For better or worse, but not for lunch

There is a saying (and I think there are even books with the title) I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.  This is something I've heard said in my association with my friends that are reaching retirement age.

Retirement, they say, can be rough on a marriage.

In my experience... they are right.

I remember back, waaaaay back (in December 2011), I saw a facebook status of a young mother claiming she wished her husband didn't have to go to work, EVER!  I took a few rough comments on this blog post, as well as getting blocked on facebook by the woman that posted the facebook status.  Well, let me tell you, it's not as great as you think it will be. 

First of all, believe it or not, your spouse is living their own life.  They are not hanging on a hook waiting to see what you would like them to do.  I only mention this because I think this would have been news to the woman that posted the facebook status. 

In my experience my husband left his job a year and a half before I lost my job.  He no longer calls himself a retired person.  He now calls himself a full-time student.  Anyway, the point is that he was home, by himself, quite a while before I was home, all day, with him.  He had settled into a nice little routine.  When I started being home, all day, with him he didn't adjust to the disruption of his schedule very well.  Sure, the first few weeks were fine.  I'd even go so far as to call them fun.  I applied for unemployment.  He didn't think I would qualify.  I did qualify.  He was surprised.  That gave us something to talk about for a week or two.  We interacted.  He spent a little time with me.

Then..., he wanted to get back to his routine.  And..., he wanted me to get a routine.

And I didn't have one yet.

On Monday my husband told me my vacation was OVER and I needed to start DOING something.  Hilarious.  He said a bunch of other equally hilarious things that weren't very nice, but meant to motivate me.

I think he forgot that, just like him, I'm living my own life.  Unfortunately for him, my life includes spending time blogging, reading blogs, working on the bible study I'm putting together for my small group, and... sometimes watching Real Housewives.  I think it was the housewives that put him over the edge.  I try to watch more CNBC than Housewives, but sometimes I just gotta have me some Housewives.  The other thing, I think, he has an issue with is my development of a sedentary lifestyle.  He wants me to exercise.  So, as I said on Monday, I broke through that barrier and started walking around the neighborhood.  It's a start.

For better or worse, I love my husband.  We will learn to spend our days together in the same house.  I know we can do it.  I don't need to talk to him all day.  I don't need him to help me do the things I need to do each week, like look for a job.  I don't need him to shame me into exercising.  My friends that have retired have told me that it's important to watch out for weight gain.  Being home all day can allow someone to be a little too close to the refrigerator.  Dangerous.

So, for better or worse, I will learn to be home all day with my husband.  I will look for two jobs each week, and I will go for walks around the neighborhood 4 (or 3) times each week.  I can do this thing.

For better or worse

547.  Working in the garden
548.  Going to lunch with a friend
549.  Hot tea when I feel the sniffles coming on
550.  Having a husband who loves me enough to accept me for who I am
551.  Looking forward to trick or treaters

Breaking through my barriers

I was going to write "fears" instead of barriers.  I think the two things I finally did today weren't things I was afraid of doing, rather, they were things I'd used as barriers to keep from moving forward in this new stage of my life.  Maybe now that I've done each of these things once, I'll have an easier time doing them again and again.

The first thing I did for the first time today was to apply for work through the MWE job search site.  I've mentioned before that since I am collecting unemployment benefits I need to apply for at least two jobs each week.  Up until today I did this the "old fashioned" way.  I looked for jobs in the local on-line newspaper or I asked people I knew about possible employment opportunities.  Those were working just fine for me.  But on Friday I received a letter from the DLLR informing me I was required to attend a seminar for the JobSource program this week.  I knew the state wanted me to use their job service to hunt for work.  It allows them to keep track of how I'm looking for work and not just relying on me to keep my own records.  So, today I updated my resume' and applied for work through the website.  I applied for two jobs.  Check.

The second thing I did today was to go for a walk around the neighborhood during working hours.  I had delayed this endeavor for more than a couple reasons.  I had excuse after excuse after excuse.  I'm lazy.  I'm fat.  I don't have good music on my phone.  I couldn't find my earbuds.  I didn't want to see anyone from the neighborhood.  My feet hurt.  It's cold.  It's hot.  It's windy.  It's not.  Yeah, I had a few excuses.  Today my husband shamed me into going for the walk.  And I lived.  And I DID see people from the neighborhood.  And the music on my phone was crappy.  And it did hurt.  But it was a nice day and, who knows, maybe it will be good for me.  Check check.

And, more importantly, maybe I'll do theses things again tomorrow.

541.  A nice neighborhood for walking just outside my front door
542.  Friendly neighbors
543.  A perfect fall day
544.  The feeling of accomplishment
545.  My son got a new roommate
546.  Looking forward to my bible study small group

What has happened to personal responsibility?

"We must reject the idea that every time a law's broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions."  Ronald Reagan

Personal responsibility.  There's a concept from the past.

The tragedies of this month have again brought out the question, who is to blame?

Who is to blame for the bad things happening in this country?  Is it the parent's fault?  Is it the school's fault?  Is it the fault of the NRA and the legality of assault rifles?  Is it the fault of the makers of violent video games?  Is it the fault of the doctors and professionals in the field of mental illness?  Is it the fault of vaccines and the possibility of their relationship to autism?  Is it the fault of neighbors and friends not seeing the signs of trouble?  Is it the fault of the high divorce rate and the crumbling of marriage in the US?  Is it God's fault?  Is it the church's fault?

Taking personal responsibility has, for the most part, disappeared.

We want to blame the NRA for lobbying to keep guns available for legal purchase. 

We want to blame McDonalds for the rise in obesity in the US.  I don't know about you, but in order for me to eat McDonalds fries I have to go there and get them and then put them in my mouth and eat them.  Nobody has a gun to my head.

We want the government to take care of our birth control for us, so we don't have to worry about our sexual promiscuity.

We want government to take responsibility for the raising, education and feeding of our children.  

