mean.

My husband wonders why I always consider myself a failure or find the problems in anything I do or say, even if it seems like I was successful.  I can always find my mistakes or find things I think I could have done better.  I have to tell you, these overwhelming feelings of failure don't just come a couple times each week.  They come over me any time of the day.  I can be walking into the bathroom to get ready for work and I see knik-knaks sitting on the windowsill that I've thought to myself, "you know, you should sell that stuff on eBay" and then I'll see the things sitting there, not being sold on eBay and I'll think to myself (and sometimes even say out loud), "I'm a failure."  This happens so often during a day, even I can't believe it.  For some reason I have convinced myself that anything I think I should do is something I should do and if I haven't done it and if I haven't done it better than I think anyone could do it, I'm a failure.

I don't think my son is a failure.  I told him, "I don't think you are a failure."  He hasn't failed at anything, yet.  I told him he hadn't really done anything yet either, but he was still young and had time to succeed or fail at whatever he chooses to do.  Somehow I have been a great success at reflecting my father's opinion of me onto my son.  I continued trying to be encouraging to my son and tell him over and over that I don't think he is a failure.  While I'm trying to say encouraging things, my husband is translating what I'm saying to my son, so he can hear it in a positive tone.  (is the irony of my screen name and blog name showing?)  Who knows if my son can even hear anything encouraging or positive from me anymore.  Maybe after 25 years of listening to the sound of my voice, maybe "pass the salt" sounds like "you're a failure" to him when it comes out of my mouth.

I believe God is showing me the how and why of my personality and showing me clearly, that I need to work on positivity harder and stronger than I've been working on it.  I thought I was getting more positive.  And, maybe I have.  Maybe I wouldn't have noticed how negatively my father behaves if not for becoming a more positive person.  Maybe my son wouldn't have had the courage to say those words to me if not for noticing I've become a more positive person.  Maybe...  maybe...

I know I don't want to get to the point of being in the eye of the storm.  I don't even want my house to fall down on me (I've been close enough to that when the tree fell on my house).  Those words from my son's mouth last night were definitely a pebble hitting me in the head.  Yeah, it hurt a little.  It hurt enough to get my complete attention.  Being encouraging.  Being positive.  Being Happy.  These are the important things to be.

480.  My son and his honesty
481.  My son and his love for me
482.  My son and his trust in me
483.  My son and his faith in God
484.  My husband for translating my words and tone for my son to hear

Mark Stivers 2004

A letter to my 32 year old self

Hi Sweetie,

Welcome to Monterey, CA.  You are going to have a blast here.  Thank you, Navy, for putting us up in this rockin' duplex at the top of the hill in La Mesa.  (fyi, boy this website makes it look so much different than it did when I lived there.  if you look at the map, my house was on revere rd.)  This is such a cute little (read, tiny) house.  I think it's great that you fit all our furniture in this house and I really don't care that you're using our kitchen table as an end table in the front room.  I think it looks just great like this.  We will eat in the kitchen on a tiny plastic table with our son, sitting in his high chair.  This is going to work out just great.  The kitchen is so little, you'll be able to wash the floor in five minutes with a cup of water.  You will LOVE it.

It's great to be here at Post Graduate school.  I'm happy the husband decided to get a master degree and not go to war with all his friends.  I know this is the kiss of death for his naval career, but you'll be glad to have him here with you and our 2 year old son.  It's cool to see old friends from Italy here, too.  It's too bad we will only be here a year and a half, but this is better than never have gotten to live here at all.

I know it was a bummer to get Bell's Palsy right after you got here.  I know it was a shame you had to miss your brother's wedding in Chicago.  Being sick and in pain isn't fun.  Good thing the pain only lasted for a month.  The five more months of paralysis sucked, but you'll get better and you'll hardly remember how crummy it was.  Good for you to get out and still make an effort to meet new people and start an Avon business with your face half frozen.  Wasn't it amazing to see how much of that stuff you sold.  You really put forth a lot of effort.  Good for you for not being so self-conscious and vain that you thought all that people cared about was how your face looked or how short your hair was.  Good for you for acting like an adult.  After all, you are 32 years old and the mom of a two year old.  It's good that you are able to get out and meet people and make friends.  You are doing the right thing by not waiting for your husband to get home and entertain you or take your child off your hands.  He's busy and he has homework.  Getting a master's degree in a year and a half is hard work.  This hard work is something he will be able to take with him when he leaves the navy.  You will be able to look back at this time of your life and remember how good it feels to be a strong woman.

