Retirement and me

It's been a little more than a month of retirement for my husband.  The first three weeks of his retirement I was sick.  Really sicky sick with quite a few days home from work.  I don't think I was able to get a very good view of what living with a retired guy was going to be like.  I was too focused on myself and my breathing.  I really didn't even notice he was home.  Then we had a week of me going to work every day, although I was still pretty weak and had no voice or energy when I returned home in the evening.  Sadly, I was still quite focused on myself, but I did notice my husband was home.  Further, I noticed my husband was home when I got home from work.  Since he usually returned home about two hours after me, this was a significant difference.  I noticed.  Last week my husband went on vacation without me.  I absolutely noticed this.  I was completely recovered and no one was home when I got home from work.  It was a little lonely, but I was so busy at my job I really enjoyed the down time when I got home in the evening.

This week my husband is home from vacation, I am healthy and he is still retired.  I'm getting a good look at what this retirement thing looks like.  So far, I can tell you, it seems very good.  In the morning I make juice for all of us for breakfast and I leave the dirty juicer on the counter.  When I get home in the evening the juicer is completely clean and ready for me to use again for dinner.  This is a wonderful thing.  I love being cleaned up after.  This has not happened for me since I was nine.  I discovered my husband knows how to use a washing machine.  He told me he used it twice while he was on vacation.  He told me he came home from vacation with all clean clothes.  I am so tempted to test him with this new knowledge at our house.  I'd love it if he did the towels and the sheets.  This would be a big help.  I'm tempted, but I haven't asked, yet.  (I am aware he often reads my blog, so he may see this)  People have asked me about the cooking.  I'm not thinking about this.  Sure, it would be nice to come home to a cooked dinner, but I don't think cooking is something my husband wants to do.  I don't think he should have to do too many things he doesn't want to do.  After all, he's retired.

I do have a few hopes and dreams for his time while he's retired and I'm working.  I'd love to get our bathroom tub area re-tiled and get the faucet and stuff updated.  I'd like to paint the front hall and the living room.  I LOVE to have the garage emptied out and the basement emptied out.  I know I have to do a lot of work around the house, myself.  I want to get rid of all the lladros and baskets and books and crap scattered all around my house.  My dream is to move out of our house with nothing but suitcases in our hands.  I know it's a dream, but a girl's gotta dream, doesn't she.

All this dreaming aside, we have to keep the priorities straight and do first things.  My husband has to finish his dissertation.  This is the priority.  (btw, if you would like to add anything to your prayer list, this would be a great one)  I know he wants to complete his PhD.  This is very important to him.  Secondly, I know he wants to fix up our rental property.  This will be a big job, as well.  Maybe I'll have to keep working to pay some of these bills?  We will see.

I have a coworker in the same situation I as mine.  Her husband retired and she is still working.  They've already bought their retirement home in another state.  He's already moved down there.  She's got their house in this state for sale.  I think the moment it sells, we will see her last day of work.  Wouldn't it be funny if we both quit on the same day?  Yeah, I think it would be hilarious.  :)

103.  My son is getting an A in his college class, so far
104.  Finishing a big work project
105.  Time to relax when I get home from work
106.  The anticipation of a weekend getaway
107.  Lots of great advice from readers for my dry skin
108.  Sacrifices we made when we were young to provide for opportunities now
109.  Coffee (have I said this before?)
110.  Smart phones (iPhone)

Sexy  ;)

Tamoxifen is taking its toll on my skin

I've been on Tamoxifen for 15 months.  I only have 45 months to go.  Oh my goodness that looks daunting.  How am I going to survive 45 more months?  I know I have to take Tamoxifen and I know I will survive it, but it's tough.

Today I'm complaining about my skin.  Tamoxifen is changing my skin into "old lady" skin.  My skin is becoming so dry.  It's becoming like tissue paper.  My skin is becoming thin and crinkly on my arms and legs.  It's horrible.  I never used to have to put lotion on my skin.  I've always had the loveliest, most supple skin.  It's always been soft and smooth.  It's been taut and youthful.  Now it is just the opposite of all this.

The skin on my arms is becoming so thin and dry that it can be scratched open with a very minor bump or scratch.  I need to take better care of my skin.  Skin is the largest organ of the body.  It's job is to protect the body, regulate the temperature of the body, store lipids and water, allow the body to feel sensations, and act as a water resistant barrier.  My skin is beginning to fail at many of these functions.

I'm guessing my skin is no longer great at storing the lipids and the water.  I'm guessing lipids and water make skin plump and smooth.  My skin has become crepe-like and, well, not as smooth as it used to be.  I don't have alligator scales yet, but I may be on my way.  My skin has become quite thin.  I remember being a little girl and sitting next to my grandma and holding her hand.  I was fascinated by them.  I could see the veins right through her skin.  And the coolest thing yet, I could move them around under her skin.  I thought this was WONDERFUL.  My hands are turning into my grandma's hands.  Hell, they are turning into my mother's hands.  The view of my veins through the skin on the back of my hands it getting clearer and clearer every day.  AWESOME, not.

