It seems like I've been in the advice giving mode lately. Which is truly funny, as I certainly need to take more good advice than pass any out. In honor of catching myself in the act of doing something I know I shouldn't be doing, I will give you one last advice post. It's pretty important. I mean, a zombie apocalypse could happen. Also, The Walking Dead are back on AMC. LOVE it. I'm a zombie fan. All time favorite, the first Dawn of the Dead. I love them all. If you are not a HUGE zombie fan, I recommend Shaun of the Dead or Zombieland. Both excellent beginner zombie films.
Back to the point of this post. I have a few tips to survive a zombie invasion.
1. Get a good pair of running shoes. Not all zombies are the slow walkers. In fact, lately, zombies have been getting faster. It wouldn't be a bad idea to start doing some cardio now. Zombies, especially the fast zombies, don't become out of breath while chasing you. They don't breath anymore. They are dead.
2. Get a bunch of guns. Seriously. You are going to need guns and bullets. Lots of them. It may not be a bad idea to start your marksmanship practice now, too. I mean, you've got to shoot them in the head. It's the only way to "kill" them. You can cut their heads off. That works too, but you have to get up close and personal to do that. Another way to "kill" them is to burn them up. So, while your getting some guns, get a couple flame throwers, too.
3. Get out of the cities and into the country. You have to have a lot of open space around you to see them coming. In cities, they can just pop out anywhere.
4. When you find a safe place to hunker down in the country or small town, find stuff to reinforce windows and doors. Find strong stuff, like 2"x 4"s and 1/2" plywood. Sticking a chair under the doorknob is just not going to cut it. Remember, the zombies do not get tired. They will pound and pound away. They don't mind breaking glass or getting cut. Remember, they are dead.
5. If, by chance, you meet up with other survivors and decide to join forces, do not turn on each other. Seriously people, you don't want to throw other survivors under the bus. One of your group is probably already the bossman and I can guarantee that the group you hook up with will have a bossman. Please, for the love of God, encourage these guys (or girls) to get along and not forget they are in a zombie apocalypse. This will only put everyone else in danger.
6. This goes without saying, but I'm going to have to say it anyway. Don't have sex. Just don't. Please save your energy for being a lookout or looking for food and water or finding more bullets and guns or finding more gas for your car or truck. Seriously, sex should be the last thing on your mind.
7. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, learn to be a good story teller. There will not be any electricity, so, no tv, no Netflix, you won't be able to charge your iPod. You are going to have to entertain each other in your downtime. Please learn to tell a good story. :)
8. Make a plan and agree on it. If you are going to survive, you're going to need a plan. When you've figured one out, using whatever democratic or autocratic method you use, stick to the plan. Don't go rogue when you break into your small groups. People are counting on you. For pete's sake, don't decide to check out the high end department store if you've been sent out to get food. You don't need that Louis Vuitton bag, just because you don't have to pay for things anymore.
9. If you get bit by a zombie, tell the other people you are with all about it. Don't hide your wound and think you will be the one that recovers from a zombie bite and doesn't turn into a zombie. You're going to turn into a zombie. It's a fact.
10. Don't be afraid to shoot your mother, father, sister, brother, husband, son, daughter, wife, minister, anybody you are related to or good friends with if they turn into a zombie. You're going to have to shoot them in the head, cut their head off or light them on fire. There are no close relationships with zombies. They will want to eat your brains and they will not remember who you are. That's just the way it goes in the zombie apocalypse.
Ok, that's all my advice giving for a while. I think I've covered all the important things in life in the last few days. Let's see, what you need to know to live a better life, how to succeed in life and now, how to survive the zombie apocalypse. I think we're good now.
Back to the point of this post. I have a few tips to survive a zombie invasion.
1. Get a good pair of running shoes. Not all zombies are the slow walkers. In fact, lately, zombies have been getting faster. It wouldn't be a bad idea to start doing some cardio now. Zombies, especially the fast zombies, don't become out of breath while chasing you. They don't breath anymore. They are dead.
2. Get a bunch of guns. Seriously. You are going to need guns and bullets. Lots of them. It may not be a bad idea to start your marksmanship practice now, too. I mean, you've got to shoot them in the head. It's the only way to "kill" them. You can cut their heads off. That works too, but you have to get up close and personal to do that. Another way to "kill" them is to burn them up. So, while your getting some guns, get a couple flame throwers, too.
3. Get out of the cities and into the country. You have to have a lot of open space around you to see them coming. In cities, they can just pop out anywhere.
