Clap along with the Dutchies Being Happy

I know it's been a long, long time since I've been on the blog..., but I just ran across this video and it is great.  Happy people dancing to Happy in Amsterdam.  I love it.  Btw, you don't have to watch all of it in one sitting.  I mean, even though I'm still out of work and have nothing BUT time I didn't watch it all at one time, but I listened to it while I was on the treadmill.

Have a HAPPY day and clap along.  :)

There is no sense in nonsense

Ok, I'm ready to write about the ...rest of the story of my "retirement."

I thought it may take me a few days to find the humor in this and I was right.  You've heard that no news travels faster than bad news.  This was true for me.  A week ago on Tuesday my phone and email blew up!

Evidently the college had begun to hire for my old position.  And, surprise, surprise, they had upgraded the position and given the position a raise.

I wasn't surprised at all.  I knew they wouldn't be able to hire someone qualified if they had kept the position the same as when I was in it.  This is why I was asking for a raise.

Sure it hurt that I had been lied to.  I had been in the job 11 years.  I thought I deserved to be treated with respect.  I guess I was wrong about that.

I got over this pretty quickly.  I mean, my old boss, Mr. Nonconfrontational, showed his true colors.  If he had been any kind of a man or manager, he would had spoken to me directly and just told me the truth.  I knew what the truth of the situation was.  It wasn't that I was a bad employee.  It wasn't that I wasn't doing my job.  The truth of the situation was that I had pushed them too hard.  I asked for the position to be upgraded and a substantial raise.  If they would have done this for me, then they would have been opening the door for EVERYONE to ask for raises.  And, they would have been able to say, "You gave Happygirl an upgrade and a raise.  Why not me?"  They weren't gonna have THAT.  And the easiest way not to have THAT was to close the door I had opened when I turned in my letter of resignation.  So they did.

Ok, I get that there is not much humor in this portion of the story.  Let's see if this next bit contains anything that'll make me smile.

The new guy that was promoted to be my boss (get that!  he had been promoted.  he had been a co-worker, now he was my boss.  gee, you think he'd want to share  some of the blessings that had gone around his way.  I guess when you "get yours" you don't have to care about anyone else.) is retired Navy (albeit a blackshoe or surface guy).

It was inevitable that I would run into this guy in the commissary.  (a commissary is the grocery store on a navy base, fyi)  This happened last Saturday.  It was everything you might have expected it to be.  We were both surprised to see each other, although he looked much more uncomfortable than I felt.  He asked me how retirement was treating me and I said I was well.  I congratulated him on getting my old position upgraded.  He hemmed and hawed and eventually said that he had told me he would get the position upgraded.  I said, "yeah, but not for me."  He responded with an uncomfortable sheepish look.  And, oh yeah, he told me that EVERYBODY on campus wanted my old job.  I told him that of course they would.  It's the easiest job on campus.  I mean, heck, I was capable of doing it.  Then I let him off the hook and told him he could keep all the crappy things that they were saying about me behind my back, behind my back.  Good luck and yada yada yada.

Are you laughing?  Yeah, I'm not laughing that much either.

The bottom line is this.  They did me a favor by not offering me the upgraded position.  First of all, they didn't raise the pay to as much as I had asked for.  (really?)  Secondly, if they would have raised the pay enough, I would have accepted the upgrade and raise and stayed.  And, this would still have been the character of the people I was working with 40 hours a week.  These would have been the people I was sharing the best part of my day with.  This is who was getting the best of my energy and intellect.

Enough with this nonsense.

Btw, now that I work for myself, I ADORE my new boss.

484.  On line yard sales on facebook (I finally found something useful on fb!!)
485.  Working with people I love
486.  Reading
487.  Finding my footing in my new normal
488.  Chuckling at Samsung's smartwatch (really, who likes this thing?)
489.  Finding my "happy" again
490.  Smiling a lot more 

Chris Kutcher has a lot on the ball

I am SUPER excited to see the new movie about Steve Jobs.  Jobs looks like it may end up being a good one.  I thought the guy they chose to play Jobs was a good choice.  He had the look.  I didn't think much of him, personally.  I mean, all I really new about him was that he was Demi Moore's husband after she divorced Bruce Willis and she was 20 years older than him.  My intimate knowledge of Ashton Kutcher was pretty limited.  Oh yeah, I knew he played a kid on That 70's Show, but I really never watched the show. I think I saw him in a couple silly movies, but he didn't really impress me. Sure, he's a good looking guy, but who isn't a good looking guy in Hollywood.

And then I saw this.

Really, watch it.  It's not what you think.  It's thoughtful.  I hope more than a few young people in the audience heard him.

He told the audience, which consisted of teen pop stars and teen girls, and other teen people and teen aficionados, about the three most important things he learned before he changed his name from Chris to Ashton.  Before he became famous.  Before he became a celebrity. 

If I hadn't seen him interviewed on CNBC the other day, I wouldn't have thought he had this in him.  But I did see the CNBC interview and I did learn that Mr. Kutcher is a smart businessman.  Really, everything you need to know is on CNBC.  You should watch it some time.  It's really not boring.

Anyway...  This is the crux of what he said.

First, he learned that opportunity looks a lot like hard work.  He said he was never better than any job he ever had.  He began working with his dad at the age of 13 (probably the age of many members of the audience) by carrying shingle up on the roof.  Every job he ever had was a stepping stone to the next job and he never quit a job without having another job.  Yep, he said this in front of the world and all the entitled in it.  Opportunity looks a lot like hard work.

Secondly, he said, “The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart.” As soon as he said the word "sexy" the crowd (teenage girls) went wild.  He told them that the world is telling you that you aren't smart.  The world is telling you that you need their product or their clothes or their perfume or their shoes to be sexy.  He told them not to buy into that "crap"!  He told them to Be Smart, Be Thoughtful, and Be Generous.  Oh, the world would be such a better place if people thought this way.  (sadly, he's in the business of selling sex to the masses.  I wonder how he puts this together in his mind?)

Finally, he told the crowd that something he learned while making the Steve Jobs film was that, “Everything around us that we call life was made up of people that are no smarter than you.” He encouraged the kids to build their own life, not to just live a life.  Take charge of your own life, don't just follow the crowd.

If just one of these ideas sinks into the minds of any of the people that have heard this speech (and it's a whole lot, 'cause this video has gone viral) it will improve their lives.  I hope.  I pray.  We will see.

401.  Fall-like days in August
402.  A son that come over to visit while my husband is out of town
403.  Learning to be generous because I married a generous man
404.  Good books
405.  Buying a book that will allow 3 people in Africa to have clean drinking water
406.  Leftovers
407.  Enough work to help the day go by
408.  Freedom from a lingering migraine
409.  Finding my stride with my new boss

Being nice, but...

Nice people do things that I don't usually do.

They smile to people when they meet them.  I have been trying to smile more.  However, smiling to people I don't know doesn't come naturally to me.  I'm an introvert, so I avoid interaction with people when I don't have to have it.  Once I know you, I'll smile when I see you, but I have to get to know you first.

Nice people ask other people how they are doing.  I usually don't do that unless I know you and I really care how you are doing.  I think the phrase is trite and most times I really don't want to know about someone's troubles or joys.  Of course, if I care about you, that's a different story.  Then I really do care how you are doing and I will listen.

