Sunday, February 27, 2011

Sarcasm is my superpower

I wish my superpower was invisibility.  Then I wouldn't have to worry about my weight or my wrinkles or my roots growing out.  And people wouldn't ask me questions or bother me while I was working.  I could be home and no one would ask me to do anything for them, because they couldn't see me reading my book or playing on the computer or listening to music.  I think those things are "doing something" in contrast to the thoughts of my husband and son.

I wish my superpower was super-speed.  Then I could get all the chores done around the house super-fast.  I could get the laundry done, folded, ironed and put away.  I could get the grocery shopping done so fast.  I could cook, serve and clean-up all the meals at the speed of light.  I could vacuum and dust and mop the floor with lightning speed.  I would have time to read my book or blog or work on ebay stuff.

I wish my superpower was flying.  Then I could go to the mall or to the city.  I could leave my little stripmall suburb and go to an art gallery or a museum and not have to stay in a hotel.  I could go to another part of the country for vacation without having to go through the TSA security and take my shoes off and buy new shampoo and lotion when I get to my destination.  I would be able to take my eyebrow tweezers with me.  I could visit my mom and dad and not feel I had to make it a 4-day weekend.

I wish my superpower was a soundproof forcefield.  Then I could go to the grocery store or big box store or the library or a restaurant or ANYWHERE without having to hear everyone's phone conversations.  I could be alone with my thoughts while I was in the dentist office waiting for my appointment instead of listening to Loudmouth Suzie on the phone with her girlfriend or Businessman Joey closing the deal.

I wish my superpower was super-strength.  Then I would feel powerful.  I would know I was stronger than those perky size 6's at the gym.  I would feel invincible at the office.  I would be able to open the pickle jar without asking my husband.  I wouldn't have to wait for someone to help me move the couch or table to vacuum or mop up the messes.

I wish my superpower was mind reading.  Then I would be able to understand what in the world makes people do and say the things they do and say.  I would know what in the world my husband is talking about.  I would know what my boss wants me to do.  I would know why my "friend" has blocked me on facebook.  I would know WHAT THE HECK my son is THINKING.

Unfortunately, my superpower is sarcasm.  And sometimes people don't get it.  Sometimes they think I'm being mean.  Come on people, get a sense of humor, for pete's sake.  No really, sarcasm is a lousy superpower.  I'm ready to find my kryptonite and and lose this power.  I think I want the superpower that allows me to say something kind at an appropriate time.  Or, if I can't do that, say nothing at all and smile politely.

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  1. Your superpower is making me smile on E Blogger. I soooo love this post. Can I post a link to my facebook? I think it would make a lot of others smile too. Smile politely and think of that Happy Girl!

  2. Sure Elaine, I'd be so Happy to have you share.

  3. hmmmn, i think that might be my superpower, too. and are we not allowed to bring tweezers on planes? because i think i smuggle mine through security every time. (maybe THAT'S why i'm always picked for the icky scanner thing. aha.)

  4. smiles. i used to speak my mind a lot more...just tell you what i think...had to scale that back a lot...hmmm...superpower, wish mine was to heal others...

  5. Brian - Wow, what a great power that would be.

  6. Long as you use your powers for good, sarcasm's as good as any!

  7. Wow, tattytiara you are AWESOME. Can you be my best friend and say things like this to me every day!!! THANKS

  8. You're funny and sarcastic. I think it makes a good combination.

  9. From one snarky girl to another, this is a tough superpower to wield well. I've had some tough lessons and regrets. As well as, to be honest, some wildly funny moments.

    And yes, reading, watching tv, typing on the laptop counts as doing something, regardless of how other family members view apparent availability.

  10. I love me a bit of sarcasm, so don't go getting rid of it altogether ;)

  11. ha! I love this post because I could relate to it so well myself! yeah, those would be some pretty neat superpowers to have and practical too, if I may add! your three things - reading, blogging, listening to music - that you translate as "doing something" is absolutely correct, all joking aside. we need, each day, to find that something that we find relaxing and enjoyable and dedicate some time to it if we are to stay sane!

    i'm so glad i found your blog thru imperfect prose.

  12. Sarcasm gets us in so much trouble. Thanks for posting this link on my 160.

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