I don't know if this is normal or not, but I'm scared all the time. I'm not as compulsively fearful as the character Monk on that tv show. I mean, I'm not quite as afraid of germs as he is, but there is no way I'm drinking bathroom water. I don't need to have an assistant with me to walk outside my home. But I have to admit, I totally understand that character. No one would know it by looking at me. I put on a pretty good act of confidence to make sure no one knows. I wonder, sometimes, if other people are scared as much as I am. We all try so hard to look like we know what we are doing. We don't want anyone to see our fear. That would be a sign of weakness.
I don't let the fact of being perpetually scared keep me from doing most things. (no way will I be jumping out of an airplane) I'm just, more often than not, scared before I do them. I'm typically not scared to drive to work, but today a car pulled out right in front of me and I had to slam on the breaks. Fortunately I was looking out for something just like this to happen, because I'm always afraid I'll get in a car accident while I'm driving. Last night there was a storm and I was afraid. I was afraid another tree would fall on my house. I wasn't so afraid that I didn't sleep. But I was nervous, so I took a benadryl to insure I would fall asleep. I'm often afraid at work. I know how to do my job and I'm pretty confident, but I am still afraid I'll do something wrong or forget to do something I need to do. I'm afraid to meet new people and go to new places. Even though I do these things, there is a little ball of fear in my belly when I do them. I'm afraid for my son's future and what he'll do when he is on his own. Will he be ok? I'm afraid something will happen to my husband. I'm afraid he'll leave me or, worse, die. I'm afraid to be without him.
When I'm doing something I am confident I do well, I'm still afraid of other things that are out of my control. I can be performing well at work and be afraid I will suddenly do something horribly wrong. How is it that I can be confident and afraid at the same time? Does this happen to anyone else? I remember one time I was in the car with my mom. She tells me that sometimes she feels an impulse to yank the steering wheel of the car and drive in the lane of oncoming traffic. Are you kidding me? I asked her not to do that, or better yet, let me drive. But the scariest part of this exchange was the thought in my head that, I too, have had this same thought. What is up with that?
I read about being authentic and not wearing masks and showing the world the real you. I'm wondering if anyone can truly do this. I don't know how revealing the little ball of fear, whether rational or irrational, I often have in my belly would help any situation. What good would it do for others to be made aware of my fears or my (very rare) crazy thoughts. After all, most of the time, I'm able to push through my fear. Am I wearing a mask when I push through my fear and join a small group bible study when I only know one of the people in the group and the rest are all new faces? Am I being inauthentic when I contribute in a meeting and I'm afraid I'll miss something that is said and not have it recorded in the minute?. Am I showing a false face when I drive to a place I've never been before and use the map on my phone to get me there and have to watch for traffic I'm not used to watching?
This world is a scary place. Lots of bad things can happen. There are many things we can't control. So every morning I tell God I'm afraid. I'm afraid and I'm going to need his help today. I trust he will not let me down. Even when my fears come true, I know God is there. And when it all turns out alright, I know he was there, as well. Every morning, when the alarm goes off, I tell God I'm afraid and I need his help.
I don't let the fact of being perpetually scared keep me from doing most things. (no way will I be jumping out of an airplane) I'm just, more often than not, scared before I do them. I'm typically not scared to drive to work, but today a car pulled out right in front of me and I had to slam on the breaks. Fortunately I was looking out for something just like this to happen, because I'm always afraid I'll get in a car accident while I'm driving. Last night there was a storm and I was afraid. I was afraid another tree would fall on my house. I wasn't so afraid that I didn't sleep. But I was nervous, so I took a benadryl to insure I would fall asleep. I'm often afraid at work. I know how to do my job and I'm pretty confident, but I am still afraid I'll do something wrong or forget to do something I need to do. I'm afraid to meet new people and go to new places. Even though I do these things, there is a little ball of fear in my belly when I do them. I'm afraid for my son's future and what he'll do when he is on his own. Will he be ok? I'm afraid something will happen to my husband. I'm afraid he'll leave me or, worse, die. I'm afraid to be without him.
When I'm doing something I am confident I do well, I'm still afraid of other things that are out of my control. I can be performing well at work and be afraid I will suddenly do something horribly wrong. How is it that I can be confident and afraid at the same time? Does this happen to anyone else? I remember one time I was in the car with my mom. She tells me that sometimes she feels an impulse to yank the steering wheel of the car and drive in the lane of oncoming traffic. Are you kidding me? I asked her not to do that, or better yet, let me drive. But the scariest part of this exchange was the thought in my head that, I too, have had this same thought. What is up with that?
I read about being authentic and not wearing masks and showing the world the real you. I'm wondering if anyone can truly do this. I don't know how revealing the little ball of fear, whether rational or irrational, I often have in my belly would help any situation. What good would it do for others to be made aware of my fears or my (very rare) crazy thoughts. After all, most of the time, I'm able to push through my fear. Am I wearing a mask when I push through my fear and join a small group bible study when I only know one of the people in the group and the rest are all new faces? Am I being inauthentic when I contribute in a meeting and I'm afraid I'll miss something that is said and not have it recorded in the minute?. Am I showing a false face when I drive to a place I've never been before and use the map on my phone to get me there and have to watch for traffic I'm not used to watching?
This world is a scary place. Lots of bad things can happen. There are many things we can't control. So every morning I tell God I'm afraid. I'm afraid and I'm going to need his help today. I trust he will not let me down. Even when my fears come true, I know God is there. And when it all turns out alright, I know he was there, as well. Every morning, when the alarm goes off, I tell God I'm afraid and I need his help.
It's a jungle out there
Disorder and confusion everywhere
No one seems to care... well I do.
Disorder and confusion everywhere
No one seems to care... well I do.
Linking with Emily at Imperfect Prose on Thursday
312. Waking up and seeing the storm has passed
313. A peaceful day
314. Avoiding an accident
315. Being a child of the creator of the universe
316. Pushing through fear
