Being Happy

My husband doesn't have to go to work, EVER!!

2012-02-27T13:11:00.003-05:00

I told you my husband quit his job. And, in December I pondered what it was going to be like when my husband no longer worked outside the home, at this post.

Here I am. Today is the first day of my husband's status as a retiree. My husband doesn't have to go to work, EVER! He is free to do whatever he wants to do, all day long. If he wants to sleep until noon, he can. If he wants to eat bon bons on the couch and watch tv all day, he can. If he wants to be on facebook all day, he can. My husband is retired from working hard for the last 30 years and he can do whatever he wants to do.

When I've told anyone my husband is retiring, the first thing the ask is, "what's he going to do?" Seriously, this is a stupid question. Ask yourself, what would you do if you didn't have to go to work anymore. Can you answer this question? I'll bet you can't. I fully expect my husband to live for another 30 years or more. I don't expect him to know what he's going to do with all that time. I usually answer this question with, "I don't know, but I do know he's not getting another job." I guess most people think you are defined by your job. In my husband's case, this is not a complete picture. He is MUCH more than a government contractor. Much more.

It's lunch time on the first day of my husband's retirement and I'm at work. Btw, I may not be at work all day. I'm feeling pretty lousy with a crummy cold and I think I may be running a temperature, but that's not important. I didn't think anyone at my job would believe me if I called in sick on my husband's first day of retirement. Anyway, ... so far, on my husband's first day of retirement, I can tell you some of the things he has done. First of all, he got up and dressed at the same time I did. So, no sleeping in until noon. Secondly, he has texted me WAY to much. All the items sitting on my desk have been jostled around by the incessant vibrating of my iPhone. One the plus side, this has knocked all the dust off anything on my desk that had dust on it. I thought I would scare him away from texting me by asking him to do a household chore, vacuuming. This didn't work. On the plus side, he vacuumed. LOVE this. I'm not going to ask him to cook. (for some reason, EVERYBODY asks if he's going to have dinner ready for me when I get home from work) My husband has no interest in cooking. I am completely good with this. I don't mind cooking and when I do mind, he doesn't mind taking me out or ordering in. Tonight I'm making soup for dinner. I'm sick, I need soup. I'm going to make Italian Wedding Soup.

So far today my husband has made money for our family by trading APPL options and made progress on his dissertation paper. I call this a full day. When you can make your old salary in the first few hours of the morning and still make progress on your PhD dissertation, I call this a very good first day of retirement. I don't know what the rest of the day is going to bring, but I'm open to whatever he comes up with doing.

In fact, I'm open to whatever the future holds for our family. Maybe we will move to La Jolla, CA. Maybe we will move to Daytona Beach, FL. Maybe we will move to Prescott, AZ. Maybe we will buy an RV and travel around the country like the school bus family. It's my first day in the new chapter of our life. I'm excited to see what will happen next.

Gratitudes:
13. Etrade account
14. Cold medicine
15. Tylenole
16. Chicken soup in cans for lunch
17. Kleenex
18. Warm cardigans
19. Paid sick leave
20. Hot tea

Writing for Steny in 55

2012-02-24T13:31:00.000-05:00

Write with the voice of authority,

Like a man used to getting his own way.

No second guessing.

No offers implied.

Double talk saying nothing.

Sitting before the blank screen.

Seeking to find commanding prose.

Relaying displeasure without saying so.

Conveying assistance with no promises.

Write like a politician?

I was taught not to lie.

I was instructed to compose a letter to be signed by our democratic whip, Steny Hoyer. Yikes...

Telling a story in 55 words. Go see g-man.

Entitlement for you, entitlement for you and entitlement for you!

2012-02-23T14:54:00.004-05:00

This kinda sounds like Oprah sounded when she gave away the cars. Doesn't it? Entitlements for EVERYBODY. Well, not everybody, but almost. Today in the United States of America 52% of households are receiving some form of entitlement. This is more than at ANY other time in US history. We are becoming a nation of people with our hands out. More than 45% of US households will not pay federal income tax this year. What is happening to our nation? Why do people want a hand out? Why do people think they DESERVE a handout? I remember when a president of this nation gave an inaugural address which included these famous words, " And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." I remember watching people whining about the government in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Where was their government entitlement? How was the government going to help them? When were they going to get their MONEY? (btw, the money they were going to get wasn't theirs, it was yours.)

I think the government has proven it is lousy at helping people out. The government doesn't have the first idea how to improve people's lives. The government doesn't have the first idea how to raise a child. The government doesn't have the first idea how to support a family. However, the government does know the first thing about getting between churches and the needy. The ACLU doesn't sit well with spirit based institutions giving aid and the government is scared silly of the ACLU.

Last night I went to church for Ash Wednesday. The sermon was titled, "What's in it for me?" The minister spoke about this time of Lent being a time of preparation for Easter. Not preparation Easter dinner or Easter visitors or a new Easter dress, but a time for preparation to focus on the benefits we receive because of the sacrifices made for us. He spoke about entitlements and the changing face of our nation to those begging, "where's mine." He said our nation is sounding more and more like a toddler. See if any of these toddler rules of possession sound familiar.

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

I think I've heard sound bites on the news by adults saying these words, almost verbatim.

There is a family living in a house I own. And by living, I mean existing. I just paid the water bill for them because the water has been shut off for three months. Seriously, no water. The house stinks because they still use the toilets, but there is no water. The biggest earner in the family, and by family I mean baby, baby daddy, uncle of baby and grandma of baby, is the baby. The baby is getting all the entitlements to allow this group of people to pay the rent, fuel oil and electric. Too bad the baby couldn't earn a little more and pay the water bill. Bad baby. This collection of sorry adults do not have a job between them. What is this world coming to when two able bodied men won't work and choose to live off a baby. It is unbelievable to me.

So, what's in it for me? I'm continuing to focus on the sacrifice of my savior this Lenten season. I pray our nation will get a clue. All they have to do is turn on the tv and see what is happening in Greece. I know my post sounds like a frustrated rant today, and it is. I'm so tired of reading tweets of people complaining about having no money, then running out to get a tattoo with their income tax refund check. They act as if they just received "found money." Are they so dense they do not realize they just gave the government an interest free loan with THEIR money? I guess they are. Oh well, enjoy that purple butterfly tattoo. You'll have it forever.

Gratitudes:
9. my job
10. my house, all fixed after Hurricane Irene
11. a minister not afraid to speak the truth. (even if there were democrats in the room)
12. a beautiful sunny warm day in February

Lent is here

2012-02-22T12:34:00.001-05:00

The season of Lent has arrived. In the christian faith, this is the time of preparation for the sacrifice of Jesus for our sins. It is a time of giving up a luxury to feel the sting of sacrifice as a tiny nod to feeling the sacrifice that was made for me. I suck at Lent. I was raised dutch reformed and Lent was not a big deal in this particular church. It was nothing like the way Lent was acknowledged in the Catholic church. We ate meat at every meal. We didn't fast on Ash Wednesday. Business as usual.

Last year I made an attempt at participating in an experiment at doing yoga for 40 days. Epic fail. However, I did discover I'm not a big fan of yoga. I'll do some sun salutations now and then, but every day for 40 days. No way. Uh uh. You may remember I wrote about celebrating Advent this past Christmastime. Another epic fail. Yeah, I didn't even tell you. I just kinda blew it off. Sure, I was psyched about it for about two weeks, but then it fell off the radar. Here we are, it's Lent again. I remember my old friend, Joybird, did a Lenten project she called Late to Lent. She chose to blog her Lenten experience for each day of the season. I was impressed by her work and her diligence to stick to the project. Then I heard of another person who chose to grow her hair for Lent. Seriously? I'm trying to imagine how this helped her relate to the sacrifice of Christ. I guess it takes all kinds to make a world.

My plan for this Lenten season is to spend an hour with God each day of this season. Yeah, I get I'm supposed to be doing this anyway, but I don't. I'm hoping to spend this time with him while walking in his creation and reading his word. I intend to attend church on every Sunday of Lent. Yeah, I get I'm supposed to be doing this anyway, but I don't. I'm going to sit in church and think positive thoughts and, hopefully, start praying for each person I see in the sanctuary. I'm even going to pray for the guy I notice falls asleep EVERY time I see him in church. No judging, just praying. I guess I'm giving up my chilling time on the couch and, most likely, a glass of wine or two. 'Cause that's what I do while chilling on the couch. I consider these luxuries. I think I'm really going to look forward to Easter this year.

So now I've written my intentions on the world wide web. I know some of you readers know where I live. I know some of you have my phone number. Please feel free to hold me accountable. I'm seeking to grow. Who knows, I may even start enjoying church again. Fingers crossed.

I almost forgot. I'm going to restart my gratitudes on my blog posts. Evidently my Gratitude List page had a finite amount of lines and the earlier gratitudes dropped off the page. Stuff happens, but I'm still grateful.

I'm grateful for
1. my savior
2. my faith that Jesus is risen from the dead and will come again to Earth
3. a small group of believers encouraging me every Monday night
4. the word of God, readily available in ANY form of media you can think of
5. my healthy body
6. my clear mind
7. the opportunity to share my faith with anyone reading my words
8. a God of second chances

Conscience development

2012-02-21T14:46:00.000-05:00

I have been involved in a study regarding ethics and the role ethics, or lack of ethics, had in the 2008 financial crisis. The study is called Doing the Right Thing, by Chuck Colson and Robert George. Last night one of the topics for discussion was our conscience. One of the participants in my group asked the question, "What is a conscience?" I gave a quick, maybe flip, answer that a conscience was like a barometer of right and wrong in our bodies. A conscience is the part of us that allows us to feel whether a decision we are making is a morally right decision or a morally wrong decision. Webster's first definition of conscience is the sense of the moral goodness or blameworthiness of one's own conduct, intentions, or character together with a feeling of obligation to do right or be good. I was close.

One of the things discussed last night was the endless ability of the human mind to rationalize and in so doing, we weaken our conscience to the point of uselessness. We all know this is true. One of my favorite lines from a movie is from the movie, The Big Chill. The character Michael, played by Jeff Goldblum says, "I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex." Then the character Sam, played by Tom Berenger says, "Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex." To which Michael replies, "Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?" This movie was made in 1983. I'll bet today, most of us can't go two days without a good rationalization. Most of us can remember watching our president rationalize away his bad behavior by asking his prosecutor to define the word "is." There is just something about the president of the United States rationalizing away bad behavior that gives permission to everyone else to rationalize away their own bad behavior. It doesn't take too many repeated rationalizations to erode away the conscience developed at your mother's knee. Before you know it all things right or wrong become a matter of relevance.

What can be done to develop a conscience? I googled this question. Not surprisingly, the first four pages of my google search had to do with child rearing. This tells me two things. First, a conscience is developed after birth. We are not born with a conscience. We learn what is right and wrong at our mother's knee. We begin the development of a conscience by learning to please our mothers. Secondly, there doesn't seem to be much interest in developing a conscience later in life. If you've erased your conscience with all the rationalizing of your poor choices and bad behavior, you seem to be stuck with a crippled conscience. This may be the reason our nation finds itself in the financial mess it is in today. There were a lot of people doing whatever they wanted to do with other people's money with no regard of what was the right or wrong thing to do.

Last night we discussed ways to develop a crippled conscience. We talked about how to reinforce right thinking back into our lives. We looked at institutions that are based on developing moral codes. Institutions like the U. S. Marine Corps. Like the Boy Scouts of America. Like any 12 step program following the principles of Bill W. First we need to be broken down. We need to come to the end of ourselves. The Marine drill sergeants are great at doing this. Then we need to remind ourselves of what the right things are. Kind of like memorizing the boy scout oath and law. We then need to accept the reality we cannot accomplish this conversion on our own. We need a higher power. Lastly, we must have accountability from others, in our similar circumstances, to keep us on the straight and narrow. The reality of our condition is that we KNOW what the right thing to do is. Yet, we find ourselves having a difficult time DOING what we know to be right. There is nothing like peer pressure. We just have to use peer pressure in a positive way.

Here's one more thing. You know the saying, "Let your conscience be your guide," well, maybe not. Not just yet.

Being happy is super important

2012-02-20T14:08:00.001-05:00

Is it important to be happy?

I've heard some people say they don't think it is important to be happy. I've heard people say it isn't worth the effort to try to be happy. I beg to differ.

Yahoo answers most popular answer says:

Happiness is the greatest sensation we can feel. Man has always striven to feel happy and almost everything we do now as a society is so that we can feel happy as individuals. Being in a sate of happiness puts less stress on our bodies and can even bring us better health. Generally, happy people live healthier and even live longer. The need to feel happy is what keeps our world in check and out of a state of total chaos and mass destruction.

I think it is pretty important to be happy. I certainly think it's worth striving to be happy. I absolutely believe happiness is within our grasp. And being happy is certainly better than being unhappy.

Some misconceptions about the pursuit of happiness are that other people can make you happy. Or, money can make you happy. Or, things can make you happy. I don't believe anything or any person can make you happy. As far as distinguishing happiness from joy? Well, I think this is an exercise in semantics. I don't think a person who considers themselves unhappy would say they are joyful. I think happiness is a decision I make every day. I find happiness in my life every day, because, every day, I find purpose in my life. I think a life devoid of purpose can be a very unhappy existence. Maybe this is why some cannot find happiness and therefore, minimize its value.

In Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl speaks of focusing on what is possible. He says to focus on the great things you can do and don't think about the things that are making you unhappy. Don't focus on the haunting dark thoughts, but focus on the dozen great things that are possible for you. These great things will be your creations. These creations will only be possible if you create them. You create the great things in your life. This is one of the ways man can produce meaning in his life. Frankl says, when the emotions work in terms of values, the individual can feel pure joy. Man needs to have meaning in his life to feel the happiness we all desire. Frankl's experience while imprisoned during the Holocaust taught him it was the striving and struggling towards a goal worthy of him that gave him the sense of well being that a tensionless life could not.

Being happy is good for us, physically. We feel better when we are happy. Laughing is good for the body, as well as the soul. Studies have shown that happy people are less likely to catch a cold when exposed to a cold virus. Happy people are also less likely to catch the influenza virus. Amazing.

Happy people make the world a better place. Happy people are less likely to be criminals. Even happy people with weak characters or poor values are less likely to harm other individuals or engage in anti-social behavior. If more people chose to pursuit happiness, the world would be a better place. I think our founding fathers understood this concept. They put it in the Declaration of Independence as an unalienable right endowed on us by our creator.

I think the Yahoo answer guy got it right. Being happy is super important. It's worth the effort.

My office space in 55 words

2012-02-17T11:25:00.000-05:00

Killing time in a cubicle

Listening to my neighbor’s sighs and yawns

Phones ring, facebook dings, email pops up

Urgency, then done

Boring

Killing time in a cubicle

Overhear my neighbor’s call

Movie dates, which one to see, laughing way too loud for me

She tells me all about it

Where's my scarlet swingline stapler

Telling a story in 55 words. Go see g-man.

The Hunger Games

2012-02-16T13:47:00.004-05:00

I've written before, I believe blogging to be a very self-indulging activity. I've written before, I think blogging to be a great way to learn about yourself. Today I'm writing with the goal of learning about something new to me from my readers and, hopefully, sharing some information with my readers that may be new to them.

I'm interested in an opportunity to make some money and I think the opportunity may be in the franchise of The Hunger Games by Lionsgate Entertainment Corporate (LGF). I know this isn't my typical blog post, but this IS stuff that interests me. I just haven't shared much of this with you. Here's my problem. I never heard of The Hunger Games trilogy. This is something that makes me skeptical. However, I realize I am a woman in my 50's and I may not be the target audience for this franchise. So, I'm bringing this to you wonderful (and much younger) readers. I'd like you to comment on this post regarding your opinion on The Hunger Games book trilogy and your interest in seeing the upcoming movie (release date March 23, 2012).

I will tell you that Lionsgate Entertainment Corporate (LGF) is currently trading on the Nasdaq at $12.12. Analysts believe that this fairly small independent film studio could make significant profits off this franchise. This studio is responsible for 2005's oscar best picture winning film, Crash, oscar nominated, Juno, and the tv show Mad Men, among others. Feel free to google them.

I would appreciate your participation in my research and I encourage you to get involved in learning how to make your money work for you. Enjoy the trailer.

What the ...?

2012-02-15T14:00:00.001-05:00

Can you call yourself a Christian if you cuss?

I have been known to use some pretty colorful language to communicate my feelings. I cuss. Btw, I married a sailor, doncha know. It's funny, I didn't cuss nearly as much while my husband was active duty navy as I do now. I think this may be because our son was young and I didn't enjoy hearing my four year old using the "f" word. Now he is 24 and he uses the WHOLE alphabet. Thankfully, he has enough respect for his dad and me to keep from using it in front of us, ...mostly. I, on the other hand, am not so good at keeping from using the foul language in front of him.

I just read a status update on the page of a favorite blogger of mine, Jamie the Very Worst Missionary. She is a christian missionary and she cusses. I think JTVWM is the real deal. I see the love of Jesus shining through her blog posts. But, yeah, she cusses. The status on her fb page went something like this.

JTVWM is very clever. She has a clever mind and a quick wit. I like this about her. I have a tendency to have a quick retort, as well. And, I cuss.

Of course cussing isn't the worst of the sins one can commit. (as if God rated the sins on a graduated scale) But how we speak does give an indication of what kind of person we are. I know my mom and dad hate to hear cussing. So, when I visit my mom and dad, I don't cuss. See, I can clean up the language when I want to do it. I have wondered if people exclaiming "Oh My Goodness" as opposed to "Oh My God" were doing a better job of being a Christian than I am. Believe me, these phrases are just the tip of the iceberg of my inappropriate language. And, come to think of it, is cussing really a sin? The bible tells us not to use God's name in vain, but it doesn't say anything about the "f" word or any of the other lettered words.

For the most part, I think the use of the bad language is me just being lazy. I know if I put a bit of effort into my day to day convos I could avoid the cussing. I know, because I can do it when I want to do it. Another thing I've found to be true, for me, is I cuss more when I'm around people who are cussing. It's contagious. Another thing about cussing, I think, is it makes me look kind of dumb. I'm sure I can think of better words to use to emphasize my feelings than the cuss words. I mean, I'm trying to think of myself as a writer and writers are users of words. They use lots of words. On the positive side, does my cussing allow me to "fit in" situations that I may not fit into if I didn't cuss? I wonder.

One part of the bible always comes to my mind when I ponder my language and the use of appropriate words. The verses are Isaiah 6:6 & 7; Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."

I know this doesn't say anything specifically about bad language, but if sin begins with what we think, then grows with what we say, and then blooms in our actions, it seems like cleaning up the language would be a good place to "nip this in the bud." (to continue the metaphor) I think the imagery of angels picking up hot coals with tongs and touching these coals to the lips of the prophet represent purification of the prophet's words as well as his sin. The prophet MUST speak the truth to the people. His words must be pure.

Back to my cussing issue. I think, in my case, I'm going to need to begin with just saying nothing at all, instead of cussing. People may begin to think I've developed a stutter while working on this "stop cussing" project. Maybe the look on their faces as they watch me try to speak will help me with my smiling project, too.

The greatest of these is love

2012-02-14T14:43:00.000-05:00

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

These were the words the minister spoke at my wedding almost 30 years ago. I was 25 years old. I didn't know anything about love. I thought love was about how I felt. I thought I showed love by what I did for those I loved. I thought kisses showed love. I thought hugs showed love. I didn't really know anything about love. I still find I fall into the trap of doing love instead of being love. Love is the greatest, but love is the trickiest.

Advertising messes up our ideas about love. Hollywood distorts what love is supposed to look like. Everything out there makes it look like love is a destination. The world makes it look like love is something we can get to or attain. We forget, love is something we already have within ourselves. And we really forget that the more love we give away, the more love we have to give.

I remember being in college and thinking about love. I took many philosophy classes in college. Philosophy classes can have the side-effect of causing one to think too much. I always struggled with the idea of love. I was afraid I was a person incapable of loving someone. I would imagine my life without my parents or my brothers or my boyfriend and I would feel, ...nothing. I didn't feel fear or dread or loss or anything. Of course, this was an academic exercise, as all these people were alive and well and in my life. But, I thought I should be able to feel something. something. This fear, of not being capable of love, had haunted me for much of my life.

I know I am capable of loving and being loved. I know, clearly, I'm not the type of person that dwells heavily in feelings. I'm the kind of person who dwells in the concrete and the "here and now." You can be pretty sure the person writing the sentiments inside the hallmark cards is not an ISTJ, like me. I believe my duty and commitment to the people I love are evidence of my love.

When I read the 1 Corinthians 13 verses I find more comfort in them than I did on my wedding day. Today I am more accepting of the personality God gave me. When I read these words about love I see myself in them. I see the way I demonstrate love in them. When I give my word, I mean it. I am not the clanging gong. When I take on an obligation, I do what it takes to fulfill my duty. I will be constant in my commitment. When I was young, the words in these verses seemed impossible, out of reach. Now I know these words describe the only motivation that gives worth to anything we do on this Earth. If we act out of any motivation but love, there is no value.