Those nice people hand out compliments quite freely.  This is a wonderful trait to have.  It's tough for me to compliment people, unless I really mean it.  I may have difficulty with this trait because I didn't receive many compliments when I was growing up.  I was criticized much more than I was complimented.  For me, if I can keep from criticizing someone and say nothing at all, I'm improving my typical situation 100%.  Btw, I have a hard time accepting compliments, as well.  All in all, I think this is an exceptional trait to have.  I'm working on handing out more compliments.  People love them.

Nice people are good listeners.  I've got to say, I'm good at this.  Unfortunately I'm super good at this.  I listen so well to people that I remember what they say.  I've discovered most people don't mean most of what they say.  When I remember what people say and then they say or do something in complete contrast to what I heard them say when I was listening to them.  I lose trust in people when this happens.  Trust, in my world, is a critical attribute.  Once it is lost, it's hard to restore it.

When you are a nice person you are confident, but humble.  People like to be around confident people.  It makes them feel secure.  I'm pretty confident.  When I'm not confident about something, I'll tell you.  Then you will know I'm going to need some assistance.  People don't like to be around egotistic people.  They are annoying.  I struggle with my confidence in my point of view, not sounding egotistical.  When or if anyone would or could think of me as egotistical, it makes me laugh.  My sole desire in life would be to be invisible.  I never want people looking at me.

Nice people offer to help or give gifts once in a while.  I'm happy to offer to help, if I can.  I mean, if I'm not too busy and can really give the help cheerfully and not resentfully.  Also, I have to be able to help and not just say I will help.  I want to be useful when I give an offer to help.  As far as giving gifts... well, sure.  I mean, if I ask someone to go to the movies with me, I'll pay.  Or if I ask someone to go for a drink with me, I'll buy a drink for them, but I'm not going to buy all the drinks.  I don't want it to seem as if I'm buying friends.  And if I'm with someone who has their hand out for gifts and money from me, under the guise of friendship.  I don't think they are being very nice.

Being nice requires politeness.  I'm a polite person.  I have manners.  I offer a seat on a bus or train to someone older or pregnant.  I wasn't born in a barn.  I hold the door for people.  I think good manners make everyone more comfortable.  The one hitch to the politeness requirement for being a nice person is that cussing is not a "nice person" quality.  I have a tendency to cuss.  This will have to change if I'm ever going to be a nice person.

Nice people don't talk about people behind their backs.  Nice people aren't gossipers.  Oh My Goodness, it's going to be hard for me to be a nice person.  I mostly don't talk about people behind their backs, but I'm happy to listen to what others have to say.  Unfortunately, I'm the kind of person that will tell you to your face the thing most people are saying behind your back.  This little trait of mine may keep me out of the nice people club forever.  I don't think it should, but I think it may.  I've always been of the mind to say what I mean, when I'm talking to someone, but don't say it mean.  But, some people don't like to hear the truth.

The nice people don't return bad behavior with bad behavior.  They just don't get down in the mud with people.  If someone is rude to a nice person, a nice person does not respond rudely.  A nice person wouldn't go all Real Housewives on you and threaten to take you to court when they are upset with you.  A nice person would invite you over for tea and clear the air with a nice chat.  Nice people are mature.  Nice people treat people like grown-ups and don't talk down to them or coddle them.  I don't like to get down in the mud, but I've been pushed into that mud a time or two.  I try to stay above the fray.  It's tough and I've been told I've been too easy on people, but I think it's the right thing to do.

Nice people treat other people the way they would like people to treat them.  If you want people to treat you with respect, be respectful.  If you want people to be kind to you, be kind to them.  I think this is a trait I can get next to.  If this is the main trait of being a nice person, then I could consider myself a nice person.  I believe in treating people the way you would like to be treated.

180.  All the nice people out there in the world
181.  My small group bible study and their willingness to tell me when I'm off the mark and set me straight
182.  The guardian angel that kept me from hitting the guy skateboarding in the middle of the road last night at 9:30 p.m.
183.  People who remind me to smile
184.  Google maps (they are so good)
185.  Knowing it's going to rain while I'm in NYC, but being OK with that, 'cause I'm going to be in NYC   

It's Tailhook time

I'm back in Reno at Tailhook.  Last year, at this same time, I wrote about how much I LOVE Tailhook.  To be completely honest, last year I had a tough time really enjoying my time at Tailhook.  I was still quite overwhelmed by the devastation we had experienced at our home by Hurricane Irene.  This year, I'm feeling much better about this trip and this experience.

I'm thinking about so many things this year.  There is something about having an annual event, like this trip to Reno, to give me an opportunity to reflect on where I am in my life.  I've been coming to Tailhook since 2005.  So this is the eighth year, in a row, I've been here.  In this city.  In this hotel.  On this exact weekend.  So much can change in eight years.

When I think back to 2005 I remember being invited to attend and work with the artist, Hank Caruso.  (if you click on the link you'll see Hank and my friend Amy, Hank's wife)  My friends were very encouraging of me getting out and developing a persona all of my own.  At this time in my life I was working part-time and mothering a high school student.  I had just returned to the work force four years earlier, but in a very part-time manner.  I still considered myself, first and foremost, a mother.  My friends knew I needed to look at myself a different way.  I needed to see who I was and what I thought about myself.  I had always had a love of Naval Aviation.  (Heck Yeah!  I was married to a career aviator.)  I had never been to 'Hook and they believed this would be a great opportunity for me to spread my wings and spend some time with myself.  Needless to say, after this first weekend away and on my own (and, my husband's deployments and business travel, not withstanding, I hadn't been "on my own" since my son was born) I had more confidence in myself and in my abilities.  I have to admit, I'm one "well cared for" woman.  When I travel with my husband, he purchases the airline tickets, he reserves the rental car, he drives to the airport, he tips the airport shuttle driver, he picks up the rental car or hails the taxi, he pays the driver and tips the hotel valet, he takes care of everything.  It's not that I can't do these things.  It's just that he does them because he's a gentleman and he believes he should take care of me.  When I traveled, on my own, to my first Tailhook those eight years ago, I had to do all those things for myself.  I not only gained more appreciation for my own abilities, but I gained appreciation for my husband's thoughtfulness.  It was a win-win.

I had a wonderful time on this weekend.  I worked.  I played.  And, I lived to tell the tale.

In fact, I told the tale so well, the next year my husband wanted to accompany me to hook in 2006. 

In 2006, attending 'Hook brought its own set of joys, as well as challenges.  This year my husband accompanied me.  This was not his first 'Hook.  He could attend this event on his own merits.  My husband is a "Tailhooker."  He has over 200 carrier landings (all successful) under his belt.  But, this year I had to find someone to keep an eye on my son.  Since I don't live near family, I had to impose on a friend.  I didn't feel as comfortable being this far from home, this time.  Even though we were only gone for four days, I didn't feel as relaxed and comfortable being away from home.  I guess I still had too much of that "mothering" stuff going on inside of me.  Even now, as I think about it, maybe I had too much need to control my son and make sure he got on the bus for school and didn't have wild parties in my home, while I was away.  No matter which it was, it was there, and it was part of my experience of 'Hook that year.  The benefit of having my husband with me was that I was well taken care of.  Besides all the benefits I've mentioned before, he brings me coffee in the morning.  I just love that about him.

