Week 4 of the 40 day yoga thing. What was I thinking?

I probably don't sound all that enthusiastic, do I?  This yoga thing is ridiculously difficult.  I had no idea what I was signing up to do.  Really.  No freaking idea.  Had I known what I know now, ...  I just can't say.  Let me start with this item of news.  I got sick this week.  I had a bad cold and a fever.  I felt terrible.  And I thank God I got sick.  Week 4 would have killed me otherwise.  Here's the thing.  In week 4 you do a three day fruit "feast."  FEAST?, umm, well, ok.  Well, you get to eat a lot of fruit.  I don't know about other people, but I do not find fruit a satisfying meal.  I like to have some fruit with my meal.  I like to have fruit and cheese as a desert or even a light lunch.  But, fruit with fruit and then a little more fruit is not my cup of tea.  Oh yeah, they don't want me to have my coffee, either.  So, all fruit, no coffee.  See why the bad cold is looking so good.  And, I'm at work.  Eating fruit makes you have to use the bathroom a lot.  Anyway, my co-workers think I've become a coke addict.  They have no idea why I won't eat food and I'm in the bathroom all the time.  Great, my reputation is smudged.  (Not really, but it's funny to blame stuff on yoga.  They're all spiritual and such.)  Ok, enough on the eating. 

The second leg to this project is the meditation.  I'm really better at this than I thought I'd be.  My problem is I forget to do it.  I can turn this sucker around on a dime.  I just put a reminder in my cool iPhone and it will remind me to do my meditation.  Which, I believe in week 4 is up to a half an hour in the morning and a half an hour in the afternoon.  Gee, I guess I might not be as good at this as I thought.

Thirdly, the yoga.  I suck.  That's it.  Period.  Thank goodness I was sick.  I don't think I would have the energy with the fruit thing and the yoga.  So, being sick is my excuse to not practice yoga.  And let's talk a little bit about what I call practicing yoga.  The people that are REALLY doing the 40 day thing are REALLY doing yoga.  They are doing the vinyasa flow yoga, not the "struggle to get into a pose" yoga I practice.  The yoga they are doing is SERIOUSLY cardio.  I know I've told you I sweat like crazy in my "practice."  So, you know there is NO WAY I can dream of keeping up with that program.  Thank goodness for cold and flu season. 

But, I'm not going to quit.  Even though EVERYTHING in my being tells me to eat a sandwich and I'm only on day two of the three day fruit fun.  But, I'm not going to do that.  I'm going to eat fruit.  Tonight I will meditate for longer than I do anything, even stuff I like doing.  And, tonight I will attend the class that usually includes exercises I find VERY DIFFICULT to participate in, but I WILL PARTICIPATE. 

I wonder if any of the others in the class are having a hard time with this class?  Everyone seems so enthusiastic on Wednesday evenings.  Maybe all the fruit will be the tipping point.  We will see.  Thanks for letting me share.  It helps.  I'm supposed to be journaling, but...  Oh well, I'm eating the fruit.

I am beautiful

I am beautiful
Words flow from fingers with more ease than from lips.
Reflection so harsh
Page so clean

I am beautiful
Isn't a crocus, a daffodil, a tulip beauty as well?
They just are
They don't try

I am beautiful
So is a rock, worn smooth by water.
It is timeless
Yet old as time

I am beautiful
Like a mountain, rugged or a lake, serene.
Both are different
Description the same

I am beautiful
Why doesn't this word feel like it fits?
Too much Mad ad
Less time with Thee

I am beautiful
Created on purpose with thought and care.
Stop critiquing
Accept and believe

I am beautiful
Say it out loud for the mirror to hear.
Every day
Until it is me

I got an award

OH MY GOODNESS, I AM BESIDE MYSELF.

Thank you Joybird.

I just cannot tell you how surprised and honored I was to have this honor bestowed upon my blog.  I haven't been at this for a very long time and I'm really still learning how to add pictures and video to my blog and yada yada yada.

