Is there a bully for every victim? I don't think so.

I've been thinking about a woman with which I recently had "another" unfortunate encounter.  I've discovered she was reading my blog and, in her opinion, I hurt her feelings.  I didn't force her to read my blog.  I didn't even know she knew I blogged.  I've taken some time to look over my behavior in this encounter.  I was looking for my culpability.  I couldn't find any.  Seriously folks, this is a blog about Being Happy.  I don't rant.  My goal on this blog is to look at myself and discover how to turn negative situations into positives.  I focus on gratitude and how it changes my attitude.  And, every now and then, point out some absurdities in the world of social media and how it has changed our relationships with each other.  So, I looked at myself to see if I was being a "mean girl" and discovered, I was not.

On the other hand, I uncovered some information on why some women play the victim and perceive others as bullies.

Bullying has become a HUGE buzzword these days.  For every man, woman, or child out there in the world who is having social difficulties at school or work or on the internet, a bully is being created.  Are there really that many bullies out there?  Or, are there just a bunch of victims?  Here is what I'm getting at.

There are "professional victims" out there in the world.  Truth be told, these victims are, in reality, BULLIES.  How can we tell if someone is a professional victim?  (I'm going to use the female gender in this description, because, in my experience, I'm dealing with a woman.  I'm sure men can be professional victims, too.  But I'm not going to go there.  *wink* you know why)

1.  The victim never acknowledges when she hurts others.  She is the only injured party.  It is always someone else's fault.  Even though she posted the inflammatory fb status, it was the person making the negative or contrary comment that injured her.  Even though she is reading a blog of a person she doesn't either agree with or like, what they said made them a "hater" towards her.  She is the only one with feelings and everyone else is out to hurt her with their opinions.  Agree with her or else she will cry.

2.  The victim must be victimized.  She will poke and poke or harp and harp or blog and blog, whatever... until she gets a reaction from you.  She knows what the reaction will be.  She knows how sick of her crazy ideas you are.  She knows and she wants attention.  The type of attention she knows how to evoke best is negative attention, so she goes there.  You react to her prodding and, voila', she has been bullied.

3.  She blames others for her own shortcomings, failures, or the circumstance in which she finds herself.  She is not responsible for her own behavior.  She will blame her mother, her boss, her co-workers, the girls in her middle school class, the minister, her girlfriends, and, Lord help you if you are her husband.  If only her boss could see how talented she really is and didn't put so much focus on doing the paperwork correctly.  If only the co-workers didn't count on her to follow through with the committee agenda and could see how smart she is.  If only the minister who thinks the service is being run in a slipshod manner could see how talented an organizer she is.  If only, if only,... the list goes on and on.  It's never her action, it's those mean people out there.  Can't they see how good she is?  Maybe if she looked at herself in her mirror a little more closely, she'd see the truth.

It is not possible to have a positive relationship as equals with a professional victim.  She goes through life feeling slighted and angry, never taking responsibility for herself.  You won't be able to talk to her about this.  She will be defensive.  She will avoid a frank conversation.  She will cry, continually.  She will blame.  She will tell you it is your fault or someone else's fault.  And she will lie.  She is often a pathological liar.  Her identity is wrapped up in being a victim.  If she doesn't believe she is being victimized, then who is she?  My answer to the seemingly rhetorical question is this.  She's a person who treats other people like crap and is wasting her life.

This type of person should be avoided or kept at a healthy distance.

I'm Dutch

We bloggers have a little thing called a dashboard to show us who, when, how many, where you're from and how you got here.  I try to avoid looking at it, but sometimes it calls my name and I have to look.  So I did.  I noticed, recently, I've gotten quite a few hits from the Netherlands.  I LOVED this.  Why?  Because, I'm Dutch.  I'm all Dutch.  There is nothing but Dutch blood running through my veins.  So, I thought I'd talk a bit about being Dutch.  I have never been to the Netherlands.  My parents visited.  One of my brothers visited.  But not me.  I'd like to go, someday.

How will I talk about the Dutch?  Since I've never been there, I'm going to have to guess.  And use stereotypes.  So all you Dutch readers out there, feel free to correct me in any way.  I'm open to it.

