It's Downton Abbey week and let's learn how to love like a lady

Can you believe it's the middle of August?  I mean, kids are going back to school.  Essentially, summer is over.  Done.  We're just about back to the old routine.  And speaking of the old routine... I'm missing Downton Abbey.  Aren't you?  I thought I would indulge myself in thinking about all things Downton.  Sure, I'm going to miss Matthew.  It'll be interesting to watch Mary fall in love again, or not.

I learn so much from Downton Abbey.  I'd love to have the Dowager Countess' quick wit.  I'd love to have Lady Mary's strength and confidence.  I'd love to have Lady Grantham's figure.  And don't get me started on the servants.  I covet servants.  Yet on the personal side, I'd love to have Anna's sweet disposition.

While I was longing for a little Downton Abby love I stumbled upon some blogs.  I know I'm stealing, but I'll give credit where credit is due (just click the title).  I thought some of theses were too good to miss.

5 Love Lessons From Downton Abbey 

1.  Time is precious, don't waste it!  Most of the drama between Lady Mary and Cousin Matthew could have been avoided if either one of these two said three simple words as soon as they felt them to be true: I love you.  Instead, for two seasons we watched these two stubborn, reserved individuals go through love and war — literally — together and apart, with our heart in knots.  Though they finally confessed their love for each other, other couples aren’t so lucky and never get the chance.  If you love someone, tell them while you can — because there may come a time when it is too late.

2.  We all want what we can't have. When Lady Mary's family initially tried to set her up with Cousin Matthew in an effort to secure the family estate, Lady Mary was repulsed and refused him. She turned her nose up to Cousin Matthew, dismissing him as a social-climbing nobody. Cousin Matthew wasn’t so keen on being with the snobbish Lady Mary either. However, as the two got to know one another and a relationship became impossible and forbidden, they quickly fell for each other, reminding us of an age old saying: we all want what we can’t have.

3. Sometimes things don't happen like you expect them to happen. When Lavinia Swire appeared in season two as Cousin Matthew’s fiancé and he seemed to truly LOVE her, it looked like a future for Lady Mary and Matthew was out of the question. It was hard to hate the pitiful Lavinia, who tried to do the honorable thing by staying with Cousin Matthew even after he was injured in the war and unable to bear children. Let's be honest though — we all breathed a huge (guilty) sigh of relief when Lavinia came down with the Spanish Flu. After she caught Matthew and Lady Mary kissing shortly before she died, she said, "I do have some self-worth, just not enough to make you marry the wrong person." Though it was unfortunate for Lavinia, finally, the road was clear for Lady Mary and Matthew to be together again.

4. Don't settle for love. When Lady Mary became engaged to the scoundrel-like newspaper mogul Sir Richard Carlisle, who couldn’t hold a candle to Rhett Butler, she embarked upon a path which so many people follow when they stop believing in love and give up on their lives. With Sir Richard, Lady Mary’s eyes became vacant, her spirit lifeless, her attitude mellow and subdued. Even Lord Grantham and Lady Cora didn’t want their daughter to be with the cunning Sir Richard, despite his wealth and power. Thankfully, Lady Mary came to her senses and saved herself by bravely breaking up with her fiancé, even though he threatened to ruin her by exposing her scandal so the world would know she was “not virtuous.” Lady Mary didn’t care, having been freed at last from a lifetime trapped in a loveless marriage.  The lesson: don’t ever settle for love, or you’ll be preventing yourself from finding true happiness.

5. Love isn't about being flawless.  American poet and author Henry Van Dyke once said, "Love is the heart's immortal thirst to be completely known and all forgiven."  There is no better example of love’s forgiveness than in Downton Abbey.  When Cousin Matthew is injured in the war and may never walk again or have children, all while being engaged to someone else, Lady Mary never leaves his side and accepts him for all that he is.  Likewise, Matthew dismisses any skeletons in Lady Mary’s closet (like the scandalous death of Mary’s first lover, the Turkish diplomat), when he so lovingly says, "You've lived your life, and I've lived mine. Now it's time we've lived them together."

426.  Husband home today (I missed him)
427.  Cake (chocolate)
428.  Sunshine (I miss it now that my office is in a basement)
429.  Jeff Lewis Interior Therapy (I just discovered this show.  I like it.)
430.  Mondays (they really aren't all that bad)

A Dozen Habits for a Happy Relationship

I found this little gem (12 Habits of a Happy relationship) on the internets (I know there is only one.  I was just trying to be funny.) the other day.  These were little reminders of what can make a happy relationship and they were attached to some gorgeous pics.  I thought I'd share them along with some of the things I've learned along the way of my almost (tomorrow!) 31 years of marriage.
 

#12 Settle disputes peacefully 
Speak nicely to each other.  I know when emotions are running high, usually in frustration, voices can become raised in anger.  That a tough enough thing to deal with.  What can make it worse is name calling (usually body part or animal names).  Try super hard not to do that.  If you don't like being yelled at or called names, most likely your spouse doesn't like it either.  And if children are present, it can be even worse.  Breathe before you speak.  Breathe deeply and slowly.  It'll be worth it.

#11 Spend quality time together  
Make time to be with each other.  Find time to date each other every week.  This doesn't have to be a "going out" date (but that would be nice).  Carve out time each week to check in with each other and find out how your spouse is doing.  If you get a response that is short and terse, you aren't spending enough quality time together. 

#10 Appreciate and Help each other Grow
Be your spouse's biggest encourager.  The world is far to eager to tell each of us that we aren't good enough or we will fail.  Be your spouse's cheerleader in whatever they are doing to improve themselves.  I know whenever I go on another diet I appreciate my spouse's words of encouragement much more than if he would say, "Oh, ANOTHER diet."  Nobody knows my failures better than I do.  I don't need to hear about them from my honey. 

#9 Live with Integrity
Tell each other the truth.  Lies are so damaging and trust is so hard to rebuild.  Be respectful.  Be kind.  Be that person that can be counted on.  Don't let your spouse down, if at all possible. 

#8 Be Loyal and Devoted 
Be faithful.  Be faithful when you are together and when you are apart.  Honor your committment to each other.  My husband and I were separated so much in our marriage.  There is nothing attractive about jealousy.  The love I felt from my husband by his faithfulness was the love that sustained me while I was on my own. 

#7 Love and Respect each Other as Individuals
You are responsible for your own happiness.  Nobody can make you happy.  If I have learned nothing else by writing this blog, it is that I am as happy as I decide to be.  I have learned that my happiness never comes at the expense of someone else.  If I hurt someone in order to pursue my happiness, I'm actually being selfish and I will not be happy.