We want our health care paid by the government while we continue to overeat, under-exercise, smoke, drink and use recreational drugs.

We want to retire comfortably without saving money during our working years and preparing for the future.

We want to give the responsibility for all these things, and more, to an institution that has proven itself to be very bad at managing anything and especially bad at managing money.  Why oh why to we continue to look to the government to take care of us.  They have showed us who they are.  We need to stop begging for them to do a better job.  It can't be done.

Personal responsibility.  If you need to depend on someone to help you with a problem area in your life, look for a mentor.  You can find mentors in your life through older family members or friends, neighbors, spiritual leaders, community leaders, the networks of your friends and colleagues.  People like to be asked for help, but they don't want to do it for you.  Don't depend on these mentors to do your work for you.  Take personal responsibility for yourself.

We need to grow up in this country.  Life is hard, but we aren't in it alone.  God knew life would be hard, so he sent his son to reconcile us to him.  He gave us prayer, an opportunity to speak with him.  He gave us church, an opportunity to join with fellow believers for support and fellowship in this tough, tough life on Earth.  I pray for churches to be filled during this holiday season and for people to return to the roots of faith this country was built upon.  We don't need to look any further than the bathroom mirror to discover where change needs to begin.  Let's decide we want to do better for ourselves, not have more done for us. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

  
768.  Last day of work before my Christmas break
769.  Red velvet donuts from Dunkin Donuts
770.  New carpet day in the rental house renovation
771.  Enjoying the final couple weeks of my son living with me
772.  Reading books for pleasure
773.  Reading blogs for pleasure
774.  Watching movies in the morning
775.  Going to a 9:00 p.m. showing of Lincoln and knowing I don't have to get up for work in the morning
776.  Listening of off-key Christmas carol covers  :)
777.  Thinking about the peace of Christmastime and getting all my work done so I can enjoy it
778.  Organic lettuce and baby greens salads
779.  Vodka made from potatoes
780.  Advent services at church
781.  Thinking about hanging ornaments on the tree, but ok with knowing it may not happen
782.  Three hours of administrative leave on the last day of work in 2012

Those olympians are so lucky

I've been watching the olympics and enjoying the heck out of it.  I know NBC has had it's share of screw-ups in the broadcasting, but all-in-all, it's been fun to watch.  Since I'm a person without the opportunity or time to watch the events live, streaming on the inter-webs, NBC what I've got.

It's funny, to me, at least, how watching these summer olympics every four years finds me in a different paradigm just about each and every time.  I remember there was a time when I watched and thought to myself, I could DO that, if I really put forth some effort.  Then I'd get out there and start pounding the track or swimming (gymnastics were never my thing).  Later in my life I'd watch the olympics and think, my kid could DO that, if I get him in gymnastics class and on a swim team and playing basketball and buy him a horse (no, I never seriously thought about buying him a horse, although I do enjoy watching the equestrian events).  Now, I think I enjoy watching the parents of the gymnasts as much as I enjoy the gymnastics.  I remember my husband and I tag teaming the kid to gymnastics class.  I enjoy watching Michael Phelps' mom and Missy Franklin's parents and I remember sitting in the hot sun at so many swim meets I can't even count and I remember how hoarse I'd be from screaming encouragement to those kids.  Now, I adore seeing the 54 year old British equestrian and I feel pride, even though all I've done in my 55 years is stay alive.   

Those olympians are so lucky to be able to compete at this global level.  They get to be on tv and have the world watching them.  The parents of those olympians are so lucky to have kids that are so good at their sport or activity.  Lucky.  Yeah, lucky.

When I watch the olympics I think of thousands and thousands of hours of training and running and driving to and forth from practice.  I think of coaches and fundraisers and sacrifice.  I think about hours of homework done in the car or up late at night or getting up in the wee hours of the morning.  I don't think I'm exaggerating one little bit when I say thousands of hours.  Those olympians, they are so lucky.

Ya think?

503.  Today's work day is much much better
504.  Encouraging bloggers
505.  Bloggers with great housekeeping ideas
506.  Funny bloggers
507.  Even bloggers who've seemed to take a vacation from blogging (they remind me it's ok to take a break sometimes)

Hot, hurting, and Happy

Maybe some of you remember that it was hot last week.  HOT.  As in, really HOT.  I was in MN last week and it was really hot.  I couldn't believe it.  How in the world to people decide to live in a place that can be 50 degrees below zero and 100 degrees above zero?  I'm fairly sure my family is much happier with the 50 degrees below zero than they are with the 100 degrees.  I was freezing inside their air conditioned home.  I don't think the ac in my house can even reach the temperature they were keeping in their home.  It was certainly refreshing.  (brrrrr)

I don't like the heat.  But, I can take the heat if I don't have to do anything more strenuous than lay on a lounge chair.  I was awesome at laying on a lounge chair.  I made a valiant effort to read a book, but it was hot.  Super hot.  I looked up from my book and the lounge chair and I saw the lake.  Typically, I'm not a big fan of swimming in the lake.  There are weeds growing up from the bottom of the lake and they wrap around my legs and freak me out.  Worse, there are fish in that lake.  I know there are fish, because in other years, when it wasn't so hot, I'd go fishing.  One of the things either my dad or my brother (whoever was taking me fishing) enjoy more than anything is to see me catch a fish.  I, on the other hand, would be happy to listen to my music and drink beer.  But, my dad and my brother usually get what they want and as a result, I've caught fish.  I've even caught really big fish.  This does nothing for my desire to swim in the lake.  I've seen the teeth on those fish and I'm afraid of them.  Even though the worse that has ever happened to me while swimming in the lake is to have little sunnies or bluegills nibble at my mosquito bites, the thought of those big fish give me pause.  But, I went swimming.  And, I jumped three feet straight up when a bluegill nibbled on the mosquito bite on my leg.  And, I screamed.  This was all to the great amusement of my husband.  (yay.  so glad I could make his day)

Did I mention it was hot in MN?  Yeah, hot.  It was hotter in MN than it was in FL at the same time.  There is something wrong with this.  Doncha think?