I must have faith in God and in my salvation, I must have hope all is in God's hands and he will bring me home to him, and I must have love for God and my fellow humans walking this dull sod. This is the greatest of the three. I must love.

More about Tamoxifen

2012-02-13T16:06:00.001-05:00

I just put a request for a refill of my Tamoxifen prescription into the pharmacy. Doing this reminded me I haven't posted about my Tamoxifen journey in a while. I guess I haven't posted because not much has changed. I'm into my second year of the five-year Tamoxifen adventure. I've become bored with the scenery. I still have the regular hot flashes. I'm sort of getting used to them. I don't like them, but they are expected and they do not disappoint. I wish hot flashes burned calories, but I don't think they do. I feel like I've put a bit of weight on, of late. Bummer. I need to turn this around immediately or my "big girl" pants won't keep looking so good on me. :)

So, hot flashes and night sweats continue. My annual breast exam and mammogram were uneventful, and that's just the way I like them. Normal. Normal. Normal.

I'm sleeping a lot better. This is good news. I think I'm sleeping well because this winter hasn't been too cold. It doesn't feel like ice is forming on my sheets if the air happens to hit them. I've learned I have to use a LOT of body lotion, since I'm becoming a raisin, now. If any younger women happen to be reading this post, this is scary stuff. I'm gonna tell you. It is horrific to find the wrinkles on your face. When I brush my teeth in the morning and see my mom in the mirror, it scares me EVERY time. I have to admit, I've kinda been expecting the lines on my face. If I have to sell a few shares of AAPL to get something done about them, I will. I'm not too proud and I am a bit vain. The wrinkles that really scare me are the ones I find on my forearms and calves. WHAT THE HECK? I didn't expect to see those. Scary, crepe-paper skinned forearms and calves make me cringe. I look down at my arms and I see my grandma's arms. It freaks me out.

This aging thing is not for sissies.

I'm not feeling depressed. This is good. I remember this was something my doctor worried about for me. I went to a therapist for about six months and felt this wasn't something that was a benefit to me. Sure, I have my moments of being anxious about my husband's retirement and our future. And, yes, I have my moments of being anxious about my son's future and ability to support himself. I think these are normal fears. They do not keep me living my life to the fullest. I have the occasional nightmare about them, but that's the worst of it. I no longer take benadryl to help me sleep. I was told it was contraindicated for people on Tamoxifen. I do still have a couple cocktails every night. I've found if I only have one or two I sleep much better than if I've had three or four. Another good reason to be moderate in my drinking. Also, the less I eat in the evening, the better I sleep. Another good reason not to overeat. Everything is good in moderation.

I'm sure exercise would be very helpful. I plan to start going to the gym at work beginning on Ash Wednesday. No 40 days of yoga for me this year, but I'll get back on the treadmill. (I just took a peek back to my post a year ago. I'm still wearing the pants I bought then. I don't need a new size, but I think an updated pair is in order.)

I'm wondering how I will react to having my husband home when I get home from work? I'm wondering how I'll react to less money? I'm wondering how I'll react when I'm getting ready for work and my husband is still in bed? I'm wondering so many things about this new phase of my life. I am entering this new phase with my old frenemy, Tamoxifen.

Let the adventure continue. :)

Cell with estrogen receptors blocked by tamoxifen and helper proteins.

A - estrogen receptor

B - tamoxifen

C - estrogen helper proteins

D - tamoxifen helper proteins

E - cell nucleus

F - DNA (genetic material) inside cell nucleus

These pants make my butt look good

2012-02-11T12:56:00.002-05:00

Let me tell you why I blog. I have learned so much about myself this week. I know, 20 years ago, Oprah told everyone to journal. I know she said it changed her life. I'm sure it did. But, I'll bet it doesn't hold a candle to how blogging her journal would have changed her life. This week I opened up my coat to the blogosphere and, metaphorically, checked out my butt in the mirror to decided if these pants made my butt look bad.

This week I examined myself and some of my motivations in life. The most challenging thing I revealed was my negative self-talk. I have to tell you, I appreciated the commiseration from my readers. Sometimes it's good to know you aren't the only one doing something a little nutty, in private. It also made me want to start a support group for us. We can get together once or twice a week and remind each other how GREAT we are. We can tell each other our successes for the week and compliment each other. There are plenty of naysayers out there in the world and they are more than happy to knock us down a peg or two. I think a support group would be so much FUN. We could tell each other how great our butts look in our pants. :)

This week I examined my competitive attitude. I'm going to tell you, I thought everyone likes to win. It was a little surprising to me that this may not be accurate. This was eye opening. I don't believe in winning at any cost. I would never advocate cheating to win. I was just commenting on my attitude of having the desire to win when I am in any competitive situation. For example, I ran for a position on the board of directors of the HOA in my neighborhood this month. I'd held a position on this board for the last four years. During the last year of my term I had had a couple issues come up and I had to make some decisions that were going to please one neighbor and not please the other. Sure, I had covenants and by-laws on my side, but there you have it. I made a few neighbors unhappy. Unhappy people don't keep their opinions to themselves. I had a feeling I wasn't going to be re-elected, but I ran anyway. I still had a few things I wanted to accomplish on the board. In the end, I lost re-election by one vote. Of course I was disappointed. I wanted to win. I'm not disappointed I don't have to serve on the board. It's a lot of work and there is no way to make everyone happy. My friend ran for a position on the board, too. She didn't win either. She said she didn't even think about the election. She had put her name in the hat just because she was asked. She didn't care whether or not she won. I certainly won't be a sore loser in this situation, but I'm not going to say it didn't sting to lose.

This week I confessed I can be confrontational. I never said I sought out confrontation. I said, when I find myself in a situation that develops into one that requires a decision, I do not back away from making the tough decision. I am willing to put in the work to investigate what is needed. I'm willing to listen to both sides of an argument. I'm willing to be the decider and have some people be unhappy with my decision. One thing I learned from blogging about this was that this is a gift. I may not make every decision correctly. Some of the decisions I make may be overturned, at a later time. But, when a decision needs to be made, I can make it. Even if I am going to make some people unhappy. I know you can't make all the people happy all the time, and I'm willing to do the hard work. This is one character trait that absolutely makes my butt look good in these pants.

While digging through my feelings and thoughts about these character traits I discovered a couple things that had made me question myself. One thing was the tendency women have to back bite and criticize in order to make themselves feel better about themselves. It is very unfortunate this is a relatively common trait in women. It doesn't seem to be so common for men. A second thing I discovered was the complete acceptance of crying in the 30 something generation. When things don't go the way they want, crying is an accepted response. It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, it's ok to cry when things are not going your way. Crying is a very powerful tool. When someone cries as a response to not getting their way, emotion can sway a decision. When I saw the SNL sketch parodying this response, I was assured this was a trend in this generation.

I thank my readers for sharing this tedious examination of my character this week. I get it was pretty darn self-indulgent, but, seriously, blogging is a pretty self-indulgent activity. I don't use my blog to try to teach anyone anything. I'm just working through the struggles in my life and seeking to be happy, living my life authentically, and being the blessing I believe God created me to be.

by jalfaro2

Can you play Monopoly without tears?

2012-02-09T14:30:00.000-05:00

Not at my childhood home. No way could a game of Monopoly go to completion without tears. Sometimes the tears were mine. Sometimes the tears were my brothers'. Sometimes the gaming board was tossed and the money scattered. Competition. I grew up in a competitive family.

I'm a competitive person. I like to win. Of course, I'm not a sore loser anymore. I'm a grown-up now. But, I know the feeling of Wanting To Win. What's the point of playing the game if you don't want to win? I know it's "just a game," but everyone wants to win. Don't they?

I think they do. I know some people say they don't care if they win or not. (btw, we aren't just talking about Monopoly now) I don't believe them. I think it's an excuse for losing. Or an excuse for not trying their best. I think these same people often quit trying. They may not scatter the money to the floor, but they walk away. They won't play anymore. They stop trying. They quit. And you know how the old saying goes, "quitters never win."

I'm reading a book recommended to me by a reader (hi Lynn). The book is Born To Win by Muriel James. It is full of exercises to guide you in focusing on the roles we unconsciously play out in our day to day lives. It is teaching me about the way I relate to people without thinking and then helps me focus on my thoughts and behaviors when dealing with other people. It is teaching me to think like a winner. I haven't finished reading the book yet. I will keep you posted.

My husband thinks like a winner. Here is an example of his winning thinking. If you've read my blog, you know we like to go to Atlantic City every now and then. There are some very bright lights in AC that are paid for with money from losers. Yep, LOSER'S $$. People go to places like AC every day of the year with the attitude of losing. They say to themselves, "I'll bring $100 (or any amount) to gamble with, and when it's gone, I'm done." This is the attitude of a loser. They are planning to lose. They don't even consider winning. They are setting themselves up to fulfill the prophesy they predict for themselves as they put the money they plan to lose in their wallets.

Winners don't think like this. They plan to win. Of course, it's still gambling, so there is no guarantee of winning, but they plan to win anyway. Winners plan to gamble with a certain amount of money, as well. Here is where the similarity stops. Instead of gambling mindlessly, a winner will watch the fluctuation of the "luck of the draw." They will bet more when the luck is on their side of the table and bet less when the luck has moved away. They are playing to win. They have an attitude of a winner.

Losers always think the winners are beating them. Losers don't get the fact that they are defeating themselves. No one is a born loser any more than anybody is born to win. Losers blame and winners take responsibility. There will always be competition in the world, but the most important place we need to play to win is in the way we live our lives. Think like a winner. After all, every loves a winner.

Btw, if you think this post is about you, it is. Stop being such a loser. :)

Sorting my thoughts

2012-02-08T14:58:00.002-05:00

I was going to call this post scattered thoughts, but I think I'm really sorting through my thoughts and attempting to find some kind of order.

I realize my train of thought has been all over the place this month. First I blog about confrontation and my inability to people please. Then I blog about Groundhog Day and the transformation from self-absorption to generosity of spirit. Then I swing over to prayer and wonder if saying "I'll pray for you" has any meaning behind it or not. Finally, I find myself back to admitting I am opinionated and have a tendency to "call people on their sh*t."

I'm evidently doing a bit of soul searching. This is something I love about blogging. It allows me to see exactly what is going through in my head, typed on the computer screen. It's the age-old push and pull between being assertive and being a doormat. Between being liked and asserting my will. Between being who I am and being who I should be. Between being a strong woman or being a good girl. Between acting like a Christian or not.

I feel like I've been sorting through a lot of stuff in my head. I think most of what I'm thinking about stems from my recent visit with my parents. I struggle with how much of my father I see in myself. I struggle with the fear of my needing to be RIGHT to go so far as to disregard actual facts. I sometimes have thoughts go through my head that make me think to myself, "dang, that's just what my father would think or say." Since I think my dad is acting more curmudgeonly and more curmudgeonly, this scares me, A LOT.

I had a chat with a co-worker the other day. She was saying how she wished she could be more like me and tell people exactly what she thought of them. This comment was in the vein of letting people know when they were acting stupid or being inconsistent in their thought processes. I didn't take it as a compliment. I worry about this personality trait. Don't get me wrong, this co-worker wasn't incorrect in her assessment of the situations in which she wanted to respond and let people know what she was thinking. She was spot-on. She chose to say nothing. Now, maybe this was better for the individuals with the inconsistent thought process and inconsistency in their actions, but she's building an unhealthy load of resentment. It makes me wonder. Is my dilemma regarding my ability to speak out as unhealthy for me as the resentment that would build in me if I refrained from speaking out? I mean, I often make these comments with a touch of humor or sarcasm, and people laugh, but they know I mean it. Anyway, the workplace is not the area of my life I worry about. Seriously, these are just the people I work with. When I leave this position my leaving will have the exact same impact as the one left from pulling your finger out of a bucket of water. There will be no trace.

I am most concerned with my ability to make and keep friendships. I see my father and his dearth of friendships. Granted, my dad is old and a lot of his friends have died, but not everyone. I watch him push people as far away as possible. I see him isolate himself at home, with my mom and resenting my mom's desire to socialize. I don't want this to be my future. I see my father push family away, including my brother. I already have difficulty engaging with my son. I don't want this to be my future. I want a good relationship with my son.

I think I need to reinforce some of the things I know I have difficulty doing and, as the Nike ad says, Just Do It. I need to smile more. I need to practice kindness. I remember at Christmastime I was really enjoying the things I was doing for the shoebox project and the families our small group supported with gifts and food. Doing things like this really brought out my soft side.

I certainly hope I'm not fighting my DNA. I certainly hope I can scrape away enough the curmudgeon growing inside of me to allow the gifts of the Holy Spirit shine through. I know they are in there.

I will leave you with a link to my favorite crabby old man blog, The Problem With Young People Today. If I knew I would age to be a curmudgeon with a wit like his, I'd be glad for it to happen. Don is hilarious.

Don Mills

I call people on their stuff

2012-02-07T13:25:00.000-05:00

I call people on their sh*t. Yep, I don't pussyfoot around. You know exactly where you stand with me. When I see stupid, I hand them their sign. I've been told by some people, I'm not nice. I don't really know what "nice" is, I guess. If nice is always agreeing with every un-thought-through idea someone utters. I'm not nice.

Last night, I was reminded, by a member of my small group bible study, that I tell people what I think. (our study is on ethics. it's Chuck Colson's study called Doing the Right Thing) Let me tell you, this is ground littered with landmines for a person like me. We were discussing Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Letter from Birmingham Jail and the decision by Dr. King to participate in civil disobedience although he had great respect for the law. We talked about the difference between Dr. King's response to, what he believed were, unjust laws of segregation and the current Occupy protest regarding the economic situation our county and the EU find themselves. In order for civil disobedience to work Dr. King adhered to three main principles. Dr. King was open and transparent about his reasons for disobeying the law of the land, he encouraged the demonstrators to remain non-violent and reminded them they would have to be willing to accept the consequences of their actions. This non-violence and the horror of the repercussions to the demonstrations were the very things that broke through the walls of segregation in the 1960's. I think the Occupy protesters do not have the focus we saw in the civil rights movement. I don't think the occupiers are willing to suffer the consequences of their actions. I think many of the protesters are unsure of their purpose. I think the decision to remain non-violent is more difficult than most of the protesters have the capacity to achieve. This is the condensed version of our discussion last night.

I love this kind of discussion. I love to look at a difficult issue from all sides and figure out what I think about it. I love listening to what other people think about issues, and why they think the way they do. It's fascinating to me. So, what's my problem? After the discussion I was reminded, by a fellow group member, that nobody need ever wonder where I stand on an issue. Ouch. He said this in a laughing manner, but it stung a bit. It's true, I'm very opinionated. However, I don't share my opinions with everyone I meet. We are in a group discussion. Right? Isn't this the place to share opinions and argue them? Isn't this the place to set personalities aside and find out what we believe and why? This is what I thought it was supposed to be. Maybe I'm taking an off-hand comment a bit more to heart than I ought.

I'm dissecting my actions and statements from last night's dialogue. I know part of what I would like to accomplish in this group is to make friends with the other members. I want to be nice. One thing I've noticed about myself is my ability (or disability) to listen to what people say. I'm much better at hearing and understanding the words being spoken than I am at reading the unspoken body language and tone in what is being said. Because of this, I notice when people begin to backtrack and contradict themselves when they are trying to make a point. I know it is not always necessary to bring this to the speaker's attention, yet, if I feel I must, I try to do it with kindness. Also, I make every effort to present difficult points with self deprecating humor. Seriously, it is one thing to say you know the right thing to do and another thing, completely, to say you always DO the right thing.

I think I'm making progress in relating to other people and cultivating friendships. I certainly don't want a replay of the church lady group. And, I'm smart enough to know, if it happens again, shame on me.

Please enjoy Bill Engvall. He cracks me up.

I will pray for you

2012-02-06T13:50:00.000-05:00

I've been saying this a lot lately. I've been typing it to blog friends. I've been saying it to real life friends. I've been writing it in cards. I've been saying it a lot. Then I saw this blog, and I felt I needed to think about it some more. Do I mean what I say, when I say I will pray?

I believe prayer is a powerful thing. I believe intercessory prayer is a super duper powerful thing. When I tell someone I will pray for them, I try to do it immediately. I wish I had the nerve to pray with a person, out loud, when I tell them I will pray for them, in person. I think I've only done that once or twice. I'm just not comfortable doing that. However, I don't think this makes my prayers any less powerful. And, what if the only time I pray for the person I've agreed to pray for is this one time? Is this not good enough? When I said I would pray, did I mean I would pray every day? Does my prayer need to be in a certain form to be a legitimate prayer? I don't think so. Lastly, what if I don't pray for the person I said I would pray for? What if I forget? Does this make me a liar? Or, does the agreement to pray count for something?

I used to pray more often and on a regular schedule. I don't do that now. Sorry, but true. I think this is why I'm eager to pray for people, when they ask for prayer. It gives me a reason to pray. I used to pray for one thing, for myself, over and over and over. God didn't answer this prayer. So, I more or less stopped praying, for myself. It wasn't that I thought God didn't hear my prayer. It was more like, I thought, God didn't want to answer my prayer, for whatever reason. The biggest reason, I thought, was because I had been too sinful and I had not confessed all my sins. I know this most likely is not the reason, but this is what I thought.

Now, intercessory prayer, I think, is a different animal. I'm not praying for myself. There is no hint of selfishness in these prayers. Even though I may have never met those I'm praying for in person, I have faith that the God I serve knows them intimately. I have faith that the God I believe in and trust is the same God those I pray for believe in and trust. It connects us. It links us together. Even if we never meet on this Earth, we are connected through God. Praying for other people strengthens my faith in God. I am grateful for the opportunity to pray for others. It makes me glad when I'm asked. It feels authentic when I offer.

I hear others say they will keep people in their thoughts. I don't know if this means they don't want to say they don't pray or it means they don't want anyone to think they believe in God or a higher power. I don't think it is more authentic than saying they will pray. I do understand the fear of being thought of as a Christian. If you admit to being a Christian, in certain company, you may be looked at with a raised eyebrow. I'm not sure what keeping a person in one's thoughts can do for anyone, but there you have it.

I have been praying for others a lot, lately. I'm praying for you, Brandee. I'm praying for you, Lynn. I am praying for you Em. I'm praying for you, Elizabeth. I am praying for you, Jan. I'm praying for you Lynne and Ellye. I'm praying for you Linda. I am praying for you, Kati. I'm praying for you, Dan. Thank you all for allowing me to pray for you. Thank you for reminding me the God we love cares about us and answers the prayers of our fellow believers.

If you find yourself with a desire to pray, feel free to pray for me or any of the names listed above. I'd love to have other believers holding me up to God in prayer. I've got some real fears about the new turn my life is taking. I'd love to be able to give these fears away. I'd love to let them go. :)

Confrontation

2012-02-03T16:47:00.001-05:00

Today was a super busy day at work. I had to focus my energies on the job that pays the bills. (haha, I don't get paid very much, but since I don't get paid to blog At All, this is truth.) Today was one of those days. I have to admit, some of the things I had to do today were far from my favorites. I had to let someone go from their job today. This is tough. There was a two month severance package, but that doesn't make the blow that much easier. I did it, but it wasn't fun.

When I was with the church ladies in the bible study, one of them said I was a confrontational person. I disagree. I don't think I would consider myself confrontational. I'm not a person who seeks out confrontation, but I'm not a person who backs away from it, either. I guess, if you're a person who avoids confrontation completely, you may consider me a confrontational person. I say, you are wrong.

I work for a very non-confrontational person. My boss avoids confrontation as much as he possibly can. I think it makes him look weak and it makes it difficult to do the job. He will never tell anyone "no," except, however, for those reporting directly to him. This makes our job so much more difficult. We have to be all things to all people. This is very hard to do.

Some people go to great lengths to avoid confrontation. This saddens and amuses me. The ones that amuse me are those who crawl into their beds and hide under the covers. I wonder how they manage? Do they think if they hide, all the things they don't like will go away? Maybe. Or maybe they think they are so powerful they will annihilate the person they have to confront. If this is true, they have more serious issues. Anger management classes may be something they should look into.

When a situation develops that involves confrontation or a direct conversation about something that may be considered negative or unpleasant by the recipient, I try to be as kind about it as possible. I can say the difficult thing, like "you're fired" and sandwich it between any positives I can think of saying. I can say "no" or "this product is not acceptable" or "I won't be able to do what you are asking of me" without being unpleasant. People who, I guess for a better word, are People Pleasers, can't do this. I guess instead of telling me I'm confrontational, I should be labeled NOT a people pleaser.

I'll tell you the truth, to the best of my ability. I wish there were more truth tellers out there in the world. I think we'd all be a lot better off. If I ever discover a lot more truth telling going on out in the world, I'm going to buy stock in Kimberly Clark (I think they make Kleenex). There's going to be a lot of crybabies out there. I just want to be ready.