The biggest reason I started this blog was to see my thoughts out there in black and white.  It's hard to pin point my thoughts while they are swirling inside my brain.  I thought I could put them out there, look at them and decide if they were reasonable or making a very sharp left turn.  Also, I could look back and see my growth from Christmas 2010 to wherever I end up.  And, I type better than I write.  You see, I'm a lefty.  All those cute journals and notebooks have always been made for you right's.  Anyway, what I NEVER thought would happen is that anyone would ever read what I wrote.  But, they did!!!  And some even commented on it.  Positively.  *Haha, gotta insert the positivity, since that  is my goal.*

So THANK YOU so much Joybird for sharing your award with me.  Joybird, at A Songbird In His Court, has a gorgeous blog about her her life in CA and being a daughter of the KING.  She takes the most beautiful pictures and goes on the most gorgeous hikes.  I love her confidence in her place in the world and the love she has for Jesus that spills out to those of us she meets here in this world.  I'm SO HAPPY to add her to my blogroll.  Please check her out.

Thank you again, Joybird, for sharing the joy.

Equanimity

I'm going deep here, so stay with me.  Equanimity is the focus for week 3.  Equanimity.  Webster defines it as "evenness of mind especially under stress."  I'm going to have to say this is not my strong suit.  I lose it under stress.  I hate pain and discomfort.  I don't like loud noises and am easily startled.  I don't like it hot and I don't like it cold.  I think week 3 is looking like a tough one.  Can't wait to dive into this one.  Here is the positive side to this coin.  I have the opportunity to learn A LOT.

The first exercise we had in the understanding of equanimity was to sit on our knees with our toes curled under for two minutes.  Awesome.  I think I made it for 10 seconds and my right big toe is still hurting.  What does this say about me?  The first answer coming to my mind for this is QUITTER.  Yep, that's what I think.  I know, intellectually, I'm not a complete quitter.  After all, I went to the class.  I participated in the exercise.  I just couldn't stay with it for two minutes.  I still feel like a quitter.  Now, I'm going to do what I always do.  I'm going to give you my excuses.  Here goes.  First, I was in an hour and a half yoga practice that KICKED MY BUTT just prior to this exercise.  The teacher did a hips, core and balance class and she was brutal.  No modification suggestions and every time I couldn't do the pose I could see her LOOKING at me.  I was so self conscious.  It was uncomfortable, both physically and mentally.  *Gee, I love yoga.*  But, I had decided to go into the class with a positive attitude.  This was my intention.  Btw, yoga is a lot about intention.  Intention for your yoga practice.  Intention for your breathing.  Intention for your meditation.  A lot of intention.  Excuse number two, I'm way heavier than most of the others in the class, but my toes are the same size as theirs.  The physics of this exercise GUARANTEE  my toes will hurt more.  I'm pretty sure I'm right about this.  Pressure per square inch would be greater on MY TOES.  Ok, those are the excuses.

Back to equanimity.  What does sitting on your toes for two minutes have to do with equanimity?  Let me tell you, because I think I get it.  STAY WITH THE PAIN.  Just wait.  Don't react to the pain.  Don't react to the situation.  Breathe.  Give the situation a bit of thought.  Don't look for the quick fix.  Think.  Let the answer come to you.  Don't struggle to find the solution.  Let it come to you. 

As I said, equanimity is not my strong suit.  This week 3 is going to take a lot of work.  I'm going to have to breathe through my cardio.  Breathe through the weight work.  Breathe through my yoga practice.  Breathe through my challenges at work.  Breathe through my food choices.  No grab and go.  Think.

Well, I think I used the word equanimity four or five or even six times in this post.  So, if nothing more, you learned a new word.  I think the Bible speaks on equanimity, as well.  We are to be slow to anger, slow to speak.  We are not to worry, but to give it to God.  We are promised trouble in the world, but told to "fear not" because the world has been overcome by our Lord.    I think I really need week 3.

photo credit

Oh, and I just have to share this because it is HILARIOUS.  They just don't make womens pants with pockets.

