When will it be normal?

Mess and disorganization are very upsetting to me.

I'm trying to figure out how to cope with the mess I am forced to live in, just now, and be happy.  I'm struggling.  I'm learning things about myself I don't like very much.  One thing I've learned is that right now and I mean RIGHT NOW, all I want to do is eat.  I want to get a sandwich and chips and eat.  It's not a meal time and I'm really not hungry, but the desire to stuff these helpless feelings down deep inside me with food is very strong.  I don't like it.  And, I don't want to eat.

Another unhealthy coping mechanism I'm using is anger.  I'm crabby and angry.  I know my house was not the most broken by Irene, by far.  I know there are many others in far worse shape than I am, but my feelings are real.  I find myself lashing out or using an unpleasant tone when I respond to others.  Especially people who are complaining about throwing out 5 lbs. of hamburger because their power was off for 2 or 3 days.  I want to tell them to Shut UP!  This is not a good thing.  I think about people I admire.  People with the ability to show grace under pressure.  People with the ability to smile in the face of personal problems.  How Do They Do IT?  I want to be like that.  I want to smile.  I just can't make my face do it right now.

And, of course, there is my good friend alcohol.  Oh friend, I don't want to spend so much time with you.  It certainly numbs me to these crummy feelings, but it doesn't make them go away.  When the soothing effects of alcohol wear off, my feelings are Right There.  Big as life.  No better than they were before I drank.  And, alcohol is fattening.  And, my self control and "noshing" go unchecked under its influence.  This is not good.

What I know, intellectually, is that my house is fixable.  It's going to take a long time to get the insurance adjuster out to my house, but in the end, my house is fixable.  I'm going to need to get my roof fixed.  Maybe I'll feel better when I have a better patch on the roof than a piece of plastic.  Maybe.  I know I will have to pay a hefty deductible to get everything that needs to be fixed, fixed.  I struggle with the amount of the deductible and the cost of the work that needs to be done.  Btw, we can all thank Katrina for the change in the insurance standards and the amount of the deductibles now being 2-3% of your property value.  I know I will need to re-insulate my attic.  I know I will have to have the drywall replaced in my son's room.  Btw, drywalling is super messy.  I know I will have to have the carpet replaced in my son's room and probably the hallway.  I hope I can get it to match the carpet that won't be replaced.  I will paint, clean, get new drapes, get new light fixtures, redecorate... get back to normal.  And this is just INSIDE THE HOUSE.  Let's chat about my yard.  The tree guys we hired to remove the tree from the roof, dropped the tree on my deck.  I really hate that deck, but... another mess.  I have 20 trees either on the ground or leaning.  These have to be cut and removed.  Sorry husband, there is NO WAY we need that much fire wood.  All the trees on the ground came out of the ground.  The root balls are GIGANTIC.  I don't need ten new water features in my yard and I can tell you, dirt is expensive.

These are all the things I know.  I'm a smart cookie.  But, I have feelings.  And I hate my feelings right now.

I know, intellectually, my feelings do not control me.  My feelings are not facts.  My feelings are not reality.  However, my feelings are very strong.  I'm having difficulty overcoming my feelings.  I don't want to use food or alcohol or hostility to people around me to make myself feel better.  But, right now, I'm at a loss.   I didn't feel this way yesterday, but today I do.

Let me tell you a little story I feel may be contributing to my poor attitude.  Monday I went to work.  There was really nothing for me to do at home.  The tree guy was coming to remove the tree from the house, and my husband agreed to take the day (morning) off to be home for that.  Really, guys like cranes and ropes and chainsaws and those things really do nothing for me.  So, I went to work.  I drove through our neighborhood.  It's not easy to drive through my neighborhood.  There are trees leaning, branches piled up on the shoulders of the road, branches sticking out into the road.  It makes it hard to concentrate on driving because your eyes are drawn to the devastation all around you.  But, I get out to the main road and away from my neighborhood and things begin to look normal.  I get to my office, and it looks normal.  Sure, there is some damage and some of the lights are out, but it's not too bad.  So I work.  I focus on what feels normal to me.  Work.  Then my hairdresser calls and asks me if I would like to come in for color.  (she canceled me me on Friday, before the storm, to do her own hurricane prep)  I agree to come in.  I need the color.  While driving to her salon I notice all the devastation on Rt. 5, north of the college I work at.  There are areas with power lines on the ground.  So many trees are down, I can even begin to count them.  There are SMECO trucks everywhere.  I get to my friend's salon and things seem normal.  We chat.  We tell storm stories.  It all feels so removed from me, like the hurricane is something that happened to someone else, as I sit in the chair and she colors my hair.  We finish and I pay.  I now know things are NOT really normal, because I didn't even think to make my next appointment.  Normally, I would.  (maybe this misstep is more telling than I first thought)  I drive home.  I enter my neighborhood.  And I am shocked by the look of it.  I was just there this morning.  Nothing has changed.  Why am I shocked?  And this was just the first time I struggled through these feelings.  It keeps happening to me.  Every time I look around my yard or my street or my neighborhood, I'm shocked at the devastation.  It doesn't feel normal to me.

So, I know what my desire is.  My desire is to get back to normal.  My normal.  But it's a long way from now to normal.  The trick is to learn how to make the transition in the most healthy way.  *Sigh*  Now this is off my chest.  I know it sounds like a big whine.  (yeah, pass the cheese)  I needed to do this.  I don't feel like eating anymore.  I think this is good.  Thanks for letting me share.  It feels good to talk about it.  I may need to do this again.  :)