I had a wonderful time.  I worked.  I played.  And, my husband took care to insure I lived to tell the tale.  (and he filled in any parts I may have not remembered due to a little adult beverage overindulgence) 

Thanks for joining me on my little reminiscent of Tailhooks past.  I'm looking forward to this year's celebration of 100 years of Marine Corp Aviation.  OohRah!

by Hank Caruso

Best of my blog: Can you play Monopoly without tears?

I’m still taking a little break from writing this week.  Here is another rerun of a favorite post you may have missed.  I watched a documentary on Monopoly called Under the Boardwalk: the Monopoly story.  There wasn't too much crying or name calling and it was very entertaining and informative.  I learned that my family isn't the only family reduced to fighting and tears in a Monopoly game.  It streams on Netflix if you want to check it out.  I'm not completely caught up on my work, so enjoy another oldie, but goody.


Not at my childhood home.  No way could a game of Monopoly go to completion without tears.  Sometimes the tears were mine.  Sometimes the tears were my brothers'.  Sometimes the gaming board was tossed and the money scattered.  Competition.  I grew up in a competitive family. 

I'm a competitive person.  I like to win.  Of course, I'm not a sore loser anymore.  I'm a grown-up now.  But, I know the feeling of Wanting To Win.  What's the point of playing the game if you don't want to win?  I know it's "just a game," but everyone wants to win.  Don't they?

I think they do.  I know some people say they don't care if they win or not.  (btw, we aren't just talking about Monopoly now)  I don't believe them.  I think it's an excuse for losing.  Or an excuse for not trying their best.  I think these same people often quit trying.  They may not scatter the money to the floor, but they walk away.  They won't play anymore.  They stop trying.  They quit.  And you know how the old saying goes, "quitters never win."

I'm reading a book recommended to me by a reader (hi Lynn).  The book is Born To Win by Muriel James.  It is full of exercises to guide you in focusing on the roles we unconsciously play out in our day to day lives.  It is teaching me about the way I relate to people without thinking and then helps me focus on my thoughts and behaviors when dealing with other people.  It is teaching me to think like a winner.  I haven't finished reading the book yet.  I will keep you posted.

My husband thinks like a winner.  Here is an example of his winning thinking.  If you've read my blog, you know we like to go to Atlantic City every now and then.  There are some very bright lights in AC that are paid for with money from losers.  Yep, LOSER'S $$.  People go to places like AC every day of the year with the attitude of losing.  They say to themselves, "I'll bring $100 (or any amount) to gamble with, and when it's gone, I'm done."  This is the attitude of a loser.  They are planning to lose.  They don't even consider winning.  They are setting themselves up to fulfill the prophesy they predict for themselves as they put the money they plan to lose in their wallets.

Winners don't think like this.  They plan to win.  Of course, it's still gambling, so there is no guarantee of winning, but they plan to win anyway.  Winners plan to gamble with a certain amount of money, as well.  Here is where the similarity stops.  Instead of gambling mindlessly, a winner will watch the fluctuation of the "luck of the draw."  They will bet more when the luck is on their side of the table and bet less when the luck has moved away.  They are playing to win.  They have an attitude of a winner.

Losers always think the winners are beating them.  Losers don't get the fact that they are defeating themselves.  No one is a born loser any more than anybody is born to win.  Losers blame and winners take responsibility.  There will always be competition in the world, but the most important place we need to play to win is in the way we live our lives.  Think like a winner.  After all, every loves a winner.

 

Btw, if you think this post is about you, it is.  Stop being such a loser.  :) 

520.  My small group bible study is just... wonderful
521.  Leftover eggplant parm, so I don't have to cook tonight
522.  Talking to my mom and hearing about a nice dream she had
523.  Continuing to catch up on work
524.  A job to have work to catch up on 

Where is the love?

Ok, I get it's all about love.  All you need is love.  Love can change the world.  The power of love.  Love don't  cost a thing.  Love grows (where my Rosemary goes).

Love.  So, to quote Telly Savalas, "Who loves ya, baby?"

Is it more loving to agree with somebody you believe is making a poor decision, a decision to do something that you know will not only be unsuccessful, but will cause incredible financial harm for their present lives and their future.  Something you wouldn't sit back and watch your own children do without warning them of .the dangers, not only for themselves, but for their family.  And you don't say anything because you know disagreeing with them will cause them to cry and break off all contact with you?  So now you have kept the relationship and you are watching this family self-destruct in front of your eyes and you smile and give them the "thumbs up" signal (Like) and say, "I'll pray for you."

Or

Is it more loving to disagree with somebody you believe is making a poor decision, not only for themselves, but for their family, and risk making them cry and break off all contact with you?  You tell them because, even though they aren't your blood relation, you are older and wiser and you know the risk and reward of the situation they want to place themselves into and you just want to warn them of these dangers.  And, you know they hate your guts, but you keep praying for them to come to their senses and act like adults, even though this isn't what they want to do.

Who is showing the love?

490.  Cooler, cloudy day with a chance of rain
491.  A bushel of tomatoes in my freezer and 25 lbs of beets in jars
492.  The good feeling of accomplishment
493.  Peaches fresh from the tree
494.  Knowing that you cannot screw up God's plan, no matter how hard you try

Who loves ya, baby?

A random act of kindness

I was smacked with a random act of kindness yesterday and I'm still smiling.  Someone, not my husband, sent me flowers.  They are gorgeous and I'm thrilled.  Tulips just happen to be my favorite flower (I wrote this in the 100 things about me post.  see the tab ^).  The card does not have a name on it, so I'm guessing whoever sent the flowers wants me to guess who they are or remain anonymous (ok by me).  The card does say "Have a joyess day!"  (I'm not sure what to make of this.  did the sender mean "have a joyous day!" and the florist misspelled "joyous?"  or, did the sender mean "have a joyless day!" and the florist forgot the "l?")  These two options mean two completely different things and could slant my response to this random act as one of kindness to a random act of not quite as much kindness.  I'm going with kindness ('cause I like to stay positive.  I'm just like that).

My husband wishes it was he that sent the flowers, 'cause he said it was a good idea.  If anyone out there wants to own up to this lovely gesture, feel free to email me.  I'd love to say thank you, in person.  The rest of you can enjoy the image.  I think I may need to pay this random act of kindness forward.  It makes for good feelings and a happy day.

did you notice how I cleaned off my desk so the pic looked nice!

452.  generous people
453.  having flowers on my desk makes the work day so much nicer
454.  checking things off my "to do" list
455.  watching a movie of my choice with my son (he only said he was bored 4 times)
456.  knowing that the work week is half over 

My normal is not... normal

I'm back from a week-long vacation with my family.  I use the term, vacation, loosely.  Seriously, are there actually people out there in the world that consider a visit with their families a vacation?  Anyway, I was with my family.  I was with my mom and dad, my three brothers and their respective wives, and all the grandchildren, plus one plus one great-grandson and one girlfriend.  The only person missing, from what we could call a family reunion, but we won't, because I was told in no uncertain terms that it wasn't, was my son.  (he says he feels bad about missing this, but I assured him he had a very good end of this stick)  I'm back and I'm back to work and I'm back to blogging and I'm hoping upon hope, I'm back to normal.

