Thursday, November 3, 2011

I'm moving in the wrong direction

How can a person take 20 steps forward and then take 25 steps backward?  I don't know the answer to this one.  It seems to happen to me more often than I'd like.  Back in June I wrote a post outlining my reason for blogging and noting how far I'd come in my journey to be positive.  But here I am again.  I feel like I've done nothing but slide backwards.  For example:

Four years ago I lost 40 some lbs.  I got rid of all my "fat" clothes and told myself, never again.  Never again will I need those clothes.  So I got rid of them all.  Now, *sigh* I need those clothes back.  :(

I was feeling pretty good about myself in my job, but then... clunk.  Yesterday I discovered I made a mistake at my job.  And when I say "I discovered" I really mean, my boss discovered my mistake.  My boss had sent me an email asking me to make flight reservations for him to go to Boston for a sailing regatta.  For some reason, I didn't see the email.  I didn't make flight reservations.  I screwed up.  The flight the others were using wasn't available for my boss.  He wanted to travel with the others.  I failed.  I feel sick.  I know everyone makes mistakes, but I feel just sick about it.  I know I tell myself, "screw it, you don't need this job.  Heck, they can fire me if they want."  but right now, I just feel crappy about it.  The really bad thing about dwelling on it is this... I'm making more mistakes.  I can't focus.  I know it's been crazy around this place.  (btw, my school made the front page of yesterday's Washington Post... above the fold, mind you)  I know I need to do my job better.  I've been super tired.  I'm so ready to go to bed when I get home from work.  We are still working on fixing our house, so I can't go RIGHT to bed.  I need to get things accomplished when I get home, but it is getting harder and harder to do.  Right now, it feels like my job is just sucking the life out of me.  So, what is happening with me?

Just so you know, my boss is OK with the mistake.  He agrees, everyone makes mistakes.  He wants me to get over this and move on.  I know my job is not in jeopardy.  But, to me, it feels like it is.  It's a funny thing, what I KNOW in my head is not corresponding with what I FEEL in my gut. 

The Bible study I just joined is studying spiritual warfare.  I have a question.  Is this the kind of thing that happens to you right after you find a place you believe you are going to be able to  reconnect with the body of Christ and get back into the Bible?  Am I under attack?  Or is this just life? 

Oh, and I would like a little cheese with my whine.  Thanks for asking.  :)   


  1. Mistakes just happen - trust me, I make them all the time.  I copied a prayer from the Book of Common Worship and hung it over my computer.  It's a prayer meant to be said at noon (the concept of a midday prayer recommended by a dear friend and Presbyterian pastor):

    God of mercy,
    this midday moment of rest is your welcome gift.
    Bless the work we have begun,
    make good its defects,
    and let us finish it in a way that pleases you.
    Grant this through Christ our Lord.


  2. Yep, that's exactly the kind of thing that happens when you try to draw closer to God.
    Especailly if you are studying Spiritual Warfare.

    I can say from personal experience that at the exact moment I think I am summitting the mountain just about to glimpse the rays of the sun unobstructed- Bamo! Satan throws a sucker punch I never saw coming. Experiencing it right now.
    But at this point in my life I just feel it firing me up, making me feel even more defiant toward the devil and even more connected with God.

    BTW- I had to give the whole weight thing over to God, especially now that I also wish I had kept those "Big Girl" pants. He knows I am pretty much floundering there too but I have a pretty positive feeling about admitting it to Him.

  3. yes it is....i think you will be ok...forgive yourself of your occupational transgressions...if the boss is cool, be cool...the clothes, hey you lost it before so you know how to do it again....i am on that road new work out kicked my butt yesterday too...ugh...but better days are coming eh?

  4. When ever a believer tries to move in a direction that will: bring them closer to God, strengthen others, spread the word of God, do His work, ect - you can be sure of an attack!   The enemy wants to keep us low! 

    I mean life just sometimes doesn't go right, but it's not wrong to think of it as an attack and pray more, seek Him more and rest in Him more - because we ALL need to do those things more- attack or not! ♥

    Praying you find your strength in Him.  :)

  5. Spiritual warfare, Erica. Definitely.

  6. So get what you are saying! Wonder if its life teaching us to appreciate what we have, what we are about to receive?

  7. Oh yes.  Spiritual warfare.  Be prepared to fight the enemy in a bible study like that.

  8. Yes my friend. It certainly is, can be, etc. Hang on tight to those loving arms of Jesus. Let's also consider this. In the past several months, you've weathered/are weathering some tough life hits. You mom in laws passing and ALL the things entailed there. Something about a hurricane, trees, messes. And yes, the damage done is a loss. Not only the loss of the things, but the loss of security our homes give us .
    Allow yourself time to grieve, mourn those things. Honest. Am not saying it is easy to do. The work of mourning is tough, but necessary. Remember there is no time line with mourning. Everyone is different and we must not judge ourselves, or others, aka what we think is correct. The heart heals, when the heart heals and when we've done the grief work.
    You are okay. You've found a church! yeah God. You've found a group to support you. yeah God. And I do believe you are listening to that still small voice guiding you, encouraging you.
    Jesus loves YOU. right now, just like you are.
    May that surround you.... completely.

  9. Well, when I'm in a situation like this, I tell myself that it's the yin and the yang - surely there is a Biblical equivalent of this?! The bad days make the good days better. Pollyanna never appreciated her happiness until she missed it. Too bad that film didn't continue beyond when she got happy again, but I suspect it was a much better happiness once she had a deeper perspective.

    Maybe this logic doesn't help you, if not, sorry... it's what helps me.

  10. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise
    on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the
    unrighteous. Matthew 5:44, 45

    This may be the verse you are thinking of in the Bible.  It's what I think of when good things happen to bad people and vice versa.  I pretty much considered this post a whine.  I always wish to blame ANYTHING but myself when I make a mistake.  Especially a BIG mistake.  I'm usually quite conscientious, but with all the hubbub going on at work and the phone never stopping ringing, I made a mistake.  Mistakes happen to EVERYONE.

    I think the fact I found a Bible study with people who think like me and the fact the Bible study topic is spiritual warfare was just the kind of thing that makes one say, "hmmm."


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