Debbie Downer has left the building

Let me begin by saying, everybody has a bad day sometimes.  Ok, yesterday I wasn't feeling great about myself.  It happens.  It happens to EVERYBODY, right?  At least, that is what I'm counting on.  All people feel "less than" at some point.  Nobody has it all together.  And yesterday I spilled it out on my blog.  Nobody wants to read about "poor pitiful me."  I read the comments and thought a lot of things over and sifted through the advice and came up with my own decision.  And, here it is.  I'm going to class on Wednesday and I'm going to work through the introspective portion of the program.  I may or may not share my Command Statement with the group.  We will see how the evening goes.  But, I know what it is.  I've thought it over and I know it.  And no way, no how am I going to put it on the internet for all to read and copy and email to my mother and keep me from ever becoming President of the United States.  (I just had to share that because sometimes I think people forget when you put something on the internet it is there forever and can come back to haunt you at any time.  So, those naughty pics you post on fb... will show up when you are running for president.  just sayin')  I know my Command Statement and my lie.  Since I know these things I can see them for what they are and tell myself the truth.  And, my truth is "I do care about myself."  I care about myself VERY MUCH.  Good.

The second thing I got from the blog was encouragement to try doing yoga in my own home.  There are many internet sites with yoga classes on them.  I can do some at home and, if I feel like it, I can always take another class at the studio.  It's completely up to me.  Also, I can meditate at home.  This is something I really thought I couldn't do, but I can.  I don't need a class to do this.

Finally, if I want to go to the Celebration I can go.  I paid my money.  I attended the classes.  I went to some yoga classes.  I PARTICIPATED.  It is up to me.  I don't have to feel ashamed in ANY way.  So, that's where I am on the 40 days of yoga.  I'm feeling pretty darn good about myself.

Thank you to all who commented on yesterday's post.  It is constantly amazing that people will take time out of their busy days to read my blog and even more amazing, to me, they will take EXTRA time to comment.  You guys don't even know me.  It's such a good thing for me to see my thoughts outside my head on the computer screen.  I see them and think, Huh?  What are you thinking?  Why are you being so tough on yourself?  Or, why are you letting yourself off the hook?  Shape up.  Work harder.  Get over it.  Move on.  See, these are the things I say to myself after I hit the Publish Post button.  I really try not to think about you readers out there, too much.  I don't want to edit myself into someone I'm not because I don't want to embarrass myself in front of people I don't really know and will never meet.  (Love ya, but really, we don't know each other.)  Anyway, there it is.  Some days I'm a ROCK STAR and some days I'm NOT.  Some days I check EVERYTHING off my to-do list and some days, not so much.  Either way.  I'm OK.  And, I'm doing the best I can.

For your viewing pleasure, I've included Rachel Dratch from SNL doing her thing.

Week 5 of yoga :(

I didn't do week 5.  I am a quitter.  I'm feeling pretty low about this.  I started out, as I start almost everything, with the best of intentions.  And then I quit.  I haven't done a yoga practice in a week.  I haven't meditated in two weeks.  I did do the three day fruit feast in week four, but... I still view myself as a quitter.

I have learned something in this 40 days of yoga.  I learned I don't like yoga very much.  It's MUCH harder than people say it is.  I really had a difficult time with it.  I may give it another shot, but not in the very near future.  I actually have a few days left before the program is over.  I do have an opportunity to take a yoga class or two.  I have another Wednesday night class available to attend.  And, then there is the Celebration on Friday.  I don't feel as if I deserve to go to the celebration.  I didn't do the program completely.  In fact, if you put my participation in the program into percentages, I was most likely under 50%.  I tried, but failed.

Now, I know in any program like this you get out of it what you put into it.  I have to say, I know MUCH more about yoga and meditation and myself than I knew before I started the 40 day program.  I learned things about myself that were a little hard to face.  I also got motivated.  During this program I worked a lot harder at clearing the clutter in my home.  I also went to the gym more regularly.  I was faithful in writing my blog.  And, I did look into my reactive ways of acting and thinking.  And, I learned I don't have to be that way.  I can take a breath.  I can stop and think.  It takes practice, but it can be done. 

You know, now that I'm thinking back on this, I did get something out of this program.  I believe it was in week two I was able to forgive a long held hurt and move forward.  And, I have felt a lot more comfortable about my job.  In fact, just last week I was asked to do something that is REALLY not my job to do.  And, I didn't know how to do it.  I was proud of myself for telling my boss I DIDN'T know how to do what he was asking, not because I'm not smart, but because it isn't my job to do that particular function of the job.  Instead of saying yes and making myself NUTS trying to figure out what to do.  No shame, just the facts.  So, maybe I got something out of yoga.  Certainly not the ability to do vinyasa  flow yoga, but to try something new.  Try something I'm not good at doing.  Take a risk.  But, I still think I'm a quitter.  Darn it.