Weak 2 and a half (yes, I mean weak)

Ok, I didn't rock week 2 in my 40 days of yoga.   I think my FABULOUS weekend away didn't help me out.  I got out of the routine.  I gained back my two pounds. :(  Ok, whining over.

I learned a lot of "stuff" about myself during week 2.  It all started with the exercise we had to do at the last Wednesday meeting.  We were to get out of our comfort zone by singing and dancing in front of a small group of five people.  Now, mind you, there were six small groups of five people and we could all see each other, but ...excuses excuses.  Well, I was a sourpuss about it.  I didn't want to do this.  At all.  No way.  But I did it.  Grudgingly.  Nobody could have done it MORE grudgingly or with a bigger frown on their face.  I was the CHAMPION of the crabby look.  So childish.  I'm embarrassed.  I had a breakthrough.

This may have been the tipping point resulting in the forgiveness I was finally able to allow in my life.  All the other people in the class were jumping around and laughing and singing and enjoying themselves.  What the heck was my problem?  Why couldn't I do it?  Somewhere along the evening I had decided I didn't want to participate.  I can't say why.  I really don't know why.  I just made up my mind for no good reason.  I didn't need a reason.  I'm a grown-up and I put on my party pooper pants and acted just that way.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?  I'd signed up for this 40 days without a gun to my head.  This wasn't something I HAD to do, I WANTED to do it.  Granted, I didn't know what it was going to involve, but that's the way it goes.  You pays the money, you gets what you get.  Anyway, I thought long and hard about my attitude and why it was so poor.  What was going on in my life keeping me from fully participating in my life?  And, the issue of an unforgiving spirit surfaced.  And, I forgave.  And, it feels good.

Now, there were other particulars of week 2 I was more successful at doing.  One was using fresh foods in my diet instead of processed foods.  I did this fairly well.  I took the time to peel and chop and cook.  Maybe I'll share some of those things at a later date.  Meditation didn't go so well.  I really need to make this a priority.  Like I've said before, I believe this is a discipline of the mind and a discipline to be in control of one's own thoughts.  I don't know the Bible very well, but I believe it says something about sin beginning in the mind and something else about taking hold of one's thought life.  Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Tonight is the meeting for week 3.  I'm going in with an open mind and a desire to participate.  I'll do my first yoga practice in five days before the meeting.  I know it will be a physically difficult evening, but I'm excited.  I'm getting back with the program.  I'm not a quitter.  And, really, it's progress, not perfection.  Isn't it?

How could I forget Scones?

When I blogged about my FABULOUS weekend with my new girlfriends, who are indeed ROCKET SCIENTISTS, I forgot to tell you about the SCONES.  One dear friend brought scones, ready for the oven.  That meant they would be fresh baked.  They would be hot.  Served with clotted cream and lemon curd.  Washed down with mimosas.  Could life get any better?  I don't bake.  Really!  I don't even bake cookies every Christmas.  It's just not my thing.  I'm a fairly good cook, but baking has always eluded me.  There is just something about paying attention to the oven.  I get distracted.  I forget.  I burn.  My new ROCKET SCIENTIST friend, Wendy, says I can do this.  And, she's a ROCKET SCIENTIST, so she knows a lot of stuff.  If she says I can do it, I believe her.  She is going to send me the recipe.  Hopefully she will look at this blog and see how I've been bragging about her and remember to send me the recipe.
Hi Wendy!!!

Another of the ROCKET SCIENTISTS, Deb, bakes bread.  She said I could do it.  Wendy bakes bread, too.  I LOVE bread.  Really, who doesn't?  I am really beginning to re-think this notion of baking.  I've been encouraged and I like the end product.  Seems like a win win situation to me.  I'm really seriously considering becoming a woman that bakes.  I'll let you know.

On a similar subject, I've been considering posting cooking recipes now and again.  I like to cook.  I don't have lots of time, but I like it.  I like using fresh ingredients from local farms.  I'm thinking about this.  Do you think you would like to see some recipes and maybe even a picture?  My last blog featured pictures I took with my iPhone.  I don't have a cool camera, but I have a cool phone.  I wish I would have taken a picture of the SCONES, but I was hungry.  Next time.