You are going to love that you were supportive of your husband and his schoolwork.  It's great that he bought an Apple 2E computer.  It was worth all the money.  I know you had to eat popcorn and hot dogs for a month to make the payments for that computer and the Volvo.  (I'll bet you didn't know you were going to drive that Volvo for 17 years.)  But it was worth it to make sacrifices for your future.  It's good that you were able to put off your immediate gratification to save for your son's future and the future of your family.  (and, you learned to appreciate Apple and it's founder Steve Jobs.  that is really going to pay off in the future.)  You know, your husband is going to appreciate you typing all his papers for class.  Isn't it amazing that back then we wrote our papers in longhand and had to have someone read that chicken scratch and type it up!  I'm glad you put forth the effort to do this for your husband.  He's going to remember things like this when you need to take time for yourself.

Finally, I know that the earthquake you experienced was a terrible thing.  I know you were scared out of your mind because husband and son were away from the house.  I know those 15 seconds were the longest 15 seconds of your life, but you endured.  I know that seeing your husband come home on his bike and wondering what all the fuss was about was the happiest moment of your life.  And, I know that giving away any extra blankets or food or kitchen equipment or money or whatever you could give to help those who had more damage than your family never caused you to bat an eye or feel a pang of resentment.  I want you to know, that when that phone rang, and it was your mother, and you got the opportunity to tell her you were all ok and then the phone died and didn't start working again for a week, yeah, that was God.  (amazing how we managed before cell phones and email and the internet)  You are never going to forget that moment.  You know what you're going to remember the most?  You're going to remember getting all the families on the street together to bar-b-que, because none of us had electric or gas for a week.  You're going to remember, because you gave up most of your summer to do the HUGE vacation bible school music and program, so many of the families in the neighborhood knew you and were happy to help your family just the way you were happy to help their families.  You're going to remember how much this time in your life felt like community and the best way navy families support each other.

You will remember your time in Monterey, CA so fondly.  You are always going to wish you could go back.  But you know, you can never go home.  If you do get a chance to go back, just know, things have changed.  You will have changed, too.  Have fun at Cannery Row.  Enjoy the Monterey Bay Aquarium and watch the otters play.  Go down to Carmel by the Sea and Big Sur.  Check out the Dennis the Menace park and remember how much fun your little one had there.  Go down to Fisherman's Wharf and feed the sea lions.  Yeah, do all those things and remember that you didn't miss a beat while you were there.  You had the time of your young life.  I'm proud of you for being the strong, adult, navy wife you were back then.  You did yourself and your family proud.

Love,
Your 55 year old self

471.  Having the time to remember a fun time in my past
472.  Learning from different people with different points of view in my small group bible study
473.  Listening and being able to accept their positions without feeling like I have to change their opinions
474.  Realizing that this is emotional growth for me
475.  Seeing emotional growth in my son, too (or maybe I'm seeing him through more grown-up eyes)

Why I don't hug

I'm not a hugger.  I don't like hugging.  It's not that I never hug.  It's just that it doesn't come easily for me.  I can hug my husband.  I don't do it often, and he doesn't ask me to do it often, but I can do it.  I can hug my mom and dad.  I can hug my son, but it is hard for me to do.  Weird, huh?  I read Emily's guest post yesterday at Nancy's blog, Out of My Alleged Mind.  So much of it broke my heart.  If you have an extra 5 minutes, click and read Em's story.

What is it about hugging that makes it hard for me to do it?  I know my answer, but it's hard to speak the words.  Maybe writing my reasons here will make it easier for me to understand them.  I can't believe how much my aversion to hugging has to do with my poor body image.  This is hard for me to share... here goes.  I don't like to feel the body of the person I hug and I REALLY don't want a person hugging me to feel my body.  There, I said it.  I don't like the feel of hugging anyone.  If they are overweight, I like it even less.  This is because I think they are thinking the same way I think about myself.  I hate the way my breasts feel, to me, when I hug someone.  I know my breasts are pushed up against their body.  I think to myself how absolutely horrible it must be for them to have to feel that part of my body smooshed up against their body.  The feeling makes me hate myself and my body because my body isn't what I wish it was.  I wish my breasts were small.  I wish my body was thin and athletic.  I am completely grossed out by the thought of someone's hands touching my back and feeling the indentation of my bra strap in my back fat.  If I hug a thin person, it isn't any better.  I think they think I'm disgusting.  My feelings of disgust of my body when hugging a thin person are equally overwhelming.  I feel as if I'm smothering them or crushing them.  They feel so small and fragile, I begin to feel like a giant and I can't get my hands off them quick enough.  I know these are just feelings and there is, most likely, nothing based in reality in them, but there you have it.  (who said ISTJ's don't have feelings?)

