Sarcasm is my superpower

I wish my superpower was invisibility.  Then I wouldn't have to worry about my weight or my wrinkles or my roots growing out.  And people wouldn't ask me questions or bother me while I was working.  I could be home and no one would ask me to do anything for them, because they couldn't see me reading my book or playing on the computer or listening to music.  I think those things are "doing something" in contrast to the thoughts of my husband and son.

I wish my superpower was super-speed.  Then I could get all the chores done around the house super-fast.  I could get the laundry done, folded, ironed and put away.  I could get the grocery shopping done so fast.  I could cook, serve and clean-up all the meals at the speed of light.  I could vacuum and dust and mop the floor with lightning speed.  I would have time to read my book or blog or work on ebay stuff.

I wish my superpower was flying.  Then I could go to the mall or to the city.  I could leave my little stripmall suburb and go to an art gallery or a museum and not have to stay in a hotel.  I could go to another part of the country for vacation without having to go through the TSA security and take my shoes off and buy new shampoo and lotion when I get to my destination.  I would be able to take my eyebrow tweezers with me.  I could visit my mom and dad and not feel I had to make it a 4-day weekend.

I wish my superpower was a soundproof forcefield.  Then I could go to the grocery store or big box store or the library or a restaurant or ANYWHERE without having to hear everyone's phone conversations.  I could be alone with my thoughts while I was in the dentist office waiting for my appointment instead of listening to Loudmouth Suzie on the phone with her girlfriend or Businessman Joey closing the deal.

I wish my superpower was super-strength.  Then I would feel powerful.  I would know I was stronger than those perky size 6's at the gym.  I would feel invincible at the office.  I would be able to open the pickle jar without asking my husband.  I wouldn't have to wait for someone to help me move the couch or table to vacuum or mop up the messes.

I wish my superpower was mind reading.  Then I would be able to understand what in the world makes people do and say the things they do and say.  I would know what in the world my husband is talking about.  I would know what my boss wants me to do.  I would know why my "friend" has blocked me on facebook.  I would know WHAT THE HECK my son is THINKING.

Unfortunately, my superpower is sarcasm.  And sometimes people don't get it.  Sometimes they think I'm being mean.  Come on people, get a sense of humor, for pete's sake.  No really, sarcasm is a lousy superpower.  I'm ready to find my kryptonite and and lose this power.  I think I want the superpower that allows me to say something kind at an appropriate time.  Or, if I can't do that, say nothing at all and smile politely.

Image from snarkerati.com