4. When you find a safe place to hunker down in the country or small town, find stuff to reinforce windows and doors. Find strong stuff, like 2"x 4"s and 1/2" plywood. Sticking a chair under the doorknob is just not going to cut it. Remember, the zombies do not get tired. They will pound and pound away. They don't mind breaking glass or getting cut. Remember, they are dead.
5. If, by chance, you meet up with other survivors and decide to join forces, do not turn on each other. Seriously people, you don't want to throw other survivors under the bus. One of your group is probably already the bossman and I can guarantee that the group you hook up with will have a bossman. Please, for the love of God, encourage these guys (or girls) to get along and not forget they are in a zombie apocalypse. This will only put everyone else in danger.
6. This goes without saying, but I'm going to have to say it anyway. Don't have sex. Just don't. Please save your energy for being a lookout or looking for food and water or finding more bullets and guns or finding more gas for your car or truck. Seriously, sex should be the last thing on your mind.
7. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, learn to be a good story teller. There will not be any electricity, so, no tv, no Netflix, you won't be able to charge your iPod. You are going to have to entertain each other in your downtime. Please learn to tell a good story. :)
8. Make a plan and agree on it. If you are going to survive, you're going to need a plan. When you've figured one out, using whatever democratic or autocratic method you use, stick to the plan. Don't go rogue when you break into your small groups. People are counting on you. For pete's sake, don't decide to check out the high end department store if you've been sent out to get food. You don't need that Louis Vuitton bag, just because you don't have to pay for things anymore.
9. If you get bit by a zombie, tell the other people you are with all about it. Don't hide your wound and think you will be the one that recovers from a zombie bite and doesn't turn into a zombie. You're going to turn into a zombie. It's a fact.
10. Don't be afraid to shoot your mother, father, sister, brother, husband, son, daughter, wife, minister, anybody you are related to or good friends with if they turn into a zombie. You're going to have to shoot them in the head, cut their head off or light them on fire. There are no close relationships with zombies. They will want to eat your brains and they will not remember who you are. That's just the way it goes in the zombie apocalypse.
Ok, that's all my advice giving for a while. I think I've covered all the important things in life in the last few days. Let's see, what you need to know to live a better life, how to succeed in life and now, how to survive the zombie apocalypse. I think we're good now.
Jim Dear has just started watching the Walking Dead. Mostly, I try not to watch because I think it's gross. But I watch snippets here and there b/c the acting isn't bad, and neither is the storyline. I'm going to have to share this post w/ him. He thinks you're funny, anyway.
ReplyDeletehaha that last one makes me wonder if you are just looking for a reason to shoot someone...haha...just kidding...did you see the list the EPA put out on surviving a zombie attack?
ReplyDeleteWow! Thanks! I was looking for that information. Here in Portland there's a zombie walk every fall, and the downtown streets truly look like a zombie apocalypse. This year I'll be armed and ready.
ReplyDeleteJim got a good chuckle out of #9 and #10, especially. He has tips to add: don't plan on showering ever again. Zombies love to attack people in the shower. Besides, a good stench will help you blend in. Don't go into a basement, ever. Also, if you're walking around trying to find someone, don't go: "Hey! Are you here?" Be quiet.
ReplyDeleteOh I hope Zombies stay away from the condos! If they attack, maybe I'll get some warning if the loud people downstairs or the barking puppy upstairs go quiet. :)
ReplyDeleteWhew, now I feel prepared. I mean, not actually prepared, sadly I've yet to purchase any necessary plywood. But now I know what I need to get prepared!
ReplyDeleteHave you checked out the Walking Dead graphic novels? The show is positively tame compared to those!
ReplyDeleteDear Jim is absolutely correct. NEVER go in the basement, unless it's a walkout, but, really, that's not a good idea either. Showering, hmmm, maybe if you showered with your clothes on. :)
ReplyDeleteNope, not looking for a reason to shoot someone. *smirk* It's a zombie apocalypse!!
ReplyDeleteLynn, do not, I repeat, do not use the elevator in your building when the zombies come. Seriously, I don't think the condo is a good place to hunker down. Even with a barking puppy. :)
ReplyDeleteI took a peek on Amazon. I did not know what a graphic novel was. I thought it looked like a comic book. I was a HUGE American Splendor fan, but have not looked at comics since then. Thanks for the info.
ReplyDeleteThe Night of the Living Dead scared me to death when I was a kid. I don't think that I have thought the same about horror movies since then.
ReplyDeleteAwesome! I shared this with a friend. :)
ReplyDelete