Week 4 of the 40 day yoga thing. What was I thinking?

I probably don't sound all that enthusiastic, do I?  This yoga thing is ridiculously difficult.  I had no idea what I was signing up to do.  Really.  No freaking idea.  Had I known what I know now, ...  I just can't say.  Let me start with this item of news.  I got sick this week.  I had a bad cold and a fever.  I felt terrible.  And I thank God I got sick.  Week 4 would have killed me otherwise.  Here's the thing.  In week 4 you do a three day fruit "feast."  FEAST?, umm, well, ok.  Well, you get to eat a lot of fruit.  I don't know about other people, but I do not find fruit a satisfying meal.  I like to have some fruit with my meal.  I like to have fruit and cheese as a desert or even a light lunch.  But, fruit with fruit and then a little more fruit is not my cup of tea.  Oh yeah, they don't want me to have my coffee, either.  So, all fruit, no coffee.  See why the bad cold is looking so good.  And, I'm at work.  Eating fruit makes you have to use the bathroom a lot.  Anyway, my co-workers think I've become a coke addict.  They have no idea why I won't eat food and I'm in the bathroom all the time.  Great, my reputation is smudged.  (Not really, but it's funny to blame stuff on yoga.  They're all spiritual and such.)  Ok, enough on the eating. 

The second leg to this project is the meditation.  I'm really better at this than I thought I'd be.  My problem is I forget to do it.  I can turn this sucker around on a dime.  I just put a reminder in my cool iPhone and it will remind me to do my meditation.  Which, I believe in week 4 is up to a half an hour in the morning and a half an hour in the afternoon.  Gee, I guess I might not be as good at this as I thought.

Thirdly, the yoga.  I suck.  That's it.  Period.  Thank goodness I was sick.  I don't think I would have the energy with the fruit thing and the yoga.  So, being sick is my excuse to not practice yoga.  And let's talk a little bit about what I call practicing yoga.  The people that are REALLY doing the 40 day thing are REALLY doing yoga.  They are doing the vinyasa flow yoga, not the "struggle to get into a pose" yoga I practice.  The yoga they are doing is SERIOUSLY cardio.  I know I've told you I sweat like crazy in my "practice."  So, you know there is NO WAY I can dream of keeping up with that program.  Thank goodness for cold and flu season. 

But, I'm not going to quit.  Even though EVERYTHING in my being tells me to eat a sandwich and I'm only on day two of the three day fruit fun.  But, I'm not going to do that.  I'm going to eat fruit.  Tonight I will meditate for longer than I do anything, even stuff I like doing.  And, tonight I will attend the class that usually includes exercises I find VERY DIFFICULT to participate in, but I WILL PARTICIPATE. 

I wonder if any of the others in the class are having a hard time with this class?  Everyone seems so enthusiastic on Wednesday evenings.  Maybe all the fruit will be the tipping point.  We will see.  Thanks for letting me share.  It helps.  I'm supposed to be journaling, but...  Oh well, I'm eating the fruit.

Equanimity

I'm going deep here, so stay with me.  Equanimity is the focus for week 3.  Equanimity.  Webster defines it as "evenness of mind especially under stress."  I'm going to have to say this is not my strong suit.  I lose it under stress.  I hate pain and discomfort.  I don't like loud noises and am easily startled.  I don't like it hot and I don't like it cold.  I think week 3 is looking like a tough one.  Can't wait to dive into this one.  Here is the positive side to this coin.  I have the opportunity to learn A LOT.

The first exercise we had in the understanding of equanimity was to sit on our knees with our toes curled under for two minutes.  Awesome.  I think I made it for 10 seconds and my right big toe is still hurting.  What does this say about me?  The first answer coming to my mind for this is QUITTER.  Yep, that's what I think.  I know, intellectually, I'm not a complete quitter.  After all, I went to the class.  I participated in the exercise.  I just couldn't stay with it for two minutes.  I still feel like a quitter.  Now, I'm going to do what I always do.  I'm going to give you my excuses.  Here goes.  First, I was in an hour and a half yoga practice that KICKED MY BUTT just prior to this exercise.  The teacher did a hips, core and balance class and she was brutal.  No modification suggestions and every time I couldn't do the pose I could see her LOOKING at me.  I was so self conscious.  It was uncomfortable, both physically and mentally.  *Gee, I love yoga.*  But, I had decided to go into the class with a positive attitude.  This was my intention.  Btw, yoga is a lot about intention.  Intention for your yoga practice.  Intention for your breathing.  Intention for your meditation.  A lot of intention.  Excuse number two, I'm way heavier than most of the others in the class, but my toes are the same size as theirs.  The physics of this exercise GUARANTEE  my toes will hurt more.  I'm pretty sure I'm right about this.  Pressure per square inch would be greater on MY TOES.  Ok, those are the excuses.