My plan was to live as if I was from a planet of goodness and light and to treat everyone as if they were from my planet.  This was a good plan, and for the most part, it worked.  You know what they say about trash talking and gossipping, you improve the situation 100% by saying nothing at all.  Saying something nice or giving a compliment is a bonus.  Let's just say, for the most part, there was 100% improvement in the way my family dealt with each other this week.  It had more than it's share of pregnant pauses, but this was much improvement over criticism and sarcasm.

I wasn't able to completely live as if I was from the planet of goodness and light.  I don't know how to do this.  What I did do was make Romans 12:3 the wallpaper of my iPhone.  "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."  Even when my brother teased me about smoking and lying about it to my mom and dad when I was in h.s.  (seriously, I quit 21 years ago)  Even when my brother teased me about playing with my phone.  (didn't he know I was reading the verse over and over again?)  Even when I feel like a fatso next to my slim sisters-in-law.  Even when I second guess myself over every move I make or comment I speak.  No mater what I did I never thought of myself more highly than I ought.  I tried, oh so hard, to think that no one was thinking of themselves more highly than they ought.

I saw people pitching in and helping make food and clean up after food was served.  I saw brothers bringing water toys for all to play with in the lake.  I saw sisters-in-law sharing clean-up help and offering help wherever needed.  I saw grandchildren playing games together and accepting each other and enjoying the games without fierce or demeaning competition.  It was a huge change for me to focus on the good and beautiful and not the flaws and ugly.  It felt good to do it.  It felt good, but it didn't feel normal.

There were so many times during this week that I reflected on the way it felt to look for the good and to overlook the mistakes.  I want this to be my normal.  I was proud of myself for letting the comment of my misspent youth roll off my back.  I forgave myself for dwelling on cake-balls that didn't turn out as pretty as was hoped.  (I got over it, but it took longer than it needed to take)  I want to be that "live and let live" kind of person.  My heart broke for my niece as her idol crush was criticized by her cousins and me.  Why do we do this?  I know my sisters-in-law saw how close she came to tears.  I wanted to tell her how proud I was of her to come back to the group when we promised to change the subject.  I saw her grapple with her feelings that night and then return the next morning with a smile on her face and embrace us without any bad feelings.

I could tell my niece and her mom of the awe I felt as I could see the change of heart my brother showed to his family and siblings.  Why couldn't I say it to him?  Instead, I only spoke to him about the moments he fell short.  I want a new normal that does the opposite.  I want to praise the progress and minimize that slips.  This is who I want to be.

I have a beautiful family.  As a family, we are abundantly blessed.  There was news of a new baby on the way.  There was positive cash flow in our corporation during tough economic times.  There was laughter and hugs and graduations and college plans and new jobs.  This is all good stuff.  This is a family that is richly blessed.  I want my normal to have the blessings be my focus.  I want my normal to let the critical comments go unheard.  We all grow at a different pace.  I want my normal to be the encourager of growth and the ignorer of missteps.  I had moments of feeling how this new normal would feel, and it feels good.  I want to give up competing with my brothers and compliment them.  I want to cover flaws with love.  My dad was very quiet this week.  I'm hoping he saw a glimpse of what the new normal can be for our family and decide it's the way he wants his normal to be, too.  I hope...

405.  Pleasant visit with family
406.  Safe travel for all of us
407.  My house didn't get hit by the giant limb (about the size of a small tree) that fell in the storm on Friday
408.  A break in the dreadfully hot weather
409.  Being welcomed home by my son
410.  I still have a job (they fired two long-time employees while I was gone, 25 and 37 years each.  this place is getting scary)

My perception can change my reality

There is no reality, there is only perception. 

I know I've blogged on this before, but perhaps because I'm such a thinker and my mind resides in the world of facts, I need to ponder this again.  There is a philosophical thought experiment that asks the question, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"  Every first-year student of philosophy will ponder this question.  We could go around and around debating the question with the principles of sound and the vibrations of air molecules bumping into one another and how this is a fact and it cannot be disputed.  Then someone else would counter with the anatomy of the human ear and it's ability to be stimulated by the bumping molecules and have those vibrations captured by the ear drum and stimulate the auditory nerves connecting to the brain.  The facts of how sound is captured are indisputable.  But are they?  If there are no ears can there be sound?  We could go around and around.

I perceive a tone of anger in my father's voice as he speaks to me on the phone.  Is it a reality?  Is it anger at me?  Maybe he is frustrated with my mother and her habit of repeating the same story over and over again or forgetting what she did 15 minutes ago.  Maybe he is scared at the thought of having all four of his children and their children and even a child of one of their children's children coming to visit at the same time.   (count 'em, 4 children + 4 spouses + 7 grandchildren + 1 grandchild-in-law + 1 great grandchild.  Yikes)  Then again, maybe he is talking loud and it's not anger and it has more to do with his hearing loss than emotion.  Or, there is the possibility it is anger and he woke up on the side of the bed that made him feel like having a fight that morning to get the juices flowing in his 83 year old body.  When all these possibilities (and I could probably come up with more) are considered, the possibility of my father actually being angry with me seems pretty egotistical.  Seriously, what makes me think it's all about me?

It's all perception, there is no reality.  If I perceive the situation as pleasant and beautiful, so it is.  If I perceive myself as being the least important of all in attendance, so it is.  If I perceive peace and love, so it is.  In the bible, Paul reminds us in Romans 12:3, "For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned."  Three things jump out at me from this verse.  The first is that I am not to think of myself too highly.  I am a person, just like everyone else.  The second is that I am to think with sober judgment.  Sober.  Not too many cocktails after dinner.  Not too many beers on the boat.  Sober.  And, third, I have been given the grace to do these things already.  I have the holy spirit inside of me.  I just need to get myself out of the way (for one week) and just be a person of no importance.  I am dying to know if I can do this. 

I read a facebook status from a woman grieving the loss of her child, allegedly at the hands of her husband.  She wrote about people telling her to withdraw from the public.  Telling her that people will try to hurt her.  There are mean people out there that just want to make her suffer further.  Her reply was that of surprise.  She said she must be from another planet because she expects people to open their doors to her and her other children.  She expects people to comfort her and give her rest and a place to stay and be with her daughters.  She said, this world of meanness isn't her world.  She is from a different world.  She realizes she is here, in this dry, cold world, but longs to return to the lush greenness of the planet she used to reside.

My goal, next week, is to be from the planet of goodness and kindness and expect hope for the same in return.  

401.  Observing a woman with faith so strong, it cannot be denied

402.  Shaking off the stress and fear

403.  Moving forward in faith and hope

404.  Taking a step to the right to change my perspective and (with grace) change my perception, therefore, changing my reality 

Linking with Em at Imperfect Prose on Thursdays.