Groundhog Day

2012-02-02T12:20:00.002-05:00

Groundhog Day is my husband's favorite movie. He loves it. I mean, who doesn't. Bill Murray is superb as Phil Connors, the egotistic weatherman. I love his strong Chicago accent. It's such a comforting sound for me. And, Bill Murray is hilarious. There are so many funny lines and so many funny situations. I love the segment of Phil going out drinking with the two drunks.
Phil: You wanna throw up here, or you wanna throw up in the car?
Ralph: I think... both.
Then there is a police chase culminating with an escape route on the railroad tracks with a train coming towards them.
Phil: I'm betting he's going to swerve first.

The movie's theme is one of transformation. The transformation of Phil from an self-centered person with nothing but loathing for his co-workers and the Punxatawneyans to an empathetic soul falling in love with his co-worker and settling in Punxatawney, PA. The meat of the movie is set in the premise of Phil being "stuck" in February 2nd, Groundhog Day.

Initially he is incredulous.
Phil Connors: Excuse me, where is everybody going?
Fan on Street: To Gobbler's Knob. It's Groundhog Day.
Phil Connors: It's still just once a year, isn't it?

Then he becomes the embodiment of gluttony while facing a future of "no consequences." He eats everything on the menu in the diner. Then he becomes self-destructive. He tries to kill himself in many different ways. When this doesn't produce the escape he craves (Phil: I have been stabbed, shot, poisoned, frozen, hung, electrocuted, and burned. Rita: Oh, really? Phil: ...and every morning I wake up without a scratch on me, not a dent in the fender... I am an immortal.) he becomes generous. He changes a tire for a couple elderly ladies. He catches a boy falling from a tree. He does his job with excellence. Sadly, he embraces his predicament and makes the best of it. But then he is confronted with mortality. Not his, but an elderly vagrant. He cannot prevent this man's death. "It was his time." After accepting the death of the vagrant, Phil not only accepts his circumstances, but embraces them. He takes piano lessons.
Piano Teacher: Not bad... Mr. Connors, you say this is your first lesson?
Phil: Yes, but my father was a piano *mover*, so...
He helps a young couple have the honeymoon of their dreams. He embraces his annoying insurance salesman, Ned Ryerson, BING! In the end, he becomes the town hero. And, he gets the girl.

I am looking forward to watching Groundhog Day when I get home from work. I hope you get an opportunity to watch it again, too. If you've never seen it, please do. It's a classic.

The entire movie is uploaded to YouTube here.

Sprinter (haiku)

2012-02-01T15:11:00.000-05:00

February first
Pleasant balmy cloudless sky
I dub thee Sprinter

I will miss Em's meme at Imperfect Prose. I learned so much about love and Jesus and hope here. I wish her the best. Good health. Good luck. Good times. God bless.

by mjesli

He quit

2012-01-31T15:35:00.000-05:00

My husband quit his job.

He's not getting another job.

He is retiring.

I was afraid of this. I knew it was coming. I didn't want it to come. This is a change. It's a scary change. And, now it is here. He called me on the phone while I was picking up my rental car at Chicago Midway airport. Maybe it was easier to tell me when he wasn't looking me in the eye. I don't think so. Timing is everything.

My husband doesn't have to go to work, EVER! (I'm going to have to blog about this again. just from my new pov.)

I'm getting used to the idea of this thing called retirement. I'm starting to wrap my head around what this is going to mean for me, for him, for our family. Some parts of it, I believe, will be great. My husband will have more time to work on his dissertation. Maybe he will finally FINISH it. On the flip side of this, we will now be paying for the classes. These are not cheap. But, maybe he'll FINISH it. Then he will be able to start teaching classes. See, I'm already planning ways to get him back to work. And he hasn't had his last day of work, yet. It's coming, but it hasn't come yet. (february 24th)

It's hard for me to imagine what retirement will look like. Of course, I'll still be getting up in the morning and going to work. I hope I don't resent him too much. I hope I don't accidentally jostle him awake while I'm getting up and getting ready to go to work. But, you never know what will happen. Maybe he will be home when I get home from work? What am I saying? Of course he'll be home. I have a feeling he's going to be home A LOT. I wonder what it will be like to talk to someone a soon as I get home from work? I'm not expecting dinner to be ready. He cannot cook. Hmm, but then again, I could really use to lose a few pounds. Maybe I should encourage some cooking. I can't decide. Do you think he will do the laundry? He never has. Will we have enough money? This is my biggest fear. I know my husband is a smart man. (did I tell you he is working on his PhD?) I know he wouldn't have made this move if we couldn't afford it. I guess this means we are officially old. I've always thought I was old, but now I have a retired husband to prove it.

This week I had to take all my fears to the terminal "what if." What if my husband quits his job? (play Law and Order "dunk dunk") I can tell you, the world doesn't end. The sun comes up the next morning. I didn't actually throw up. And, my husband told me he feels a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders and he is happier than he has been in a very long time.

I think we are going to be ok.

You may be right... (I may be crazy)

2012-01-30T15:34:00.001-05:00

This is what I should have said. This is what I should always say. This is how you deal with a "right-fighter."

My dad is a right-fighter. He is always right. No matter what the facts say. He is always right. I have just returned from visiting my mother and father. It could have gone better. I knew there was going to be trouble even before I set out on the visit. Mom was very excited and happy I was coming for a visit, Dad was nonplussed. Nothing. No real reaction of gladness or dismay. Nothing. It didn't matter. I was going to visit anyway. I hadn't seen my parents in a year. A year is a long time when you have aging parents. I was going to visit.

I was pleasantly surprised when I arrived. Both my mom and my dad acted happy to see me. I brought my dad a small cooler full of salad greens and cooking greens. I took my mom for a pampering visit at a local spa. We visited. We chatted. We talked about their future, in a very limited way. They don't like to discuss the "what we will do if... dad dies... or, mom dies." That conversation was short and cut off abruptly. In fact, it was dealt with, at least on my dad's part, with sarcasm and glib retorts. Fine. We won't talk about that. Fine.

It looked as if it was going to be a completely pleasant weekend. Thursday night was lovely. Friday, all day, pleasant. Saturday, half the day at the spa and the second half involved the arrival of my brother (not the feuding brother) and his daughter, fun filled. Sunday was to be church and leaving for the airport. It looked as if I would make it out of the weekend unscathed. But, NO. I had to have a cup of coffee before taking my shower and dressing for church Sunday morning. Then it began. A discussion of my shortcomings as a daughter. How I am not doing what it takes to reconcile my brother (the feuding brother) and my father. How I am siding with my brother and have NEVER asked my father about his side of the issue. (even though I reminded him I had talked both he and my mom about this several times. even though I reminded him, he had asked me not to speak to my brother about my mother or himself.) I was at fault. AND, now I was told, the feud between these two was going to effect my standing in the family. I had not done all I could to repair this rift. I needed to do what I could to force my brother to repent. I needed to do what I could to force my brother to eat whatever worms were necessary. And, I need to apply some kind of pressure to my brother this situation or I will find MYSELF on the outside of a relationship with my father.

It was fascinating to watch my father "right-fight" me. He would bring up an issue he was angry about. He would explain how I didn't know anything about his point of view. I only knew my brother's point of view. If I reminded him of a conversation we HAD had about it, the conversation would immediately shift to another issue he was angry about. This went around and around and around. There was so much bobbing and weaving, I was getting dizzy. Thank goodness I could remove myself from this fight with the need to take a shower and get dressed for church. (btw, the sermon was about constructive and destructive criticism. it stung a bit. I had quite a few critical thoughts swimming around in my head.)

The only way for this three-year feud to end is for my brother and myself to apologize to my dad and agree that we have been completely at fault and my dad has been completely right. My dad is right. My dad needs to be right. No matter what the facts say, my dad is right and I am wrong. This is how you win at right-fighting. It's so easy... All you have to say is, "You may be right."

I hope, one day soon, my brother can say these words to my father because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, my father can NEVER say these words. It's hard to imagine I am being asked to choose between my brother and my father, by my father. It's not a choice I want to make. It's not a choice I ever thought I'd be asked to make. I feel like I've been sucker-punched. Or, maybe I'm just crazy.

I plan & God laughs

2012-01-25T13:46:00.000-05:00

Things are changing around me. I know life is constantly changing. Nothing stays the same. You cannot step into the same river twice. "Change brings opportunity." "We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance." "If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living." "It's the most unhappy people who fear change." "Just when I think I have learned to live life, it changes." "Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine."

Thank you, old Native American, Nido Qubein, Harrison Ford, Gail Sheehy, Mignon McLaughlin, Hugh Prathner, and Robert C. Gallagher, for words of wisdom on change.

I especially enjoyed the one reminding me "It is the most unhappy people who fear change." Wow. Thanks for that! I admit it. I'm a bit scared of the changes happening in my life right now. Remember me, I'm the girl who likes a plan. Let me tell you, the plan has all gone to hell. I know, I know...Mentsch tracht, Gott lacht (man plans, God laughs). I trust God. I know God has the real plan for my life. Today, everything seems just out of my grasp. I can't put my fingers on the changes going on around me. I'm not in control. I've always known I'm not in control, but sometimes it feels like you have some control and then you start to believe you are in control and this is what has, kinda, happened to me in a lot of parts of my life.

This is over for me. I have no control. My son, although still living at home, is taking a class. In the past, this has not worked well for him, but he's giving it another try. I have to trust he will put forth effort this time. Trust. My husband is making decisions for his future. These plans include me, but he's in control of when he decides to do whatever it is he decides to do, not me. There will be change. It is inevitable. I need to trust my husband to do the right thing. I need to trust my son to do the right thing.

What is the Right Thing? I'll tell you what I think the right thing is. The right thing is what I want them to do. However, and this is hard to type, the right thing may NOT be the thing I want them to do. This is a scary thought. This is where trust comes in. I may think the right thing for my son is to work hard in his class and get an A. I'm encouraging him to go to class and do the work, but I can't do it for him. I wish I could, but I can't. I may think the right thing for my husband to do is to stay right where he is in his employment. Tough it out. However, my husband's plan for his future may be the best thing. I have to trust his good sense and knowledge of himself and the love he has for his family and keeping us secure. Trust.

Finally, I need to trust I am in God's will and in the middle of his plan. Yep, I said finally. Why this comes to me at last instead of first is part of my problem. For some reason, I have the idea that I am NOT in the middle of God's plan if I'm not in complete obedience to God. Well, I'm not completely obedient. I haven't been to church the past two Sundays. I don't read my bible every day. I don't confess my sins every day. I cuss. I break almost all the Commandments. I know God's love for me is big, but so are consequences of disobedience. I'm consequence phobic. I don't mind doing the crime, but I don't want to do the time. (Baretta, old tv show) Here's the other problem I have with trusting God's plan. Sometimes God's plan isn't even CLOSE to what I would like. Sometimes it's 180 degrees out. This scares me, too. Trust.

There is no way around trust. I have to trust people other than myself. I have to trust my husband. I have to trust my son. I have to trust God. I guess I'm lucky, even though I don't feel lucky just now. All the people I am being put in the position to trust, love me. They all love me a LOT. And, I love them. Now all I have to do is act like I love them and show them I trust them.

I trust you to make the best decision for our family, honey.

I trust you to do well and make an effort, sweetie.

I trust you, God. I really do.

Confessions of a hater

2012-01-24T14:05:00.000-05:00

I think it's time I started working on a problem I have. I have a tendency to exhibit some self-loathing. I sometime have hateful thoughts about myself. Sometimes I actually say these thoughts out loud. I am not proud of this. I really want to stop it. I know annoys my husband. These thoughts come to me as soon as the alarm sounds on work days. I'm able to push them out of my head while I'm at work, most of the time. Maybe this is a form of compartmentalization on my part. However, if I make an error, the negative thoughts come rushing back to my mind. On the weekends I struggle with negative thoughts if I am not completing all the tasks I have set for myself. The thoughts that swim around my head are always the same ones. The list is short, but brutal.

I hate myself
I am a failure
I'm no good
I don't deserve...(this one can be very difficult)
Everybody hates me
I'm ugly

When I started this blog I was hoping it would help me combat some of this self-loathing. I even started a Happy Thoughts page to turn the negative thoughts into positive thoughts. So far, not so good. I'm going to do a re-start on this project of treating myself better.

I've always wondered how those people with such incredibly high self esteem, yet are average or even marginal at whatever they do, manage it. Do they feel great about themselves all the time? Do they have moments when they question their sense of self worth? Do they have moments when they say to themselves, "I'm a failure." I know I don't always feel these feelings of self-hatred. Sometimes I feel just fine. Sometimes I'm proud of myself. It's those moments of self-loathing I want to eliminate.

I found a list of things to do to work on this problem. (dontcha just love the internet?)

I'm going to start treating myself the way I treat my friends. I forgive their shortcomings. I need to forgive my own shortcomings.
I need to interrupt the negative self-talk. I need to stop. Breath. Maybe turn myself around. Anything to break the pattern.
I'm going to talk back to myself. Especially if I say something negative about myself out loud. If I say, "I'm a failure" I'll reply to myself, "I'm pretty darn good."
I need to exaggerate my worthiness. Maybe I need to take 5 minutes out of my day to praise myself.
I'm debating whether or not I need to search for the reason I have this self-loathing. I don't know if it is worth the effort. The list says to write down reasons, but I think I know. I'm in the business of being forgiving, not looking to blame.
Remind myself why this negative self-talk is bad for me.

I saw a cartoon in the New Yorker. A woman was holding a lamp. She says to her friend, "It's so me, but I hate myself." It's good to know I'm not alone.

Smiles

2012-01-23T14:58:00.000-05:00

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world." Robert Louis Stevenson

This is the quote I've chosen to focus on in the year 2012. The DUTY of being happy. This is certainly a different way of thinking about happiness. Being happy as a duty. As a result of being happy we benefit the world. This is a huge concept. It certainly takes the focus off of me, doesn't it. I always thought that being happier would benefit ME. I would have a better life. I would be a more positive person. I would move through this life with a more pleasant countenance. I never thought of it as a duty. I never thought of my happiness being a benefit to the world.

When I first read this quote it gave me pause. The idea of being happy to benefit others went against my idea of what happiness was. The first thing I thought was there couldn't be any truth to this statement. How could my happiness benefit anyone else? I first thought of the converse of this statement. Can my unhappiness harm the world? The only thing that came to mind to disprove this theory was the old adage. "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." But the more I thought about it, the more I realized the person being resented isn't the person you come into contact on a day to day basis. In fact, you are most likely to avoid the person you have resentments against. And they are likely to avoid you, as well. The people exposed to my unpleasant attitude of unhappiness haven't done anything at all to deserve being in contact with it.

I thought about people I meet who seem happy. People who smile more than they don't smile. These people have the ability to draw a smile out of me. It may only last a moment, but the smile comes to my face. I've been practicing smiling this year. I have a little smiley face stuck to my computer monitor. I take a few minutes out of each day, look at the smiley face and smile. I typically start feeling a happier feeling. Even though I'm just smiling and I've NOTHING to smile about, I feel happy. In fact, I often remember a joke or have a recollection of a pleasant experience while I'm smiling. I've come to the conclusion that I can trick myself into thinking I'm happy, just by smiling.

One more thing happens while practicing this endeavor. I enjoy practicing this smiling exercise when someone comes into my office. I try to notice if my smiling face causes the visitor to smile, as well. It's especially fun to see someone who was previously not smiling develop a smile on their face. Maybe this is considered the benefit? Maybe by encouraging another human being to smile I am benefiting that person.

This is as far as I've gotten in the experience of my happiness benefiting the world. I'll start in my little office in a small liberal arts college in the mid-Atlantic. I'll start smiling at a lot of people I don't feel I have very much in common with. I'll continue the practice of putting a smile on my face. Even though this exercise doesn't come naturally to me, I believe it is worth the effort.

Can I call myself a writer?

2012-01-20T16:00:00.000-05:00

Look to the right. In the margin. See my profile? It says "I've been blogging for a year. I'm not a writer, but I think I have something to say." Well, I guess I consider myself a writer now. What am I thinking? I'm entering a writing contest being hosted by the college. I read the requirements for the contest. The requirements opened the contest to current students and alumni. I was disappointed. I wanted to enter, but I am neither a current student, nor an alum. I crafted an email requesting permission to enter the contest as a staff member of the college. The faculty member and judge wrote back and said, "please submit an entry. and please talk this contest up to other staff members." The "Assault of Laughter" contest is being hosted by the Mark Twain Lecture series. My entry needs to be a humorous piece and it needs to be 1000 to 2000 words. I'm thinking of fleshing out my post, In Facebook, veritas. I'm sure I won't win, but... I certainly won't win if I don't try. I'm stretching myself some more. It's a little scary. I'll keep you posted.

Poison ivy

2012-01-19T13:39:00.001-05:00

Fear took me over and stirred my thoughts
Mixing the compost of dark thoughts through my fertile mind
My imagination grew a vine of dread with thick strong stems
I try to pull them out
But the root stayed firmly stuck, in my brain

Foreboding a future I cannot foresee or control
Roots of fear work their way down my throat
I choke on them as they work their way inward
I try to change the taste from bile to honey by thinking sweet thoughts
But the taste is bitter and lingers on my tongue

Panic fills me when I contemplate life's transitions
Employment ends, classes begin, life twists life turns
I feel the roots work their way to my belly, acid flows
It bubbles, it gurgles and roils. Pink potion please
But I vomit the vitriol of fear

Cold sweat covers my skin as I wipe puke from my lips
I try to wash it away and rinse sour spit from my mouth
I glimpse myself in the mirror I see the terror in my eyes
Spiral tendrils twisting through my hair and fingers sprouting leaves
The vine of dread bloomed full in me

Praying the break of dawn with sunshine rays to kill this creeper in me
Shift the shadows, shine the light
See the forest for the trees, all is darkest before dawn
Truth lies in axioms of the ages
I can brave another day

Normal has returned

2012-01-18T16:52:00.002-05:00

The final project in the restoration of my home was completed today. It feels good to have the walls and ceilings and windows sound again. It's good to have this all behind me. I still have to finish putting a few of the odds and ends back into place. But, for all intents and purposes, normal has returned to my house. This experiences held so many lessons for me. There is nothing like having your home, your sanctuary, invaded. It teaches you about yourself and what you can do.

I've learned I have a strength I wasn't sure I possessed. I'm strong enough to carry five gallon buckets of water from the attic to the bathroom all night long. I'm strong enough to deal with insurance companies and mortgage companies who don't want to give me my money. I'm strong enough to push my son to take action when he is paralyzed with fear. I know I'm not the person saying quit, but the person saying persevere. It's good to know.

I learned I'm the person who trusts my husband. I don't have to double check his work. I know he will do whatever is necessary to get the job done. He spent hours (I'm not kidding or exaggerating in regard to this) on the phone with the mortgage company. They did not want to give us our insurance money. I think my husband learned to have confidence in me, too.

I learned I can make decisions, and then be satisfied with my decisions. I know this may not sound like much, but for me it is. I have a huge fear of not being to make decisions in my life. I observed my mom and her mother, my grandmother, have difficulty making decisions in their lives. I've had a few experiences in my life with buyer's remorse and it scared me. I don't want to be the person that cannot make up her mind. This experience offered opportunity after opportunity to make decisions and choices. I rose to the challenge. I made decision after decision without hesitation. There are some things I'm happier with than others, but, you know what, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not fretting over the roof being a bit lighter gray than I'd hoped. I'm not upset the window is a half an inch taller than it should have been. It's done. The fact of the matter is, nobody but me will ever know the difference.

We've still got a few trees leaning this way and that way. They will be taken care of in due time. Normal has returned. Life is good.

You can do ANYTHING

2012-01-17T14:40:00.004-05:00

I wonder if most SNL viewers thought this sketch was as funny as I thought it was? I know I am no longer the demographic SNL seeks, but, in my old age, I have discovered the joy of DVRing shows I cannot stay up late enough to watch. While I was skimming through with my Sunday morning coffee, I ran across this gem. Thank you, thank you, thank you SNL for portraying exactly what I'm thinking about regarding this very subject. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, and you don't even have to try very hard.

"No one has ever been honest with me about how mediocre I am."
"What if someone were to be honest with you?"
"I would immediately cry."
"And that's accepted now."

SNL, You Can Do ANYTHING sketch.

Since I watched this sketch Sunday morning, I've been thinking about this generation so much. I'm still laughing about it, but there is a part of me that cannot help but feel sad about it. This sketch depicts young adults with no idea of what excellence is or the desire to work towards it. I see a lot of young people in leadership positions proclaiming "good enough" to the tasks they have been sent out to accomplish. Good enough.

The phrase "you can do anything" used to be a phrase of encouragement. It used to mean being born an American gave you the opportunity to pursue whatever your heart desired. This was the land of opportunity. One could "pull oneself up by one's bootstraps."

Now, "you can do anything" just means you are great if you "take a stab" at something. There is no need to excel or win or be the best. In fact, we've raised a couple generations of children without winners and losers. We didn't want to hurt their self esteem. What we did was kill their drive.

I'm still laughing at the sketch and at the people I know that are JUST LIKE the people in the sketch. I hope the target audience of SNL will see themselves as portrayed here. And WAKE UP! And realize it takes hard work and effort to succeed. Not just 1% inspiration and 99% "getting your name out there."