I stayed in the lake for a very long time.  I think I was in the lake for an hour or maybe even two hours.  This was a world class record for me.  It was so pleasant to sit on a noodle floatie and bob in the water and just be cool.  It was entertaining to watch a two year old sit in a floatie and smile and repeat every word he heard.  It was relaxing.  Very relaxing.  But even relaxing can become tedious.  (I know, it surprised me, too)  Most of the family decided to go for a boat ride on the big pontoon party boat my parents have.  I believe it holds 13 people.  I believe they squeezed 13 people on the boat along with two big coolers of drinks and SNACKS.  For some reason the thought of squeezing on that boat with 13 other hot, sweaty bodies did not appeal to me.  I chose to stay behind.  As they were leaving, my other brother invited me to play around on one of the two wave runners he had towed up to the lake.  I think I've been on them once or twice.  I know I've only driven one once.  And, I drove it like an old lady.  And, when I drove it like an old lady I wasn't as old of a lady as I am now.  I didn't think I would be taking the wave runner out on the lake.

But, I did.

I decided, along with my husband, it would be fun to scoot around the lake on these contraptions.  So, we did.  I got on one and my husband got on the other and off we went.  I went FAST.  I wanted to go as fast as I dared.  I zipped back and forth behind other boats in the lake with the intent of "getting some air" as I flew over their wakes.  (I am quite sure I never "got air")  It was fun.  I went in a circle as fast as I could to try to jump over my own wake.  I had to hold on so tight.  The tighter I held the handlebars, the harder I turned the accelerator.  It felt like the wave runner would scoot out right from underneath me.  I held on so tight.  My husband stayed behind me.  I think he was anticipating a rescue situation rather than not being able to keep up with me.  I'm quite sure I wasn't going as fast as it felt I was going, but nonetheless, it was exhilarating.  I was thrilled and proud of myself for both, pushing myself to do something a little scary and not falling off the thing.  It was a fun, fun ride.

And then I paid.

I paid, in pain.  I woke up the next morning with arms and shoulders so sore you'da thought I'd chopped a cord of wood.  It took me until early afternoon to figure out why I hurt so bad.  At first I thought I was sick.  I thought I had a fever and my joints were aching.  Or maybe, it was from a HUGE mosquito bite I had on my elbow.  But then, I remembered.  I went jet skiing on the wave runner.  I paid for that half hour of fun for three days.  I remembered that hurt you feel when you've had a good workout.  Yeah, that one.  I haven't felt that hurt for a long time.  It felt good, after remembering why I was feeling it.  I need to start doing something to give me that feeling again.  Sometimes exercise is fun.  (so that's why thy change it up on the Biggest Loser)

411.  Beat juice
412.  Watermelon
413.  Anticipating tomatoes from the farm
414.  Good advice from my husband on dealing with a snippy co-worker
415.  Catching up on work
416.  Did I say watermelon?

Not me, but it coulda been.

Ten habits I will develop

I tried to title this post Ten habits I need to will develop, but Blogger won't allow me to do the cross out thing in the post title.  haha  Even Blogger is keeping me in a positive frame of mind.  Gotta love it.

I've gotten in some pretty bad habits, of late.  I wonder why it is so much easy to slip out of the good habits of exercise and eating right and into the bad habits of sitting on the couch and eating and drinking too much.  Hmmm?

I want to:

1. Go for a walk every day with my husband
2. Do the stretching exercises for my plantar fasciitis
3. Floss daily
4. Resume selling on eBay (anybody want to buy a Lladro nativity set?)
5. Do some core work daily (sit-ups or planks or crunches, something)
6. Cut back on my alcohol and snack consumption (inversely, drink more water)
7. Do 100 squats every day at work
8. Start clearing the crap off that table in the office room of my house
9. Moisturize my skin every night
10. Eat my dinner at the table and not on the couch

There.  These are 10 things I want to develop as habits.  Is this too much?  I lie to myself so much.  I tell myself I want to do these things and then I slack off and sit on the couch and play Scramble With Friends with my husband.  I sit on the couch and watch three episodes of The Killing and laugh at how many scenes show it raining in Seattle, WA and remembering that my friends moving back to Seattle tell me Seattle has great weather and it really doesn't rain that much.  I avoid going for the walk with my husband because I know my foot is gonna hurt like a m***a when I get home and I'll barely be able to walk to the bathroom in the morning.  I avoid doing the exercises because... they're boring and they hurt.  I haven't done any selling on eBay because I'm tired on the weekends and I have just enough energy to do my chores and then I'm done (stick a fork in me).  I don't floss and moisturize because I've sat on the couch until it is so late and I'm so tired I barely have the energy (and sobriety) to brush my teeth and put my jammies on, let alone floss and moisturize.

I've heard that no one changes their lifestyle until the pain of remaining where they are becomes greater than the pain caused by changing.  These changes will be painful.  There is no doubt.  I know you've heard me whine about this before.  I'm a yo-yo dieter and exerciser.  I do it for a while, then I quit.  Well, it appears I'm back to doing it for a while.  Wish me luck... and perseverance.  :)

368.  Second chances in life
369.  New study starting in my small group... the gospel of Mark
370.  A husband willing to walk with me, if I'd only agree to it
371.  Time to see if doing the plantar faciitis exercises work before I make a doctor appt and see if I need surgery
372.  The goal of having pain-free feet for a trip to NYC in Feb. 2013
373.  The experience of knowing that if I do the ab work and walking, my energy level will increase 

The shoe no longer fits

There will be no more cute shoes for me in my lifetime.  I will never wear kitten heels or flip flops or strappy sandals or stilettos or ballet flats or sling backs again.  I have officially joined the ranks of women with "old lady" feet.  This is certainly one of the saddest days of my life.  I will never enjoy and look forward to shoe shopping again.  From now on, shoes with be functional and, hopefully, non-noticeable. 

