A Dozen Habits for a Happy Relationship

I found this little gem (12 Habits of a Happy relationship) on the internets (I know there is only one.  I was just trying to be funny.) the other day.  These were little reminders of what can make a happy relationship and they were attached to some gorgeous pics.  I thought I'd share them along with some of the things I've learned along the way of my almost (tomorrow!) 31 years of marriage.
 

#12 Settle disputes peacefully 
Speak nicely to each other.  I know when emotions are running high, usually in frustration, voices can become raised in anger.  That a tough enough thing to deal with.  What can make it worse is name calling (usually body part or animal names).  Try super hard not to do that.  If you don't like being yelled at or called names, most likely your spouse doesn't like it either.  And if children are present, it can be even worse.  Breathe before you speak.  Breathe deeply and slowly.  It'll be worth it.

#11 Spend quality time together  
Make time to be with each other.  Find time to date each other every week.  This doesn't have to be a "going out" date (but that would be nice).  Carve out time each week to check in with each other and find out how your spouse is doing.  If you get a response that is short and terse, you aren't spending enough quality time together. 

#10 Appreciate and Help each other Grow
Be your spouse's biggest encourager.  The world is far to eager to tell each of us that we aren't good enough or we will fail.  Be your spouse's cheerleader in whatever they are doing to improve themselves.  I know whenever I go on another diet I appreciate my spouse's words of encouragement much more than if he would say, "Oh, ANOTHER diet."  Nobody knows my failures better than I do.  I don't need to hear about them from my honey. 

#9 Live with Integrity
Tell each other the truth.  Lies are so damaging and trust is so hard to rebuild.  Be respectful.  Be kind.  Be that person that can be counted on.  Don't let your spouse down, if at all possible. 

#8 Be Loyal and Devoted 
Be faithful.  Be faithful when you are together and when you are apart.  Honor your committment to each other.  My husband and I were separated so much in our marriage.  There is nothing attractive about jealousy.  The love I felt from my husband by his faithfulness was the love that sustained me while I was on my own. 

#7 Love and Respect each Other as Individuals
You are responsible for your own happiness.  Nobody can make you happy.  If I have learned nothing else by writing this blog, it is that I am as happy as I decide to be.  I have learned that my happiness never comes at the expense of someone else.  If I hurt someone in order to pursue my happiness, I'm actually being selfish and I will not be happy.

#6 Lend Support during the Good Times and Bad
There will be Better and there will be Worse.  I've learned two things that have helped me to understand and to be there for my spouse in both of these situations.  What I learned was this; bad times don't last and good times don't last, either. 

#5 Understand: Every Relationship is Different
Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors.  Also, everybody lies.  I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but they do.  There is nothing wrong with picking up good ideas from marriages you admire, but don't compare your marriage to another couple's marriage.  Appreciate your marriage and make it the best it can be. 

#4 An Emphasis on Communication and Listening
Unspoken expectations are disasters waiting to happen.  Don't expect your spouse to be a mind reader.  Ask for what you want.  And remember, just because you ask doesn't mean you will get what you want, but you have a much better chance than if you say nothing at all.  So often we think our "soul mates" should just know what to do for us.  That is disappointment waiting to happen.

#3 Turn Negatives into Positives
Be a team.  There are going to be problems that arise almost every day.  Work together to turn those difficulties into successes.  The bible say that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  If you believe you can persevere, you can turn things around.

#2 Work on Thoughtfulness Every Day
Take time each day to put your spouse first.  Take time each day to say to yourself, what can I do to make my love happy?  Being thoughtful can be a learned activity.  It is so easy to be self-involved.  Making the effort to put someone else first is an act of love. 

#1 Realistic Expectations
Marriage is real life.  There are going to be good days and bad days.  There are going to be days when you don't feel the passion.  There are going to be days you do!  When my husband and I married we had one expectation for each other and that was that we didn't ever want to be divorced.  My husband came from divorce and I came from a long marriage.  Together we took the realities and ideals we had about what marriage could be and made them our marriage.  We made it our real life.

351.  My husband
352.  My son
353.  My marriage
354.  My relationship with God
355.  My savior, Jesus Christ
356.  My access to God's word
357.  My opportunity to communicate to God through prayer
358.  My husband's faith in God and me when my faith in God and me gets shakey
359.  The gift of enough tenderness of heart to have gratitude for all the blessings I've been given
360.  The desire to know God better

I was created to be in community

And you were, too.

Hebrews 10:24-25 says, "And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

And Proverbs 27:17 says, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

I think most people think these verses mean we should go to church, because that's where all the christians are on Sunday morning.  I think these verses mean much more than "go to church."

Yesterday I wrote a bit about feeling a little lonely because my husband and I have been spending so much time apart.  This feeling came on me during my winter break from work.  I had been off work for a week and a half.  I learned that I need to be around people a bit more often than two or three times a month.  I need to be in community.  Now I'm back at work and the phone is ringing and the co-workers are asking for stuff and my boss is talking to me.  My conversation tank got filled up in a day and a half.  I'm ready for the quiet again.