My skin is still doing a wonderful job of keeping water out of my body.  I'm pretty sure I'm not absorbing water like a sponge.  After all, as I mentioned before, I'm dry.  Sometimes I wish I could soak some of the wet stuff into my skin.  I'm trying to find the bright side.  So on the plus side, my skin is still acting as a water barrier.  :)

On the subject of regulating my body temp.  Let's just say this, this is probably the reason my skin has become so thin and warn out.  I have so many temperature fluctuations during the day my skin is most likely exhausted.  Hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cold... it's never ending.  I wake up soaked in sweat.  (on the positive side, sweat glands are working GREAT) Then I immediately begin to freeze as the sweat starts to evaporate from my body.  (another positive, goosebumps still work)  Get in the car and drive to work, hot flash.  (begin sweating)  Turn on AC to ice cold.  (commence shivering)  Repeat throughout the day, as needed.  Fun.

I can still feel sensations with my skin.  Let's put this in the positive column, as well.  (seriously, this is the beauty of blogging.  if you would have asked me if there was anything positive to say about my skin, the answer would have been, NO!) 

I'm guessing the answer to my dry skin problem is lotion, lotion, lotion.  I'm not used to using a lot of body lotion, but I think this is going to change.  Another thing that's going to change is the love of the hot shower.  I believe I'm going to be leaving this behind, as well.  I've heard of people who quit showering and do a thing called "dry brushing."  I don't know if I can give up showering, altogether, but this may be a solution.  The one thing I know is certain is that I need to stop taking my skin for granted and start taking better care of it.  I'm not sure, but I think drinking more water may help with dry skin.  I'm open to any and all suggestions.  What's blogging for if not free advice.  Thanks guys.  :)

96.  Peppermint scented body lotion
97.  Surprise lunch outing with my husband and son
98.  Trader Joe's portabello stuffed ravioli
99.  A chilled drinking fountain just outside my office door
100.  Being reminded of a weekend getaway I forgot all about
101.  The opportunity to vote for the candidate of my choice
102.  Tamoxifen

I can't be the only one who burps when they drink beer

Friday, after work, I had to have a drink with my boss and two other co-workers to "celebrate" the completion of three days of intensive meetings about master planning at the college I work at.  Why do I call it "celebrating" and not celebrating?  I'll tell you.  Nothing says, "I appreciate all your hard work these past two weeks" like staying an hour after quitting time on a Friday and drinking beer with your boss and two co-workers.  I'll tell you, I would have rather been allowed to leave an hour early.  Oh, did I tell you, I had to go out and buy the beer and snacks on my lunch hour.  Yippee!  I was tempted to use my boss's credit card to buy my lottery tickets, but I can't do something like that.  (but I thought about it and I did buy 10 tickets and I didn't win anything)

So, we are sitting outside on a Friday afternoon (evening, it's after 5 pm.) drinking Heineken and munching on Chex Mix.  (I'm fancy)  We chat about how great everything went this week.  We are super awesome hard workers.  (wow, this is SO much better than getting a raise)  We are a great TEAM!  And then the chat turns to personal stuff.  I hate talking to my work people about my personal stuff.  I just don't want them to know too much about me.  I don't like feeling judged if what I'm doing sounds stupid to them and I don't like being snubbed if what I'm doing sounds like I'm "showing off" or living beyond my means.  Seriously, you cannot win in these conversations.  Anyway, my boss said he was going to a club on Sunday to listen to a group called Asleep at the Wheel (free plug.  I was not paid for this link in any way) and suddenly I had to burp, but I didn't want to burp so I tried to hold it in, but it came out of my nose in a *snort*.

Now, as background info for all of you that have never met my boss, I'll give a quick description.  My boss:  stick in the mud, super up-tight, absolutely unaware of any popular culture, VERY east coast pseudo-intellectual, outdoorsy in a bird-hunting and fishing kind of way, and he sails.  Do you get the picture?

We're drinking Heineys, for pete's sake.  Anyway, my boss says to me, "so Happygirl, do you have something you want to say about this?"  I don't, so I look down at my feet.  He doesn't let this go.  "Come on, Happygirl, if you've got something to say, say it.  What, don't you think I go out once in a while?  Do you think I don't like to have fun on the weekends?"  Brother, I think, I don't care what you do on the weekends.  In fact, I don't even think about you on the weekends.  I don't say any of this.  Instead, I keep looking down.  Then I say, "I burped and it went up my nose."  Really?  You've never heard a lady try not to burp before?  I can't wait to get out of there.  Embarrassing.  This is why I don't like hanging with my boss and co-workers.  Nothing good can come from this.