As I think about these feelings and thoughts I experience when hugging, I am reminded that it is much easier for me to hug someone who is wearing a coat or jacket.  It is much more difficult to hug someone wearing a tee-shirt or blouse.  I am absolutely sure I wouldn't be able to hug someone in a bathing suit or without a shirt.

I feel these same feelings when I am asked to hug children or hold a child.  I am uncomfortable touching or holding them.  I have an idea that the children want to escape my touch as quickly as possible.  I don't like the feeling of their chubby legs and arms touching my skin.  Don't get me wrong, I can push through this aversion and hold a child or hug a child, but if I don't have to do it, I won't offer.  It's just not something I'm comfortable doing.  While we were on vacation my husband's friend and his family came to visit.  They have two children.  We walked to a restaurant.  On the walk to the restaurant, the children held the hands of their parents.  (they are six years old and we were walking along a heavily trafficked road)  On the way back to the hotel, they must have felt more comfortable with us because the little boy wanted to hold my hand as we walked.  We chatted, but the whole walk I kept thinking, when will he want to pull away from me and not want to hold my hand anymore?  I was sure it would happen at any time.  I guess I didn't want to be rejected by a child.  Strange thoughts, I know.

At our church we "pass the peace of Christ" with a handshake.  (thank goodness there is no "holy kiss")  It is the MOST awkward time of the service for me.  Most of the time, hands miss or I notice I'm shaking the hand and wishing the peace of Christ to someone who is not even looking at me anymore.  The touching seems so forced and uncomfortable.  I really don't like this part of the service.  I don't mind shaking hands in a business situation, but I don't get all that excited about a handshake, either, it's just what we do in this country.

I think I was less uncomfortable with the greetings in Italy.  Even though I had to kiss both cheeks and have both cheeks kissed, there was a comfort in the way we grabbed shoulders and kissed and didn't have to embrace.

I shared this post today for a couple of reasons.  First, because I'm pretty sure I am not the only person out there with these feelings.  Blogging is such a great way to discover that other people have the same thoughts going through their heads that I have going through my head.  Secondly, I wrote this post to share that the reason I don't hug is all about me.  It as nothing to do with the other person.  The people I don't want to hug are completely lovable and huggable.  The other people are even people I like a lot.  I try so hard to make warm eye contact in place of the hug.  I try so hard to say the right thing and smile the right smile in place of the hug.  The reason you typically won't get a hug from me isn't about you, it's all about me. 

379.  Warm smiles
380.  Kisses on the cheek
381.  Words of affirmation
382.  Kind eye contact
383.  Kind words

Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursdays

My life is as easy as your life

I've been accused of having an easy life.  I've been accused of being lucky.  I might take this to mean that I'm doing it (life) right.  It's both amusing and amazing to me that anyone can think another person's life is easy or lucky.  Life is life.  There was no perfect time to be alive.  (although, I think being in college in the '70's was pretty darn good)  Nobody gets a free pass in life.  Life is hard.  Just because I don't see the point in complaining about my lot in life, just because I don't tell everybody I meet all my troubles, just because I blog about being happy and not being miserable in my life does not mean my life is easy or I am lucky.  The beauty of being alive and living this life is that we can learn something every day.  There are a few things I've learned to be true while living this life.  

Life is better with money.  Working is a great way to get money.  With money you can get health insurance, you can live in a safer neighborhood, you can send your children to better schools...  Our family had to do a couple of things to make it appear we had an easy life.  We had to work hard and deny ourselves.  We don't have the latest toys and gadgets.  We don't have the most fashionable clothes.  We don't drive the latest model car.  Our child didn't get everything he wanted when he was young.  We rarely eat food at restaurants or order take-out and we never pay for delivery.  We take care of the things we have.  We don't believe in borrowing money from family or friends.

Life is better when you don't compare yourself to others.  One of the ten commandments is not to covet anything your neighbor has.  This is a tough one, but we choose to be satisfied with our station in life.  We don't copy people.  We don't try to live our life they way we THINK other people are living their lives.  The truth is, you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors.  Actually, we've found that being ourselves is the most satisfying way to live life.  Sure, we try new things, and sometimes we like them and sometimes we don't.

Life is better when you know it isn't all about you.  I am not the center of the universe.  I don't get to have what I want when I want it.  I don't even get to have what I want, ever, at times.  My life isn't about me.  I wasn't put on this earth to satisfy myself.  I was put on this earth to serve God and, in turn, serve others.  I found life to get better, almost immediately, when I came to an understanding of this truth.  I didn't have to have my own way anymore.  I call this time of my life, becoming an adult.  It was childish of me to think that I deserved a certain lifestyle or treatment.  In fact, I don't deserve anything.  This is probably my biggest beef with those that think I have it so easy or that I'm so lucky.  I cannot abide those that believe they are entitled to something..., or anything, for that matter.