I don't know how things are world-wide, but I know here in America we have a tendency to isolate.  We are a nation born in a system of rugged individualism.  After WWII we, as a nation, believed in pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps.  This attitude of personal independence can lead to isolation.  We can isolate ourselves into a feeling of loneliness.  Even people with busy lives and even with computers and all the social networking we've got going on, loneliness, by not having a true connection with other people, can result.  Some people fill this loneliness with "STUFF."  People with overspend and over collect and maybe even become hoarders while attempting to feel better about themselves.

God created us to live in community.  Remember back in Genesis when there was Adam and all the animals.  Well, Adam wasn't alone, was he?  No, he had all the animals around him.  Yet, he wasn't in community with another human being.  We were created to be in community.

It is great if one can find themselves plopped down smack in the midst of a loving group of people.  Most of us call that group we find ourselves born into, a family.  Unfortunately, that doesn't happen for everyone.  And, lately, more than half of the families in America find themselves broken and pieced together in some form or another, or maybe not at all.  The government wants schools to take over the roll of community that the broken American family has seemed to have dropped the ball in doing.  But, we all know the government isn't really good at managing money or people.  In fact, government is a proponent of the two-income household.  That way they can tax both mom and dad.  Another circumstance that makes keeping the community of the family from being a viable option is the job market.  Many of us find ourselves having to moving far away from extended family to find work.  This can cause many to become isolated as they move to places with no friends or family waiting for them.

This is why, for many of us, community has to be intentional.  We have to seek it out.  Even if we are introverts and can go for days without having a conversation.  We have to look for friends.  We have to take risks.  This is why churches were such a great way to find these relationships.  But, even church is becoming a tougher place to make this happen.  Churches want to get BIG!  So they have two or three or four or more services on Sunday or Wednesday or Saturday.  They have multiple ministers and ministries.  It's hard to develop a relationship with someone you may or may not see again, because of all the worship options.

I know we can find community in a card playing club or a sports team or a hobby club.  These are great ways to meet people.  And if you are a real risk taker, you may find a way to delve beneath the the surface of the people you meet in these clubs and make a real friendship.  Whether it's in a church or a club or school, we are meant to put ourselves inside a community of other humans.  We need relationships.

We need friends.  I'll even go so far and say we need a best friend.  Things in life are never as scary when you've got a best friend.  Alone, ideas and fears and worries can grow large and looming.  When you are with a friend and you speak these fears aloud, they lose their grandeur.  We can look at them for what they are.  A friend can then ask the question, if this is true, then what?

We need to nurture the friendships and family relationships we have.  They are vital to our well-being.  We were created to be in them.  I encourage you and me to go out and take a risk.  Go to church.  Smile and look inviting (not in a creepy way) and risk getting into a conversation with a person.  Who knows?  You may make a friend.



Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.  Our cue was Create.

70.  Emily's blog and the opportunity to find new blog friends
71.  A free sandwich for lunch
72.  Balmy days in January
73.  Ski club meeting tonight (maybe I can make a friend?  I'll try)
74.  Having a best friend

Maybe I'm a Disney princess

I think I may be a Disney princess.  After all, I'm 55 years old and I'm 50 lbs. overweight.  I wear glasses.  My hair is graying.  And my boobs are racing each other to my knees and I think the right one may be winning.  Yeah, I think that sounds like a Disney princess, don't you?  Maybe I'll name myself Bellerella.  Or Mulahontas.  Or Tiana-Ting.  Anyway, I think I may be the lost Disney princess and I'll tell you why.

I have found myself in conflict with an evil villain.

The most recent villain in my life entered just over a month ago.  Let's call him Sir Boringoldguy.  He is my newest co-worker.  Unfortunately, his boss (aka my boss) was on travel during this guy's first week of work.  Sadly, I was tasked with introducing this guy around campus and settling him into his office.  I was, essentially, being his "go-to" person.  Super sadly, this guy became quite attached to me.  Seriously, if I didn't know full well that I look exactly like the person described in the first paragraph of this post, I'd think he was trying to "come-on" to me.  And yet, I'm the more vivacious of the pair of us.  If you get my meaning.

Some of his dastardly deeds include coming to meetings with my boss 20 minutes early so he can sit down in the chair across my desk and talk to me.  I now know way too much about this guy.  I can tell you, I learned way too much about this guy in his first two weeks.  Here is a guy with no boundaries.  None.  I know his son is wanted by the police.  I know the entire story of why his son is wanted by the police.  I know he is hiding his son from the police.  I know he is still looking for another job because he believes he can do better than this.  I know how EVERYTHING was done on Capitol Hill in regard to environmental health and safety.  And you know what?  I don't care about any of it.  This guy is trying to bore me to death.

I've attempted to fight my nemesis off with comments like, "You know?  I'm busy just now and really don't have time to talk."  And this one, "You really shouldn't be telling me all this.  It's none of my business."  And my favorite, "Please leave.  I have a lot of work to do and I have someone coming to my office in a couple minutes."  This guy, evidently, has a force field and all my verbal arrows bounce right off of him.  Bummer.