The Dutch are cheap.  I've been told this all my life.  My father could make a penny cry.  I won't even tell you what they said about the nickel.  (US buffalo nickel, mind you)  I was always told the reason we were so thrifty was because we were Dutch, not because we didn't have a lot of money.  (we didn't)  I want to read Simon Schama's book The Embarrassment of Riches.  I want to understand the discrepancy between the era of the Dutch being the "bankers of the world" to the thrifty Calvinist I was raised to be.  I think it will be fascinating.  Also, you've all heard the term "going Dutch."  A well known term that means "I'm not paying for you" doesn't come without a background of truth.  :)

The Dutch are pious.  Another thing I've been told all my life.  I was raised a Calvinist.  This is a reformed theology stressing the human nature as total depravity.  There is no good in us.  The only thing saving us is the Grace of Jesus Christ.  And, we have been preordained to receive this Grace.  It is not of our own choosing.  This is what I was taught from my father's knee.  I still believe this.  Also, from history classes, I learned most pilgrims came to America from Holland.  The Dutch wanted to worship the way they wanted to worship without interference from any government.  They were willing to risk their lives to do this.  I don't know how true this is in modern Netherlands, but I'll get to that.

The Dutch are "house proud."  This is another thing I learned at my mother's knee AND from my grandmother.  I grew up cleaning the house.  A lot.  We swept the sidewalk out front.  We swept the street in front of our house.  We may be so cheap we won't buy anything new, but our stuff lasts a LONG time.  We clean it.  We take care of it.  We fix it.  Anyone looking at my house, growing up, would have seen a neat, orderly, clean house.  :)

The Dutch are hard workers.  My family had the strongest work ethic of any family I knew when I was growing up.  My dad taught me to be early for work. If I wasn't ten minutes early, I was late.  I think the fact that the Netherlands is land reclaimed from the sea with dikes and canals is proof of the hard-working nature inherent in the Dutch people.

Now for the part of being Dutch I really don't understand.  And, maybe this is why I'm an American and my ancestors moved away from Holland.  The Dutch are tolerant.  They've got the pot smoking in bars and the prostitution in the picture windows.  I just don't get this, but I've heard it is true.

I hope I go to the Netherlands one day.  I would like to see the beauty of the windmills and tulips and canals and wooden shoes and bicycles and row houses.  *sigh.  fingers crossed.  :)

Btw, I think the Dutch are smart, too.  Any country with a language using as many double vowels and assorted letters to make words must have smart people in it.  I mean, little kids learn how to write this language in kindergarten.  :)

I'd tell you my maiden name, but with the double a's and the double g's it wouldn't fit in the space allowed.

Fishing and waiting

I've been thinking about fishing lately.  I don't have much opportunity to fish.  I should correct this.  I live next to a storm water management pond that has fish in it, but I don't really think of going in my back yard as going fishing.  Maybe I should.  Anyway, I usually only go fishing when I visit my mom and dad in the summers in MN.  They live on a lake and my dad likes to fish.  I thought about fishing today because I called my mom and she said dad was out fishing.  She said he's been fishing every day, but he must be throwing them back, because he isn't bringing any fish in the house.

What does it take to be a good fisherman? 

I was thinking about this.  Every time my dad takes me fishing I catch fish.  When I go out on my own, I don't catch fish.  Why is this?  It's because my dad knows where the fish are.  It's not because he thinks like a fish.  It's because he knows where, on the lake, the fish like to swim.  He also knows what time of the day the fish like to go wherever they go.  He knows the lake.  It's fun to go fishing and catch fish.  One thing that makes a good fisherman is knowing where the fish like to hang out.

A good fisherman knows what kind of bait to use.  He knows what kind of fish he is fishing for, so he chooses his bait accordingly.  When we fish for crappy, my dad uses minnows.  Or a big umbrella-like lure thing that has a lot of hooks on it.  (I don't know much about fishing and he usually doesn't use that thing when I'm with him because he uses it when he's trying to catch a LOT of fish and fill his freezer and he doesn't need me getting in the way while he's doing this)  When he's fishing for bass he uses a popping lure to lure the fish to the surface.  When he's fishing for perch he uses worms.  So, the right bait is important.

Another thing that makes a good fisherman is patience.  My dad is a patient man, when it comes to fishing.  But really, who wouldn't be?  A nice day.  A pretty lake.  Quiet.  No phone. (unless he brings me with him and I bring my iPhone.  This makes him a little nuts so I try not to do it, but I love my phone)  Time away.  I could learn a lot about patience if I spent more time fishing with my dad.  Patience is important in fishing.  I saw a shirt that said "A bad day fishing is better than a good day at the office."  I think this was written by a person who enjoyed the time it takes to catch fish.  It's important to look at the waiting for the biting of the fish as a pleasant diversion.  Have patience.

