I'm not equal to you

This week the talk has been all about equality.  No matter who we are, men, women, asian, black, white, hispanic, muslim, christian, jew, gay, straight, rich, poor, smart, stupid, ambitious, lazy, all I hear is that we are all equal. 

I don't buy it.

What does equal mean?  I certainly don't contribute as much to society as a Bill Gates or a Pierre & Pam Omidyar or a Billy Graham and on and on.  I certainly do contribute more than a Casey Anthony or a Jodi Arias.  I'm not as smart as Stephen Hawking or Paul Allen, but I am smart enough to stay out of debt, raise a family, and save for my retirement.  What does it mean to be equal?  I'm not as popular as Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber.  I'm not as pretty as Julia Roberts or Angelina Jolie.  Do I think I'm equal to any of those people?  I'm going to tell you, I don't.  And, I don't think you are either.

We look to the Declaration of  Independence to find the sentence we hang the hat of all this "equality" business.  "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."  Does this mean that what everyone does with the potential of that Life, Liberty, etc. is equal?  I don't think so.

Here's what I do think.  God created every person with an equal purpose.  That purpose is to give God the glory in all we do!

We don't all produce the same results with our God-given lives.  We have each been given different talents, opportunities, and influences in our lives.  But here is where we have taken a wrong turn in our God-given lives.  We live as if we are each living an individual life.  We live as if what we do every day in every aspect of our lives does not effect anyone else.  We forget that we were created to live in community.  We put our individual desires above the desire to glorify God.  We put our individual desires above the command to love our neighbor as ourselves.

I am a christian.  I am  sinner.  Every day I choose to resist or give in to temptation.  When I give in to my sinful nature, I plead God's forgiveness.  My desire is not to be equal to my neighbor, but to love my neighbor as God loves me.  My desire is not to be equal, but to be a servant.  My desire is to be salt and light in a fallen world.

I won't be changing my fb photo to an equal sign.  During this holiest of weeks, I will be focusing on being forgiven and reconciled to my creator God through the life, suffering, bloodshed, and death of my savior, Jesus.  I pray, as I pray daily, for this nation and the desires of the hearts of the people of this nation.  I pray as Jesus prayed on the cross, "Father, forgive them.  For they know not what they are doing."

241.  Watching storm-clouds part and see the sun come shining through
242.  Bacon
243.  Time spent with old friends
244.  Hearing my husband say he is very happy in his marriage
245.  Practicing smiling at people
246.  Vacation

Controling my thoughts

Last week I wrote about one of my difficult truths about myself.  I wrote about a struggle I have to love myself, here.  It was tough to write it out.  Thank you to those who commented in commiseration, and I feel for you because I know how much it hurts, and to those who commented in encouragement by reminding me and reinforcing my knowledge of God and my relationship with him.

I learned a lot about myself and where I fall on the "normal" scale by publishing that post.  I was happy to receive feedback and I can accept it and learn from it.  I wonder, however, if there were readers that didn't comment, but understood my feelings.  Of course, I'll never know for sure.

I've been giving a lot of thought to my thought process lately.  First of all, it's a shame that I don't think about myself more highly than I do.  Yet, nobody out there is going to be able to accuse me of being conceited or big-headed about myself.  Secondly, I don't believe we can sin in our thought life.  I believe we have to act on our thoughts in order to actually sin.  I have never acted out against my body or myself in regard to my loathsome thoughts about myself.  And, even though I may think that I hate myself at least once a day, I am still fully functioning in my life.  I'm going to work.  I'm taking care of my family.  I'm interaction with society.  I am a person that needs to check myself now and again to be sure I'm not sinking into a depressed state of mind.  After all, I'm on Tamoxifen and Tamoxifen has been known to cause depression in some people.  Finally, I know that our thoughts can lead to actions and those actions could be sinful actions.

Proverbs 4:23, "Above all, be careful what you think because your thoughts control your life."

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Even the eastern philosophers knew that our life is controlled by our thoughts.  If you correct your mind the rest of your life will fall into place.  Lao Tzu

It's hard to do this.  Yet, because I've been reborn and have the Holy Spirit in me, I know it is possible.  There are tangible things I can do to change my thought process.  I searched the internet and found some ideas, both by secular psychologists and by theological teachers.  I wrote a few suggestions down and I plan to use this list to work through my mind altering process.

• Don't dwell on the past.  Everyday is a new opportunity to make great things happen.  Dwelling on past actions, after asking for forgiveness and making amends, keeps a person from living in the present.


