Jealous

I know it's been said before and again
these thoughts spin relentless, my wheels won't
catch purchase.  I'm stuck in rut, I'm
grinding it deeper.  These are my thoughts as
sleep avoids me.  Resisting the urge to run
screaming or drinking the last of the gin.

The mud globs I sling as I rev up my engine
in cycles as wheels spin in circles.  It sprays
everywhere, everyone in my pathway.
I'm sure they don't know I don't mean any
harm when I sting their ears and their
eyes with my barbs dipped in poison.

My pain and my fear of a life in the future
in darkness, unknown, outside of a plan. I
suffer inside force a smile to my face so
someone won't see all the junk inside me.
Your enviable life of perfection is galling.
Boys growing strong with no struggle at all.

Embarrassment floods my face with blood
leaving a stomach bloodless and sick with
lost hope of a friend in this struggle.  Life is
much harder when done with secrets, alone
and lying and hiding inside.  Open the sealed
door of my pride and spill fear to the outside.

Fear spoken aloud is a chance worth the
risking.  This cycle and circle of living, a
mystery shared by the forgivable.  We
all at incremental points on the journey.  I
trust compassion is out there for me.  Here
is my cheek, you can slap it as well.