Everything looks easy

Everything looks easy when you watch someone who knows what they are doing, doing it.  Baseball looks easy when you watch the pros play.  But it's not easy to hit a ball or throw a strike.  It takes talent and practice and sacrifice of other things to do more practice.  Taking pictures looks easy when you go to a gallery and see pictures hanging on the wall.  But it's not easy to capture the most beautiful image.  It takes talent and patience and an eye for beauty.  A beautiful image comes from taking hundreds and hundreds of pictures and learning from your mistakes.  Baking a cake looks easy.  But it's not easy to bake.  It takes patience and practice and measuring and technique.  Everything looks easy until you give it a try.  Then you discover the work it takes to do a thing well.  Then you discover the talent people have who can perform or produce or bake or build.  Everything looks easy when you watch.  It's the doing that is hard.  It is the follow through that is hard.  It is the practice something takes to do well.  It is the discipline it takes to do well.  It is the education it takes to do well.  It is the investment of time, energy, and talent.  It is the sacrifice of leisure for study.  It is the sacrifice of sleep for practice.  It is the effort put forward that allows an activity to look effortless.

Living in a free nation seems easy.  Going to sleep at night without fear of bombs seems easy.  Walking to the store or getting on the bus to go to work without the dread of a bullet seems easy.  Anticipating an election and the possibility of a change of leadership without fear of a military presence to allow this to happen, seems easy.  But it's not.  We can thank the men and women of the Coast Guard, Air Force, Marines, Navy, and Army for the ease we feel in our nation.  Happy Memorial Day everyone.  I hope you had an opportunity to thank a service member and pray for the families of those members serving you today.

301.  The talented men and women serving our nation abroad
302.  The talented men and women serving our nation at home
303.  A day to honor those men and women that gave the ultimate sacrifice
304.  Freedom
305.  The police, fire, and emergency responders serving in our communities every day.

Five more ways to facebook like a grownup

I told you I'd post five more tips later this week.  Here it is, later this week and here are five more tips on facebooking like a grownup.

Number 6.  Hide from friends in Facebook Chat
There's bound to be a few people you'd rather not chat with on Facebook.  Appearing to be offline to certain friends is simple.  Just click on that person's name in the chat window, as if you were about to start a chat, click the gear icon for options and select go off-line.  Viola, you are invisible.

What Number 6 should really say.  Stay offline for Facebook Chat – all the time!
Never, and I mean NEVER allow yourself to be seen on Facebook Chat.  There is a huge difference between the voyeurism you desired when accepting friends and actually interacting with them on Facebook Chat.  Those old high schoolmates you haven't seen in 20 or 30 years... yeah, you're going to vividly remember why you haven't kept in touch.

Number 7.  Pre-approve all tags
First of all, you know what tagging is, right?  Tagging is when you are linked to friends pictures and other things.  You can set your Facebook account to require pre-approval before any tagged content appears on your timeline.  Select "Privacy Settings" from the drop-down menu on the top-right of your Facebook page. Next to "Timeline and Tagging," click on "Edit Settings."  Look down for "Review posts friends tag you in before they appear on your Timeline" and "Review tags friends add to your own posts on Facebook" and set these both to "on."

What Number 7 should say (because most of you don't even know what tagging is).  Don't 'like' your own status update
This doesn't happen often, but it happens more often than it should.  This happens when the poster is extremely pleased with the status or comment they have posted.  When you 'like' yourself, it's a bit like..., well..., showing everybody how MUCH you like yourself.  This isn't something anyone wants to see.

Number 8.  Hide annoying content from your newsfeed
You can control what appears on your news feed.  From the homepage, click on the pencil icon that appears when you hover over "News Feed," and select "Edit settings."  You can hide posts coming into your news feed from certain people, certain apps and certain pages.
  
This is what Number 8 should really say.  Don't link Facebook to your Twitter account

First of all, it will make all your "friends" hate you.  If they wanted to see the blow by blow of your day through your Twitter musings, they'd follow your tweets.  Secondly, they won't follow your tweets.  Your real friends are adults and they have no idea how to use Twitter or set up an account.

Number 9.  Create a secret group
You can create a secret Facebook group that only you, and the friends you choose, can view. It's a way to share content with a select few.  To start your secret group, click "More" next to the "Groups" area on your homepage.  Select "Create Group" on the next page that loads.  Once you've named your group, choose an icon from the drop-down menu, add friends and then check the "secret" option.

I was just kidding with ^, here is the real Number 9.  Get it into your head that your child is not special
Please don't post daily pics of the darling.  We know what a baby looks like.  Please don't post every drawing or chicken scratch they have produce in school or unschool or art class.  We don't need to hear about how miraculously intelligent you believe your spawn to be.  These comments are just making the rest of us hate you.  There will be much rejoicing when we see their names printed in the police ledger of the local paper.

Number 10.  Upload images in high quality
Facebook's default photo upload functionality is not high resolution.  If you want to ensure your images are the best quality possible, always check the "High Quality" box as you upload.  It will take a little longer, but the better images should be worth the wait.

Seriously?  Again with the pictures?  The real Number 10.  Don't friend your Facebook friends' kids
I'm not giving you this tip because it will inhibit your behavior on Facebook.  I'm not giving you this tip because you will have to edit your status updates and mind your manners with the comments.  I'm giving you this tip because all eaters under 25 are, most likely, idiots.  You are a grown-up (remember?).  You are NOT friends with your friends' kids.  No way, no how.

Good luck playing on the Facebook and having your day sucked away.  Enjoy everyone of your friends' vaca pictures and all their political rantings (after all, it is an election year).  I hope some of these tips will afford you an even more enjoyable Facebook experience.  (btw, remember to click on those ads.  my son just bought 100 shares of FB)

280.  Taking a nap after work
281.  Hearing about an answered prayer
282.  A little lime in my green juice
283.  Getting caught up with my work

Five ways to Facebook better

Did you see how I made Facebook into a verb.  Isn't it funny the things we can do with language now?  No, I know it's not.  First of all, I was wrong.  (my husband is going to love seeing this in print)  Facebook did not soar to $74.50 on the NASDAQ.  In fact, it was kept, artificially, at the initial pricing of $38 to keep from looking like a flop.  Today is a new day and FB is trading down $4.50.  Hey, maybe this is the buying opportunity you were hoping for.  I'll let you know when I take the plunge.

Secondly, what I really want to talk about is how to do Facebook better.  Maybe I should have titled this post, "How to Facebook like a grownup."  Whatever.  Here are five ways to do fb better.  I have 10, but we'll start with five and see how it goes.

Number 1.  If you want to look at photos on fb, view them full screen.
Click on the image to make it big, then click the x in the top right-hand corner to close it.  Easy peasy.

Alternate Number 1.  Don't post so many pictures.
Seriously.  Be a little more choosy with the pics.  We don't need to see every second of your vacation or your night out with the girls.  (but if you get very drunk, by all means, keep 'em coming)

Number 2.  Hide what you are reading (or playing around with) on fb.
If you like the new social reading apps, but don't want to broadcast to the world what you read on your coffee break, adjust the settings accordingly.

A better Number 2.  Stop sending game requests.
If you don't want everyone to know how you are wasting your day at work or home, when you're supposed to be taking care of the kiddies, STOP, for the love of Mike, sending the Words w/ Friends, and Treasure of Whatever, and Chocolate Hearts.  Just stop it.

Number 3.  Create lists based on your interests.
You can organize your friends and groups on the left hand side of your fb page into lists of specific interests.  This way you can check a list instead of perusing your entire newsfeed.