• Don't think negatively anymore. This seems almost impossible to me.  Yet, it's what I want to do.  I want to think positively.  If I begin to think a negative or loathsome thought of myself or someone else, I can remind myself to think of a positive.


• Put my focus on the future.  Put my focus on what I want to do.  Believe that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).  I need to keep reminding myself of what can be accomplished and stop focusing on failures.


• Meditate on the positive.  Pray prayers of thanksgiving for all the blessings I have.  Meditate on the promises of God.  Do as Paul said in Philippians 4:8 and think about the pure, the lovely, and the commendable things of this world.


• Give up the word failure from my vocabulary.  There is success and learning opportunities.  There is no failure.


• Keep trying.  Don't give up on this process of changing my thought pattern.  I can correct my mind.


• Think big.  Give myself over to God's use.  Don't minimize what I think God can do with me just because I'm not thinking big enough. 


• Pay attention to my thought process.  Notice the frequency of adjusting my negative thoughts to positive thoughts.  Note the frequency of thinking or meditating on positive future events versus remembering negative past events.  Take time after meditation and prayer to notice the effort it took to pray prayers of thanksgiving over prayers of confession and humiliation.  Pay attention to my thoughts.  They are what control my life.

*An added note to this post shows what a slow learner I am.  I found this post I wrote back in January '12.  It's basically this same post all over again.  When, oh when will I get it?

220.  Knowing when my will and God's will are in line, there is nothing I cannot accomplish
221.  A beautiful weekend in Old Town Alexandria and wonderful conversations with old friends
222.  Watching my son continue to grow into a competent and confident man
223.  Having a plan to change my life
224.  Serving a God of second chances (and third and forth...)
225.  Looking forward to my small group bible study and friends that love me for who I am

What is man that you are mindful of him?

Psalm 8:1-9  O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You made him ruler over the works of your hands; you put everything under his feet: all flocks and herds, and the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the fish of the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas. O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!

I have always struggled with my worthiness.  Why have I been so blessed in this life?  Why do I have a husband that loves me so?  Why did I grow up in an intact family?  Why did God choose to bring me into this life that I am living?  Why?  why?  why?

Last night at my small group bible study we read this verse.  In fact, the verse was almost skipped because we were pressed for time.  I'm glad we didn't miss it. 

I have been made a little lower than an angel.  I have been made ruler over creation.  This is pretty big stuff.  This makes me pretty special.  If mankind has been created for a position such as this, it makes us pretty important in this world.  No wonder we have harnessed all it's resources and used it to our advantage.  But, you know what they say, "with great power comes great responsibility."  Yes, we have been given the position of authority over this earth, but we have also been given the responsibility to care for this earth.  This is the balance we need to exert. 

A question in the study asked if I had had any particular event in my life bring me to an understanding of who God is and what my relationship is to him.  I listened to the answers around the room.  Some spoke of the time in their lives (typically the college years) when they strayed from their faith and walked on the wild side.  It was interesting.  Kind of.  Sort of.  It would have been a lot more interesting if someone in the room had ACTUALLY had a racy past, but that wasn't the case.  Two members of the group are Naval Academy grads.  Nope, no racy past there.  One new graduate of William and Mary College who is also the preacher's kid.  Nope, no racy past there.  Others are government contractors or DOD employees.  And still, no sordid past.  I'm good with this.  I'm glad I study with so many upstanding citizens.  I'm glad to delve into the truth of God's word with these people.  I like them.

It was nice to know I didn't have the past of being a crack whore to fit in.  The event that changed my understanding of who God is and the nature of my relationship with him came to me when I accepted his forgiveness for a sin, I thought, was unforgivable.  I had always heard that God was in the business of forgiving.  I confess, God forgives.  That's how it works.  Yet here I was, living with an event from my past that I thought was too horrible to be forgiven.  I lived with it for years.  Then, one day while driving home from one of my son's therapy sessions in Washington, DC, something someone said on a radio program made me remember that God forgives all sins.  Jesus died on the cross for each and every one of my sins.  None were left out.  Because of the blood of Christ, God forgives and it is all arrogance, on my part, to not accept his forgiveness.  Arrogance.  I was so surprised.  I hadn't thought of it as arrogance.  I'd always thought of it as unworthiness.

But here I am.  A being created a little lower than the angels.  This is why I can be proud of who I am.  This is why the creator of the universe is mindful of me.  This is why he knows the number of hairs on my head.  The arrogance is not in how I live as a daughter of the King.  The arrogance is in thinking I know better than the King.