I guess I should be flattered that people think our family makes life appear so easy or that we are lucky.  I guess we are like ducks.  We look all calm and serene on top of the water while we furiously paddle our legs underneath the water.

Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult.

Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly,

about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their

difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be

easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that their

difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should

not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or

else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation,

their race or even their species, and not upon others.

M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled

My 1000 gratitudes

208.  Discovering a better way to make quiche (put the cheese on top)

209.  A conscience that is still tender

210.  Waking up to thunder and lightning

211.  Texting  (I like texting a lot)

212.  The bible on the internet and on my phone (available at any time)

213.  Truth  

 Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursdays

Fear Not

I heard, somewhere, that the Bible says "Fear Not" or some form of don't be afraid 365 times.  I did some research, because this just sounded too cute to be true.  I'm sorry to burst anyone's bubble out there in the blogosphere (even you blogstalkers :)) but, it doesn't.

In the King James version there are 74 fear nots and 29 be not afraids.
In the New American Standard version there are 4 fear nots, 57 do not fears, and 46 do not be afraids. 

You can check all the other translations or versions or whatever you call them, for the stats in those.

Here is my point.  This week held a lot of drama in the Happy Girl family.  One of our family received a notice that one of our members was being sued for injury claims said to have been received in a car accident.  Another of our family was considering leaving their job due to differences of values in the company.  And, our BRAND NEW roof is leaking.  There are a couple other things that happened, too.

Even though there is not a Fear Not for every day of the week, I am not afraid.  Even if God told me only once, Fear Not, I'd believe him and not be afraid.  I have nothing to fear, for if God is for me, who can be against me.  NO ONE.  Not bosses that don't have your back.  Not insurance swindlers.  Not blogstalkers.  Not rain clouds and water.  There is not one person or thing I need to fear.

The shepherds were in the fields tending their flocks and the angel of the Lord appeared to them and said "Don't be afraid.  I bring you good news of great joy...a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."

Maybe there is a "do over" in parenting

Yesterday I wrote a post about there NOT being a "do over" in parenting.  I'm not a Mommy Blogger, but I am a mom.  After I posted this I started thinking about it.  A lot. 

Yesterday's post kinda made me look like I was/am a bad mom.  I'm not a bad mom.  I don't think any parent is a perfect parent.  I made mistakes in my parenting and I shared those with you guys.  I just wanted to put a little experience, hope and strength out there in the blogosphere.  I'm trying very hard to be the encouraging and inspiring parent we all want to be.  And, I want my kid to move out of my house and live life on his own terms,... soon.

This led me to this thought.  Hey, maybe I will get my "do over."  How, you may ask? 

Maybe I'll be a grandma some day.

My mom and her great grandson

I'm Dutch

We bloggers have a little thing called a dashboard to show us who, when, how many, where you're from and how you got here.  I try to avoid looking at it, but sometimes it calls my name and I have to look.  So I did.  I noticed, recently, I've gotten quite a few hits from the Netherlands.  I LOVED this.  Why?  Because, I'm Dutch.  I'm all Dutch.  There is nothing but Dutch blood running through my veins.  So, I thought I'd talk a bit about being Dutch.  I have never been to the Netherlands.  My parents visited.  One of my brothers visited.  But not me.  I'd like to go, someday.

How will I talk about the Dutch?  Since I've never been there, I'm going to have to guess.  And use stereotypes.  So all you Dutch readers out there, feel free to correct me in any way.  I'm open to it.

The Dutch are cheap.  I've been told this all my life.  My father could make a penny cry.  I won't even tell you what they said about the nickel.  (US buffalo nickel, mind you)  I was always told the reason we were so thrifty was because we were Dutch, not because we didn't have a lot of money.  (we didn't)  I want to read Simon Schama's book The Embarrassment of Riches.  I want to understand the discrepancy between the era of the Dutch being the "bankers of the world" to the thrifty Calvinist I was raised to be.  I think it will be fascinating.  Also, you've all heard the term "going Dutch."  A well known term that means "I'm not paying for you" doesn't come without a background of truth.  :)

The Dutch are pious.  Another thing I've been told all my life.  I was raised a Calvinist.  This is a reformed theology stressing the human nature as total depravity.  There is no good in us.  The only thing saving us is the Grace of Jesus Christ.  And, we have been preordained to receive this Grace.  It is not of our own choosing.  This is what I was taught from my father's knee.  I still believe this.  Also, from history classes, I learned most pilgrims came to America from Holland.  The Dutch wanted to worship the way they wanted to worship without interference from any government.  They were willing to risk their lives to do this.  I don't know how true this is in modern Netherlands, but I'll get to that.