Face to face combat is not the only evil trick he has up his sleeve.  He is also the master of lengthy, rambling emails.  His emails usually contain two or three forms of bullet points (arrows, dots, blocks...), at least one bolded word, a couple of words in ALL CAPS, italicization, and (my favorite) multiple colors and fonts.  He's the type of villain that uses 500 words when five words would suffice.  Oh! The humanity!

Unlike most Disney princesses, there is no Prince Charming around this place to rescue me from this evil villain.  None.  My boss is King Non-confrontational.  Even though I have actually gone into my boss' office and told him this guy is bothering me and will not stop coming over to my office to chat, my boss will do nothing.  I am an orphan and my king will not save me.     

I will become Princess Happy-merida-girl.  I will load my quiver with arrows that will pierce any force field.  I'll use "No, you can't sit there."  And, "You need to leave."  As well as, "Does it smell like mothballs in here or is that you?"  How about the always effective, "Go away, now."  Let's pray it does not come down to cursing by foul words and the all-powerful Human Resource curse.

I hope I end up living happily ever after.  Or, at least until the countdown on my I Quit This Job clock strikes zero.

The end.

634.  Two days with King Non-confrontational on travel
635.  The most beautiful fall weather, EVER!
636.  Co-workers I enjoy working with
637.  Memories of the other evil villains that have been my life that have been slain or conquered

I'm a Titus 2 older woman

Here I am, the Titus 2 older woman.  Even I can't believe I'm here.  My whole adult life I thought of myself as the Proverbs 31 woman.  I guess one can be both, but that's asking an awful lot of just one woman.  Even though the bible doesn't speak of the women as often as it spotlights the men, the verses directed towards us are chock-full of action items.

Here is a condensed version of what the Proverbs 31 woman is.  (this is the model God has for us girls.  ladies, hold on to your hats.)

The character of the Proverbs 31 woman is to be:  confident, courageous, dignified, diligent, an early riser. faithful, generous, industrious, influential, kind, moral, not lazy, observant, organized, prudent, reverent, sensible, one of strength, trustworthy, well groomed, and wise.

Her skillset is to include the textile arts, where she is to be creative, know handspinning, be knowledgeable in textiles, and have sewing skills.  She is also to be skilled in the culinary arts as the purchaser of choice foods and supervising meals.  Her management skills should include:  attention to detail, common sense, knowledge of home businesses, being a wise investor, observant, organized, taking the role of the overseer, being philanthropic, prepared, realistic, showing stewardship, being successful, teaching, and just all around wisdom.

Finally, her relationship with her husband should be one that shows appreciation for him, has his best interests at heart, be one of trust, full of praise for him, and be one of unity.

This, my friends, is a full-time job.  Oh?  What is that you say?  You have a full-time job outside of the home, too?  Just remember to take your vitamins.  Your going to need the energy.  Luckily, or not (depending on your point of view), you get seven days off each month to sit in a tent or cave on your own while you have your period.  (I hope I didn't offend anyone by saying "period,"  Especially Richard, the fb ranter of maxipad commercials.  check it out.)

One day you will wake up and discover you have become the Titus 2 woman.  Just when you got a handle on being the Proverbs 31 woman, wham, life takes a turn.  I can tell you, the day comes (about 25 years into your marriage) when the relationship with your husband has become such a close partnership that each and every one of the recommendations in Proverbs becomes as natural as breathing in and out.  You notice that you've gotten a handle on the home management thing, too.  (especially now that those sticky handed toddlers and non-driving teenagers have left the nest.)  You think you've checked the box.  But, No.  God has a new job for you.

Titus 2:3-5  "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the Word of God."

This is my new biblical admonition.  If, by any chance, you find yourself in my shoes and have discovered you are now a Titus 2 woman, remember this; just because we are able and capable to train the younger women, that doesn't mean they're going to listen to us.  And, if by any chance, you are a younger woman doing your best to follow the Proverbs 31 model; take a moment to ask a Titus 2 woman what she thinks or how she handled some of marriage's, motherhood's and general life living situations and struggles.  Believe it or not, things have not changed that much and there may be some wisdom between those older ears.

God knew what he was doing when he wrote these two passages.  Iron sharpens iron.  Experience is an excellent teacher.  One great thing about being in fellowship with other christians is to seek out wisdom and life long experience of walking this life with Jesus and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide us instead of the latest parenting trend or following the lifestyle trends of the Hollywood set.

Allow me to introduce myself as one of the newest Titus 2 women on this earth.  I know God has said (and I paraphrase), "You have not, because you ask not."  Feel free to ask me anything.  :)

Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday.

619.  Loving in a long marriage

620.  Raising a loving son

621.  Walking with Jesus for many years

622.  Being forgiven much

623.  Learning from Godly older women

624.  Caring about the next generation of christian women

30 years

Thirty years ago I was 25 years old and I was getting married.

We got married at four in the afternoon and it started pouring rain just after we said, "I do" to each other.

The reception was in my parent's backyard.  300 people.  Thank goodness we had a tent.

It rained so hard.  It rained for an hour.  There was a river running through the middle of the tent.

