Sarcasm is my superpower

I wish my superpower was invisibility.  Then I wouldn't have to worry about my weight or my wrinkles or my roots growing out.  And people wouldn't ask me questions or bother me while I was working.  I could be home and no one would ask me to do anything for them, because they couldn't see me reading my book or playing on the computer or listening to music.  I think those things are "doing something" in contrast to the thoughts of my husband and son.

I wish my superpower was super-speed.  Then I could get all the chores done around the house super-fast.  I could get the laundry done, folded, ironed and put away.  I could get the grocery shopping done so fast.  I could cook, serve and clean-up all the meals at the speed of light.  I could vacuum and dust and mop the floor with lightning speed.  I would have time to read my book or blog or work on ebay stuff.

I wish my superpower was flying.  Then I could go to the mall or to the city.  I could leave my little stripmall suburb and go to an art gallery or a museum and not have to stay in a hotel.  I could go to another part of the country for vacation without having to go through the TSA security and take my shoes off and buy new shampoo and lotion when I get to my destination.  I would be able to take my eyebrow tweezers with me.  I could visit my mom and dad and not feel I had to make it a 4-day weekend.

I wish my superpower was a soundproof forcefield.  Then I could go to the grocery store or big box store or the library or a restaurant or ANYWHERE without having to hear everyone's phone conversations.  I could be alone with my thoughts while I was in the dentist office waiting for my appointment instead of listening to Loudmouth Suzie on the phone with her girlfriend or Businessman Joey closing the deal.

I wish my superpower was super-strength.  Then I would feel powerful.  I would know I was stronger than those perky size 6's at the gym.  I would feel invincible at the office.  I would be able to open the pickle jar without asking my husband.  I wouldn't have to wait for someone to help me move the couch or table to vacuum or mop up the messes.

I wish my superpower was mind reading.  Then I would be able to understand what in the world makes people do and say the things they do and say.  I would know what in the world my husband is talking about.  I would know what my boss wants me to do.  I would know why my "friend" has blocked me on facebook.  I would know WHAT THE HECK my son is THINKING.

Unfortunately, my superpower is sarcasm.  And sometimes people don't get it.  Sometimes they think I'm being mean.  Come on people, get a sense of humor, for pete's sake.  No really, sarcasm is a lousy superpower.  I'm ready to find my kryptonite and and lose this power.  I think I want the superpower that allows me to say something kind at an appropriate time.  Or, if I can't do that, say nothing at all and smile politely.

Image from snarkerati.com

Shoes

Streaming sunshine beams

Slushy splashes on black shoes

Where are my flip flops?

Tamoxifen

I've been taking the medication, tamoxifen, for a month now.  So far, all I can say is "yuk."  The simple understanding of how this medication works is that it blocks any and all estrogen receptors in my body.  By doing this it essentially rids my body of the effects of estrogen.  So, hot flashes, night sweats, super dry skin, crabbiness, dry eyes, and all the other fun things associated with the end of womanhood.  The reason I'm taking tamoxifen is because I score very high on the Gail model of risk and have a high risk for breast cancer.  Now, I don't have breast cancer.  I'm following doctors recommendations and trying this.

Some days I feel HORRIBLE.  It feels like my skin is too tight for my body and I don't want anything to touch my skin.  I don't want my clothes on and I don't want them off.  I don't have a better way to describe this feeling.  I feel itchy, but my skin is so sensitive I can't stand touching it.  Oh well, enough of that.  The other really crappy thing is the night sweats.  I'm TIRED!  This condition makes it very hard for me to sleep through the night.  And, after I wake up, I'm freezing because I'm sweaty and I can't fall back asleep because I'm SOOOO cold.  And, of course, the dreaded hot flashes.  We can call them all the cute names out there:  power surges, personal summers, heat waves.  These SUCK!!  There is nothing worse than being in a meeting with all your coworkers and find yourself drenched in sweat.  Lovely.

I've been thinking about my latest issues at the office.  I think some of it is related to this medication.  Really, my boss hasn't changed.  He's always been a non-confrontational, unsupportive, poor manager.  I, on the other hand, was a woman with estrogen in her body.  Now, we know, estrogen helps us as women to be the nurturers.  We need to be nurturers to be mothers.  I no longer have this nurturing hormone coursing through my body.  And, the fact that I'm an ISTJ doesn't make me the warm, caring person I used to be.  And, my office is in an old building has lousy heat and air conditioning.  My office sits directly over the main boiling water pipe that heats the building.  My office is almost as hot as the sun.  At the same time, I'm enjoying my own personal summer.  Booyah!!