The Dutch are "house proud."  This is another thing I learned at my mother's knee AND from my grandmother.  I grew up cleaning the house.  A lot.  We swept the sidewalk out front.  We swept the street in front of our house.  We may be so cheap we won't buy anything new, but our stuff lasts a LONG time.  We clean it.  We take care of it.  We fix it.  Anyone looking at my house, growing up, would have seen a neat, orderly, clean house.  :)

The Dutch are hard workers.  My family had the strongest work ethic of any family I knew when I was growing up.  My dad taught me to be early for work. If I wasn't ten minutes early, I was late.  I think the fact that the Netherlands is land reclaimed from the sea with dikes and canals is proof of the hard-working nature inherent in the Dutch people.

Now for the part of being Dutch I really don't understand.  And, maybe this is why I'm an American and my ancestors moved away from Holland.  The Dutch are tolerant.  They've got the pot smoking in bars and the prostitution in the picture windows.  I just don't get this, but I've heard it is true.

I hope I go to the Netherlands one day.  I would like to see the beauty of the windmills and tulips and canals and wooden shoes and bicycles and row houses.  *sigh.  fingers crossed.  :)

Btw, I think the Dutch are smart, too.  Any country with a language using as many double vowels and assorted letters to make words must have smart people in it.  I mean, little kids learn how to write this language in kindergarten.  :)

I'd tell you my maiden name, but with the double a's and the double g's it wouldn't fit in the space allowed.

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you for all you've done for our family during this difficult time in our lives.  Thank you for patching our roof with a patch strong enough to last for a year.  I know you worked for two days on this patch just to put my mind at ease and allow me peace while we traveled west.  I know, because I see them everyday, that a blue plastic tarp would have kept most of the rain out of our house, but it wouldn't have allowed me to enjoy my time away from the house.  That's what you did for me.  You scrubbed your fingerprints from your fingertips with your hard work.

Thank you for cutting up the trees and moving the debris to the side of the road.  I saw you out there in the drizzle working all day.  I know you did this for me.  The mess of the trees and dying leaves and you are out there cleaning it up.  All for me.  Because you know the chaos brings me so low.  Thank you for telling me our son was helpful in this process.  It helps me feel better about him when I think he has pleased you.  I love you both so much.

You are a very good man.  You have sacrificed so much of yourself for our family.  I know you have put your education to the side to work on our home.  I know you feel frustrated by the time passing during your dissertation process.  You are more than a PhD.  You have done more for our family with the time and effort you have spent trading options and managing our portfolio.  You are so smart.  And lucky.  I thank God for the luck he has given you.  I know the luck comes from your good sense and your willingness to work hard.  So, what I mean is, I thank God for you.  If you decide to continue your schoolwork, I will support you in every way.  I feel I can do more in our home restoration process.  I am coming out of the depression I was feeling and I know I can do better.  *amazing what a good night's sleep will do.

Thank you for reminding me of your love for me.  I know my self doubt and whining must be so annoying.  Yet you are always there to boost my spirit.  I want to do the same for you, and yet it doesn't come easily for me.  And you love me anyway.  You understand my character flaws and love me in spite of them.  And I appreciate this more than I can say.  I love you so much.  I often feel unworthy of the love you have for me, and that is why I doubt it sometimes.  Thank you for understanding this about me.

It is said our true nature is revealed in adversity.  You have a generous, loving, compassionate nature.  This is what has been revealed to our family.  I hope these words convey the depth of my feelings for you.  I want to be your partner in this life.  I want to be strong for you.  Thank you for being there for me while I was down.  Thank you for appreciating me when I don't appreciate myself.  If you ever find yourself doubting yourself, stop.  You are a very good man.  One of the best.

My 9-11 story

Do you remember where you were on September 11, 2001?

 

Everyone remembers, don’t they.   On this 10^th anniversary of the tragedy I will share my 9-11 story.

