I hate myself. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think so. I even say it out loud sometimes. I try not to say it out loud at work, because it does sound a little crazy when someone else hears the words. It doesn't sound crazy to me, at all. I'm used to hearing the words in my head dozens of times each day. But when my husband hears me say it out loud he looks at me like I may be a little crazy. Or maybe he's just sad for me. I don't think my husband ever hears those words in his head.
I try to figure out why I'm so tough on myself and I hardly ever let myself off the hook. I mostly blame my parents. I mean, isn't it your parents that really screw you up? I think my kid thinks this about me sometimes. I tell myself that I'm over my childhood. I'm an adult and I'm responsible for my own feelings and thoughts. My parents did the best they could with what they had. I was a rebellious child. I'm sure I made it tough on them.
I feel it is insulting to God to tell myself that I hate myself when I know how much he loves me. I've been told it is the devil that is always in my ear, telling me I'm not good and I don't deserve self-love. It's such a struggle. That negative voice is SCREAMING in my head and the voice of God is still and soft. I know I am to be accountable for every word I utter. I know Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount that hating my brother is the same as murdering him. So when I say I hate myself am I committing suicide?
It's such a dilemma. I don't hate myself enough to allow myself too much discomfort or pain. I'm not keeping creature comforts like too much food and a soft bed and too much idleness from being in my life, but then I am so disappointed and loathing of myself because I've done those things. When have I been good enough? Which day will I have accomplished enough to tell myself, "well done?"
There are bible studies devoted to having biblical self esteem. Maybe I was born in the wrong time. Maybe being born in this time when having high self esteem was the most important thing one could have makes it so noticeable that I'm different. I certainly am not part of the YouTube generation. I know I can't do anything. I know that if pride is a sin, then pride is something done in a shoddy manner must be worse than a sin.
I'm searching for the cure. I'm looking for the balance between loving myself and not indulging myself. The balance between striving to do better and hating myself when I don't meet my own standard. I can't get this self-appreciation from outside of myself. I'm going to have to pull it out from within myself. I've made some inroads to recovery by focusing on the things I am grateful to have in my life. But even that is a double edged sword. If I can't think of something I'm grateful to have immediately, I think of myself as being selfish and ungrateful because I know I am so blessed.
One thing I know for sure is that because I have the Holy Spirit living in my heart, I will be able to find this love of self. Maybe I can learn to accept this feeling of self-loathing and then remind myself I am completely loved and accepted by the creator of the universe, so what I think of me is much less important than what he thinks of me. I don't want to set my bar lower. I see too much dumbing down and acceptance of mediocrity to lower my standards.
What have you done to be an overcomer of this condition of self-hate?
I'm linking with Emily today at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.
210. Anticipation of meeting up with old friends
211. Seeing sunshine after a gray, dreary day yesterday
212. Daffodiles
213. Forsythias
214. The color yellow (it's such a happy color)
I try to figure out why I'm so tough on myself and I hardly ever let myself off the hook. I mostly blame my parents. I mean, isn't it your parents that really screw you up? I think my kid thinks this about me sometimes. I tell myself that I'm over my childhood. I'm an adult and I'm responsible for my own feelings and thoughts. My parents did the best they could with what they had. I was a rebellious child. I'm sure I made it tough on them.
I feel it is insulting to God to tell myself that I hate myself when I know how much he loves me. I've been told it is the devil that is always in my ear, telling me I'm not good and I don't deserve self-love. It's such a struggle. That negative voice is SCREAMING in my head and the voice of God is still and soft. I know I am to be accountable for every word I utter. I know Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount that hating my brother is the same as murdering him. So when I say I hate myself am I committing suicide?
It's such a dilemma. I don't hate myself enough to allow myself too much discomfort or pain. I'm not keeping creature comforts like too much food and a soft bed and too much idleness from being in my life, but then I am so disappointed and loathing of myself because I've done those things. When have I been good enough? Which day will I have accomplished enough to tell myself, "well done?"
There are bible studies devoted to having biblical self esteem. Maybe I was born in the wrong time. Maybe being born in this time when having high self esteem was the most important thing one could have makes it so noticeable that I'm different. I certainly am not part of the YouTube generation. I know I can't do anything. I know that if pride is a sin, then pride is something done in a shoddy manner must be worse than a sin.
I'm searching for the cure. I'm looking for the balance between loving myself and not indulging myself. The balance between striving to do better and hating myself when I don't meet my own standard. I can't get this self-appreciation from outside of myself. I'm going to have to pull it out from within myself. I've made some inroads to recovery by focusing on the things I am grateful to have in my life. But even that is a double edged sword. If I can't think of something I'm grateful to have immediately, I think of myself as being selfish and ungrateful because I know I am so blessed.
One thing I know for sure is that because I have the Holy Spirit living in my heart, I will be able to find this love of self. Maybe I can learn to accept this feeling of self-loathing and then remind myself I am completely loved and accepted by the creator of the universe, so what I think of me is much less important than what he thinks of me. I don't want to set my bar lower. I see too much dumbing down and acceptance of mediocrity to lower my standards.
What have you done to be an overcomer of this condition of self-hate?
I'm linking with Emily today at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.
210. Anticipation of meeting up with old friends
211. Seeing sunshine after a gray, dreary day yesterday
212. Daffodiles
213. Forsythias
214. The color yellow (it's such a happy color)