My new work shoes (Sketchers)

If you are wondering why this is such a sad day, you aren't a woman.  Shoes and shoe shopping are one of the most fun things a woman can do.  Shoe shopping is the ultimate in impulse shopping.  We never NEED the shoes, we LOVE the shoes.  (men, if you are trying to relate to this, just think about the last time you were in a grocery store without a grocery list)  There is just something about shoes that can make you so happy.  We women have even been known to have special shelves built to hold and DISPLAY our shoes.  The best line I ever heard, in a movie, about shoes was in the movie In Her Shoes.  The character played by Toni Collette says, "When I feel down, I like to treat myself. Clothes never look any good, and food just makes me fatter, but shoes always fit."  If you want to understand women and shoes, rent this movie.  It's cute to watch.  And, of course, there is always Sex in the City.  Nobody loved a shoe like Carrie Bradshaw loved a shoe.  I'm going to miss shopping for shoes.  I'm going to miss it, a lot.  

Christian Louboutin

Jimmy Choo

Manolo Blahnik

Aren't they beautiful?  Yes, yes they are.  These shoes will never again be on my feet.  You cannot put an orthotic device in those shoes.  I, can now, no longer wear a shoe without putting the orthotic insert in the shoe.  If I do go without the orthotics, I will pay dearly, ...in pain.  I have resigned myself to a future of New Balance (or Sketchers) running shoes and oxford style leather dress shoes.  Neither of these look good with skirts or dresses.  I don't think I can ever feel pretty again.  I'm just going to have to get used to it.  I'll find handsome pantsuits and coordinated slacks and tops.  This is my future.  Now you know what they mean when they say, "Getting old isn't for sissies."   

357.  Orthotics
358.  Cortisone shots in my heels
359.  Running or walking shoes in black
360.  Memories of cute shoes
361.  The feminist movement?  (at least I'm allowed to wear pants)
362.  Every day my feet don't hurt

After you say never and then, do it

Thanks for all the comments on my hiking trip post.  The telling of this story has been in me for a long time and I was glad to finally get it out there.  Here's the rest of the story.

The police officers wished us a pleasant evening as they escorted us to our car and sent us on our way.  My husband, being the generous guy he is, invited the officers to join us for dinner at our hotel and gave them his business card.  They didn't take us up on the offer, but it was a nice gesture.  It was a good thing for me they didn't take us up on the offer.  After the adrenaline rush of riding in a helicopter and being rescued, I was tired.  I was tired in a way I had never been so tired before.

We were at the Tailhook convention in Reno, NV.  One reason we are at the Tailhook convention is because I work at a booth with the artist, Hank Caruso.  I was supposed to be working with Hank while I was walking around in the desert.  I was late.  In my typical ISTJ, duty fulfiller character, I went to my hotel room, got cleaned up and dressed, and got my butt down to our booth.  I went to work.  There is definitely something wrong with me.  I could barely sit in the chair.  I was in a trance.  It was almost too much effort to focus my eyes.  Hank asked me how I was doing.  I debated the question in my head for longer than this question needed thought.  What was I going to say?  I didn't want to embarrass my husband.  When we got into our hotel room to clean up, my husband suggested we keep this story to ourselves.  After all, he could have walked out of the desert without any problem.  I was the one in need of rescue.  After giving this suggestion some thought, he changed his mind.  He decided it was my story to share with other or keep to myself.  At the time of Hank's question, I hadn't made up my mind.  Hank went to the bar and got me a beer.  After all, we were at Tailhook and there is a LOT of beer at Tailhook.  I couldn't stomach the beer.

With a beer going warm on the table and my near inability to stay upright while sitting in a chair, I decided to tell Hank my story.  He was satisfactorily surprised and concerned.  I guess that was the response I was looking for.  Nevertheless, I was relieved of my duties at the booth and I went up to the room and straight to bed.  Stick a fork in me.  I was done.  Nothing held my interest.  My husband tried to feed me.  No interest.  All I wanted was water and sleep.  I was asleep by 7:00 p.m.  Hooray!

The next morning I was up and "at 'em" and ready to work.  It's amazing what 12 hours of sleep can do for a body.  I felt completely restored.  I was hungry and ready for breakfast.  Sweet recovery.  And then I ran into some friends.  Friends that hike.  Serious hikers.  They have special hats and backpacks and backpack bladders for water that have a flexible straw that they can keep in their mouths and drink water continuously.  Serious.  So, she asked me how my hike went.  Suddenly, I BURST into tears.  Nobody was more surprised by those tears than I was.  What the heck was going on with me?  Why was I crying?  I guess the very scary, I had to be rescued, hike in the desert had upset me more than I thought it did.  So what did I do next?

I planned a hike for Sunday afternoon.  My hiker friend was determined to get me "back on the horse" and go on another hike.  We went to Lake Tahoe and did a hike up Mt. Rose.  It was gorgeous.  There were trees and lots of shade.  It was a three mile hike up to a waterfall and three miles back down to our cars.  My husband brought six bottles of water.  Let me tell you this,... if my husband had not brought one drop of water, we wouldn't have gone thirsty.  If I asked every person I passed, up and down the Mt. Rose trail for a sip of water, I wouldn't have been thirsty in the least.  This was one well traveled trail.  Men, women, old ladies, old men, children, dogs, you name it.  Everyone was hiking on Sunday afternoon.  Hiking, as in real estate, is location, location, location.  And, Sundays are busier than Thursdays.  Live and learn.

Even though my friend got me back on the trail right away, I haven't hiked again.  Well, maybe a little in Sedona, AZ, but not too much.  I may get back into it, someday.  I'm going to have to see if this is what I want to do.  The end.