My story begins on Sunday September 2nd, 2001.  My husband, son and I traveled north to NYC.  We met some old friends at Liberty State Park, NJ and hopped the ferry to Liberty Island to view and visit the Statue of Liberty.  My son was 14 years old and this was his first visit to the NYC area.  It was our friend’s son’s first visit to the Statue of Liberty.  His dad drives a Red Cross blood truck in Manhattan, so going to the city or even near the city isn’t high on his list of favorite things to do.  We were all so excited.  It was so much fun.  We took the ferry.  We saw Ellis Island on the way to Liberty Island.  We disembarked  at Liberty Island and got in line to go inside the statue.  When we got to the top of the pedestal of the statue we stopped and took pictures of ourselves with the Twin Towers in the background.  It was the iconic NYC backdrop and the classic NYC touristy visit.  We continued our visit to the statue by climbing the stairs to the crown of the statue and looking out over the harbor and lower Manhattan.  We took the ferry back to NJ and got in the car and scooted through the Holland Tunnel and down to the little Italy area of Manhattan.  We had a lovely lunch at Umberto’s.  I’m talking about the REAL Umberto’s on Mulberry St.  The one with the real bullet holes in the wall from the killing of Crazy Joe Gallo.  We drove down to the financial district and debated visiting the Twin Towers, but decided we had stood in enough lines for the day.  There was always next year.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001 was a beautiful blue sky day.  We woke up to a regular school day after a fun fun weekend in NYC with our friends.  I sent my son off to school on the bus and turned on Good Morning America and poured myself a cup of coffee.  I heard Diane and Charlie saying something about smoke coming out of one of the towers.  I continued to get myself ready to go bowling.  I was on a bowling league.  This was one of the perks of being a stay-at-home mom.  Suddenly I saw the second plane hit the second tower.  I was stunned.  I was sick.  I didn’t know what to do.  My decision was to continue with my day and go bowling.  It was the right decision. 

A little background information on me.  At this time I am a retired naval aviator’s  wife.  My husband retired from the Navy as an S3 flier.  He is currently working for a contractor in the Washington DC area. He is, what is known as a “beltway bandit.”    He travels to the Pentagon for meetings on a regular basis.  Most of the women on the bowling league I bowl with are either active duty military wives or retired military wives, like myself.  I was in good company.

As we bowled we watched the events of that terrible day unfold on tv.  We were nervous that the terrorists would continue hitting targets down the coast.  I couldn’t remember if my husband was at the Pentagon or in town that day.  I couldn’t reach him on the phone.  I could reach my mom.  She reminded me his usual Pentagon meeting was on Mondays, not Tuesdays.  *sigh*  Thank God for mom.

I watched the smoke billow from the Pentagon.  I watched the first tower fall.  I watched the second tower fall.  I saw the scorched earth in Shanksville, PA.  I still had not heard from my husband, but I wasn’t as worried.  Mom had put my mind at ease.

I decided I would go to my part-time job at the pregnancy care center.  I was an administrative assistant there.  All the volunteers and administrators were there.  I put in my four hours.  It was the right decision.

When I left my office, I decided to stop and my son’s school and pick him up a bit early.  I discovered I was one of the last parents to pick up their child.  My son was a bit upset with me.  We talked about it and he understood.  There was no one at home.  Being at school was the best place for him.   My husband was in town and not at the Pentagon.  We were all safe.  At the end of the workday we all gathered around the tv and watched the news together.

This is my 9-11 story.  There wasn’t another opportunity to visit the Twin Towers.  We know we need to grab opportunities when they occur.  We tell each other “I love you” when we are together.  Life is short.  And it can be snatched away at a moment’s notice.  

Live well, laugh often, love much.

And never forget.

100 things about me

This is my 100th post on the Being Happy blog.  I thought I celebrate by sharing 100 things about me.  This is going to be tough for me and some things may just give you just a bit Too Much Information.  I don't have the finest filter in the world.  Please, to enjoy.