I talked to my doctor and told her about the way this med is making me feel.  We've decided to stay on this medication another month, and to take half the dosage I was on last month.  We will see how it goes.

If anyone out there has any experience, hope or strength to share, it is welcome.

Spring Cleaning

There is nothing like a couple warm days to make me want to clean the entire house from top to bottom.  I want to get rid of EVERYTHING.  I want clear counter tops and dresser tops.  I want the floors to be clear of every last unneeded object.  I get this feeling, this NEED to clear out the junk, right in my bones.  Where does this feeling come from?  I asked my husband if he felt it too.  He said, "no I don't."  A couple days ago I had the carpets in my upstairs rooms cleaned.  I had to pick up everything from the floor.  Of course, I stashed it all.  In the bathroom.  In the closet.  On the bed.  Anywhere I could find.  Now I'm trying to get rid of all that STUFF.  I don't want to put it back in the piles previously scattered about the rooms.  I have a name for this.  I call it Pile-itis.  It is the disease of stacking stuff upon stuff.  I know I'm not the only sufferer of this dreaded disease.  I know, also, this disease is hereditary.  It is a dominant gene trait.  I know I inherited this disease from my father.  If there was a flat surface in the home of my childhood, my father piled stuff on it.  If there was a design on the floor of our basement, I couldn't tell you what it was.  My father had every square inch of that floorspace COVERED with piles of stuff.  And, don't you dare touch any of it, because he knew just what was in each pile and he needed that stuff.

Jeff Lewis kitchen

Now, as I write this, I am afraid you may think I'm talking about hoarding.  Like the show on A&E, Hoarders.  I'm not talking about ANYTHING on that level.  And, although my desire is to be free of "stuff" like the guy on the Bravo show, Flipping Out.  I don't think I'll ever reach that level either.  Although, I LOVE the look of the empty counters and tables.  So, neither my father, nor I have reached clinical levels of hoarding or compulsion.

Another thing about this condition (I don't think I should call it a disease anymore, because, I'm starting to worry myself and have second thoughts about the whole thing.  I don't have any pictures to prove this, but REALLY, I'm not a hoarder.  Really.) is that it is controllable.  I think the most important thing in controlling this condition is to NOT marry (or cohabit) with someone equally afflicted.  This can cause a problem that very well may involve having a television show come to your house.  Seriously.

I just have a BURNING desire to go home and clean up piles of stuff.  It doesn't happen often, but it does seem to happen at this time of the year.  I also have a BURNING desire to have my husband clean all the crap (See how my stuff is stuff and his stuff is crap.  How did that happen?) out of the garage.  I just hate seeing that stuff as I get in my car every morning.  I really don't like it.  Kind of hate it, but not enough to nag him about this.  Remember, I'm a dissertation widow.   He just writes and works and writes and works.

The one good thing about this urge to clean is that it doesn't seem to last too long.  It seems to last about a month.  And, if the weather turns cold, maybe not that long.  So, strike while the iron is hot.  Clean clean and clean.  This too shall pass.

Btw, in May I HAVE to wash all the windows.  Crazy, huh?

Be happy or stick gum in my hair?

I'm making up my mind to be happy.  This is harder than it sounds.  I was reading the blogs from some of the Positive People on the right side of my blog and I got a little perspective.  I don't want to be a debbie downer.  I want to be a positive person.  What would a positive person do?  For one thing, they wouldn't wallow in their anger.  There is a quote from the Vivi character in the movie Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.  She says, "...You know how I am, I take a problem and chew on it until all the flavor's gone, then I stick it in my hair..."  I don't want to do that.

I want to move in a positive direction.  And lo and behold, my work is offering two classes on communication.  I signed up for both of them.  And lo and behold again, my work is offering a class in communication for management and upper management (my boss) is REQUIRED to take it.  Fingers crossed, we will all learn something.

I'm still going to have the conversation.  I will be respectful.  I will be calm.  I will be forthcoming.  

And I decided to BREATHE today.  For 5 minutes I just breathed.  Quietly... deeply... yoga-like.  Ahhh...  I can't give myself away anymore.  Perspective...  boundaries...  peace...

No gum stuck in my hair.

Now I want to watch this movie.  I LOVE Ashley Judd and Sandra Bullock.  I really love this whole cast.