Back to equanimity.  What does sitting on your toes for two minutes have to do with equanimity?  Let me tell you, because I think I get it.  STAY WITH THE PAIN.  Just wait.  Don't react to the pain.  Don't react to the situation.  Breathe.  Give the situation a bit of thought.  Don't look for the quick fix.  Think.  Let the answer come to you.  Don't struggle to find the solution.  Let it come to you. 

As I said, equanimity is not my strong suit.  This week 3 is going to take a lot of work.  I'm going to have to breathe through my cardio.  Breathe through the weight work.  Breathe through my yoga practice.  Breathe through my challenges at work.  Breathe through my food choices.  No grab and go.  Think.

Well, I think I used the word equanimity four or five or even six times in this post.  So, if nothing more, you learned a new word.  I think the Bible speaks on equanimity, as well.  We are to be slow to anger, slow to speak.  We are not to worry, but to give it to God.  We are promised trouble in the world, but told to "fear not" because the world has been overcome by our Lord.    I think I really need week 3.

photo credit

Oh, and I just have to share this because it is HILARIOUS.  They just don't make womens pants with pockets.

Weak 2 and a half (yes, I mean weak)

Ok, I didn't rock week 2 in my 40 days of yoga.   I think my FABULOUS weekend away didn't help me out.  I got out of the routine.  I gained back my two pounds. :(  Ok, whining over.

I learned a lot of "stuff" about myself during week 2.  It all started with the exercise we had to do at the last Wednesday meeting.  We were to get out of our comfort zone by singing and dancing in front of a small group of five people.  Now, mind you, there were six small groups of five people and we could all see each other, but ...excuses excuses.  Well, I was a sourpuss about it.  I didn't want to do this.  At all.  No way.  But I did it.  Grudgingly.  Nobody could have done it MORE grudgingly or with a bigger frown on their face.  I was the CHAMPION of the crabby look.  So childish.  I'm embarrassed.  I had a breakthrough.

This may have been the tipping point resulting in the forgiveness I was finally able to allow in my life.  All the other people in the class were jumping around and laughing and singing and enjoying themselves.  What the heck was my problem?  Why couldn't I do it?  Somewhere along the evening I had decided I didn't want to participate.  I can't say why.  I really don't know why.  I just made up my mind for no good reason.  I didn't need a reason.  I'm a grown-up and I put on my party pooper pants and acted just that way.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?  I'd signed up for this 40 days without a gun to my head.  This wasn't something I HAD to do, I WANTED to do it.  Granted, I didn't know what it was going to involve, but that's the way it goes.  You pays the money, you gets what you get.  Anyway, I thought long and hard about my attitude and why it was so poor.  What was going on in my life keeping me from fully participating in my life?  And, the issue of an unforgiving spirit surfaced.  And, I forgave.  And, it feels good.

Now, there were other particulars of week 2 I was more successful at doing.  One was using fresh foods in my diet instead of processed foods.  I did this fairly well.  I took the time to peel and chop and cook.  Maybe I'll share some of those things at a later date.  Meditation didn't go so well.  I really need to make this a priority.  Like I've said before, I believe this is a discipline of the mind and a discipline to be in control of one's own thoughts.  I don't know the Bible very well, but I believe it says something about sin beginning in the mind and something else about taking hold of one's thought life.  Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Tonight is the meeting for week 3.  I'm going in with an open mind and a desire to participate.  I'll do my first yoga practice in five days before the meeting.  I know it will be a physically difficult evening, but I'm excited.  I'm getting back with the program.  I'm not a quitter.  And, really, it's progress, not perfection.  Isn't it?