Predator

2012-01-13T12:40:00.001-05:00

Which is the predator?
Don't be fooled by their cuteness. Or lack thereof. Looks can be deceiving. Have a good weekend.

Aphid

Ladybug

Killer tomato By JessicaRaeRobeson

In Facebook, veritas

2012-01-12T12:07:00.000-05:00

Veritas. Truth. And then there is facebook.

We all know the Latin phrase, in vino veritas or in wine, there is truth. There is nothing like a couple glasses of wine to loosen the tongue and reveal real feelings. This holiday season, I discovered, in facebook, veritas.

It amazes me to read the fb posts of the people who have declared themselves to be my friend on facebook. I wonder if they think about the people reading their status updates when they post them. One of my favorite things about reading facebook statuses, especially from young people (and by young people, I mean people younger than me, so that is most of the people on fb) is the obvious disregard for their privacy and then the fury resulting from other people knowing what they posted on fb.

Please enjoy this example. I noticed an invitation being passed around on fb for a holiday party. I'm guessing the people hosting the party were too lazy to send individual invitations. Instead they tagged a few of their friends in the status update mentioning the party. Here is a news flash. EVERYONE (of your friends, or even friends of friends, even EVERYONE, depending on your privacy setting) can see your fb status. Even the people (friends) you don't want to invite to your party. Oh yeah, AND, when you respond to a fb invitation to a party, EVERYONE can see where you are going to be at a certain date and time. And, Oh Yeah, if the party invitee THEN tells someone else they will attend their party instead of the party first accepted and then blow off the first accepted party EVERYONE knows this, as well. Let the fb fury begin. It's high school all over again.

Please understand this is not the end of the trouble truth in fb can cause. When the party goers are at the party, NOTHING is more fun than taking pictures. Oh yes, the pictures. And what good are pictures if you can't post them on fb for EVERYONE to see. The pictures are taken, posted and tagged quicker than you can say "Bob's your uncle." Please remember, I'm a woman of a certain age, and yet, I know what happens on the internet. These pictures are there forever. And, btw, that facebook status you posted calling someone a "sociopath" and then get nervous about the posting and delete it. Have you never heard of SCREEN SHOT? There are no secrets on the internet. Once it's on fb or your blog or Google+, whatever, it is there forever. Whether you like it or not.

Truth, whether you want to tell it or hear it or read it, is on facebook. Oh Emily Post, where are you? There is a desperate need for an etiquette app for our iPhones. Or, maybe, Mr. Zuckerberg, we can add a privacy alert for stupid postings. Just a thought.

I grew up in Italy

2012-01-11T12:04:00.002-05:00

Every morning I post a quotation about "being happy" as my facebook status on my Happy Girl page ---> Btw, if you click the Like button you can like my fan page and see my daily quote.

This morning I posted this quote by Bertrand Russell; "Italy, and the spring and first love all together should suffice to make the gloomiest person happy." This quote brought my thoughts back to living in Italy. I was so happy there.

I moved to Italy in April of 1984. I had been married for 20 months. My husband had been out to sea for 10 of those 20 months. Before I married my husband, I lived with my parents. I didn't go away to college. I did go to college and I graduated, but I lived at home, with my parents, while I attended college. I moved out and was on my own for three years after I graduated, but I lived close to my parents and visited often. Now you have the Reader's Digest condensed version of my life before I moved to Italy.

Moving to Italy was the most exciting thing I had ever done in my life. I was so excited. I had traveled to Europe at other times, but I'd never LIVED outside of the US and I'd mostly spent my life, thus far, in Illinois. I had not lived a very exciting life. But all that was going to change. I was going to live in Italy.

Let me tell you, Bertrand Russell is correct, Italy can make the gloomiest person happy. I lived in Naples, Italy. As far a places to live in Italy, Naples is not considered the choicest of cities. Too bad for those that think this way. I loved it. The first night I spent on Italian soil gave me the experience of 30 to 40 tremors (little earthquakes). I spent most of the night sitting on the curb outside my hotel room, in my pajamas, with the other new arrivals. Welcome to Italy. I didn't care. I loved it.

My husband had to go to work immediately upon arrival, so finding an apartment fell to me. I didn't have a job, I didn't speak or read the language, but I had time. I couldn't wait. I found a friend (we weren't friends yet, but we came to be life-long friends) to take me around and show me the different areas of the city. After a couple weeks of looking and learning the lay of the land I found an apartment. I negotiated the rent, in Italian, and signed the lease, written in Italian, and paid in Lire (this was prior to the EU). Our apartment was in Arco Felice near Pozzuoli. I loved it. I Google Earthed our old apartment. It's still there, but the area around it looks quite different.

This was just the beginning of my life in Italy. I woke up happy every day I was there. Every day there was the adventure of communicating with people. Every day there was the adventure of discovering a new place to visit. I immersed myself in the culture. I shopped in the markets. I used public transportation. I visited the coffee shop every morning and practiced my language. I loved it.

I grew into the person I am today because I lived in Italy at this very formative time of my life. I had no contact with my parents or old friends. There was no phone in my apartment. Al Gore had not invented the internet yet. Steve Jobs was still building computers in his garage. I had to get out there and just Do It. I had to be brave and overcome my shyness and PARTICIPATE in life. I learned I could make mistakes and be ok. I could make incredibly embarrassing mistakes in language and customs and not die of embarrassment. (remind me to tell you about ordering a plate of policemen for dinner, some time) I was 27 years old and I was making decisions and choices in my life without having to get confirmation from a parent or a friend or ANYONE. My husband was working very hard at a challenging time for our country and needed to be able to trust me to take care of our home and take care of myself. He didn't have time to coddle me and I didn't wish he didn't have to go to work, EVER, because it was his job that was providing this wonderful opportunity.

I agree with Bertrand Russell, if you can't be happy when you are in Italy, then there is just no way to make you happy. Because even the gloomiest of people should be able to find la dolce vita in Italy. If you find yourself feeling gloomy, grab your first love and rush to Italy in May. You will find the happiness you seek.

Fear Not or Fear the Lord?

2012-01-10T14:48:00.000-05:00

I think all the church bloggers out there will agree, the bible is one confusing book. Where should I start? I know, let's start with the fear of the Lord. Don't think, for a minute, this will be an exhaustive study on fearing God, but it will be a start.

I've mentioned I've been doing a study on angels these past few weeks. It's interesting. I don't think my salvation hinges on what I know about angels, but I am learning more about God by studying this part of his creation. One thing I've noticed is the people in the bible that get to see angels are described as having a fear of the Lord. I, for one, have never seen an angel. I began to think about why I'd never seen an angel. I listened to the members of my small bible study group discuss their angel experiences. One of the guys had had, what seemed to me, to be an authentic angel encounter. It was an amazing story. I can't remember exactly where he said he was in the world, but it was in Southeast Asia, in the area of Cambodia or Laos. He was a missionary serving in this part of the world. Part of his job involved taking pictures. At the time, he didn't consider himself an accomplished photographer, so he was willing to accept any advice tossed his way. On this particular occasion, he met a stranger who said he was a photographer, too. My friend from the small group bible study, Steve, said he spent all day with this fellow. He said this guy was amazing. He knew so much about photography and was excellent at teaching. The images Steve produced that day were stunning. He wanted to thank the guy for all his help, but when he went to invite him out to dinner, the guy was gone. Simply nowhere to be found. And, no one had seen anyone resembling his description in the area. This makes you say, "hmmm," if nothing else.

Let me tell you a bit about Steve. Steve is a God fearing man. He believed God called him to mission in the jungles of Cambodia. He left his job and went. He was obedient.

What does it mean to be God fearing? Does it mean to respect God? I hope it means more than that. I respect my boss, because he's my boss. However, I lie to my boss. I cheat my boss out of time. I say crappy things about my boss behind his back. I don't like going out to lunch with my boss and making small talk because he is bad at it and I don't like talking about work on my lunch hour. (I am getting off-track)

I don't want to just respect God. I want to love him. I want to WANT to do what he wants me to do because I love him. Not because I'm afraid of him. I know the bible says I'm his child because I believe in his son Jesus. But, I don't want to take advantage of God's love like my son takes advantage of my love. I've been taught once you belong to God you always belong to God, but I'm not completely sure. I want to be serious about my relationship with God. I'm done fooling around and living on God's good graces.

I think in order to have an understanding of God and his nature, I need to spend some time studying about him and what he says about his people and this world I live in and the people I've chosen to involve myself, also known as relationships with human beings. I think in order to have a loving and intimate relationship with God I need to spend time talking to him and being quiet enough to allow him to speak back to me, also known as prayer and meditation. I think, between these two actions I can combine the fear not and fear the Lord ends of the relationship spectrum into a healthy relationship with God.

I know this is not all I need to do to understand God, but I think it will help me become the God fearing woman I would like to be. And, maybe I'll be able to see an angel.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom... Proverbs 9:10

Contrived

2012-01-09T13:46:00.001-05:00

When one wants to become good at something, one is encouraged to practice. Right? I've mentioned that to become proficient at something you have to spend 10,000 hours doing it.

So, is it contrived to blog often? If you are a blogger and you want to become good at blogging or even if you don't want to become good at blogging, you just want to improve your writing, you write. If you want to write poetry, is it contrived to write a poem every day? If you want to be a wonderful chef, is it contrived to cook every day? If you want to be a wonderful actor or lawyer, is it contrived to tell lies every day? (just kidding, not really, yes I am, no I'm not.)

There seems to be a trend of thinking out there amongst the younger folks, that one is BORN being talented in some area or another. I'm guessing, and I could be wrong, but I don't think so, this trend of thinking comes from observing teen pop stars like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift and (from the olden days) Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. There is a trend of thinking that believes these folks were born talented and luckily, became RICH and FAMOUS. And, the thinking continues, if it happened to these folks, it could happen to me, as well. I mean, aren't I talented? My high-school art teacher said I showed some talent. And, I saved all the pictures I drew in high school and they must be worth hundreds of dollars now. And, I play the guitar some and, even if I don't play every day, I'm still as good as any rock star and I deserve to be rich and famous, too. I think there may be a disconnect with the fact that these LUCKY pop stars didn't graduate from high school and spent ALL their time singing or dancing or both and there was a lot of hard work involved and there were parents giving up their time and energy, as well. But, ... who's thinking about that.

Practicing is thought of as contrived. I guess the words or the music or the art or the cooking or the arguing is supposed to flow through a person organically. Anything of any worth or value comes out of the person without rehearsal. If the music or the art or the cooking or the arguing has been practiced or rehearsed, it is contrived. In my point of view, this is just being lazy.

Practicing, especially when you don't want to do it, is what makes you proficient at whatever it is you want to do well. It not only gives you the opportunity to do your thing 10,000 times, it teaches you to have the discipline to keep working at whatever it is you want to do, even when it becomes tough to do.

If I want to be a better writer, I need to write every day. Even when I have a tough time thinking of a topic to write about. Even when the topic is something that isn't so much fun to write about. If I want to become a better writer, I need to write.

An angel colors my hair

2012-01-06T13:24:00.003-05:00

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it. Hebrews 13:2

I've been studying angels. It is an interesting and enlightening subject. Guardian angels, angelic hosts, warrior angels, strangers as angels, there are a LOT of angels. I think my hairdresser is an angel. If she's not an angel, she is the next best thing to an angel.

The day before yesterday (Wednesday) I had to have a root canal procedure. It was a BIG root canal. Four roots. An hour and a half in the chair not counting the time it took to become numb with whatever numbing stuff they use these days. I also had a hair appointment scheduled two hours after the root canal. My hope was I would be able to get my hair appointment and get colored and cut before the Novocaine wore off. Unfortunately, this was not to be. Instead, my hairdresser said I could come in the next day for cut and highlights. I was grateful. So, instead of getting my hair done, I went home and made dinner for my family before the Novocaine wore off. Good. I then swallowed the maximum amount of Tylenol allowed and crawled in bed.

When I arrived at my appointment yesterday the shop was dark and empty. I was sure I had screwed up. I remembered this day was Thursday. My hairdresser closes her shop on Thursdays. As long as I've been going to her, the shop has been closed on Thursdays. I guess when it's a week with a holiday on Monday and you're talking on the phone while driving your car just after you have finished spending two hours in a dentist chair having him scrape and poke and drill and generally mess around with the inside of your mouth, you can forget what day it is. And, I did just that. I forgot this day was Thursday. I forgot.

The art gallery next door to the salon was open and an artist was sitting at a desk. She said, in her exotic Portuguese accent, the salon had been closed all day. I knew, just at that moment, I had misunderstood the time and day of my appointment. Darn.

Just then, my hairdresser stepped through the door. She had come into her shop just to do my hair. And not only did she come in just to do my hair, but she brought me a sweatshirt to wear under the smock because she knew it would be cold in the shop. The shop had been closed all day with the thermostat scaled back to 58 degrees. She is an angel. She opened her shop, just for me and thought of my comfort. She is definitely an angel.

We chatted while she foiled my hair and we waited and we drank wine and she washed and she cut and she styled my hair. All during the time it took to cover all my gray and make me feel pretty again, I kept thinking, "she did this all for me." I can't explain how special it made me feel. It was such a gift. During our chat she asked if I ever wrote about her in my blog. I said I thought I had once, a while ago, but I wasn't sure. I want to be sure next time she asks if I ever write about her in my blog. I'll be able to tell her, YES. I wrote about you and I wrote that I believe you are an angel. I pray for God to bless you, Bren, and send his angels to gather around you and protect you from every bad thing.

If you ever find yourself in the mid-Atlantic and desire to meet the very best hairdresser and colorist, go to the Salon and meet Bren. She's an angel. :)

What do you do when you see the train wreck coming?

2012-01-05T10:23:00.001-05:00

What do you do?

I've read in the Bible that God has gifted his believers with spiritual gifts. There are a few places where this is mentioned, but for sake of brevity, let's focus on just 1 Corinthians 12. In this passage there is a list of spiritual gifts: administration, apostle, discernment, faith, healing, helps, knowledge, miracles, prophecy, teaching, tongues interpretation and wisdom.

This is quite a list. And there are a few things on the list I have never seen manifested in any of the church people I've come into contact with in my short (read - 54 years) life. I would love to have run into a real healer. I see the healers on tv and, well..., I just don't believe it. I want to have faith, but I cannot muster it up for the guy with the giant comb-over or whoever else is charging big money for the healings.

It seems to me most people who believe in the gifts of the spirit and most people who believe they possess one or more of these gifts are fairly "out there" about them. I can't tell you how many people I've met who have been gifted by teaching or knowledge or administration or discernment or faith. Yep, they are out there. I'm glad they know their gifts and I'm glad they are proud of them. I'm also glad they are willing to use them. Hopefully they will use them to serve others and not themselves. I can always hope.

I've never been proud or happy about the spiritual gift I believe I have. It scares me. When I've shared it, people don't care much for me. I was thinking about this while I was away from church and prior to returning to an organized church. I decided, I'm not going to share my spiritual gift with anyone in the church. While pondering this decision I spent time l discovering what happened to other people gifted similarly.

Isaiah: suffered martyrdom by being sawn in two.
Jeremiah: suffered martyrdom by stoning
Ezekiel: suffered martyrdom in the land of the Chaldeans
Daniel: Saved from martyrdom in a lion's den by angels
Micah: suffered martyrdom in Jehoram
Amos: tortured by Amaziah and then martyred
Johan: remember being in the belly of a giant fish, yeah, he lived
Nahum: died in peace (yay)
Habakkuk: died two years before Israel was released from Babylonian captivity
Zephaniah: I didn't discover how he died
Haggai: ditto
Malachi: died young
Nathan: died old, but pissed off David regarding his infidelity with Bathsheba, so I'll bet his life wasn't so much fun after that.
There are more, but the bottom line is this. Most people didn't like what they had to say.

Yep, these were the prophets. It seems, most people do not want to hear what the prophets have to say. Even if what they have to say is, "Hey, stop what you are doing. There is a train coming. Hey, you are going to get hit by a train."

I've thought, for quite a while, that my spiritual gift is prophecy. Not the kind that knows what the lottery numbers are (darn it). Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just the kind of prophecy that mom's have. I don't think it gives me the right to say anything I want. I don't really know how to explain it. I've discovered when I share my thoughts about God stuff in God centered activities, it isn't always well received. (even when the result is exactly as I predicted) As I write this, I see how strange this sounds. As I find myself back in church and moving closer to God and spending more time with God, ~~the visions~~ the desire to share my thoughts with others is returning, as well. I don't like this.

Thanks for letting me share this dilemma with you. I welcome all criticism and correction on this. I'm open to your opinions. :)

Making friends

2012-01-04T12:57:00.000-05:00

Am I a good friend? I sit with my coffee cup warming my hands and wonder if I am a good friend to the people in my life. My struggle is with being myself to those around me and wanting to be liked. How are the two held in balance? I have no advice for myself.

I remember the golden rule. Be kind. Treat others as you would like to be treated. People like to be around cheerful people. What if I'm not cheerful this day. Am I fake if I put on a happy face? Maybe I should warn my friends, "I'm sad today." Then watch them back away.

A smile is contagious. Are tears contagious, too? What about truth? Do these pants look good on me? Or is saying nothing at all the better choice. "Words fitly spoken are like apples of gold in pitchers of silver." This is what the plaque over the buffet in the dining room said. Are the fit words flattery or truth or... what?

Am I a good friend? I've lost some friends this past year. I haven't been able to be who they wished me to be. I didn't measure up. On a good day I'll tell myself we just weren't a good fit. On a different day I'll blame them for their selfishness. On any other day I'll tell myself I failed. What makes a friend? Acceptance? Appreciation? Similar interests?

My coffee is cold now. I haven't found an answer.

I will continue to be the best me I can be and we will see if others are drawn to me. It's all I can do.

2012, the secret to living well

2012-01-03T10:40:00.000-05:00

I was hoping to blog about my New Year's resolutions and changes I want to make in my behaviors, etc. Instead, I'm going to write about the lessons I learned from falling in the shower this morning while getting ready to return to work after my 10-day break.

First of all, I heard this truth quite a few years ago. Here goes, "The secret to living well into your old age is, Don't Fall Down."

This is the truth, people. Don't fall down. If you fall when you are a young person, it's annoying. When you fall, as an older person, it is devastating. Luckily, I didn't hurt myself too bad in this particular fall. I'm not going to kid myself. I'm going to be feeling aches and pains from this slip and fall for quite a while. As I sit here in this cold room I can feel my lower back seizing up. I can feel my left wrist beginning to hurt. (and I don't really remember what I did to my wrist. I guess I tried to catch myself. hilarious.) And, my butt hurts. (tmi?)

What have I learned from this experience? I mean, what's the point of surviving a near-tragic accident if we don't learn anything from it.

The first thing I learned is, clean up after yourself. Yesterday, I took a bubble bath to relax. I can't remember the last time I took a bubble bath, but there you have it. At the end of the bath I thought it would be a good idea to give myself an invigorating scrub with a sea-salt/oil scrub I have had sitting by the side of the tub for longer than I can remember. It seemed like a good idea to begin the new year by exfoliating all the dead cells from my 2011 body. I rinsed off and let the water drain away. I dried myself off and dressed for my small group bible study. Here's where I made my first mistake. I should have rinsed out the tub. I should have cleaned all the residual oil out of the tub. The slip and fall would have been avoided and I would be writing about exercise or dieting or smiling more often, whatever. Clean up after yourself. This is a good resolution to make for 2012. It will save you a world of hurt and, seriously, all your family members (read - wives or moms) will love you all the more. :)

Secondly, I learned I really need to strengthen my abdominal muscles. I have to admit, I fell fairly slowly, as falls go. Had I had stronger abs, I may not have fallen all the way to the ground. I may have been able to catch myself and not hit bottom quite so hard. So, here is the ubiquitous new year resolution, exercise more in 2012. I think having a strong core can save a world of hurts. It is certainly good for balance and supporting a lower back.

Lastly, function over form. I don't have a non-slip bath mat in my tub because I've always thought they look ugly. I depended on the slight texture imprinted on the porcelain bottom of the tub. Big Mistake. I will be going out shopping for a non-slip bath mat for my tub as soon as possible. Form following function. This is an architectural truism and I'm going to make it a credo in my life. Ornamental foo-foo is not essential. It has, in fact, become dangerous as I grow older. As I write this, I see this lesson goes to another ubiquitous resolution, clearing clutter. Form over function. If it does not have a function in my home or my life, it does not need to be in my home or my life. This year I will be ruthless in the quest for minimalism in my life.

It seems this post has ended up to be a resolution post without even trying. Happy New Year and a Blessed 2012 to you all. Now, back to the grindstone, salt mine, get your ass in gear, get back in the saddle, or whatever work idiom you like to use. The vacation is over. :)

2011, you flew by so fast

2011-12-30T13:33:00.000-05:00

January
I quit the church. I quit the church lady bible study. I wanted to quit my job. Tried to get back into an exercise routine. Started taking Tamoxifen and started blogging with the purpose of seeing my thoughts in black and white and seeing what I could do to become a happier girl.