#6 Lend Support during the Good Times and Bad
There will be Better and there will be Worse.  I've learned two things that have helped me to understand and to be there for my spouse in both of these situations.  What I learned was this; bad times don't last and good times don't last, either. 

#5 Understand: Every Relationship is Different
Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors.  Also, everybody lies.  I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but they do.  There is nothing wrong with picking up good ideas from marriages you admire, but don't compare your marriage to another couple's marriage.  Appreciate your marriage and make it the best it can be. 

#4 An Emphasis on Communication and Listening
Unspoken expectations are disasters waiting to happen.  Don't expect your spouse to be a mind reader.  Ask for what you want.  And remember, just because you ask doesn't mean you will get what you want, but you have a much better chance than if you say nothing at all.  So often we think our "soul mates" should just know what to do for us.  That is disappointment waiting to happen.

#3 Turn Negatives into Positives
Be a team.  There are going to be problems that arise almost every day.  Work together to turn those difficulties into successes.  The bible say that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  If you believe you can persevere, you can turn things around.

#2 Work on Thoughtfulness Every Day
Take time each day to put your spouse first.  Take time each day to say to yourself, what can I do to make my love happy?  Being thoughtful can be a learned activity.  It is so easy to be self-involved.  Making the effort to put someone else first is an act of love. 

#1 Realistic Expectations
Marriage is real life.  There are going to be good days and bad days.  There are going to be days when you don't feel the passion.  There are going to be days you do!  When my husband and I married we had one expectation for each other and that was that we didn't ever want to be divorced.  My husband came from divorce and I came from a long marriage.  Together we took the realities and ideals we had about what marriage could be and made them our marriage.  We made it our real life.

351.  My husband
352.  My son
353.  My marriage
354.  My relationship with God
355.  My savior, Jesus Christ
356.  My access to God's word
357.  My opportunity to communicate to God through prayer
358.  My husband's faith in God and me when my faith in God and me gets shakey
359.  The gift of enough tenderness of heart to have gratitude for all the blessings I've been given
360.  The desire to know God better

Small group bible study members don't always agree

I know I've written here before how much I love my small group bible study.  I do.  I love them all.

I can say I love them all, 'cause I really do love them, but does loving them mean I have to agree with them all the time?  'Cause I don't.  There is one guy in the group that likes to "push back" at me.  I can see we come at many things from opposite ends of the playing field.  A couple weeks ago we had a tiny "back and forth."  I'm not going to call it an argument, but it was kind of like the old schoolyard argument, "Can so," "Can not," "Can so," "Can not," "Can so," "Can not."  Seriously?

The topic of the debate was one of the "hot buttons" debate topics; Are homosexuals born homosexual or is it a preference?  I said that if there was a homosexual gene, we'd have heard about it by now.  There is a lot of scientists looking for it.  No one has found it.  That being said, homosexuality must be a preference.  Of course, this sounds harsh.  We all know people who are unhappy with their sexual orientation and say they wouldn't "choose" this if they, indeed, had a choice.  We all know of the identification, at a young age, of a gay person.  We can say, "Oh yeah, I knew he (or she) was gay when they were little."  I asked this guy's reasoning for saying that homosexuality was genetic and that a person was "born that way."  His answer was, "because."  (the unfortunate "back and forth" came because, in the worst form of my ISTJ personality type, "because" is not an answer)  The true answer was, of course, because someone this gentleman loves is gay.  And he does not want to believe that his friend or relative is "choosing" to be gay.  He wants to believe his friend or relative was born gay, and therefore, God created him this way.  Thus, his friend is not sinning while engaging in the homosexual lifestyle.  I completely understand this.  I do not have a "happy answer" for my bible study friend.  The only answer I have it that there is a spirit of homosexuality.  It's an evil spirit and it is not the spirit of the person it inhabits, but a separate spirit altogether.  Maybe some day I'll write an entire blog post on this concept, but for now I'm just going to leave it at this.

I felt just horrible about this conflict.  My desire is to get along with everyone in the group and not have any disagreement.  I know this is impossible, but there you have it.  When my bible study friend did not show up the following Monday I felt so guilty.  I was convincing myself that I was the cause of his absence.  (and, yes, I do realize that is quite arrogant of me)  However, he did show up last Monday.  I was so glad to see him.  I promised myself I would agree with everything he said.  I wouldn't have a dissenting opinion on anything that came up in conversation this evening.

Oh well, you know what they say about our plan's... I'm sure God had a good laugh at my expense.

The bible study on this Monday evening was Jehovah Rapha, the LORD that heals.  I was doing pretty well at keeping my thoughts to myself, but... then I said this.  I believe that depression is a luxury of the leisure class.  I believe it's a fairly recent malady of our generation.  I believe that in my grandparents generation people couldn't afford to be depressed, they had to work hard to make a living.  My generation and the subsequent generations have enough leisure time to afford their depression.  Now, of course, I wasn't saying there was no such thing as mental illness.  I wasn't saying that there was no such thing as depression.  All I was saying was that it is much more prevalent because we don't work (physically work) hard enough anymore.  We are depressed because we're fat or we're don't have enough money, or our house isn't big enough, etc.  Anyway, my bible study friend took offense at my statement.  He argued that depression was real and what I said had no truth in it.  I did not argue.  I asked him why he thought this.  He said a relative of his had committed suicide because of depression.  There was no way I was going to argue with that.  Of course, not all people complaining of depression commit suicide, but this guy could be right.  Who am I to say anything different. 

Evidently this gentleman makes all his decisions about the world around him by his personal experiences and those of his relative and close friends.  I'm certain I am not a blood relative of this man and the chance of me becoming a close friend is becoming slimmer with each encounter.  I will never be an influence on this guy's world-view.  I'm good with that.

284.  Going out for dinner with a good friend
285.  Getting flowers from my boss on Administrative Assistant's Day
286.  Azaleas beginning to bloom
287.  Dogwood trees in their full glory
288.  My small group bible study members (all of them)
289.  Smiles

Skipping Easter

I'm not going to church for the Easter service for the first time in my life, ever.  I'm going to be traveling tomorrow.  I'll be flying home from Reno, NV, via San Diego, CA.  It feels weird to think I won't be attending church on Easter this year.  I mean, even marginal christians make it to church on Easter and Christmas.  Another odd thing about this event is that I haven't been all that good at attending church, period.  I'm still struggling with attending traditional church services.  I had to quit one church, because of the mean church ladies I was in a bible study with, but I found another church.  It's just hard to trust people with something as vulnerable as my faith.  I'm working on it.  And, it's coming along.  I am trying to attend more regularly.