Men rolled up their pant-legs and women took off their shoes.  My father said "F**k the rain."  I'd never heard him say that word before.

I was smiling.  I was happy.  I was turning a page in my life.  I was stepping into a new chapter and I was doing this with the man I loved.

My brother held a sheet of plastic over the bartender as he served drinks.

Everyone laughed and drank and danced.  No one went home.  Then the rain stopped and the sun shone and the water flowed away.

We all ate the food and took more pictures and drank more wine and danced more dances.

This was the first day of 30 years together.

A friend asked me if I remembered all the fights and tough times and hardships.  I guess, if I think very hard, I can remember, but it isn't what I find the easiest thing to remember.  The things that come to mind the quickest and strongest is the fun we've had.  The joy we've shared.  The successes we've had, individually and together.  These are the things I can remember.  I'm so glad.  I am blessed.

This morning it rained so hard my windshield wipers couldn't keep up with the rain.  My garage flooded.  And I remembered that 30 years ago it rained so hard on my wedding day.  And I was smiling.


Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose answering the question, what does it mean to be blessed?

495.  Being married to my friend
496.  Smiling in the rain
497.  Celebrating our marriage
498.  Realizing the blessing of a long marriage

Settling

This year, I will have been married for 30 years.  I think this is right.  Math isn't my strongest suit, but I was married in 1982, so I believe I have done the math correctly.  Wow!  30 years.  That's a long time.  I know long marriages are becoming a thing of the past.  (and I'm willing to bet marriage by a man and a woman may become a thing of the past, too)  I wonder, sometimes, why it seems so hard to be married.  Believe me, there is nothing special about my marriage.  We are regular people.  Neither of us married the other for their money or status.  We married each other because, at the time, we were "in love" with each other.  (whatever "in love" means)

When I think back to the time I fell in love with my husband and agreed to marry him, I try to think about where I was in my life.  I was living in Chicago and working in a hospital as a medical technician.  At the time, this was a pretty good job.  I had a pretty nice apartment.  I lived alone.  I had a lot of friends.  And my best friend had just gotten married.  I had dated a couple guys pretty seriously and one of them had asked me to marry him, but I wasn't ready to get married.  It wasn't the right time for me.  Actually, when I think back on it, he wasn't the right guy for me, either.  When I met my husband, I liked him, but he wasn't really my type.  He wasn't very tall and he wasn't dutch.  For some reason, those were characteristics I liked about the men I dated.  I liked my husband.  He was a naval flight officer.  I thought that was pretty cool.  I think I met my husband at the right time of my life.  My best friend was married.  In fact, I had been going to quite a few weddings.  And, my husband had a job that would take him anywhere in the world.  I LOVED to travel.  At the time, that was pretty much all I needed to know.

I'm gonna tell you, that's not enough to hold a marriage together.  I think my husband and I were incredibly lucky.  It just so happened, we were born about two miles from each other.  Now, I didn't meet my husband until he was 27 years old and living in Jacksonville, FL, but we came from the same place.  I think that helped a lot.  We had quite a few things we hadn't discussed thoroughly before we decided to marry.  We hadn't discussed money.  I was a super saver and he was a spender.  (fyi, there has been an adjustment in those standings in the years of marriage.  somewhere around the time our son was born, my husband became a saver.)  We hadn't discussed children.  Like, how many or how to raise them.  We were lucky.  I was only able to have the one child.  This decision was taken out of our hands.  We did discuss adoption, but my husband wasn't keen on this.  I think both parents have to REALLY want this or just not do it.  These are two giant issues we should have been much more clear about than we were.  Fortunately, we were able to compromise with each other and find agreement.

Another thing we hadn't discussed was how to raise a child.  My mom was a sahm.  Husband's mom worked three jobs.  I will tell you, this was quite the issue in our early marriage.  I ended up staying home until my son went to middle school.  I think this was a fair compromise.  Unfortunately, this was something we fought about a lot.  Again, there was something inside us that told us we'd rather be together, fighting, than apart.  Before I go too much further, I have to remind you that my husband was in the navy.  We had PLENTY of time apart.  The navy is awesome at separating married couples.  Back in the olden days when my husband was active duty we didn't have cell phones or email.  We had letters.  We were seriously separated.

The point of this post is "settling."  I think the secret of our long marriage was, for my part, the ability to settle for the situation the way it was.  I didn't get to choose where we lived.  The navy chose.  I was a city girl and, luckily, most of our duty stations were near cities.  I felt comfortable.  My husband always worked on a base.  Even though the faces of the people he worked with changed, the clothes (uniforms) stayed the same.  He was happy anywhere we lived.  When we moved to the mid-Atlantic and had to live in a rural/suburban area, it was tough for me, but I settled.  Even though it's been 16 years, I know I won't be here forever.

Somewhere "settling" for the sake of the family has become the worst possible thing a person can do.  Women are told they are losing themselves if they settle for what their husband wants.  Even if he is the major earner.  Men are told that they need to take a step back and allow the woman to succeed in her own right.  I think more emphasis is placed on what is good for the INDIVIDUAL at the expense of the marriage.  I don't know a lot, but I'm pretty sure nobody is getting exactly what they want all the time.  Sometimes  you have to settle for what you get and make the best of it.  We aren't all Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and sometimes you have to spread a little fertilizer around to get the greener grass.  For what it's worth, a long marriage to someone you like is worth settling for.

