I am now retired.
I feel good and bad at the same time about this turn of events. No one is more surprised by these conflicted feelings than I am. I'm learning so much about myself.
I remember that in June 2012 I told myself I would work for one more year. I loved the way I told myself that story. It made me happy. It gave me something to look forward to. Every time I completed a task on the annual calendar I would tell myself, "Hooray, that's the last time I'll ever have to do that." It felt like I was checking a box. And being the strong ISTJ that I am, checking a box feels like success. I continued through the fiscal year completing task after task, just waiting for June 30, 2013 to arrive.
June 30, 2013 arrived and I didn't quit. Nobody was more surprised about this than I was, but there were extenuating circumstances. I wrote about some of them here and here and here. So there is no need to rehash this whole mess. Oh, btw, the college I USED to work at is still accepting applications for fall 2013. (classes begin on September 3rd. hurry up all you slackers, there is still a place for you this overpriced public institution.)
I am happy. I mean, I've finally stopped hitting myself with a hammer. I'm out of a situation that was pretty toxic for me. I really was never able to buy into the mission statement and mindset of the institution. I tried to appease this in myself by just doing my job and not getting involved in the culture of the institution. I wasn't able to keep my feelings completely to myself and ended up not winning any popularity contests. There just weren't enough conservative capitalists on campus for me to hang around with. (there were a couple, and we were friends. hi girlfriend!) I worked for a guy that believed that making money and talking about how you do that, was vulgar. Making money in the stock market, on eBay, and renting real estate were my favorite hobbies. (btw, it was ok to chat about killing birds, his hobby. not gross at all.)
I am happy. Now I can do all the things at home I wished I was doing while I was at work. My lifestyle isn't going to change because I don't have this job anymore. (well, sadly, I am going to let my house cleaner go today. it would just not work for someone to come and clean my house while I'm at home.)
So, you may ask, why am I not so happy I cannot stand myself? I guess the first reason is because of my ISTJ personality type. Yep, I'm my own worst enemy. I'm a duty fulfiller. It would have been easier for me to have a couple weeks to tie up all the loose ends of things I was working on. Instead and because I had already submitted a letter of resignation with a date of August 8th as my last day, they accepted my resignation yesterday and gave me 2 weeks pay in lieu of 2 more weeks of notice. I need to accept that those things I was working on that I hadn't finished yet, aren't my job anymore. They don't want me to finish them. I need to give up the ownership I feel for the work I did. I don't work there anymore.
My husband tells me he went through this same process when he retired from his job. He's an ESTJ. I know it will pass. Today is just the first day. The way that my resignation was accepted was done in a strange way. (I really need to write about that, but I think I need a day or two of distance because it was done in a pretty hurtful way. a couple days may help me see the humor in it.)
So I'm turning a page. I'm walking through a new door. I'm entering a new phase of my life. I've gone from being a child, to becoming a college student, then a working single adult, to a Navy wife, which turned into a stay at home mother, to a working mother, and then a working empty nester, to what I have now become... retired. Thank you to all that have held me in prayer during this transition. I'm ready to do this retired thing the best way I can. I am accepting any and all suggestions, cyber hugs, real hugs, and hope, strength and experience out there.
To quote Paul Simon, “I've got nothing to do today but smile.”
I'm linking with Emily today at Imperfect Prose because I'm happy, but scared.
441. Waking up without an alarm clock
442. Drinking coffee in my pajamas on a Wednesday and I'm not on vacation
443. Writing my blog at home
444. Thinking about my future
445. Hearing people tell me they will miss me (for a little while)
446. Thinking about what I want to call this stage of my life (I'm not sure I want to call it retirement just yet)
447. Allowing myself to feel these feelings (it's not something I typically do)
448. Being encouraged by my husband
449. Not having to plan a going away lunch for Sleeping Beauty (his last day is a week from Friday)
450. Trusting that I am in the center of God's plan for me
I feel good and bad at the same time about this turn of events. No one is more surprised by these conflicted feelings than I am. I'm learning so much about myself.
I remember that in June 2012 I told myself I would work for one more year. I loved the way I told myself that story. It made me happy. It gave me something to look forward to. Every time I completed a task on the annual calendar I would tell myself, "Hooray, that's the last time I'll ever have to do that." It felt like I was checking a box. And being the strong ISTJ that I am, checking a box feels like success. I continued through the fiscal year completing task after task, just waiting for June 30, 2013 to arrive.
