Thursday, March 17, 2011

I've been being a *itch

It always comes back to the same Question.  Am I Being Happy in my life?  If I'm not, what is keeping me from it?  Well, I think I'll tell you.  It's my unforgiving spirit.  There, I've said it.  I've been doing the thing we all know will NOT work.  I'm holding an unforgiving spirit against three women, I feel, have hurt me deeply.  Here's the thing.  They don't care that I've been hurt.  They don't care that I'm mad about it.  And, they don't care that I wish they'd eat worms and die.  So, the only person being hurt in this whole situation is me.  I'm taking the poison.  I'm eating the worms.  I'm dying a little bit every day.  I hope writing this out helps me shed this psychological weight from my shoulders.  We will see.

But, see, I'm not done yet.  I want you to commiserate with me a bit.  I want to tell you when I posted on facebook about my mother-in-law passing many of my "friends" sent well wishes.  Some even sent actual sympathy cards to my home.  These women... these bible study women... these christian sisters... crickets.  Please don't comment on this.  Don't spin me up.  I'm venting, but I don't want confirmation.  I'm just letting a bit of steam or bile or WHATEVER UGLY thing I have in me... OUT.

I've got to stop hoping they are hurting.  I've got to stop wishing for something bad to happen to them.  It's wrong.  Very, very, very wrong.  It's been going on too long.  I wonder IF anything bad did happen to them, would I truly Be Happy?  I don't think so.  I think the Bible even says something about this.  I don't know what it says, but I'm sure it says to wish others well, not harm.  Btw, if you know verses about this, please share these.

Maybe this unforgiving spirit is why I'm so crabby when I get home from yoga?  May there is something to this body, mind, spirit connection?  Maybe I'm holding this bile in my hips?  Who knows?  I'm focusing of getting out of my comfort zone this week.  I think this grudge I'm holding has become my comfort zone.  I want OUT.  I need to forgive and move on.  I need to let this go.  I've held this WAY too long.

Thanks for allowing me this space.

Namaste.





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11 comments:

  1. Shelby and BevMarch 17, 2011 at 2:15 PM

    oh, oh i know this........an unforgiving spirit is nasty stuff. god can change your heart.
    forgiveness is for YOU. the forgive-er. because the ones who hurt you are going on with having a nice day.
    let it go. let it pass. let it leave.
    xo

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  2. CindyMarch 17, 2011 at 3:09 PM

    Thanks so much for sharing...there is a post in my heart close to this subject...I think hurts from our closest Christian sister/friends hurt so sharply because it is rather unexpected, or we expected better of them, and the "wrong" goes in more deeply because our hearts are more widely open, more transparent to them - at least as I carefully write this yet unposted musing, this is what I tell myself...

    And I bless you in your courage to post the raw honest truth...THAT God can deal with!

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  3. Emma KayMarch 17, 2011 at 5:58 PM

    I don't know the verse but what the Bible says about this is that hating your brother is as bad as murdering him. ie. No sin is greater than any other sin, and no sin is less than any other sin, they're all the same to God. So to hate someone, to God it's as bad as if you killed them.

    Not really sure I agree though. I'd much rather someone hate my child than kill them! But that's the Bible's stand on it anyway.

    It's hard to let go when they just don't care though. If they understood how much it hurt, or cared how much it hurt, then it's acknowledged and the feeling is validated. I have the very same issue. I just can't let go of past hurts when the person who did it just doesn't understand what they've done. I wish I could help you, but it's my biggest issue.

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  4. Kati patrianoceuMarch 17, 2011 at 6:09 PM

    Wow... that was honest! Just last night I was commenting to my housemates that they need not worry if something in my blog was bitter against them because if I were WERE to be feeling hateful against them, I wouldn't put it in the blog. So I admire your willingness to put it all out there. Is writing therapeutic for you? I hope so...

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  5. JoybirdMarch 17, 2011 at 8:23 PM

    Roman 12:17-21 is always good. Matthew 18:21-35 is pretty clear as well. I love your willingness to let it all hang out HappyGirl. And I agree with you. You are hurting more than anyone in this. Unforgiveness will eat you up and cut you off from God and other people. I speak from (dark) years of experience. And may I suggest that you may not know the whole story on their side. Are they on FB a lot (I'm not). Just putting it out there, like I would with any of my other friends. Oh, Happygirl, I wish you joy, deep abiding joy. Especially in this time of pain.

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  6. rjerdeeMarch 17, 2011 at 8:40 PM

    The forgiving part is for YOU, not them...for YOUR SAKE, not theirs...

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  7. happygirlMarch 17, 2011 at 11:29 PM

    @ Bev - thanks for the strong affirmation. I'm forgiving.
    @ Cindy - thank you so much for commenting. This is EXACTLY what I needed. I'm prepared to be hurt by unbelievers. I was caught blindsided.
    @ Emma Kay - Thanks so much for stopping by my blog. I'm so sorry you are feeling hurt, as well. From one who has been there, FORGIVE... it feels GREAT!!! I don't need validation. I needed to let it go.
    @ Kati - YES!! I can't tell you how therapeutic it has been for me to write this way. I've NEVER been good at journaling. This venue has given me the opportunity to see my thoughts in print and critique them. And, get feedback. I NEVER thought anyone would read what I was writing, let alone comment to me. I'm learning so much about myself and I'm applying what I learn to my life. I don't believe I written anything hurtful. I'm taking responsibility for my unforgiving spirit and turning it around. I can be that person. I can be the forgiver.
    @ Joybird - Thank you thank you thank you. I hoped you would be there for me with the Bible verses. Yes, forgive 70 times 70. I need to forgive others, because I've been forgiven so much. And revenge is not mine. Yeah, thank you so much.
    @ becky - Yes, I am FINALLY getting it.

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  8. NatalieMarch 18, 2011 at 9:22 AM

    I don't know what tools you have in your box of tricks to work through stuff, but I found the ones below immensely helpful when I had a HUGE mountain of unforgiveness to clear. Many would say I was justified, that what was done deserved to not be forgiven, but the only person hurting in my self-created prison of unforgiveness was me and I can tell you that they didn't change whether I suffered or I didn't, but I am very free now.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgWUJ4pZaiM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaCBi3dCvKk

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qh3LnQRZRvM

    You just need to do what he does and say what he says .. it's amazing the difference I felt using them! I am a total fan.

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  9. Mommy EmilyMarch 18, 2011 at 4:02 PM

    oh friend... i am proud of you, for letting go, this way... for seeking healing. i always remember Jesus, perfect and good and so, so kind, never throwing the stone at the woman (as amber writes about in her guest post today) and then, being crucified, in spite of not deserving it, and still, asking God to forgive his killers for "they know not what they do." when i feel angry, i whisper, "they know not what they do." love you.

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  10. AmberMarch 21, 2011 at 11:27 AM

    been there. done that girlfriend!

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  11. happygirlMarch 22, 2011 at 8:34 AM

    @ Natalie - I went there. I've gotta say ... a little "different," but I "tapped" into my forgiveness. Thanks
    @ Em - Jesus, yes, Yes, YES. I need to remember Jesus
    @ Amber - Thanks for being here for me

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