Skipping Easter

I'm not going to church for the Easter service for the first time in my life, ever.  I'm going to be traveling tomorrow.  I'll be flying home from Reno, NV, via San Diego, CA.  It feels weird to think I won't be attending church on Easter this year.  I mean, even marginal christians make it to church on Easter and Christmas.  Another odd thing about this event is that I haven't been all that good at attending church, period.  I'm still struggling with attending traditional church services.  I had to quit one church, because of the mean church ladies I was in a bible study with, but I found another church.  It's just hard to trust people with something as vulnerable as my faith.  I'm working on it.  And, it's coming along.  I am trying to attend more regularly.

This Easter I'll be on a plane.  I'll be thinking about how loved I am.  I'll be thinking that the love Jesus had for me is what held him on the cross.  Those nails were unnecessary.  I'll be thinking about how loved I am by my Lord.  I'll be contemplating the blessings I have in my life because I trust the promises of God.  I'll be dwelling on the hope I have because of the death and resurrection of Jesus.  And, I'll be listening to this song on my iPhone.  My dad used to sing this song at every Good Friday service or Easter service I attended when I was a kid.  Btw, this guy does a good job singing the song, but my dad ROCKED this song in the day.

He is risen, my friends.  He is risen, indeed.

251.  Beautiful drive in the mountains
252.  Being treated like royalty at Harrah's hotel in Reno
253.  Looking forward to getting to my home, seeing my son and my dog
254.  Chocolate
255.  Watching children hunt for Easter eggs
256.  Hearing the words, Easter eggs, Easter, Easter bunny and not "spring" eggs and "spring" bunny
257.  Hearing news anchors being appalled that the word Easter has become offensive to some
258.  Knowing the God I serve is big enough to withstand this insult

My friend had the biggest smile and the strongest hope

Yesterday I went to the funeral of a friend.  In reality, she was much more than a friend.  She was a sister in Christ.  Actually, she was more than a sister in Christ.  She was my Titus 2 woman.  She was a woman I looked to for spiritual guidance.  Especially for spiritual guidance in my role as a wife and a mother.

Evidently I wasn't her only friend.  The church was packed.  The funeral was standing room only.

My husband and I looked at each other.  We didn't even have to say it.  We knew what we were each thinking.  There was no way either of us could fill a church with friends like that.  Linda was a special person.  Even the minister was struggling to keep it together as he read the verses from the bible that give us hope for eternity.  Even though he was full of the knowledge that our friend was in heaven with her king, the pain of losing her, as a friend on this earth, was too great.

You might think, "my, this woman must have been a perfect woman."  You may think she was goodness personified.  She wasn't, you know.  She was a normal, flawed human being.  She had struggles in her life.  I remember when my son was young, I went to her for support and sympathy.  So often we christians have a tendency to act as if we have it all together.  My friend, Linda, let me see her cracks.  She had been divorced and was now remarried.  She struggled with this.  She knew God hates divorce, but she knew God loved her.  So even though she had been through tough times in marriage, she could share with me how special and important the sacrament of marriage was to her.  I was at a difficult time in my marriage.  I had a husband that was working A LOT.  And added to the extra working hours was a 20 hour a week commute.  My son is severely dyslexic.  Schoolwork was such a struggle.  Needless to say, I found myself overwhelmed at times.

My friend was there for me.  She shared the tough times she had been through and how she had squeaked through them by hanging on to hope and praying.  She reminded me that God keeps his promises.  She reminded me that God will restore the days the locusts devour. (Joel 2:25)  (she had a sense of humor.  do you see how she compared children and needy husbands to locusts?)  There were two things my friend always had to give me, her smile and hope.  Her smile was the biggest and brightest anyone could have.  Her hope was firm and never-ending.  Her hope was in Jesus.

Our friendship was broken for a few years.  This is the weird thing about "church friends."  It seems that sometimes we can only be friends with people in certain arenas.  Linda was my church friend.  When I stopped going to the church she was going to, we lost touch.  If I saw her somewhere else in the community, we were always glad to see each other, but it wasn't the same.  She was busy and involved with her church and I wasn't a part of her church.  That's just how things go sometimes.  But, when I came back to her church, she was the gladdest to see me of all the people at that church.  She made me feel as if I had come home.

She was sick when we reconnected.  She was very sick and I think she knew she wasn't going to get better.  Cancer is such an ugly disease.  I hate cancer.  The treatment for cancer is almost worse than most other diseases you can get.  It's a violent treatment.  My friend never lost her smile or her hope.  She may have lost her appetite for food (I had to put something in this post about food or I just wouldn't feel right linking to Emily's blog), but she never lost that beautiful smile on her face.

She was taken home to our lord too soon.  She was only 69.  I know many of you reading this may think 69 is a good time to die.  It's not.  It's too soon.  This life on earth is a good one.  I know heaven is perfect, but this life with our loved ones is a good life.  I checked her facebook page.  My friend had 69 facebook friends.  That just shows what the caliber of a facebook friend is.  Linda had THOUSANDS of friends.  She had tens of THOUSANDS of friends.  So all you people with a thousand plus fb friends... well, let's just see how many of them crowd together to say farewell to you at the end of your life.

Thanks for letting me take a moment to share this tiny tribute to my friend.  I miss her.  I don't know why I thought she would just get better and we'd be together, like it was when I was younger.  I guess I knew she was very sick, but her hope in God's love made me have hope that God would give her more time with us.

I'm linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.