136.  Tomorrow is Friday
137.  Starting a new bible study on Monday
138.  Quiet time alone in my office
139.  Bringing flowers to a co-worker recovering from surgery
140.  Cleaning up a lot of loose ends in the office
141.  Warm sweaters and warm socks
142.  Hot mug of tea in a chilly office

Conscience development

I have been involved in a study regarding ethics and the role ethics, or lack of ethics, had in the 2008 financial crisis.  The study is called Doing the Right Thing, by Chuck Colson and Robert George.  Last night one of the topics for discussion was our conscience.  One of the participants in my group asked the question, "What is a conscience?"  I gave a quick, maybe flip, answer that a conscience was like a barometer of right and wrong in our bodies.  A conscience is the part of us that allows us to feel whether a decision we are making is a morally right decision or a morally wrong decision.  Webster's first definition of conscience is the sense of the moral goodness or blameworthiness of one's own conduct, intentions, or character together with a feeling of obligation to do right or be good.  I was close.

One of the things discussed last night was the endless ability of the human mind to rationalize and in so doing, we weaken our conscience to the point of uselessness.  We all know this is true.  One of my favorite lines from a movie is from the movie, The Big Chill.  The character Michael, played by Jeff Goldblum says, "I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex."  Then the character Sam, played by Tom Berenger says, "Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex."  To which Michael replies, "Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?"  This movie was made in 1983.  I'll bet today, most of us can't go two days without a good rationalization.  Most of us can remember watching our president rationalize away his bad behavior by asking his prosecutor to define the word "is."  There is just something about the president of the United States rationalizing away bad behavior that gives permission to everyone else to rationalize away their own bad behavior.  It doesn't take too many repeated rationalizations to erode away the conscience developed at your mother's knee.  Before you know it all things right or wrong become a matter of relevance.

What can be done to develop a conscience?  I googled this question.  Not surprisingly, the first four pages of my google search had to do with child rearing.  This tells me two things.  First, a conscience is developed after birth.  We are not born with a conscience.  We learn what is right and wrong at our mother's knee.  We begin the development of a conscience by learning to please our mothers.  Secondly, there doesn't seem to be much interest in developing a conscience later in life.  If you've erased your conscience with all the rationalizing of your poor choices and bad behavior, you seem to be stuck with a crippled conscience.  This may be the reason our nation finds itself in the financial mess it is in today.  There were a lot of people doing whatever they wanted to do with other people's money with no regard of what was the right or wrong thing to do.

Last night we discussed ways to develop a crippled conscience.  We talked about how to reinforce right thinking back into our lives.  We looked at institutions that are based on developing moral codes.  Institutions like the U. S. Marine Corps.  Like the Boy Scouts of America.  Like any 12 step program following the principles of Bill W.  First we need to be broken down.  We need to come to the end of ourselves.  The Marine drill sergeants are great at doing this.  Then we need to remind ourselves of what the right things are.  Kind of like memorizing the boy scout oath and law.  We then need to accept the reality we cannot accomplish this conversion on our own.  We need a higher power.  Lastly, we must have accountability from others, in our similar circumstances, to keep us on the straight and narrow.  The reality of our condition is that we KNOW what the right thing to do is.  Yet, we find ourselves having a difficult time DOING what we know to be right.  There is nothing like peer pressure.  We just have to use peer pressure in a positive way.

Here's one more thing.  You know the saying, "Let your conscience be your guide," well, maybe not.  Not just yet. 

Fear Not or Fear the Lord?

I think all the church bloggers out there will agree, the bible is one confusing book.  Where should I start?  I know, let's start with the fear of the Lord.  Don't think, for a minute, this will be an exhaustive study on fearing God, but it will be a start.

I've mentioned I've been doing a study on angels these past few weeks.  It's interesting.  I don't think my salvation hinges on what I know about angels, but I am learning more about God by studying this part of his creation.  One thing I've noticed is the people in the bible that get to see angels are described as having a fear of the Lord.  I, for one, have never seen an angel.  I began to think about why I'd never seen an angel.  I listened to the members of my small bible study group discuss their angel experiences.  One of the guys had had, what seemed to me, to be an authentic angel encounter.  It was an amazing story.  I can't remember exactly where he said he was in the world, but it was in Southeast Asia, in the area of Cambodia or Laos.  He was a missionary serving in this part of the world.  Part of his job involved taking pictures.  At the time, he didn't consider himself an accomplished photographer, so he was willing to accept any advice tossed his way.  On this particular occasion, he met a stranger who said he was a photographer, too.  My friend from the small group bible study, Steve, said he spent all day with this fellow.  He said this guy was amazing.  He knew so much about photography and was excellent at teaching.  The images Steve produced that day were stunning.  He wanted to thank the guy for all his help, but when he went to invite him out to dinner, the guy was gone.  Simply nowhere to be found.  And, no one had seen anyone resembling his description in the area.  This makes you say, "hmmm," if nothing else.

