It's my fault

Yeah, it's my fault.  I get it.

Sometimes God sends tiny little raindrops on your head to get your attention.  Sometimes the drops are bigger.  Sometimes He sends hailstones.  And sometimes they are BRICKS.

This is not a brick, but it is a golfball sized hailstone.  And this is the message I'm getting.  It's my fault.

The reason I can't print the Word documents you send to me, but I can print Word docs from EVERYBODY else in the office.  Yeah, it's my fault.

The reason I have a room booked in the campus center for a big meeting today, and I used your computer booking system, and I booked this room three weeks ago, and I saw all the emails saying food service was closed, but I didn't need food, and today I find out the building is closed and nobody is allowed to use it and I have to scramble to find another venue for my meeting.  Yeah, it's my fault.

The reason for family fighting, I get it.  I am not a member of the family and the sound of my voice on the phone and the configuration of my words in an email requesting information from you was galling.  I get that, even though, I've been married to your brother for 29 years and I've met all the members of your family more times than I can count, I was intruding in a private affair and my help was neither needed or wanted.  Yeah, it's my fault.

I think of the verse in The Bible, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3.  I'm examining my motives.  Yeah, I have culpability here.  I could have sent in the work request for the printing issue.  I could have connected the dots and guessed that when there is not food service the ENTIRE building will be closed.  I could have mentioned to my husband, in a nicer way, that his sister was beginning to fray at the edges and we should back off.  (I saw the signs and I told my husband she was a mean girl instead of pitying her and acknowledging her grief).  Yeah, I have a plank in my eye.

Step 4 of Alcoholics Anonymous:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  I've been focused on this step from AA and I see my moral failure.  I see my need to assign blame.  I need it to be someone's fault.  And, when I am accused, I defend.  Especially when I believe I am NOT at fault.  I don't know why this is in my character, but it is.  I will work on this.  I need to learn to be ok with things "just happening."  No fault assigned.  It just IS.  And, I need to learn to move forward and not waste time looking backwards to assign blame.  There is another verse in The Bible, "Brothers and sister, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead," Philippians 3:13.

Ok, enough soul searching and self-examination.  Let's enjoy the weekend.

Ryan Gosling