February
I became introspective about my responsibility for my own happiness. I decided to change negative thoughts into positive thoughts. I had a confrontation with my boss about his responsibility to back me up in some of the decision making I needed to do to do my job, properly. I struggled to adjust to the lousy side-effects of Tamoxifen.

March
I began a 40-day yoga exercise. I discovered I'm not a huge fan of yoga at this point in my life. I decided to forgive the church ladies. I forgave them for me, not for them. I later discovered, they weren't quite done with me. Maybe I'll tell you about it some time. My mother-in-law passed away. I think this is when the year started getting super tough for our little family.

April
Silver prices soared to a long-time high price and I started selling silver. I sold silver for my husband and for my father. I made a few shekels and maxed myself out of my favorite hobby, eBay. I got a handle on my job and became much more content at work, even though there were no raises for us again this year. (5 years without a raise. yuk)

May
Osama Bin Laden was eliminated. I continued my struggle with the side-effects of Tamoxifen. I struggled with the testing for possible uterine cancer. I went on vacation to Daytona Beach. I learned a lot about myself this month. The biggest thing I learned was that I treat myself cheaply. I decided to make a change in this regard. I am important and deserve to be considered in all decisions I make.

June
I continued selling silver on eBay. I became more accepting of myself and my body. I accepted the hot flashes and night sweats. This is my new normal.

July
I went to San Diego, CA for the 4th of July. It was a great vacation. I decided I want to move to San Diego when we retire. It was HOT in the mid-Atlantic. REALLY HOT. I continued on my self-acceptance journey. I, kinda, love this.

August
I froze peaches and made pickles. Our family traveled to Indiana to lay my mother-in-law to rest. Things didn't go smoothly with the siblings, but in the end, we came together and did the thing just right. I finished the long ordeal of testing for uterine cancer and learned I was cancer-free. :) We suffered a tree through our roof and my son's car was crushed by a tree as a result of Hurricane Irene. :(

September
I went to Reno, NV for the Tailhook convention. We struggled with the insurance company and contractors to get our home and car repaired. This took up most of the month. Sorry.

October
We continued the house repair. My job became extra challenging. Mold caused two residence halls to be shut down and the college hired a cruise ship to house the students. I learned more about maritime law and mold than I ever wanted to know. My son totaled his car by hitting a telephone pole a mere two weeks after getting it back from being repaired from having a tree land on it. But, grandma had left him a green mustang convertible and he wasn't injured too bad. Lucky.

November
I started going to church again. I got involved in a small group bible study. I reconnected to my faith and I'm starting to trust church people again. I've always trusted God, but his people make me nervous. Most of the house repairs are complete. Just one window replacement to go. We went to Williamsburg, VA for Thanksgiving. All three of us.

December
I prepared for and celebrated CHRISTMAS. I mean, if you are the mom of the house, what else do you have time to do?

It's good to see the highlights of the year on one page. I see it's been almost a year since I've been with my parents, so I better schedule a trip to Illinois. Yes, 2011, you were a challenging year. I learned a lot about myself and my family. I learned when the going gets tough, our family can handle it. I'm very proud of us. I think 2012 is going to be great.

Initiative

2011-12-29T16:22:00.000-05:00

I know I've written about "eating the frog" and getting the tough stuff done first, but developing initiative is something I struggle to have as a quality in myself and to teach to my son.

I'm currently on my winter break from work. I work at a state college. The state gives the staff the week between Christmas and New Year off work. I often use this time as an opportunity to get away and visit my parents. This year, however, I decided to stay home and reclaim my guest room and get a few more chores done around the house.

When I say I want to reclaim my guest room, I mean, I want to get all my son's stuff out of the guest room. When a tree fell on our house during Hurricane Irene, it fell on the part of the roof over my son's room. At that moment I told my son to hurry and get all his stuff out of his room and put it in the guest room. I told him the ceiling could collapse at any time and if he wanted to save his stuff he had to get it out of his room as quick as possible. After shouting in his face to snap him out of the shock he seemed to be in, he did just as I asked.

In the meantime, the drywall on the ceiling has been repaired, and painted, and the carpet has been cleaned. Now I have two rooms in utter chaos.

I am trying to motivate my son to get his room back in order. In the process, I'm encouraging him to cull his possessions. He has a serious amount of stuff. Most of his stuff involves electronics and games. There are a lot of wires and controllers and STUFF.

My son does not have a lot of initiative. It seems he is paralyzed by the job set before him. I can understand this paralysis, to a certain extent. I struggle with a lack of initiative when it comes to doing something new. Something I have never done before. I get scared. Even though the project may not be difficult, I find myself struggling to take the first step.

Today I am encouraging (read, nagging) my son to clear my guest room of his STUFF. I'm trying to help him by giving him one box of stuff at a time to sort through, and then decide whether to keep or toss or sell. So far, today is going pretty well. (and by well, I mean we are not screaming at each other and some progress is being made)

The new project I want to start is to begin selling stuff on facebook. I've discovered an on-line yard sale group in my area. There are over 4000 members in this group. I joined the group. Now I need to start taking pictures and start pricing. If this goes well, I can be having a yard sale every day of the week. I'll let you know how I do.

Ps. Another project I want to accomplish today is to make pounds of meatballs. I bought a BUNCH of loose sausage from a local pig farmer. I love to make spaghetti and meatballs and Italian wedding soup. I need to make a bunch of big and tiny meatballs. It's a lot of fun. :)

The best Christmas, EVER!

2011-12-27T09:13:00.001-05:00

Another Christmas has come and gone. There is so much hype and anticipation leading up to this holiday of Holidays... and then it is over. Good. Christmas is over. I can breath a sigh of relief and say I've completed another Christmas. I remember way back in November I thought about doing Christmas differently this year. I think I was fairly successful at accomplishing this goal. I remember I didn't even feel like putting up the tree. There is something about the unattainable joy of the holiday surrounded by a seemingly effortless abundance of Christmas accoutrement that I always find myself falling short. You know what I'm talking about. Right?

You see the Christmas movies with the mom coming out and carrying the golden brown turkey to the beautifully set table. You see the platters of assorted Christmas cookies and the wasp-waisted mom in an starched and lacy apron. You see the fire blazing in the fireplace and hear the Christmas music wafting throughout the house. You see children smiling and playing with their toys. You see adults smiling and engaged in conversations about happy Christmas memories or hopes and dreams for the future.

If you were at my house, very little of this was evident. (we did have a fire in the fireplace.)

I did Christmas differently this year. I am pleased I was able to make this Christmas a real season of giving. I'm happy my time spent shopping and wrapping were mostly for children I would never meet and they would never know who I am. This was a very happy part of my Christmas. The only drawback, if you can call it a drawback, was the fact this charitable part of my Christmas had to be accomplished so early in the season. By Christmas Day, these actions were distant memories. I thought we might spend time thinking and talking about the children on the receiving end of our Christmas, but we didn't. What we did was open one or two gifts given to each other with love. (and the underwear and socks I gave to my son. these are not necessarily a love gift, but a gift of practicality.)

However, this Christmas was one of the best, at the Happy Girl house, EVER!

This year we had unexpected guests join us for Christmas dinner. We had agreed to care for our neighbor's dog while they traveled for the holiday. They called on the Friday before Christmas and informed us they had made a U-turn on their way to Ohio and were returning home. Their son had started feeling ill. My husband and I decided to invite them to join us for Christmas dinner. He had purchased a HUGE beef rib roast. It was so big. Our neighbors were happy to be invited to join us for dinner and last minute plans were hatched. (this may have been a happy accident or maybe... it was, meant to be.)

All I had to do was clean the kitchen, cook the meal, put away all the ornament boxes I had stashed in the dining room, set the table, dress and do my hair and give the impression this was all, effortless.

I wrestled the 12 lb. rib roast into the oven, smeared with a mustard and herb crust. Chopped dozens of turnips, sweet potatoes, onions, carrots and parsnips. Braised piles of greens and make a peach pie. I was sweating like a pig.

The special joy I received at this Christmas came in the form of my husband and my son. I don't know if you remember my long ago post titled Procrastination. In that post I had a list of "to do" items. One item on the list, wash all the mildew off the front door of my house, had not been completed. I asked my husband and son if this would be something they would do for me. They would and they did. I think this was the best thing they could have done for me. It made me so happy. I love the way my front door looks now. This was such an act of love. I am so grateful. It made cooking the dinner and cleaning the house a joy.

So, even though no Christmas music was playing in my house. Even though no children were smiling and playing with toys. Even though there was no wasp-waisted mom bearing platters of assorted Christmas cookies. No golden brown turkey on a grape garnished platter. No family members dressed in Sunday best.

My Christmas found a table full of lively conversation with good neighbors, plates full of good food and glasses full of cheer.

It was, maybe, the best Christmas, EVER.

What I've learned from blogging

2011-12-22T11:23:00.000-05:00

As I wrap up this first year of "blogging with a purpose" I'm taking a moment to reflect on this process. What have I learned by blogging?

One thing I learned about myself is I can be disciplined. I looked back at this year and I see I was pretty darn consistent. My desire was to discipline myself to write a post four or five times each week. I wanted to do it, and I did it. This is very encouraging to me. It shows me when I put my mind to do something, I can do it.

Another thing I learned about myself was my journey on Tamoxifen went better than I thought it would. It was good to have a place to write down my feelings about how my body and my thought process was being effected by the drug. I was told Tamoxifen can cause depression in some people. I think seeing my feelings and complaints written down in black and white kept me from letting thoughts BLOW UP in my mind to a degree much greater than they actually are in reality. I think the writing process allowed me to vent some feelings into the void and not sit and stew in them. It also gave me a time-line to follow my progress on the drug. I think this not only helped me, but it helped me relay my side effects to my doctor and, I feel, blogging improved the level of health care I received.

I discovered some very kind people out there in the blogosphere. I have some very faithful readers and I've received much encouragement through their comments. I've had family reading my blog and received a couple compliments. (this is a bigger deal than you may think. my family is not known for complimenting each other. not the greatest way to interact, but this is the way we are. I'm making efforts to change this in myself.) I've met a couple bloggers in person through this process and my life is richer for it. I've found blogs and bloggers through this experience that have taught me much. I don't think I would have found their blogs had I not become a blogger myself.

I grew in my faith through bloggers I discovered through blogging. It was good to find other bloggers with a strong faith. Bloggers working through tough things that can happen any one of us as we walk this earth and reading about them leaning so hard on Jesus through it all. They inspire me. It was so good to find believers not looking for what they could "get" from a church (read; beg for money) and looking to "give" through church. These bloggers gave me a sliver of hope for the church in the world today.

I've become a better writer through blogging. The discipline of nearly daily writing changed the way I think about my writing. I added more detail. It forced me to look at the situations I was writing about from, not only my point of view, but the point of view of my reader and whether or not I was making myself clear in my writing. Since I don't have images on my blog, I need to make my words tell the story. I need to be descriptive. I think it helped my proofreading, too. If need be, I'm going to use this as a training exercise for my job. :)

Writing this blog has been a very positive experience for me. It's been wonderful to be open and "out there" with my feelings, the good feelings and the bad feelings. Nothing good can come from hiding in your house and only sharing with sycophants and children. I took the risk and shared my thoughts with ANYONE who chose to read my words. I learned from both the criticism and the compliments, alike. I can't think of anything I would have done differently or wish I wouldn't have written. My only desires would be to learn to take better pictures, get more tech savvy and keep improving my writing skills. These are all doable. I am so looking forward to 2012.

My break, from work, begins tomorrow. I, most likely, will not be posting until after the new year. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Christmas tree haiku

2011-12-21T12:36:00.000-05:00

Bare tree with baubles
Silver icicles drip down
Can you see the cross?

My top TEN blog posts of 2011

2011-12-20T13:48:00.001-05:00

I'm distracted with the things the mom of the family is tasked with at Christmastime. I'm sending out my Christmas cards (btw, if you'd like one sent to you through snail mail, just email your postal addy and I will be happy to send you one), baking cookies (yes, I did do some baking. there was much cussing and unhappiness, but it got DONE), wrapping gifts (I have no idea why one must have ovaries to accomplish this task, but there you have it), and cleaning up the house as needed. So...

I found a blog encouraging bloggers to post their 10 most popular blog posts of the year as a blog topic at the Holiday Season (aka as Christmas, but I have readers from all over the world and I don't want to alienate anyone). The following are links to my most popular blog posts and I added the reason I think they were so popular. Of course, I don't actually KNOW why, so the reason for the popularity will be merely conjecture on my part. Please enjoy.

Three blogs I love
This is a blogging trick one can use when the blogger cannot come up with an interesting topic. Instead, the blogger can choose other bloggers who write wonderful blogs and share them with the world. I still like these bloggers very much.

I'm not a perfect person
I was searching my soul to discover the difference between being good and being perfect. I don't want to be a perfect person. I don't think the monster exists.

What is church
I hope this post was popular because of all the seekers out there in the world. I know I was seeking a church and trying to figure out what church meant to me and whether I wanted it or not. Maybe others were seeking as well.

56 similes found in the Post or hs student papers (or neither, but they're still hilarious)
A blog post picked up off the internet that made me laugh so hard I felt I needed to share the joy.

My great expectations
I think this is a popular post among high school students looking for a book report on the Dickens classic of the same name. I hope they learn something about integrity when they find this post, but I'm thinking they just move on to the next.

15 Adult Truths
These truths were found on my Google+ feed. It was actually 23 adult truths, but I thought these 15 were the funniest, so I posted them. Hence, another time when I was stuck for a blog post and needed some help. I'm glad so many people liked it.

Gratitude 101
I hope the reason for the popularity of this post is a desire for increased gratitude among people of the world. Or maybe, it may be me riding the coat tails of the VERY POPULAR Ann Voskamp's blog.

Happy Birthday to my son
This one seems fairly obvious to me. People are searching for birthday ideas and find my post by mistake. I loved writing this post. I hope, some day, my son decides to read my blog and finds this post. It's the reason I have the list of my Top Posts on the blog. It there just so he will see it some day.

I took an arrow in the chest
The guess for the reason of the popularity of this blog is, I believe, the image I used at the bottom of the post. Evidently this must be some kind of Boy Scout badge. I think I've disappointed a lot of scout leaders in their search for a badge. I do like the post. It was a turning point in my pursuit of my goal to learn to say nothing when there is nothing to be said to help a bad situation and speaking will only make it worse.

My MOST popular post - Stuff love
The only thing I can guess regarding the enormous popularity of this post is the possible link to porn and self love, aka as Junk love. I don't think this many people are actually cleaning out their closets. I see Self Storage facilities popping up everywhere I go. People, in general, LOVE THEIR STUFF.
Oh. that may be the reason! Maybe they didn't see I was using the Sarcasm font.

Words with friends

2011-12-19T14:35:00.000-05:00

This is my new obsession. It's kind of like Scrabble, but it's different in some essential ways.

It's my obsession because it's an app on my iPhone and I love playing with my phone. Also, I'm good at it. I'm good at it in a way I was never good at the regular Scrabble game. I can beat my husband on this game almost every time we play. Sadly, we sit next to each other on the couch and play Words with Friends while we watch tv. Yep, even I think this is weird, but there you have it.

How is it different from Scrabble and why does this work better for me? First, it has more Triple Word spaces. Secondly, you can guess at words without being humiliated by your husband and mil. "Of course YI isn't a word!" (see, on WWF you can submit the word and the app will tell you it isn't a word and nobody needs to know the difference) This allows for a LOT of guessing. I'm super good at guessing, so this works for me. Lastly, I play this game with my husband when he is super tired and not thinking on all cylinders. I think this is key.

WWF is a fun game and a great way to waste time. Just don't be like Alec Baldwin and get so into the game you can't be civil and get kicked off an airplane and make everyone wait and make the flight late because you think you are better than everyone else and then do a crappy apology on SNL that nobody believes anyway.

Happy Monday. :)

Eat the frog

2011-12-16T10:19:00.000-05:00

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day." Mark Twain

This is my new credo. Eat the frog.

To maximize my productivity at work and at home I do the most important, most challenging, hardest, most unliked task of my day first thing in the morning. I look at it as a test for myself. I don't even think about the challenge, I just dive in and get it done. Yes, I'm a GTDer. I find, even if I don't accomplish everything on my list of things to do, I still feel a great sense of accomplishment because I've completed a difficult and important task this day. I've started doing this at work and it has made a huge difference.

I'd like to make a new year's resolution to exercise first thing in the morning and have that be a frog on my plate. I know, I know... I've said a lot about exercise and haven't followed through. I think I'm in a big club on that point. I've often had big plans for the new year and hope to turn over a new leaf. I'm doing it again. I'm not giving up on myself.

I'm going to eat the frog. Then then the rest of my day will be cake. Right?

www.eatthatfrogmovie.com

My small life

2011-12-15T12:11:00.000-05:00

I've been reflecting on this year of blogging as 2011 is drawing to a close. As I think about it, I realize, I live a pretty small life. By this, I mean, I have pretty small wants and desires. My dreams for my life are pretty small. I don't think a small life is a bad thing. In fact, I think if I were to choose the life I would have, I would choose this life I'm living with very few changes.

I know I've done a lot to make my life the small life it is. I've decided I want to buy local foodstuffs for my family and shop in local stores. We have a Walmart in our town. In the 16 years of it's doors opening, I've entered this store less than a dozen times. It's just not where I choose to shop. There are a couple new chain department stores in my town and I haven't been in them yet. Clothes shopping isn't my favorite diversion. I buy all my produce at a local farm. I buy my meat from local farmers. I buy my eggs and cheese from local farmers. This is a decision our family has made.

Because of the "buying local" food thing, I have to cook my meals at home. Going out to a restaurant is a rare occurrence for my family. It's not that we can't afford it. It's that we choose to eat the food we have already purchased and eat at home. I am so grateful for the internet and the various cooking blogs out there. There are so many homesteading blogs with women choosing to can and preserve summer bounty. I find so much inspiration out there in the blogosphere.

I don't wear the most fashionable clothing. This works out well for me, as I don't attend fancy parties and events. If I do have to attend an event, I find something in my closet I have worn before and it gets another night out on the town. I don't feel bad about this. The reality of the situation is, the clothes I wear to work don't make me do a better job and the clothes I wear to a party don't make my personality any more sparkling than it already is.

I don't redecorate my house very often. I'm satisfied with the furniture and decor I chose early in my marriage and have made it work for every house we have lived in throughout my husband's naval career and second career years. It's so much fun to think back to the days when our kitchen table served as an end table and to remember the compliments we received on our various homes.

My husband wanted to expand my life this past year by traveling more. We went on a lot of vacations this past year. I have to say, it was a bit tough on me. I'm not ungrateful. I love travel and I had a great time on each trip. Maybe if the hurricane hadn't broken my house I would have had an easier time being away from home. I don't know. I felt a bit disconnected and pushed for time to get my house fixed and back in order. There are still quite a few things that need to be fixed and organized. I'm looking forward to my Christmas break to get some jobs done around the house. Maybe this means I'm a "homebody." I don't know.

My hopes and dreams for my family are small, as well. I want them to be happy. I want them to be a contribution to society and to be generous to those in need. I want my son to be able to live independently and to like his job. I want to teach my son how to make his money work for him while he is working to earn his money.

The most important people in my life are family. I wish my mother lived closer to me, but she would probably want my father to come with her and I like him just where he is. I have wonderful friends. They are interesting and fun to hang around with. My entertainment needs are small and my son has introduced me to Netflix streaming. It's not great, but there is a TON of South Park on it.

My job is pretty small. I'm a secretary. And, I've recently discovered, through an "ALL STAFF" email from the president that I'm a non-essential employee. It appears of the approximately 250 staff members where I work, only 18 of them were deemed essential and given raises. Evidently, my boss is one of the essential employees. Gee, I wonder if I helped him out at all? I guess he did great all on his own. *He's Awesome* (sarcasm)

So, there you have it. I love my life. It's been fun to share a bit of it with my readers and even meeting a couple of you. I'm looking forward to 2012. I'm looking forward to sharing more of my life's journey with you and focusing on being happy on the journey.


kevinsmicrohomestead.wordpress.com

Angels

2011-12-14T14:00:00.000-05:00

I've been studying about angels lately. Boy, what I don't know about angels could fill a book. And, thankfully, there are books about angels. Christmas certainly brings angels to mind. We sing about them. We top our trees with them. We read the Christmas story and they're in it. We see them on our creches. Since I haven't finished the study, I won't be able to write a definitive blog post regarding angels, but maybe I'll whet your appetite.

This is what I have learned about angels, thus far. First of all, angels are described in the Bible as masculine. The best known angels have man's names; there is Michael, Gabriel and Lucifer. Angels are supposed to be asexual. There was one time, in Genesis, this rule was broken, but I haven't studied this part yet, so I won't comment any further on angel sex. All the angels that exist have been created and they do not procreate. There are a lot of angels. The highest number in the Bible is 10,000, so the Bible says there are 10,000 times 10,000. I believe this means there are a LOT of angels. Angels are immortal.