630.  The freedom of living with forgivness
631.  The joy of studying the word of God with like-minded people
632.  Christian radio stations
633.  Little moments of time to myself to ponder who I am in this world

National Geographic

Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.

Feel the love or feel the pain

Last week I wrote about the parable of the unmerciful servant and about forgiveness.  I remember sharing with my small group about forgiving my husband and the difficulty I had had doing this.  I truly wanted to forgive, but at that time I was still feeling pretty darn hurt.  I told my group how I was able to forgive and truly move past the hurt.  The way I did it was a bit unorthodox, but it worked for me.  I told my husband I needed to punch him, hard, in the shoulder a bunch of times or until I thought he was feeling the hurt as bad as I felt I had been hurt.  I told my small group bible study, I believed I punched my husband about 800 times over the span of a couple months.  Then my hand started to hurt and I stopped.  Everyone laughed.  This is a bit exaggerated, but the kernel of the story is true.  I did punch him in the shoulder many times in order to get past the hurt and forgive.  I love my husband and I didn't want the hurting to go on and on.  I wanted to get it over.  This worked for me.  Obviously, from the reaction of my group, this isn't a conventional way to go about forgiveness.  I told my husband it would only hurt for a little while and then I'd be over it.  And, seriously, I don't punch all that hard.

I think the difficulty of being forgiving may have something to do with this desire for the person that hurt you feel as hurt as you do.  I guess some may call this revenge and not forgiveness, but if the retaliation only lasts for a little while and the offender agrees, this may be an ok way to go about it.  I think the key to this is having the offender agree to the retaliation.  I think someone truly looking to be forgiven or someone accepting the responsibility of their actions would agree to something along these lines.  I think it becomes difficult to forgive when the offender doesn't acknowledge their hurtful actions.  This is where it becomes challenging.

For example, if you were in a bible study with church ladies and you shared about a heartbreaking situation in your family, you may be hoping for an outpouring of love and comforting actions.  And, you may get this and even have your name mentioned in the prayer at the end of the study.  After leaving the study, you might think you would get a phone call or email or text or some sort of communication from one or two of the church ladies to see how you are doing.  But, nope... nothing... crickets.  Now, I know, unspoken expectations lead to resentments.  So, here's what you do.  The next meeting of the group you mention you need support during this difficult time in your family.  You would like to get this support from this group.  You don't know exactly what you need, but you know you need to feel the love of Christ.  ('cause right now, you don't)  Again, your name is mentioned in the closing prayer and the rest of the week... crickets.  Live and learn, right?  Maybe you need to skip a week, because the sight of the church ladies is beginning to sicken you.  But, you go back.  You've learned your lesson.  There is no way you are bringing up your heartbreaking family situation, because, you've heard loud and clear, ...they aren't going to be able to be there for you.  Instead, what you hear is a praise report for the members of the youth group visiting a person in jail that came to church one time.  (this feels exactly like salt in a wound)  Aren't our youth wonderful to visit this stranger seeking Jesus, but then, unfortunately, being incarcerated and not able to attend church.  In fact, the group of church ladies wants to encourage the youth and others to continue to visit this fellow and share the love of Jesus.

And you sit there, stunned at the outpouring of love going to a stranger.  And you wonder why there is energy and desire for this stranger, while you sit there, quietly bleeding.  (what's the matter, aren't you over it already?)

You won't be going back.  You've learned that it's easier for them to show love to a stranger than to you.  It hurts.  You don't come back and they don't call you.  (it's been said, christians shoot their wounded)  You want to forgive them, because that is what christians do.  But you want them to hurt, because they hurt you.  You want to tell them they hurt you, but they won't know what you are talking about.  They prayed for you.  What more can they do?  They cannot fix the heartbreaking family situation.  You need to let them off the hook.  Besides, prayer is the best thing they can do.  There is no acknowledgment of hurt.  There is no, "I'm sorry."  There was no "bearing of another's burden."

Don't you wish you could punch them in the shoulder until they hurt like you do?  Then it would be easier to forgive. 

326.  Great re-connection with old friends
327.  Listening to my son share work "war stories" with a kindergarten teacher
328.  Homemade potato salad
329.  Beautiful afternoon with cool breezes sitting on my new deck for the first time
330.  Black forest birthday cake
331.  Watching my son and husband working together to get a big job accomplished

It's better to forgive

Last night my small group bible study focused on "The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant" from Matthew 18:21-35."

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.  As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him.  Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 

At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’  

The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 

But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.  He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. 