My relaxing weekend with ROCKET SCIENTISTS

So, I told you I was excited to have a relaxing "girls weekend."  Yeah, it was GREAT.  The weather was gorgeous.  Nation Harbor is a new area in the D.C. area and it is lovely.  We stayed at a Wyndham resort hotel and it was LUXURIOUS.  My girlfriend, Amy, invited me to enjoy this weekend with her friends.  I love Amy and we enjoy each other's company so much.  We've been friends for quite a few years and have been through the many ups and downs life has to offer.  Amy was a huge reason I went back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for eight years.  I was so glad I took her advice.  Even though I couldn't go back to the technical field I had worked in before I had my son, I could find employment as a secretary in higher-ed.  It has been a great change for me and I've reacquainted myself with myself.  I'm no longer "junior's mom," but ME!!!  Anyway, I digress.

Sometimes when you've been friends with someone so long and so well you begin to forget how OUTSTANDING they are.  My friend's friends on this "girl's weekend" were all ROCKET SCIENTISTS.  Here we are, sitting around, diving into the first round of martinis and the conversation begins.  These are amazingly brilliant women.  Let me tell you about being in the presence of brilliance.  It is so comfortable...  I'll bet you didn't expect me to say that.  I'll bet you thought I might have said, Intimidating..., or Unnerving..., or even, ...Daunting.  None of those words would describe the feelings evoked in this group.  The beauty of being in the presence of truly intelligent, accomplished women is the acceptance one feels.  These are women confident of their abilities and intelligence.  It was so refreshing.  It was great to be included with such a great group of women.  Don't let me mislead you into thinking this was an academic weekend.  No WAY.  Nobody can party like a Rocket Scientist.  I considered showing you photographs of all the empty wine bottles and martini glasses.  I thought about asking you if you can say Eyjafjallajokull three times fast.  (especially after 3 or 4 glasses of wine)  But what I really HAVE to tell you about is this.  Smart women, accomplished women, beautiful women, can accept other people, especially other women, for who they are and make sure they know they are accepted and APPRECIATED.  It was a GREAT weekend.

I may have to agree with this

Awakening sculpture at National Harbor

Hats are fun

Hats are lots of fun

Forgiveness is the BOMB!

I need to remember how good this feels.  The only thing changed in my life is MY ATTITUDE.  I have an attitude of forgiveness and it feels wonderful.  I hope I never forget and go back to the old stand-by of withholding forgiveness.  I hope my yoga improves, as well.

I don't know if there is such a thing as karma, but I do know that life does seem better with this new attitude and this release of hurt and anger.  Things just seem to be going better in my life.  I was invited to a "girls weekend" at the National Harbor.  I'm packing now and I'm SO EXCITED.  I went shopping and got two bras that have changed my life.  (if there are guys reading this, you just don't know what I mean, but trust me, this can be a real life altering experience)  And, the GREAT PEOPLE at the Apple store gave me a new battery for my Mac book FOR FREE.
 
I'm ready to go to my fun, relaxing weekend and I'm taking my forgiving attitude with me.

I've been being a *itch

It always comes back to the same Question.  Am I Being Happy in my life?  If I'm not, what is keeping me from it?  Well, I think I'll tell you.  It's my unforgiving spirit.  There, I've said it.  I've been doing the thing we all know will NOT work.  I'm holding an unforgiving spirit against three women, I feel, have hurt me deeply.  Here's the thing.  They don't care that I've been hurt.  They don't care that I'm mad about it.  And, they don't care that I wish they'd eat worms and die.  So, the only person being hurt in this whole situation is me.  I'm taking the poison.  I'm eating the worms.  I'm dying a little bit every day.  I hope writing this out helps me shed this psychological weight from my shoulders.  We will see.