This Easter I'll be on a plane.  I'll be thinking about how loved I am.  I'll be thinking that the love Jesus had for me is what held him on the cross.  Those nails were unnecessary.  I'll be thinking about how loved I am by my Lord.  I'll be contemplating the blessings I have in my life because I trust the promises of God.  I'll be dwelling on the hope I have because of the death and resurrection of Jesus.  And, I'll be listening to this song on my iPhone.  My dad used to sing this song at every Good Friday service or Easter service I attended when I was a kid.  Btw, this guy does a good job singing the song, but my dad ROCKED this song in the day.

He is risen, my friends.  He is risen, indeed.

251.  Beautiful drive in the mountains
252.  Being treated like royalty at Harrah's hotel in Reno
253.  Looking forward to getting to my home, seeing my son and my dog
254.  Chocolate
255.  Watching children hunt for Easter eggs
256.  Hearing the words, Easter eggs, Easter, Easter bunny and not "spring" eggs and "spring" bunny
257.  Hearing news anchors being appalled that the word Easter has become offensive to some
258.  Knowing the God I serve is big enough to withstand this insult

I'm not equal to you

This week the talk has been all about equality.  No matter who we are, men, women, asian, black, white, hispanic, muslim, christian, jew, gay, straight, rich, poor, smart, stupid, ambitious, lazy, all I hear is that we are all equal. 

I don't buy it.

What does equal mean?  I certainly don't contribute as much to society as a Bill Gates or a Pierre & Pam Omidyar or a Billy Graham and on and on.  I certainly do contribute more than a Casey Anthony or a Jodi Arias.  I'm not as smart as Stephen Hawking or Paul Allen, but I am smart enough to stay out of debt, raise a family, and save for my retirement.  What does it mean to be equal?  I'm not as popular as Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber.  I'm not as pretty as Julia Roberts or Angelina Jolie.  Do I think I'm equal to any of those people?  I'm going to tell you, I don't.  And, I don't think you are either.

We look to the Declaration of  Independence to find the sentence we hang the hat of all this "equality" business.  "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."  Does this mean that what everyone does with the potential of that Life, Liberty, etc. is equal?  I don't think so.

Here's what I do think.  God created every person with an equal purpose.  That purpose is to give God the glory in all we do!

We don't all produce the same results with our God-given lives.  We have each been given different talents, opportunities, and influences in our lives.  But here is where we have taken a wrong turn in our God-given lives.  We live as if we are each living an individual life.  We live as if what we do every day in every aspect of our lives does not effect anyone else.  We forget that we were created to live in community.  We put our individual desires above the desire to glorify God.  We put our individual desires above the command to love our neighbor as ourselves.

I am a christian.  I am  sinner.  Every day I choose to resist or give in to temptation.  When I give in to my sinful nature, I plead God's forgiveness.  My desire is not to be equal to my neighbor, but to love my neighbor as God loves me.  My desire is not to be equal, but to be a servant.  My desire is to be salt and light in a fallen world.

I won't be changing my fb photo to an equal sign.  During this holiest of weeks, I will be focusing on being forgiven and reconciled to my creator God through the life, suffering, bloodshed, and death of my savior, Jesus.  I pray, as I pray daily, for this nation and the desires of the hearts of the people of this nation.  I pray as Jesus prayed on the cross, "Father, forgive them.  For they know not what they are doing."

241.  Watching storm-clouds part and see the sun come shining through
242.  Bacon
243.  Time spent with old friends
244.  Hearing my husband say he is very happy in his marriage
245.  Practicing smiling at people
246.  Vacation

Does everyone hate themselves? Just a little bit?

I hate myself.  Maybe it's just me, but I don't think so.  I even say it out loud sometimes.  I try not to say it out loud at work, because it does sound a little crazy when someone else hears the words.  It doesn't sound crazy to me, at all.  I'm used to hearing the words in my head dozens of times each day.  But when my husband hears me say it out loud he looks at me like I may be a little crazy.  Or maybe he's just sad for me.  I don't think my husband ever hears those words in his head.

I try to figure out why I'm so tough on myself and I hardly ever let myself off the hook.  I mostly blame my parents.  I mean, isn't it your parents that really screw you up?  I think my kid thinks this about me sometimes.  I tell myself that I'm over my childhood.  I'm an adult and I'm responsible for my own feelings and thoughts.  My parents did the best they could with what they had.  I was a rebellious child.  I'm sure I made it tough on them.

I feel it is insulting to God to tell myself that I hate myself when I know how much he loves me.  I've been told it is the devil that is always in my ear, telling me I'm not good and I don't deserve self-love.  It's such a struggle.  That negative voice is SCREAMING in my head and the voice of God is still and soft.  I know I am to be accountable for every word I utter.  I know Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount that hating my brother is the same as murdering him.  So when I say I hate myself am I committing suicide?

It's such a dilemma.  I don't hate myself enough to allow myself too much discomfort or pain.  I'm not keeping creature comforts like too much food and a soft bed and too much idleness from being in my life, but then I am so disappointed and loathing of myself because I've done those things.  When have I been good enough?  Which day will I have accomplished enough to tell myself, "well done?" 

There are bible studies devoted to having biblical self esteem.  Maybe I was born in the wrong time.  Maybe being born in this time when having high self esteem was the most important thing one could have makes it so noticeable that I'm different.  I certainly am not part of the YouTube generation.  I know I can't do anything.  I know that if pride is a sin, then pride is something done in a shoddy manner must be worse than a sin.

I'm searching for the cure.  I'm looking for the balance between loving myself and not indulging myself.  The balance between striving to do better and hating myself when I don't meet my own standard.  I can't get this self-appreciation from outside of myself.  I'm going to have to pull it out from within myself.  I've made some inroads to recovery by focusing on the things I am grateful to have in my life.  But even that is a double edged sword.  If I can't think of something I'm grateful to have immediately, I think of myself as being selfish and ungrateful because I know I am so blessed.

One thing I know for sure is that because I have the Holy Spirit living in my heart, I will be able  to find this love of self.  Maybe I can learn to accept this feeling of self-loathing and then remind myself I am completely loved and accepted by the creator of the universe, so what I think of me is much less important than what he thinks of me.  I don't want to set my bar lower.  I see too much dumbing down and acceptance of mediocrity to lower my standards.

What have you done to be an overcomer of this condition of self-hate?

I'm linking with Emily today at Imperfect Prose on Thursday. 