58.  Good friends
59.  Interesting work to do
60.  Fresh fruits and vegetables
61.  Overnight shipping for office supplies
62.  What the heck, Office Supplies.  Who doesn't like office supplies
63.  Text messaging
64.  My bible study small group

Lent is here

The season of Lent has arrived.  In the christian faith, this is the time of preparation for the sacrifice of Jesus for our sins.  It is a time of giving up a luxury to feel the sting of sacrifice as a tiny nod to feeling the sacrifice that was made for me.  I suck at Lent.  I was raised dutch reformed and Lent was not a big deal in this particular church.  It was nothing like the way Lent was acknowledged in the Catholic church.  We ate meat at every meal.  We didn't fast on Ash Wednesday.  Business as usual.

Last year I made an attempt at participating in an experiment at doing yoga for 40 days.  Epic fail.  However, I did discover I'm not a big fan of yoga.  I'll do some sun salutations now and then, but every day for 40 days.  No way.  Uh uh.  You may remember I wrote about celebrating Advent this past Christmastime.  Another epic fail.  Yeah, I didn't even tell you.  I just kinda blew it off.  Sure, I was psyched about it for about two weeks, but then it fell off the radar.  Here we are, it's Lent again.  I remember my old friend, Joybird, did a Lenten project she called Late to Lent.  She chose to blog her Lenten experience for each day of the season.  I was impressed by her work and her diligence to stick to the project.  Then I heard of another person who chose to grow her hair for Lent.  Seriously?  I'm trying to imagine how this helped her relate to the sacrifice of Christ.  I guess it takes all kinds to make a world.

My plan for this Lenten season is to spend an hour with God each day of this season.  Yeah, I get I'm supposed to be doing this anyway, but I don't.  I'm hoping to spend this time with him while walking in his creation and reading his word.  I intend to attend church on every Sunday of Lent.  Yeah, I get I'm supposed to be doing this anyway, but I don't.  I'm going to sit in church and think positive thoughts and, hopefully, start praying for each person I see in the sanctuary.  I'm even going to pray for the guy I notice falls asleep EVERY time I see him in church.  No judging, just praying.  I guess I'm giving up my chilling time on the couch and, most likely, a glass of wine or two.  'Cause that's what I do while chilling on the couch.  I consider these luxuries.  I think I'm really going to look forward to Easter this year.

So now I've written my intentions on the world wide web.  I know some of you readers know where I live.  I know some of you have my phone number.  Please feel free to hold me accountable.  I'm seeking to grow.  Who knows, I may even start enjoying church again.  Fingers crossed.

I almost forgot.  I'm going to restart my gratitudes on my blog posts.  Evidently my Gratitude List page had a finite amount of lines and the earlier gratitudes dropped off the page.  Stuff happens, but I'm still grateful.

I'm grateful for
1.  my savior
2.  my faith that Jesus is risen from the dead and will come again to Earth
3.  a small group of believers encouraging me every Monday night
4.  the word of God, readily available in ANY form of media you can think of
5.  my healthy body
6.  my clear mind
7.  the opportunity to share my faith with anyone reading my words
8.  a God of second chances 

2012, the secret to living well

I was hoping to blog about my New Year's resolutions and changes I want to make in my behaviors, etc.  Instead, I'm going to write about the lessons I learned from falling in the shower this morning while getting ready to return to work after my 10-day break.

First of all, I heard this truth quite a few years ago.  Here goes, "The secret to living well into your old age is, Don't Fall Down."

This is the truth, people.  Don't fall down.  If you fall when you are a young person, it's annoying.  When you fall, as an older person, it is devastating.  Luckily, I didn't hurt myself too bad in this particular fall.  I'm not going to kid myself.  I'm going to be feeling aches and pains from this slip and fall for quite a while.  As I sit here in this cold room I can feel my lower back seizing up.  I can feel my left wrist beginning to hurt.  (and I don't really remember what I did to my wrist.  I guess I tried to catch myself.  hilarious.)  And, my butt hurts.  (tmi?)

What have I learned from this experience?  I mean, what's the point of surviving a near-tragic accident if we don't learn anything from it.

The first thing I learned is, clean up after yourself.  Yesterday, I took a bubble bath to relax.  I can't remember the last time I took a bubble bath, but there you have it.  At the end of the bath I thought it would be a good idea to give myself an invigorating scrub with a sea-salt/oil scrub I have had sitting by the side of the tub for longer than I can remember.  It seemed like a good idea to begin the new year by exfoliating all the dead cells from my 2011 body.  I rinsed off and let the water drain away.  I dried myself off and dressed for my small group bible study.  Here's where I made my first mistake.  I should have rinsed out the tub.  I should have cleaned all the residual oil out of the tub.  The slip and fall would have been avoided and I would be writing about exercise or dieting or smiling more often, whatever.  Clean up after yourself.  This is a good resolution to make for 2012.  It will save you a world of hurt and, seriously, all your family members (read - wives or moms) will love you all the more.  :)

Secondly, I learned I really need to strengthen my abdominal muscles.  I have to admit, I fell fairly slowly, as falls go.  Had I had stronger abs, I may not have fallen all the way to the ground.  I may have been able to catch myself and not hit bottom quite so hard.  So, here is the ubiquitous new year resolution, exercise more in 2012.  I think having a strong core can save a world of hurts.  It is certainly good for balance and supporting a lower back.

Lastly, function over form.  I don't have a non-slip bath mat in my tub because I've always thought they look ugly.  I depended on the slight texture imprinted on the porcelain bottom of the tub.  Big Mistake.  I will be going out shopping for a non-slip bath mat for my tub as soon as possible.  Form following function.  This is an architectural truism and I'm going to make it a credo in my life.  Ornamental foo-foo is not essential.  It has, in fact, become dangerous as I grow older.  As I write this, I see this lesson goes to another ubiquitous resolution, clearing clutter.  Form over function.  If it does not have a function in my home or my life, it does not need to be in my home or my life.  This year I will be ruthless in the quest for minimalism in my life. 