But, see, I'm not done yet.  I want you to commiserate with me a bit.  I want to tell you when I posted on facebook about my mother-in-law passing many of my "friends" sent well wishes.  Some even sent actual sympathy cards to my home.  These women... these bible study women... these christian sisters... crickets.  Please don't comment on this.  Don't spin me up.  I'm venting, but I don't want confirmation.  I'm just letting a bit of steam or bile or WHATEVER UGLY thing I have in me... OUT.

I've got to stop hoping they are hurting.  I've got to stop wishing for something bad to happen to them.  It's wrong.  Very, very, very wrong.  It's been going on too long.  I wonder IF anything bad did happen to them, would I truly Be Happy?  I don't think so.  I think the Bible even says something about this.  I don't know what it says, but I'm sure it says to wish others well, not harm.  Btw, if you know verses about this, please share these.

Maybe this unforgiving spirit is why I'm so crabby when I get home from yoga?  May there is something to this body, mind, spirit connection?  Maybe I'm holding this bile in my hips?  Who knows?  I'm focusing of getting out of my comfort zone this week.  I think this grudge I'm holding has become my comfort zone.  I want OUT.  I need to forgive and move on.  I need to let this go.  I've held this WAY too long.

Thanks for allowing me this space.

Namaste.

It's glowing spring

I just LOVE this time of the year.  The trees are beginning to glow green.  They aren't in full leaf, but in tiny buds.  The branches just radiate spring.  The daffodils are pushing out of the dirt.  The crocuses are littering the grass with purple and white and yellow flowers.  You see them and aren't sure if they are flowers or trash.  So, you look again and smile.  A flower.  This time of year gives me hope.  Hope that I can be new and get a "do over" for all the bad choices I made after my broken resolutions.  Hope that this will be the year I'll get rid of all my clutter.  Hope that I will be a better secretary.  Hope that I will drop a few pounds and tone some muscles.  Hope, just plain hope.  And, it feels good.  I'm going to enjoy these spring days.  They are precious and few in the mid-Atlantic.  Summer can burst forth at any second, so... we have to enjoy the getting while the getting is good.  I just LOVE this time of year.

1st week complete, whew...

I posted earlier about doing 40 days of yoga and I'm doing it.  I'm doing it the best I can.  In the post about what I was "gonna do" I said a lot of things.  I was completely talking out of my butt.  I had NO idea what to expect.  None.  Seriously.  So, since I have week 1 under my belt I can share with some experience.  Here goes.

I'm pretty sure I'm one of the oldest people in the class and I'm certain I'm the heaviest.  (this is a hard for me to say aloud.  I don't know why, because I know I'm not invisible, but it just is, ... hard to say.)

Yoga is hard to do when you are fat.  I'm sure it's hard to do when you are not fat, but the belly and thighs make a HUGE difference.  I'm making an enormous (haha) effort not to become discouraged.  I'm mostly attending beginner classes.  And I should ONLY take beginner classes.  However, the Sunday evening class is for EVERYONE, so they accommodate all experience levels.  Most of the people in this class are experienced, so... the yoga practice is harder.  Let me share some of my joy.  When the class begins I think to myself, boy, I hope I don't fall down.  I really don't want to fall down.  I think if I fall down, I won't be going back there.  So far, I haven't fallen down.  Booyah!!!  Then I begin to do my best at getting into and holding the poses.  It's hard for me.  I look at the girls on either side of me fold their lithe bodies and look completely at ease in the poses.  Their hair is smooth.  Their eyes closed, faces serene.  And dry.

Now look at me.  I'm in my pose, sort of.  My hair is mussy, because it will NOT stay in the ponytail I affected this morning, because my hair is NOT quite long enough to stay put so strings of hair are hanging in my face.  Obviously my eyes are NOT closed or I wouldn't be able to see what the other girls are doing.  My face is NOT serene.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I look puzzled.  I try to use the puzzled look to mask the pained look.  Oh yeah, and my face is NOT dry.  I'm SWEATING.  A LOT.