196.  Hope in the promises of God
197.  Friends (even church friends)
198.  Restored health (yay!)
199.  Eating food without fear (because that nasty virus is DEAD)
200.  Being reminded that smiling is a good thing to do
201.  Having my purse returned to me when I was forgetful enough to leave it behind (I was at a church, but still...)
202.  Signs of Spring EVERYWHERE

What has happened to personal responsibility?

"We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions."  Ronald Reagan

Personal responsibility.  There's a concept from the past.

The tragedies of this month have again brought out the question, who is to blame?

Who is to blame for the bad things happening in this country?  Is it the parent's fault?  Is it the school's fault?  Is it the fault of the NRA and the legality of assault rifles?  Is it the fault of the makers of violent video games?  Is it the fault of the doctors and professionals in the field of mental illness?  Is it the fault of vaccines and the possibility of their relationship to autism?  Is it the fault of neighbors and friends not seeing the signs of trouble?  Is it the fault of the high divorce rate and the crumbling of marriage in the US?  Is it God's fault?  Is it the church's fault?

Taking personal responsibility has, for the most part, disappeared.

We want to blame the NRA for lobbying to keep guns available for legal purchase. 

We want to blame McDonalds for the rise in obesity in the US.  I don't know about you, but in order for me to eat McDonalds fries I have to go there and get them and then put them in my mouth and eat them.  Nobody has a gun to my head.

We want the government to take care of our birth control for us, so we don't have to worry about our sexual promiscuity.

We want government to take responsibility for the raising, education and feeding of our children.  

We want our health care paid by the government while we continue to overeat, under-exercise, smoke, drink and use recreational drugs.

We want to retire comfortably without saving money during our working years and preparing for the future.

We want to give the responsibility for all these things, and more, to an institution that has proven itself to be very bad at managing anything and especially bad at managing money.  Why oh why to we continue to look to the government to take care of us.  They have showed us who they are.  We need to stop begging for them to do a better job.  It can't be done.

Personal responsibility.  If you need to depend on someone to help you with a problem area in your life, look for a mentor.  You can find mentors in your life through older family members or friends, neighbors, spiritual leaders, community leaders, the networks of your friends and colleagues.  People like to be asked for help, but they don't want to do it for you.  Don't depend on these mentors to do your work for you.  Take personal responsibility for yourself.

We need to grow up in this country.  Life is hard, but we aren't in it alone.  God knew life would be hard, so he sent his son to reconcile us to him.  He gave us prayer, an opportunity to speak with him.  He gave us church, an opportunity to join with fellow believers for support and fellowship in this tough, tough life on Earth.  I pray for churches to be filled during this holiday season and for people to return to the roots of faith this country was built upon.  We don't need to look any further than the bathroom mirror to discover where change needs to begin.  Let's decide we want to do better for ourselves, not have more done for us. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

  
768.  Last day of work before my Christmas break
769.  Red velvet donuts from Dunkin Donuts
770.  New carpet day in the rental house renovation
771.  Enjoying the final couple weeks of my son living with me
772.  Reading books for pleasure
773.  Reading blogs for pleasure
774.  Watching movies in the morning
775.  Going to a 9:00 p.m. showing of Lincoln and knowing I don't have to get up for work in the morning
776.  Listening of off-key Christmas carol covers  :)
777.  Thinking about the peace of Christmastime and getting all my work done so I can enjoy it
778.  Organic lettuce and baby greens salads
779.  Vodka made from potatoes
780.  Advent services at church
781.  Thinking about hanging ornaments on the tree, but ok with knowing it may not happen
782.  Three hours of administrative leave on the last day of work in 2012

eat mor chikin

Wow, did your fb newsfeed, twitter account and blogroll BLOW UP over the Chick-fil-A story?  Evidently the owner of a privately held company is not allowed to have a personal belief and not allowed to have his personal belief affect the way he runs his privately owned company.  Huh?

We get it, Dan Cathy, president of Chick-fil-A, doesn't think gay marriage is biblical.  And he said so.  This is not illegal, nor a surprise.  Another non-surprise is that Cathy is a christian.  He even believes his employees ought not work on Sundays and in response, his stores are not open on Sundays.  Non-Surprise!

The gay-rights activists had a field day.  Gee, more stuff for them to complain about.  The liberal christians (almost all mainstream christian churches now-a-days) had a field day with this "news" story, as well.

Cathy didn't say he wouldn't serve gay people.  He didn't even say he wouldn't hire gay people.  And he REALLY didn't say he didn't like gay people.  He said he didn't believe that gay marriage was biblical.

For my two cents (and I'm sure it's not even worth that much) I agree with him.  I would never say I don't like gay people, but I will say I don't like their political agenda, I never have.  I don't like the way they've twisted the idea that gays cannot be christians.  This has never been the case.  It's always been about living in unrepentant sin and being in leadership in the church.  Now, if you want to make the issue that gay sex isn't sin (and they won't, 'cause nobody wants to talk about gay sex) then that is another story.

It's too bad we cannot focus on love outside of the context of sex.  Sex is optional.  Love is essential.  I believe we do not celebrate singleness and celibacy enough, especially in the church.  I think it's a shame the rate of divorce in marriage is the same for confessing christians as it is for those that do not confess Christ.  It is heart-breaking to listen to fellow christians bash each other, instead of support each other, when one's faith is being held up to ridicule. 

Even though I'm not a big chicken consumer, I'm going to be shopping at Chick-fil-A more often.