There are no baby angels. We do not turn into angels when we die and go to heaven.

Angels must be very fearsome to behold. It seems every time an angel interacts with a human the angel must begin his message with "fear not." After reading the complicated description of angels in the book of Ezekiel, I think angels must be AMAZING to look at. Of course, angels can look just like human beings sometime. We are told we can entertain angels and be unaware of it. Abraham describes the angels that came to visit him and give him the news of the coming birth of his son Isaac as "men." They ate. They washed. They rested. They spoke his language. The Ezekiel angels were called cherubim. These angels are described as four-faced, six-winged, glowing, giant, floating, loud creatures. They sounded frightening.

I think the art of the Renaissance period made us think of angels as feminine.

I think angels must be able to appear as they need to appear for the task they are sent to accomplish. I think angels can be invisible, when needed, as well.

Angels do not understand our salvation. This is a foreign concept to them. On the other hand, angels rejoice when any of us accept the grace of Jesus Christ. They rejoice as God rejoices.

Angels worship God. Angels praise God. They worship and praise unceasingly. Angels obey God. I haven't studied about the angels that didn't obey God, so I'm going to have to leave this for a later post, as well.

Finally, we are not to worship angels. We are not to pray to angels. Angels can carry our prayers to God as carrying incense in bowls of gold, but we don't pray TO them.

I hope this tiny post with the tiny bit of knowledge I've gleaned regarding angels has peaked your interest. I'm looking forward to learning more about angels. I'm going to keep the angel at the top of my Christmas tree, but I know she was made in the likeness of a woman only to make it easier for her to sit atop the tree.

Angels don't look like this.

Tamoxifen, the first year

2011-12-13T18:05:00.000-05:00

It's my Tamoxifen anniversary. Today I went up to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. Isn't that a mouthful. It used to be Bethesda Naval Medical Center, but no more. Walter Reed Army Hospital on Georgia Ave. is closed and has been completely integrated into the NEW Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda. Anyway, today was the day for my annual check-up. I'm sure my older lady readers know what I am talking about. Fun stuff.

One year on Tamoxifen down and four more to go. Oh boy.

To be completely honest, it's getting a little better. The 9 p.m. hot flash has stopped being an every day occurrence and dwindled to about three times a week. I still have the 7:30 a.m. hot flash every morning on my drive into work. However, I do have the option of cranking the AC in the car to North Pole and it does help quite a bit. Since it's December and the climate in my neck of the woods has become seasonal, I just open the window. Sweet relief.

However, the night sweats have not diminished one little bit. They are the bane of my existence. There is nothing worse than finding your entire body on fire in the middle of the night, whipping off the covers to discover your body's fire department called in your sweat glands to work overtime. Now you have a soaking wet nightie and frigid air and a wet spot on the bed that feels like ice. Gee, I hope you don't have any trouble falling back to sleep after this episode. You do? Gee, that's a shame. I had been taking benadryl and it had been helping, but my doctor told me benadryl reduces the effect Tamoxifen has on the estrogen receptors on breast cells. And since the whole point of taking this medicine is for it to be effective, No More Benadryl. Bummer.

I think my doc is going to look for something to help me sleep. She seems to be acting like she cares about me a bit more lately. Or, maybe the giant bags under my eyes have convinced her I'm sleep deprived. Whichever, I'm going to get some help.

All in all, I'm finding my days on Tamoxifen going a bit better. Oh, and I lost 5 lbs. without really trying. This is always good. So, only four more years on Tamoxifen... It looks worse when I see it written down like that. :)

Christmas memory

2011-12-12T14:55:00.000-05:00

Today I'm going to make an effort to retell a Christmas memory from my childhood. As I've told you in my profile description, writing is not what I do. Bear with me as a make an effort to tell a story and not make it sound as if Jack Webb forced it out of me. :)

It was Christmas Eve in single family brick ranch style house in a southwestern suburb of Chicago, IL. Christmas Eve was sort of a big deal in our family once we children grew old enough to stay up past 8:00 p.m. and interact with the adults in a polite and fairly interesting way. In other words, the adults enjoyed our company and we no longer felt the need to be the center of attention in the room. My mother would host a Christmas Eve cocktail party for our family and any neighbors lucky enough to be invited. The party began when we returned home from our Christmas Eve church service. This particular year I was 15 years old. This would have made my younger twin brothers just ready to turn 14 on December 26th and my youngest brother on the brink of being 10 years old on December 27th. Yep, Christmastime was a pretty festive time at my house. We had Christmas dinner on Christmas Day. Then TWO birthday cakes on December 26th. Then ANOTHER birthday cake on December 27th. There was no way anyone was going to be avoiding the Christmas calories at my house. I digress.

On Christmas Eve my mother would host a Christmas Eve cocktail party with heavy hors d'oeuvres and cocktails. Even though cocktails were not on the menu for my brothers and me, we were served our soft drinks in cocktail glasses and allowed to feel very grown up. My mother was a creature of habit. We had spicy sausage meatballs in sweet and tangy sauce, little mini pizzas on party rye toast, pigs in blankets, candy cane cookies, cheese straws, and more. It was a 1960's cocktail party in 1972. It was perfect. My mom worked all day to get ready for this holiday event. I'm sure she even let me help her prepare, but I don't remember for sure.

We dressed in our Christmas finest for church back in those days. My dress was a black bodice with red skirting. I believe, the bodice was some type of polyester velvet. I'm sure I looked beautiful. At 15 I considered myself an adult, although no one else in my family did. Off to church we went. It was a happy time. I remember, it began to snow as we returned home from church. It was so exciting. Christmas Eve, a party, snow... what more could be wished for.

As we tumble out of the Country Squire Ford station wagon and walked up the small stairway into the family room of our home. Low and behold, there in our tiny family room, next to the fireplace, kneeling at the base of our Christmas tree, was SANTA! Seriously, SANTA!

Now, I didn't believe in Santa anymore, did I? I mean, I was 15 years old. Of course, I wasn't sure if my little brothers believed, so I wasn't going to say anything to burst their bubbles. But, if there was no Santa, who was in my family room? I mean, I was giving this guy a hard look up and down. Anyway, it all happened so fast. We walked into the room, Santa stood up quickly, he wished us a Merry Christmas and scooted out the door as quick as you can say, "Bob's your uncle" and was gone. It was magical. We saw the footprints in the ashes in the fireplace. There were cookie crumbs and half a glass of milk on the counter. And then the doorbell rang and the neighbors began to trickle in for the party. I was still wide eyed with a combination of disbelief and wonder at the events that had just occurred before my very eyes. My brothers were feeling the same thing. But, who was that bearded man? We couldn't figure it out. This was my most memorable Christmas. And it happened to me long after the magic of Christmas has left most homes. I love my mom and dad for plotting and planning this wonderful Christmas experience for my brothers and me. Such love. So magical. It was such a Merry Christmas.

wikipedia

Fear Not

2011-12-08T13:03:00.000-05:00

I heard, somewhere, that the Bible says "Fear Not" or some form of don't be afraid 365 times. I did some research, because this just sounded too cute to be true. I'm sorry to burst anyone's bubble out there in the blogosphere (even you blogstalkers :)) but, it doesn't.

In the King James version there are 74 fear nots and 29 be not afraids.
In the New American Standard version there are 4 fear nots, 57 do not fears, and 46 do not be afraids.

You can check all the other translations or versions or whatever you call them, for the stats in those.

Here is my point. This week held a lot of drama in the Happy Girl family. One of our family received a notice that one of our members was being sued for injury claims said to have been received in a car accident. Another of our family was considering leaving their job due to differences of values in the company. And, our BRAND NEW roof is leaking. There are a couple other things that happened, too.

Even though there is not a Fear Not for every day of the week, I am not afraid. Even if God told me only once, Fear Not, I'd believe him and not be afraid. I have nothing to fear, for if God is for me, who can be against me. NO ONE. Not bosses that don't have your back. Not insurance swindlers. Not blogstalkers. Not rain clouds and water. There is not one person or thing I need to fear.

The shepherds were in the fields tending their flocks and the angel of the Lord appeared to them and said "Don't be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy...a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."

Are you a loser?

2011-12-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

And now for something completely different. I wasn't too surprised at my result in the loser test. It may be due to my lack of tattoos and sexual piercings and my penchant for professional golf, but I don't know for sure. Feel free to take a break from your holiday baking, shopping, cleaning, wrapping, or whatever else you're supposed to be doing and find out where you stand. After all, it's good to have confirmation. :)

Collin, he's 10 years old

2011-12-06T10:22:00.002-05:00

I wasn't able to find an Angel Tree this year. However, after talking to my study group, we decided to "adopt" two families for Christmas. I was assigned Collin, he's 10 years old. When these families are selected to be made available for Christmas "adoption" the children are asked to make a list of Christmas gifts they would like to receive. To me, it sounds a lot like asking Santa for gifts, but instead of going in one ear and out the other, these kids will have a shot at actually getting the things they want for Christmas. So, you can call me Santa, Collin. It's crystal clear I have not been hanging around with many 10 year old boys lately. I'd like to share Collin's list. Any insight into what the heck some of these things are will be appreciated.

Pajama pants - size 10-12
Color Explosion 3D
Color Explosion Illusion
Color Explosion Glow Book
Color Explosion Glow Dome
Halo Character Masterchief
Connect 4 Sponge Bob
Sorry Spin
Sonic Book Volume 13
XBox 360 Disney Universe
XBox 360 Skylander
XBox 360 Spy Rose Adventure

Yikes!!! I know what pajama pants are. I'm fairly clear on Connect 4, however the Sponge Bob thing has me a bit baffled. Everything else is a mystery to me.

I'm very happy to be able to adopt Collin this Christmas. I hope he has a wonderful Christmas morning and feels the love. I have to have the gifts purchased and wrapped by Monday, so there is that pressure (I'm going to AC for the weekend). But, all in all, I'm loving it. So far this Christmas is turning out to be one of the best, EVER.

My tree is up. My house has lights on the outside. I bought ingredients for one type of cookies, but I'll make four batches for gifts. I'm anticipating the coming of my King. Today I read about Jesus being the servant of all. In Mark's gospel, Jesus took a child in his arms and told his disciples whoever received a child in his name would receive him, and the one who sent him. Today, I will focus on being a servant. The first person I will serve is Collin. He's 10 years old.

Linked to Emily at Imperfect Prose.

I'm a winner

2011-12-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

I am a winner in my life. This year I have done a complete 180 in my attitude about my job. This year I have become accepting of the next four years of my life on Tamoxifen and its side effects. This year I have become focused on being positive in my life and being a positive influence on others. This is why I am a winner. Jim Tressel shared 10 tips for leading a successful life. These tips can give you the encouragement and be a guide you need to become a winner in your own life.

1. Decide your purpose and set your goals

Success at any endeavor is not in the trappings of awards or trophies. Success is found in the peace of mind attained by knowing you have done your very best to become the best you, you are capable of being. Success is internal.

2. Develop an attitude of gratitude

Count your blessings. Stop whining about what you don't have and focus on what you have. I've been continuing to add to my gratitude list and it really does make an impact on how I view myself.

3. Create your own enthusiasm

We all know the law of inertia in physics. A body in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. Enthusiasm for yourself provides that forward motion. Of course there is always the possibility of being acted on by an outside force, but when you provide your own enthusiasm, you provide your own forward motion.

4. Discipline is a daily decision

Every day is a new day. Every day you can decide to do what you need to do and do it for just that day. No matter what the activity. Whether your activity is exercise, or study, or smiling, or cleaning house, or whatever, decide you will do this activity each day and focus on each day as its own entity.

5. Be your best where you are

Focus on the moment. This breaks the daily decision of discipline into small increments. Focus on the moment you find yourself and be your best. Just for that moment.

6. Pursue excellence

I've posted that doing anything for 10,000 hours will make you successful at it. Don't settle for mediocrity. Strive for excellence. Put in the time. Put in the effort.

7. Have faith and believe

Trust in something bigger than yourself. Have a faith in a higher power. Have a belief in your purpose. Having a faith and believing in your purpose is not about what you can accomplish. Faith is the foundation of who you are. Belief is the outward expression of that faith by what you do.

8. Learn from failure

Be persistent. Don't give up. Winners don't let failure stop them. Winners learn from their failures and try again. Quitters are never winners.

9. Be prepared for adversity

Adversity is not a question of "if." Adversity is a question of "when." Adversity will come our way. If our attitude is negative and we become defensive when faced with criticism, we will blame others and miss our opportunity to advance. Embrace the obstacles on your path to success.

10. Love

Love isn't about receiving pleasure from a person or pursuit. Love is about how much we want to give to a person or a pursuit. If we love something or someone, we want to give back.

Sunday 160 - Making bread

2011-12-04T12:02:00.000-05:00

Bad choices make great stories
Do they not?
Fodder & grist for the mill
Mixed with her tears
Baked with his ire
I will enjoy the fruits of my labor
With butter & jam

This is Monkey Man's last time hosting the Sunday 160. I didn't post here very often, but I loved the challenge of the 160. Fare thee well, Monkey Man.

56 similes found in in the Post or hs student papers (or neither, but they’re still hilarious)

2011-12-02T12:21:00.001-05:00

I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing. Especially to improve my poetry. I think similes are so helpful in bringing words to life. I found this HUGE list of similes and they are HILARIOUS. It's hard to tell where this list originated. Some say it was from a Washington Post contest. Others avow the list is collected from high school English teachers. Who cares? They are funny.

Feel free to select your favorites in the comments. :)

I hope your weekend is joyful and relaxing, like a stressful and sad work week isn't.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Shots rang out, as shots are apt to do.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
The knife was as sharp as the one used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.

"I wish my husband didn't have to go to work. EVER"

2011-12-01T15:22:00.000-05:00

I recently saw a fb status saying "I wish my husband didn't have to go to work. EVER." The posting of this status was quickly followed by dozens of likes and dozens of comments stating how much these commenting wives wanted their husbands home with them all day. How they LOVE to be together. How they NEED to talk to them and be with them. <3

After a few minutes of laughing out loud, I took a breath and thought about the feelings and thoughts behind these "likes" and comments.

Did these women really want their husband home with them so they could spend all day together, doing things together? Or, was it the desire for their husband to be home and to do their work FOR them? These posting, liking, commenting women were all stay at home moms with small children. These are women who had made a conscience choice to quit their jobs and stay home with their children. Don't get me wrong, I think being a SAHM is a wonderful thing to do. If your family can afford to do it or if you can adjust to living within the means of a one income family, I think it is the best thing you can do for your family. I also think, having made this decision, being a SAHM is a job. Part of the job is being the support the working spouse needs to continue to go back into the working world day after day. It doesn't mean your spouse works for you. What happened to the Proverbs 31 woman?

I know my mom thought I had it easy while I was home with my child. And, I did. I had a washer and dryer in my house. I had a dishwasher and a microwave oven. I had a VHS with as many Disney tapes as any child could view. I could afford to call long distance to my mom whenever I needed her. Compared to the 1950's and 1960's when my mother was home with my brothers and me, you bet I had it easier.

Now I'm looking at these women posting their status on facebook and having their status liked and commented on within a split second of posting. Are they on facebook ALL THE TIME? It makes me wonder. Where is the time spent playing with children? Where is the time spent reading to children? Cooking for them? Oh, and pouring a can of soup over rice isn't really cooking. Washing their clothes? Cleaning up after them? How do they have time to be on facebook so much? Btw, the status poster also commented that she and her husband emailed and called each other many times during the work day. So,it seems, neither of them are putting in a full day of work.

I saw a magnet on my mom's refrigerator. It said "Retirement, twice the husband, half the money."

This ^ is my future. I'm not saying I'm not looking forward to being retired. 'cause I am. I'm not saying I'm not looking forward to being with my husband ALL DAY. 'cause I am. I guess I'm saying, I may end up being on facebook a lot more. ;)

Participating in Advent

2011-11-30T11:22:00.000-05:00

Advent is the liturgical period preceding Christmas, beginning on the fourth Sunday before Christmas. The focus is the coming of Jesus at the Incarnation and observed by many Christians as a season of prayer, fasting and penitence.

Participating in Advent is a wonderful way to put the focus on what Christmas really is all about. Jesus was born to be a savior to the world. God come to earth, incarnate. Emmanuel.

I've never really focused on Advent in a personal way. Sure, I've seen the church pick a family to come up to the front during Sunday service and light a candle on the wreath and read a Bible verse and pray a prayer. This is usually quite entertaining as the small child lighting the candle brings all the suspense and tension of a disaster movie and the verse and prayer is usually inaudible and guessing what is being said makes the imagination wander into areas best not brought into the sanctuary. Advent always seemed, to me, to be made for children. I've seen Advent calendars with little doors to open with candy treats inside. It always looked like the countdown to Santa's arrival rather than the coming of the King.

I've discovered Advent reminds us to focus on the second coming of our King and reminds us to keep Jesus at the center of our lives. I know this is something I need to do. I've found myself at the center of my life for far too long, lately.

I've found an Advent app for my iPhone with a Bible study to guide me through Advent. I hope to learn more about Advent. I'd like to learn what the candles mean and why there is a pink candle. I'd like to move Jesus into the center of my thoughts and my life and, certainly, my Christmas. The first day begins with Simeon and Anna meeting the Holy family and witnessing a promise they each had waited every day to see fulfilled in their lifetimes. I want my Advent season filled with the anticipation of the coming of Christ, at Christmas and at the second coming. I hope to be able to share more of my discoveries with you as this ADVENTure in Advent unfolds.

Happy Advent. Oh come, Emmanuel.

Linking with Em at Imperfect Prose.

Missional ideas for "stay at home" missionaries

2011-11-29T14:12:00.000-05:00

This Christmas season I've been making an effort to focus outside myself and my family and focus on being intentional in making Christmas meaningful this year. Most of the effort I've put forward in this endeavor, thus far, has cost me money and very little time. I did the shoebox Christmas gifts and the Soldiers' Angels Christmas cards. These really didn't involve too much of my time. Today I'm focusing on being a Stay At Home missionary. This will involve more of my time than my money. I think it's a good thing. This is what I want to do to change the way I feel about my relationship with Jesus and the way I relate to people outside of a relationship with Jesus. Below are eight things we can do to treat our home towns and neighborhoods like the mission field they are. Of course, this isn't just a Christmas mission. But isn't Christmastime a wonderful time to start?

1. Eat with people far from God. People eat at least two times a day. Try to find a person to share lunch with at least three times a week.

2. Walk, don't drive. If you live in a walkable area, make a practice of getting out and walking around your neighborhood.

3. Be a regular. Instead of hopping all over the city for gas, groceries, eating out, and coffee, go to the same places.

4. Hobby with others. Pick a hobby you can share. Get out and do something you enjoy with others. Try a city league sport.

5. Talk to your co-workers. How hard is that? Take your breaks with intentionality. Pick four co-workers and pray for them. Just be nice.

6. Volunteer for secular charities. What do you care about? Get involved and do it with people far from God.

7. Participate in city events. Don't just cocoon at home. Go to fundraisers, festivals, clean-ups, summer shows, and concerts.

8. Serve your neighbors. Help a neighbor by weeding, mowing, building a cabinet, fixing a car. Do ANYTHING to show you care.

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!

2011-11-28T14:31:00.000-05:00

And, we're off...

I feel it in my bones. The anticipation of completing my Christmas checklist on time and getting it done just right. It's funny, I pretty sure no one else in my family is feeling this same anxiety. Just me.

I wonder how these traditions became ingrained in my head? I have to have Christmas lights on the outside of the house, wreaths on all the windows, at least one decorated Christmas tree (but 2 or 3 trees would be better), decorate the house with assorted decorations and greenery, send out all the Christmas cards, bake the Christmas cookies, shop for the gifts, wrap the gifts, clean the house, invite friends to the house, make the Christmas dinner. Did I miss anything?

I'm torn between wanting to make Christmas memorable by doing the Christmas traditions and making Christmas meaningful by doing things for others in the name of Jesus. In the end, I'm feeling as if I've added more to my Christmas busyness than I've taken away from it.

I am a woman who is able to remove an article of clothing from her closet for each new article of clothing added to her closet. I am a woman who is able to toss items left unused or unworn for one year, but, I can't seem to let go of any Christmas traditions. I have friends who send New Year cards because doing Christmas cards is too time costly. I know of people who do not put up a Christmas tree in their home or lights on their home, and yet, they still manage to call it Christmas. I want to be one of those people. How do they do it?

I've written on this blog about wanting Christmas to be different this year. I'm still working on it. Today I am mailing off my Soldier Angel Christmas cards. Somehow, I cannot let these Soldier Angel cards replace the cards I send to friends and family, but in my heart I think this would be the most appropriate thing to do to minimize Christmas busyness. We sent off our shoebox Christmas gifts, but this will not replace the gifts we give each other in our family. Although, I think they should because this would minimize our Christmas spending.

