Spirited child

Remember that trophy you got for soccer, mommy?
You think you can get me to play, no way.
I won’t get in the car or even try.
I’ll cry.
You can’t make me go to bed or eat my dinner.
You want me to get my trophy?
Here’s what it’ll say.
The World’s Greatest Brat!


Had a convo with a grandma that told me she was babysitting her grandchildren and they told her to f**k off when she said it was bedtime.  They are 7 and 6.  Aren't they darling?
Linking with G-Man for a Friday Flash 55

601.  Today, I'm glad I'm not a grandma yet
602.  Only 39 days until the election
603.  Can I say Friday!  (I know I've said this before)
604.  A husband that just GETS me

It's always about my weight

I don't want to believe this, but I do.  No matter what success I find in my life.  No matter what accolade I receive in my job.  No matter if my witness of Jesus moves someone to accept the grace.  No matter what, it's all about my weight.  My size.  Always.

I have had an issue with my body ever since I can remember.  In fact, I'll tell you the first time I can remember just HATING my body.  I was eight years old.  I know!  How in the world can an eight year old hate her body?  I'll tell you.  I was at a rollerskating party for girl scouts.  I wasn't a great roller skater.  I wasn't great at any sports, but I really wasn't a good skater.  I was wearing a dress at this party.  I know!  But back in those days girls wore dresses to school and they wore dresses to parties.  I remember this dress very well.  This dress was a dress that buttoned up the front, from top to bottom.  It was horizontally striped with mostly red, but also gold, green and brown stripes.  The buttons were gold.  It was sleeveless, so I wore a white mock turtle neck underneath.  There was no definition of a waist in this dress.  It was straight up and down.  It matched my body.  No waist.  Just chubby, up and down.  I was skating with my friends and having a pretty good time.  Then, the worst thing happened.  I fell on the skating rink.  I fell and every button on this dress opened up and I was trying to get up and hold my dress shut, ON SKATES.  In my mind, EVERYBODY in the roller rink saw me standing there in my white mock turtle neck and underwear with my dress unbuttoned.  I wanted to die.

How is it that a 55 year old woman can remember an incident from when she was eight like it was yesterday?

When I was 14 years old I remember my mom making me stand on the scale and telling me I was fat.  I remember looking down on the numbers on the scale, 138.  I remember my mom telling me that I should have definition in my arms.  My arms were rounded and had no definition.  I had an hourglass figure.  I never had an athletic figure.  I could have dressed up as Marilyn Monroe every day, and pull it off.  I had boobs.  I had a butt.  Are you getting a picture?  I don't think my parents were happy with my shape.  I remember my dad encouraging me to run around the neighborhood and following me in his car to make sure I did it.  I know he wanted my chest and hips to shrink into a tomboyish 14 year old body.  It just wasn't going to happen. 

I was so confused about my body.  My best friend was tiny.  She was petite and thin and my parents told me I should look like her.  But they also told me I shouldn't be friends with her.  She was Catholic.  (my dad had some kind of issue with Catholics) 

My whole life has been one diet after another.  I lose the weight.  I gain the weight back.  It's been a constant struggle.  When I was 25 years old I weighed 150 lbs on my wedding day.  I wanted to weigh 130, but it didn't happen.  I think I look pretty in my wedding pictures.  But every time I look at one, I remember, I weighed 150 lbs.  Isn't this awful?  I wish I remembered how happy I was on that day.

The battle has continued every day since then.  The other day I was thinking to myself that it was a shame there aren't many pictures of me.  No one can avoid a camera the way I can avoid a camera.  I've been known to toss pictures of myself in the trash as soon as they come to the house.  Now, with digital photography, it's so much easier to delete.  And I delete A LOT.  I catch myself people watching sometimes.  While I watch them I try to compare my size to their size.  Are there more people out there larger than me or smaller than me?  The funny thing about this is that I can't really tell.  There must be something wrong with me or with my eyes.  It is difficult for me to see my actual size.  Sometimes I look at my reflection and think, "I'm huge!  I can't go outside and let anyone see me."  Other times I think I'm ok, but need to lose some weight.  If you lined up a group of women of different sizes in front of me, I'd be hard pressed to pick out the one closest to my size.  This must be some kind of mental disorder.