His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ 

But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 

When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.  Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’  In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” 

I'm going to cut straight to the chase regarding the bottom line of this parable.  Forgive others as you have been forgiven.  The unmerciful servant was forgive an extraordinary amount of money.  He would never have been able to repay his master.  The forgiveness the master gave this servant was remarkable and extremely generous.  Then the unmerciful servant came upon a servant that owed him a small amount of money and demanded repayment and withheld forgiveness.  This lack of forgiveness in the unmerciful servant is appalling to the other servants, as it should be.  The gall of this unmerciful servant is appalling and nobody feels bad for him when he is thrown in jail and tortured.

Forgiveness, we decided, is a process.  There is nothing in this story that indicates forgiveness has to happen immediately.  There are times when the injury is so great that time is needed before forgiveness can be considered.  Forgiveness is not a passive endeavor.  In fact, forgiveness is a very active process and shows great love and compassion to others. 

We also came to the conclusion that forgiveness is heals the forgiver even more than the forgiven.  Forgiving relieves us from pain and bitterness.  It's been said that not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.  Not gonna happen.

Forgiveness does not remove accountability.  You can have both, forgiveness and accountability.  Also, forgiving someone does not mean you are saying their actions were acceptable.  Actions have consequences and forgiveness does not remove those consequences.

There is more to forgiveness than just saying, "I forgive you."  Forgiveness is a heart thing.  Forgiveness is the removal of the desire for vengeance.  We came to the conclusion that forgiveness can uplift people.  It not only uplifts the forgiver and the forgiven, but it can bring light and joy into the world and uplift witnesses of the act of forgiveness.  In the parable we see how the actions of the unmerciful servant were appalling to the servants witnessing the forgiveness.  Inversely, we see the impact of the forgiveness shown by the Amish community in Nickel, PA after the murder of the schoolgirls in 2006.  There were newspaper articles and segments on forgiveness on network magazine shows and books written.  This act of forgiveness was nationwide news.

So why is it so hard to forgive?  We all know of ongoing feuds and distance between family members caused by unforgiveness.  Sometimes, when asked, the parties involved in these situations may not even remember what caused the rift, but they are not going to be the one doing the forgiving.  Forgiveness is only hard when we take it out of the perspective of forgiving as we have been forgiven by God.  When we are alone and without the support of the community of believers, it is much more difficult to forgive.  (I'm not saying the only people that can forgive are believers because forgiveness is for all people)  A community of faith in Jesus Christ and belief in God can keep our perspective right and remind us of how much we have been forgiven.  (Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.)

306.  Studying God's word with broken, but forgiven people
307.  God's forgiveness
308.  Learning from my group and having examples of those much more mature in their faith than I am
309.  Hearing the truth and having the Holy Spirit living in me, confirm that it is truth
310.  Having the rift between my brother and father prayed for, daily, by Godly men and women
311.  Seeing the hearts of both these men begin to soften

I am linking with Shanda at On Your Heart Tuesdays

He is Risen

He is risen, indeed.  We cannot visit the grave of our deity because he is not dead.  He is ALIVE.  Happy Easter.

These pants make my butt look good

Let me tell you why I blog.  I have learned so much about myself this week.  I know, 20 years ago, Oprah told everyone to journal.  I know she said it changed her life.  I'm sure it did.  But, I'll bet it doesn't hold a candle to how blogging her journal would have changed her life.  This week I opened up my coat to the blogosphere and, metaphorically, checked out my butt in the mirror to decided if my "big girl" pants made my butt look bad.

This week I examined myself and some of my motivations in life.  The most challenging thing I revealed was my negative self-talk.  I have to tell you, I appreciated the commiseration from my readers.  Sometimes it's good to know you aren't the only one doing something a little nutty, in private.  It also made me want to start a support group for us.  We can get together once or twice a week and remind each other how GREAT we are.  We can tell each other our successes for the week and compliment each other.  There are plenty of naysayers out there in the world and they are more than happy to knock us down a peg or two.  I think a support group would be so much FUN.  We could tell each other how great our butts look in our pants.  :)