Now you have a picture of my yoga.  Not pretty.  The goal for the week was to attend 3 - 4 yoga classes and to do 1 - 2 home practices.  I attended 3 classes and did zero home practices.  I don't know any by heart yet, so...  There you go.

Meditation is also part of this class.  As I mentioned before, this is not my strong suit.  I really have no strong suit in this 40-day class, but meditation has NEVER been something I could do at all.  Well, surprisingly enough, I've been kinda OK at meditation.  So surprising.  I'm finding that focusing on my breath and my body for 5 minutes at a pop is something I can do.  We were supposed to meditate twice each day for 5 minutes each.  I did it 3 times this week.  OK, so, I didn't do it as much as I was supposed to do, but the quality of those 3 times was darn good.

Thirdly, mindful eating was a part of the program this week.  Why do I want to eat this?  How will it make my body feel?  Do I want this because I am hot?  Or cold?  etc.  etc.  etc.  This WAS fairly key for me.  It does slow down the "grab and go" eating that is a part of my existence.  I can't say I did this perfectly, but I did it often.  I'm not sure I completely understand the desire for food and the hot or cold body experience, but this seems to be an important part of the program.  I will make an effort to grasp this concept more fully.  Fyi, I've lost 2 lbs. this week.  So, ...  I'm looking at this as a positive.  Tough to do, but I think I should.

Lastly, journaling and answering "excavation questions."  Another tough area for me.  I understand journaling is one of the MOST powerful vehicles for change.  I'm trying to do it.  For some reason, blogging like this is easier for me than writing in a book.  But, I don't think you would like to hear the answers to the questions I'm being asked to contemplate.  Example, "Where in my life am I flirting with disaster?"  No one wants to hear the answer to THAT ONE.  :)

There you have it in a nutshell.  One week of the 6-week program complete.  One week to changing my way of thinking about my body, my thoughts, my interactions, my self-care.  This is all good.  Thanks for letting me share.  A little accountability goes a long way.

topexercisevideos.com

I can still perform an act of love

Whew, this has been a VERY long week.  I want to thank all the readers of this tiny corner of the blogosphere for being so encouraging and supportive during this time of grief.  My husband is home and life is returning to normal.  Whatever that means.  I am so glad to have him home.   I really don't know what to say about any of the rest of it.

My mother-in-law has passed away.  We weren't close.  It just never happened.  I tried, I'm sure she tried, but we were different.  Or maybe we were too much alike.  I just can't say.  What I can say is this; my mother-in-law loved her children.  She loved them more than ANYTHING in the WHOLE WORLD.  And, you know what else, ... they knew it.  She made sure they knew they were the MOST WONDERFUL PEOPLE in the world.  I think this is why we were never close.  You see, my husband married down, below his station.  Of course, there was no way he could marry above himself because he was the MOST WONDERFUL PERSON  in the world.  No one would have been good enough for him.  There it is.

Why couldn't I see this when I was a young bride and a young mother?  Why couldn't I see this as a reflection of the relationship she had with HIM and not the relationship I thought she was building with me.  I never saw this.  Of course, when I was 25 or 30 or 35, it was all about me.  Sometimes, even at the ripe old age of 5?, it still can be all about me, but not as much.  I just didn't get it.  I just saw my flaws.  I was too fat.  I was too lazy.  I didn't have a full-time job, I was a stay-at-home mom, I didn't contribute to the marriage, I was too fat.  This is all I ever saw about our relationship.  Her disapproval and my flaws.  So, my reaction was to back away, not like her, not like the relationship she had with my husband, etc., etc., etc.  I was an immature little girl.  And, she was, too.  We never talked about it.  We never really tried to find out who we were in this relationship.  It just never happened.

I'm writing this out here in cyberspace to see these words in front of my eyes.  This story is much deeper than can be told in one post.  My husband and I have been married 28 years.  My husband lived with his mother 'til he was 18.  Of course I know my husband as well as his mother did.  Of course I love my husband as well as his mother did.  I just know and love him differently.  And, I'm good enough.  I'm pretty enough.  I'm woman enough.  I am enough for my husband.