I've been being a *itch

It always comes back to the same Question.  Am I Being Happy in my life?  If I'm not, what is keeping me from it?  Well, I think I'll tell you.  It's my unforgiving spirit.  There, I've said it.  I've been doing the thing we all know will NOT work.  I'm holding an unforgiving spirit against three women, I feel, have hurt me deeply.  Here's the thing.  They don't care that I've been hurt.  They don't care that I'm mad about it.  And, they don't care that I wish they'd eat worms and die.  So, the only person being hurt in this whole situation is me.  I'm taking the poison.  I'm eating the worms.  I'm dying a little bit every day.  I hope writing this out helps me shed this psychological weight from my shoulders.  We will see.

But, see, I'm not done yet.  I want you to commiserate with me a bit.  I want to tell you when I posted on facebook about my mother-in-law passing many of my "friends" sent well wishes.  Some even sent actual sympathy cards to my home.  These women... these bible study women... these christian sisters... crickets.  Please don't comment on this.  Don't spin me up.  I'm venting, but I don't want confirmation.  I'm just letting a bit of steam or bile or WHATEVER UGLY thing I have in me... OUT.

I've got to stop hoping they are hurting.  I've got to stop wishing for something bad to happen to them.  It's wrong.  Very, very, very wrong.  It's been going on too long.  I wonder IF anything bad did happen to them, would I truly Be Happy?  I don't think so.  I think the Bible even says something about this.  I don't know what it says, but I'm sure it says to wish others well, not harm.  Btw, if you know verses about this, please share these.

Maybe this unforgiving spirit is why I'm so crabby when I get home from yoga?  May there is something to this body, mind, spirit connection?  Maybe I'm holding this bile in my hips?  Who knows?  I'm focusing of getting out of my comfort zone this week.  I think this grudge I'm holding has become my comfort zone.  I want OUT.  I need to forgive and move on.  I need to let this go.  I've held this WAY too long.

Thanks for allowing me this space.

Namaste.

1st week complete, whew...

I posted earlier about doing 40 days of yoga and I'm doing it.  I'm doing it the best I can.  In the post about what I was "gonna do" I said a lot of things.  I was completely talking out of my butt.  I had NO idea what to expect.  None.  Seriously.  So, since I have week 1 under my belt I can share with some experience.  Here goes.

I'm pretty sure I'm one of the oldest people in the class and I'm certain I'm the heaviest.  (this is a hard for me to say aloud.  I don't know why, because I know I'm not invisible, but it just is, ... hard to say.)

Yoga is hard to do when you are fat.  I'm sure it's hard to do when you are not fat, but the belly and thighs make a HUGE difference.  I'm making an enormous (haha) effort not to become discouraged.  I'm mostly attending beginner classes.  And I should ONLY take beginner classes.  However, the Sunday evening class is for EVERYONE, so they accommodate all experience levels.  Most of the people in this class are experienced, so... the yoga practice is harder.  Let me share some of my joy.  When the class begins I think to myself, boy, I hope I don't fall down.  I really don't want to fall down.  I think if I fall down, I won't be going back there.  So far, I haven't fallen down.  Booyah!!!  Then I begin to do my best at getting into and holding the poses.  It's hard for me.  I look at the girls on either side of me fold their lithe bodies and look completely at ease in the poses.  Their hair is smooth.  Their eyes closed, faces serene.  And dry.

Now look at me.  I'm in my pose, sort of.  My hair is mussy, because it will NOT stay in the ponytail I affected this morning, because my hair is NOT quite long enough to stay put so strings of hair are hanging in my face.  Obviously my eyes are NOT closed or I wouldn't be able to see what the other girls are doing.  My face is NOT serene.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I look puzzled.  I try to use the puzzled look to mask the pained look.  Oh yeah, and my face is NOT dry.  I'm SWEATING.  A LOT.

Now you have a picture of my yoga.  Not pretty.  The goal for the week was to attend 3 - 4 yoga classes and to do 1 - 2 home practices.  I attended 3 classes and did zero home practices.  I don't know any by heart yet, so...  There you go.

Meditation is also part of this class.  As I mentioned before, this is not my strong suit.  I really have no strong suit in this 40-day class, but meditation has NEVER been something I could do at all.  Well, surprisingly enough, I've been kinda OK at meditation.  So surprising.  I'm finding that focusing on my breath and my body for 5 minutes at a pop is something I can do.  We were supposed to meditate twice each day for 5 minutes each.  I did it 3 times this week.  OK, so, I didn't do it as much as I was supposed to do, but the quality of those 3 times was darn good.