So, I'll try again to lose weight.

My blog-friend Emily has written a book that has just been released about her struggle with and success at conquering anorexia.  It is called Chasing Silhouettes.  I've got it on my kindle.

I know this is the opposite of my story, but I think all eating disorders, whether anorexia or overeating, have a similar root.  I don't want to define myself by a number on a scale.  I don't want any woman or girl to define herself by a number on a scale.  We women are much more than a number on a scale or a dress size.  We are fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator of the universe.  He knew everything about us before we were even born and LOVED us.  We need to love ourselves back.

596.  Choosing to focus on the positive today
597.  Being happy my husband is going out without me tonight instead of resenting it
598.  Sunshine streaming in my window
599.  Going to bed earlier and feeling better rested
600.  Enjoying the success of others

How I deal with my Islamophobia

Yep, I have Islamophobia.  I admit it.  I'm not even ashamed of it, for that matter.  But, I know, I cannot and will not be controlled by it.

The biggest symptom of this, for me, flares up when I fly.  There is a tiny part in the pit of my stomach that tenses up when I see a person I perceive to be a Muslim on the plane with me.  I don't get off the plane.  I don't alert everyone that I think there will be a problem on the plane.  In fact, after the plane takes off and I get involved in my book, I don't even think about it again.  But I remember what happened on September 11, 2001.  I remember the faces of the terrorists that attacked our nation.  I remember.

And then I remember what Paul says in Romans 12:18-21.  He says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

The image of heaping burning coals on a person's head sounds like it means to cause a person pain, but it really is not. It is meant to give the image of stirring up the coals of a fire to bring it back to life after the fire begins to die down. This is to be an image to cause a person a response of remorse, when they see your kindness in the face of their meanness. Paul is saying, in this passage, we cause our enemies to be remorseful for their actions toward us, or as we say these days, "kill them with kindness."

This is the rub.  "... but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."  Waiting.  Leaving vengeance to God.  Trusting God will do what he says he is going to do.  Trusting God will do what he says he is going to do without being around to see it.  Waiting...  Trusting...  Believing...

Then letting it go and overcoming evil with good.

On a person to person level I can absolutely do this.  I can be helpful to a Muslim mother struggling with groceries and children.  I can hold a door open or do whatever kindnesses would be needed on a person to person basis.

As a group, I'm frightened of Muslims.  I know there is a faction that hates me just because I'm an American.  I know this faction preys upon the poor and uneducated in their nations and trains them in hate from early childhood.  I know that this type of hate is not born into them, but fed and nurtured and brought to full hate-filled bloom.

As certain as I am of the hate there is for me, because I'm an American, I am equally certain the images in the Atlantic Wire are true.  As certain as I am that there are Muslims doing nothing more each day than plotting and planning to harm and kill me, because I'm an American, I'm equally certain the images of the Muslims portrayed in Gawker about #Muslim Rage are true.

I can only begin to wait and trust and believe from where I am right now.  I struggled with the verses the study had us use to go through this lesson on Islamophobia.  (You can check out these verses yourself, if you so desire:  Genesis 34:1-31, Leviticus 19:1-3, 9-18, 32-37, Jonah 1:1-17, John 10:11-16, IChorinthians 10:23-11:1, and ITimothy 6:1-5)

I chose to stick with a tried and true verse I know by heart, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."  (John 3:16)

I will continue in my struggle to love others as Jesus loved.  I will continue to pray for peace.  I'm left where I started.  As a Christian I need to love; forgive as I have been forgiven; and be a reflection of Christ.  As an American, I cannot tolerate an attack on my country without repercussion.  I cannot allow attacks on our allies and threats of attacks without defending them.  So what do I do?  How do I act?  What am I to feel?  It seems if I'm to be a "good" Christian I need to act passive.  To me, this seems weak.  I hate to appear weak.  But I remember the child's song that reminds me, "when I am weak, He is strong."  I'm not a child anymore, but maybe I need to be like one, in this case.

