Thursday, March 29, 2012

The right way to love

It's been a jam-packed past two weeks for me.  Crazy busy.  Work has been busy.  Home has been busy.  I was on 40 mg of prednisone every day for five days, so I wasn't able to sleep for ten days, craziness.  Today I feel like there has been a break in the urgency of the past two weeks.  I thought, great, I'll write my blog.  I sit down to write and nothing comes to mind.  Nothing.  I feel like laying down and taking a nap, but I'm having a tough time with a subject for this day.

Le sigh...

My husband is still in Tahoe, skiing.  Lucky guy.  I miss him.  I'm doing just fine at home with the dog and the kid, but I miss him.  This is a good thing, right?  It must mean that I love him if I miss him.  Right?  Yeah, I love him.  I used to wonder if I ever truly loved anyone when I was younger.  I used to think about my parents and wondered if the feelings I had toward them was love.  I wondered the same thing about my feelings toward my brothers.  My feelings never felt like I thought the "loving feelings" on tv shows or movies looked.  I never once felt the pang of homesickness when I went away to camp or sleepovers.  I remember looking at the kids that were crying and wondering what was going on with them.  Did they love their parents so much more than I loved mine that they couldn't bear to leave them?  And if this was so, why were they going to camp if they all loved each other so much?  Wouldn't it be better to stay together, at home?  I wondered about my ability to love with boyfriends in high school.  I dated a fair amount, but I wouldn't say I was "in love" with any of these boys.  In fact, the boy I was dating just before senior prom broke up with me and I didn't get to go to prom.  The reason he broke up with me was because he discovered the only reason I was dating him was to go to prom.  This was not very nice of me, so I deserved the break up.  I still wonder how he found this out.  Hmm?  Then I met my husband and we fell in love.  I still can't say what it was about my feelings for him that made it clear I was "in love" with him.  I liked him.  We had a long distance relationship.  He was in Jacksonville, FL and I was in Chicago, IL.  We laughingly say we had five dates and were married.  He went out to sea for nine months immediately after our honeymoon.  I missed him, but I was fine.  I certainly didn't cry every day and, sadly, I hardly wrote him any letters.  He, on the other hand, wrote to me almost every day.  There were more separations in our marriage because of his job with the navy, and I tolerated them quite well.  I guess the way I love doesn't depend on being next to the person I love at all times.  I never wished we could be together ALL the time.  I didn't need to talk to him on the phone while he was at work.  I handled time apart very well.  Yet, I wondered if this meant there was something "wrong" about the way I love people.  Did this ability to give my parents, my brothers, my boyfriends, my husband, my son and other people I love, their space and be completely ok with time apart and enjoy my independence, as well, mean I didn't love people well?  In fact, now that I think about it, any time I was in a relationship with someone a bit too clingy or if I have a friend that needs a little too much of my time I tend to distance myself from them.

I'm beginning to think I attract people who don't need to have me cling to them to feel loved.  My parents are not the most touchy-feely people.  In fact, when I tell my mother "I love you" on the phone, before I hang up, she often stumbles over the words, "I love you, too."  They just don't come naturally to her.  My brothers and me are close, but we don't talk to each other often.  I think we like each other, well enough, but we aren't the kind of siblings that will go on vacation together.  I think we could, but we just don't think of it.  In the case of my husband, it's funny, I think I like being with him more now than I did when we were younger.  I guess we've gotten used to each other.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sleeping just fine with him away.

If they made movies about the way I show love and need to be loved, the movie would be pretty boring.  Maybe that's why they use the crying, clinging, "I can't live without you" kind of love for the silver screen.  There's a chance I could be wrong about all this and I'm just a cold fish when it comes to love, but I don't think so.

One of my readers, Brandee, told me about love languages.  Evidently everyone feels loved by one or more of the five love languages.  Somehow, I had never heard of this.  The five languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.  I'm fairly certain I'm not into the touch or the gifts.  There is a test one can take to determine your love language.  I think I'm going to take the test and discover which is my mother tongue.  I'm going to guess it is acts of service because I'm really missing the fact that my husband takes care of the dog and takes out the garbage.  I'll let you know how this turns out.

84.  Quieter day at work
85.  Readers with good information
86.  Hot coffee in the afternoon, sometimes
87.  This blog.  It explains why I am the way I am
88.  A great conversation with my son
89.  Another sunny spring day


  1. I think my small group is getting ready to do the study on kids' love languages. I  think my older two are "quality time" and the baby "physical touch," but it will be interesting to find out, for sure.

  2. Yep, acts of service and quality time are my number one and two love languages. Good to know.

  3. My husband and I also had a long distance relationship.We dated for 3 years and saw each a total of 57 days. I know I love my husband more now than what I did 18 years ago when we got married. I think it's all about the things that we do for each other that shows the love. I know what you mean about "boring"  I say that I want peace. I don't want drama in my marriage. I want what some people would describe as boring. I think lovely.

  4. It's great that you have such a wonderful marriage.

  5. Reading  your blog, I always come away thinking that you seem like a great person to just sit and have a conversation with.  I promise to not be too clingy. :)

  6. I love comments.  They don't feel clingy at all.


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