1.  I'm married and it will be 29 years in August. (fingers crossed)
2.  I have one child, a son.
3.  My parents are alive and doing pretty well.
4.  My parents are still married and have only been married to each other and they've been married 57 years.
5.  I have three younger brothers.  Two of them are twins, but they are NOTHING alike.
6.  I have three sister's-in-law.  All my brothers have only had the one wife. (per brother, we don't share) 
7.  I live in MD and have lived here, this time, for 16 years. (Yikes, that's a long time)
8.  I am a college graduate.  I graduated with a bachelor of science in Medical Technology.
9.  I'm a secretary.  It's what I do for a job.  I mean, I'm a woman, but...  it's getting pretty metaphysical now...
10.  I drive a 1999 Lexus.  (I like luxury, but I can't afford it new.  There will be more about this later.)
11.  My favorite color is red, but I usually wear black.
12.  The matron of honor at my wedding and I gave birth on the same day. (I had my son, she had her daughter)
13.  I am blind in one eye.  (ocular histoplasmosis syndrome, thanks mid-west childhood)
14.  I cannot sleep in an unmade bed.  If the bed is not made, I need to straighten the sheets and fluff the pillows so I can sleep.
15.  I can parallel park better than my husband can.
16.  I was born in the Chicago area and grew up in Palos Heights, IL.  I heart the mid-west.
17.  I married my husband when he was a frocked Lieutenant in the US Navy.  Thus, not considered a "Real Navy Wife" as I was not married during AOCS.  (now you have lots of things to google to find out what I'm talking about)  Btw, I AM/was a real navy wife.
18.  I've never withdrawn money from an ATM and I've only made two deposits in an ATM.  I don't know my PIN anymore, so it will never happen again.
19.  I have a dog.  A Jack Russell terrier named Chet the Jet.  I don't like dogs.
20.  I drink my coffee black.
21.  I snore (or that's what my husband says, I have a difficult time believing this)
22.  I am left handed.  Seriously left handed.  I don't think my right hand functions at all.
23.  I have pretty teeth and they are quite white, even though I haven't bleached them.  And I've never had braces and they are quite straight.  I get compliments on them a lot.
24.  I haven't been to Europe since the Euro was instated, but I've vacationed in Europe a few times before then.
25.  I lived in Naples, Italy for three years.  (1984-1987)  I loved it.
26.  I've never had a cat and I REALLY don't like cats.  I don't even like kittens that much.
27.  I'd rather eat at home than go to a restaurant to eat, UNLESS it is an AMAZINGLY good restaurant.
28.  I stay up way too late.  I usually don't go to bed before 11:30 p.m.
29.  I've never carried a credit card balance.
30.  I voted for Ronald Reagan both times and it's really the only time I felt GOOD about my votes.  (I think history will remember George Bush in a good light, too)
31.  I have a fairly strong Chicago accent.  I don't hear it, but when I listen to Bill Murray in a movie, I feel at home.
32.  My guilty pleasure is the Real Housewives of wherever.  Although, I like it best with the sound off.
33.  I like to cook.  I'm OK at it.  And my family likes my food.
34.  I don't like to bake.  I'm not good at it.  But I make a killer peach pie.
35.  I usually kill plants.  I have a ficus tree that has survived me, but this is not normal.
36.  I quit smoking 20 years ago.  It was the best thing I ever did.
37.  I like potato chips better than french fries.  Why don't they offer chips more often?
38.  My favorite movie is Gone With the Wind (I know, boring) however, Fargo comes in a close second.
39.  I can read the Mitford series by Jan Karon over and over again.  I love the characters.
40.  I stopped watching Oprah 15 years ago, so I don't miss her.  However, I used to check to see what her "favorite things" were and decide if I wanted to buy the stock.  I did well with Deckers.
41.  None of my grandparents had cancer.  I'm pretty happy about this.  They lived fairly long lives and both my grandpas smoked.
42.  I think both sets of grandparents "had" to get married.  And they stayed married until they died.
43.  My favorite thing to eat is my Spaghetti Carbonara, also known as a heart attack on a plate because my friend had a heart attack after having it for dinner at our home.  I don't make it very often.
44.  I've suffered from depression in the past, but I think I'm doing pretty well now.  :)
45.  My watch is a Rolex, but I bought it used.  (see, luxury item, not new)
46.  I'm organized and I LIKE being organized.  I can't think in a messy room.
47.  I don't balance my own checkbook.  It's not that I CAN'T, but my husband wants to do it and I wasn't doing it often enough for his taste.
48.  I don't really like apples that much.  Unless you put peanut butter on them.
49.  I LOVE blueberries and watermelon.  They are my co-favorite fruits.
50.  I want to go to China.  I don't think I'll ever get there.  Maybe we will all be Chinese before I get to China.  I mean, we owe them a LOT of money.  They may foreclose on us.
51.  I don't completely trust vegetarians.  And vegans, nope, not at all.
52.  I think Ann Coulter is smart and witty, but I wouldn't want to be on her wrong side.  (She was so right about John Edwards, you've GOT to give her that)
53.  I used to be afraid I'd get fired from my job.  Now that I'd be OK if they let me go, I'm pretty sure they will NEVER fire me.  It's all in the attitude.
54.  I'm a Christian, but I've stopped attending church regularly.  I don't feel that good about it though.
55.  I can't stand whiners and liars.  Really, I can't STAND them.  You will have a hard time getting back on my good side if you lie to me.   I'd rather have had you slap me.