Has this ever happened to any of you?

I'm driving home from work after this and I'm thinking to myself, "Crap, I'm an idiot."  I should have told him to give me a minute to say "excuse me" or something.  After all, I wasn't raised in a barn.  I do have manners.  He just jumped all over me and then I felt stupid.  Yep, this is what I do to myself on the drive home.  I rehash and rehash and wish I would have thought of something clever to day and, generally, feel bad about myself.

Does anyone else do this?

And then I start thinking that none of this would have happened (and we are talking about a burp going up my nose) if I hadn't had two beers.  If I'd only had one beer, everything would have been perfect.  It's all my fault.  I'm a burping fool because I had two Heinekens.  So now I'm blowing this whole thing up in my mind and thinking I drink too much.

I know this sounds super nutty and you don't have to admit it, but if you've ever blown a little burp incident all the way up into a full-blown, I need to get into recovery because I cannot control my bodily functions when I drink two beers scenario, please let me know.

My husband came home Saturday night.  I told him about this on Sunday.  He said, "What a jerk."  The end.  After considering this evaluation of the event I decided to agree with my husband.  My boss said a jerky thing instead of just ignoring the burp.  Seriously, has he never had a beer before?  Drinking beer = burping.  Natural function.  Get over it, already.

90.  Husband home again
91.  Chatting with my mom on the phone on the way to work
92.  Relaxing weekend and getting nothing of substance accomplished
93.  The return of Mad Men (I had to wait until my husband got home to watch the season premier)
94.  Roasted turnips
95.  Sleeping with the windows open at night

The right way to love

It's been a jam-packed past two weeks for me.  Crazy busy.  Work has been busy.  Home has been busy.  I was on 40 mg of prednisone every day for five days, so I wasn't able to sleep for ten days, craziness.  Today I feel like there has been a break in the urgency of the past two weeks.  I thought, great, I'll write my blog.  I sit down to write and nothing comes to mind.  Nothing.  I feel like laying down and taking a nap, but I'm having a tough time with a subject for this day.

Le sigh...

My husband is still in Tahoe, skiing.  Lucky guy.  I miss him.  I'm doing just fine at home with the dog and the kid, but I miss him.  This is a good thing, right?  It must mean that I love him if I miss him.  Right?  Yeah, I love him.  I used to wonder if I ever truly loved anyone when I was younger.  I used to think about my parents and wondered if the feelings I had toward them was love.  I wondered the same thing about my feelings toward my brothers.  My feelings never felt like I thought the "loving feelings" on tv shows or movies looked.  I never once felt the pang of homesickness when I went away to camp or sleepovers.  I remember looking at the kids that were crying and wondering what was going on with them.  Did they love their parents so much more than I loved mine that they couldn't bear to leave them?  And if this was so, why were they going to camp if they all loved each other so much?  Wouldn't it be better to stay together, at home?  I wondered about my ability to love with boyfriends in high school.  I dated a fair amount, but I wouldn't say I was "in love" with any of these boys.  In fact, the boy I was dating just before senior prom broke up with me and I didn't get to go to prom.  The reason he broke up with me was because he discovered the only reason I was dating him was to go to prom.  This was not very nice of me, so I deserved the break up.  I still wonder how he found this out.  Hmm?  Then I met my husband and we fell in love.  I still can't say what it was about my feelings for him that made it clear I was "in love" with him.  I liked him.  We had a long distance relationship.  He was in Jacksonville, FL and I was in Chicago, IL.  We laughingly say we had five dates and were married.  He went out to sea for nine months immediately after our honeymoon.  I missed him, but I was fine.  I certainly didn't cry every day and, sadly, I hardly wrote him any letters.  He, on the other hand, wrote to me almost every day.  There were more separations in our marriage because of his job with the navy, and I tolerated them quite well.  I guess the way I love doesn't depend on being next to the person I love at all times.  I never wished we could be together ALL the time.  I didn't need to talk to him on the phone while he was at work.  I handled time apart very well.  Yet, I wondered if this meant there was something "wrong" about the way I love people.  Did this ability to give my parents, my brothers, my boyfriends, my husband, my son and other people I love, their space and be completely ok with time apart and enjoy my independence, as well, mean I didn't love people well?  In fact, now that I think about it, any time I was in a relationship with someone a bit too clingy or if I have a friend that needs a little too much of my time I tend to distance myself from them.

I'm beginning to think I attract people who don't need to have me cling to them to feel loved.  My parents are not the most touchy-feely people.  In fact, when I tell my mother "I love you" on the phone, before I hang up, she often stumbles over the words, "I love you, too."  They just don't come naturally to her.  My brothers and me are close, but we don't talk to each other often.  I think we like each other, well enough, but we aren't the kind of siblings that will go on vacation together.  I think we could, but we just don't think of it.  In the case of my husband, it's funny, I think I like being with him more now than I did when we were younger.  I guess we've gotten used to each other.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sleeping just fine with him away.