210.  Anticipation of meeting up with old friends
211.  Seeing sunshine after a gray, dreary day yesterday
212.  Daffodiles
213.  Forsythias
214.  The color yellow (it's such a happy color)

Love and marriage

You'd think the institution of marriage would be linked to the concept of love, don't cha?  Yet with better than half of the marriages in the US ending in divorce, this doesn't seem to be the case.  It's sad that it has become so easy to divorce.  It's sad that many are choosing to avoid marriage and the commitment and sacrament that it is meant to be.  It's sad that most children today don't live with a mother and a father that have only been married to each other.

I am so blessed to be in a long marriage.  I've been married over 30 years.  My secret to a long marriage is simple.  Don't get divorced.

Believe me, I know marriage is difficult.  My marriage isn't special or blessed or easier than anyone else's marriage.  My husband and I just decided we wouldn't get divorced.  No matter what, we didn't want to get divorced.  I know this sounds like an impossibility.  Of course, there were absolute deal breakers.  Of course, I wouldn't tolerate abuse.  But everything else was a negotiable.  I won't break the privacy of my marriage and share the things we have forgiven each other, but let me tell you, some of these forgivables are things that are considered deal breakers in a lot of marriages that fail.

We have learned a lot of things about staying married during our 30 years as a couple.  One of the first things we learned, and this was learned at a marriage retreat we were sent to attend by the church we were attending at the time, (see, life wasn't all diamonds and roses) is that my spouse is not my enemy.  Did you get that one?  My Spouse is NOT my Enemy!

This was a revelation.  It's been at least 15 years since I heard that phrase and I still remember it.  This was life changing stuff for me.

Another thing that has kept our marriage together is a couple verses in the bible.

Ephesians 5:22, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord."

The other verse that has helped comes very near after the above.

Ephesians 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..."

And, the thing we do that makes these verses work well for us is to only work on the verse that references each of us, specifically.  I work on verse 22 and I leave verse 25 to him.  We find this is much more effective than monitoring how the other is doing on their respective verse.

There are more words from the bible about love.  My husband and I had these words read at our wedding ceremony.  At the time, I believed the minister was reading these words for my husband's benefit.  Now I know, they were for me. 

I Corinthians 13:4-8, "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away."

The last thing we have found to be a key to a long and happy marriage is one simple phrase.  This phrase is always appropriate.  This phrase is always welcome.  This phrase can be used in almost all situations.  This phrase is not only appropriate for husbands to say to wives, or wives to say to husbands, but also children can say it to parents and parents can say it to children.  Friends can use this phrase.  Co-workers can use this phrase.  Seriously, these are magical words.  Do you want to know what they are?

"How can I help you?"

So simple, but so effective. 

 

 I'm linking with Emily today at Imperfect Prose on Thursdays

160.  Husband coming home tomorrow
161.  Progress on getting a raise
162.  My ankle and knee are just about healed
163.  Buying train tickets to NYC
164.  Cheese and cherry danish
165.  Dreaming of tulips
166.  Finding a solution to a difficulty with a co-worker that works for everyone
167.  Being Happy in this day and enjoying the feeling of Being Happy

Messy Christmas

I hope you thought this blog title was a typo.  Alas, it is not.  This year I'm having a messy Christmas.  I'm not saying it won't be a happy Christmas, but it is messy, none the less.

Long long ago, when I was a sah-mom, I gloried in decorating my house, inside and out, for Christmas.  I looked forward to cranking up the Kenny G and hanging ornaments on the tree.  I loved switching out the everyday towels in the kitchen and bathroom with cute snowman and reindeer monogrammed towels.  There would typically be an entire weekend devoted to baking Christmas cookies and sweet treats for teachers and babysitters and friends and church parties.  I looked forward to setting out the lladro nativity set and telling the Christmas story to my son.  Typically all worked stopped for a Charlie Brown Christmas or Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or It's a Wonderful Life.  It was Christmas for at least a month at our house and I loved it.

I have noticed the past few years, Christmas has been becoming a bit slapdash at my house.  Eventually I get the tree up and decorated and get the Christmas cards written and sent.  Eventually I get my husband to put up the outdoor lights and hang the wreaths on the windows.  Eventually I bake a few cookies for my co-workers and neighbors.  And on Christmas day I cook dinner for my family and whomever else is visiting.  If I don't cook the dinner, then I must be on the road traveling to visit my family far and wide in this great nation.

This year, I believe is the year I don't eventually get much of this stuff done.  This year, Christmas is going to be messy.

I did convince my husband to put up the outdoor lights during half-time of the Redskins game a couple weeks ago, but the wreaths did not make it out of the eaves.  I did get the artificial tree dragged out of the attic.  We hadn't used the artificial tree in so long we didn't remember how to put it together.  After a few sharp words between my love and myself, and finding the reading glasses and an extension cord, the tree is assembled and lit.  There are no ornaments hung on this tree.  I have no idea when that is going to happen.  There are gifts wrapped in logo-stamped plastic bags arranged around the base of the tree, which is in the "living room" we never use because we didn't feel like moving the grandfather clock out of the entryway and putting the tree where we usually put the tree.  I can guarantee that no baking will be happening this year.  This may be good for the waistline, but it's sad for the spirit.  Neighbors and friends are getting wine.  I hope they're good with that, 'cause that's the best I can do.

I'm attempting to write my Christmas cards during working hours.  I know this is wrong, but this is when I can find a moment or two.  I'm shopping for my mom and dad on line and even at that, I'm hoping I ordered early enough to get Christmas delivery. 

I'm going to guess the very first Christmas was a Messy Christmas, too.  There is just something about giving birth that is messy enough, but giving birth in a cow-stall sounds very messy.  Thank goodness for the angels coming to the shepherds and giving them the news of Jesus birth.  I always like to think they were glowing or radiating some form of heavenly light.  I've never been to Israel, but I've been to other countries in the Mediterranean region, so I know there were evergreen bushes and trees.  Who knows, maybe they had Christmas candles in the barn?  They were probably made of tallow, so no sugar cookies scent, but candles.

Christmas will still come whether my decorations are up or not.  The meaning of Christmas will not change because I haven't put out the nativity set.  Christmas will still be Emmanuel and hope coming to Earth.  And Christmas will be full of joy and family and love without a huge Christmas dinner.  I'm crossing my fingers that Netflix streams a Charlie Brown Christmas, but if they don't it will still be Christmas. 

By the way, if anyone wants to buy a nativity set, feel free to email me.  I'm willing to let it go.

