2011, you flew by so fast

January
I quit the church.  I quit the church lady bible study.  I wanted to quit my job.  Tried to get back into an exercise routine.  Started taking Tamoxifen and started blogging with the purpose of seeing my thoughts in black and white and seeing what I could do to become a happier girl.

February
I became introspective about my responsibility for my own happiness.  I decided to change negative thoughts into positive thoughts.  I had a confrontation with my boss about his responsibility to back me up in some of the decision making I needed to do to do my job, properly.  I struggled to adjust to the lousy side-effects of Tamoxifen.

March
I began a 40-day yoga exercise.  I discovered I'm not a huge fan of yoga at this point in my life.  I decided to forgive the church ladies.  I forgave them for me, not for them.  I later discovered, they weren't quite done with me.  Maybe I'll tell you about it some time.  My mother-in-law passed away.  I think this is when the year started getting super tough for our little family.

April
Silver prices soared to a long-time high price and I started selling silver.  I sold silver for my husband and for my father.  I made a few shekels and maxed myself out of my favorite hobby, eBay.  I got a handle on my job and became much more content at work, even though there were no raises for us again this year.  (5 years without a raise.  yuk)

May
Osama Bin Laden was eliminated.  I continued my struggle with the side-effects of Tamoxifen.  I struggled with the testing for possible uterine cancer.  I went on vacation to Daytona Beach.  I learned a lot about myself this month.  The biggest thing I learned was that I treat myself cheaply.  I decided to make a change in this regard.  I am important and deserve to be considered in all decisions I make.

June
I continued selling silver on eBay.  I became more accepting of myself and my body.  I accepted the hot flashes and night sweats.  This is my new normal.

July
I went to San Diego, CA for the 4th of July.  It was a great vacation.  I decided I want to move to San Diego when we retire.  It was HOT in the mid-Atlantic.  REALLY HOT.  I continued on my self-acceptance journey.  I, kinda, love this.

August
I froze peaches and made pickles.  Our family traveled to Indiana to lay my mother-in-law to rest.  Things didn't go smoothly with the siblings, but in the end, we came together and did the thing just right.  I finished the long ordeal of testing for uterine cancer and learned I was cancer-free.  :)  We suffered a tree through our roof and my son's car was crushed by a tree as a result of Hurricane Irene.  :(

September
I went to Reno, NV for the Tailhook convention.  We struggled with the insurance company and contractors to get our home and car repaired.  This took up most of the month.  Sorry.

October
We continued the house repair.  My job became extra challenging.  Mold caused two residence halls to be shut down and the college hired a cruise ship to house the students.  I learned more about maritime law and mold than I ever wanted to know.  My son totaled his car by hitting a telephone pole a mere two weeks after getting it back from being repaired from having a tree land on it.  But, grandma had left him a green mustang convertible and he wasn't injured too bad.  Lucky.

November
I started going to church again.  I got involved in a small group bible study.  I reconnected to my faith and I'm starting to trust church people again.  I've always trusted God, but his people make me nervous.  Most of the house repairs are complete.  Just one window replacement to go.   We went to Williamsburg, VA for Thanksgiving.  All three of us.   

December
I prepared for and celebrated CHRISTMAS.  I mean, if you are the mom of the house, what else do you have time to do?

It's good to see the highlights of the year on one page.  I see it's been almost a year since I've been with my parents, so I better schedule a trip to Illinois.  Yes, 2011, you were a challenging year.  I learned a lot about myself and my family.  I learned when the going gets tough, our family can handle it.  I'm very proud of us.  I think 2012 is going to be great.

Initiative

I know I've written about "eating the frog" and getting the tough stuff done first, but developing initiative is something I struggle to have as a quality in myself and to teach to my son.

I'm currently on my winter break from work.  I work at a state college.  The state gives the staff the week between Christmas and New Year off work.  I often use this time as an opportunity to get away and visit my parents.  This year, however, I decided to stay home and reclaim my guest room and get a few more chores done around the house.