WAY better than Number 3.  Stop adding people to your Facebook that are not your real friends.
You don't have 1,856 friends.  Seriously, you don't.  A friend is someone who will loan you five bucks from time to time.  If you have this many friends, in real life, no wonder you are on fb all day and not working.  I'm guessing you are bumming money from them and depositing the loot in that off-shore account.  What, in the heck, is with all the friends.

Number 4.  Populate your new fb map with pics.
This will make your map much more interesting.  When you add your cover photo just click on the option "add photos to map."

Alternate and better Number 4.  Stop with the vague and needy status updates.
Grow up. You're not a 14 year old girl.  If you're going to update your status with cryptic or "woe is me" messages to try to garner a BUNCH of comments and responses, don't.  When you post, "does anyone really care? I think not." most people would rather unfriend you, than respond.  Grow up, already.

Number 5.  Reposition the photos on your timeline.
If you want your timeline to look as lovely as possible, you can fine tune how your images appear.  If an image is off-center or you can't see the main focus of the photo, reposition it to look better.  Click the "Edit or Remove" pencil icon on the top-right and select "Reposition Photo." Click and drag it until it's in a better position.

OMGoodness, there has to be a better Number 5.  (if you've got this kind of time on your hands and you're pissing it away repositioning photos on fb, I don't know if there is any hope for you AT ALL)  However, here is a better option.  Learn to spell.
You are an adult, for Pete's sake.  Don't to this, "Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! LOVE YOU TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Everything is unfolding SOOOOOOO magically ANYthing and EVERYthing IS possible :))))))))) weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."  And, if you mean "you are" it's spelled "you're."  Take some time out of your day to practice spelling and writing like a grown-up.

If you find anything of use in this post, please let me know.  I'll post five more tips later this week.  :)

263.  After missing two weeks of my small group bible study, they called to see if I was ok
264.  I still have a job after a two week vaca
265.  Ton's of work to make the day FLY by
266.  Back to blogging
267.  I still fit in my pants after two weeks of doing nothing, but resting and eating
268.  Being missed by my son
269.  Missing my son

I didn't win the writing contest

Nope.  I didn't win.  I entered a humorous writing contest back in March.  (I told you about it here)  I didn't really expect to win, but it always feels a little bit bad to be a loser, doesn't it.  At least, I think it should feel a little bad to lose.  You know how much I like to be a winner.  :)

Actually, I didn't deserve to win.  I didn't really put all that much effort into my submission.  I hope the person that won the contest worked very hard on their submission.  I hope they did what I didn't do.  I wrote the first draft of my submission as a blog post.  I think I may have put a half an hour or 40 minutes of time into the piece.  The first draft was about 550 words.  The contest rules said the submission was to be between 1000 and 2000 words.  I knew, to meet the requirements, I had to flesh out my piece.  I procrastinated and procrastinated.  I hope the winner took his first draft and rewrote and edited it over and over until he had a tight, funny piece.  I did what losers do.  I took my first draft and added to it.  I edited it for spelling and grammar, but I didn't tighten the piece into a proper essay.  In fact, if I did anything, I edited the funny right out of it with my halfhearted addition.  I hope the winner took his essay to others and had them read it and critique it.  I hope he took the suggestions or criticism to heart and used it to improve his work.  I asked a couple people to read my work.  Then I didn't make any changes regarding the critiques.  In fact, one of my readers said, "it's not very funny."  (Yeah, I kinda knew that)

I learned a lot from this experience.  I learned I can do exactly the same thing other losers do.  I can give a half-assed effort just like they do.  I will lose, just like they do.  Winners WORK for it.  I knew this, but the experience of losing drove it home.  I am glad I know where I failed.  I am glad I know what I can to to improve.  I am glad I don't feel like I deserved to win and was cheated in any way.  And, for pete's sake, I'm glad I'm not a crybaby about it. 

The bible talks about giving your best effort in all you do in both the old testament and the new testament.  In Proverbs 13:4 it says, "The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied."  I got nothing.  I was the sluggard (lazy person).  In Colossians 3:23-24 it says, "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward.  You are serving the Lord Christ."  I certainly didn't work heartily (the opposite of halfhearted) and I didn't work as if I was working for the lord.  In fact, I don't do that very often, if at all.  If I want to improve my writing, I have to start working on it.  I'm not looking for reward or praise.  I'm looking for the satisfaction of a job well done.

I'm joining Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursdays today.  Don't be mislead when reading Em's work and all the wonderful blogs linked to her today.  Good writers make it look easy.  It's not.  They've worked hard on their posts.  Enjoy the blogs from some very good writers here today.  I thank her for allowing me to add my imperfect effort to the group.

Today I'm grateful for
159.  The April showers that bring May flowers
160.  The joy that comes from making the perfect risotto
161.  Taking the opportunities to be helpful
162.  An invitation to a friend's son's college graduation party
163.  Jojoba oil

 

After you say never and then, do it

Thanks for all the comments on my hiking trip post.  The telling of this story has been in me for a long time and I was glad to finally get it out there.  Here's the rest of the story.

The police officers wished us a pleasant evening as they escorted us to our car and sent us on our way.  My husband, being the generous guy he is, invited the officers to join us for dinner at our hotel and gave them his business card.  They didn't take us up on the offer, but it was a nice gesture.  It was a good thing for me they didn't take us up on the offer.  After the adrenaline rush of riding in a helicopter and being rescued, I was tired.  I was tired in a way I had never been so tired before.

We were at the Tailhook convention in Reno, NV.  One reason we are at the Tailhook convention is because I work at a booth with the artist, Hank Caruso.  I was supposed to be working with Hank while I was walking around in the desert.  I was late.  In my typical ISTJ, duty fulfiller character, I went to my hotel room, got cleaned up and dressed, and got my butt down to our booth.  I went to work.  There is definitely something wrong with me.  I could barely sit in the chair.  I was in a trance.  It was almost too much effort to focus my eyes.  Hank asked me how I was doing.  I debated the question in my head for longer than this question needed thought.  What was I going to say?  I didn't want to embarrass my husband.  When we got into our hotel room to clean up, my husband suggested we keep this story to ourselves.  After all, he could have walked out of the desert without any problem.  I was the one in need of rescue.  After giving this suggestion some thought, he changed his mind.  He decided it was my story to share with other or keep to myself.  At the time of Hank's question, I hadn't made up my mind.  Hank went to the bar and got me a beer.  After all, we were at Tailhook and there is a LOT of beer at Tailhook.  I couldn't stomach the beer.

With a beer going warm on the table and my near inability to stay upright while sitting in a chair, I decided to tell Hank my story.  He was satisfactorily surprised and concerned.  I guess that was the response I was looking for.  Nevertheless, I was relieved of my duties at the booth and I went up to the room and straight to bed.  Stick a fork in me.  I was done.  Nothing held my interest.  My husband tried to feed me.  No interest.  All I wanted was water and sleep.  I was asleep by 7:00 p.m.  Hooray!