Let me tell you a bit about Steve.  Steve is a God fearing man.  He believed God called him to mission in the jungles of Cambodia.  He left his job and went.  He was obedient.

What does it mean to be God fearing?  Does it mean to respect God?  I hope it means more than that.  I respect my boss, because he's my boss.  However, I lie to my boss.  I cheat my boss out of time.  I say crappy things about my boss behind his back.  I don't like going out to lunch with my boss and making small talk because he is bad at it and I don't like talking about work on my lunch hour.  (I am getting off-track)

I don't want to just respect God.  I want to love him.  I want to WANT to do what he wants me to do because I love him.  Not because I'm afraid of him.  I know the bible says I'm his child because I believe in his son Jesus.  But, I don't want to take advantage of God's love like my son takes advantage of my love.  I've been taught once you belong to God you always belong to God, but I'm not completely sure.  I want to be serious about my relationship with God.  I'm done fooling around and living on God's good graces.

I think in order to have an understanding of God and his nature, I need to spend some time studying about him and what he says about his people and this world I live in and the people I've chosen to involve myself, also known as relationships with human beings.  I think in order to have a loving and intimate relationship with God I need to spend time talking to him and being quiet enough to allow him to speak back to me, also known as prayer and meditation.  I think, between these two actions I can combine the fear not and fear the Lord ends of the relationship spectrum into a healthy relationship with God. 

I know this is not all I need to do to understand God, but I think it will help me become the God fearing woman I would like to be.  And, maybe I'll be able to see an angel. 

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom... Proverbs 9:10

Missional ideas for "stay at home" missionaries

This Christmas season I've been making an effort to focus outside myself and my family and focus on being intentional in making Christmas meaningful this year.  Most of the effort I've put forward in this endeavor, thus far, has cost me money and very little time.  I did the shoebox Christmas gifts and the Soldiers' Angels Christmas cards.  These really didn't involve too much of my time.  Today I'm focusing on being a Stay At Home missionary.  This will involve more of my time than my money.  I think it's a good thing.  This is what I want to do to change the way I feel about my relationship with Jesus and the way I relate to people outside of a relationship with Jesus.  Below are eight things we can do to treat our home towns and neighborhoods like the mission field they are.  Of course, this isn't just a Christmas mission.  But isn't Christmastime a wonderful time to start?

1.  Eat with people far from God.  People eat at least two times a day.  Try to find a person to share lunch with at least three times a week.

2.  Walk, don't drive.  If you live in a walkable area, make a practice of getting out and walking around your neighborhood.

3.  Be a regular.  Instead of hopping all over the city for gas, groceries, eating out, and coffee, go to the same places.

4.  Hobby with others.  Pick a hobby you can share.  Get out and do something you enjoy with others.  Try a city league sport.

5.  Talk to your co-workers.  How hard is that?  Take your breaks with intentionality.  Pick four co-workers and pray for them.  Just be nice.

6.  Volunteer for secular charities.  What do you care about?  Get involved and do it with people far from God.

7.  Participate in city events.  Don't just cocoon at home.  Go to fundraisers, festivals, clean-ups, summer shows, and concerts.

8.  Serve your neighbors.  Help a neighbor by weeding, mowing, building a cabinet, fixing a car.  Do ANYTHING to show you care.

Why social justice doesn't work and OWS won't make a difference

This is a parable called the River.

A group of people are standing at a river bank and suddenly hear the cries of a baby.  Shocked, they see an infant floating--drowning--in the water.  One person immediately dives in to rescue the child.  But as this is going on, yet another baby comes floating down the river, and then another!  People continue to jump in to save the babies and then see that one person has started to walk away from the group still on shore.  Accusingly they shout, "where are you going?"  The response:  "I'm going upstream to stop whoever's throwing babies into the river.

The moral of the story is to get to the root of the problem, right?  If we get to the root of the problem then all will be well.

I don't have to travel all the way upstream to tell you what the root of the problem is.  I can tell you now.  The problem is sin.  The problem is always sin.  And the problem will always be sin.

If I go upstream and find an evil man throwing babies into the river I cannot take the evil out of the man.  If I kill the evil man, there will be another to take his place.  If I go upstream and find a daycare built against the river with no barrier between the children and the river and see children falling in the river, I can talk to the owner.  I will find a lazy or greedy establishment, unwilling to do the work or spend the money to provide a fence.  If I build a fence to protect the children at this establishment, another establishment will be erected further up the river with lower costs, and there will be no fence.  Babies will continues to fall into the river.  

We cannot depend on government to save us.  We cannot take greed or sloth or vanity or wrath or envy out of government any more than we can take it out of a man.  Only Jesus can change a heart.

We cannot do anything about the root of the problem.  Only Jesus can fix the problem.  All we can do is jump in the river and pull out as many babies as we can.  When we, the Church, agree to waste its time searching for and attempting to fix the root of the problem we are only spinning our wheels and wasting our time and resources.  There will always be sin in the world until Jesus returns.