I said I didn't know a lot about fishing.  Writing this post has reminded me of the joy of fishing.  I should do it more.  Maybe I should try that little pond behind my house.  I could take a little time and just be.  (but if I catch a fish my husband will have to take that slimy fish off the hook for me :))

What is church?

I went to church yesterday.  My husband asked me to go to church and I said I would.  I've been thinking about why going to church is so hard for me.  Why?  What in the world do I have against church?  Do I have anything against church?  Or is it me with the problem regarding church?

What is church?

This seems like a easy question.  The kind of question one might answer in an simple sentence or two. "A church is a building in which Christians meet for worship," is one. "A church is a group of Christians who gather for religious purposes" is another.  Not so fast...

Church used to fit this description for me when I was younger.  It even fit this description when my son was younger.  Not so much, now.

First of all, the "group of Christians" portion of the definition is becoming blurrier.  Christians are believers in Christ, right?  You would think this is pretty self-explanatory.  However, I'm finding most mainstream churches are becoming places trying to change that kind of belief.  Just believing in Christ and the Grace given to us through Christ's coming to us as a man and living a sinless life and dying on the cross for our sins and raising from the dead and ascending to heaven, is pretty limiting.  If this is the only way to God and this is the only thing Christians are allowed to believe, well, that's pretty intolerant of other beliefs.  And, intolerance is not very loving, right?  And Christians are all about love, so... we should be tolerant of all other beliefs.  REALLY?

I know not all churches believe this, but I'm out here in the mid-Atlantic coast.  I'm in one of the MOST liberal areas you can imagine.  No, the Bible belt does not pass through this area.

Almost every church I've attended, in my area, has a yoga class in it's list of weekly activities.  I've taken yoga.  I know I don't have to buy into the spirituality of it.  But why is it in the Christian church?  Why?  Why muddy the spirituality of a Christian church with yoga?  I'm guessing,... to be inclusive.  To be tolerant of other beliefs.

Yesterday the minister (pastor, reverend, whatever you want to call him) was preaching on original sin and why we have trouble in the world today.  He said last week's sermon was on creation, and "whatever you believe about creation..." and continued on with the sermon.  I guess I'm glad I wasn't there last week to hear that "whatever I want to believe" will be ok.  It just didn't sound right, "whatever I want to believe."  I've always been under the impression that the Word of God was infallible and if I believed what it said, I'd be on the right track.

What I am finding, in churches, is more like the above, than not.  Whatever I want to believe is ok with them.

Back to the definition of church, a group of Christians...  maybe not.

I know I've complained about church ladies in this blog before.  This is another thing making it hard to go to Church.  Church ladies.  I'm a little afraid of church ladies.  These are the ladies that teach the Bible studies and "pray for you" when I would really like a little "hands on" help.  These are the same ladies that remind me, "we don't do it that way" when I offer to help.  These are the same ladies encouraging me to be transparent and share my deepest faults and fears and then talk about me behind my back.  I'm afraid of church ladies.

I read a blog from another Church lay leader from a church I used to attend.  He wrote about forgiving people, but still being mad at them.  He thought this is something he should get over, but he just couldn't do it.  He wrote about a minister, he felt, stealing members of his "praise band" from him.  So here is this guy, sitting in this minister's church, hating on him.  He writes about listen to the music, and he says it's good,  it's good because this minister guy stole all the talent from his church.  Really?  Churches steal people?  I'm not feeling the love here.
 
So, I went to church yesterday.  The minister preached out of the Bible.  It was ok.  The church ladies sang in front of the people and it was ok.  They prayed for me (all of us sitting in the audience) and it was ok.  I know going to Church is not dangerous.  The Church is full of broken people, seeking God.  Right?  That's what they tell me, anyway.  Sometimes I find it a little hard to believe.

Work project

I've mentioned I'm a secretary.  I work in a department that builds buildings on campus.  Here's one of the projects we've been doing.

This is a video done by a student, Chris Paige, at the college I work at.   To save money (just a little) we moved this building to a new location instead of demolishing it.  It was sitting on a site to be used for a new building.  It's a cool video.  I can't believe there are people out there doing this for a job.  They must either be crazy or super brave.  Btw, not even a window cracked during this process.  Enjoy.

Margaret Brent Hall Moving at SMCM from Chris Paige on Vimeo.

And, if you want a bit of a history lesson to understand the riddle, here you are.  Who was Margaret Brent?