Maybe the best idea for me would be to just do less. This year I will give my son just one gift. (not counting socks and underwear, because, well just because) I'm hesitant to say I will give my husband only one gift, (mostly because he reads my blog and he may not be happy with this decision) but maybe just one gift would be OK this year. As for me, I would like to receive the gift of an organized house this year. Maybe this will help me have a more meaningful Christmas.

I'm trying to think of my next meaningful Christmas giving. I would like to find an Angel Tree in the area. I've seen these before and I like the idea behind them. This mission is to give Christmas gifts to the children in the area who have a mother or father in prison. There used to be a department store in our area that always had one of these Angel Trees. It was in a part of town I don't usually visit. I liked it because you could go in the store, take some cards off the tree, shop for the gifts written on the cards while you were in the store and then leave them under the tree. It felt really right and I didn't mind the fact that it promoted shopping in that particular store. Too bad this store isn't open anymore. I'm going to have to go hunting for one like it. I'll let you know how this works out for me.

In the meantime, I will continue my attempts at minimizing my Christmas busyness and maximizing my Christmas purpose. Wish me luck.

#ThankGod

2011-11-22T10:41:00.000-05:00

I noticed that #ThankGod was trending on Twitter. I thought I would take a few minutes to see what all the people thanking God were thanking God for. I thought it would be fun. I was surprised. I was educated. I am so happy there are so many people thanking God.

*Evidently many people use God as an alarm clock. This was news to me, but check out a few of the tweets I found.

tpoydras_CBG

First and foremost, gotta thank the man up above for waking me up this morning....#ThankGod

Smoke_FYT

#ThankGod for waking me yo this morning

LivingNDopeness

#ThankGod For waking me up this morning

Nyiah5

#ThankGOD for wakin me n mine

*And many people are grateful God makes the coffee.

xobrandinicole

#ThankGod for Starbucks. I would be lost...well...more like asleep :)

kaitlynlacass kaitlynbrielle

Caramel latte # starbucksatschool #thankgod

*There are a lot of folks grateful for their jobs. And they should be grateful. Thanks, Obama. The unemployment rate is AWESOME.

Buddy_Lee55

#ThankGod for a new job!!!

QcKid4rmQueensz

I'm blessed ..I have more than one job a roof over my head n food on the table #ThankGOD

PrinceMason

I #ThankGOD tht I still hav my Good Health, LiFe, Family, Job, Truck & Im still n my Right Mind*

*Most of the tweeters are happy they have a break in classes, or they did well on a test, or they never have to take a particular course again. As long as there are tests, there will always be prayer in school. :)

caseykowal

3 classes to get through then i'm finally going home! #thankgod

Chance_Jones

Last day of school #thankgod

*Some people are grateful to God for the short work week. And not everyone is grateful for their jobs.

sarahaadkins17

last day of the work week #thankgod #ihatemyjob

*There are plenty of people thanking God for all the physical blessings he as bestowed upon them.

ImFlyAF

I love my teeth. Pearly, straight & white. #thankgod

_InfamousBunnii Hii

#ThankGod for the person That You made me.

GoodPuh_See

Your #tooshort to be my boyfriend. #ThankGod.

*Some of the tweeters were paying attention in Sunday School. They know God is about second chances and faith and hope.

wasupstew

#ThankGod for 2nd chances! Where sould i be w/o the Lord's grace?

Mark_Ingram28

Another morning, Another opportunity #thankGod #Amen

HIGHDEFBeauty

#ThankGod for EVERYTHING! The good the bad and all in between! without the Lord I am an empty shell!

BlakeWalker24

I #ThankGod that even though times are tough, he will make sure we get through them as long as our faith is strong.

*Of course, there were many thanks to God for the really important things in life.

AntjHart

#ThankGod for candy and ice cream.

AntjHart

#ThankGod for Netflix

ihotunem

There's good network coverage here as well #ThankGod

demimcpherson

Moving back in with my mom. #thankgod

dmalamud

#thankgod I took a vacation day tomorrow

*And a few of the tweeters thanked God for being God and doing what God does

KnwItAll_Ash

#ThankGod For Loving Me!!!!

Is it Thanksgiving or black Friday?

2011-11-21T14:11:00.001-05:00

I've never been a fan of the black Friday. I don't like the crowds. I don't like the pushing and shoving and waiting in line. That being said, I've become a fan of the Thanksgiving midnight madness. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to participate, I want to gawk. I have had the pleasure of strolling through the mall or outlet mall parking area looking at the people in line around the block to get into a store to save an extra 10% on an item that probably won't be appreciated and will most likely will end up costing 25% more because of the finance charges of the credit card company. It's a spectacle that amuses me and saddens me, simultaneously. This Thanksgiving evening, most likely, I will go and watch. I will think about the dinner I ate this day while I walk and fool myself into thinking I'm exercising. I will see the people in their pajamas, participating in a promotional gimmick. I will see children awake and up way past an acceptable bedtime and observe them being trained in overspending and developing an entitlement mentality. There will be thousands upon thousands of people participating in the madness.

My desire is to forgo the madness. I don't want to be sucked into the whirlwind of the holiday frenzy. I remember a day 21 years ago. I lived in Monterey, CA. It was during the Gulf War. I felt so blessed. My husband was in PG school and not stationed on a ship in the Gulf. He was home with me and we were celebrating Christmas as a family. We were sponsoring an Israeli family. The dad was in the Israeli Air Force and the mom was a stay at home mom, like me. They had a little girl, I had a little boy. One day we walked into town to walk the children and have time out of the house. There were Christmas decorations all around and Christmas music playing. The mom asked me a pointed question. It was her first time in the U.S and she asked me, "Isn't Christmas a religious holiday?" I looked around. I couldn't see any evidence of a religious aspect to this holiday. Here I was, an American Christian talking to a Israeli Jew and I couldn't explain the lack of religious identifiers anywhere around me. And, this was 21 years ago. And, this was in a country at war. My Israeli friend was worried about SCUD missiles being rocketed into her country. The fear of her friends and family being attacked with poison gas. It made me a little sick to think I lived in a country where so many people weren't even thinking about the war and weren't thinking about the significance of the holiday they were celebrating.

We are now 10 years past 9/11. We have been attacked on our soil. Our country is at war, again. I believe we are even further into the abyss and even more intentional in our ignoring of the religious significance of the holiday we celebrate. I'm afraid we, who believe, may be becoming quieter and quieter about our beliefs. We don't want to upset anyone. We want to be tolerant. We want to blame the government and the banks for our greed and impatience. We want what we want when we want it. I want to stop this madness, at least I want to stop it in my house.

What do I want for Christmas? I want my house back together. I want a closer relationship with my husband and son. I want a closer walk with my Lord. I wonder if these things can be wrapped and set under the tree? I'm going to try. I think my next Christmas project will be to send Christmas cards to wounded soldiers.

If you would like to reach out to a wounded hero this Holiday Season, here is a great options that will ensure your card makes it to a wounded warrior who needs to know someone cares. (IMPORTANT NOTE: Please avoid sending anything with glitter--it tends to get everywhere, of course, even in wounds and bandages.):
Send your cards to Soldiers' Angels. They will be included in Holiday gifts for wounded warriors and hand-delivered at major military medical centers and VA facilities across the country:

You only have a few days left for this Christmas.

Soldiers' Angels

Cards for the Wounded

4408 N. PanAm Exprwy

San Antonio, TX 78218

Christmas child shoe boxes = happiness

2011-11-18T11:06:00.000-05:00

I went shopping and gathered the booty for the Christmas child shoe boxes. This is the project I wrote about in my post about doing Christmas differently this year. It was so much fun. I can't believe how much it helped get me in the Christmas spirit. I'm going to take a pic of each of us (husband, son and me) and add an envelope with our pics and a short note wishing Christmas joy and hope for the child opening the box. I was able to go shopping with a co-worker on my lunch break. It was wonderful to share the true meaning of Christmas with someone I usually don't talk about stuff like that with. I can feel the Holy Spirit softening my heart. It was fun and encouraging, to both of us. I'm working on my Thanksgiving thankfulness list, next. I need to write it down this year. I think the season has been kicked off to a good start. Oh, and I hope the church ladies have extra shoe boxes, 'cause I didn't have any at my house.

Gifts for three shoe boxes

Booty = kick ball, lego car, lifesavers, boxers, socks, uno card game, crayons, markers, composition book, pencils and sharpener, toothpaste, toothbrush, and dental floss. (yeah, I don't know if a 5-9 year old boy wants floss, but, really, taking care of your gums is so important for good health in general. :))

I want to do Christmas different this year

2011-11-16T11:33:00.001-05:00

Today I woke up and thought to myself, "I don't want to put up a Christmas tree this year." I'm struggling with the "holiday spirit" thing. I know I need to recognize Christmas. My family expects a certain amount of Christmas around our house. Maybe I'm just tired from all the house repairs and work to organize and re-organize the house a tree came into it from hurricane Irene. Maybe I'm just broke because the economy is in the toilet and I've spent all my extra cash on everything the insurance wouldn't pay for. Like all the trees that DIDN'T hit my house, but are laying in my back yard and front yard. Maybe it's because I've found a Bible study group I like and I'm making an effort to do things the way I think Jesus would like them done. You can see, my list of excuses run from completely selfish to altruistic.

I heard about the Shoebox Project being done by Samaritan's Purse. (click the link) I think this looks like a good way to get me into the Christmas spirit. I have to have my box done by November 20th for it to get to my child by Christmas. You may have more time, but I don't know where you are when you are reading this. Check the link, it has drop-off places and times. I want to thank God for waking me up this morning with such a Ebenezer Scrooge-like attitude, bah hum-bug Christmas. I also would like to thank him for reminding me it is much better to give than to receive. I'm going to do three shoeboxes. One from each member of my family. I won't force the others to join me in the making, but I'll ask them if they'd like to participate. Maybe they need help getting in the Christmas spirit, too. I watched this YouTube video on making the boxes.

Just thinking about participating in this project is warming my heart. Maybe I will put up a Christmas tree this year. And, maybe some lights on the outside of the house would look festive. I may have to draw the line at cookie baking. Baking, *sigh*, that is a lot of work...

I've read all the blog complaining about Christmas coming too early and too much commercialism. But, click on the links and watch the video. I'm going to share the love of Christ by giving to a child on Christmas this year. This is the first way I'm going to do Christmas differently this year. Check back with me and see what other ways I find to put Jesus back in my Christmas. Feel free to share any of your Christmas ideas with me. I'd love to hear how your family traditions keep Jesus in Christmas.

Linked with Emily at Imperfect Prose

There is no reality

2011-11-15T14:06:00.000-05:00

Only perception.

This is truth. Right now I find myself struggling in the quicksand of perception. I've written here of my son. My problem, I believe, is my perception of my son's capabilities. The last diagnosis he received, before he became an adult, was executive function disorder. As far as I can understand, this is a severe type of ADD. When he became an adult, he decided to quit taking any medication. I'm not sure he was ever on a med that truly helped him, but nonetheless, he quit taking all meds. Currently, I'm struggling with a couple issues.

First, will my son ever be able to live independently? I struggle with whether or not this is a problem. If my son had been born with down's syndrome or any other debilitating condition, my husband and I would have prepared to have our son with us until we died. If this were the case, my husband and I would be THRILLED with the level he currently functions at. But, because my son has the capacity to drive, to work, to learn, has a high school diploma, but has no initiative or follow-through, does this mean we should require less of him. It's such a struggle for me. There are times when I think, "just kick him out and let the chips fall where they may." And there are times when I think, "I can't do that to him. I have to help him." I don't know the right thing to do. I've been trying to teach him to save money, to budget, to plan ahead. It seems these concepts are out of his reach.

Secondly, my son is an adult. He needs to make his own medical decisions. I'm trying to encourage him to see a psychiatrist and re-evaluate his condition. Maybe there are meds that would help him. Currently he is covered under my health insurance, but this will only last for six more months. I don't know what to do. I'm struggling. I'd love to be able to take it under my control and "fix" him, but I can't.

It's all perception. What is the reality of my son's situation? How hard should I push? How much should I let go? How much should I help? These are the questions robbing me of sleep at night. This is my unanswered prayer to God.

Help me Dr. Phil

15 Adult Truths

2011-11-13T11:13:00.000-05:00

I found these in my Google+ stream. They made me laugh so hard, I had to share.

1. Sometimes I'll look at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. Was learning cursive really necessary?

6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. Bad decisions make good stories.

9. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day..

10. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

11. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

12. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

13. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

14. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

15. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

by Tim Jones Thanks Google+

11-11-11

2011-11-11T11:11:00.000-05:00

Veterans Day, 2011.

I'm glad our country sets aside a day to honor the brave men and women who have served our county, whether abroad or at home, whether at war or in peace-time. It is amazing what our country has provided to the world with an all-volunteer armed service force. Many countries have mandatory military service. The U.S. does not have mandatory service. There is debate as to whether or not this type of service would be a benefit to the U.S.

Mandatory military service would mean upon leaving high school, a man or woman would enter the military for at least two years of military service. This being said, the young man or woman would lose certain freedoms for a short period of time. Let's call this the negative aspect of this issue. Some positive aspects may include an increased patriotism in our country, possibly a greater idea of what direction these young people want their lives to take, and, let's not forget, they will receive training of some kind while serving in the military. Most likely, up to this point in their young lives they have been babysitting or flipping burgers.

This is just something I was thinking about on this day, as I thank my husband and all the other veterans of this great nation. As I think about those people camped in tents in Zuccotti Park and sitting on the steps of various state capitol buildings banging their drums. As I think about our job nation's market and the contemplation of the government forgiving student loans, because that art degree or psychology degree didn't provide a job at the same financial level your parents live or the level Paris Hilton lives, for that matter, and you find, you are not able to pay back your debt. What will this teach them? Who knows what a couple of years in military service would do for these young people? Who knows what a couple years of military service would have done for those working in the financial fields? Maybe two years of military service would have instilled a bit of integrity to replace some of the greed that put this county in the financial crisis it finds itself today. Maybe? maybe.

Thank you, sweetie, for serving in the U.S. Navy for 20 years. Thank you for continuing to serve our country in the private sector by supporting the Navy and the U.S. government. You are a man of great integrity and honor, and I'm glad to have been at your side as a proud navy wife.

I hope my American readers will fly the flag today. Shake the hand of a veteran. Notice the ship name or company name on a ball cap or t-shirt. These patriots do not hide their identity. It just take a few seconds to notice who they are. I'm proud to be an American today.

New ceilings and other updates

2011-11-10T13:58:00.001-05:00

This afternoon I want to share an update on the reparations to our home from the damage inflicted by hurricane Irene on August 27, 2011 . A date burned into my memory. Good news everyone, the projects are moving along. If you remember the last house update post I wrote after getting my roof replaced, I have a new roof!, on October 21, 2011, let you know of all the happiness I was feeling at that time. And, as an aside, I got two or three comments on that post from roofing contractors. They weren't the roofers I used, but roofers will take advertising any way they can get it and my roof was the prettiest roof I'd ever seen. :)

Today I will share the news that the ceilings of my son's room, my room and the dining room have all been replaced and painted. Also, my attic is now fully insulated with new, fresh insulation. We are warm and dry. I came home from work yesterday to the smell of paint. It was a wonderful smell. It made me feel so good I almost forgot about the three days of living in a total mess caused by having drywall replaced and having a ceiling spray-textured and having all your furniture moved into hallways and entryways and stubbing your toe a hundred times. It's All Good. I also want you to know the guy installing the drywall in my house was a total professional. He did a perfect job. It is such a joy to have honest, professional craftsmen doing work in your home. I thanked him and I thanked God for him. I'd show you pictures, but you would just see pictures of ceilings and they don't make fascinating subjects. But, I gotta tell ya, they are GORGEOUS.

I fully expect to have many comments from all the drywall guys out there in the internets. Feel free to comment away. Right now, I LOVE you guys.

We are currently in the midst of having our deck replaced. The actual decking material is back-ordered, so we will have to wait a little longer before it is finished. Right now it is framed and the footings have been poured. It looks like it's going to be a deck. It looks like it's going to be a beautiful deck.

I am so positive about all the things getting accomplished at my house. It's a good feeling, to me, to have things getting checked off my list. I see the light at the end of this tunnel and it's getting brighter and brighter.

I copied my list from the "new roof" post and crossed a few things off. <3 this. :)

~~Drywall - the drywall guy came today and gave me an estimate. It was higher than the insurance adjuster figured, but we will see if we can get her to change her mind. :)~~ (btw, the insurance adjuster did change her mind on the dining room ceiling and included it in the repairs. :))
~~Paint~~
Clean carpet - when we have the carpeting cleaned, we will know immediately if we need to replace it. If there is a strong smell of mold, the carpeting goes. *between you and me, I think there is going to be mold. I've seen the evidence, but I'll play by the insurance rules.* (the carpet cleaners are coming on Tuesday)
Deck replacement - ~~fingers crossed, this will start next week~~. (halfway done)
Window replacement - just ordered the window yesterday. It will take six weeks to come in.
Remove all trees leaning AWAY from the house - I have no idea when we will start on this.
Remove trees in back yard - these trees fell into our back yard, but these were trees growing on common (*read, community center property) ~~We will have to deal with the HOA on this. (Oh, I'm on the board of the HOA. It will be interesting to see how this goes.)~~ (it went very well. The HOA is going to remove four of the trees)
Have a Merry Christmas? I hope so. :) (I think Christmas is going to be the BEST EVER)

Thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes in our recovery. It's been a great feeling to have the support of my blogging friends. You guys ROCK. (no pun intended. get it? sheet-rock)

Trusting God is even better than sweetbreads

2011-11-09T13:34:00.000-05:00

Trust. Trusting. Trustworthiness. Who can I trust? When should I trust? So many questions about trust.

We all know that trust is earned. No one would trust someone they just met. I saw a commercial on tv the other day, and, of course, I don't know what it was about because I wasn't really watching it. It showed a guy handing a briefcase full of money to a stranger on the street and then asking this stranger to watch it for them while they went into a building for a few minutes. The point of the commercial was this; not one of the strangers asked to watch the briefcase full of money, took any of the money. Yet, your bank, whichever horrible untrustworthy bank, you keep your money is STEALING from you every day with fees and charges. OK, I get it. We shouldn't trust banks or financials anymore. But, I don't trust strangers on the street not to steal from me, either. I am absolutely sure I would not trust a stranger on the street and I pretty sure I wouldn't trust someone I knew, either. Everyone has a tipping point. Some people out there have a lower threshold of trustworthiness than others, but the bottom line is, nobody is completely trustworthy.

Jeremiah 17:5-12 says; Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord." (stuff about a shrub in the desert) “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord." (stuff about a tree near water and fruit) The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? ... I know there are a lot of sick hearts out there in the world.

This brings me back to the question of who to trust. The Bible is pretty clear. It tells me to trust God and not to trust other men or even myself. Btw, I have lied to myself before, so I know I'm not trustworthy, even to myself. I am supposed to trust God. Here's the rub. Trust is earned, right? In order for me to trust God, I have to learn to trust God by letting God earn my trust. I'm sure I can find many verses in the Bible telling me to trust God.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says; Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Psalm 31:14-15 says; But as for me, I trust in You, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand;

Psalm 118:8 says; It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.

I could go on and on with Bible verses. My point is, at least for me, reading Bible verses does not build my trust in God. I need to experience God's faithfulness to build this trust. And this is a risk. To be honest, I haven't always felt comfortable taking this risk. Yet, I have been comfortable trusting myself or others, even when I've been let down by others and myself. Heck, even my own eyes have betrayed me, as in, "officer, I didn't even see that STOP sign."

I think trusting God is a risk. I know this is not the Christian way to think, but it's how I think. I KNOW trusting God is what I'm supposed to do, but it is scary. God doesn't (read NEVER) think the way I think. Nor does God want the same things for me, I want for me. This is just the way God is. However, I'm learning even though the things I want are good, the things God wants for me are best. And, sometimes, the things aren't exactly what I'm looking for. I'm learning God does not cause hurtful things to happen to me when I trust him, but he allows them to happen. Things like sickness. Things like mental illness. Things like hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis. Bad things happen in the world. Bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to people who do good things. Doing good things does not mean God is going to keep bad things from happening. (btw, sometimes good things happen to bad people, but this is another discussion)

I'm learning, in order to develop trust in God I have to start trusting God. I have to check God out. I need to give up my stuff to him and see how he does. I have to give him all my stuff. I have to give him my good stuff and my crappy stuff and see what he does with it. This is scary stuff. To boil it down, it goes something like this. God created me, he knows everything that is going to happen to me, he let me be born anyway, he loves me, but he knows bad things can happen to me because I live in a sinful world, but he has overcome the world and I just have to stick with him and tell others about him and his son and then he will take me to paradise. I think I'm going to give this another try.

Psalm 34:8 says; taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

So, I'll give God a taste. I think it's going to be like the first time I tried sweetbreads. I knew what they were and it didn't sound good, but they tasted delicious.

sweetbreads

Men, God's gift to me

2011-11-08T12:48:00.000-05:00

Last night was the second time attending the new Bible study or small group, whichever is the best name for it. As I mentioned before, it is mostly men. Last night there were nine of us and seven were men. We studied the first two chapters of Job. Job is a man that took a licking and kept on ticking, for God. He never lost his faith. I need to read the book of Job more often. I think it would do me a world of good. I certainly believe my gratitude level would increase exponentially.