The Church is the body of Christ, just as the Bible describes.  Jesus met individuals where they were and in the condition they were in, he didn't meet with political figures and try to change the system.  I believe Jesus said something like, pay your taxes or render unto Caesar that which belongs to Caesar.  I believe the religious / political leaders didn't care too much for Jesus.  They rejected him.

So all you ministers, pastors, priests, Sunday school teachers, Christians who are promoting or participating or beating a drum for OWS.  You are not being the body of Christ.   Jump in the river.  Save a baby.  Social justice is a waste of your time here on earth.

25 things everyone should know

1.  If you don't have any money, you can't spend any money.
2.  To lose weight you have to expend more calories than you take in.
3.  It doesn't cost anything to be nice.  Compassion is a wonderful quality.
4.  If you borrow something, you should return it before you are asked to return it.  
5.  Please and thank you go a long way in relationships.
6.  When you make a promise to someone, keep it.  
7.  If something is too good to be true, it's not true and it's not good.
8.  There is always a winner and a loser and everyone in between.  Not everyone can be a winner.
9.  Being habitually late or keeping people waiting is a sign of arrogance, nothing less.
10.  A good night's sleep does wonders for your well being.  
11.  Drinking water is one of the best things you can do for your body. 
12.  Pay yourself first.  Make saving money a priority.
13.  Get some exercise.  It'll make you feel better and have a better attitude.
14.  Treat other people the way you would like to be treated.
15.  Pick up after yourself.  Don't leave your mess for someone to clean up behind you.
16.  It's a good idea to keep most of your opinions to yourself.  Opinions are like noses.  Everybody has one.
17.  Don't comment on facebook when you are drunk  
18.  Chew your food with your mouth closed and don't talk while you have food in your mouth.
19.  Telling the truth leaves less to memory.
20.  It's rude to text while you are talking to someone face-to-face.
21.  Be generous.  Give to charity or at least, pick up the check once in a while.
22.  Saying "I'm sorry" is a gift to yourself, as well as the person you say it to.   
23.  It's not a conversation if you are doing all the talking.  God gave us two ears and one mouth.  Use accordingly.   
24.  It's good to have a sense of humor about yourself.  It makes you more fun to be around. 
25.  You really are as happy as you decide to be.

There are more than 25 things people should know, but 25 is a good place to start.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Sarcasm is my superpower

I wish my superpower was invisibility.  Then I wouldn't have to worry about my weight or my wrinkles or my roots growing out.  And people wouldn't ask me questions or bother me while I was working.  I could be home and no one would ask me to do anything for them, because they couldn't see me reading my book or playing on the computer or listening to music.  I think those things are "doing something" in contrast to the thoughts of my husband and son.

I wish my superpower was super-speed.  Then I could get all the chores done around the house super-fast.  I could get the laundry done, folded, ironed and put away.  I could get the grocery shopping done so fast.  I could cook, serve and clean-up all the meals at the speed of light.  I could vacuum and dust and mop the floor with lightning speed.  I would have time to read my book or blog or work on ebay stuff.

I wish my superpower was flying.  Then I could go to the mall or to the city.  I could leave my little stripmall suburb and go to an art gallery or a museum and not have to stay in a hotel.  I could go to another part of the country for vacation without having to go through the TSA security and take my shoes off and buy new shampoo and lotion when I get to my destination.  I would be able to take my eyebrow tweezers with me.  I could visit my mom and dad and not feel I had to make it a 4-day weekend.

I wish my superpower was a soundproof forcefield.  Then I could go to the grocery store or big box store or the library or a restaurant or ANYWHERE without having to hear everyone's phone conversations.  I could be alone with my thoughts while I was in the dentist office waiting for my appointment instead of listening to Loudmouth Suzie on the phone with her girlfriend or Businessman Joey closing the deal.

I wish my superpower was super-strength.  Then I would feel powerful.  I would know I was stronger than those perky size 6's at the gym.  I would feel invincible at the office.  I would be able to open the pickle jar without asking my husband.  I wouldn't have to wait for someone to help me move the couch or table to vacuum or mop up the messes.

I wish my superpower was mind reading.  Then I would be able to understand what in the world makes people do and say the things they do and say.  I would know what in the world my husband is talking about.  I would know what my boss wants me to do.  I would know why my "friend" has blocked me on facebook.  I would know WHAT THE HECK my son is THINKING.

Unfortunately, my superpower is sarcasm.  And sometimes people don't get it.  Sometimes they think I'm being mean.  Come on people, get a sense of humor, for pete's sake.  No really, sarcasm is a lousy superpower.  I'm ready to find my kryptonite and and lose this power.  I think I want the superpower that allows me to say something kind at an appropriate time.  Or, if I can't do that, say nothing at all and smile politely.

Image from snarkerati.com

Relationships - work, church, clubs and the neighborhood

I'm still contemplating relationships in my life.  Today I'm thinking about relationships on a much more transient level.  These relationships include co-workers, neighbors, church friends, relationships formed by being in clubs together, and social networking.

This is such a surprising revelation for me, but, from experience, I know it's true.  These relationships are completely transient.  Now, I know that there is the occasional real friendship that can be formed in these relationships, but usually not.