June 30, 2013 arrived and I didn't quit. Nobody was more surprised about this than I was, but there were extenuating circumstances. I wrote about some of them here and here and here. So there is no need to rehash this whole mess. Oh, btw, the college I USED to work at is still accepting applications for fall 2013. (classes begin on September 3rd. hurry up all you slackers, there is still a place for you this overpriced public institution.)
I am happy. I mean, I've finally stopped hitting myself with a hammer. I'm out of a situation that was pretty toxic for me. I really was never able to buy into the mission statement and mindset of the institution. I tried to appease this in myself by just doing my job and not getting involved in the culture of the institution. I wasn't able to keep my feelings completely to myself and ended up not winning any popularity contests. There just weren't enough conservative capitalists on campus for me to hang around with. (there were a couple, and we were friends. hi girlfriend!) I worked for a guy that believed that making money and talking about how you do that, was vulgar. Making money in the stock market, on eBay, and renting real estate were my favorite hobbies. (btw, it was ok to chat about killing birds, his hobby. not gross at all.)
I am happy. Now I can do all the things at home I wished I was doing while I was at work. My lifestyle isn't going to change because I don't have this job anymore. (well, sadly, I am going to let my house cleaner go today. it would just not work for someone to come and clean my house while I'm at home.)
So, you may ask, why am I not so happy I cannot stand myself? I guess the first reason is because of my ISTJ personality type. Yep, I'm my own worst enemy. I'm a duty fulfiller. It would have been easier for me to have a couple weeks to tie up all the loose ends of things I was working on. Instead and because I had already submitted a letter of resignation with a date of August 8th as my last day, they accepted my resignation yesterday and gave me 2 weeks pay in lieu of 2 more weeks of notice. I need to accept that those things I was working on that I hadn't finished yet, aren't my job anymore. They don't want me to finish them. I need to give up the ownership I feel for the work I did. I don't work there anymore.
My husband tells me he went through this same process when he retired from his job. He's an ESTJ. I know it will pass. Today is just the first day. The way that my resignation was accepted was done in a strange way. (I really need to write about that, but I think I need a day or two of distance because it was done in a pretty hurtful way. a couple days may help me see the humor in it.)
So I'm turning a page. I'm walking through a new door. I'm entering a new phase of my life. I've gone from being a child, to becoming a college student, then a working single adult, to a Navy wife, which turned into a stay at home mother, to a working mother, and then a working empty nester, to what I have now become... retired. Thank you to all that have held me in prayer during this transition. I'm ready to do this retired thing the best way I can. I am accepting any and all suggestions, cyber hugs, real hugs, and hope, strength and experience out there.
To quote Paul Simon, “I've got nothing to do today but smile.”
441. Waking up without an alarm clock
442. Drinking coffee in my pajamas on a Wednesday and I'm not on vacation
443. Writing my blog at home
444. Thinking about my future
445. Hearing people tell me they will miss me (for a little while)
446. Thinking about what I want to call this stage of my life (I'm not sure I want to call it retirement just yet)
447. Allowing myself to feel these feelings (it's not something I typically do)
448. Being encouraged by my husband
449. Not having to plan a going away lunch for Sleeping Beauty (his last day is a week from Friday)
450. Trusting that I am in the center of God's plan for me
Congratulations! Sounds like this is a great move for you to get out of a toxic situation. And it also sounds like you've earned a break. I hope you continue to enjoy this new phase of life!
ReplyDeletewell congratulations....i am sure you will find something to fill that time...and you def have me interested in how it came to be...i am sorry it hurt in the process though
ReplyDeleteWow. That is not how I expected this story to end! I've been following from a distance the last few months - my own life has been pretty hectic but I've tried to check in from time to time - and was wondering how these transitions would work out for you. I do hope that the coming days are filled with a continually growing sense of peace and joy!
ReplyDeleteKati, Thanks for popping in. I think about you often. Life is full of transitions and change. I'm just going through this on in my life. I believe they did me a favor. I'm going to be just fine. I hope you to experience peace and joy in your life.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'm sure I'll feel better about it each and every day.
ReplyDeletewoohoo! congratulations. I've been feeling bad for you and the (former) work situation. I am happy to hear that will no longer be a source of frustration for you. Let the fun begin now!
ReplyDelete