The next morning I was up and "at 'em" and ready to work.  It's amazing what 12 hours of sleep can do for a body.  I felt completely restored.  I was hungry and ready for breakfast.  Sweet recovery.  And then I ran into some friends.  Friends that hike.  Serious hikers.  They have special hats and backpacks and backpack bladders for water that have a flexible straw that they can keep in their mouths and drink water continuously.  Serious.  So, she asked me how my hike went.  Suddenly, I BURST into tears.  Nobody was more surprised by those tears than I was.  What the heck was going on with me?  Why was I crying?  I guess the very scary, I had to be rescued, hike in the desert had upset me more than I thought it did.  So what did I do next?

I planned a hike for Sunday afternoon.  My hiker friend was determined to get me "back on the horse" and go on another hike.  We went to Lake Tahoe and did a hike up Mt. Rose.  It was gorgeous.  There were trees and lots of shade.  It was a three mile hike up to a waterfall and three miles back down to our cars.  My husband brought six bottles of water.  Let me tell you this,... if my husband had not brought one drop of water, we wouldn't have gone thirsty.  If I asked every person I passed, up and down the Mt. Rose trail for a sip of water, I wouldn't have been thirsty in the least.  This was one well traveled trail.  Men, women, old ladies, old men, children, dogs, you name it.  Everyone was hiking on Sunday afternoon.  Hiking, as in real estate, is location, location, location.  And, Sundays are busier than Thursdays.  Live and learn.

Even though my friend got me back on the trail right away, I haven't hiked again.  Well, maybe a little in Sedona, AZ, but not too much.  I may get back into it, someday.  I'm going to have to see if this is what I want to do.  The end.

58.  Good friends
59.  Interesting work to do
60.  Fresh fruits and vegetables
61.  Overnight shipping for office supplies
62.  What the heck, Office Supplies.  Who doesn't like office supplies
63.  Text messaging
64.  My bible study small group

Being happy is super important

Is it important to be happy?

I've heard some people say they don't think it is important to be happy.  I've heard people say it isn't worth the effort to try to be happy.  I beg to differ. 

Yahoo answers most popular answer says:

Happiness is the greatest sensation we can feel. Man has always striven to feel happy and almost everything we do now as a society is so that we can feel happy as individuals. Being in a sate of happiness puts less stress on our bodies and can even bring us better health. Generally, happy people live healthier and even live longer. The need to feel happy is what keeps our world in check and out of a state of total chaos and mass destruction.

I think it is pretty important to be happy.  I certainly think it's worth striving to be happy.  I absolutely believe happiness is within our grasp.  And being happy is certainly better than being unhappy.

Some misconceptions about the pursuit of happiness are that other people can make you happy.  Or, money can make you happy.  Or, things can make you happy.  I don't believe anything or any person can make you happy.  As far as distinguishing happiness from joy?  Well, I think this is an exercise in semantics.  I don't think a person who considers themselves unhappy would say they are joyful.  I think happiness is a decision I make every day.  I find happiness in my life every day, because, every day, I find purpose in my life.  I think a life devoid of purpose can be a very unhappy existence.  Maybe this is why some cannot find happiness and therefore, minimize its value.

In Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl speaks of focusing on what is possible.  He says to focus on the great things you can do and don't think about the things that are making you unhappy.  Don't focus on the haunting dark thoughts, but focus on the dozen great things that are possible for you.  These great things will be your creations.  These creations will only be possible if you create them.  You create the great things in your life.  This is one of the ways man can produce meaning in his life.  Frankl says, when the emotions work in terms of values, the individual can feel pure joy.  Man needs to have meaning in his life to feel the happiness we all desire.  Frankl's experience while imprisoned during the Holocaust taught him it was the striving and struggling towards a goal worthy of him that gave him the sense of well being that a tensionless life could not.

Being happy is good for us, physically.  We feel better when we are happy.  Laughing is good for the body, as well as the soul.  Studies have shown that happy people are less likely to catch a cold when exposed to a cold virus.  Happy people are also less likely to catch the influenza virus.  Amazing.

Happy people make the world a better place.  Happy people are less likely to be criminals.  Even happy people with weak characters or poor values are less likely to harm other individuals or engage in anti-social behavior.  If more people chose to pursuit happiness, the world would be a better place.  I think our founding fathers understood this concept.  They put it in the Declaration of Independence as an unalienable right endowed on us by our creator.

I think the Yahoo answer guy got it right.  Being happy is super important.  It's worth the effort.

Can you play Monopoly without tears?

Not at my childhood home.  No way could a game of Monopoly go to completion without tears.  Sometimes the tears were mine.  Sometimes the tears were my brothers'.  Sometimes the gaming board was tossed and the money scattered.  Competition.  I grew up in a competitive family. 

I'm a competitive person.  I like to win.  Of course, I'm not a sore loser anymore.  I'm a grown-up now.  But, I know the feeling of Wanting To Win.  What's the point of playing the game if you don't want to win?  I know it's "just a game," but everyone wants to win.  Don't they?

I think they do.  I know some people say they don't care if they win or not.  (btw, we aren't just talking about Monopoly now)  I don't believe them.  I think it's an excuse for losing.  Or an excuse for not trying their best.  I think these same people often quit trying.  They may not scatter the money to the floor, but they walk away.  They won't play anymore.  They stop trying.  They quit.  And you know how the old saying goes, "quitters never win."

I'm reading a book recommended to me by a reader (hi Lynn).  The book is Born To Win by Muriel James.  It is full of exercises to guide you in focusing on the roles we unconsciously play out in our day to day lives.  It is teaching me about the way I relate to people without thinking and then helps me focus on my thoughts and behaviors when dealing with other people.  It is teaching me to think like a winner.  I haven't finished reading the book yet.  I will keep you posted.

My husband thinks like a winner.  Here is an example of his winning thinking.  If you've read my blog, you know we like to go to Atlantic City every now and then.  There are some very bright lights in AC that are paid for with money from losers.  Yep, LOSER'S $$.  People go to places like AC every day of the year with the attitude of losing.  They say to themselves, "I'll bring $100 (or any amount) to gamble with, and when it's gone, I'm done."  This is the attitude of a loser.  They are planning to lose.  They don't even consider winning.  They are setting themselves up to fulfill the prophesy they predict for themselves as they put the money they plan to lose in their wallets. 

Winners don't think like this.  They plan to win.  Of course, it's still gambling, so there is no guarantee of winning, but they plan to win anyway.  Winners plan to gamble with a certain amount of money, as well.  Here is where the similarity stops.  Instead of gambling mindlessly, a winner will watch the fluctuation of the "luck of the draw."  They will bet more when the luck is on their side of the table and bet less when the luck has moved away.  They are playing to win.  They have an attitude of a winner.

Losers always think the winners are beating them.  Losers don't get the fact that they are defeating themselves.  No one is a born loser any more than anybody is born to win.  Losers blame and winners take responsibility.  There will always be competition in the world, but the most important place we need to play to win is in the way we live our lives.  Think like a winner.  After all, every loves a winner.

 

Btw, if you think this post is about you, it is.  Stop being such a loser.  :) 

Sorting my thoughts

I was going to call this post scattered thoughts, but I think I'm really sorting through my thoughts and attempting to find some kind of order.

I realize my train of thought has been all over the place this month.  First I blog about confrontation and my inability to people please.  Then I blog about Groundhog Day and the transformation from self-absorption to generosity of spirit.  Then I swing over to prayer and wonder if saying "I'll pray for you" has any meaning behind it or not.  Finally, I find myself back to admitting I am opinionated and have a tendency to "call people on their sh*t." 