464.  Laid a friend to rest and I have confidence he is with Jesus
465.  Coverage of the olympic games  
466.  Slightly cooler weather
467.  A clean and organized freezer
468.  Peach and blueberry pie (I know, I said I'd make a cobbler, but it ended up being pie)
469.  Food bloggers and their delicious recipes
470.  More watermelon  

Thou shalt not steal, unless Jesus says it's OK

The parable of the shrewd manager from Luke 16:1-15 was the last of the small group bible study in this series of parables.  I've done a lot of bible studies and, I have to admit, I've never done a study on this parable.  To be even more honest, I don't think our group really understands what Jesus was getting at with this one, but we tried.

Jesus told his disciples:   “There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. So he called him in and asked him, ‘What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.’

The manager said to himself, ‘What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I’m not strong enough to dig, and I’m ashamed to beg– I know what I’ll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.’

So he called in each one of his master’s debtors. He asked the first, ‘How much do you owe my master?’

‘Eight hundred gallons of olive oil,’ he replied.

The manager told him, ‘Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred.’

Then he asked the second, ‘And how much do you owe?’

‘A thousand bushels of wheat,’ he replied.

He told him, ‘Take your bill and make it eight hundred.’

The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?

No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.”

The Pharisees, who loved money, heard all this and were sneering at Jesus. He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God’s sight.

This doesn't seem right, does it.  If I'm reading this correctly Jesus is telling his disciples it is ok to steal from your boss.  Yet, in the passage, the boss is commending the dishonest manager for his clever, albeit, unrighteous ways.  In fact, the boss says worldly people are more shrewd in dealing with other worldly people, than the people of the light.

What is Jesus trying to get across to his listeners (and us)?  I think Jesus is using reverse psychology on his listeners or, as my mother-in-law used to say, "You can learn as much from a bad example, as you can from a good example."  The shrewd manager has no desire to work and he has too much pride to beg.  What he does have going for him is his understanding of human nature.  He knows everyone loves a bargain.  Notice, the boss doesn't commend the shrewd manager for stealing from him.  No, the boss is commending the manager for the shrewdness he shows in knowing how to make his way in the world after being fired.  After all, the manager has already been fired.  Another thing that comes to mind is the quickness of the manager's mind.  Obviously, there wasn't a lot of time for the shrewd manager to think about what he was going to do to survive after losing his job.  He came up with this plan on the fly.  This is one smart cookie.

What does this story have to do with us (followers of Jesus)?  The first thing that came to my mind (because I'm still a bit self-centered) was how I steal from my boss and what Jesus must think of it.  Yes, I steal from my boss, too.  I've mentioned, here, that I write my blog while I'm at work.  Sometime that makes me feel as if I get paid for blogging.  In reality, this is stealing.  However, many times I blog about what I've learned in my bible study or about forgiveness or about gratitude and I have readers who are seekers of the truth regarding Jesus and the bible.  Which is the greater good (or lesser evil), stealing time (but still getting my work done) or sharing God's truth?  After all, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23.  Maybe you think I'm trying to justify my actions.  I'm not, I'm trying to understand the parable and put it in today's world.  Another thing that came to my mind while studying this passage was the quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes, "Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good."  Maybe Jesus is pointing our the shrewd manager's understanding of human nature and  the church's lack of willingness to try to understand the people, but focus only on the LAW.  Jesus was all about meeting people where they were.  One of his giant pet peeves was the hypocrisy of the Pharisees.  They weren't able to get on board with Jesus and his point of view.

In regard to the quickness of the shrewd manager's mind, I think, Jesus may be reminding his disciples that his time with them is short and they need to listen closely and learn quickly.  Or maybe, Jesus is telling us that our time on earth is short and we must make the most of the opportunities to share the good news with others while we still have a chance.

I'm probably not helping you understand this parable, so I'll remind you of its context.  This story of the shrewd manager is grouped with three other parables:  The first is the Parable of the Lost Sheep (Luke 15:3-7), the second is the Parable of the Lost Coin (Luke 15:8-10), and the third is the Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32).  The Parable of the Shrewd Manager comes last in this series.  In all these parables Jesus is talking about the value God places on people over things.  He knew the Pharisees were listening to him and looking to stop him from teaching.  His beef with the Pharisees was that they had lost their perspective and were more interested in the money and politics of their position and no longer focused on their relationship with the people and the people's relationship with their God.  He reminds the Pharisees (and us) in Luke 16:13, "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." 

I hope I didn't make this parable more confusing than it already is, although, I'm not sure that would be possible. 

346.  Hot weather is really here now
347.  Relaxing weekends and trying not to feel too guilty about not getting anything accomplished
348.  Willingness to part with the Lladro nativity set that I wanted so bad, but feels like "stuff"
349.  The desire God gives me to want to understand people so different from me
350.  Having God between me and my circumstances instead of having my circumstances between me and God

Churches don't say "I'm sorry"

A year ago, almost to the day, I wrote about forgiveness and the church ladies, here.  It felt so good to let that stuff go and be free of those unhappy feelings.  You would think that I would have moved past the hurts I felt from those ladies by now.  You would think I would have moved past the hurts I felt from the church those ladies came from.  You would think I would have moved past the hurts I felt from the church I left before the church ladies' church and now have returned to attend.  Yeah, you heard me right.  We are attending a church we previously left.

