Last week I wrote about the parable of the unmerciful servant and about forgiveness. I remember sharing with my small group about forgiving my husband and the difficulty I had had doing this. I truly wanted to forgive, but at that time I was still feeling pretty darn hurt. I told my group how I was able to forgive and truly move past the hurt. The way I did it was a bit unorthodox, but it worked for me. I told my husband I needed to punch him, hard, in the shoulder a bunch of times or until I thought he was feeling the hurt as bad as I felt I had been hurt. I told my small group bible study, I believed I punched my husband about 800 times over the span of a couple months. Then my hand started to hurt and I stopped. Everyone laughed. This is a bit exaggerated, but the kernel of the story is true. I did punch him in the shoulder many times in order to get past the hurt and forgive. I love my husband and I didn't want the hurting to go on and on. I wanted to get it over. This worked for me. Obviously, from the reaction of my group, this isn't a conventional way to go about forgiveness. I told my husband it would only hurt for a little while and then I'd be over it. And, seriously, I don't punch all that hard.
I think the difficulty of being forgiving may have something to do with this desire for the person that hurt you feel as hurt as you do. I guess some may call this revenge and not forgiveness, but if the retaliation only lasts for a little while and the offender agrees, this may be an ok way to go about it. I think the key to this is having the offender agree to the retaliation. I think someone truly looking to be forgiven or someone accepting the responsibility of their actions would agree to something along these lines. I think it becomes difficult to forgive when the offender doesn't acknowledge their hurtful actions. This is where it becomes challenging.
For example, if you were in a bible study with church ladies and you shared about a heartbreaking situation in your family, you may be hoping for an outpouring of love and comforting actions. And, you may get this and even have your name mentioned in the prayer at the end of the study. After leaving the study, you might think you would get a phone call or email or text or some sort of communication from one or two of the church ladies to see how you are doing. But, nope... nothing... crickets. Now, I know, unspoken expectations lead to resentments. So, here's what you do. The next meeting of the group you mention you need support during this difficult time in your family. You would like to get this support from this group. You don't know exactly what you need, but you know you need to feel the love of Christ. ('cause right now, you don't) Again, your name is mentioned in the closing prayer and the rest of the week... crickets. Live and learn, right? Maybe you need to skip a week, because the sight of the church ladies is beginning to sicken you. But, you go back. You've learned your lesson. There is no way you are bringing up your heartbreaking family situation, because, you've heard loud and clear, ...they aren't going to be able to be there for you. Instead, what you hear is a praise report for the members of the youth group visiting a person in jail that came to church one time. (this feels exactly like salt in a wound) Aren't our youth wonderful to visit this stranger seeking Jesus, but then, unfortunately, being incarcerated and not able to attend church. In fact, the group of church ladies wants to encourage the youth and others to continue to visit this fellow and share the love of Jesus.
And you sit there, stunned at the outpouring of love going to a stranger. And you wonder why there is energy and desire for this stranger, while you sit there, quietly bleeding. (what's the matter, aren't you over it already?)
You won't be going back. You've learned that it's easier for them to show love to a stranger than to you. It hurts. You don't come back and they don't call you. (it's been said, christians shoot their wounded) You want to forgive them, because that is what christians do. But you want them to hurt, because they hurt you. You want to tell them they hurt you, but they won't know what you are talking about. They prayed for you. What more can they do? They cannot fix the heartbreaking family situation. You need to let them off the hook. Besides, prayer is the best thing they can do. There is no acknowledgment of hurt. There is no, "I'm sorry." There was no "bearing of another's burden."
Don't you wish you could punch them in the shoulder until they hurt like you do? Then it would be easier to forgive.
326. Great re-connection with old friends
327. Listening to my son share work "war stories" with a kindergarten teacher
328. Homemade potato salad
329. Beautiful afternoon with cool breezes sitting on my new deck for the first time
330. Black forest birthday cake
331. Watching my son and husband working together to get a big job accomplished
I think the difficulty of being forgiving may have something to do with this desire for the person that hurt you feel as hurt as you do. I guess some may call this revenge and not forgiveness, but if the retaliation only lasts for a little while and the offender agrees, this may be an ok way to go about it. I think the key to this is having the offender agree to the retaliation. I think someone truly looking to be forgiven or someone accepting the responsibility of their actions would agree to something along these lines. I think it becomes difficult to forgive when the offender doesn't acknowledge their hurtful actions. This is where it becomes challenging.
For example, if you were in a bible study with church ladies and you shared about a heartbreaking situation in your family, you may be hoping for an outpouring of love and comforting actions. And, you may get this and even have your name mentioned in the prayer at the end of the study. After leaving the study, you might think you would get a phone call or email or text or some sort of communication from one or two of the church ladies to see how you are doing. But, nope... nothing... crickets. Now, I know, unspoken expectations lead to resentments. So, here's what you do. The next meeting of the group you mention you need support during this difficult time in your family. You would like to get this support from this group. You don't know exactly what you need, but you know you need to feel the love of Christ. ('cause right now, you don't) Again, your name is mentioned in the closing prayer and the rest of the week... crickets. Live and learn, right? Maybe you need to skip a week, because the sight of the church ladies is beginning to sicken you. But, you go back. You've learned your lesson. There is no way you are bringing up your heartbreaking family situation, because, you've heard loud and clear, ...they aren't going to be able to be there for you. Instead, what you hear is a praise report for the members of the youth group visiting a person in jail that came to church one time. (this feels exactly like salt in a wound) Aren't our youth wonderful to visit this stranger seeking Jesus, but then, unfortunately, being incarcerated and not able to attend church. In fact, the group of church ladies wants to encourage the youth and others to continue to visit this fellow and share the love of Jesus.
And you sit there, stunned at the outpouring of love going to a stranger. And you wonder why there is energy and desire for this stranger, while you sit there, quietly bleeding. (what's the matter, aren't you over it already?)
You won't be going back. You've learned that it's easier for them to show love to a stranger than to you. It hurts. You don't come back and they don't call you. (it's been said, christians shoot their wounded) You want to forgive them, because that is what christians do. But you want them to hurt, because they hurt you. You want to tell them they hurt you, but they won't know what you are talking about. They prayed for you. What more can they do? They cannot fix the heartbreaking family situation. You need to let them off the hook. Besides, prayer is the best thing they can do. There is no acknowledgment of hurt. There is no, "I'm sorry." There was no "bearing of another's burden."
Don't you wish you could punch them in the shoulder until they hurt like you do? Then it would be easier to forgive.
326. Great re-connection with old friends
327. Listening to my son share work "war stories" with a kindergarten teacher
328. Homemade potato salad
329. Beautiful afternoon with cool breezes sitting on my new deck for the first time
330. Black forest birthday cake
331. Watching my son and husband working together to get a big job accomplished