Again, I will trust that there is true evil in the world and trust what Paul says in IITimothy 3:1-9.  "But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men."

And I'll pray, Jesus, do not tarry.

Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday

589.  Allowing God to chip off my sharp edges
590.  Reading the bible with Christians much further along in their walk than I am
591.  Learning to wait, by reading about Noah
592.  Learning to trust, by reading about Joseph
593.  Learning to believe, by reading about Jonah
594.  Learning to pray, by reading about Jesus 
595.  Being able to let myself be weak and allow him to be strong  

I like lamb

This is the lamb I'm getting next week.

I think I'll name her, Delicious.  :)

582.  Good study last night.  I'm still processing.

583.  A healthy, pastured lamb and this recipe

584.  A view of the river from my office window

585.  Christian radio and the music they play

586.  A hot shower on a chilly morning

587.  Watching the leave just begin to change color

588.  Observing my son take an interest in his class

Christian or American

I think some day soon, I may have to decide.  I never before thought it would be difficult to be both.  I don't think I'll have to make this choice in my lifetime, but you never know.

Tonight my small group bible study starts up for the fall.  I'm excited and nervous.  I'm excited to meet with a group of people, I can say, I call friends.  I'm looking forward to diving into the bible and learning more about how I am to live in this world today.  I'm nervous because, this fall, we are using a new study and a very different format.

I've been in a BUNCH of bible studies in my life.  I know the drill.  I know a lot of the answers already.  I think this new study will be quite challenging.  This study is a life to bible study.  (as opposed to a bible to life study.  bible to life is reading and studying scripture and applying it to your life.  life to bible is taking current events from our life and discovering what the bible has to say about these things.)  The study is called The Wired Word.  It is non-denominational and looks to be thought provoking.

This is my first life to bible study.  Tonight we are delving into the anti-American protests that erupted in the last couple weeks in Cairo, Egypt and Benghazi, Libya in response to the YouTube video.  It will be interesting to look at these events through the bible and not through the media.  (here's an analogy for the bible from Phillips Brooks "The Bible is like a telescope. If a man looks through his telescope, then he sees the worlds beyond; but if he looks at his telescope, then he does not see anything but that. The Bible is a thing to be looked through, to see that which is beyond; but most people only look at it; and so they see only the dead letter.")  I believe this study is going to challenge me.  I've looked over the material for tonight's study.  This is the first set of questions we are going to tackle.

1. Are you aware of any personal attitudes or concerns that might be rooted in Islamophobia? How do those stand up when compared to the reality of the Muslim world, as best as you can ascertain it? What concerns do you have about Muslims/Islam that seem rooted in reality? What appreciation do you have of Muslims/Islam that seems rooted in reality? What religious resources help you not to demonize all Muslims? 

I'm a little scared.  (I'll let you know how it goes.)

The idea of looking at current events through the bible peeked my interest.  My husband and I were watching a movie about a trio of Jewish Nazi hunters in Germany after WWII.  They were to hunt down and kidnap a Nazi surgeon.  Helen Mirren was in the movie.  This movie got me to thinking about my life.  What if my husband and I had been German citizens during WWII?  What if my husband had been a career navy man when the Nazis came to power?  Would we have been Nazis?  Could you be a Nazi and be a Christian?  If my husband had wanted to leave the navy he probably would have been killed or imprisoned.  How did German Christians behave during this time?  How did churches respond to the political climate?

I believe our nation is entering a new political climate.  We, as Christians, are going to have to decide what we will be the base for choices we make in our lives.  Will we act on the basis of our faith or will we act on the basis of nationalism? 

577.  Quiet day at the office
578.  Receiving an email from my son with part of a class paper and asking for my opinion
579.  Listening to acorns on the glass topped picnic table on my deck (BANG!)
580.  Getting back together with my small group bible study
581.  Reading encouraging blog comments