Week 4 of the 40 day yoga thing. What was I thinking?

I probably don't sound all that enthusiastic, do I?  This yoga thing is ridiculously difficult.  I had no idea what I was signing up to do.  Really.  No freaking idea.  Had I known what I know now, ...  I just can't say.  Let me start with this item of news.  I got sick this week.  I had a bad cold and a fever.  I felt terrible.  And I thank God I got sick.  Week 4 would have killed me otherwise.  Here's the thing.  In week 4 you do a three day fruit "feast."  FEAST?, umm, well, ok.  Well, you get to eat a lot of fruit.  I don't know about other people, but I do not find fruit a satisfying meal.  I like to have some fruit with my meal.  I like to have fruit and cheese as a desert or even a light lunch.  But, fruit with fruit and then a little more fruit is not my cup of tea.  Oh yeah, they don't want me to have my coffee, either.  So, all fruit, no coffee.  See why the bad cold is looking so good.  And, I'm at work.  Eating fruit makes you have to use the bathroom a lot.  Anyway, my co-workers think I've become a coke addict.  They have no idea why I won't eat food and I'm in the bathroom all the time.  Great, my reputation is smudged.  (Not really, but it's funny to blame stuff on yoga.  They're all spiritual and such.)  Ok, enough on the eating. 

The second leg to this project is the meditation.  I'm really better at this than I thought I'd be.  My problem is I forget to do it.  I can turn this sucker around on a dime.  I just put a reminder in my cool iPhone and it will remind me to do my meditation.  Which, I believe in week 4 is up to a half an hour in the morning and a half an hour in the afternoon.  Gee, I guess I might not be as good at this as I thought.

Thirdly, the yoga.  I suck.  That's it.  Period.  Thank goodness I was sick.  I don't think I would have the energy with the fruit thing and the yoga.  So, being sick is my excuse to not practice yoga.  And let's talk a little bit about what I call practicing yoga.  The people that are REALLY doing the 40 day thing are REALLY doing yoga.  They are doing the vinyasa flow yoga, not the "struggle to get into a pose" yoga I practice.  The yoga they are doing is SERIOUSLY cardio.  I know I've told you I sweat like crazy in my "practice."  So, you know there is NO WAY I can dream of keeping up with that program.  Thank goodness for cold and flu season. 

But, I'm not going to quit.  Even though EVERYTHING in my being tells me to eat a sandwich and I'm only on day two of the three day fruit fun.  But, I'm not going to do that.  I'm going to eat fruit.  Tonight I will meditate for longer than I do anything, even stuff I like doing.  And, tonight I will attend the class that usually includes exercises I find VERY DIFFICULT to participate in, but I WILL PARTICIPATE. 

I wonder if any of the others in the class are having a hard time with this class?  Everyone seems so enthusiastic on Wednesday evenings.  Maybe all the fruit will be the tipping point.  We will see.  Thanks for letting me share.  It helps.  I'm supposed to be journaling, but...  Oh well, I'm eating the fruit.

I am beautiful

I am beautiful
Words flow from fingers with more ease than from lips.
Reflection so harsh
Page so clean

I am beautiful
Isn't a crocus, a daffodil, a tulip beauty as well?
They just are
They don't try

I am beautiful
So is a rock, worn smooth by water.
It is timeless
Yet old as time

I am beautiful
Like a mountain, rugged or a lake, serene.
Both are different
Description the same

I am beautiful
Why doesn't this word feel like it fits?
Too much Mad ad
Less time with Thee

I am beautiful
Created on purpose with thought and care.
Stop critiquing
Accept and believe

I am beautiful
Say it out loud for the mirror to hear.
Every day
Until it is me

I got an award

OH MY GOODNESS, I AM BESIDE MYSELF.

Thank you Joybird.

I just cannot tell you how surprised and honored I was to have this honor bestowed upon my blog.  I haven't been at this for a very long time and I'm really still learning how to add pictures and video to my blog and yada yada yada.

The biggest reason I started this blog was to see my thoughts out there in black and white.  It's hard to pin point my thoughts while they are swirling inside my brain.  I thought I could put them out there, look at them and decide if they were reasonable or making a very sharp left turn.  Also, I could look back and see my growth from Christmas 2010 to wherever I end up.  And, I type better than I write.  You see, I'm a lefty.  All those cute journals and notebooks have always been made for you right's.  Anyway, what I NEVER thought would happen is that anyone would ever read what I wrote.  But, they did!!!  And some even commented on it.  Positively.  *Haha, gotta insert the positivity, since that  is my goal.*

So THANK YOU so much Joybird for sharing your award with me.  Joybird, at A Songbird In His Court, has a gorgeous blog about her her life in CA and being a daughter of the KING.  She takes the most beautiful pictures and goes on the most gorgeous hikes.  I love her confidence in her place in the world and the love she has for Jesus that spills out to those of us she meets here in this world.  I'm SO HAPPY to add her to my blogroll.  Please check her out.

Thank you again, Joybird, for sharing the joy.