Why do I think men are great study or small group companions? I'll start with this. I shared, maybe a bit too much, about struggles in my life. I shared about my difficulties in church and a bit about the difficulties in the previous study group (there, that's the moniker I'm going to give it). I shared about being told my ideas and thoughts about what church is supposed to be and what the Bible says to me were said to be "jaw dropping." I believe church is to be a place to be restored and to practice our Christian brotherly love. I want to go to church and practice speaking my testimony, OUT LOUD. I want church to be a place where I can make a mistake. I can be way off base about a passage in the Bible, or confess my sins and not be made to feel small and unworthy. Even better, not to be talked about behind my back or "unfriended" or blocked on fb. (btw, I didn't talk about the fb thing. I'm not friending any church people anymore. I learned my lesson. People are one way at church and another way on fb. just sayin') I even used the trite phrase, "Only churches shoot their wounded."

I also shared about my drinking. I've shared here before that I have some concerns about my drinking. I don't believe I'm an alcoholic, but I think I had started drinking too much. I'm working on this and I shared this.

Back to my point, why do I think men make GREAT study group companions? After sharing, what I felt, were fairly personal and unflattering feelings and activities, I received a response so precious, it almost took my breath away. They asked me what I needed from the group. They said, "What do you need this group to be for you?" *sigh* No advice. No chastisement. No argument. Just, "what do you need us to be for you." My answer was this. Please continue to be here. Please continue to allow me to come here. This is what I need.

Now I'm not going to tell them this was the most precious thing I had ever heard spoken at a Bible study, 'cause they're men and men don't want to be told they are precious, but they are. I'm not going to say a woman's group would have given me advice and told me what to do and given me examples of their own life experience and how things worked out for them, but they would have. I'm going to tread softly in this group. I'm not going to overwhelm them with my neediness, even though I have it. It's kind of like being SUPER thirsty and drinking so much water so fast you throw it all up. I don't want to throw up on these guys. They deserve better than that from me.

Oh, and another thing I love is this. They shared some deep hurts with the group. Hurts like, losing a spouse to cancer or divorce or being out of work for a year and they don't cry about it. They tell you it hurts and I believe it. I don't need to see tears to believe something is painful. I'm not a crying kind of girl. I'm glad they were able to share these things while I was in the room. I believe they trust me. I will not betray that trust. I know, I'm going to trust them.

I mean, with God, isn't it all about trust and obedience?

A wish for boxes in my brain

2011-11-07T13:24:00.001-05:00

Compartmentalization. What a wonderful word. Compartmentalization of thoughts and emotions. Boxes in your brain. I wish there was a pill I could take to increase my ability to compartmentalize. It would be wonderful.

Compartmentalize (verb) - to separate into isolated categories.

Men are born with brains with a high ability to compartmentalize and a low ability to multitask. I know I'm walking the edge of political correctness here, but let's just think biologically for now. The male brain has a high ability to control emotions and a low relational orientation. They have high project orientation and a high ability to "zone out" or act first and think about it later when in a stressful situation.

Women are born with brains that are highly empathetic and have a low ability to compartmentalize. The female brain has a low ability to control emotions and high relational orientation. Female brains have lower project orientation and a low ability to "zone out." Women have a tendency to think first and act second, a more cautious response in a stressful situation.

These are generalized descriptions of male and female brain activity, there are always exceptions.

I read an article by Rachel G. Baldino about understanding emotional compartmentalization. She used the example from the Sept. 28, 2006 blog, Across the Great Divide, of the Monica Lewinski scandal during the Clinton administration. She used the example of how President Clinton was able to continue to govern the country and continue in his marriage while this scandal swirled around his presidency. President Clinton was able to continue in his day to day activities while the nation watched this scandal and impeachment unfold. He was able to convince himself, if not the nation and the press, that what he had with Ms. Lewinski was neither sexual, nor did it have any effect on his performance as president of the United States. I think this is a stunning example of how one can compartmentalize.

Ms. Baldino goes on to contrast Monica Lewinski's inability to compartmentalize her emotions, wearing all her emotions on her sleeve. Linda Tripp is also discussed as a woman with the ability to compartmentalize her emotions by being duplicitous to Monica in her phone conversations. Ms. Tripp was sympathetic and acted as a friend to Monica while simultaneously gathering (taping phone calls) information damaging to President Clinton. I'm not sure if Ms. Tripp is an "emotional compartmentalizer" or just, what we women call, "two faced."

The point I found compelling was how President Clinton acted during this whole event. I know if it was me I would have been a sick emotional wreck. I would have been in bed, sick to my stomach. In fact, I remember Mrs. Clinton lost a bit of weight during this ordeal. She looked GREAT.

I don't know if I want to be able to completely compartmentalize my emotions and my life, but I sure wish I could do it better than I do it now. My husband told me to "just stop thinking about it." (whatever "it" is) I wish I could do this. I think my life would be so much easier if I could just store away the thoughts of my "terrible, horrible" mistake. Or, if I could put the memory of the Great Confrontation (read, big crybaby session) I was forced to endure in a box and hide it away. But, I'm a woman and this is not our natural disposition. On the upside, I am GREAT at multitasking. :)

Choose wisely, Grasshopper

2011-11-06T12:21:00.000-05:00

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." Dalai Lama

"A goal properly set is halfway reached." Zig Ziglar

These quotes are two ways of looking at getting what you want in life. They both address the same issue. Choose your goals or desires for life thoughtfully. Below are seven questions to ask yourself when setting and working toward what you want in life.

1. What do you want?

Life has an abundance of opportunities for you. You are limited by your choices. Choose well.

2. Why do you want that?

Check your motives. Choices motivated by immoral or unethical foundations will not fulfill or satisfy you.

3. What stops you?

Identify and examine the obstacles in the path between you and your choice of opportunity or desire.

4. Why is it like that?

After identifying the obstacle, take the time to examine and obliterate it. Often your obstacles will be internal. You may need to overcome your fear or change your belief system about what you are able to do.

5. How have you been perceiving this as a problem until now?

What has been stopping you until now? Look at the path to your desire from all directions. Maybe there is a direction you haven't considered yet.

6. What would you like to believe?

After thinking about the obstacles in your path and after thinking about what needs to change to obliterate the obstacles, consider how your life will be without the obstacles. Are you ready to take the actions needed? What will you believe about yourself? Are these thoughts empowering and positive?

7. What would happen if you could?

Look into the future. Imagine your life after achieving your goal. You may find fear in your future imaginings. You may see a fear of success. Examine this and accept this fear. You will be ready for it when you face it.

Good luck in choosing your goals and achieving them. :)

I'm moving in the wrong direction

2011-11-03T12:53:00.000-04:00

How can a person take 20 steps forward and then take 25 steps backward? I don't know the answer to this one. It seems to happen to me more often than I'd like. Back in June I wrote a post outlining my reason for blogging and noting how far I'd come in my journey to be positive. But here I am again. I feel like I've done nothing but slide backwards. For example:

Four years ago I lost 40 some lbs. I got rid of all my "fat" clothes and told myself, never again. Never again will I need those clothes. So I got rid of them all. Now, *sigh* I need those clothes back. :(

I was feeling pretty good about myself in my job, but then... clunk. Yesterday I discovered I made a mistake at my job. And when I say "I discovered" I really mean, my boss discovered my mistake. My boss had sent me an email asking me to make flight reservations for him to go to Boston for a sailing regatta. For some reason, I didn't see the email. I didn't make flight reservations. I screwed up. The flight the others were using wasn't available for my boss. He wanted to travel with the others. I failed. I feel sick. I know everyone makes mistakes, but I feel just sick about it. I know I tell myself, "screw it, you don't need this job. Heck, they can fire me if they want." but right now, I just feel crappy about it. The really bad thing about dwelling on it is this... I'm making more mistakes. I can't focus. I know it's been crazy around this place. (btw, my school made the front page of yesterday's Washington Post... above the fold, mind you) I know I need to do my job better. I've been super tired. I'm so ready to go to bed when I get home from work. We are still working on fixing our house, so I can't go RIGHT to bed. I need to get things accomplished when I get home, but it is getting harder and harder to do. Right now, it feels like my job is just sucking the life out of me. So, what is happening with me?

Just so you know, my boss is OK with the mistake. He agrees, everyone makes mistakes. He wants me to get over this and move on. I know my job is not in jeopardy. But, to me, it feels like it is. It's a funny thing, what I KNOW in my head is not corresponding with what I FEEL in my gut.

The Bible study I just joined is studying spiritual warfare. I have a question. Is this the kind of thing that happens to you right after you find a place you believe you are going to be able to reconnect with the body of Christ and get back into the Bible? Am I under attack? Or is this just life?

Oh, and I would like a little cheese with my whine. Thanks for asking. :)

I met God at church

2011-11-02T12:37:00.001-04:00

It's Sunday morning and I tell my husband, "today we will go to church." I have clean pants to wear and I'm not exhausted and we are in town, my excuses are non-existent. I'm sure I could make one up, like, I have a headache, but I don't. I heed the pricking of my conscience. My DNA is calling me to a house of worship. I say to my husband, "let's go to church." So we go.

This Sunday morning brings two opportunities to me. I ask myself, "shall I turn and leave these behind or shall I take the risk?" The first opportunity is to listen to the older gentleman beginning the sermon with his corny joke of a boy and and man in a car. (substitute redneck for boy and rich man for man. please enjoy.) I decide to listen to what this man of God has to say, instead of playing Angry Birds on my phone. He talks of how there are men and women of God in the Bible, and we don't know their names. There are people touching our lives and making a difference, and we don't know their names. It's not ME making the difference in someone's life, however large or small, it is God through me. I have to allow God to do the work through me. I have to get over my name. I have to get over me. It's not me. It's God.

The second opportunity brought before me came in the form of an old friend. Cathy was my first friend when moving to this county and finding this church. Many years ago. She was an experienced mom. She was gregarious. She hosted a Bible study in her home and invited me to come. She helped me to feel "at home" in this county that was so different (read rural) than ANYWHERE I had ever lived. She helped it seem like a place on earth instead of outer-space. I saw her. I had read she was still hosting a small group (read Bible study) in her home. I wanted to ask her if I could come to it. I was afraid to ask. At first it didn't appear the opportunity would present itself. We talked of all things hurricane and broken houses and children grown up and time was slipping away. The talk was going on too long. I was afraid to ask in front of strangers. But then it happened... the moment when I caught her eye. And I asked her to come aside. She said, "of course you can come." There was enthusiasm in her voice. But, she said, "It's mostly men. You and I may be the only women there. Would this be ok with you?" I smiled. I saw an opportunity to be away from the "church ladies" and maybe this was just what I needed.

I have already attended one gathering. I loved it.

Fingers crossed

2011-11-01T14:30:00.000-04:00

I am so hopeful just now. I have those little flutters of butterfly wings in my tummy. I have the excited feeling one gets when they think they may have met, "the one." What or who, may you ask, has aroused these feelings inside of me? I'll tell you. It's Jesus. And, even more to the point, a small group of people who love Jesus.

It has been a long long long time since I've been in a small group loving Jesus and desiring to know him better and to follow his teachings. It's been a long long long time since I've been with a group of people believing the Bible is the inerrant and inspired word of the living God and not just a book we get to choose the parts we like and leave what we don't like. Then accuse me of being intolerant if I don't agree with them.

It's been a long time since I prayed with another believer. I've been praying on my own. I bow my head and close my eyes and send my thoughts, my fears, my wants, my sins... heavenward. It's been a long time since I've agreed in prayer with another believer. Agreed, ...out loud, ...side by side. (we didn't hold hands, but I'll bet we will one day) This was an experience I hadn't realized I had been missing so much. Oh, God is good and he will always leave a remnant. Even here on the mid-Atlantic coast. :)

I'm not sure the small group of believers allowing me to join them felt the same flutterings I was feelings, but they smiled at me. They engaged with me. And, there was not one sign of jaw dropping at any of my comments or contributions. One guy asked me why I believe what I believe, but they weren't appalled or shocked and horrified by my beliefs. We will see how the relationship grows. The one fellow who, self admittedly, said he thought he had been tough on me, asked me if I planned to return next Monday. I said I would and he said he was glad. This gives me hope. I hope I have found a group of believers willing to join Jesus in wooing me back to his side. It's what I hope for. It's what I asked for.

An interesting thing about this group of believers. It is mostly made up of men. There were five men and one woman. She was SUPER happy to see me. I wonder what this says about me? I hope it doesn't mean I'm weird or anything. I hope it doesn't mean I don't play nice with other women, 'cause I don't think this is true about me. We will see. I have hope. Btw, there has been one prayer I've been praying for a very long time. The prayer is this; "Please God, please send a godly man to walk alongside my son. Please send an encourager to my son. We are his parents, but I would love to have another man of God come to my son's side and be an example to him."

I'm just wondering, is this God's answer to my prayer? Fingers crossed.

All the news that's fit to tell

2011-10-31T12:09:00.001-04:00

Things have been swirling around my life lately and, unfortunately, I haven't had an opportunity to sit down and tell you all about them. So much to tell with so little time to do the telling.

I'll start with my job. Whew! It has been BUSY. You may remember back on August 28th we had a hurricane down in my neck of the woods. This particular hurricane brought A LOT of rain with it. There wasn't a lot of damage here at the college where I work, but there was a lot of moisture. A week after the hurricane we had A LOT of rain. A LOT. Along with the rain we had very humid conditions. Frankly, the weather was crummy. At this time I was in Reno, NV enjoying myself at the Tailhook convention and worrying about the patch in my roof leaking. Here at the college, however, a different creature was taking hold in two of our residence halls. MOLD. And a lot of it. Oh no???!!!! What will we do? The first thing we did was move 350 kids out of their dorm rooms and set them up in hotels around this county and in one county over. This is not exactly the "college experience" these kids were looking for, or for that matter, the experience their parents had paid for. So, I spent a week handling crappy parent phone calls. Exhausting. Then, one alum came up with an idea. His idea was this. Why not float a cruise ship up to the college and let the kids live on it? Brilliant. So, the following week we began to jump through all the hoops involved to get a cruise ship docked near the college. Fyi, there are a lot of hoops. Oh, and btw, the folks that tell you the news found this a FASCINATING story. There have been press all over the place. My boss is the point man for most of the talking and showing of all stuff mold and cruise ship. Needless to say, the phone is ringing off the hook. After the press gets a hold of the story, guess what? Sales people for every sort of mold remediation, air purification, cleaning, painting, you name it, have called and called and called. Imagine 75-100 telemarketers calling you for five days in a row. Exhausting. There is a press conference going on right now and I hear the ship tooting it's horn and helicopters flying overhead taking pictures. Wonderful.

So, I was tired. In the midst of my tirednessness an opportunity presented itself. My husband was invited to play in a FREE blackjack tournament in Atlantic City. He didn't think he wanted to go. He thought he should stay home and work on our tree debris and other repair projects we have to do. But, I told him, it's going to RAIN all day Saturday. Yippee!!! Rain. Let's go to AC. He didn't win $35,000 at the black jack tournament, this time, but we did have a wonderful time. I relaxed. I napped. I put a few items on eBay. Wonderful.

Which leads me to tell you what has been going on with eBay. Or, more to the point, PayPal. It seems the government didn't feel it was getting its fair share of tax from my eBay sales. So now, if you sell more than 200 items and make $20,000 you have to file a Form-1099 and pay income tax on your eBay sales. This is new for 2011 and it's just another way Obama has his hand in my pocket to give out money to people who don't want to pay their own bills. Btw, I'm selling stuff I've found in my closet. I've already paid tax on these items. Give me a break. However, there is a bright side to this story. My son has an eBay account and PayPal account. I asked him if he would mind if I used his account to sell my stuff. He balked, at first, but relented. He knows I love eBaying and he showed his love for me by sharing his account. Wonderful.

While we were in AC, or rather, immediately after we arrived in AC my son called to tell me he got in a car accident. CRAP. Poor guy, he's ok, his car is a total loss. He had JUST gotten it back from being repaired from having a tree fall on it during hurricane Irene. I think he had had it back for one week. NUTS. It was drizzling, he was driving a bit too fast for the conditions, the car in front of him stopped short, he hit his breaks, slid off the road and hit a telephone pole. Well, when you hit a telephone pole there are two things you know for sure. One thing, it's your fault. Telephone poles don't jump out in front of your car. You're going to get a ticket. Second thing, your car is going to get wrecked. Telephone poles aren't going anywhere. They stay put and your car bends and breaks. Oh yeah, and the air bags deploy (add $1000). So now his car is gone. Things haven't exactly been going his way. On the up side, I didn't get angry or yell. I asked him if he was ok and patiently waited for my husband to return from his massage to tell him the news. Wonderful.

I think this just about catches everyone up on my wonderful life. I'm staying positive. I'm employed, albeit working a bit too hard just now, I'm back on eBay and LOVING it, and my son is OK and he's lucky. His grandma had given him her car when she passed away. :)

November

2011-10-26T12:46:00.000-04:00

A swirl of steam wraps 'round
Cinnamon apple caramel cream
Dreams of leaf beds concealing me
Heaps of sweets say November's near

Leaves off trees whip 'round and 'round
Greens fade 'way to orange and sound
Golden brown crunch covers ground
Smokey smells seep through weeds

Snuggling in socks and sweaters now
Bid farewell to summer play
Resign ourselves to shorter days
Songs of Christmas say November's near

Maybe there is a "do over" in parenting

2011-10-25T14:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I wrote a post about there NOT being a "do over" in parenting. I'm not a Mommy Blogger, but I am a mom. After I posted this I started thinking about it. A lot.

Yesterday's post kinda made me look like I was/am a bad mom. I'm not a bad mom. I don't think any parent is a perfect parent. I made mistakes in my parenting and I shared those with you guys. I just wanted to put a little experience, hope and strength out there in the blogosphere. I'm trying very hard to be the encouraging and inspiring parent we all want to be. And, I want my kid to move out of my house and live life on his own terms,... soon.

This led me to this thought. Hey, maybe I will get my "do over." How, you may ask?

Maybe I'll be a grandma some day.

My mom and her great grandson

You don't get a "do over" in parenting

2011-10-24T14:17:00.001-04:00

I've mentioned before I don't have a very close relationship with my son. We struggle. I don't praise him enough and I don't feel he respects me enough. My husband gets so angry with me and often corrects me in the way I talk to my son. He reminds me to Be Positive. Point out my son's successes and minimize the failures. Don't use a Tone in my voice. Don't Yell.

I wish I could have a "do over" in parenting my son. ~~In my old age~~ Now that I have more life experience, there are things I wish I would have done and things I wish I had not done.

1. I wouldn't have felt responsible every act, good or bad, my child performed. I certainly wouldn't have berated myself as a bad parent for every poor grade or bad attitude my child exhibited.

2. I would have found more opportunities to take a break from parenting and gone on weekends with my husband. We lived so far from family it was not possible to ask them to watch our son so we could get away for more than a dinner or a movie. I wish I had had the courage to ask a friend to watch our son for a weekend every now and again. It would have been a nice break from parenting and reconnection with my husband.

3. I wish I would have punished less. And I certainly wish I hadn't hit him. Yeah, I called it spanking, but I hit him. And, I hit him while I was angry. Super angry. Yeah, I wish I could take that back.

4. I would have picked my battles better. Lucky me, since my son still lives with us, I can work on this. Not every issue is worth a battle. Spilled milk, no issue. Muddy shoes on the carpet, who cares. Wearing the same underwear for a week, so what. Bad grades, this one would be tough, but what the heck.

5. I would keep in mind that, this too shall pass. My son is going to grow up, some day. He's going to move out of the house, some day. And he WILL be a responsible adult, some day. This is still one I get to work on since my son is still at home and hasn't done any of the previous things yet. But he will. Some day.

6. I wish I would have treasured his childhood more. I now know how quickly childhood goes by. Time flies. You can't catch it and you can't get it back. I wish I would have taken more pictures.

7. I would've remembered how special my son is. I wouldn't have wished him to be like any other child. I wish I would have focused more on what he IS, than on what I wished him to be. This, too, is something I can do now. Wow, I'm super lucky my son still lives at home and hasn't moved out on his own. I DO get an opportunity to continue parenting him, but I'll call it "consulting." I am SUPER lucky. (btw, I tried Super Hard to take the sarcasm out of my Tone)

8. I wish someone would have reminded me you don't get "do-overs" in parenting and give me something like this post to read. I needed to be reminded I don't always have to be the "bad guy." I needed to be reminded to say Yes more often. I needed to be reminded to BE PRESENT more often in my child's life.

9. I would have remembered how short life is. Life is short. Life goes by fast. When I was 30 I felt I had all the time in the world. Now that I'm in my 50's I see how fast this life is zipping by.

10. I wish I would have known how far hugs and cookies go to make a child feel loved and special. I see now that you cannot get or give too many hugs. And cookies, well there can never be too many cookies.