Wednesday, May 30, 2012

It's a jungle out there

I don't know if this is normal or not, but I'm scared all the time.  I'm not as compulsively fearful as the character Monk on that tv show.  I mean, I'm not quite as afraid of germs as he is, but there is no way I'm drinking bathroom water.  I don't need to have an assistant with me to walk outside my home.  But I have to admit, I totally understand that character.  No one would know it by looking at me.  I put on a pretty good act of confidence to make sure no one knows.  I wonder, sometimes, if other people are scared as much as I am.  We all try so hard to look like we know what we are doing.  We don't want anyone to see our fear.  That would be a sign of weakness.

I don't let the fact of being perpetually scared keep me from doing most things.  (no way will I be jumping out of an airplane)  I'm just, more often than not, scared before I do them.  I'm typically not scared to drive to work, but today a car pulled out right in front of me and I had to slam on the breaks.  Fortunately I was looking out for something just like this to happen, because I'm always afraid I'll get in a car accident while I'm driving.  Last night there was a storm and I was afraid.  I was afraid another tree would fall on my house.  I wasn't so afraid that I didn't sleep.  But I was nervous, so I took a benadryl to insure I would fall asleep.  I'm often afraid at work.  I know how to do my job and I'm pretty confident, but I am still afraid I'll do something wrong or forget to do something I need to do.  I'm afraid to meet new people and go to new places.  Even though I do these things, there is a little ball of fear in my belly when I do them.  I'm afraid for my son's future and what he'll do when he is on his own.  Will he be ok?  I'm afraid something will happen to my husband.  I'm afraid he'll leave me or, worse, die.  I'm afraid to be without him. 

When I'm doing something I am confident I do well, I'm still afraid of other things that are out of my control.  I can be performing well at work and be afraid I will suddenly do something horribly wrong.  How is it that I can be confident and afraid at the same time?  Does this happen to anyone else?  I remember one time I was in the car with my mom.  She tells me that sometimes she feels an impulse to yank the steering wheel of the car and drive in the lane of oncoming traffic.  Are you kidding me?  I asked her not to do that, or better yet, let me drive.  But the scariest part of this exchange was the thought in my head that, I too, have had this same thought.  What is up with that? 

I read about being authentic and not wearing masks and showing the world the real you.  I'm wondering if anyone can truly do this.  I don't know how revealing the little ball of fear, whether rational or irrational, I often have in my belly would help any situation.  What good would it do for others to be made aware of my fears or my (very rare) crazy thoughts.  After all, most of the time, I'm able to push through my fear.  Am I wearing a mask when I push through my fear and join a small group bible study when I only know one of the people in the group and the rest are all new faces?  Am I being inauthentic when I contribute in a meeting and I'm afraid I'll miss something that is said and not have it recorded in the minute?.  Am I showing a false face when I drive to a place I've never been before and use the map on my phone to get me there and have to watch for traffic I'm not used to watching?

This world is a scary place.  Lots of bad things can happen.  There are many things we can't control.  So every morning I tell God I'm afraid.  I'm afraid and I'm going to need his help today.  I trust he will not let me down.  Even when my fears come true, I know God is there.  And when it all turns out alright, I know he was there, as well.  Every morning, when the alarm goes off, I tell God I'm afraid and I need his help.  

It's a jungle out there
Disorder and confusion everywhere
No one seems to care... well I do.

312.  Waking up and seeing the storm has passed
313.  A peaceful day
314.  Avoiding an accident
315.  Being a child of the creator of the universe
316.  Pushing through fear


  1. sound like the fear is driving you in the right direction at least...admitting this to others, well you might be surprised how many others may feel the same way...there is a lot we can not control in this world...

  2. Yes. I have irrational fears all. the. time. I'd like to be able to say that all fear is irrational when I know that the God who controls all the universe is good. But. We still live in a broken and fallen world, and bad things really do happen.

    I think it is pointless to beat ourselves up for experiencing fear, especially when, like you, we're just able to offer them up honestly to God.

  3. Yeah - I have that same thing of always thinking I'm going to get into an accident.  On Monday afternoon - I almost did.  I was going up a hill on a two-lane highway and a car came hurtling over it from the other direction, in my lane.  I pulled to the side and avoided a head on collision.  I am thankful for the Lord's protection and tried not to think what would have happened if I had been two seconds earlier.

  4. Fear is my Achilles' Heel, but it manifests itself a little bit differently for me. Day-to-day things rarely bother me. (Although, for the record, I'm terrified...TERRIFIED! of mice.) I seem to worry, primarily, about my brother and my son. I hunted fear down in scripture, and that helps some, sometimes. The Bible seems to indicate that faith and love are antidotes to fear, so now I'm hunting down faith in scripture. It's hard when the enemy knows so well where we're weak, isn't it? Love to you, Friend.

  5. Fear and Confidence at the same time? I get it, I really do!  Being able to look back and see how God worked things out has helped with future fears. I used to be so fearful that I didn't sleep at all at night. My mom took me to the doctor bc I would be so tired during the day she thought I was anemic or something. Fear can have such a big stronghold on your life. Crying out to God to deliver me from it was the only thing that worked! He took that fear and through it back into the pit of hell where it came from!

  6. You are so pretty! I like your picture! You look so happy!

  7. once I realized i can only control few things, but can always control my reaction to all life changed...and I too work on trust..guess we all do!!!
    I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

  8. Waiting here for the Hubs to get home from the airport with my daughter!  Popping over to read a few posts on Imperfect Prose while I wait.
    I don't consider myself to be a fearful person, but everyone has some fears, probably more if raised by fearful parents.
    And that weird, crazy, what if I suddenly swerve into the other lane thing...I think most people have had that one.

  9. We all have fears.  Some are just better at hiding them.  I love that every morning you tell God of your fears and that you need Him.  What better way to face those fears?  None.

  10. We're all afraid.  It's pushing through the fear that matters.

  11. peace in the midst, for we are always in the midst, aren't we. 


Comments from my readers bring sunshine to my day. They make me so happy.