Only perception.
This is truth. Right now I find myself struggling in the quicksand of perception. I've written here of my son. My problem, I believe, is my perception of my son's capabilities. The last diagnosis he received, before he became an adult, was executive function disorder. As far as I can understand, this is a severe type of ADD. When he became an adult, he decided to quit taking any medication. I'm not sure he was ever on a med that truly helped him, but nonetheless, he quit taking all meds. Currently, I'm struggling with a couple issues.
First, will my son ever be able to live independently? I struggle with whether or not this is a problem. If my son had been born with down's syndrome or any other debilitating condition, my husband and I would have prepared to have our son with us until we died. If this were the case, my husband and I would be THRILLED with the level he currently functions at. But, because my son has the capacity to drive, to work, to learn, has a high school diploma, but has no initiative or follow-through, does this mean we should require less of him. It's such a struggle for me. There are times when I think, "just kick him out and let the chips fall where they may." And there are times when I think, "I can't do that to him. I have to help him." I don't know the right thing to do. I've been trying to teach him to save money, to budget, to plan ahead. It seems these concepts are out of his reach.
Secondly, my son is an adult. He needs to make his own medical decisions. I'm trying to encourage him to see a psychiatrist and re-evaluate his condition. Maybe there are meds that would help him. Currently he is covered under my health insurance, but this will only last for six more months. I don't know what to do. I'm struggling. I'd love to be able to take it under my control and "fix" him, but I can't.
It's all perception. What is the reality of my son's situation? How hard should I push? How much should I let go? How much should I help? These are the questions robbing me of sleep at night. This is my unanswered prayer to God.
This is truth. Right now I find myself struggling in the quicksand of perception. I've written here of my son. My problem, I believe, is my perception of my son's capabilities. The last diagnosis he received, before he became an adult, was executive function disorder. As far as I can understand, this is a severe type of ADD. When he became an adult, he decided to quit taking any medication. I'm not sure he was ever on a med that truly helped him, but nonetheless, he quit taking all meds. Currently, I'm struggling with a couple issues.
First, will my son ever be able to live independently? I struggle with whether or not this is a problem. If my son had been born with down's syndrome or any other debilitating condition, my husband and I would have prepared to have our son with us until we died. If this were the case, my husband and I would be THRILLED with the level he currently functions at. But, because my son has the capacity to drive, to work, to learn, has a high school diploma, but has no initiative or follow-through, does this mean we should require less of him. It's such a struggle for me. There are times when I think, "just kick him out and let the chips fall where they may." And there are times when I think, "I can't do that to him. I have to help him." I don't know the right thing to do. I've been trying to teach him to save money, to budget, to plan ahead. It seems these concepts are out of his reach.
Secondly, my son is an adult. He needs to make his own medical decisions. I'm trying to encourage him to see a psychiatrist and re-evaluate his condition. Maybe there are meds that would help him. Currently he is covered under my health insurance, but this will only last for six more months. I don't know what to do. I'm struggling. I'd love to be able to take it under my control and "fix" him, but I can't.
It's all perception. What is the reality of my son's situation? How hard should I push? How much should I let go? How much should I help? These are the questions robbing me of sleep at night. This is my unanswered prayer to God.
Help me Dr. Phil
you are the one that will have to draw the line...as he is living in your house, even though he is an adult, he operates within your boundaries...we can never fix any one but we can also not facilitate their own decisions...tough love...
ReplyDeleteI have forgotten - does he work now? This is certainly something to ponder - he has to live away from you at some point. Can't you just hear Dr. Phil's voice giving you advice? I watch his show sometimes. I think your prayers will show you the answers.
ReplyDeleteThat's a tough situation, I'm sorry. I'm no Dr. Phil but I will say that with your support he will be just fine. Make sure to keep a balance, never be forceful but don't let him stray too far from normalcy. See if you can get him interested in a career path that excites him. Above all, stay calm and breathe deeply when things seem like they're out of control.
ReplyDeleteI would probably require him to work and pay for his own food in addition to chipping in on the mortgage and utilities. He's an adult. If he feels incapable of working, he should see a doctor for help. Having said that: tough situation! It's important that you and the husband stay on the same page.
ReplyDeleteHe works 36 hours a week for Parks and Recs in the county we live. Doesn't make enough $$ to support himself. $8.50/hr.
ReplyDeleteI'm singing this same tune, sister, and I've endured many sleepless nights. There is no hard and fast rule about where to draw the line. How about you pray for mine, I pray for yours?
ReplyDeleteThat would be hard for me to figure out too. I'm sure that the answer will come to you. Love him, make sure that you show your love for him and then kick him out. Just kidding. No, really, I think that as long as we do things out of sincere love, everything turns out good. It's when we feel resentment when things get mixed up and we do things we don't really mean.
ReplyDeleteOh, my heart is breaking for you. If at all possible, get him in for that psychiatric evaluation. Having a clearer idea of what is going on and what can be done will help you draw boundaries that are appropriate and that you can be comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteDo what you are comfortable doing...you only want what is best for your son - so look within and you will find the answers. My thoughts go out to you
ReplyDeleteCheers
Lisa
Oh that is so hard.
ReplyDeleteI second and third what has already been said..only you can know what you need to do.
Which, I know, is not that helpful, but it is true.
People have been telling me that, and even though I feel like they look at my decisions as crazy, I have to believe that I am right. Mother's instinct is a real thing. Go with it.