754.  Photography bloggers with their Christmas pictures
755.  Bakeries that sell Christmas cookies
756.  Trader Joe's that sell wine (thank goodness I live near VA)
757.  Off-site meetings my boss must attend  :)
758.  The magi Christmas stamps and a US Postal worker wishing me a Merry Christmas
759.  Kenny G on Pandora
760.  A sunny day in December after many gloomy days in a row
761.  The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel  (rent this!)
762.  It's a good day in the market
763.  Being invited to houses that are decorated for Christmas like a picture in a catalog
764.  Almost everyone likes wine
765.  Remembering good times with old friends when I write their Christmas cards
766.  Children's Christmas pageants at church
767.  Christmas carols

Why I don't hug

I'm not a hugger.  I don't like hugging.  It's not that I never hug.  It's just that it doesn't come easily for me.  I can hug my husband.  I don't do it often, and he doesn't ask me to do it often, but I can do it.  I can hug my mom and dad.  I can hug my son, but it is hard for me to do.  Weird, huh?  I read Emily's guest post yesterday at Nancy's blog, Out of My Alleged Mind.  So much of it broke my heart.  If you have an extra 5 minutes, click and read Em's story.

What is it about hugging that makes it hard for me to do it?  I know my answer, but it's hard to speak the words.  Maybe writing my reasons here will make it easier for me to understand them.  I can't believe how much my aversion to hugging has to do with my poor body image.  This is hard for me to share... here goes.  I don't like to feel the body of the person I hug and I REALLY don't want a person hugging me to feel my body.  There, I said it.  I don't like the feel of hugging anyone.  If they are overweight, I like it even less.  This is because I think they are thinking the same way I think about myself.  I hate the way my breasts feel, to me, when I hug someone.  I know my breasts are pushed up against their body.  I think to myself how absolutely horrible it must be for them to have to feel that part of my body smooshed up against their body.  The feeling makes me hate myself and my body because my body isn't what I wish it was.  I wish my breasts were small.  I wish my body was thin and athletic.  I am completely grossed out by the thought of someone's hands touching my back and feeling the indentation of my bra strap in my back fat.  If I hug a thin person, it isn't any better.  I think they think I'm disgusting.  My feelings of disgust of my body when hugging a thin person are equally overwhelming.  I feel as if I'm smothering them or crushing them.  They feel so small and fragile, I begin to feel like a giant and I can't get my hands off them quick enough.  I know these are just feelings and there is, most likely, nothing based in reality in them, but there you have it.  (who said ISTJ's don't have feelings?)

As I think about these feelings and thoughts I experience when hugging, I am reminded that it is much easier for me to hug someone who is wearing a coat or jacket.  It is much more difficult to hug someone wearing a tee-shirt or blouse.  I am absolutely sure I wouldn't be able to hug someone in a bathing suit or without a shirt.

I feel these same feelings when I am asked to hug children or hold a child.  I am uncomfortable touching or holding them.  I have an idea that the children want to escape my touch as quickly as possible.  I don't like the feeling of their chubby legs and arms touching my skin.  Don't get me wrong, I can push through this aversion and hold a child or hug a child, but if I don't have to do it, I won't offer.  It's just not something I'm comfortable doing.  While we were on vacation my husband's friend and his family came to visit.  They have two children.  We walked to a restaurant.  On the walk to the restaurant, the children held the hands of their parents.  (they are six years old and we were walking along a heavily trafficked road)  On the way back to the hotel, they must have felt more comfortable with us because the little boy wanted to hold my hand as we walked.  We chatted, but the whole walk I kept thinking, when will he want to pull away from me and not want to hold my hand anymore?  I was sure it would happen at any time.  I guess I didn't want to be rejected by a child.  Strange thoughts, I know.

At our church we "pass the peace of Christ" with a handshake.  (thank goodness there is no "holy kiss")  It is the MOST awkward time of the service for me.  Most of the time, hands miss or I notice I'm shaking the hand and wishing the peace of Christ to someone who is not even looking at me anymore.  The touching seems so forced and uncomfortable.  I really don't like this part of the service.  I don't mind shaking hands in a business situation, but I don't get all that excited about a handshake, either, it's just what we do in this country.

I think I was less uncomfortable with the greetings in Italy.  Even though I had to kiss both cheeks and have both cheeks kissed, there was a comfort in the way we grabbed shoulders and kissed and didn't have to embrace.

I shared this post today for a couple of reasons.  First, because I'm pretty sure I am not the only person out there with these feelings.  Blogging is such a great way to discover that other people have the same thoughts going through their heads that I have going through my head.  Secondly, I wrote this post to share that the reason I don't hug is all about me.  It as nothing to do with the other person.  The people I don't want to hug are completely lovable and huggable.  The other people are even people I like a lot.  I try so hard to make warm eye contact in place of the hug.  I try so hard to say the right thing and smile the right smile in place of the hug.  The reason you typically won't get a hug from me isn't about you, it's all about me. 

379.  Warm smiles
380.  Kisses on the cheek
381.  Words of affirmation
382.  Kind eye contact
383.  Kind words

Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursdays

Love, you just KNOW it

I read a question on an MBTI forum the other day.  It was from a guy and he said he was an ISTJ.  He asked how you know when you're in love.  His question was flooded with responses from all the personality types out there and the most common answer was, "When you are in love, you just KNOW it."

I listened to a radio show on a christian radio station last night, as I was driving to my small group bible study.  It was about parenting your adult daughter and how to deal with her strong feelings of love and desire to marry whomever she has these feelings for because, "When you are in love, you just KNOW it."

I remembered a day, 23 years ago, I was having a conversation with my brother.  He was about to be married and I wasn't going to be able to attend his wedding.  I was ill with Bell's Palsy and I lived 2000 miles away from where the wedding was to be held.  I told him I may be able to get myself to Chicago to attend the wedding, but I was in a lot of pain and I couldn't guarantee I would feel well enough to leave my hotel room to attend the wedding once I was there.  I told him I would have plenty of opportunities to spend time with his new bride and get to know her.  My brother was upset about this and said, "Oh HappyGirl, you just don't know what it is like to be in love."

When I read the question from the ISTJ young man questioning the status of his relationship, I understood him completely.  Not all of us just KNOW when we are in love.  Not all of us are overwhelmed by intense feelings of love.  I know when I met my husband and was involved in a relationship with him, I kept waiting for the feelings that would let me know I was in love with him.  I wondered what they would feel like.  I liked my husband, a lot.  I looked forward to his calls and talking to him on the phone about nothing, really.  I looked forward to my trips to Jacksonville, FL to visit him and I looked forward to his visits to Chicago.  I remember thinking to myself, before my husband asked me to marry him, that this guy would be a good guy to be married to.  I thought we could have a good life together.  I thought we had a lot in common, but enough differences to keep life interesting.  Is this what "being in love" feels like?  I didn't know.

