Today I am taking the first step on an odyssey, I'm afraid, will be no less perilous than that of Ulysses. I am beginning a "40 Days To Personal Evolution" program at the neighborhood yoga center. I'm scared. I'm not a real yoga person. I've taken at few yoga classes. I've taken a couple tai chi classes. I've taken two qi gong classes. *and, as a side note, I pronounced it wrong. it's pronounced chi gong. oh really.* I've seen all the yoga girls coming out of the yoga classes. They're all TINY. No chubby girls take yoga classes. Yoga pants aren't known for their camouflaging properties. Sure, they stretch like nobodies business, but they are, shall we say, clingy. Oh yeah, and I don't know if you remember this about me, I'm over 50. Not just over 50, but almost half-way over 50. Flexibility is NOT my middle name anymore.
So, you may wonder what exactly, I am afraid of. It can't be the fear that I may not do yoga as well as others accompanying me on this journey. Nope, that is a given. ANYONE can do yoga better than me. My dog can do yoga better than me. Could the fear be stepping out and trying a new thing? Well, we are getting closer. The unknown is a scary place. I don't know any of these people. I don't know any of the teachers This does give me a tiny bit of pause, but I don't think this is the biggest portion of my fear. Will I hurt myself? No, this isn't it. I know I won't hurt myself. Will I quit before the 40 days is completed? Ding ding ding. We have a winner!!! This is my biggest fear. I want to give this program my full participation. It is all on me to take the suggested classes during each week. It is all on me to do the homework and do the "at home practices" and do the meditations.
Meditations?!? What?? I don't meditate. This scares me to death. This has always been the portion of a yoga class I just don't understand. What is supposed to be happening in meditation. I don't know what goes on in your "mind's eye", but my mind has a grocery list, that closet in the back bedroom that needs sorting out, the three projects I have sitting on my desk in the office, the quality of the oil in my car, the state of the economy in Namibia, ANYTHING but what I think everyone else is meditating on. I start to get nervous. I say to myself, "Hey, stop thinking about frozen pizzas and which hot dog buns to buy this time. Your supposed to be meditating and freeing your mind. Ok, think about a beach. Really, a beach... NO, stop thinking about whether or not we should use the time-share this year or try to sell it on that travel website. You're supposed to be meditating. Ok, think about a mountain. Sigh, a mountain... Hey, did you remember to have the break fluid checked at the shop the last time? I wonder if I'm going to have to buy new tires? STOP thinking about that stuff...you're supposed to be meditating." DING. Meditation time is over. Now I'm a wreck. I've just added five more things to my to-do list.
I think we've narrowed down my fears to two. Number one, having another endeavor I have paid money for and didn't complete. Number two, meditation and focusing on my own thoughts. I guess when I look at these fear "on paper" they don't seem so scary. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? I guess I'll find out. Namaste.
So, you may wonder what exactly, I am afraid of. It can't be the fear that I may not do yoga as well as others accompanying me on this journey. Nope, that is a given. ANYONE can do yoga better than me. My dog can do yoga better than me. Could the fear be stepping out and trying a new thing? Well, we are getting closer. The unknown is a scary place. I don't know any of these people. I don't know any of the teachers This does give me a tiny bit of pause, but I don't think this is the biggest portion of my fear. Will I hurt myself? No, this isn't it. I know I won't hurt myself. Will I quit before the 40 days is completed? Ding ding ding. We have a winner!!! This is my biggest fear. I want to give this program my full participation. It is all on me to take the suggested classes during each week. It is all on me to do the homework and do the "at home practices" and do the meditations.
Meditations?!? What?? I don't meditate. This scares me to death. This has always been the portion of a yoga class I just don't understand. What is supposed to be happening in meditation. I don't know what goes on in your "mind's eye", but my mind has a grocery list, that closet in the back bedroom that needs sorting out, the three projects I have sitting on my desk in the office, the quality of the oil in my car, the state of the economy in Namibia, ANYTHING but what I think everyone else is meditating on. I start to get nervous. I say to myself, "Hey, stop thinking about frozen pizzas and which hot dog buns to buy this time. Your supposed to be meditating and freeing your mind. Ok, think about a beach. Really, a beach... NO, stop thinking about whether or not we should use the time-share this year or try to sell it on that travel website. You're supposed to be meditating. Ok, think about a mountain. Sigh, a mountain... Hey, did you remember to have the break fluid checked at the shop the last time? I wonder if I'm going to have to buy new tires? STOP thinking about that stuff...you're supposed to be meditating." DING. Meditation time is over. Now I'm a wreck. I've just added five more things to my to-do list.
I think we've narrowed down my fears to two. Number one, having another endeavor I have paid money for and didn't complete. Number two, meditation and focusing on my own thoughts. I guess when I look at these fear "on paper" they don't seem so scary. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? I guess I'll find out. Namaste.
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| image from jiggaroo.com |
nice. i so want to take yoga...meditation, just unpack that mind...smiles. my meditations usually are around peaceful nature scenes...you know what all those new scary people will be friends before you know it....
ReplyDeletefirst of all, kudos to you that you are at least ATTEMPTING to do this 40-day personal evolution. That's the first most important step. Now as far as completing it? Totally understandable cause I think many of us have been there but instead of looking at it as a 40-day challenge, just focus on one day each day, the day you are currently in and that you WILL do it. Just commit yourself to that one day, each day.
ReplyDeleteMeditation. Not easy. And your monkey mind is not alone. It takes practice that's all, just like everything else.
Good luck on your new journey and I look forward to reading about your progress...
You are going to do it! You will love yoga. I love yoga because itas not really working out, its like the stretch time to working out. Free your mind, I mediate on God and his ways.
ReplyDeleteWoohoo!! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I think you CAN do this. I think you WILL do this. After all, now you have a blog full of accountability. : )
ReplyDeleteI agree, take it one day at a time.
omg i did the P90X yoga and almost died!!! good luck i'm sure you can do it better than i did. :-)
ReplyDeleteYou go girl. You march in that yoga studio like you own the place. I'm proud of you!!!
ReplyDelete