It seems this post has ended up to be a resolution post without even trying.  Happy New Year and a Blessed 2012 to you all.  Now, back to the grindstone, salt mine, get your ass in gear, get back in the saddle, or whatever work idiom you like to use.  The vacation is over.  :)

Eat the frog

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."  Mark Twain

This is my new credo.  Eat the frog.

To maximize my productivity at work and at home I do the most important, most challenging, hardest, most unliked task of my day first thing in the morning.  I look at it as a test for myself.  I don't even think about the challenge, I just dive in and get it done.  Yes, I'm a GTDer.  I find, even if I don't accomplish everything on my list of things to do, I still feel a great sense of accomplishment because I've completed a difficult and important task this day.  I've started doing this at work and it has made a huge difference.

I'd like to make a new year's resolution to exercise first thing in the morning and have that be a frog on my plate.  I know, I know...  I've said a lot about exercise and haven't followed through.  I think I'm in a big club on that point.  I've often had big plans for the new year and hope to turn over a new leaf.  I'm doing it again.  I'm not giving up on myself.  

I'm going to eat the frog.  Then then the rest of my day will be cake.  Right?

www.eatthatfrogmovie.com

The truth

I've got nothin'.  Sorry.

I was thinking about doing a 30 day blog and exercise challenge, but that just is not going to happen this month.  I just don't have the energy for it. 

I don't want to whine about my house.  So I'm going with one of my Dad's favorite sayings.  "If you don't have anything nice to say.  Don't say anything at all."  I think it's appropriate. 

I hope you took a moment to stop by Kati's CulturTwined blog.  She wrapped up her interview with me.  If you look, you will get to know me even better.  :)

More truth.

"You don't have a Soul.  You are a Soul.  You have a body."

C.S.Lewis

I need focus

My mind is so scattered at this time.  I'm pulled between the restoration of my home, an additional 5 lbs and lack of exercise, an additional hot flash added to my day (thanks Tamoxifen), and my performance at my job.  I need to find focus and perspective.  Instead, my reaction seems to be inaction.  Not good.

My thoughts on this are swirling around.  I'm going to take a few moments and seek some clarity as I strive to untangle the mess in my head.

First of all, I'm tired.  I've been struggling to get up in the morning and make it to work on time.  *job performance suffering*  My desire is to go to bed earlier, but when I do that, I find I'm laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and watching the clock.  *frustrating*  I've begun taking Tylenol PM and it helps.  A little.

Solutions?  I'm thinking if I restart my exercise routine I will feel more tired at night and fall asleep quicker and sleep sounder.

Problem.  I'm not exercising now and getting started is the toughest part.  Ok, ok... I hear you.  Just do it.

So, if I'm looking at this stream of consciousness correctly, exercise may be a key.  Regular exercise may help me lose the weight.  Regular exercise may make me more tired and a better sleeper.  Thus allowing me to get up on time in the morning and make it to work on time.  Ergo, my job performance gets better.

I'm thinking I may need to ask for some encouragement in the motivation department.  I'm thinking about doing a challenge.  I'm still investigating exactly what a blog challenge is and how I could integrate one into my blog and real life.  So far, I think I may do something with exercise and gratitude.  I know gratitude would certainly help me with my "poor me" attitude, in regard to my house and mess.  I need shake this off.  I think some of my insomnia may have to do with the worry of fixing things and the costs involved.  Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.  I know people get sick of hearing about it, so I try not to talk about it too much.  Sometimes I think it's the biggest thing in my life.  But, when I stop to think about it, it isn't.  I still go to work.  I'm still a wife.  I'm still a mother.  It isn't the BIGGEST thing in my life.  It's just the messiest.  *and I've mentioned, I don't do well in mess*

Comments and suggestions are welcome.  Seriously.  I'm open.

*sigh*  None of this will help with the hot flash, however.  My new normal is at 7:30 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. I feel the heat.  Yuk.  Thanks Tamoxifen.

Updates and random thoughts

I have an update on my ongoing romance with tamoxifen.  I have to have a endometrial biopsy.  Evidently, ladies, your endometrial layer should be 4 mm.  Mine, however, is a WHOPPING 1 cm.  So, off I go for more testing.  :)

I've become a Power Seller on eBay. What does this mean, you may ask.  One thing it means is that I've been working eBay like it's a job and not just an enjoyable hobby.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I sold a LOT of silver coins on eBay.  They're on to me.  In fact, eBay powers that be, are so "in tune" with the climate of the marketplace, they have opened a Precious Metal Bullion section of eBay.  I guess they heard the price of silver had risen.  Don't they read my blog?  I don't think I'm going to be a power seller for long.  Alas, the well has run dry.  :)

I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks.  Yeah, I'm feeling lazy and tired.  Not a good combination.  I'm going with the fewer calories in, in order to fit in my pants.  I need to turn this action around soon.  :)

I'm going to San Diego, CA in a couple weeks.  I haven't been there in 21 years.  I'm sure it's changed a lot.  If anyone wants to tell me fun things to do while I'm there, please do.  I'm staying in the gas lamp district.  I've never been there.  I've heard about a mystery dinner theater.  Is that a fun thing to do?  I'm open to suggestions.  I'll even consider going to the zoo, but it's not my favorite idea.  :)

This is my 99th post on my blog.  Wow.  99.  I know a lot of you have WAY more than this, but this is where I am.  For my 100th post I'm going to write 100 things about me.  I wonder if I can think of 100 things?  :)

Last Friday my boss asked me how to make a smiley face on the computer.  :)  I told him how and when he looked at it he said, "That's not a smiley face."  *shrug*

I read a blog about not having expectations about other people.  The example given was this.  If you ask someone to do something for you, and they say they will do it, and then they don't do it, don't get upset.  Adults can do whatever they want.  If they don't want to do something they've committed to doing, that's just the way it goes.  It was your fault for expecting them to do what they said they were going to do.  Huh?  I've got to think about this some more.  I'm just not getting something.  :)