If they made movies about the way I show love and need to be loved, the movie would be pretty boring.  Maybe that's why they use the crying, clinging, "I can't live without you" kind of love for the silver screen.  There's a chance I could be wrong about all this and I'm just a cold fish when it comes to love, but I don't think so.

One of my readers, Brandee, told me about love languages.  Evidently everyone feels loved by one or more of the five love languages.  Somehow, I had never heard of this.  The five languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.  I'm fairly certain I'm not into the touch or the gifts.  There is a test one can take to determine your love language.  I think I'm going to take the test and discover which is my mother tongue.  I'm going to guess it is acts of service because I'm really missing the fact that my husband takes care of the dog and takes out the garbage.  I'll let you know how this turns out.

84.  Quieter day at work
85.  Readers with good information
86.  Hot coffee in the afternoon, sometimes
87.  This blog.  It explains why I am the way I am
88.  A great conversation with my son
89.  Another sunny spring day

Updates and other stuff

I finished the piece I'm entering into the Humorous Writing contest at my school.  The more I rewrote and rewrote, the less funny it became, I think.  I'm still going to enter it.  I had a few friends read it.  A couple said it was hilarious, a couple said it was funny, one said it was witty, and another said it read like a news item.  Oh well.  It's my first attempt at writing for a contest.  I don't expect to win, but wouldn't it be great if I did?

I've been juicing.  I watched a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  It was streaming on Netflix.  This guy, Joe Cross, lost a bunch of weight by going on a juice fast of only fresh fruit and vegetable juices.  I don't think I can handle JUST juice, but I'm substituting the juice for two meals each day.  The juice is really good.  I usually make it with a big handful of kale, a cucumber, a stalk of celery, an orange and two apples.  It makes about two cups of juice and it tastes really good.  I have to admit, I get pretty hungry by lunchtime.  I haven't started bringing the juice to work.  My boss and co-workers give me an incredibly hard time about the "green stuff."  I hate when they do this.

I finally recovered from a very bad bout of bronchitis.  Last week was my first full week back to work and my husband's first full week of retirement without having me at home with him while I was sick.  He likes retirement much more when I'm at work.  I don't know what I think about this.  On the other side of this retirement deal.  I got rid of all my husband's dress shirts and ties.  There will be no more tie wearing in his future.  I think he loves this.

I've got a funny work story for you.  Last week I was working on a photoshop project for my office.  I'm not a graphic designer and I'm self-taught on photoshop, so it isn't the easiest thing in the world for me to do well.  I was having a difficult time with the project and I seemed to be making the same mistake over and over again.  Added to this frustrating process were the conditions I was having to work in.  The temperature outside was in the 70's and the building had the boiler cranking the heat up into the mid-80's inside.  I had to open the window to try to catch a bit of a breeze and, unfortunately someone was smoking outside my office window.  In fact, they were chain smoking.  Then, if this wasn't bad enough, the groundskeepers decided to have a conversation.  They were yelling at each other to be heard over the lawn mowers.  ARRRRRRGGGGG.  I couldn't take it.  I couldn't concentrate.  I finally said, "This is too much.  I'm out of here."  I shut down my computer, grabbed my purse and went to lunch.  It was great to get away.  When I got back to the office I was able to focus and finish the project.  My boss returned from lunch and asked me if things were going better.  I told him that they were.  Then he told me he had heard me say, "I'm outta here."  I laughed and continued to work.  After a couple minutes I thought to myself, I'll bet he thought I wasn't coming back to work.  So I asked him if he thought I wasn't coming back and he said the thought crossed his mind.  Hahahaha.  Yeah, I've got this job just the way I like it.  :)

Lastly, my husband is on vacation in South Lake Tahoe.  He's skiing.  I'm home, working, and he's in Nevada skiing.  I chose not to go on this vacation because it was to be a "guys" trip and I did not want to end up being the maid to three guys.  Unfortunately, the two other guys dropped out and my husband went on his own.  No worries, though, he's a friendly guy and makes friends wherever he goes.  He's having a blast.  In fact, just this morning he called to tell me it was a bit windy and overcast today.  He thought he would hang out in the hot tub and then get a massage, later.  Thanks dear.  I really needed to hear this.  You have a wonderful vacation.  :)

78.  My husband is wearing a helmet while skiing
79.  People praying for my husband's safety
80.  My son is really stepping up and helping out while husband is away
81.  Friend offering to take me out to dinner
82.  Learning that my son doesn't like the taste of celery (I had always assumed he didn't like my cooking)
83.  Crisp spring days

Husband having fun in Tahoe