I've always wondered about the feelings of love.  I love my parents.  I've listened to people who have lost their mother or father and they are devastated.  I wonder, to myself, will I be devastated at the loss of my mother?  I talk to her on the phone, every day.  Will I be grief stricken because I love them so much?  If I'm not grief stricken, will that mean I didn't love them that much?

ISTJ's as lovers.  ISTJs are committed, loyal partners, who will put forth tremendous amounts of effort into making their relationships work. Once they have made a commitment to a relationship, they will stick with it until the end. They gladly accept their duty towards fulfilling their role in the relationship. ISTJs are generally willing and able to do anything which they have defined as a goal. So, if maintaining a good relationship is important to the ISTJ, they are likely to have a good relationship. If they have not added this goal to their internal "list" of duties, they are likely to approach the relationship in their "natural" state, which is extremely practical, traditional, and structured.

This is how I love.  I have to say, on paper, this looks pretty boring.  I love in a practical, traditional, and structured way.  I wanted to answer the ISTJ guy's question and tell him he is in love if he decides he's in love.  When he decides he's in love, he will just know it, because he's made the decision.  I wanted to tell the mom that her daughter sounds like a feeler and feelers do things with no contextual basis.  They just DO stuff.  I wanted to tell my brother, 23 years ago, that I DO know what it's like to be in love.  I am in love with my husband.  I had been married to my husband for seven years and we had a two year old son.  I knew what love was.  I was living it.  I'm lucky, I'm married to an ISTJ, so neither of us expect any great outbursts of feeling, happy or sad.  We adore doing things we have asked each other to do.  We don't mind if there is no big surprise or outpouring of emotion.  In fact, that would probably make both of us pretty uncomfortable.

So, you will never see my fb status say, "I wish my husband didn't have to go to work, EVER!"  I don't get jealous and I'm not clingy.  In fact, I wonder if he wonders the same things I wonder, like, "what does he see in me?" and "what does he love about me?"  Maybe we all, secretly, wonder this sort of thing.

Counting my gratitudes every day
374.  Being accepted for who I am
375.  Being understood for how I am
376.  Being loved for just being me
377.  Knowing Jesus is the same MBTI type as me
378.  Knowing my feelings are there, I just don't have to let everyone know about them

The unfairness of God's grace and love

Luke 15:11-32  The Parable of the Lost Son

Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

“Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. 

“The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. 

“Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

Last night's small group bible study lesson was on this story Jesus told about the Prodigal Son.  This is such a lousy name for this story.  I think this story should be called the Father's Great Love, but nobody asked me.

There are three main characters in this story.  There is the younger son, the father, and the older son.  The story begins with the younger son asking for his inheritance, leaving home, and spending the money as fast as he possibly can.  We don't know anything more about this kid.  We don't know why he wants to leave.  We can only guess.  I'm guessing he was thinking he could do better than his father and he wasn't too happy living under his father's authority.  The economy takes a turn after junior has spent all his money and now he's slopping pigs and so hungry the pig slop is looking quite delicious to him.

Long story short, the kid comes home with his tail between his legs, the father welcomes him and throws a party and this annoys the older son.  First of all, it doesn't appear he was even invited to the party.  It appears he is out WORKING and he hears the party going on inside the house.  The father begs this older son to come in a join the party.  He wants him to be happy junior is home after however long it's been.  Older son isn't having any of it.  In fact, he begins to complain that he never even got to have a party with his friends.  (this may have been the reason junior left)  The father again reminds the older son to be happy junior is home and reminds him he has been living with his inheritance this whole time and it is still intact.

My group understood the obvious forgiveness the father had for the younger son.  However, we had a more difficult time with the relationship with the father and the older son.  Again, we came up against the unfairness of God.  God just does what he wants to do when he wants to do it.  We batted this story around with all our humanness and matched it up with our own parental and sibling relationships.  It's amazing how fair parents try to be and how unfair parental love is perceived by their children.  I know this is true for me.

I am currently in a fairly tense time with my dad.  My dad and my brother have been in a fight for the past three years.  It's stupid.  I can't even get into all the stupid involved in this fight.  But let's just get this out in the open.  It's about money.  What else, right?  Anyway, the most recent level of stupid has come from my father and his belief that I am on my brother's side against him.  This, of course, is not true.  I'm on my side.  I'm the only one I'll side with in any situation like this.  I'm not getting down in the mud with any of them.  There you are.  This is my idea of what a father is and does and this is what I bring to the understanding of this story.  Obviously I'll never see the point of this story using my dad as the father figure.

Back to what I said earlier, this story is definitely misnamed.  This story is all about the father's love and how HUGE it is.  It's so big it can handle being thrown away by the younger son.  It's so big it can handle being minimized by the older son.  God's love wants all to be encompassed in it.  God wants for all to be reconciled to him.

The younger son is like the lost sheep that is searched for and found and brought back into the flock, like it says in Luke 15:3-7.  What verses can we use for the older son?  This son that feels as if there isn't enough of his father's love for him, even though he's stayed near his father his whole life.  Even though he's worked in the fields for his father.  What verse can we use when we feel the love we are getting from God isn't enough or it's been pulled away from us and we a feeling taken for granted, or worse, punished.  Maybe we can use these verses from Romans 8:35-39.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution of famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:  "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

203.  Once I belong to God, nothing can take me from him
204.  My small group bible study and the love they give me
205.  God's word reminding me how BIG God's love is
206.  Reminded that I don't have to be a wild child to prove God loves me
207.  Coffee (I just don't think I can say thank you enough for the coffee)

Linking with Soli Deo Gloria

The right way to love

It's been a jam-packed past two weeks for me.  Crazy busy.  Work has been busy.  Home has been busy.  I was on 40 mg of prednisone every day for five days, so I wasn't able to sleep for ten days, craziness.  Today I feel like there has been a break in the urgency of the past two weeks.  I thought, great, I'll write my blog.  I sit down to write and nothing comes to mind.  Nothing.  I feel like laying down and taking a nap, but I'm having a tough time with a subject for this day.

Le sigh...