This week I examined my competitive attitude.  I'm going to tell you, I thought everyone likes to win.  It was a little surprising to me that this may not be accurate.  This was eye opening.  I don't believe in winning at any cost.  I would never advocate cheating to win.  I was just commenting on my attitude of having the desire to win when I am in any competitive situation.  For example, I ran for a position on the board of directors of the HOA in my neighborhood this month.  I'd held a position on this board for the last four years.  During the last year of my term I had had a couple issues come up and I had to make some decisions that were going to please one neighbor and not please the other.  Sure, I had covenants and by-laws on my side, but there you have it.  I made a few neighbors unhappy.  Unhappy people don't keep their opinions to themselves.  I had a feeling I wasn't going to be re-elected, but I ran anyway.  I still had a few things I wanted to accomplish on the board.  In the end, I lost re-election by one vote.  Of course I was disappointed.  I wanted to win.  I'm not disappointed I don't have to serve on the board.  It's a lot of work and there is no way to make everyone happy.  My friend ran for a position on the board, too.  She didn't win either.  She said she didn't even think about the election.  She had put her name in the hat just because she was asked.  She didn't care whether or not she won.  I certainly won't be a sore loser in this situation, but I'm not going to say it didn't sting to lose.

This week I confessed I can be confrontational.  I never said I sought out confrontation.  I said, when I find myself in a situation that develops into one that requires a decision, I do not back away from making the tough decision.  I am willing to put in the work to investigate what is needed.  I'm willing to listen to both sides of an argument.  I'm willing to be the decider and have some people be unhappy with my decision.  One thing I learned from blogging about this was that this is a gift.  I may not make every decision correctly.  Some of the decisions I make may be overturned, at a later time.  But, when a decision needs to be made, I can make it.  Even if I am going to make some people unhappy.  I know you can't make all the people happy all the time, and I'm willing to do the hard work.  This is one character trait that absolutely makes my butt look good in these pants.

While digging through my feelings and thoughts about these character traits I discovered a couple things that had made me question myself.  One thing was the tendency women have to back bite and criticize in order to make themselves feel better about themselves.  It is very unfortunate this is a relatively common trait in women.  It doesn't seem to be so common for men.  A second thing I discovered was the complete acceptance of crying in the 30 something generation.  When things don't go the way they want, crying is an accepted response.  It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, it's ok to cry when things are not going your way.  Crying is a very powerful tool.  When someone cries as a response to not getting their way, emotion can sway a decision.  When I saw the SNL sketch parodying this response, I was assured this was a trend in this generation.

I thank my readers for sharing this tedious examination of my character this week.  I get it was pretty darn self-indulgent, but, seriously, blogging is a pretty self-indulgent activity.  I don't use my blog to try to teach anyone anything.  I'm just working through the struggles in my life and seeking to be happy, living my life authentically, and being the blessing I believe God created me to be.

by jalfaro2

I selected this post to be featured on my blog’s page at Blogs for Women.

 

Confessions of a hater

I think it's time I started working on a problem I have.  I have a tendency to exhibit some self-loathing.  I sometime have hateful thoughts about myself.  Sometimes I actually say these thoughts out loud.  I am not proud of this.  I really want to stop it.  I know annoys my husband.  These thoughts come to me as soon as the alarm sounds on work days.  I'm able to push them out of my head while I'm at work, most of the time.  Maybe this is a form of compartmentalization on my part.  However, if I make an error, the negative thoughts come rushing back to my mind.  On the weekends I struggle with negative thoughts if I am not completing all the tasks I have set for myself.  The thoughts that swim around my head are always the same ones.  The list is short, but brutal. 

• I hate myself
• I am a failure
• I'm no good
• I don't deserve...(this one can be very difficult)
• Everybody hates me
• I'm ugly 

When I started this blog I was hoping it would help me combat some of this self-loathing.  I even started a Happy Thoughts page to turn the negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  So far, not so good.  I'm going to do a re-start on this project of treating myself better. 

I've always wondered how those people with such incredibly high self esteem, yet are average or even marginal at whatever they do,  manage it.  Do they feel great about themselves all the time?  Do they have moments when they question their sense of self worth?  Do they have moments when they say to themselves, "I'm a failure."  I know I don't always feel these feelings of self-hatred.  Sometimes I feel just fine.  Sometimes I'm proud of myself.  It's those moments of self-loathing I want to eliminate.   

I found a list of things to do to work on this problem.  (dontcha just love the internet?)

• I'm going to start treating myself the way I treat my friends.  I forgive their shortcomings.  I need to forgive my own shortcomings.
• I need to interrupt the negative self-talk.  I need to stop.  Breath.  Maybe turn myself around.  Anything to break the pattern.
• I'm going to talk back to myself.  Especially if I say something negative about myself out loud.  If I say, "I'm a failure" I'll reply to myself, "I'm pretty darn good."
• I need to exaggerate my worthiness.  Maybe I need to take 5 minutes out of my day to praise myself.
• I'm debating whether or not I need to search for the reason I have this self-loathing.  I don't know if it is worth the effort.  The list says to write down reasons, but I think I know.  I'm in the business of being forgiving, not looking to blame.
• Remind myself why this negative self-talk is bad for me.