My family and I attended a church in our community for eight years.  We were pretty active members and the church didn't have any issues we couldn't live with.  Then, suddenly, the youth group we worked so hard to get up and running and active, folded.  To make a long story short, it folded because the leadership in the church believed that a youth ski-trip weekend was about skiing.  Seriously.  The snow wasn't good this particular weekend, so the leadership in the church believed canceling the weekend was the right decision to make.  They TOTALLY didn't get that church youth group weekends are about the relationships with young christians and introducing them to a relationship with Jesus.  They thought it was about skiing.  This was the last straw for the volunteer youth director and he felt he had to leave this particular church.  My husband and I and a couple other parents approached the leadership and were told, pretty much, the same thing the youth director was told.  We decided to leave this church.  We joined a church with an active youth group.  Active youth groups don't spring up overnight, but they do fail overnight.  Our son was 11 years old.  Our hope was for him to be involved in a church youth group.  The church was not sorry to see us go.  At least, they never told us they were sorry.

I've mentioned in this blog that I am a big believer in attending church.  We looked around the area and found another church.  We looked for a church with an active youth group.  We joined the church ladies' church and were VERY active in the youth group.  We stayed in the church for eight years.  Since we joined this church because of the youth group and for no other reason (other than they were christians and preached the truth).  My husband and I found ourselves becoming unhappy with the direction the church was taking (multicampusmegachurch) and unhappy with the philosophy of social justice that was being put forward and unhappy with the leadership (we couldn't stomach a preacher crying in the pulpit on Sunday).  It was time to move on.  I stayed with my church ladies' bible study, but that didn't work out very well for me.  (evidently, they like the crying)  The church was not sorry to see us go.  At least, they never told us they were sorry.

Churches don't say "I'm sorry."  I know there is no way to make all the people happy all the time.  I know it is not the job of a church to make anyone happy.  I know stuff happens.  Here's the thing.  My family didn't move out of the community.  We continued to see people we knew from these churches in the community.  No one ever asked us about leaving their church.  Nothing was said.  It was as if the eight-year relationship we had at each church meant nothing.  I think church people take the "no talking about religion in pleasant company" edict VERY seriously when they are outside the walls of the church.  But, it's really not the church people I want to talk about.  I want to talk about the leadership.  I mean, I know there are a couple hundred or more people in the church, but SOMEONE must have noticed we weren't there anymore.  Someone must have noticed our check had stopped coming.  And, at the first church, we told them we would be leaving.

*crickets*

Churches just don't say "I'm sorry."  Maybe this is why people leave church and don't go back.  Maybe this is why it still hurts, a little bit, when I think about the church ladies and ministers and other church leaders.  I know my mom made me say "I'm sorry" when I hurt any of my brothers' feelings (or bodies).  It's one of the things we learn when we are little; if you hurt someone, whether you meant to or not, you say "I'm sorry."  Do you hear this churches?  Maybe an "I'm sorry" once in a while would go a long way to help Jesus's public relations problems.

71.  Husband taking me out to lunch
72.  Good manners
73.  Photoshop
74.  Co-workers that know Photoshop better than I do
75.  Ginger tea
76.  Ice cold water in the drinking fountain
77.  People who pray for you

Entitlement for you, entitlement for you and entitlement for you!

This kinda sounds like Oprah sounded when she gave away the cars.  Doesn't it?  Entitlements for EVERYBODY.  Well, not everybody, but almost.  Today in the United States of America 52% of households are receiving some form of entitlement.  This is more than at ANY other time in US history.  We are becoming a nation of people with our hands out.  More than 45% of US households will not pay federal income tax this year.  What is happening to our nation?  Why do people want a hand out?  Why do people think they DESERVE a handout?  I remember when a president of this nation gave an inaugural address which included these famous words, " And so, my fellow Americans:  ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country."  I remember watching people whining about the government in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  Where was their government entitlement?  How was the government going to help them?  When were they going to get their MONEY?  (btw, the money they were going to get wasn't theirs, it was yours.) 

I think the government has proven it is lousy at helping people out.  The government doesn't have the first idea how to improve people's lives.  The government doesn't have the first idea how to raise a child.  The government doesn't have the first idea how to support a family.  However, the government does know the first thing about getting between churches and the needy.  The ACLU doesn't sit well with spirit based institutions giving aid and the government is scared silly of the ACLU.

Last night I went to church for Ash Wednesday.  The sermon was titled, "What's in it for me?"  The minister spoke about this time of Lent being a time of preparation for Easter.  Not preparation Easter dinner or Easter visitors or a new Easter dress, but a time for preparation to focus on the benefits we receive because of the sacrifices made for us.  He spoke about entitlements and the changing face of our nation to those begging, "where's mine."  He said our nation is sounding more and more like a toddler.  See if any of these toddler rules of possession sound familiar.

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

I think I've heard sound bites on the news by adults saying these words, almost verbatim.

There is a family living in a house I own.  And by living, I mean existing.  I just paid the water bill for them because the water has been shut off for three months.  Seriously, no water.  The house stinks because they still use the toilets, but there is no water.  The biggest earner in the family, and by family I mean baby, baby daddy, uncle of baby and grandma of baby, is the baby.  The baby is getting all the entitlements to allow this group of people to pay the rent, fuel oil and electric.  Too bad the baby couldn't earn a little more and pay the water bill.  Bad baby.  This collection of sorry adults do not have a job between them.  What is this world coming to when two able bodied men won't work and choose to live off a baby.  It is unbelievable to me.

So, what's in it for me?  I'm continuing to focus on the sacrifice of my savior this Lenten season.  I pray our nation will get a clue.  All they have to do is turn on the tv and see what is happening in Greece.  I know my post sounds like a frustrated rant today, and it is.  I'm so tired of reading tweets of people complaining about having no money, then running out to get a tattoo with their income tax refund check.  They act as if they just received "found money."  Are they so dense they do not realize they just gave the government an interest free loan with THEIR money?  I guess they are.  Oh well, enjoy that purple butterfly tattoo.  You'll have it forever.