My mother-in-law has passed away.  I cannot mend or improve our relationship.  It is what it was.  It was cordial, it was detached, it was distant and sometimes it got a little ugly.  However, my relationship with my husband is still in progress.  I love him and I can still perform an act of love.  My husband has asked me to copy pictures for the family.  I can do this.  I'm happy to do this.  I can look at the pictures of her as a young woman and I wonder what she was thinking.  Did she hope for a wife for her son?  Did she hope his marriage would be long?  Did she want grandchildren?  I'll edit the pictures and make them as pretty as I can.  I'll send them out to all the siblings and nieces and nephews and the grandchildren.  I'll make every effort to bring some comfort to this sad time.  This can be my act of love.  It's not much, but it is something I can do.  Maybe in the process I'll learn a little bit more about who she was and who I am.

Meditation

Quiet my mind
Close my eyes
Slow my thoughts
Experience the stillness
Connect to my body
Stop doing for a moment and be

Quiet

Sit comfortably
Touch fingertips to fingertips
Feel the feelings
Thoughts drift
Feel my fingertips

Quiet

See my body through my forehead
Feel my edges
My skin touches my clothes
Thoughts drift
Feel my fingertips

Quiet

Experience the stillness
Thoughts drift
See my feet through my forehead
Connect to my body
Feel my fingertips

And I've been quiet and my thoughts have been focused

My heart stopped for a blog friend

There are so many things I want to share on this blog.  I think you could say I'm using this sliver of the blogosphere as my personal journal / therapy / encouragement station / is that what I'm REALLY thinking / and venting area of my life.  I love finding other bloggers that are interested in the same things I'm interested in doing or being or aspiring to being.  Anyway, I love finding blogs I can relate to.  And, I like to comment on their blogs and, kind of, develop a "relationship" with these bloggers.  I know we don't know each other.  I know we will, most likely, NEVER meet each other.  But, I like them.  I feel like I "know" them.

Today one of my blog friends posted this and my heart stopped.   Dear blog followers and friends, please pray for the comfort and spiritual healing for Jeff and Beth Dargis.  I don't know what to say.  I cannot imagine the pain they must be experiencing.  I know many of the people reading my blog believe in Jesus Christ and the forgiveness and salvation we have in Him.  I know Beth does.  Beth does not know me in "real life", but I've been a follower of her blog for quite a while and have grown to admire her, if not love her, in a way.  I'm asking for nothing more than prayer.  As believers, we know that is the best we can give.  Thanks and God bless the Dargis family.

40 days of yoga

Today I am taking the first step on an odyssey, I'm afraid, will be no less perilous than that of Ulysses.  I am beginning a "40 Days To Personal Evolution" program at the neighborhood yoga center.  I'm scared.  I'm not a real yoga person.  I've taken at few yoga classes.  I've taken a couple tai chi classes.  I've taken two qi gong classes.  *and, as a side note, I pronounced it wrong.  it's pronounced chi gong.  oh really.*  I've seen all the yoga girls coming out of the yoga classes.  They're all TINY.  No chubby girls take yoga classes.  Yoga pants aren't known for their camouflaging properties.  Sure, they stretch like nobodies business, but they are, shall we say, clingy.  Oh yeah, and I don't know if you remember this about me, I'm over 50.  Not just over 50, but almost half-way over 50.  Flexibility is NOT my middle name anymore.

So, you may wonder what exactly, I am afraid of.  It can't be the fear that I may not do yoga as well as others accompanying  me on this journey.  Nope, that is a given.  ANYONE can do yoga better than me.  My dog can do yoga better than me.  Could the fear be stepping out and trying a new thing?  Well, we are getting closer.  The unknown is a scary place.  I don't know any of these people.  I don't know any of the teachers  This does give me a tiny bit of pause, but I don't think this is the biggest portion of my fear.  Will I hurt myself?  No, this isn't it.  I know I won't hurt myself.  Will I quit before the 40 days is completed?  Ding ding ding.  We have a winner!!!  This is my biggest fear.  I want to give this program my full participation.  It is all on me to take the suggested classes during each week.  It is all on me to do the homework and do the "at home practices" and do the meditations.

