Tuesday, March 26, 2013

My solitude

I've been enjoying time on my own.  I've been enjoying my time and I've been feeling guilty about it at the same time.  I'm trying so hard not to allow those feelings of guilt about being on my own spoil the enjoyment of being quiet.

I'm on vacation.  I'm on vacation with my husband and my husband's good friend and former college roommate.  We are in Lake Tahoe.  The weather is gorgeous.  Spring has found Lake Tahoe, much to the dismay of the skiers.  It's been sunny every day and the temps are hanging around the 50's all day long.  My husband and his pal are still going skiing every day, even though the conditions are marginal.  This leaves me with time on my own, every day.  This is where I become torn.

I love having time on my own.  I love having hours of sitting in complete silence.  I love having time to read.  I love having time to go for a stroll to the lake and enjoying the sounds of the birds and the waves lapping on the beach.  Peace and quiet is so restorative to me.

When my husband returns from the slopes the first thing he asks me is, "whatcha do today?"  I always feel guilty when I answer, "nuthin'."  I guess I could say that I read part of my book or I took a short walk or I took a hot bath or I watched some of the Jodi Arias murder trial, but when I think about those things I don't think of any of them as accomplishments or under the category of "doing something."  I struggle.

I've been contemplating the last blog post I wrote and considering my thought process.  I have come very far in changing the negative thinking about myself.  I realize I am much too critical of myself.  I'm making strong efforts at focusing on the positive and strong aspects of myself.  I'm accepting my flaws.  I'm trying so hard to accept my body, as it is.  I read a post from Emily about writing a love letter to my body.  I debated with myself about writing such a letter.  I'm not ready, yet, but I'm working on it.

I watched a t.v. show called What Not to Wear.  There was a woman with a shape similar to mine on the show.  I noticed that her ankles were thinner than mine.  Of all the things to notice on this show... the woman's ankles.  I have a long way to go, but I'm trying.  I'm sitting here, drinking tea and munching on triple ginger snaps.  I have a long way to go, but I'll get there.

Another thing I noticed while contemplating the way I think, was that I considered being in the middle of a book a non-accomplishment and finishing a book the accomplishment.   For some reason I have this idea that the accomplishment is in the completion of the task and not in the enjoyment of the task.  I struggle to find my joy in the midst of the event.

So today I'll enjoy my solitude.  I'll enjoy my time watching a movie about a Russian love and tragedy, Anna Karenina.  I'll enjoy my book about a Swedish girl struggling with her life and love and solving mysteries in The Girl Who Played With Fire.  I'll drink tea and nibble on ginger snaps and write my blog.  I'll take a hot bath.  I'll enjoy the peace and quiet and beautiful scenery.

Today I'll learn to accept that I'm on vacation and I don't need to "accomplish" anything.  I can rest and relax.  I can be good with this, for today. 

Lake Tahoe (I took this pic)
226.  Movies in Redbox
227.  Hot tea
228.  Snow on mountaintops
229.  Clear blue sky
230.  Readers who think of messaging me when I don't write for a few days
231.  Breathing the thin air at high altitude
232.  The scent of pine in the air
233.  A comfortable condominium to vacation at
234.  Time away from my work and my home and the everyday stresses of life


6 comments:

  1. Sounds heavenly! I have missed your posts...

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  2. Heavenly is the perfect word for it. My husband is skiing at the ski resort named Heavenly just about every day.

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  3. sounds like you are having some fun...and keep working on it...write that letter to yourself...you dont have to share it with anyone other than yourself...glad you are getting good weather...enjoy.

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  4. Elizabeth StewartMarch 27, 2013 at 1:15 AM

    I wondered where you were, not seeing you here in a while. Tahoe is so beautiful! Enjoy your down time, and do. not. feel. guilty.!

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  5. That water just sparkles. I think solitude is wonderful and the peace that goes with it.

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  6. I totally get this. I feel like I should be doing something at every moment. I have a terrible time with just allowing myself to do nothing.

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