Canada's postal system is on strike.  How can they do that?  I've got a buyer for eBay stuff and I can't mail it to them.  I guess I'll use UPS.  *rhymes*   :)

I've been having a hard time writing poetry.  I admire the blogging poets I read.  I don't know how your minds work, but it must be busy in there.  :)

I'm getting over the idea that my blog is going viral.  haha  Last month I wrote a post, I took an arrow in the chest.  I don't know what happened, but it kept getting page view after page view.  (us blogger have a dashboard that we can see these things on)  Anyway, for a month, I thought I was pretty darn popular.  Now things are back to "normal" and I'm feeling kinda down about it.  I've got to get over myself.  :)

All in all, life is good.  It's the end of the fiscal year at work.  This will keep me busy at work.  I think I'll buy a new book for my kindle.  Something entertaining and not controversial.  There's enough controversial stuff out in the blogosphere.  :)

40 days of yoga

Today I am taking the first step on an odyssey, I'm afraid, will be no less perilous than that of Ulysses.  I am beginning a "40 Days To Personal Evolution" program at the neighborhood yoga center.  I'm scared.  I'm not a real yoga person.  I've taken at few yoga classes.  I've taken a couple tai chi classes.  I've taken two qi gong classes.  *and, as a side note, I pronounced it wrong.  it's pronounced chi gong.  oh really.*  I've seen all the yoga girls coming out of the yoga classes.  They're all TINY.  No chubby girls take yoga classes.  Yoga pants aren't known for their camouflaging properties.  Sure, they stretch like nobodies business, but they are, shall we say, clingy.  Oh yeah, and I don't know if you remember this about me, I'm over 50.  Not just over 50, but almost half-way over 50.  Flexibility is NOT my middle name anymore.

So, you may wonder what exactly, I am afraid of.  It can't be the fear that I may not do yoga as well as others accompanying  me on this journey.  Nope, that is a given.  ANYONE can do yoga better than me.  My dog can do yoga better than me.  Could the fear be stepping out and trying a new thing?  Well, we are getting closer.  The unknown is a scary place.  I don't know any of these people.  I don't know any of the teachers  This does give me a tiny bit of pause, but I don't think this is the biggest portion of my fear.  Will I hurt myself?  No, this isn't it.  I know I won't hurt myself.  Will I quit before the 40 days is completed?  Ding ding ding.  We have a winner!!!  This is my biggest fear.  I want to give this program my full participation.  It is all on me to take the suggested classes during each week.  It is all on me to do the homework and do the "at home practices" and do the meditations.

Meditations?!?  What??  I don't meditate.  This scares me to death.  This has always been the portion of a yoga class I just don't understand.  What is supposed to be happening in meditation.  I don't know what goes on in your "mind's eye", but my mind has a grocery list, that closet in the back bedroom that needs sorting out, the three projects I have sitting on my desk in the office, the quality of the oil in my car, the state of the economy in Namibia, ANYTHING but what I think everyone else is meditating on.  I start to get nervous.  I say to myself, "Hey, stop thinking about frozen pizzas and which hot dog buns to buy this time.  Your supposed to be meditating and freeing your mind.  Ok, think about a beach.  Really, a beach...  NO, stop thinking about whether or not we should use the time-share this year or try to sell it on that travel website.  You're supposed to be meditating.  Ok, think about a mountain.  Sigh, a mountain...  Hey, did you remember to have the break fluid checked at the shop the last time?  I wonder if I'm going to have to buy new tires?  STOP thinking about that stuff...you're supposed to be meditating."  DING.  Meditation time is over.  Now I'm a wreck.  I've just added five more things to my to-do list.

I think we've narrowed down my fears to two.  Number one, having another endeavor I have paid money for and didn't complete.  Number two, meditation and focusing on my own thoughts.  I guess when I look at these fear "on paper" they don't seem so scary.  I mean, what's the worst that can happen?  I guess I'll find out.  Namaste.

image from jiggaroo.com

Alcohol is like love

I'm getting in a routine.  I know this sounds boring to many people, but to me, this is my HEAVEN.  I love knowing what is coming next.  I'm getting in the routine of going to the gym for lunch every day.  Today I had a headache.  All I wanted to do was bail on the gym and get a Happy Meal.  But, NO!!  I went to the gym.  I did it.  I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and I did some weight work for lower body.  I am proud of myself.  I know I could do more.  I know I could work out harder.  To me, the ROUTINE of going to the gym, doing cardio and lifting weights makes me HAPPY.  I WOULD love to get in the routine of getting up at 6:00 a.m. and do some cardio before I get in the shower and get ready for work.  I haven't done that, yet.  I'm thinking about it.  I'm trying to OBSESS over it.  But it's so hard for me to do.

Another routine I would like to start is to go for a walk after I get home from work.  Currently I have a different routine.  The routine I have now is to get home from work and have a cocktail.  I need to stop this.  It is not healthy for me.  I used to jokingly say I needed to wash the taste of my office out of my mouth.  Hahahaha.  Who's hurting who?  This is not a positive thing to do.  I think I need to think of this "routine" as a self-destructive act.  Why should I let this job have one more second of my life than it is already taking?  Why should I allow this job to damage my health?  What I should do is steal from the job.  I should keep taking advantage of the gym.  I should take advantage of training.  I should take advantage of skill building.

I need to build new routines in my life, little by little.  I can do this.  I'll let you know when the early morning workouts kick in.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

"Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off. "   Raymond Chandler 

Number 9 - De-stress

9. De-stress. You're more likely to be cranky if you're perpetually stressed out. So get away from it all and recharge.

At the beginning of the year I posted some Tips for a Happier and Healthier Frame of Mind.  Number 9 said to de-stress.  I have just returned from four days at a health spa doing just that.  It was WONDERFUL.