When I say I want to reclaim my guest room, I mean, I want to get all my son's stuff out of the guest room.  When a tree fell on our house during Hurricane Irene, it fell on the part of the roof over my son's room.  At that moment I told my son to hurry and get all his stuff out of his room and put it in the guest room.  I told him the ceiling could collapse at any time and if he wanted to save his stuff he had to get it out of his room as quick as possible.  After shouting in his face to snap him out of the shock he seemed to be in, he did just as I asked.

In the meantime, the drywall on the ceiling has been repaired, and painted, and the carpet has been cleaned.  Now I have two rooms in utter chaos. 

I am trying to motivate my son to get his room back in order.  In the process, I'm encouraging him to cull his possessions.  He has a serious amount of stuff.  Most of his stuff involves electronics and games.  There are a lot of wires and controllers and STUFF.

My son does not have a lot of initiative.  It seems he is paralyzed by the job set before him.  I can understand this paralysis, to a certain extent.  I struggle with a lack of initiative when it comes to doing something new.  Something I have never done before.  I get scared.  Even though the project may not be difficult, I find myself struggling to take the first step.

Today I am encouraging (read, nagging) my son to clear my guest room of his STUFF.  I'm trying to help him by giving him one box of stuff at a time to sort through, and then decide whether to keep or toss or sell.  So far, today is going pretty well.  (and by well, I mean we are not screaming at each other and some progress is being made)

The new project I want to start is to begin selling stuff on facebook.  I've discovered an on-line yard sale group in my area.  There are over 4000 members in this group.  I joined the group.  Now I need to start taking pictures and start pricing.  If this goes well, I can be having a yard sale every day of the week.  I'll let you know how I do.

Ps.  Another project I want to accomplish today is to make pounds of meatballs.  I bought a BUNCH of loose sausage from a local pig farmer.  I love to make spaghetti and meatballs and Italian wedding soup.  I need to make a bunch of big and tiny meatballs.  It's a lot of fun.  :)

The best Christmas, EVER!

Another Christmas has come and gone.  There is so much hype and anticipation leading up to this holiday of Holidays... and then it is over.  Good.  Christmas is over.  I can breath a sigh of relief and say I've completed another Christmas.  I remember way back in November I thought about doing Christmas differently this year.  I think I was fairly successful at accomplishing this goal.  I remember I didn't even feel like putting up the tree.  There is something about the unattainable joy of the holiday surrounded by a seemingly effortless abundance of Christmas accoutrement that I always find myself falling short.  You know what I'm talking about.  Right?

You see the Christmas movies with the mom coming out and carrying the golden brown turkey to the beautifully set table.  You see the platters of assorted Christmas cookies and the wasp-waisted mom in an starched and lacy apron.  You see the fire blazing in the fireplace and hear the Christmas music wafting throughout the house.  You see children smiling and playing with their toys.  You see adults smiling and engaged in conversations about happy Christmas memories or hopes and dreams for the future.

If you were at my house, very little of this was evident.  (we did have a fire in the fireplace.) 

I did Christmas differently this year.  I am pleased I was able to make this Christmas a real season of giving.  I'm happy my time spent shopping and wrapping were mostly for children I would never meet and they would never know who I am.  This was a very happy part of my Christmas.  The only drawback, if you can call it a drawback, was the fact this charitable part of my Christmas had to be accomplished so early in the season.  By Christmas Day, these actions were distant memories.  I thought we might spend time thinking and talking about the children on the receiving end of our Christmas, but we didn't.  What we did was open one or two gifts given to each other with love.  (and the underwear and socks I gave to my son.  these are not necessarily a love gift, but a gift of practicality.)

However, this Christmas was one of the best, at the Happy Girl house, EVER!

This year we had unexpected guests join us for Christmas dinner.  We had agreed to care for our neighbor's dog while they traveled for the holiday.  They called on the Friday before Christmas and informed us they had made a U-turn on their way to Ohio and were returning home.  Their son had started feeling ill.  My husband and I decided to invite them to join us for Christmas dinner.  He had purchased a HUGE beef rib roast.  It was so big.  Our neighbors were happy to be invited to join us for dinner and last minute plans were hatched.  (this may have been a happy accident or maybe... it was, meant to be.)

All I had to do was clean the kitchen, cook the meal, put away all the ornament boxes I had stashed in the dining room, set the table, dress and do my hair and give the impression this was all, effortless.