Gratitudes:
9.  my job
10.  my house, all fixed after Hurricane Irene
11.  a minister not afraid to speak the truth.  (even if there were democrats in the room)
12.  a beautiful sunny warm day in February

Lent is here

The season of Lent has arrived.  In the christian faith, this is the time of preparation for the sacrifice of Jesus for our sins.  It is a time of giving up a luxury to feel the sting of sacrifice as a tiny nod to feeling the sacrifice that was made for me.  I suck at Lent.  I was raised dutch reformed and Lent was not a big deal in this particular church.  It was nothing like the way Lent was acknowledged in the Catholic church.  We ate meat at every meal.  We didn't fast on Ash Wednesday.  Business as usual.

Last year I made an attempt at participating in an experiment at doing yoga for 40 days.  Epic fail.  However, I did discover I'm not a big fan of yoga.  I'll do some sun salutations now and then, but every day for 40 days.  No way.  Uh uh.  You may remember I wrote about celebrating Advent this past Christmastime.  Another epic fail.  Yeah, I didn't even tell you.  I just kinda blew it off.  Sure, I was psyched about it for about two weeks, but then it fell off the radar.  Here we are, it's Lent again.  I remember my old friend, Joybird, did a Lenten project she called Late to Lent.  She chose to blog her Lenten experience for each day of the season.  I was impressed by her work and her diligence to stick to the project.  Then I heard of another person who chose to grow her hair for Lent.  Seriously?  I'm trying to imagine how this helped her relate to the sacrifice of Christ.  I guess it takes all kinds to make a world.

My plan for this Lenten season is to spend an hour with God each day of this season.  Yeah, I get I'm supposed to be doing this anyway, but I don't.  I'm hoping to spend this time with him while walking in his creation and reading his word.  I intend to attend church on every Sunday of Lent.  Yeah, I get I'm supposed to be doing this anyway, but I don't.  I'm going to sit in church and think positive thoughts and, hopefully, start praying for each person I see in the sanctuary.  I'm even going to pray for the guy I notice falls asleep EVERY time I see him in church.  No judging, just praying.  I guess I'm giving up my chilling time on the couch and, most likely, a glass of wine or two.  'Cause that's what I do while chilling on the couch.  I consider these luxuries.  I think I'm really going to look forward to Easter this year.

So now I've written my intentions on the world wide web.  I know some of you readers know where I live.  I know some of you have my phone number.  Please feel free to hold me accountable.  I'm seeking to grow.  Who knows, I may even start enjoying church again.  Fingers crossed.

I almost forgot.  I'm going to restart my gratitudes on my blog posts.  Evidently my Gratitude List page had a finite amount of lines and the earlier gratitudes dropped off the page.  Stuff happens, but I'm still grateful.

I'm grateful for
1.  my savior
2.  my faith that Jesus is risen from the dead and will come again to Earth
3.  a small group of believers encouraging me every Monday night
4.  the word of God, readily available in ANY form of media you can think of
5.  my healthy body
6.  my clear mind
7.  the opportunity to share my faith with anyone reading my words
8.  a God of second chances 

I met God at church

It's Sunday morning and I tell my husband, "today we will go to church."  I have clean pants to wear and I'm not exhausted and we are in town, my excuses are non-existent.  I'm sure I could make one up, like, I have a headache, but I don't.  I heed the pricking of my conscience.  My DNA is calling me to a house of worship.  I say to my husband, "let's go to church."  So we go.

This Sunday morning brings two opportunities to me.  I ask myself, "shall I turn and leave these behind or shall I take the risk?"  The first opportunity is to listen to the older gentleman beginning the sermon with his corny joke of a boy and and man in a car.  (substitute redneck for boy and rich man for man.  please enjoy.)  I decide to listen to what this man of God has to say, instead of playing Angry Birds on my phone.  He talks of how there are men and women of God in the Bible, and we don't know their names.  There are people touching our lives and making a difference, and we don't know their names.  It's not ME making the difference in someone's life, however large or small, it is God through me.  I have to allow God to do the work through me.  I have to get over my name.  I have to get over me.  It's not me.  It's God.

The second opportunity brought before me came in the form of an old friend.  Cathy was my first friend when moving to this county and finding this church.  Many years ago.  She was an experienced mom.  She was gregarious.  She hosted a Bible study in her home and invited me to come.  She helped me to feel "at home" in this county that was so different (read rural) than ANYWHERE I had ever lived.  She helped it seem like a place on earth instead of outer-space.  I saw her.  I had read she was still hosting a small group (read Bible study) in her home.  I wanted to ask her if I could come to it.  I was afraid to ask.  At first it didn't appear the opportunity would present itself.  We talked of all things hurricane and broken houses and children grown up and time was slipping away.  The talk was going on too long.  I was afraid to ask in front of strangers.  But then it happened... the moment when I caught her eye.  And I asked her to come aside.  She said, "of course you can come."  There was enthusiasm in her voice.  But, she said, "It's mostly men.  You and I may be the only women there.  Would this be ok with you?"  I smiled.  I saw an opportunity to be away from the "church ladies" and maybe this was just what I needed.

I have already attended one gathering.  I loved it. 

Fingers crossed

I am so hopeful just now.  I have those little flutters of butterfly wings in my tummy.  I have the excited feeling one gets when they think they may have met, "the one."  What or who, may you ask, has aroused these feelings inside of me?  I'll tell you.  It's Jesus.  And, even more to the point, a small group of people who love Jesus.