I began a tradition of visiting the Heartland Spa with my mother in the early part of the year about five years ago.  I'll begin by telling you this is a very nice spa.  It is a "destination spa" which is much different than a day-spa.  While you visit the Heartland you are focusing on health, restoration and de-stressing.  I don't want to be an advertisement for this spa, but rather, focus on de-stressing and focusing on health.  While I was there I exercised by doing cardio, strength training and yoga.  I've got to tell you, I am woefully out of shape.  I have got to keep a regular exercise program going and get some stamina, strength and flexibility back.  This was not my favorite part of the visit, but it was certainly the backbone of the visit.  This portion gave me the determination to keep my exercise program going now that I have returned home.

I also spent a good deal of my time being pampered while I was at the spa.  I treated myself to a scrub and warm oil aromatherapy wrap, evening massages, a facial and mani/pedi.  I booked my mom a service every time I booked myself a service.  She said to me, "you know, I don't really need all these things."  Ah, there it is.  This is the credo I have lived by most of my life.  I don't really need to treat myself in a pampered way.  While I was having a massage the first night I arrived I thought this exact thought, "I don't really need a massage.  This is me throwing money away."  I had to force myself to remember that this massage was GOOD for me.  I was having muscles worked and warmed and prepared for more exercise than I usually do each day.  I also realized I keep emotion and tension in my muscles.  I was allowing the masseuse to work this tension and release those emotions from my body.

I thought the same thing during my facial and body treatment.  "I don't NEED this."  Then I reminded myself that I never put lotion on my back, so once a year it may not be the most decadent thing to have my skin scrubbed and moisturized ALL OVER.  

I am so glad I did these things.  I'm so glad my mom let me give these things to her.  It was a blessing to be able to do this.  It was a blessing to be able to receive this.

I think there are other ways to get away from everyday life and stresses.  I think one can go on retreats or vacations.  I'm glad I can get away with my mom and go to a peaceful and pretty place and focus on health and peace.  I encourage you to find it within yourself to believe that caring for your body will help you de-stress.

Finally...

I went to the gym at lunch today.  I remembered the combination on my locker.  Oh yeah, I'm hurting.

I can't believe I've put this off so long.  I need to get moving again.  I know exercise changes your body and I know it changes how you think about yourself.  I think I'm a stronger person, mentally when my body feels stronger.  I feel braver.  I feel more powerful.  I AM WOMAN!!!  (yeah, I'm A woman, but not THAT kind of woman).

Here's a little information for any young women reading my blog. (first of all, I really really really hope you are reading)  When you get to be an older woman, your body starts to let you down.  I really need to write a blog on menopause.  I've survived it, and let me tell you, it makes periods look like a walk in the park.  My body now wants to hold on to every pound it gains.  My body CRAVES sweets.  I think it wants me to be fat and lazy.  I need to fight my natural urges and MOVE.

I have a next-door neighbor who is a BEAUTIFUL woman.  She is my age.  Every morning I get up for work and when I look out my window I see the light is on in the room containing her treadmill.  I know she is on it every morning at six A.M.  She is dedicated to keeping her body in shape and it shows.  I need to take that as inspiration.  I WANT to be inspired and not be jealous.  This body of hers didn't JUST HAPPEN.  She works for it.  Inspiration is a positive feeling and thought.  Jealousy is a negative feeling and thought.  I'm going to choose the positive.

Now, does that mean I can get up early and use a treadmill?  I don't know.  But I can go to the gym at lunch.  I have a work-out buddy and she's VERY encouraging.  My friend is a POSITIVE person.  I think I've mentioned, for a happy healthy frame of mind one should hang around positive people.  That is what I'm going to do.

And, I'm going back to the gym.

Did I fail?

Ok, I didn't get to the gym today.  I don't think I should let this lapse define me.  I can go to the gym tomorrow, or the next day, or both.  This year I will not define myself by my failures.  I know this is what I've done the past 53 years of my life, but this year is going to be different.  I'm sitting on the couch watching Biggest Loser while typing this blog.  I'm sitting on my butt.  This show has the fattest people I've ever seen on it.  If they can change I can change.  I am going to think positively about this.

I listed five items on ebay and four of them are selling.  This makes me so happy.  I'm clearing clutter.  I would like to have the beautiful homes I see in the blogs of women I respect.  I need to start shedding items in my home I no longer need, love, or treasure.  I can do this.  I read a post by a person on my newsfeed that said "if you have more than you need you are stealing from another."  Now, I don't think he was right about this.  Having more things, food, money, etc. than you need is not "stealing" from anyone.  It is, however, gluttony.  I think the shedding of excess things will go along with my shedding of excess weight.

Now, is this the road to happiness?  I don't know the answer to this.  What I do know is that good health and a clean orderly environment will open me to doing things that make me happy.

My voice

It's all about the tenacity and stick-to-it-tiveness, isn't it?  Ok, I'm starting off on the right foot.  I'm clearing clutter.  I'm selling my clutter on ebay.  Awesome....one man's trash is another man's treasure.  I used to do this a couple years ago, but I had a nasty run-in with a coworker and yada, yada, yada...he was fired, but you know, these HR things can be really long and painful.  Anyway, I lost my momentum and ebay just fell off the radar.  Now, I'm back.  I want to clear clutter and hold on to what matters most to me.  This DOES make me happy.  I listed a few things and they are SELLING!  I hope to keep the momentum going.

And... I have a workout buddy ready to go on Tuesday.  She wants me to come to the gym on my lunch hour and exercise with her.  I HATE to exercise, but.. I will be there.  And I will let you, dear reader, hold me accountable (as well as the pants I can barely zip anymore).

Lastly, the thing that has made me the happiest.  I got a comment from two bloggers I LOVE.  EW from "in the hush of the moon" said hi to me and said my words touched her.  AND, then, B from "Farmgirl Paints" commented and thanked me for posting.   I just about jumped out of my skin, I was so happy.  My voice does make a sound..., and someone heard me.