My husband is still in Tahoe, skiing.  Lucky guy.  I miss him.  I'm doing just fine at home with the dog and the kid, but I miss him.  This is a good thing, right?  It must mean that I love him if I miss him.  Right?  Yeah, I love him.  I used to wonder if I ever truly loved anyone when I was younger.  I used to think about my parents and wondered if the feelings I had toward them was love.  I wondered the same thing about my feelings toward my brothers.  My feelings never felt like I thought the "loving feelings" on tv shows or movies looked.  I never once felt the pang of homesickness when I went away to camp or sleepovers.  I remember looking at the kids that were crying and wondering what was going on with them.  Did they love their parents so much more than I loved mine that they couldn't bear to leave them?  And if this was so, why were they going to camp if they all loved each other so much?  Wouldn't it be better to stay together, at home?  I wondered about my ability to love with boyfriends in high school.  I dated a fair amount, but I wouldn't say I was "in love" with any of these boys.  In fact, the boy I was dating just before senior prom broke up with me and I didn't get to go to prom.  The reason he broke up with me was because he discovered the only reason I was dating him was to go to prom.  This was not very nice of me, so I deserved the break up.  I still wonder how he found this out.  Hmm?  Then I met my husband and we fell in love.  I still can't say what it was about my feelings for him that made it clear I was "in love" with him.  I liked him.  We had a long distance relationship.  He was in Jacksonville, FL and I was in Chicago, IL.  We laughingly say we had five dates and were married.  He went out to sea for nine months immediately after our honeymoon.  I missed him, but I was fine.  I certainly didn't cry every day and, sadly, I hardly wrote him any letters.  He, on the other hand, wrote to me almost every day.  There were more separations in our marriage because of his job with the navy, and I tolerated them quite well.  I guess the way I love doesn't depend on being next to the person I love at all times.  I never wished we could be together ALL the time.  I didn't need to talk to him on the phone while he was at work.  I handled time apart very well.  Yet, I wondered if this meant there was something "wrong" about the way I love people.  Did this ability to give my parents, my brothers, my boyfriends, my husband, my son and other people I love, their space and be completely ok with time apart and enjoy my independence, as well, mean I didn't love people well?  In fact, now that I think about it, any time I was in a relationship with someone a bit too clingy or if I have a friend that needs a little too much of my time I tend to distance myself from them.

I'm beginning to think I attract people who don't need to have me cling to them to feel loved.  My parents are not the most touchy-feely people.  In fact, when I tell my mother "I love you" on the phone, before I hang up, she often stumbles over the words, "I love you, too."  They just don't come naturally to her.  My brothers and me are close, but we don't talk to each other often.  I think we like each other, well enough, but we aren't the kind of siblings that will go on vacation together.  I think we could, but we just don't think of it.  In the case of my husband, it's funny, I think I like being with him more now than I did when we were younger.  I guess we've gotten used to each other.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sleeping just fine with him away.

If they made movies about the way I show love and need to be loved, the movie would be pretty boring.  Maybe that's why they use the crying, clinging, "I can't live without you" kind of love for the silver screen.  There's a chance I could be wrong about all this and I'm just a cold fish when it comes to love, but I don't think so.

One of my readers, Brandee, told me about love languages.  Evidently everyone feels loved by one or more of the five love languages.  Somehow, I had never heard of this.  The five languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.  I'm fairly certain I'm not into the touch or the gifts.  There is a test one can take to determine your love language.  I think I'm going to take the test and discover which is my mother tongue.  I'm going to guess it is acts of service because I'm really missing the fact that my husband takes care of the dog and takes out the garbage.  I'll let you know how this turns out.

84.  Quieter day at work
85.  Readers with good information
86.  Hot coffee in the afternoon, sometimes
87.  This blog.  It explains why I am the way I am
88.  A great conversation with my son
89.  Another sunny spring day

The greatest of these is love

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

These were the words the minister spoke at my wedding almost 30 years ago.  I was 25 years old.  I didn't know anything about love.  I thought love was about how I felt.  I thought I showed love by what I did for those I loved.  I thought kisses showed love.  I thought hugs showed love.  I didn't really know anything about love.  I still find I fall into the trap of doing love instead of being love.    Love is the greatest, but love is the trickiest.  

Advertising messes up our ideas about love.  Hollywood distorts what love is supposed to look like.  Everything out there makes it look like love is a destination.  The world makes it look like love is something we can get to or attain.  We forget, love is something we already have within ourselves.  And we really forget that the more love we give away, the more love we have to give.

I remember being in college and thinking about love.  I took many philosophy classes in college.  Philosophy classes can have the side-effect of causing one to think too much.  I always struggled with the idea of love.  I was afraid I was a person incapable of loving someone.  I would imagine my life without my parents or my brothers or my boyfriend and I would feel, ...nothing.  I didn't feel fear or dread or loss or anything.  Of course, this was an academic exercise, as all these people were alive and well and in my life.  But, I thought I should be able to feel something.  something.  This fear, of not being capable of love, had haunted me for much of my life.

I know I am capable of loving and being loved.  I know, clearly, I'm not the type of person that dwells heavily in feelings.  I'm the kind of person who dwells in the concrete and the "here and now."  You can be pretty sure the person writing the sentiments inside the hallmark cards is not an ISTJ, like me.  I believe my duty and commitment to the people I love are evidence of my love.

When I read the 1 Corinthians 13 verses I find more comfort in them than I did on my wedding day.  Today I am more accepting of the personality God gave me.  When I read these words about love I see myself in them.  I see the way I demonstrate love in them.  When I give my word, I mean it.  I am not the clanging gong.  When I take on an obligation, I do what it takes to fulfill my duty.  I will be constant in my commitment.  When I was young, the words in these verses seemed impossible, out of reach.  Now I know these words describe the only motivation that gives worth to anything we do on this Earth.  If we act out of any motivation but love, there is no value.

I must have faith in God and in my salvation, I must have hope all is in God's hands and he will bring me home to him, and I must have love for God and my fellow humans walking this dull sod.  This is the greatest of the three.  I must love.  

Confessions of a hater

I think it's time I started working on a problem I have.  I have a tendency to exhibit some self-loathing.  I sometime have hateful thoughts about myself.  Sometimes I actually say these thoughts out loud.  I am not proud of this.  I really want to stop it.  I know annoys my husband.  These thoughts come to me as soon as the alarm sounds on work days.  I'm able to push them out of my head while I'm at work, most of the time.  Maybe this is a form of compartmentalization on my part.  However, if I make an error, the negative thoughts come rushing back to my mind.  On the weekends I struggle with negative thoughts if I am not completing all the tasks I have set for myself.  The thoughts that swim around my head are always the same ones.  The list is short, but brutal. 

• I hate myself
• I am a failure
• I'm no good
• I don't deserve...(this one can be very difficult)
• Everybody hates me
• I'm ugly 

When I started this blog I was hoping it would help me combat some of this self-loathing.  I even started a Happy Thoughts page to turn the negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  So far, not so good.  I'm going to do a re-start on this project of treating myself better. 

