Confessions of a hater

I think it's time I started working on a problem I have.  I have a tendency to exhibit some self-loathing.  I sometime have hateful thoughts about myself.  Sometimes I actually say these thoughts out loud.  I am not proud of this.  I really want to stop it.  I know annoys my husband.  These thoughts come to me as soon as the alarm sounds on work days.  I'm able to push them out of my head while I'm at work, most of the time.  Maybe this is a form of compartmentalization on my part.  However, if I make an error, the negative thoughts come rushing back to my mind.  On the weekends I struggle with negative thoughts if I am not completing all the tasks I have set for myself.  The thoughts that swim around my head are always the same ones.  The list is short, but brutal. 

• I hate myself
• I am a failure
• I'm no good
• I don't deserve...(this one can be very difficult)
• Everybody hates me
• I'm ugly 

When I started this blog I was hoping it would help me combat some of this self-loathing.  I even started a Happy Thoughts page to turn the negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  So far, not so good.  I'm going to do a re-start on this project of treating myself better. 

I've always wondered how those people with such incredibly high self esteem, yet are average or even marginal at whatever they do,  manage it.  Do they feel great about themselves all the time?  Do they have moments when they question their sense of self worth?  Do they have moments when they say to themselves, "I'm a failure."  I know I don't always feel these feelings of self-hatred.  Sometimes I feel just fine.  Sometimes I'm proud of myself.  It's those moments of self-loathing I want to eliminate.   

I found a list of things to do to work on this problem.  (dontcha just love the internet?)

• I'm going to start treating myself the way I treat my friends.  I forgive their shortcomings.  I need to forgive my own shortcomings.
• I need to interrupt the negative self-talk.  I need to stop.  Breath.  Maybe turn myself around.  Anything to break the pattern.
• I'm going to talk back to myself.  Especially if I say something negative about myself out loud.  If I say, "I'm a failure" I'll reply to myself, "I'm pretty darn good."
• I need to exaggerate my worthiness.  Maybe I need to take 5 minutes out of my day to praise myself.
• I'm debating whether or not I need to search for the reason I have this self-loathing.  I don't know if it is worth the effort.  The list says to write down reasons, but I think I know.  I'm in the business of being forgiving, not looking to blame.
• Remind myself why this negative self-talk is bad for me.

I saw a cartoon in the New Yorker.  A woman was holding a lamp.  She says to her friend, "It's so me, but I hate myself."  It's good to know I'm not alone.