I've had the experience of having a job for many years.  I've been close with co-workers.  I've shared personal situations.  I've spent a sizable portion of my life with these people.  However, when the time comes that I'm no longer working there or even when I go home in the evening, I'm done with them.  I've had the experience of being the only person at the hospital when one of my co-workers was having emergency surgery and bringing him or her meals and running errands for her, but I know when I am no longer working with him, we are done.  We most likely will not keep in touch.  Now this doesn't mean that I don't like these people.  It just means that our relationship is not a close, long lasting relationship.

I think the most surprising area that I have found this to be true is church.  I have had the experience of leaving a church and going to a different church without moving out of the area.  Even though I still lived in the same neighborhood with church "friends", they were done with me.  No calls, no lunches, nothing.  These were women and men that had shared VERY INTIMATE information.  These were women and men that were instrumental in supporting me during difficult times in my marriage .  These were men and women I have shared personal shortcomings I have only otherwise shared with God.  These are men and women, I thought, were brothers and sisters in Christ.  Brothers and sisters.  Family.

The folks I've met as neighbors, in clubs, and "friends" on facebook are certainly transient.  It's fun to have friendships with these people while we are living near each other or in the club, but, again, these are not necessarily long lasting relationships.

As I look back over what I've written about this level of relationship I see how I have contributed to the demise of these friendships.  I'm a more introverted person.  It is difficult for me to be outgoing or to initiate friendships.  I need to examine how this is working for me.  I don't see how I can bemoan my lack of close girlfriends and not be a person willing to put myself out there.

Relationships - family

I'm thinking about the relationships in my life and the effect they have on my happiness journey.  Today I'm examining the relationships in my life that are the closest.

I have an amazing husband.  I can't possibly tell all there is to tell about him, but I can tell you that he loves me and I feel SO loved by this man.  I am able to share anything with him.  I am so glad for this trait of his.  At this time of my life I don't have very many girlfriends.  Now, I have a couple close friends, and I appreciate them so much.  But, they are busy people.  Most people at this stage of life are busy, hard-working people.  We don't have small children giving us the opportunity for play-dates or school activities.  It seems that I have been drawn to people that have jobs that send them on travel and aren't home all the time.  I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone and different time zones make it difficult.  Wow, I've digressed.  I was supposed to be talking about my husband.  I'm so blessed that my husband no longer has a job that involves travel.  You would think that means he is home a lot.  Well, he is home every night, but he it not home a lot.  You see, I am a dissertation widow.  My husband is working on his PhD.  I am a bit lonely, but I understand.  He usually gets home from the office about 9:00 p.m. and usually spends one day of the weekend writing.  I am so proud of him.  When he is home, he is there for me.  Today he is totally OK with me staying in jammies and chillin'.  It was a very rough week at the office, but I'm not going to talk about that.  He lets me talk to him about my insensitive boss, crazy church ladies, and any "out there" thing I need to talk about.  He allows me to decompress.  He encourages me in my eBay endeavors.  He tells me I'm a GREAT cook.  He loves the choices I've made in decorating our home.  He encourages me to go away with a girlfriend when the opportunity arises.  Sometimes I worry that he makes it all about me, but I know that is not true.  I'm blessed to be married 28 years.  (Ha, I just had to ask him how long we've been married, and he knew.)  One thing about appreciating him is that when he asks me for something, I'm so glad.  I like to be able to help him out.  (He has stopped asking for THAT, 'cause it's just NOT going to happen, ha.)  I know this kind of relationship is not something everyone has, and there were times earlier in my marriage that I didn't think I would have it, but I DO.  And I thank God every day.

We have a son.  Our son is 23 years old and he lives with us.  I love my son.  I know my son thinks I hate him, but I don't.  I'm not completely happy with where he is in his life right now, but I am not hopeless.  Our son did not continue his education after high school and does not have a full-time job, but he does work "almost" full-time.  It's certainly not a career path I would dream of for him, but it's a job.  Our son has a learning disability, so school was always difficult for him.  I think he could take college classes, but he is just not ready yet.  Right now he has taken my wet clothes to the laundromat to dry them.  Our dryer died today.  It's great that he will help out and contribute to our family.  It's not always a willing action, but it is something he will do if asked twice or three times.  I'm seeking to be a more positive person towards him.  I want him to know I believe in him.  I believe God has a plan for him.  I am so glad that he is a good man.  He is respectful to people.  He is a sober person.  Now, I HATE the video games and the whole "gaming" culture, but he loves it.  What 'cha gonna do?  btw, I am completely open to suggestions on this matter.

You know, when I see the feelings I have for my family in writing it makes me love them all the more.  As I've taken this time to write I think of the positive things about them.  When I just talk about them to others, I think I have more of a tendency to run them down and talk about their faults.  Hmmm.  I wonder why this is so?  I really don't know any of the folks who've commented or read this blog personally, so you don't even know who my husband and son are.  Yet I've stayed positive AND it makes me FEEL positively towards them RIGHT NOW.  I've heard that positive words can evoke positive feelings.  Well, let me tell you...it does.