Thirdly, mindful eating was a part of the program this week.  Why do I want to eat this?  How will it make my body feel?  Do I want this because I am hot?  Or cold?  etc.  etc.  etc.  This WAS fairly key for me.  It does slow down the "grab and go" eating that is a part of my existence.  I can't say I did this perfectly, but I did it often.  I'm not sure I completely understand the desire for food and the hot or cold body experience, but this seems to be an important part of the program.  I will make an effort to grasp this concept more fully.  Fyi, I've lost 2 lbs. this week.  So, ...  I'm looking at this as a positive.  Tough to do, but I think I should.

Lastly, journaling and answering "excavation questions."  Another tough area for me.  I understand journaling is one of the MOST powerful vehicles for change.  I'm trying to do it.  For some reason, blogging like this is easier for me than writing in a book.  But, I don't think you would like to hear the answers to the questions I'm being asked to contemplate.  Example, "Where in my life am I flirting with disaster?"  No one wants to hear the answer to THAT ONE.  :)

There you have it in a nutshell.  One week of the 6-week program complete.  One week to changing my way of thinking about my body, my thoughts, my interactions, my self-care.  This is all good.  Thanks for letting me share.  A little accountability goes a long way.

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Meditation

Quiet my mind
Close my eyes
Slow my thoughts
Experience the stillness
Connect to my body
Stop doing for a moment and be

Quiet

Sit comfortably
Touch fingertips to fingertips
Feel the feelings
Thoughts drift
Feel my fingertips

Quiet

See my body through my forehead
Feel my edges
My skin touches my clothes
Thoughts drift
Feel my fingertips

Quiet

Experience the stillness
Thoughts drift
See my feet through my forehead
Connect to my body
Feel my fingertips

And I've been quiet and my thoughts have been focused

40 days of yoga

Today I am taking the first step on an odyssey, I'm afraid, will be no less perilous than that of Ulysses.  I am beginning a "40 Days To Personal Evolution" program at the neighborhood yoga center.  I'm scared.  I'm not a real yoga person.  I've taken at few yoga classes.  I've taken a couple tai chi classes.  I've taken two qi gong classes.  *and, as a side note, I pronounced it wrong.  it's pronounced chi gong.  oh really.*  I've seen all the yoga girls coming out of the yoga classes.  They're all TINY.  No chubby girls take yoga classes.  Yoga pants aren't known for their camouflaging properties.  Sure, they stretch like nobodies business, but they are, shall we say, clingy.  Oh yeah, and I don't know if you remember this about me, I'm over 50.  Not just over 50, but almost half-way over 50.  Flexibility is NOT my middle name anymore.

So, you may wonder what exactly, I am afraid of.  It can't be the fear that I may not do yoga as well as others accompanying  me on this journey.  Nope, that is a given.  ANYONE can do yoga better than me.  My dog can do yoga better than me.  Could the fear be stepping out and trying a new thing?  Well, we are getting closer.  The unknown is a scary place.  I don't know any of these people.  I don't know any of the teachers  This does give me a tiny bit of pause, but I don't think this is the biggest portion of my fear.  Will I hurt myself?  No, this isn't it.  I know I won't hurt myself.  Will I quit before the 40 days is completed?  Ding ding ding.  We have a winner!!!  This is my biggest fear.  I want to give this program my full participation.  It is all on me to take the suggested classes during each week.  It is all on me to do the homework and do the "at home practices" and do the meditations.

Meditations?!?  What??  I don't meditate.  This scares me to death.  This has always been the portion of a yoga class I just don't understand.  What is supposed to be happening in meditation.  I don't know what goes on in your "mind's eye", but my mind has a grocery list, that closet in the back bedroom that needs sorting out, the three projects I have sitting on my desk in the office, the quality of the oil in my car, the state of the economy in Namibia, ANYTHING but what I think everyone else is meditating on.  I start to get nervous.  I say to myself, "Hey, stop thinking about frozen pizzas and which hot dog buns to buy this time.  Your supposed to be meditating and freeing your mind.  Ok, think about a beach.  Really, a beach...  NO, stop thinking about whether or not we should use the time-share this year or try to sell it on that travel website.  You're supposed to be meditating.  Ok, think about a mountain.  Sigh, a mountain...  Hey, did you remember to have the break fluid checked at the shop the last time?  I wonder if I'm going to have to buy new tires?  STOP thinking about that stuff...you're supposed to be meditating."  DING.  Meditation time is over.  Now I'm a wreck.  I've just added five more things to my to-do list.

I think we've narrowed down my fears to two.  Number one, having another endeavor I have paid money for and didn't complete.  Number two, meditation and focusing on my own thoughts.  I guess when I look at these fear "on paper" they don't seem so scary.  I mean, what's the worst that can happen?  I guess I'll find out.  Namaste.

image from jiggaroo.com