Grief

I'm dealing with a lot of grief in my life.  I'm not dealing with my own grief.  I'm dealing with the grief of my husband and his family.  It's hard.  I'm tired of it.  I know I sound unkind, but I'm sick of their grief.

Grief can be accompanied by many other emotions.  So far I've witnessed grief coupled with depression.  I've seen my husband look so tired.  And sad. And I'm listening to him begin to criticize himself for ANY tiny error or mistake.  He is working on his dissertation, still.  It's going very slowly.  There are a lot of rewrites.  There is a lot of frustration.  He's dealing with his grief about the death of his mother.  He's making decisions about her stuff.  He's dealing with his siblings.  He's dealing with me.  He's dealing with his job.  And, he's not sleeping.  He's not sleeping nearly enough.  Things about his work, home, school, that used to come easily.  Don't anymore.  There are a lot of struggles.  And, I think he is depressed.  I'm not a doctor, but I think many men exhibit their depression through anger.  Or, at least a loss of patience with themselves and others.  This is just my opinion.

Grief can be accompanied by anger.  This anger may or may not be coupled with depression.  It may just be ANGER.  The desire to have things your way.  No matter HOW anyone else feels about it.  My sister-in-law seems to be going through this.  She wants EVERYTHING her way and she can DO IT ALL.  I have backed off helping out with the memorial service.  She wants to do everything.  She's making all the food.  She's communicating (I'm using this word VERY loosely) with everyone herself.  She's making all the decisions.  And, it's been made clear to me that I am not family.  She and my husband have had loud, uncomfortable disagreements earlier this week.  It was awful.  Thank goodness we have now moved into the comfortable (quiet) freeze-out of cold, hard anger.  She doesn't want anything to do with us.

I've heard grief and anger can make satisfying, if unhealthy, companions because the anger allows a great quantity of emotion to be expelled in one or two giant outbursts.  Ok, I get this.  But, let me tell you, it is no fun being on the receiving end of those outbursts.  I'm trying hard to understand the idea of doing everything herself and pushing help away with both hands.  Maybe by doing it all she can exhaust herself and get the sleep my husband is sorely missing?  I don't know.  I have not experienced this kind of grief.

I don't know how long grief is supposed to last.  I don't know if there is anything I can do to alleviate my husband's grief.  I don't think there is.  I just try to "be there" for him.  I'm on his side.  I'll keep away from his sister.  She's very scary now and we have never been close.  I let her son fb friend me.  I'm sure it wasn't his idea, but if she wants to stalk me, it's ok with me. 

We leave for Indiana next week.  It's going to be a tougher trip than I first imagined it would be.  I know we will all live through it.  But, I can't wait until it is over.  Good grief.  So far, I can't see anything good about it.