It has been a long long long time since I've been in a small group loving Jesus and desiring to know him better and to follow his teachings.  It's been a long long long time since I've been with a group of people believing the Bible is the inerrant and inspired word of the living God and not just a book we get to choose the parts we like and leave what we don't like.  Then accuse me of being intolerant if I don't agree with them.

It's been a long time since I prayed with another believer.  I've been praying on my own.  I bow my head and close my eyes and send my thoughts, my fears, my wants, my sins... heavenward.  It's been a long time since I've agreed in prayer with another believer.  Agreed, ...out loud, ...side by side.  (we didn't hold hands, but I'll bet we will one day)  This was an experience I hadn't realized I had been missing so much.  Oh, God is good and he will always leave a remnant.  Even here on the mid-Atlantic coast.  :)

I'm not sure the small group of believers allowing me to join them felt the same flutterings I was feelings, but they smiled at me.  They engaged with me.  And, there was not one sign of jaw dropping at any of my comments or contributions.  One guy asked me why I believe what I believe, but they weren't appalled or shocked and horrified by my beliefs.  We will see how the relationship grows.  The one fellow who, self admittedly, said he thought he had been tough on me, asked me if I planned to return next Monday.  I said I would and he said he was glad.  This gives me hope.  I hope I have found a group of believers willing to join Jesus in wooing me back to his side.  It's what I hope for.  It's what I asked for.

An interesting thing about this group of believers.  It is mostly made up of men.  There were five men and one woman.  She was SUPER happy to see me.  I wonder what this says about me?  I hope it doesn't mean I'm weird or anything.  I hope it doesn't mean I don't play nice with other women, 'cause I don't think this is true about me.  We will see.  I have hope.  Btw, there has been one prayer I've been praying for a very long time.  The prayer is this; "Please God, please send a godly man to walk alongside my son.  Please send an encourager to my son.  We are his parents, but I would love to have another man of God come to my son's side and be an example to him." 

I'm just wondering, is this God's answer to my prayer?  Fingers crossed.

What is church?

I went to church yesterday.  My husband asked me to go to church and I said I would.  I've been thinking about why going to church is so hard for me.  Why?  What in the world do I have against church?  Do I have anything against church?  Or is it me with the problem regarding church?

What is church?

This seems like a easy question.  The kind of question one might answer in an simple sentence or two. "A church is a building in which Christians meet for worship," is one. "A church is a group of Christians who gather for religious purposes" is another.  Not so fast...

Church used to fit this description for me when I was younger.  It even fit this description when my son was younger.  Not so much, now.

First of all, the "group of Christians" portion of the definition is becoming blurrier.  Christians are believers in Christ, right?  You would think this is pretty self-explanatory.  However, I'm finding most mainstream churches are becoming places trying to change that kind of belief.  Just believing in Christ and the Grace given to us through Christ's coming to us as a man and living a sinless life and dying on the cross for our sins and raising from the dead and ascending to heaven, is pretty limiting.  If this is the only way to God and this is the only thing Christians are allowed to believe, well, that's pretty intolerant of other beliefs.  And, intolerance is not very loving, right?  And Christians are all about love, so... we should be tolerant of all other beliefs.  REALLY?

I know not all churches believe this, but I'm out here in the mid-Atlantic coast.  I'm in one of the MOST liberal areas you can imagine.  No, the Bible belt does not pass through this area.

Almost every church I've attended, in my area, has a yoga class in it's list of weekly activities.  I've taken yoga.  I know I don't have to buy into the spirituality of it.  But why is it in the Christian church?  Why?  Why muddy the spirituality of a Christian church with yoga?  I'm guessing,... to be inclusive.  To be tolerant of other beliefs.

Yesterday the minister (pastor, reverend, whatever you want to call him) was preaching on original sin and why we have trouble in the world today.  He said last week's sermon was on creation, and "whatever you believe about creation..." and continued on with the sermon.  I guess I'm glad I wasn't there last week to hear that "whatever I want to believe" will be ok.  It just didn't sound right, "whatever I want to believe."  I've always been under the impression that the Word of God was infallible and if I believed what it said, I'd be on the right track.

What I am finding, in churches, is more like the above, than not.  Whatever I want to believe is ok with them.

Back to the definition of church, a group of Christians...  maybe not.

I know I've complained about church ladies in this blog before.  This is another thing making it hard to go to Church.  Church ladies.  I'm a little afraid of church ladies.  These are the ladies that teach the Bible studies and "pray for you" when I would really like a little "hands on" help.  These are the same ladies that remind me, "we don't do it that way" when I offer to help.  These are the same ladies encouraging me to be transparent and share my deepest faults and fears and then talk about me behind my back.  I'm afraid of church ladies.

I read a blog from another Church lay leader from a church I used to attend.  He wrote about forgiving people, but still being mad at them.  He thought this is something he should get over, but he just couldn't do it.  He wrote about a minister, he felt, stealing members of his "praise band" from him.  So here is this guy, sitting in this minister's church, hating on him.  He writes about listen to the music, and he says it's good,  it's good because this minister guy stole all the talent from his church.  Really?  Churches steal people?  I'm not feeling the love here.
 
So, I went to church yesterday.  The minister preached out of the Bible.  It was ok.  The church ladies sang in front of the people and it was ok.  They prayed for me (all of us sitting in the audience) and it was ok.  I know going to Church is not dangerous.  The Church is full of broken people, seeking God.  Right?  That's what they tell me, anyway.  Sometimes I find it a little hard to believe.