I'm evidently doing a bit of soul searching.  This is something I love about blogging.  It allows me to see exactly what is going through in my head, typed on the computer screen.  It's the age-old push and pull between being assertive and being a doormat.  Between being liked and asserting my will.  Between being who I am and being who I should be.  Between being a strong woman or being a good girl.  Between acting like a Christian or not.

I feel like I've been sorting through a lot of stuff in my head.  I think most of what I'm thinking about stems from my recent visit with my parents.  I struggle with how much of my father I see in myself.  I struggle with the fear of my needing to be RIGHT to go so far as to disregard actual facts.  I sometimes have thoughts go through my head that make me think to myself, "dang, that's just what my father would think or say."  Since I think my dad is acting more curmudgeonly and more curmudgeonly, this scares me, A LOT.

I had a chat with a co-worker the other day.  She was saying how she wished she could be more like me and tell people exactly what she thought of them.  This comment was in the vein of letting people know when they were acting stupid or being inconsistent in their thought processes.  I didn't take it as a compliment.  I worry about this personality trait.  Don't get me wrong, this co-worker wasn't incorrect in her assessment of the situations in which she wanted to respond and let people know what she was thinking.  She was spot-on.  She chose to say nothing.  Now, maybe this was better for the individuals with the inconsistent thought process and inconsistency in their actions, but she's building an unhealthy load of resentment.  It makes me wonder.  Is my dilemma regarding my ability to speak out as unhealthy for me as the resentment that would build in me if I refrained from speaking out?   I mean, I often make these comments with a touch of humor or sarcasm, and people laugh, but they know I mean it.  Anyway, the workplace is not the area of my life I worry about.  Seriously, these are just the people I work with.  When I leave this position my leaving will have the exact same impact as the one left from pulling your finger out of a bucket of water.  There will be no trace.

I am most concerned with my ability to make and keep friendships.  I see my father and his dearth of friendships.  Granted, my dad is old and a lot of his friends have died, but not everyone.  I watch him push people as far away as possible.  I see him isolate himself at home, with my mom and resenting my mom's desire to socialize.  I don't want this to be my future.  I see my father push family away, including my brother.  I already have difficulty engaging with my son.  I don't want this to be my future.  I want a good relationship with my son.

I think I need to reinforce some of the things I know I have difficulty doing and, as the Nike ad says, Just Do It.  I need to smile more.  I need to practice kindness.  I remember at Christmastime I was really enjoying the things I was doing for the shoebox project and the families our small group supported with gifts and food.  Doing things like this really brought out my soft side.

I certainly hope I'm not fighting my DNA.  I certainly hope I can scrape away enough the curmudgeon growing inside of me to allow the gifts of the Holy Spirit shine through.  I know they are in there.

I will leave you with a link to my favorite crabby old man blog, The Problem With Young People Today.  If I knew I would age to be a curmudgeon with a wit like his, I'd be glad for it to happen.  Don is hilarious. 

Don Mills

Smiles

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world." Robert Louis Stevenson

This is the quote I've chosen to focus on in the year 2012.  The DUTY of being happy.  This is certainly a different way of thinking about happiness.  Being happy as a duty.  As a result of being happy we benefit the world.  This is a huge concept.  It certainly takes the focus off of me, doesn't it.  I always thought that being happier would benefit ME.  I would have a better life.  I would be a more positive person.  I would move through this life with a more pleasant countenance.  I never thought of it as a duty.  I never thought of my happiness being a benefit to the world.

When I first read this quote it gave me pause.  The idea of being happy to benefit others went against my idea of what happiness was.  The first thing I thought was there couldn't be any truth to this statement.  How could my happiness benefit anyone else?  I first thought of the converse of this statement.  Can my unhappiness harm the world?  The only thing that came to mind to disprove this theory was the old adage. "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized the person being resented isn't the person you come into contact on a day to day basis.  In fact, you are most likely to avoid the person you have resentments against.  And they are likely to avoid you, as well.  The people exposed to my unpleasant attitude of unhappiness haven't done anything at all to deserve being in contact with it.

I thought about people I meet who seem happy.  People who smile more than they don't smile.  These people have the ability to draw a smile out of me.  It may only last a moment, but the smile comes to my face.  I've been practicing smiling this year.  I have a little smiley face stuck to my computer monitor.  I take a few minutes out of each day, look at the smiley face and smile.  I typically start feeling a happier feeling.  Even though I'm just smiling and I've NOTHING to smile about, I feel happy.  In fact, I often remember a joke or have a recollection of a pleasant experience while I'm smiling.  I've come to the conclusion that I can trick myself into thinking I'm happy, just by smiling. 

One more thing happens while practicing this endeavor.  I enjoy practicing this smiling exercise when someone comes into my office.  I try to notice if my smiling face causes the visitor to smile, as well.  It's especially fun to see someone who was previously not smiling develop a smile on their face.  Maybe this is considered the benefit?  Maybe by encouraging another human being to smile I am benefiting that person.

This is as far as I've gotten in the experience of my happiness benefiting the world.  I'll start in my little office in a small liberal arts college in the mid-Atlantic.  I'll start smiling at a lot of people I don't feel I have very much in common with.  I'll continue the practice of putting a smile on my face.  Even though this exercise doesn't come naturally to me, I believe it is worth the effort.

Normal has returned

The final project in the restoration of my home was completed today.  It feels good to have the walls and ceilings and windows sound again.  It's good to have this all behind me.  I still have to finish putting a few of the odds and ends back into place.   But, for all intents and purposes, normal has returned to my house.  This experiences held so many lessons for me.  There is nothing like having your home, your sanctuary, invaded.  It teaches you about yourself and what you can do.

I've learned I have a strength I wasn't sure I possessed.  I'm strong enough to carry five gallon buckets of water from the attic to the bathroom all night long.  I'm strong enough to deal with insurance companies and mortgage companies who don't want to give me my money.  I'm strong enough to push my son to take action when he is paralyzed with fear.  I know I'm not the person saying quit, but the person saying persevere.  It's good to know.

I learned I'm the person who trusts my husband.  I don't have to double check his work.  I know he will do whatever is necessary to get the job done.  He spent hours (I'm not kidding or exaggerating in regard to this) on the phone with the mortgage company.  They did not want to give us our insurance money.  I think my husband learned to have confidence in me, too.

I learned I can make decisions, and then be satisfied with my decisions.  I know this may not sound like much, but for me it is.  I have a huge fear of not being to make decisions in my life.  I observed my mom and her mother, my grandmother, have difficulty making decisions in their lives.  I've had a few experiences in my life with buyer's remorse and it scared me.  I don't want to be the person that cannot make up her mind.  This experience offered opportunity after opportunity to make decisions and choices.  I rose to the challenge.  I made decision after decision without hesitation.  There are some things I'm happier with than others, but, you know what, it doesn't matter to me.  I'm not fretting over the roof being a bit lighter gray than I'd hoped.  I'm not upset the window is a half an inch taller than it should have been.  It's done.  The fact of the matter is, nobody but me will ever know the difference.

We've still got a few trees leaning this way and that way.  They will be taken care of in due time.  Normal has returned.  Life is good.