I think I may be a Disney princess. After all, I'm 55 years old and I'm 50 lbs. overweight. I wear glasses. My hair is graying. And my boobs are racing each other to my knees and I think the right one may be winning. Yeah, I think that sounds like a Disney princess, don't you? Maybe I'll name myself Bellerella. Or Mulahontas. Or Tiana-Ting. Anyway, I think I may be the lost Disney princess and I'll tell you why.
I have found myself in conflict with an evil villain.
The most recent villain in my life entered just over a month ago. Let's call him Sir Boringoldguy. He is my newest co-worker. Unfortunately, his boss (aka my boss) was on travel during this guy's first week of work. Sadly, I was tasked with introducing this guy around campus and settling him into his office. I was, essentially, being his "go-to" person. Super sadly, this guy became quite attached to me. Seriously, if I didn't know full well that I look exactly like the person described in the first paragraph of this post, I'd think he was trying to "come-on" to me. And yet, I'm the more vivacious of the pair of us. If you get my meaning.
Some of his dastardly deeds include coming to meetings with my boss 20 minutes early so he can sit down in the chair across my desk and talk to me. I now know way too much about this guy. I can tell you, I learned way too much about this guy in his first two weeks. Here is a guy with no boundaries. None. I know his son is wanted by the police. I know the entire story of why his son is wanted by the police. I know he is hiding his son from the police. I know he is still looking for another job because he believes he can do better than this. I know how EVERYTHING was done on Capitol Hill in regard to environmental health and safety. And you know what? I don't care about any of it. This guy is trying to bore me to death.
I've attempted to fight my nemesis off with comments like, "You know? I'm busy just now and really don't have time to talk." And this one, "You really shouldn't be telling me all this. It's none of my business." And my favorite, "Please leave. I have a lot of work to do and I have someone coming to my office in a couple minutes." This guy, evidently, has a force field and all my verbal arrows bounce right off of him. Bummer.
Face to face combat is not the only evil trick he has up his sleeve. He is also the master of lengthy, rambling emails. His emails usually contain two or three forms of bullet points (arrows, dots, blocks...), at least one bolded word, a couple of words in ALL CAPS, italicization, and (my favorite) multiple colors and fonts. He's the type of villain that uses 500 words when five words would suffice. Oh! The humanity!
Unlike most Disney princesses, there is no Prince Charming around this place to rescue me from this evil villain. None. My boss is King Non-confrontational. Even though I have actually gone into my boss' office and told him this guy is bothering me and will not stop coming over to my office to chat, my boss will do nothing. I am an orphan and my king will not save me.
I will become Princess Happy-merida-girl. I will load my quiver with arrows that will pierce any force field. I'll use "No, you can't sit there." And, "You need to leave." As well as, "Does it smell like mothballs in here or is that you?" How about the always effective, "Go away, now." Let's pray it does not come down to cursing by foul words and the all-powerful Human Resource curse.
I hope I end up living happily ever after. Or, at least until the countdown on my I Quit This Job clock strikes zero.
634. Two days with King Non-confrontational on travel
635. The most beautiful fall weather, EVER!
636. Co-workers I enjoy working with
637. Memories of the other evil villains that have been my life that have been slain or conquered
I have found myself in conflict with an evil villain.
The most recent villain in my life entered just over a month ago. Let's call him Sir Boringoldguy. He is my newest co-worker. Unfortunately, his boss (aka my boss) was on travel during this guy's first week of work. Sadly, I was tasked with introducing this guy around campus and settling him into his office. I was, essentially, being his "go-to" person. Super sadly, this guy became quite attached to me. Seriously, if I didn't know full well that I look exactly like the person described in the first paragraph of this post, I'd think he was trying to "come-on" to me. And yet, I'm the more vivacious of the pair of us. If you get my meaning.
Some of his dastardly deeds include coming to meetings with my boss 20 minutes early so he can sit down in the chair across my desk and talk to me. I now know way too much about this guy. I can tell you, I learned way too much about this guy in his first two weeks. Here is a guy with no boundaries. None. I know his son is wanted by the police. I know the entire story of why his son is wanted by the police. I know he is hiding his son from the police. I know he is still looking for another job because he believes he can do better than this. I know how EVERYTHING was done on Capitol Hill in regard to environmental health and safety. And you know what? I don't care about any of it. This guy is trying to bore me to death.
I've attempted to fight my nemesis off with comments like, "You know? I'm busy just now and really don't have time to talk." And this one, "You really shouldn't be telling me all this. It's none of my business." And my favorite, "Please leave. I have a lot of work to do and I have someone coming to my office in a couple minutes." This guy, evidently, has a force field and all my verbal arrows bounce right off of him. Bummer.
Face to face combat is not the only evil trick he has up his sleeve. He is also the master of lengthy, rambling emails. His emails usually contain two or three forms of bullet points (arrows, dots, blocks...), at least one bolded word, a couple of words in ALL CAPS, italicization, and (my favorite) multiple colors and fonts. He's the type of villain that uses 500 words when five words would suffice. Oh! The humanity!
Unlike most Disney princesses, there is no Prince Charming around this place to rescue me from this evil villain. None. My boss is King Non-confrontational. Even though I have actually gone into my boss' office and told him this guy is bothering me and will not stop coming over to my office to chat, my boss will do nothing. I am an orphan and my king will not save me.
I will become Princess Happy-merida-girl. I will load my quiver with arrows that will pierce any force field. I'll use "No, you can't sit there." And, "You need to leave." As well as, "Does it smell like mothballs in here or is that you?" How about the always effective, "Go away, now." Let's pray it does not come down to cursing by foul words and the all-powerful Human Resource curse.
I hope I end up living happily ever after. Or, at least until the countdown on my I Quit This Job clock strikes zero.
The end.
634. Two days with King Non-confrontational on travel
635. The most beautiful fall weather, EVER!
636. Co-workers I enjoy working with
637. Memories of the other evil villains that have been my life that have been slain or conquered
Too funny! If your first paragraph is the criteria for being a princess...I am too! HA! As for the boring guy, it does look like you're on your own there. You can do it! Most of the time theses day, we have to rescue ourselves anyway. We are women, hear us ROAR!
ReplyDeleteoh man....yes, you might want to put a thumb tack in that seat when you know a meeting is coming....hehe...ugh....fight him off...the multi color email is sickness...you have an HR department?
ReplyDeleteoh dear. good luck dealing with your favorite new coworker!!
ReplyDeleteOh my - that's the worst! They hired a salesman at work a couple of years ago who latched onto me like that. He sat in a cubicle upwards from mine and loved to roll in his chair backwards to ask me to borrow things. And then it got more pervasive - he started asked me to things outside of work. I had to be very direct with him in my refusals. And I knew exactly what he was after - someone to look after he and his special needs older son. He was recently widowed and was trying to find a new wife. He finally moved elsewhere and I heard that he married a couple of months later. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I hate to hear people who think they are too good for the job they have - especially with so many people out of work. Tell him I said that.
I can't wait to tell him just that. Thanks Lynn
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious! Hope one of those arrows hits the mark!
ReplyDeleteOh my! You are funny.
ReplyDelete