56.  I have never eaten a school lunch.  Ever.  I went home for lunch all of K through 8. And my high school had split shifts all four years and I was done with classes by noon.  I was a commuter student at my 4-year college and never stepped foot in the cafeteria.
57.  I used to think Johnny Depp was super cute.  Now I think he looks like a homeless person.
58.  I buy most of my clothes at Ross's Dress for Less.  I don't like clothes shopping.  I don't know how people can buy clothes on line.
59.  I love the days when I come home from work and know there are enough leftovers so I don't have to cook dinner on a weekday.
60.  I don't know how single moms do it.  I wouldn't have been able to raise my son on my own and work full time.  Nope, even 20 years ago I would have been too tired.  
61.  I'm a terrible speller.  I have to look up words all the time.  (can you believe proofreading is part of my job?)
62.  I'm incredibly nearsighted and now I'm getting old age eyes and need reading glasses.  So I can't see far and I can't see to read.  I am so grateful for corrective lenses.
63.  I can sing.  I'm kind of good at it.  I've even been paid to do it.
64.  I'm not a PC, I'm a Mac.  But they make me be a PC at work.
65.  I talk to my mother on the phone every morning on my drive to work.  My dad answers the phone about half the time, so I talk to him a bit less.
66.  I'm lousy at sending cards.  I do it, but I'm usually late.
67.  I need to smile more.  I just don't smile enough.  My natural or relaxed expression is a frown.
68.  I don't wear make-up to work.  I just don't do it.  I just don't feel like it.
69.  I color my hair.  Well, not me, but my hairdresser.  I don't want to stop.  Ever.
70.  I have a girlfriend from grammar school that I've kept in touch with and still consider a "best friend" even though we haven't lived near each other since I married my sailor husband and he took me away.  I'm proud of us for keeping in touch.  (btw, she was my matron of honor in #12)
71.  I can be terse, both in conversation and in email.  This is a trait I am trying to change.
72.  My favorite flowers are tulips.  Any color.
73.  My heritage is Dutch.  Completely.  My husband is Swedish, English, Irish, and something else.  My parents consider ours a "mixed marriage."
74.  I am a very loyal friend.
75.  Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries don't mean very much to me.  I have to work at it to remember they mean a lot to others.
76.  I'm looking more and more like my mother every day.  It scares me.  Just a little.
77.  I only drink top shelf liquor.  So I have a large bar bill.  :)
78.  I don't talk to my brothers as much as I think I should.  But, I call them more often than they call me.  I'm not very close with my sisters-in-law, but we get along when we are together.
79.  I didn't go to one of my brother's wedding.  I was sick with Bell's Palsy and lived in Monterey, CA at the time.  His wedding was in Chicago, IL.  I still feel bad about this.
80.  I'm not afraid of technology, but I'm not geeky.  If you teach me how to do stuff with my computer, I can learn.  And, I like it.
81.  I always ask to be upgraded to first class for free when I fly.  And I get upgraded more often than you'd think.
82.  I hate to cry.  If I have to cry, I prefer to do it in the shower.
83.  I don't think I could live in the desert.  I start to feel unhappy or down if I don't see trees.
84.  I like doing sudokus and crossword puzzles to kill time.
85.  I don't read as much as I would like.
86.  I almost died from a bleeding ulcer in my stomach.  I had to have an emergency blood transfusion.  I'm not allowed to take nsaid medications anymore.  Bye-bye Aleve.
87.  I can see the river from my office window.  Sometimes I look out the window too often instead of working.
88.  I dislike ironing clothes.  My mom ironed EVERYTHING, even sheets.  I have a pile of ironing that has been there for a month.  :(
89.  I don't have a very good relationship with my son.  I think he doesn't like me and he thinks I don't like him.  I love him more than anything.  I don't understand why he doesn't see this.
90.  I'm not a fan of shopping, but I miss living near shopping malls.  I loved walking around malls and looking at all the stuff.  I love the energy I feel inside the STORES.
91.  Once I had poison ivy so bad I had it up my nose and in my mouth.  I think I got it from someone burning a field with the poison ivy in it.  I was a kid, but it was so horrible I still remember it.
92.  I've learned a lot about myself through blogging.  I think I would have learned more about myself earlier if I could have been better at writing a journal.  I just hate writing.  I never learned the cursive thing very well because of the left-handedness.  Teachers just wouldn't work with me.
93.  I've never like teachers.  I didn't like them when I went to school.  I can barely remember any of their names.  They meant nothing to me.  I HATED teachers when my son was in school.  Getting them to follow his IEP was like pulling teeth daily.  And, I find most teachers I know socially to be difficult to be around.  They are used to being the smartest person in the room during the working day.  I think they forget that when they leave the classroom, they AREN'T ANYMORE.
94.  I have an uncanny ability to remember colors.  I can match paint colors from memory.  *I have no idea of what use this could possibly be.*
95.  I startle easily.
96.  I've noticed the older I get, the more fearful I feel in new situations and new places.  I'm not happy about this.
97.  My wedding reception was in my parents back yard.  It rained 4 inches in one hour.  Can you say deluge?  No one left.  People STILL talk about my wedding.
98.  I think I'm a city girl living in a semi-rural area.  I'm ready to live in a city.  Soon.
99.  My favorite word, right now, is "Super."  It can mean so much...
100.  My favorite sound is the sound of my husband's truck, pulling in the driveway after work.