I've always wondered how those people with such incredibly high self esteem, yet are average or even marginal at whatever they do,  manage it.  Do they feel great about themselves all the time?  Do they have moments when they question their sense of self worth?  Do they have moments when they say to themselves, "I'm a failure."  I know I don't always feel these feelings of self-hatred.  Sometimes I feel just fine.  Sometimes I'm proud of myself.  It's those moments of self-loathing I want to eliminate.   

I found a list of things to do to work on this problem.  (dontcha just love the internet?)

• I'm going to start treating myself the way I treat my friends.  I forgive their shortcomings.  I need to forgive my own shortcomings.
• I need to interrupt the negative self-talk.  I need to stop.  Breath.  Maybe turn myself around.  Anything to break the pattern.
• I'm going to talk back to myself.  Especially if I say something negative about myself out loud.  If I say, "I'm a failure" I'll reply to myself, "I'm pretty darn good."
• I need to exaggerate my worthiness.  Maybe I need to take 5 minutes out of my day to praise myself.
• I'm debating whether or not I need to search for the reason I have this self-loathing.  I don't know if it is worth the effort.  The list says to write down reasons, but I think I know.  I'm in the business of being forgiving, not looking to blame.
• Remind myself why this negative self-talk is bad for me.

I saw a cartoon in the New Yorker.  A woman was holding a lamp.  She says to her friend, "It's so me, but I hate myself."  It's good to know I'm not alone.

Collin, he's 10 years old

I wasn't able to find an Angel Tree this year.  However, after talking to my study group, we decided to "adopt" two families for Christmas.  I was assigned Collin, he's 10 years old.  When these families are selected to be made available for Christmas "adoption" the children are asked to make a list of Christmas gifts they would like to receive.  To me, it sounds a lot like asking Santa for gifts, but instead of going in one ear and out the other, these kids will have a shot at actually getting the things they want for Christmas.  So, you can call me Santa, Collin.  It's crystal clear I have not been hanging around with many 10 year old boys lately.  I'd like to share Collin's list.  Any insight into what the heck some of these things are will be appreciated.

Pajama pants - size 10-12
Color Explosion 3D
Color Explosion Illusion
Color Explosion Glow Book
Color Explosion Glow Dome
Halo Character Masterchief
Connect 4 Sponge Bob
Sorry Spin
Sonic Book Volume 13
XBox 360 Disney Universe
XBox 360 Skylander
XBox 360 Spy Rose Adventure

Yikes!!!  I know what pajama pants are.  I'm fairly clear on Connect 4, however the Sponge Bob thing has me a bit baffled.  Everything else is a mystery to me.

I'm very happy to be able to adopt Collin this Christmas.  I hope he has a wonderful Christmas morning and feels the love.  I have to have the gifts purchased and wrapped by Monday, so there is that pressure (I'm going to AC for the weekend).  But, all in all, I'm loving it.  So far this Christmas is turning out to be one of the best, EVER.

My tree is up.  My house has lights on the outside.  I bought ingredients for one type of cookies, but I'll make four batches for gifts.  I'm anticipating the coming of my King.  Today I read about Jesus being the servant of all.  In Mark's gospel, Jesus took a child in his arms and told his disciples whoever received a child in his name would receive him, and the one who sent him.  Today, I will focus on being a servant.  The first person I will serve is Collin.  He's 10 years old.

Linked to Emily at Imperfect Prose.

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you for all you've done for our family during this difficult time in our lives.  Thank you for patching our roof with a patch strong enough to last for a year.  I know you worked for two days on this patch just to put my mind at ease and allow me peace while we traveled west.  I know, because I see them everyday, that a blue plastic tarp would have kept most of the rain out of our house, but it wouldn't have allowed me to enjoy my time away from the house.  That's what you did for me.  You scrubbed your fingerprints from your fingertips with your hard work.

Thank you for cutting up the trees and moving the debris to the side of the road.  I saw you out there in the drizzle working all day.  I know you did this for me.  The mess of the trees and dying leaves and you are out there cleaning it up.  All for me.  Because you know the chaos brings me so low.  Thank you for telling me our son was helpful in this process.  It helps me feel better about him when I think he has pleased you.  I love you both so much.

You are a very good man.  You have sacrificed so much of yourself for our family.  I know you have put your education to the side to work on our home.  I know you feel frustrated by the time passing during your dissertation process.  You are more than a PhD.  You have done more for our family with the time and effort you have spent trading options and managing our portfolio.  You are so smart.  And lucky.  I thank God for the luck he has given you.  I know the luck comes from your good sense and your willingness to work hard.  So, what I mean is, I thank God for you.  If you decide to continue your schoolwork, I will support you in every way.  I feel I can do more in our home restoration process.  I am coming out of the depression I was feeling and I know I can do better.  *amazing what a good night's sleep will do.

Thank you for reminding me of your love for me.  I know my self doubt and whining must be so annoying.  Yet you are always there to boost my spirit.  I want to do the same for you, and yet it doesn't come easily for me.  And you love me anyway.  You understand my character flaws and love me in spite of them.  And I appreciate this more than I can say.  I love you so much.  I often feel unworthy of the love you have for me, and that is why I doubt it sometimes.  Thank you for understanding this about me.

It is said our true nature is revealed in adversity.  You have a generous, loving, compassionate nature.  This is what has been revealed to our family.  I hope these words convey the depth of my feelings for you.  I want to be your partner in this life.  I want to be strong for you.  Thank you for being there for me while I was down.  Thank you for appreciating me when I don't appreciate myself.  If you ever find yourself doubting yourself, stop.  You are a very good man.  One of the best.

Maya Angelou knows something about life

I've never been a huge Maya Angelou fan.  Maybe because of Oprah.  Maybe because of Bill Clinton.  Maybe because people used her words to promote their political agenda.  I do this sometimes.  Sometimes I don't like someone just because I don't like people that like that person.  Does that make sense?  I'm not saying I think the sun rises and sets with anything Maya has said, but she HAS said some pretty wise things.  Maybe if you are prolific enough, something wise comes out.

Maya said, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

This is truth.  When someone tells you they are a liar, believe them.  When someone tells you they are not a good friend, believe them.  When someone says something hurtful to you, believe they will be a hurtful person.

Maya said, “If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning 'Good morning' at total strangers.”

I think the world would be a better place if more people did this.  We should be the MOST pleasant with our family.  Maybe marriages would last more often if we decided to be the MOST pleasant with our spouse.

Maya said, “I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”

The real you shows up in adversity.  She is absolutely correct about this.

Maya said, "If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change your attitude."

This is practically my credo.  I've always believed this is truth.  I don't expect the world to change for me.  I believe I either change the world, or I change me.

There are many website dedicated to Ms. Angelou.  She is a prolific writer.  I may not like her politics, but she has said some pretty wise things and they are written down.