It isn't ironic

I've learned some things about myself since I've begun blogging with a purpose.  I say "with a purpose" because, technically, I started this blog in February 2010.  But I was terrible at it.  I would write, then I wouldn't write, then I'd think about writing, but I wouldn't write.  Finally, I'm not sure exactly what the impetus was, I think it may have been Farmgirl Paints leaving a comment on my blog saying something like, "oh, you don't blog anymore.  too bad."  I think that may have been the spark to get me going.  The other spark was my new relationship with tamoxifen and how I was going to cope with the side effects.  I mean, if I was going to get a divorce or fatally wound my husband, I wanted to see the trail leading up to this action.  (btw, I don't think I would harm my sweetie, but tamoxifen can cause depression and you never know what can come of depression)  Anyway, these are the things that pushed me to write regularly, but what have I learned about myself?

I think the first thing I've learned is the more I exercise the easier it is for me to exercise.  If I skip a few days or a week, sheesh, it's like pulling teeth to get me back in the gym.  And, I think I feel better about myself when I exercise.  Maybe it's just that I feel a bit stronger and a little bit more capable.  It's a good feeling.  I should exercise more.  I not only strengthens my body, it promotes a sense of positivity.

I learned I don't really like yoga.  I'm not good at it and it often made me feel sick to my stomach.  I don't know why, but any time I mentioned this to the instructors, they told my this was normal.  I don't think doing something that makes you feel sick to your stomach and the fact that feeling sick to your stomach is normal is a good thing for me to do.  I'll be passing on yoga for a while.  At least I gave it a good try.

I like meditation more than I thought I would.  I'm not going to be a person meditating for hours on end, but I stop and take 15 minutes and meditate during the day.  I'm really surprised about this.  Meditation never appealed to me, but, there you go.  Sometimes you can surprise yourself when you try something new.

Here's another surprising thing.  I wrote poetry.  I NEVER thought I would give this a try.  I know I'm not very good at it, but...  I still did it.  And a couple times some folks said they liked it.  Even my sweet husband enjoyed the poems I wrote for his mom.  I was surprised I could put feelings into words and have them make sense.  And even more surprising, the words have moved other people.

By blogging I have become a member of the blogging community.  Wow, there are A LOT of bloggers out there in cyberspace.  I have learned a lot by reading the blogs of others.  I, also, have received hope and encouragement from bloggers out there.  There is something anonymous about sitting behind a screen and typing.  I know you can't see me and I know I could really type just ANYTHING.  Would you know?  But the truth is, sitting behind this screen and writing is WAY more revealing than I thought it would be.  I'm chipping away at my tough exterior and allowing some of my creamy goodness to escape.  I know this doesn't sound good, but I'm struggling with the metaphor.  I'm peeling the onion I call Happy Girl.  And this is the best part, I'm learning things about myself and finding something good inside.  Ok, I'm thinking about going a little deeper here...

I talk to my mom on the phone almost every day, on the drive into work.  Lately I've been noticing the negative way she has of talking about herself and others.  Hmmm, maybe I got a bit of my negative POV from her?  Maybe.  I can tell you, my dad is able to turn any good thing on its head in a NY minute.  Not a lot of positivity there, either.  Hmmm... I'm thinking this may be genetic?  Anyway, by taking time every day to think about my blog and what I'll write about, I've been forcing myself to focus on the positive.  And, it changes the way I've been looking at the world.  This is a good thing.

I've told you before, my one girlfriend who reads this blog has asked me, "Do the people who read your blog know how ironic your name is?"  Maybe my name is becoming less ironic every day.