Meditations?!?  What??  I don't meditate.  This scares me to death.  This has always been the portion of a yoga class I just don't understand.  What is supposed to be happening in meditation.  I don't know what goes on in your "mind's eye", but my mind has a grocery list, that closet in the back bedroom that needs sorting out, the three projects I have sitting on my desk in the office, the quality of the oil in my car, the state of the economy in Namibia, ANYTHING but what I think everyone else is meditating on.  I start to get nervous.  I say to myself, "Hey, stop thinking about frozen pizzas and which hot dog buns to buy this time.  Your supposed to be meditating and freeing your mind.  Ok, think about a beach.  Really, a beach...  NO, stop thinking about whether or not we should use the time-share this year or try to sell it on that travel website.  You're supposed to be meditating.  Ok, think about a mountain.  Sigh, a mountain...  Hey, did you remember to have the break fluid checked at the shop the last time?  I wonder if I'm going to have to buy new tires?  STOP thinking about that stuff...you're supposed to be meditating."  DING.  Meditation time is over.  Now I'm a wreck.  I've just added five more things to my to-do list.

I think we've narrowed down my fears to two.  Number one, having another endeavor I have paid money for and didn't complete.  Number two, meditation and focusing on my own thoughts.  I guess when I look at these fear "on paper" they don't seem so scary.  I mean, what's the worst that can happen?  I guess I'll find out.  Namaste.

image from jiggaroo.com

I wish my arms were 1000 miles long

If my arms were 1000 miles long
I would wrap you tight

If my arms were 1000 miles long
I would wipe your tear

If my arms were 1000 miles long
I would hold your hand

If my arms were 1000 miles long
I would gather all the loose ends

If my arms were 1000 miles long
I would touch your cheek

I would feel like I was near to you
But I wouldn't be able to tie my shoe

Mom of my man

I was not the girl of your dreams
My love and your love for the same man so different
I wanted a knight a protector a hero
You swelled in adoring love bestowed on a child made of gold

My man was your boy
Shiny and brave and a blessing on a marriage broken
Your boy is my man
Tarnished with flaws the prince of my hope 

I saw my future and I was afraid
You saw your past and felt satisfied
Now the end's near and your son's at your side
He's your knight in bright armor, he's my prince made of gold

Alcohol is like love

I'm getting in a routine.  I know this sounds boring to many people, but to me, this is my HEAVEN.  I love knowing what is coming next.  I'm getting in the routine of going to the gym for lunch every day.  Today I had a headache.  All I wanted to do was bail on the gym and get a Happy Meal.  But, NO!!  I went to the gym.  I did it.  I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and I did some weight work for lower body.  I am proud of myself.  I know I could do more.  I know I could work out harder.  To me, the ROUTINE of going to the gym, doing cardio and lifting weights makes me HAPPY.  I WOULD love to get in the routine of getting up at 6:00 a.m. and do some cardio before I get in the shower and get ready for work.  I haven't done that, yet.  I'm thinking about it.  I'm trying to OBSESS over it.  But it's so hard for me to do.

Another routine I would like to start is to go for a walk after I get home from work.  Currently I have a different routine.  The routine I have now is to get home from work and have a cocktail.  I need to stop this.  It is not healthy for me.  I used to jokingly say I needed to wash the taste of my office out of my mouth.  Hahahaha.  Who's hurting who?  This is not a positive thing to do.  I think I need to think of this "routine" as a self-destructive act.  Why should I let this job have one more second of my life than it is already taking?  Why should I allow this job to damage my health?  What I should do is steal from the job.  I should keep taking advantage of the gym.  I should take advantage of training.  I should take advantage of skill building.

I need to build new routines in my life, little by little.  I can do this.  I'll let you know when the early morning workouts kick in.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

"Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off. "   Raymond Chandler