Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'm a secretary

I tried to write a haiku today and there was nothing.  I'm not going to search for some sad way to say how rain and the crappy way I've been feeling lately are related.  I'm not going to pour my self-pity into 17 syllables and think my anger will drop from my shoulders like a too-warm sweater.  It just won't work for me that way.  I'm struggling in a situation of needing to get something from someone.  I need to be validated.  I need to be told it wasn't my fault.  I'm not going to get this from the person I need to get it from.  I've gotten the validation from coworkers, husband, friends and even a therapist.  It's just not as satisfying as getting it from the person that "wronged"  me.  And I keep going back to the thing that makes me mad.  "You've got to push them to do better, happygirl."  This is something I don't have the authority to do.  "Use my authority, happygirl."  You never back me up.  You ask me to make meetings to discuss the issues with the appropriate people, I schedule the meetings, then, JUST when the meeting date draws near you tell me to cancel.  Subject dropped.  No resolution.  No confrontation.

NO CONFRONTATION, on your part.

But, you're happy to ask me to do your confronting for you.  I'm saying NO in my head.  I've even said NO out loud to you.  But, you know my nature is to be confrontational.  You know it is not difficult for me as it is for you.  This is a part of my personality I'm trying to change.  You don't know that.  You don't care about changes I'm looking to make in my life.  You just want me to be the tool you don't have in your personal toolbox.  You know the economy is tough.  You know jobs are hard to find.  You will use me until I break.  Then you will replace me.  In the nine years we've worked together, haven't I earned some respect?  I know "work is work" and "all in eight", but I would like to enjoy the eight hours each day I am away from the home I love.


9 comments:

  1. Ohhhh yes, I know that feeling! Actually, for a few lines there I thought you were talking about my own boss. Who I generally respect greatly, but sometimes acts exactly like this. I wish I had something comforting to say to you but nothing comes to mind. I just hope that some resolution comes or that your heart calms down in the right way or at the right time.....

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  2. ugh. i used to be the hatchet man at one point...if a manager could not fire someone they sent me in...it sucked. i had no attachment to the person...ugh.

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  3. oh, this is such a miserable spot in which to find yourself. i'm sorry this has been going on for so long--like katie, i hope for resolution for you, and for an extra reserve of strength and calm in the meantime. hang in there.

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  4. So how about trying a long walk and then yoga, and THEN treating yourself to a solid mix drink the top off what all of a sudden became a good evening? ;)

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  5. oh friend...

    i hope this situation resolves... and that you are able to fall in love with this place away from home...

    i so appreciate you.

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  6. I don't think it is bad to have a confrontational nature. Maybe, if more of us would say NO right up front there would be the muck and mire as people avoid...and try and always be comfortable.

    Gloria

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  7. I had a co-worker do this. I just stopped responding. I used silence. I stepped back. I let her talk and did not respond. I did not engage. I am highly confrontational and trying to learn different ways to channel that. This is one that worked for me. You can't change your boss but you do get to decide how/when to engage in his foolishness. Also brush up on your written job description. You may need it if/when you respectfully draw boundaries with him. Just a few suggestions.

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  8. Thanks Joybird. I'm working very hard on this and your advice is sage.

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