Good stuff on the 'net. Who knew?

I've been inspired this morning.  Well, some of the inspiration came this morning, some of it came over the weekend.  Anyway, I found a couple blogs that just gave me that "Ah Ha" moment.  And I really needed that moment.
 
I don't know how I stumbled upon Lorrie's blog, but I'm so glad I did.  She was just about to start a challenge to eat when hungry and stop when full.  I know, all you skinny girls out there do this naturally.  Well, some of us don't.  And it shows.  So, I decided to leave the comment "I'm in."  And, she called me on it.  So, I'm in.  I'm doing the challenge.  I know portion control is one of the keys to weight loss and know when I'm beginning to feel full, contrary to wanting to stop eating, has been an issue for me.  So I'll use portion control along with stopping and starting my eating with the hungry and full urge. 

Thanks Lorrie.  I'm looking forward to the accountability and encouragement.

Another blog I read is Matt's blog.  I've been reading Matt for a while, but... sometimes I just don't get Matt.  Maybe it's the age thing, I don't know.  Anyway, I still glance at his blog once in a while and see what he is up to.  TODAY was gold.  Matt's post, Homelessness is Next to Godliness, was just what I needed.  I've been struggling with the attitude of a growing number of younger adult christians.  I especially noticed them in the church I recently left.  And, one of them was in the hurtful women's bible study.  I couldn't put my finger on what it was that was bothering me.  I couldn't stand hearing them call themselves "poor" and begging for money.  I mean, I could articulate what I bothered about them, but I couldn't find a "name" for them.  Matt coined the phrase, "Recreational Poverty."  He defines this term this way.

"The difference between these people and real poor people is that they are able bodied, capable of working.  They just choose not to.  They have chosen a life that may be free of idolatrous “things,” but they are also free of responsibility.  No one is counting on them.  They contribute little of value to communities."

Thanks Matt.  I can't tell you how naming it helps me so much.

Please take a moment to look at each of these blogs.  If you like either of them, tell them I sent you.  :)

Easter is coming

It is Good Friday.  The day I remember my Lord willingly went to the cross for my sins.  It's funny, to me, how the day is always overcast in my memories.  I always remember Good Fridays as rainy or threatening rain or dark clouds.  I don't know if it is truth, but it is my memory.  Today is a cloudy day.  I sit and reflect on this Lenten season and look at where I am in the love of my Lord.  I find myself square in the middle of His love.  And it is not my doing.  None of it.  In fact, if I were to rely on myself to be loved by Jesus, He wouldn't have me.  Right now, I'm not in love with His church.  I've returned to a church I went to when we first moved to this area.  It is a lovely church.  The minister is a Godly man, preaching the Word of God with as much candor as he can and keep people coming back.  It's ok with me.  I know the Truth of the Word of God is difficult.  It is exclusive and NOT tolerant.  I know it is hard to hear and convicting.  I like that about it.  I was raised a Dutch Calvinist and I know we are considered the "hardliners" of the christian denominations.  I was taught the basic beliefs and tenants of the faith when I was a tiny child.  And, my character type is such that I am VERY HAPPY when given a set of rules to adhere to .  And, I'm a traditionalist.  So, the church has been a tough place for me lately, but I'm working on it.  Anyway, I'm glad I'm going to this church.  And, I'm glad I found a church to attend BEFORE Easter.  I don't know why this feels so good to me, but it does.
 
I love going to church on Easter.  I think my favorite service of the whole year is an Easter Sunrise Service.  I've been to them many different places.  I've been to sunrise services on more beaches than I can think of.  I've been to a sunrise service on Diamond Head in Hawaii, I've been to a sunrise service in a volcano, I've been to sunrise services on boats, and I've been to many in lovely parks with mountains in the background.  There is nothing as beautiful, to me, as an Easter Sunrise Service.  I'm not going to one this year.  This church doesn't do sunrise service.  I'll be ok with that, but I'll miss it.  This year I'm focusing on being in the center of Christ's love, even though I've broken ALL the rules.  I've been mad at His church.  I've been unforgiving to His believers.  I've broken all His commands.  I've resented spending time in prayer.  And, I have chosen NOT to spend time in His Word.  I've learned a lot about love during this Lenten season.  I've shared my feelings about these things with my parents.  My parents, the teachers of all I know about the love of God.  The teachers of the faith.  The most faithful, believing people I know.  And, they were sad, of course, but they still love me.  They love me in my doubt.  They love me in my anger.  They love me in my rule breaking.

They show me how much God loves me.

I'm looking forward to being in church this Easter.  Being with other rule breakers, doubters and maybe even some haters.  We will all be there.  Smack in the center of the Love of Christ.  Even though we don't deserve it.  We believe.  We have faith.  Hallelujah, He is Risen.

Relationships - work, church, clubs and the neighborhood

I'm still contemplating relationships in my life.  Today I'm thinking about relationships on a much more transient level.  These relationships include co-workers, neighbors, church friends, relationships formed by being in clubs together, and social networking.

This is such a surprising revelation for me, but, from experience, I know it's true.  These relationships are completely transient.  Now, I know that there is the occasional real friendship that can be formed in these relationships, but usually not.

I've had the experience of having a job for many years.  I've been close with co-workers.  I've shared personal situations.  I've spent a sizable portion of my life with these people.  However, when the time comes that I'm no longer working there or even when I go home in the evening, I'm done with them.  I've had the experience of being the only person at the hospital when one of my co-workers was having emergency surgery and bringing him or her meals and running errands for her, but I know when I am no longer working with him, we are done.  We most likely will not keep in touch.  Now this doesn't mean that I don't like these people.  It just means that our relationship is not a close, long lasting relationship.