I saw a cartoon in the New Yorker.  A woman was holding a lamp.  She says to her friend, "It's so me, but I hate myself."  It's good to know I'm not alone.

Men, God's gift to me

Last night was the second time attending the new Bible study or small group, whichever is the best name for it.  As I mentioned before, it is mostly men.  Last night there were nine of us and seven were men.  We studied the first two chapters of Job.  Job is a man that took a licking and kept on ticking, for God.  He never lost his faith.  I need to read the book of Job more often.  I think it would do me a world of good.  I certainly believe my gratitude level would increase exponentially. 

Why do I think men are great study or small group companions?  I'll start with this.  I shared, maybe a bit too much, about struggles in my life.  I shared about my difficulties in church and a bit about the difficulties in the previous study group (there, that's the moniker I'm going to give it).  I shared about being told my ideas and thoughts about what church is supposed to be and what the Bible says to me were said to be "jaw dropping."  I believe church is to be a place to be restored and to practice our Christian brotherly love.  I want to go to church and practice speaking my testimony, OUT LOUD.  I want church to be a place where I can make a mistake.  I can be way off base about a passage in the Bible, or confess my sins and not be made to feel small and unworthy.  Even better, not to be talked about behind my back or "unfriended" or blocked on fb.  (btw, I didn't talk about the fb thing.  I'm not friending any church people anymore.  I learned my lesson.  People are one way at church and another way on fb.  just sayin')  I even used the trite phrase, "Only churches shoot their wounded."

I also shared about my drinking.  I've shared here before that I have some concerns about my drinking.  I don't believe I'm an alcoholic, but I think I had started drinking too much.  I'm working on this and I shared this.

Back to my point, why do I think men make GREAT study group companions?  After sharing, what I felt, were fairly personal and unflattering feelings and activities, I received a response so precious, it almost took my breath away.  They asked me what I needed from the group.  They said, "What do you need this group to be for you?"  *sigh*  No advice.  No chastisement.  No argument.  Just, "what do you need us to be for you."  My answer was this.  Please continue to be here.  Please continue to allow me to come here.  This is what I need. 

Now I'm not going to tell them this was the most precious thing I had ever heard spoken at a Bible study, 'cause they're men and men don't want to be told they are precious, but they are.  I'm not going to say a woman's group would have given me advice and told me what to do and given me examples of their own life experience and how things worked out for them, but they would have.  I'm going to tread softly in this group.  I'm not going to overwhelm them with my neediness, even though I have it.  It's kind of like being SUPER thirsty and drinking so much water so fast you throw it all up.  I don't want to throw up on these guys.  They deserve better than that from me.

Oh, and another thing I love is this.  They shared some deep hurts with the group.  Hurts like, losing a spouse to cancer or divorce or being out of work for a year and they don't cry about it.  They tell you it hurts and I believe it.  I don't need to see tears to believe something is painful.  I'm not a crying kind of girl.  I'm glad they were able to share these things while I was in the room.  I believe they trust me.  I will not betray that trust.  I know, I'm going to trust them. 

I mean, with God, isn't it all about trust and obedience? 

Maybe there is a "do over" in parenting

Yesterday I wrote a post about there NOT being a "do over" in parenting.  I'm not a Mommy Blogger, but I am a mom.  After I posted this I started thinking about it.  A lot. 

Yesterday's post kinda made me look like I was/am a bad mom.  I'm not a bad mom.  I don't think any parent is a perfect parent.  I made mistakes in my parenting and I shared those with you guys.  I just wanted to put a little experience, hope and strength out there in the blogosphere.  I'm trying very hard to be the encouraging and inspiring parent we all want to be.  And, I want my kid to move out of my house and live life on his own terms,... soon.

This led me to this thought.  Hey, maybe I will get my "do over."  How, you may ask? 

Maybe I'll be a grandma some day.

My mom and her great grandson

Find fault or fix it

I'm going to fix it.

"All blame is a waste of time.  No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.  The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration.  You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." Dr. Wayne Dyer.

In order to be happy I need to stop blaming or fault finding.  It is essential.  The only person I can change is myself.  We all know this, but it is hard to do.  It is MUCH easier to shift the focus from myself and seek to place it on someone else.  And, doing this is a huge waste of time.