I wrestled the 12 lb. rib roast into the oven, smeared with a mustard and herb crust.  Chopped dozens of turnips, sweet potatoes, onions, carrots and parsnips.  Braised piles of greens and make a peach pie.  I was sweating like a pig.

The special joy I received at this Christmas came in the form of my husband and my son.  I don't know if you remember my long ago post titled Procrastination.  In that post I had a list of "to do" items.  One item on the list, wash all the mildew off the front door of my house, had not been completed.  I asked my husband and son if this would be something they would do for me.  They would and they did.  I think this was the best thing they could have done for me.  It made me so happy.  I love the way my front door looks now.  This was such an act of love.  I am so grateful.  It made cooking the dinner and cleaning the house a joy.

So, even though no Christmas music was playing in my house.  Even though no children were smiling and playing with toys.  Even though there was no wasp-waisted mom bearing platters of assorted Christmas cookies.  No golden brown turkey on a grape garnished platter.  No family members dressed in Sunday best.

My Christmas found a table full of lively conversation with good neighbors, plates full of good food and glasses full of cheer.

It was, maybe, the best Christmas, EVER. 

What I've learned from blogging

As I wrap up this first year of "blogging with a purpose" I'm taking a moment to reflect on this process.  What have I learned by blogging?

One thing I learned about myself is I can be disciplined.  I looked back at this year and I see I was pretty darn consistent.  My desire was to discipline myself to write a post four or five times each week.  I wanted to do it, and I did it.  This is very encouraging to me.  It shows me when I put my mind to do something, I can do it.

Another thing I learned about myself was my journey on Tamoxifen went better than I thought it would.  It was good to have a place to write down my feelings about how my body and my thought process was being effected by the drug.  I was told Tamoxifen can cause depression in some people.  I think seeing my feelings and complaints written down in black and white kept me from letting thoughts BLOW UP in my mind to a degree much greater than they actually are in reality.  I think the writing process allowed me to vent some feelings into the void and not sit and stew in them.  It also gave me a time-line to follow my progress on the drug.  I think this not only helped me, but it helped me relay my side effects to my doctor and, I feel, blogging improved the level of health care I received.

I discovered some very kind people out there in the blogosphere.  I have some very faithful readers and I've received much encouragement through their comments.  I've had family reading my blog and received a couple compliments.  (this is a bigger deal than you may think.  my family is not known for complimenting each other.  not the greatest way to interact, but this is the way we are.  I'm making efforts to change this in myself.)  I've met a couple bloggers in person through this process and my life is richer for it.  I've found blogs and bloggers through this experience that have taught me much.  I don't think I would have found their blogs had I not become a blogger myself.

I grew in my faith through bloggers I discovered through blogging.  It was good to find other bloggers with a strong faith.  Bloggers working through tough things that can happen any one of us as we walk this earth and reading about them leaning so hard on Jesus through it all.  They inspire me.  It was so good to find believers not looking for what they could "get" from a church (read; beg for money) and looking to "give" through church.  These bloggers gave me a sliver of hope for the church in the world today.

I've become a better writer through blogging.  The discipline of nearly daily writing changed the way I think about my writing.  I added more detail.  It forced me to look at the situations I was writing about from, not only my point of view, but the point of view of my reader and whether or not I was making myself clear in my writing.  Since I don't have images on my blog, I need to make my words tell the story.  I need to be descriptive.  I think it helped my proofreading, too.  If need be, I'm going to use this as a training exercise for my job.  :)

Writing this blog has been a very positive experience for me.  It's been wonderful to be open and "out there" with my feelings, the good feelings and the bad feelings.  Nothing good can come from hiding in your house and only sharing with sycophants and children.  I took the risk and shared my thoughts with ANYONE who chose to read my words.  I learned from both the criticism and the compliments, alike.  I can't think of anything I would have done differently or wish I wouldn't have written.  My only desires would be to learn to take better pictures, get more tech savvy and keep improving my writing skills.  These are all doable.  I am so looking forward to 2012.

My break, from work, begins tomorrow.  I, most likely, will not be posting until after the new year.  Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Christmas tree haiku

Bare tree with baubles
Silver icicles drip down
Can you see the cross?