I think the most surprising area that I have found this to be true is church.  I have had the experience of leaving a church and going to a different church without moving out of the area.  Even though I still lived in the same neighborhood with church "friends", they were done with me.  No calls, no lunches, nothing.  These were women and men that had shared VERY INTIMATE information.  These were women and men that were instrumental in supporting me during difficult times in my marriage .  These were men and women I have shared personal shortcomings I have only otherwise shared with God.  These are men and women, I thought, were brothers and sisters in Christ.  Brothers and sisters.  Family.

The folks I've met as neighbors, in clubs, and "friends" on facebook are certainly transient.  It's fun to have friendships with these people while we are living near each other or in the club, but, again, these are not necessarily long lasting relationships.

As I look back over what I've written about this level of relationship I see how I have contributed to the demise of these friendships.  I'm a more introverted person.  It is difficult for me to be outgoing or to initiate friendships.  I need to examine how this is working for me.  I don't see how I can bemoan my lack of close girlfriends and not be a person willing to put myself out there.

Church

I'm going to open up with an area of my life that has really been keeping me from Being Happy.  Church. 

I was raised in the Church.  I was baptized when I was an infant in a Dutch Reformed church that became a Reformed Church of America church.  Long story short, this is a church that follows the theological system of John Calvin.  Now, I had no choice in this portion of my life and education.  I followed what my parents believed and believed it myself.  Of course, I grew up and made my own choices and learned about different belief systems and other Christian denominations.  This wasn't an easy time for me.  This is often a time when kids stop believing what their parents tried to teach them.  College and my desire to rebel against EVERYTHING my parents believed was my GOAL.  Then I decided to grow up a little bit and make a well thought-out decision.  There are portions of Christianity that are harsh.  The road to God in the Christian belief system is very narrow.  It's Jesus or nothing.  Other religions are equally harsh in denying paradise until enough boxes are checked.  I made a decision for Jesus.

Again, long story short, I'm a follower of Jesus.  As far-fetched as portions of the story of redemption through Jesus is, it is the most plausible to me.  I believe that is because the Holy Spirit has revealed this truth to me.  I have loved studying the bible and learning about God's love for me through the stories in the bible.  I have loved church and the fellowship with other believers and support I got there.  Now, church has become a hard place for me to go.

Why, you may ask, has it become hard for me to go to church?

There are a couple reasons.  You have the super-duper condensed history of why I go to church.  Here's my struggle.  We moved to our home here in Maryland and found a church we liked alot.  We joined it and attended regularly and were very active in the events the church had.  We, my husband and son, were happy with the vision and direction of this particular church.  I was active in Sunday school and bible study and vacation bible school.  I was an active mom.  When my son came of an age for a high school youth group, this church let the youth group leader go and had no desire to hire anyone new.  Our family felt we had to leave this church and find another church WITH an active youth group for our son.  We just thought this was important.  In hindsight this was a very good decision.  This particular church had a difficult time making the decision for a full-time youth program and more than four years would have past before they had a youth program going strong.  You know, sometimes you just can't be part of the solution.  Sometimes you have to do what you need to do for your family.  Anyway, in the small town we live in, leaving a church caused some hard feelings.  I really never understood this, but I was hurt by some of the "church ladies". 

We started going to a church with an active youth group at this time.  This church was a church that followed the theological system of John Wesley.  This was a challenge for me, but my husband and son were happy.  My son liked the youth group and Sunday school and my husband was good with the service and most of the people there.  I made a strong attempt to become involved.  I helped with the youth group.  I sang in the praise band.  I tried.  I never really felt "at home", but I made an effort.  There was a strong push for social justice that I was never all that comfortable with.  When our son graduated from high school and became his own person, my husband and I felt we could look for a church that lined up with what we believed.  We started looking for a new church.  This time when we left the church I continued my involvement in a bible study with some of the "church ladies" from this church.  I thought it would be ok.

I was wrong.  As I continued in the bible study it was obvious my belief in the protestant work ethic and the idea of helping the "truly needy" and not social justice for all made me different from these women.  Also, I learned a lot about social networking and commenting on blogs.  One of the women in the bible study has a blog.  She would post things I thought were contrary to what we were studying and what, I thought, were contrary to what Jesus would want us to do.  I commented.  I thought we would be able to talk about these disagreements.  I was wrong.  She wouldn't talk to me.  She avoided talking TO me, but talked ABOUT me to anyone who would listen.  ouch.  One woman in the study decided to take the horns of this disagreement into her own hands by forcing the blogger to talk with me.  There was to be a meeting.  I agreed to join this meeting.  I'm happy to clear the air.  I wanted to have a conversation and remind her that we are both daughters of the King.  We can disagree and still be believers. 

This was not to be.  The blogger cried and cried and cried and cried.  She was never able to articulate her feelings or beliefs or issues.  Just tears and sobs.  This made me feel very uncomfortable.  I've mentioned that I am not much of a "feeler".  Anyway, crying gains sympathy and stoicism does not.  I didn't feel I could be part of this group anymore.

Why is it hard for me to go to church?  I'm afraid to get involved with anymore of these kind of people.  I don't want to be judged.  I'm afraid.

Good news!  I went to a church today.  I'm going to take it slowly.  I'll sit in the back.  I'll keep to myself.  I'm going to take this very slowly.  I'm scared.  If you are the praying type, please pray for me.  I want to be part of the body of Christ again.