My dryer stopped working yesterday.  Who's fault is this?  Is it my fault?  I was the one using it when it broke.  Is it the manufacturer's fault?  Kenmore sold it to me and guaranteed it would work for a year.  It has worked for 12 years.  But now it isn't.  Is it China's fault for making inferior parts and selling them to Kenmore?  I could go on and on, yet my clothes are still wet.  My problem is not being solved.  I need to fix my dryer or hire someone to fix my dryer or buy a new dryer.  I can't expect the dryer to do anything about it.  I have to DO something.  (I'm going to buy a new dryer.  :))

My coworker with the printing problem had to put in a work order to the IT Help Desk.  His problem was causing him difficulty and he made a decision to take steps to get it fixed instead of blaming me.

I found a new venue for my meeting.  I took an action to fix the problem.

I will be cordial and polite to my sister-in-law.  I will accept any blame thrown my way and refrain from casting blame.  I will not hold resentments, because it wouldn't fix anything.  I can't make my husband treat his sister with grace and care, but I've encouraged him to do so.  I will do nothing to sabotage him in his efforts to be positive.

In the past, I have been attempting to make others feel guilty over a botched situation.  This is not who I choose to be any longer.  Guilt is not a currency I choose to deal in.  The shaming of others and accepting of blame is not how I choose to move through this life.  Guilt doesn't keep me warm at night or make my life happier.  The currencies I choose to use in this life are coin of the realm, time, energy, and happiness.  (there may be more, but I can't think of any just now)  I choose to stay positive and above the accusations.

I know I was raised with guilt and shame, but this does not mean I cannot change.  It will be difficult, but worth it.  When a problem situation arises I will first seek to fix it.  After it is fixed I will assess any changes I need to make in my future actions.  God grant me the serenity to change  the things I can...

Today I am married 29 years.  I guess I'm getting a dryer for an anniversary gift.  Yippee...

Easter is coming

It is Good Friday.  The day I remember my Lord willingly went to the cross for my sins.  It's funny, to me, how the day is always overcast in my memories.  I always remember Good Fridays as rainy or threatening rain or dark clouds.  I don't know if it is truth, but it is my memory.  Today is a cloudy day.  I sit and reflect on this Lenten season and look at where I am in the love of my Lord.  I find myself square in the middle of His love.  And it is not my doing.  None of it.  In fact, if I were to rely on myself to be loved by Jesus, He wouldn't have me.  Right now, I'm not in love with His church.  I've returned to a church I went to when we first moved to this area.  It is a lovely church.  The minister is a Godly man, preaching the Word of God with as much candor as he can and keep people coming back.  It's ok with me.  I know the Truth of the Word of God is difficult.  It is exclusive and NOT tolerant.  I know it is hard to hear and convicting.  I like that about it.  I was raised a Dutch Calvinist and I know we are considered the "hardliners" of the christian denominations.  I was taught the basic beliefs and tenants of the faith when I was a tiny child.  And, my character type is such that I am VERY HAPPY when given a set of rules to adhere to .  And, I'm a traditionalist.  So, the church has been a tough place for me lately, but I'm working on it.  Anyway, I'm glad I'm going to this church.  And, I'm glad I found a church to attend BEFORE Easter.  I don't know why this feels so good to me, but it does.
 
I love going to church on Easter.  I think my favorite service of the whole year is an Easter Sunrise Service.  I've been to them many different places.  I've been to sunrise services on more beaches than I can think of.  I've been to a sunrise service on Diamond Head in Hawaii, I've been to a sunrise service in a volcano, I've been to sunrise services on boats, and I've been to many in lovely parks with mountains in the background.  There is nothing as beautiful, to me, as an Easter Sunrise Service.  I'm not going to one this year.  This church doesn't do sunrise service.  I'll be ok with that, but I'll miss it.  This year I'm focusing on being in the center of Christ's love, even though I've broken ALL the rules.  I've been mad at His church.  I've been unforgiving to His believers.  I've broken all His commands.  I've resented spending time in prayer.  And, I have chosen NOT to spend time in His Word.  I've learned a lot about love during this Lenten season.  I've shared my feelings about these things with my parents.  My parents, the teachers of all I know about the love of God.  The teachers of the faith.  The most faithful, believing people I know.  And, they were sad, of course, but they still love me.  They love me in my doubt.  They love me in my anger.  They love me in my rule breaking.

They show me how much God loves me.

I'm looking forward to being in church this Easter.  Being with other rule breakers, doubters and maybe even some haters.  We will all be there.  Smack in the center of the Love of Christ.  Even though we don't deserve it.  We believe.  We have faith.  Hallelujah, He is Risen.

Forgiveness is the BOMB!