Equanimity

I'm going deep here, so stay with me.  Equanimity is the focus for week 3.  Equanimity.  Webster defines it as "evenness of mind especially under stress."  I'm going to have to say this is not my strong suit.  I lose it under stress.  I hate pain and discomfort.  I don't like loud noises and am easily startled.  I don't like it hot and I don't like it cold.  I think week 3 is looking like a tough one.  Can't wait to dive into this one.  Here is the positive side to this coin.  I have the opportunity to learn A LOT.

The first exercise we had in the understanding of equanimity was to sit on our knees with our toes curled under for two minutes.  Awesome.  I think I made it for 10 seconds and my right big toe is still hurting.  What does this say about me?  The first answer coming to my mind for this is QUITTER.  Yep, that's what I think.  I know, intellectually, I'm not a complete quitter.  After all, I went to the class.  I participated in the exercise.  I just couldn't stay with it for two minutes.  I still feel like a quitter.  Now, I'm going to do what I always do.  I'm going to give you my excuses.  Here goes.  First, I was in an hour and a half yoga practice that KICKED MY BUTT just prior to this exercise.  The teacher did a hips, core and balance class and she was brutal.  No modification suggestions and every time I couldn't do the pose I could see her LOOKING at me.  I was so self conscious.  It was uncomfortable, both physically and mentally.  *Gee, I love yoga.*  But, I had decided to go into the class with a positive attitude.  This was my intention.  Btw, yoga is a lot about intention.  Intention for your yoga practice.  Intention for your breathing.  Intention for your meditation.  A lot of intention.  Excuse number two, I'm way heavier than most of the others in the class, but my toes are the same size as theirs.  The physics of this exercise GUARANTEE  my toes will hurt more.  I'm pretty sure I'm right about this.  Pressure per square inch would be greater on MY TOES.  Ok, those are the excuses.

Back to equanimity.  What does sitting on your toes for two minutes have to do with equanimity?  Let me tell you, because I think I get it.  STAY WITH THE PAIN.  Just wait.  Don't react to the pain.  Don't react to the situation.  Breathe.  Give the situation a bit of thought.  Don't look for the quick fix.  Think.  Let the answer come to you.  Don't struggle to find the solution.  Let it come to you. 

As I said, equanimity is not my strong suit.  This week 3 is going to take a lot of work.  I'm going to have to breathe through my cardio.  Breathe through the weight work.  Breathe through my yoga practice.  Breathe through my challenges at work.  Breathe through my food choices.  No grab and go.  Think.

Well, I think I used the word equanimity four or five or even six times in this post.  So, if nothing more, you learned a new word.  I think the Bible speaks on equanimity, as well.  We are to be slow to anger, slow to speak.  We are not to worry, but to give it to God.  We are promised trouble in the world, but told to "fear not" because the world has been overcome by our Lord.    I think I really need week 3.

photo credit

Oh, and I just have to share this because it is HILARIOUS.  They just don't make womens pants with pockets.

Weak 2 and a half (yes, I mean weak)

Ok, I didn't rock week 2 in my 40 days of yoga.   I think my FABULOUS weekend away didn't help me out.  I got out of the routine.  I gained back my two pounds. :(  Ok, whining over.

I learned a lot of "stuff" about myself during week 2.  It all started with the exercise we had to do at the last Wednesday meeting.  We were to get out of our comfort zone by singing and dancing in front of a small group of five people.  Now, mind you, there were six small groups of five people and we could all see each other, but ...excuses excuses.  Well, I was a sourpuss about it.  I didn't want to do this.  At all.  No way.  But I did it.  Grudgingly.  Nobody could have done it MORE grudgingly or with a bigger frown on their face.  I was the CHAMPION of the crabby look.  So childish.  I'm embarrassed.  I had a breakthrough.

This may have been the tipping point resulting in the forgiveness I was finally able to allow in my life.  All the other people in the class were jumping around and laughing and singing and enjoying themselves.  What the heck was my problem?  Why couldn't I do it?  Somewhere along the evening I had decided I didn't want to participate.  I can't say why.  I really don't know why.  I just made up my mind for no good reason.  I didn't need a reason.  I'm a grown-up and I put on my party pooper pants and acted just that way.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?  I'd signed up for this 40 days without a gun to my head.  This wasn't something I HAD to do, I WANTED to do it.  Granted, I didn't know what it was going to involve, but that's the way it goes.  You pays the money, you gets what you get.  Anyway, I thought long and hard about my attitude and why it was so poor.  What was going on in my life keeping me from fully participating in my life?  And, the issue of an unforgiving spirit surfaced.  And, I forgave.  And, it feels good.

Now, there were other particulars of week 2 I was more successful at doing.  One was using fresh foods in my diet instead of processed foods.  I did this fairly well.  I took the time to peel and chop and cook.  Maybe I'll share some of those things at a later date.  Meditation didn't go so well.  I really need to make this a priority.  Like I've said before, I believe this is a discipline of the mind and a discipline to be in control of one's own thoughts.  I don't know the Bible very well, but I believe it says something about sin beginning in the mind and something else about taking hold of one's thought life.  Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Tonight is the meeting for week 3.  I'm going in with an open mind and a desire to participate.  I'll do my first yoga practice in five days before the meeting.  I know it will be a physically difficult evening, but I'm excited.  I'm getting back with the program.  I'm not a quitter.  And, really, it's progress, not perfection.  Isn't it?