I need to remember how good this feels.  The only thing changed in my life is MY ATTITUDE.  I have an attitude of forgiveness and it feels wonderful.  I hope I never forget and go back to the old stand-by of withholding forgiveness.  I hope my yoga improves, as well.

I don't know if there is such a thing as karma, but I do know that life does seem better with this new attitude and this release of hurt and anger.  Things just seem to be going better in my life.  I was invited to a "girls weekend" at the National Harbor.  I'm packing now and I'm SO EXCITED.  I went shopping and got two bras that have changed my life.  (if there are guys reading this, you just don't know what I mean, but trust me, this can be a real life altering experience)  And, the GREAT PEOPLE at the Apple store gave me a new battery for my Mac book FOR FREE.
 
I'm ready to go to my fun, relaxing weekend and I'm taking my forgiving attitude with me.

I've been being a *itch

It always comes back to the same Question.  Am I Being Happy in my life?  If I'm not, what is keeping me from it?  Well, I think I'll tell you.  It's my unforgiving spirit.  There, I've said it.  I've been doing the thing we all know will NOT work.  I'm holding an unforgiving spirit against three women, I feel, have hurt me deeply.  Here's the thing.  They don't care that I've been hurt.  They don't care that I'm mad about it.  And, they don't care that I wish they'd eat worms and die.  So, the only person being hurt in this whole situation is me.  I'm taking the poison.  I'm eating the worms.  I'm dying a little bit every day.  I hope writing this out helps me shed this psychological weight from my shoulders.  We will see.

But, see, I'm not done yet.  I want you to commiserate with me a bit.  I want to tell you when I posted on facebook about my mother-in-law passing many of my "friends" sent well wishes.  Some even sent actual sympathy cards to my home.  These women... these bible study women... these christian sisters... crickets.  Please don't comment on this.  Don't spin me up.  I'm venting, but I don't want confirmation.  I'm just letting a bit of steam or bile or WHATEVER UGLY thing I have in me... OUT.

I've got to stop hoping they are hurting.  I've got to stop wishing for something bad to happen to them.  It's wrong.  Very, very, very wrong.  It's been going on too long.  I wonder IF anything bad did happen to them, would I truly Be Happy?  I don't think so.  I think the Bible even says something about this.  I don't know what it says, but I'm sure it says to wish others well, not harm.  Btw, if you know verses about this, please share these.

Maybe this unforgiving spirit is why I'm so crabby when I get home from yoga?  May there is something to this body, mind, spirit connection?  Maybe I'm holding this bile in my hips?  Who knows?  I'm focusing of getting out of my comfort zone this week.  I think this grudge I'm holding has become my comfort zone.  I want OUT.  I need to forgive and move on.  I need to let this go.  I've held this WAY too long.

Thanks for allowing me this space.

Namaste.

Being happy and forgiving

Last night I met with the group of women I meet with on Thursday evenings to study the Bible and learn to live a life pleasing to Jesus.  This particular evening gave me a lot to think about for my goal to be happy.

Forgiving as I have been forgiven.

I don't consider myself a grudge holder.  I've found this wastes an enormous amount of my energy.  Since I'm over 50 I don't have that much energy to waste anymore.  It was interesting to listen to the difficulties we have in forgiving others and how witholding forgiveness felt like power to each of us.  I thought about the idea of having this "power" and found it just didn't work for me.  I thought about the idea of forgiving all offenses committed against me all this time.  I'm wondering how that will work for me.  Will it make me look weak?  Will it cause me to be the stereotypical doormat?  Ok, I can try this.  What do I care what the other people out there think of me.  Really, I think can do this.  I'm going to start with bad drivers and people in line (anywhere) in front of me.  I'll move to more difficult areas of forgiving with coworkers and my boss.  Then, of course, I need to move on to my family.  I'll start with the ones I don't live with and then move on to the ones I do live with.

This sounds like a plan to me.  In fact, even as write this down I'm beginning to feel a tiny bit happy.

I know there is another area of forgiveness that is going to be a challenge for me.  Forgiving myself.  I set the bar pretty high for myself.  I wonder what it would feel like to let myself off the hook.  I certainly don't meet my standards and the usual punishment for that is to do exactly what I know will hurt me further.  I'm not sure I will be able to forgive myself as easily as I forgive others (which I know will not be easy either), but I'm going to try.  This is a bit scary for me.  If I forgive myself for not meeting the obligations I set for myself will the result move in a positive direction or will I sink further into self-destructive behaviors.

Interesting.  I will take another step forward, with hope.